Old Flames Doctors

Can you direct me to the pharmacy?

Kan du direkte mig til apoteket?

-Can you direct me to...?

-Can you direct me to a clean mug?

Sorry, so sorry! You're up early.

-Coffee?

-I'll make it.

No, no, you're all right. What are you doing?

Displacing. Teach yourself Danish.

-Are you going to Denmark?

-No.

Er, right?

Displacing is not doing what I ought to be doing.

Oh. Right.

I've been really slack and I will get some work done today.

Don't worry. I'll go to the library or a coffee shop or something.

-Why?

-I don't want to take advantage.

Oh, no, don't be daft. You're fine where you are.

-Seriously?

-Yep.

I won't be back till late, one of my Craft Club mates just had a baby.

I've got the seven o'clock slot to go and coo.

OK. Look, I will clean up. Where's your vacuum?

In the cupboard in the hall.

Consider it done. Straight through. And dusted.

What if we don't have anything to talk about?

How can you possibly have nothing to talk about?

What if it's a rubbish restaurant?

-Or a really, really, snotty posh one?

-Well, it won't be.

Rob will have made the right choice.

He'll find somewhere with a bit of glitz, he'll want to impress you.

I can't go, I haven't got anything to wear!

Have you seen the wardrobes upstairs?

-Knock yourself out.

-Seriously?

-Absolutely.

-You've got some lovely frocks.

-Yes, I have. So, problem solved.

Oh!

Erm... Can I ask a favour?

No, you can buy your own tights!

No, no. I don't want anybody talking. At work, I mean.

-You know, if it all turns out awful, I don't want...

-It won't.

Yeah, but what if it does?

-Dad!

-I know, I know... It's a new razor. Lethal.

OH!

-Dad!

-Neither use nor ornament!

-Sit there and calm down.

-Yeah, yeah.

I'll get you some cereal. You'd kill yourself if you fried an egg.

Listen, you've got to stay calm. Yeah. Be Zen.

If you get all wound up and freaked out about tonight, you'll ruin it.

-Just tell yourself to be cool.

-Be cool.

It's a big night, be bold, but be cool. You're cool.

-Mom's cool.

-We're all cool.

By the way, I've invited someone for dinner tonight.

What for?

Because I thought it would be nice.

-I'm meeting John after work.

-What for?

A soupcon of sweet sherry and a bowl of wonton soup.

-What do you think I'm meeting John for?

-Pot head!

Fine. Be nice to have Jimmi all to myself.

-Again.

-Jimmi?

Jimmi Clay?

His profile popped up on Mates Reconnected.

He's kept in very good shape.

Yeah. Right, someone told me he was near Birmingham.

Letherbridge. I popped an invite into his surgery this morning.

You RAN to Letherbridge?

If you didn't spend half your time spliffing up with your stoner mates,

you'd be able to run 20k before breakfast, too.

What's for dinner, then? Tofu?

Jimmi enjoyed 'athletics'.

Because we all just love a buffed up Taff, don't we?

I thought you could wow him with your raclette.

-I don't think they're real.

-Ah, an exciting night in the offing?

I didn't say anything!

How come he knows, then? If you didn't tell him? How do you know?

-I spoke to Imogen on the telephone earlier.

-Why?!

-Well, I like to keep up to date with Imogen's endeavours.

-Why?

The arts. I was an early supporter and mentor.

-We nearly went to Florence together.

-Hang on a minute!

-You and Imogen nearly went to Florence together?

-Yeah...

There were logistical problems,

but I will always be a champion of Imogen the artist.

That's all right, but don't talk about me.

I've got enough pressure as it is.

Karen! Does Heston look like a gossip?

Yeah.

Fair enough.

A sealed letter, hand delivered...

And if I'm not mistaken, that is a woman's hand.

-Haven't you got patients, Hetty Wainthropp?

-No.

There we are, confirmed. It's from a woman.

That is your 'I've got a letter from a woman' face.

It is not my 'I've got a letter from a woman' face.

It's an invitation for dinner tonight.

From a girl I used to know at uni.

"Know." As in the biblical know?

Oh, I forget you were a child bride, weren't you? How boring.

I was. But I was in an open marriage.

-Really? Tell me more!

-There is nothing to tell.

Anyway, she married Nate. Nate was my squash partner. He was fun.

He doesn't know.

HE GASPS Just like an episode of Dynasty!

HE HUMS DYNASTY THEME Jimmi Clay is digging for Royal.

-That's Dallas.

-HE LAUGHS

Anyway, they changed. They had a Porsche, and the big penthouse.

I hate them(!)

We lost touch.

Anyway, small talk, dinner, 'guess how much my house cost' chat.

-It sounds incredible dreary.

-No. It's just what I need.

I think you should come back with me instead.

Pint, bag of chips, a box set.

I'm going.

Oi, Marquez - I've been looking for you.

-Whatever it is, deny it.

-What?

-You OK?

-Yeah, fine. Why?

You still haven't sent me the update on Mrs O'Leary.

-SHE GROANS

-Haven't I?

No. And I need it.

You are so bad at your job.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I'll do it next.

All right, cheers.

You still messaging that Sarah from the dating website?

No. No. This is just a mate.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

PHONE RINGS

I know it'll be just you, Jimmi (Clay).

Anything on the telly tonight?

I am thinking of going to the cinema.

The whole experience of the cinema has changed.

Too many kids on their phones, too much chatting.

-I agree.

-Just pay to go super class.

No-one texts, you're in the perfect position for the triangulation

of the surround sound and they bring nachos to your very sofa.

I do like nachos. I'm not too partial to the jumbo sausage.

That's not what I heard.

THEY LAUGH

What?

What?

Karen, would you like a cup of tea?

You all know, don't you?!

Excuse me?

You've been talking about me and Rob.

Well, sorry to disappoint, but I'm not going.

What about you and Rob?

I don't do relationship drama.

Karen, we haven't been talking about you and Rob.

The only two people who know you're going on a date are Heston and I.

A date? Fantastic.

It's making me feel sick all this. I'm just going to kick it into touch.

Don't be silly. It's going to be lovely.

What are you going to wear?

Mrs Tembe, she has her outfit sorted - it's French, vintage.

Karen's going to look wonderful.

If Karen goes.

You will go.

You'll go.

And you will have a lovely evening.

According to Imogen, Rob has booked the perfect table

in the perfect venue.

So, how's it going with your single friend?

Who, by the way, is so airheaded that she hasn't even pinged over

Mrs O'Leary's notes.

Sorry!

My "single friend"

could have a date every night of the week for a year if she wanted.

I am here.

My "single friend" has been getting on very well

-with online Sarah.

-Yeah, that's online - not on a date.

What's the problem?

There's a massive difference between people and profiles.

What would you know about it?

Excuse me, what would you know about it? Bog off.

Children, children - don't make me take the cake away.

No, don't.

-O'Leary. After lunch.

-Promise.

FUNKY MUSIC

# Got to get you into my life

# Into my life

# Got to get you into my life

# Into my life

# Got to get you into my life

# Into my life

# Got to get you into my life

# Into my life

# Got to get you into my life

# Into my life

SHE LAUGHS

# I was alone, I took a ride

# Didn't know what I would find there

# Another row or maybe I could see another sign there... #

HE EXHALES

HE COUGHS

Can I get you something, a coffee? Some water?

No, I'm fine. Thanks.

Although I have booked the restaurant for 7.30.

-Right, I'll go and chivvy her along.

-Yeah.

Karen! He has been here nearly quarter-of-an-hour.

KAREN: I've got a temperature.

Then get out here and I'll check it.

What if I'm coming down with something?

Karen!

I feel a bit sick.

You're just nervous. You're excited. You're...

gorgeous.

Is he all right?

Yes, I will say, he scrubs up very well.

He's just a bit jittery. Look at you.

You sure I look all right?

Perfect.

I wore that once.

One night, one dinner - on the Cote d'Azure - overlooking the ocean.

It was the most romantic and magical night of my life.

You know what would be really mean right now?

Putting extra pressure on a person, that would be mean.

She's not coming, is she?

It's been a long time since I fired this baby up.

You should have been making sure it still works,

-not tarting about at the barbers.

-We should have bought a new one.

We can't afford a new one.

Watch my lips - we're not loaded now.

There's more to wealth than money, sweetheart.

DOORBELL RINGS

Wow, look at you! You haven't changed a bit.

Come in.

Hey, hey, there he is. How do we do this? Man hug?

Yeah?

THEY GROAN

Put him down. The raclette, darling?

Hunter-gatherer. Might have to get Urs to change the plug.

So...let's get you a drinky.

I've never forgotten how you like it, Jimmi. Never.

Lois! I'm back.

Yeah, I'm here. Just give me a minute.

You're early.

Good baby?

Yes. Lovely, plump, munchy baby.

You didn't find the vacuum then?

Stop it, stop it! It doesn't matter.

But I've turned your house into a tip.

THEY LAUGH

I'm going to go and get in the shower, put my jim-jams on.

If you really feel like you need to clean up, which you don't...

-Which I do.

-Well, you can. At least you got some work done.

Thank you.

Thanks.

Right, well...

What do you think? It's nice, isn't it?

Elegant without being swanky or over the top.

Hope you're hungry. What did you have for your lunch?

I'm starving.

I didn't have my lunch cos I was too nervous about tonight.

Really? Me too. What are we like?!

Well?

You've only been on the toilet.

So, what do you fancy?

My mother was so right about you, Nigel.

Karen?

Here we go.

You can put a pig in a palace. It's still a pig.

HE GRUNTS LIKE A PIG

Bit embarrassing.

Do you fancy the devilled sweetbreads to start?

Sweet? To start? Is that 'on trend' now?

No, no, no, no. They're lambs'... erm, you know, testicles.

HE CHUCKLES

You know, we had this exact same conversation about sweetbread

-a couple of years ago.

-Did I say you were mad then?

Yeah. Although you did bow to some gentle gourmet pressure.

You loved them...once you tried them.

Although you did order them with crossed-eyes for comic effect.

MAN SNORTS

Yeah, we'll order whitebait. We'll share.

So, if you don't like the sweetbreads,

you can have the whitebait.

Try not to drool over the waiter's bum, darling.

Have they got any soup?

Soup, you don't want soup. Let's be bold.

It'll just be some twist on tomato.

We-we-we can have soup.

-Do you know what I don't get?

-What?

Why you're still here?

Because you are.

I'll have what you say but can I have steak for mains?

Yeah, of course you can. You can have whatever you want, Karen.

Why not try it medium rare?

You don't want it all chewy and done to death.

Do I not? OK. But I can't eat it if there's blood.

MAN BURPS LOUDLY

It should be sizzling.

Talking of which, what do you do to stay in shape, Jimmi?

Oh subtle. She's saying you're still hot.

Time's been kind to you too, both of you.

-Mmm, not the economy, sadly.

-The house is lovely.

Useless pile of crap.

So should have checked it.

Like you should have checked the share prices?

Honestly - if it was just me who caused our social plummet.

Crack on then - that salmon's from the posh shop.

Sorry, mate. I won't be long.

I'll get the extension cable, try a different socket.

Eventually he will - but he'll have to spliff up first.

So, Jimmi, do you do any recreational drugs

or are you strictly a sexual recreationalist?

I'm...no, I don't...

People change.

They don't. I always knew you'd come. You'd find me.

You found me.

Wonder what else I can find.

I better go and see if Nate...needs a hand.

Thanks.

KAREN EXCLAIMS

-Sorry, was that your foot?

-It's OK.

Did I tell you that you look stunning?

Once or twice.

Whitebait?

Oh.

-Oh, my days! It's got his head on it!

-It's whitebait.

The least they could've done is cut the bloody head off!

Have mine.

No! I've just had a fish's head in my mouth,

I'm not going to have sheep's doo-dahs! In fact...

Excuse me, can I get some soup and a couple of rolls?

Pig in a palace.

And my steak, I don't want it medium rare.

I want it properly cooked. Well done. Properly well done.

Oh, no. No, thanks.

She put the moves on you?

You must be starving.

I've had the nibbles.

Sounds painful. That's about our level for fine dining nowadays.

Nibbles. What a crock.

Don't worry. I can see that...

That we're poor people putting on a show?

No. I meant stressed.

My career's been the dampest squib in the history of damp squibs.

I am financially imbecilic. And Ursula?

Ursula can't keep her libido in check. Either here or at work.

After a month, every woman in every company she works for hates her.

-Is that skunk?

-We're still mates, right?

As a mate, I should tell you there's

-psychosis issues around that stuff.

-It stops me toppin' myself.

-Seriously?

-No, I'm joking!

-Look, if you need help, I can, I can...if you wanted...

-Seriously?

Whatever you need - information, support, counselling...

-Can you lend us a couple of grand?

-What?!

It's just that if I had a couple of grand,

I could get in on the ground with something.

It's not for long. It's just a couple of grand - four at the most -

for three months, say - six tops.

JIMMI SIGHS

No, 'course not. Sorry. You didn't come expecting to get touched up.

HE LAUGHS

Not by Ursula, nor for a loan. You got a fag?

No. I don't smoke anything.

Then why did you come outside?

You actually care about me, don't you?

Yeah, of course I do, you're a mate.

Ah, man. I knew you always were a cut above the average dude.

I always knew that about you, Jimmi. Sort of an inspiration.

Shut up!

I always wanted to do this...

Whoa! Mate! Nate! Nate! No. No...

FUNKY MUSIC

Jimmi, hungry?

-He filled up on bread sticks.

-What did you do?

-What did I do?!

-Where's my coat?

-Jimmi...

I'm not taking part in your freaky little threesome.

Threesome?

We got any chocolate babe, I'm starving?

Oooow! Chocolate fondue! What's wrong with Jimmi?

-When did he get so dull?

-He is a bit of a bore.

Where are my keys?

If I only had three words? Quivering, suburban and dullard...

-I want my bloody keys!

-Oh, Jimmi, do play nice.

Oh, right. Where would weirdo swingers hide my keys?

Careful. You're beginning to look like a bit of a prat now.

You are so out of order.

I'm not the one who's stoned, I didn't try to blag a loan

and I'm not the one who tried to feel me up.

-A loan? How much?

-Two to four.

K? Ha!

You dirty little tart! Did you try to jump Jimmi?

Don't go, Jimmi! I'll muzzle Nate, I promise!

Fruit bowl - of course they'd be in...

What are you, the king and queen of the cliches or something?

This is pathetic. If I had time, I'd feel sorry for you.

All I wanted was a nice quiet evening with some old mates.

If that makes me a dullard, then fine.

I'd rather be dull than weird and creepy.

THEY SNIGGER, LAUGH

DOOR CLOSES

Glass of wine?

Now, you see, I knew there was a reason I let you stay.

SHE LAUGHS

CHRIS: 'Hello.'

All right, mate. Sorry to bother you, is Mandy with you?

'Nope.'

I need her password. Do you know it?

'Nope.'

OK. I'll try her again.

'Sorry, mate.'

Thanks anyway.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS NEARBY

Mandy!

You see, it's not tender like that, is it?

Do you know what's not fair?

What's not fair is that you know so much about me.

I might have been right about the steak but you and lambs' knackers...

Nil points.

It's your own hair. Just eat it, you miserable, moaning cow.

If I wanted hair...

Shall I tell you a bit about me?

I'm plain, I'm simple. I iron my own shirts.

You love it that you don't have to iron my shirts.

I hate ironing.

I make the same joke every time we pass a church on a Sunday.

I say, "There must have been a show on."

-KAREN LAUGHS

-And you laugh.

-I beg your pardon?!

-You heard me.

You know, the one thing that has given me the most happiness...

is us.

Just you and me...being us.

Even the woman at the dry cleaners knows you slept around.

Oi - you two - enough of the cabaret!

SHRIEKING

Would the old me have sorted her out?

Cos I feel like I would've done. I can if you want me to.

I think she probably would have done. Please, Karen, sit down.

I'm sorry about that. She's a bit unhinged.

Jog on, Porky.

-Oh, look...

-It's all right.

MUSIC: "Small Town Boy" by The Communards

If Freya listened to this, she'd cry.

Oh, sorry.

No. She used to cry if she was listening to

the Streets of Philadelphia

or Ernie The Fastest Milkman In The West.

What about something we can dance to?

Oh, no, come on. Really? I'm not a dancer.

I'm not.

I tell you what - I was with her when she bought...

Hang on, let me find it.

I'm sorry.

What for?

I'm sorry for being such a rubbish date.

For the knackers and the fish faces.

I'm sorry I didn't chase after that stuck-up cow and sort her out.

You must be freezing.

Well, it's been different.

You'll not want to do it again.

No, that's not the Hollins' way.

You know, on our third date I had to have six stitches

and you nearly had to have your stomach pumped.

What happened?

I'll tell you next time.

May I?

Next time.

Yeah!

KAREN LAUGHS HAPPILY

Yes!

There you go...

MUSIC: "You Never Can Tell" by Chuck Berry

SHE CHEERS: I love this!

Come on!

THEY HUM ALONG

MUSIC AND LAUGHTER

SINGING

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

# "C'est la vie" say the old folks

# "It goes to show you never can tell"

THEY LAUGH

-What have you done to her?

-I didn't mean to scare her.

They're sisters. They look alike, so what?

You don't need this.

I've told you, I can handle it.

What happened?

Why's he still here? What does he want?

I can't leave yet. Unfinished business.

You need to tell Lois that she needs to stay somewhere else.

I'm trying to help.

Get out. I'm going to call the police. Just get out!