Skin Deep Doctors


Skin Deep

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HE SIGHS

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MUFFLED ELECTRONIC MUSIC

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HE GROANS

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I hope this teaches you to take the 'beware of the dog' sign more seriously next time.

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And you could lay off the breaking and entering,

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that might also be a good idea.

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-OK.

-Let's go.

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-Emma...

-Hmm?

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How's... How's Karen getting on?

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Really well.

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Really well.

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-SHOUTING:

-Get off!

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Get off me! Get off!

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ELECTRONIC MUSIC

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Can I turn this down?!

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Where'd you get those?

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They're my birthday present.

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Davey's a generous guy.

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You're selling, aren't you?

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What if you get caught again? How will you get a job?

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What jobs? It's not like I haven't been looking.

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Promise me you'll stop.

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Or what?

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Are you wearing make-up?

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Don't be daft.

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You are! You've got loads of orange stuff under your eyes!

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I couldn't get any sleep...

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We've been up all night. You don't see us tarting ourselves up.

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I have got to be on air in an hour.

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Oh, yeah. My brother's a TV personality.

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Or the spawn of Satan - I always forget which one.

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It pays the bills.

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So does selling weed.

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Where's my bike?

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Left it at the party.

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I think.

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Is this going to take long? I'm really busy.

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Sorry, but we couldn't get him out of the cell.

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And, uh...

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Just watch yourself.

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I think I can handle myself, don't you?

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Open the door. Open the door!

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Open the door!

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-What's wrong?

-Quickly.

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-At last!

-I'm so sorry.

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What happened to your face?

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Devon! Devon, darling, come and sort him out.

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He looks like one of those dogs with the saggy skin.

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What are they called - shar pee? Shar pei? I always forget.

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People, five minutes!

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Matt, we are coming to you live in five, four...

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As you can see, this design is just fantastic.

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To me it screams, "I know how to have a laugh with the lads

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"but I'm also sensitive boyfriend material."

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I know what you're thinking - it's not even Christmas!

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But if someone gave me this for my birthday,

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they'd have a friend for life.

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I could wear it for any occasion like a first date,

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or going to see my nan on a Sunday afternoon.

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I'd never want to take it off!

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I'm joking, of course, but the quality really is outstanding.

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So call us on 0909 879 0987.

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To pick up one of these bad boys - just £49.99!

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And we're clear.

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SIREN WAILS

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What happened in there?

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I, um...

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I can't be in same room as one.

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Eh?

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It's called coulrophobia.

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A fear of clowns.

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You're not kidding, are you?

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No. Believe me, I wish I was.

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-Where does that come from?

-I'd rather not talk about it.

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OK, fine. But we can't just leave him to bleed all over the cell.

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I just need to make a quick phone call.

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Matt,

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our audience don't like watching middle-aged men caked in make-up.

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It puts them off their breakfast.

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I'm sorry, the lights were just so hot.

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I think it had more to do with the tightness of this sweater.

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Don't get me wrong, I think flabby stomachs are sexy

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but there are some that think they're things to be ashamed of.

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I know I've not been at my best recently.

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I haven't been sleeping well. I've been too knackered to go to the gym.

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It's going to take more than a few early nights and a session on

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the rowing machine to make you look like a spring chicken, isn't it?

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Some people just pass their sell-by date.

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What are you trying to say?

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I like you, Matt. You've always been my favourite.

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And I would hate to lose you unless it was absolutely necessary.

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Look, I'll do whatever it takes.

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I've been here 12 years. This is the only thing I'm any good at.

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Maybe you should take some tips from Callum.

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Do you know how old he is?

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27?

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-38!

-No way!

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Do you want to know his secret?

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Come here.

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Well, come here.

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(WHISPERS) He apparently...

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PHONE RINGS

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-Jimmi?

-'All right, Mum, it's me.'

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Oh. I'm in the middle of something.

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Well, Mrs Kingston's results came back negative.

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You said to give you a call as soon as I heard.

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Yes. Sorry, but I really need to speak to Jimmi.

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'Why, what's happened?'

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Nothing.

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There's a patient here that I would rather was treated by somebody else.

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Are you all right?

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Yes, it's no big deal.

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Then why do you need Jimmi?

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Because he's dressed as a clown.

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Surely you have got over that by now.

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Well, it would appear that I haven't.

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What's Jimmi going to say when you tell him that?

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KNOCKING

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Emma, I'm sorry, but we need to interview him.

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OK, I'll do it, but make sure he washes his make-up off first.

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I'll talk to you later.

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Good luck.

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So, is it normal for men to get this kind of thing done?

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I've seen a few guys going into the Granger Clinic,

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which is attached to this surgery.

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A bloke at work gets it done every couple of months.

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Keeps him looking fresh for the camera.

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I knew I'd seen your face somewhere before.

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You were modelling a very fetching umbrella hat.

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You get used to it.

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Still, I don't know how long I'm actually going to be there

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because the guy they got rid of was only 45.

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Can they do that?

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In this industry, people can pass their sell-by date.

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I've been there 12 years. I'm not sure I know how to do anything else.

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If you can keep a straight face while wearing an umbrella hat,

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I'm sure you can do anything.

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This Granger Clinic - can you get me an appointment?

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I don't think you should rush making a decision

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just because you're worried about losing your job.

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I just want to talk through my options.

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KNOCKING

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Come on.

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Apparently this is Bubbles Galore. Sit down over there.

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I have to go and check on another prisoner.

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But don't worry, Chris is going to be here with you the whole time,

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so you're going to be safe.

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If you hassle her, I will come down on you like a tonne of bricks, OK?

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I'll be on my best behaviour.

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Good. Back soon.

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Are you going to tell me your real name?

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Bubbles Galore is my real name.

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If you say so.

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What's yours?

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That's irrelevant.

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You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.

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That's how this game works.

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I'm not here to play games.

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I make you nervous, don't I?

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Don't flatter yourself.

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Lots of people are scared of clowns. Nothing to be ashamed of.

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I am not scared.

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Then why are your hands shaking?

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What was it? Childhood trauma?

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Did a balloon animal burst in your face?

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Let's just get this over with, shall we?

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Would you like to know why I was arrested?

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I can't wait that long.

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At least it will give you time to figure out

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whether Botox is really something you want to do.

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There won't be much point if I've already been fired.

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Is there anywhere else you can recommend?

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I'd have to look into it.

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Don't worry, I'll find somewhere.

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The bloke at work says you can get it done at home.

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Those people rarely have medical training.

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Some of them must know what they're doing.

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Look, you're obviously exhausted.

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Why don't you take a holiday, get some rest?

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if you look after yourself properly,

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you might find you don't need any of this.

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You haven't answered my question.

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My role here is purely medical.

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If you want to make a statement, I can call Sergeant Hollins.

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He wouldn't understand.

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And what makes you think I will?

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You've got kind eyes.

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You remind me of my mum.

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Well, what I remember of her. She left when I was a kid.

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She went off with some posh bloke. My dad never got over it.

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I'm sorry.

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Don't be, it's not like it messed me up or anything.

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Have you got kids?

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He's hardly a kid anymore.

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Well, he's lucky.

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I don't think he'd agree with you.

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You tell him he won't know what he's got till it's gone.

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Devon, love, go easy there. We don't want another disaster. Thank you.

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If you took my advice, you wouldn't have to wear any make-up at all.

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Did you get that appointment?

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I've got the next slot.

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Fabulous! I'll get you the number of that personal trainer as well.

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He's a bit pricey but he's worth every penny.

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And these are to motivate you.

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Leather.

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Get the old ladies drooling into their sandwiches.

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Um...I'm not looking my best at the moment, you said so yourself.

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They're meant to be a bit snug.

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Why don't you pop them on and see what they look like?

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What if they don't fit?

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I'm sure that Callum will be more than happy to step in. Right?

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These are the trousers of a real rebel.

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Whether astride a motorbike, or hanging out in a cool bar,

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every woman will rush to be by your side - or man, if you prefer.

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These really are the comfiest trousers I've ever worn.

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The leather feels like silk against my skin,

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the rubbery texture moulds perfectly to the shape of the leg -

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with the added advantage

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that any food or drink spillage can easily be wiped off!

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Keep going, Matt.

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Sell them. Sell them!

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They're also the perfect trousers for any season -

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fitting snugly in the winter,

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yet a little bit of room for a breeze up the leg in the summer.

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So if you only buy one item of clothing in 2014,

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make it these beauties,

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or you'll be kicking yourself from now till next year.

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Wha... Whoa, whoa, what's going on?

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I'm all done.

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Can't I stay a bit longer?

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I'm afraid I've got other patients to see.

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Get off!

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But I need your help.

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What kind of help?

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-I've taken an overdose!

-What?!

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VIDEO GAME PLAYS

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Me and Davey saw you modelling those trousers.

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-Sexy beast.

-Thought you hated watching my show.

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It's always good for a laugh.

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-I think I might start looking for something else.

-Why?

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Do you really think I want people sitting at home laughing at me

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-while they eat their lunch?

-You never minded before.

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A job's a job. Do you want to sit here with me every day?

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Something else will come up.

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I've been saying that since I left uni.

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You'd have more luck helping me shift that lot.

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I could do with your salesmanship.

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I've got experience. That's very valuable these days.

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Yeah, experience making a prat out of yourself.

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There's more to my job than just wearing stupid clothes.

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Like what?

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Face it, Matt, you have no transferable skills.

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Unless another job will pay you to make a fool out of yourself.

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Swallow your pride and stick to what you're good at.

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That's what I'm doing.

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-Where you going?

-Where do you think?

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You don't need to worry about money.

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I've got it covered.

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Yeah, right(!)

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What have you taken?

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Pills.

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What kind of pills?

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Dunno.

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What did they look like?

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They were...

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small, and...

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-..white.

-Paracetamol?

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-Maybe.

-Can you tell me how many you've taken?

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Quite a few.

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Listen, do you want me to help you or not?

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Sorry, I can't remember!

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You better not be messing me about.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Come in.

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What do we know?

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I'm not ruling anything out.

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There are a number of drugs that wouldn't show symptoms yet.

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Hospital?

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Can you give me a minute?

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Thanks for coming so quickly.

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If you could just give me a minute to set up.

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-I'd like him to take a urine test.

-Right, if you're sure.

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His vitals are OK and I don't want to waste the hospital's time.

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-You think he'll co-operate?

-It's worth a try.

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This is the only way we're going to find out if he's telling the truth.

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Let's do it.

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You don't mind us taking a urine sample?

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Right, let's get you to the bathroom. Come on.

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You OK?

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OK, out of the way, out of the way.

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Can you hear me? Let's loosen this.

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Can you hear me?!

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Hello?

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Hello...

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What's up, doc?!

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HE CACKLES

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Get up.

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-Where are you going? Where are you going?

-Come on!

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SHE SNIFFS

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Don't let him get to you.

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It's a complete waste of bloody time.

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He has a lot of problems.

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Problems, Rob? He's a liar.

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He definitely needs help... psychologically.

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Can you let yourself out?

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OK, thank you.

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HE WINCES

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-Couldn't keep away?

-I didn't get to finish my examination.

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Tell me why you were arrested.

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You said you didn't want to know.

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Well, I've changed my mind.

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-Don't pretend like you care.

-I do.

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I...I don't need your help.

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Then why did you ask for it?

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Tell me why you're scared of clowns,

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then maybe I'll tell you why I was arrested.

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The hydrocortisone will reduce the inflammation

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and counter your allergic reaction.

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How does my face look?

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You're lucky. I'd say they probably diluted the Botox to save money.

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-What an idiot!

-I did warn you.

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I just felt I had to do something.

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You might feel nauseous for the next couple of hours.

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You should go to St Phil's, get yourself checked over.

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I've got to get back to work. I'm back on air soon.

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-Seriously?

-Yeah.

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MATT WHEEZES

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It was my sixth birthday party.

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And he chased me around the garden,

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squirting water at me from one of those giant plastic flowers.

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-Yeah.

-He terrified me so much,

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the only thing I could do to get away from him

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was to kick him in the shins.

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My mother was furious. She had to pay him double

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because he said he'd been physically assaulted.

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A plastic flower?

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Yes, all right. Not all phobias come from a logical place.

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Well, mine do.

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Your turn.

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It's embarrassing.

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They all started laughing and pointing at me.

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-Who did?

-The kids.

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Then they starting throwing things -

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sausage rolls, cheese puffs...

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There's other stuff too, I think even some jelly at times.

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I mean, no wonder I lost my temper.

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-What did you do?

-I punched a wall.

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Yeah. I mean, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

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Well, we all get frustrated - especially with children.

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Yeah. I thought I'd love being a clown

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but this business just chews you up and spits you out again.

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I think that you would benefit from having some counselling.

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I'm not mental.

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I know, I didn't say that you are.

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But I do think that you would benefit from talking to someone.

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Well, I'm talking to you.

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Yeah, well, I'm not trained. You need to see a counsellor.

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-You seem to be doing a pretty good job to me.

-See a counsellor,

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and if it doesn't work out, then you can come in and see me at The Mill.

0:22:180:22:23

Who should I ask for?

0:22:240:22:26

Emma Reid.

0:22:280:22:29

I'm, uh...

0:22:310:22:33

Harry Gregson.

0:22:330:22:34

There you are! You're on in a minute.

0:22:410:22:43

I might sit this out.

0:22:430:22:45

You can't be serious.

0:22:450:22:47

I'm feeling rather run down. I think I might take a holiday.

0:22:470:22:50

Where's your stamina?

0:22:500:22:52

-Maybe I'm just too old for this.

-Oh, don't be silly.

0:22:530:22:57

Look at that face.

0:22:570:22:59

That face was made for TV.

0:22:590:23:01

Now,

0:23:020:23:04

maybe there's something I can do to help you relax.

0:23:040:23:08

I can't do this.

0:23:100:23:11

You are so sexy when you're upset.

0:23:110:23:14

I mean it. I'm done!

0:23:140:23:15

Be very careful what you say, Matthew.

0:23:170:23:20

There'll be no coming back from this.

0:23:200:23:22

Good.

0:23:220:23:24

Then I won't have to look at your revolting face ever again.

0:23:240:23:28

Get out.

0:23:300:23:31

GET OUT!

0:23:310:23:33

You're the one in the men's toilets.

0:23:340:23:37

HE RUNS THE TAP

0:23:460:23:48

They came out of nowhere.

0:23:560:23:58

-The children?

-They weren't children!

0:23:580:24:01

-They were at least 13.

-I guess now we're both unemployed.

0:24:010:24:04

-TV PLAYS

-At least you were good at your job.

0:24:040:24:06

I can't even cut it as a small-time drug dealer.

0:24:060:24:09

I don't think that's anything to lose sleep over.

0:24:090:24:11

I'll make sure I'm prepared for an ambush next time.

0:24:110:24:13

-There won't be a next time.

-A man's got to make a living.

0:24:130:24:16

If you bring weed into this house again,

0:24:160:24:19

you can go back and live with Dad.

0:24:190:24:21

You wouldn't do that to me.

0:24:220:24:25

You want to find out?

0:24:250:24:26

-TV TURNS OFF

-Oi!

0:24:290:24:31

My house, my rules.

0:24:310:24:32

What are you going to do now?

0:24:360:24:38

HE SIGHS

0:24:540:24:55

HE CACKLES

0:24:590:25:01

Thanks.

0:25:040:25:05

-You all right?

-Yeah.

0:25:050:25:07

He's harmless.

0:25:070:25:09

Actually...

0:25:090:25:12

that's not true.

0:25:120:25:14

Why? What do you mean?

0:25:160:25:18

I had a word with the guys who went to the scene.

0:25:180:25:21

And it wasn't pretty.

0:25:230:25:25

Rob, what did he do?

0:25:280:25:30

Do you really want to know?

0:25:350:25:37

HE CACKLES LOUDER AND LOUDER

0:25:370:25:41

You couldn't carry these to the van for me, could you?

0:25:480:25:51

My back is killing me.

0:25:510:25:53

Mine's not that great either.

0:25:530:25:54

# I'll know when my love comes along

0:25:540:25:59

# I'll know... #

0:25:590:26:01

Mrs Tembe, drugs reps can be a pain but very seldomly life-threatening.

0:26:010:26:05

-We don't have to kill him. I'll smash his kneecaps.

-No!

0:26:050:26:09

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