Ditched Doctors

Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker,

Davison, Baker, McCoy, McGann,

Eccleston, Tennant, Smith, Capaldi.

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Come in.

You got your game face on? I'm ready when you are.

Change of plan, I'm afraid.

No, not on my part. Come on, up and at them.

Look, I know I owe you a favour.

And I am calling that favour in.

You wanted your presentation for the CCG to be more whizzy.

Well, I took your bells and I took your whistles

and I gave you the Birmingham Philharmonic Orchestra.

And I'm very grateful.

Yeah, and I did it all completely gremlin-free.

I mean, I say "gremlin-free",

but that would be discounting that tiny, little bit of

all-destroying code I implanted right at the centre of your presentation,

just waiting for Howard Bellamy to double-cross me.

Well, I don't respond to threats.

I'm not making threats, I'm simply stating facts.

Either you do my bidding or your important firework display

of a presentation will be a damp squib.

Your cojones will be gone-es.

Look, I'm not going back on my word,

I'm just postponing so I can deal with more important things.

Honour your word, or the presentation goes up in smoke in...

..59, 58, 57, 56...

Such a shame.

All right!

All right!

I was beginning to lose hope.

Sorry it's late, Dr Carter, half the depot's off with flu.

Sign there.

Bit of a whiff coming from that one, not sorry to hand it over.

Smoked garlic in truffle oil - an epicurean's eau de cologne.

Very hard to get in this country.

Old man's socks to me. You have a nice day.

Bye.

-So who's the stag?

-Russell, we shared digs at university.

A houseful of medical students? I bet the neighbours loved that.

Actually, Russell is now a top-end criminal lawyer.

Right. So are you the best man?

Yeah, I mean, not officially, but he'd be mad to choose Buck.

Who's Buck?

Eddie "Buck" Rogers III.

He lives in the United States Of America

where he makes a fortune as a shrink.

-Both high-flyers then?

-Yes, and expecting this do to be the dog's.

Which it will be with me at the helm.

Nothing beats a bash organised by a medic.

There speaks a man who's never been to a regimental reunion.

Confucius says, barman is just a medic with limited resources.

We're all leaders in our field.

So that's what they think of you, is it?

-Best of the best?

-Yes. I never follow, Howard. You know that.

All that remains is to get you kitted out.

ALL: Down it! Down it! Down it!

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

Right, while we're still capable,

here's a toast to Mr Russell, "Hang 'Em High" Redmond,

who keeps the streets of Britain safe from footpads,

brigands and Terminators.

I plead genius, my lord.

And he does an awesome Chewbacca impression. Do it.

Do it. Do it, do it, do it.

Who's the bigger fool? The fool or the fool who follows him?

HE POORLY IMITATES CHEWBACCA

THEY LAUGH

I bet the High Court judges love that one.

So how is the lovely and very fragrant Mrs Redmond to be?

Steering well clear of you reprobates for the time being.

Sends her love.

If you're going to call it Birmingham International Airport,

you should at least have more than five cabs.

That's international law, right?.

Buck Rogers!

Hasker! Dude, are those the same trainers you wore at college?

No.

THEY LAUGH

Look at you, man.

Glad you could make it. I know how busy you must be.

Wouldn't have missed it for the world, you know that.

It's been way too long.

My best buds!

Right, come on, break it up, we're wasting valuable drinking time.

And you, sir, are improperly dressed,

Ho-ho! Look at that!

That is awesome!

THEY CHEER

OK, get off now. Get off. Get off! Go!

Neil, are you all right?

You saw that, he came up to me.

Oh, yeah, that's Sam, he lives up there.

He grabbed my hand. I didn't encourage it.

No, he's a lovely chap.

He likes to know what people are doing.

Surprised you haven't bumped into him before.

Is something wrong?

I found a body.

-PHONE RINGS

-Yes, Mrs Tembe.

The CCG have postponed your meeting until next month.

So, how is your afternoon progressing?

Not quick enough.

If I have to hear one more impersonation of Chewbacca,

or the theme to the Thunderbirds every time somebody downs a pint!

Are they men or boys?

Does the phrase all mouth and no trousers mean anything to you?

I feel this conversation is taking me

in a direction I do not want to go.

You and me both, Mrs Tembe. You and me both.

-Goodbye.

-All I'm saying is, give me 12 months

and I'll be starting my own chambers.

-We're already house hunting in London.

-Same again, please.

-How're things with you?

-I've got a couple of patents..

Pretty sweet. The private practice is solid,

I do one day a week at the university

on a research programme, and this time next year I will be published.

-Yeah?

-Yeah! Academic press, but it's a wicked deal.

-You get respect from your peers.

-I thought about going down that road,

I've had a couple of papers published,

-but it's the new interfaces where I'm getting breakthroughs.

-Like what?

I was surprised when I heard about you going into general practice.

-Seems a bit base level.

-I look at it as ground work.

Those patents? No luck with that yet? No?

You haven't given us a date for the wedding yet, or a place.

Not that it matters, just say the word and we're there.

Aren't we due a change of venue? Or is the patent PENDING on that?

THEY LAUGH

Drink this. You're in shock.

I was just taking a short cut through the woods this morning.

This morning?!

So, the police are still there?

No, I didn't call them. I just carried on.

So, the body's still there? You've not said anything to anyone?

I don't know why.

But...when that boy put his hand in mine,

it just...

..he looked the same, you know?

It reminded me.

A child's body.

By the path.

I think we should notify the police.

Exterminate... Exterminate...

Hey! Come on.

3..2..1

THEY GROAN

We need to keep drinking pints, got to rehydrate.

I haven't done shots since the last time I was here.

-Lightweight.

-No, it's a social thing.

Back home, they'd think you were sent by the devil

the way you knock them back.

HE SLURS I got the demons running through me.

The only thing you were ever better than me at -

hangovers. What time does the stripper get here?

-That's no way to talk about your fiancee.

-I wish!

Guys, guys, ah, my best buds. I missed this.

For someone who was president of the University Sci-Fi Society...

-Three years running.

-..why are you so stuck in the past?

Cos it's the only thing to look forward to.

Come to Boston, it's only five hours.

There's a huge Sci-fi convention.

It's big, it's awesome, you're going to love it. Come on.

-Maybe.

-Maybe? That's all you've got?

Come on, the wedding'll be done and dusted,

I'm sure Caroline will let you off the leash.

-OK, I didn't want to do this right now.

-What?

-What?

-What?

-We're already married.

I mean, what the hell, man?

It was all a bit spur of the moment.

What? Like, what do you fancy doing tomorrow?

I dunno, go to the supermarket or we could just go and get married?

I tried to ring and tell you but you just jumped in

and started banging on about the stag.

-The wedding was never going to be a big deal.

-Why not?

Caroline didn't want the whole thing overrun by...

By what, geeks? So you were just tossing us a bone?

There you go, there's a geek bone.

We were never going to be invited, were we?

It would've been awkward. You've always been

a bit too fixated on Caroline. Haven't you?

What?! We've never been anything but just good friends!

-You wished it was more.

-No, I didn't.

And what about me?

What about me?!

It's over there

-Where, exactly?

-There, over there, under that.

-Under this board?

-That's right.

No. There's nothing here.

Are you sure we're in the right place?

Maybe it's been moved.

-See if we've got any dogs available. Have a good look round the place.

-OK.

He seems to be suffering from complete disassociation.

Carrying on with his rounds as if nothing happened.

I didn't imagine it.

I dunno, maybe I did, just blanked it out, but it was here.

Then, when that other boy came up to me, he looked the same.

He was just lying there, huddled in the snow.

Well, there's no snow. Not recently.

-What? No, there was, it was...

-No, we've had no snow.

No...it's not right.

How delayed can shock be, exactly?

Did you think we wouldn't notice when there was no wedding?!

What do you mean, fixated?

-She's always just been a very good friend of mine.

-Whatever!

I knew it was going to be tricky, inviting you.

Some of your e-mails lately, mate...

If anything, I'd just be concerned that she's too good for you.

Oh, come on, Al? Wherever we went, you were there.

You sat there making cow eyes at her the whole last meal we had.

Ho-ho! Mr Pot, meet Mr Kettle.

-What does that mean?

-Grown-ups talk.

He knows, just like he should know better.

-It should have been me.

-Everything all right, gents?

Ah, butt out, Buttinski!

It should have been you? Caroline never even looked at you twice.

Does she know?

Whassup? You ashamed?!

-Me and him, back in the day.

-What?

We were lovers.

Practically that whole last year at college.

"Lovers"? Hardly. Stupid phase.

-Phase?

-HE LAUGHS

Close encounters of the third kind for over a year, pal!

How did you never figure it out?

You were just always going off and leaving me behind.

I figured it was just because you thought you were better than me.

-We WERE better than you.

-Better at being gay!

It was nothing, just...youthful indiscretion.

For a whole year?! It meant a lot more to me.

So you thought you'd come over here and break up the wedding!

-Talk about a drama queen!

-You s...

All right! Party's over.

It's been over for years!

I've got a career and a position and a baby on the way.

A baby?! So, the wedding's not so spontaneous then?!

It didn't mean anything.

Well, it meant everything to me, always.

I always hoped...

This is not done, not with me.

-Bucky!

-I was happy here.

Don't forget to write!

Mrs Tembe?

Change of plan, looks like things are going downhill fast,

I may be able to make it back before the end of play.

Alcohol and old secrets - never a good mix.

Keep the university meeting on simmer. I'll let you know, OK.

Thank you. Bye.

I blame you for this.

Yeah, I blame me, too. Stupid Hasker.

Forcing you two into bed.

I mean, all this old comrades stuff.

Hanging onto my coat-tails the way you always did.

I think we should go and have a look for your friend.

What! You and Buck is one trick I'd never try and muscle in on.

You always used to worm your way into our lives

cos you never had one of your own.

Still don't, by the look of it.

You know what. Bucky deserves better than you.

So does Caroline.

I'll send you her love, shall I?

Get my bag.

Get it yourself.

Stupid, dumbass, country.

Freakin' idiot, coming back.

Made my own death star.

Blow up Birmingham.

Oh!

Aargh!

HE GROANS

No.

There's so many of them

I think this is him.

OK.

Let's have a look.

Adrian McArdle. Went missing on his way to school, January 2010.

We had massive snow storms that winter, I remember?

-He looks like young Sam from this morning.

-KNOCK ON THE DOOR

-Sarge.

-Excuse me.

Four years.

How can I have put it from my head that long?

It's not your fault.

We've found a grave...

..so this is now a murder enquiry.

Heston?

I'll need a statement from you about what happened today.

And Neil?

Well, I've got an open mind, but we now have a crime scene,

and somebody buried the body.

There's no-one else in the frame at the moment.

So you see a suspect.

And I see a man suffering a traumatic experience.

Mrs Tembe, it's Howard here.

Scrap my last call, I'm here for the duration.

We've lost one of the stags.

I'm sure he went in that direction.

How can somebody so drunk get so far?!

What are you doing?!

HE LAUGHS Howard. I just cleaned your bumper.

-Right, that way.

-Al?!

No way Russell would've done this.

I bet he made such a rubbish gay.

Can't dance, he's got no dress sense.

BUCK SCREAMING

Buck?

Buck?!

Al! Here!

-Come on, get up!

-I can't move.

HE LAUGHS

Hasker...

I'm stuck.

It was bumping into Sam that jogged his memory. It was shock.

-He wasn't faking it.

-OK, tell me this,

can shock make him forget something he did,

as easily as forget something he saw?

So you think it's delayed guilt, rather than delayed shock?

I don't know, but I'd say guilt's the stronger of the two at the moment.

In my medical opinion, he's more likely to suffer shock

DISCOVERING a murder scene, rather than creating it.

Anyway, what happened to innocent until proven guilty?

You can't prove anything unless you investigate it?

You're not investigating, you're not looking for anyone else.

You've got him in firmly in your sights, exactly the same way...

No, this is not like you, Heston. This is different.

This is a child's murder.

You need to keep pressure on the wound.

I'm cold, drunk, and I'm dying in a ditch, for love.

You're not going to die, you're going to live

and you'll do a lot better than Russell.

Right fire crew, paramedics are on the way. What's the score?

-It's gone all the way through.

-Please don't leave me.

We're not going anywhere, just stay still.

How close is it to the femoral artery?

It's really close. We shouldn't move him. We shouldn't move you.

He's not looking too good. Is that the shock or is it the booze?

I don't know! I'm really, really drunk.

Al! What's in your bag that can help?

-Morphine? Something? Anything?

-What bag?

Haskey, pull it together, you keep telling me how good you are,

so get on it!

Feeling better?

Tired. Been on the go since five.

Where's Dr Carter? What's going to happen?

We're going to transfer the case to CID.

They'll want to speak to you.

What's that?

Some evidence we found.

Three letters.

Three...random letters.

Three letters that could have come out of a post bag.

Letters?

-Why's that evidence?

-Because we found them with the body.

No.

I don't like this.

Don't make me remember.

You can't make me.

HE GROANS IN PAIN

Hey, Doctor Beer Breath, I don't want you

-anywhere near my goodies with a scalpel, OK?

-I'm fine.

You don't look fine.

Prove it.

Fine.

Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker, Davison, Baker, McCoy, McGann,

Eccleston, Tennant, Smith, Capaldi.

That's all the Doctors, in order.

Al, prepare me a good funeral, huh?

Only if you let me have your Star Wars Collection.

Everything but the Han Solo outfit.

I'm going to be buried in that costume.

-Howard, give me your tie.

-What?

Give me your tie I haven't got my tourniquet.

Pick some good music. Nothing too churchy, no hymns.

You can have my funeral music.

Long as it's not My Way.

Nah, nah, it's much better.

# Well, I don't know why I came here tonight... #

Sing along!

# I got the feeling that something ain't right. #

I can't do it. Sorry.

I can't. I've never given a jab!

I'm so cold.

Do it.

# Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right, here I am

# Stuck in the middle with you. #

# Stuck in the middle...

Never retreat, never surrender.

A good quality in a Jedi.

HE MUMBLES AND GASPS

..but you always take it personal... if you fail.

No, no, Buck! You're not leaving me.

Stay with me!

Please!

Bucky!

I thought that as soon as the body was found, you'd made up your mind.

And YOU were determined to give him the benefit of the doubt,

-regardless!

-I didn't want to judge him.

When I was taken in for questioning, I began to doubt myself.

You didn't want to judge him, but what about judging me?

-Yes. But that's...

-What? Unfair?

You thought I'd decided he was guilty! No, I'd kept an open mind.

-OK, but...

-Did you ever consider he might have been using you?

What do you mean?

In my professional opinion, the only time you can make your mind up about someone is...

..is probably never.

Because just when you think you've got them figured out...

I'm sorry if I was unfair on you.

Do you need a statement?

Bucky, come on, man.

You can't leave me alone here.

SIRENS APPROACH Bucky!

Get off me! He's my friend.

I haven't got enough that I can lose one! Bucky!

You've been going ten minutes, maybe you should...

BUCK COUGHS AND GASPS Oh, yes!

Here! Down here!

Welcome back.

Where've I been?

A galaxy far, far away.

That was incredible. Good work.

You look how I feel.

Stop milking it. It's only a flesh wound.

You'll be out in a couple of days. Pardon the pun.

It's enough time for you two to make peace.

I've done nothing wrong.

You're not the loser you were.

I never was one.

Look, this all felt like holding on to the past.

It wasn't even that great.

# Well, I don't know why I came here tonight

# I got a feeling that something's not right... #

You...

..take care of yourself.

I'll call you.

Jerk.

-You saved my life.

-It's a good life to save.

Come to Boston.

At least, just keep in touch.

-I could always use a good friend.

-I always was a good friend.

You were just too busy hiding in the closet to notice.

Try and get some sleep.

You look naked without a tie.

Quite a day!

Bit of an eye-opener.

So, The Hasker DOES have moments of doubt?

Nah, that was just the booze.

All right, fine. Howard.

You saw a moment of doubt, make the most of it.

It's different when it's a friend, isn't it?

Come on, I'll give you lift home.

You know what, they're treating someone I care about there

and I want to make sure they do it right.

It's not that I don't trust them, it's just...

..Howard, I was a hero today.

Hartnell, Troughton, Pertwee, Baker, Davison,

Baker, McCoy, McGann, Eccleston, Tennant, Smith, Capaldi.

There are two nuns in a bath and the first nun says...

Where's the soap?

Oh, no, what's her name?

Eurethra Stratica?

Ah, yeah, you can get ointment for that!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Rub it on.

This place is all right, innit?

Isn't it?