Skin Deep Doctors

HE SIGHS

MUFFLED ELECTRONIC MUSIC

HE GROANS

I hope this teaches you to take the 'beware of the dog' sign more seriously next time.

And you could lay off the breaking and entering,

that might also be a good idea.

-OK.

-Let's go.

-Emma...

-Hmm?

How's... How's Karen getting on?

Really well.

Really well.

-SHOUTING:

-Get off!

Get off me! Get off!

ELECTRONIC MUSIC

Can I turn this down?!

Where'd you get those?

They're my birthday present.

Davey's a generous guy.

You're selling, aren't you?

What if you get caught again? How will you get a job?

What jobs? It's not like I haven't been looking.

Promise me you'll stop.

Or what?

Are you wearing make-up?

Don't be daft.

You are! You've got loads of orange stuff under your eyes!

I couldn't get any sleep...

We've been up all night. You don't see us tarting ourselves up.

I have got to be on air in an hour.

Oh, yeah. My brother's a TV personality.

Or the spawn of Satan - I always forget which one.

It pays the bills.

So does selling weed.

Where's my bike?

Left it at the party.

I think.

Is this going to take long? I'm really busy.

Sorry, but we couldn't get him out of the cell.

And, uh...

Just watch yourself.

I think I can handle myself, don't you?

Open the door. Open the door!

Open the door!

-What's wrong?

-Quickly.

-At last!

-I'm so sorry.

What happened to your face?

Devon! Devon, darling, come and sort him out.

He looks like one of those dogs with the saggy skin.

What are they called - shar pee? Shar pei? I always forget.

People, five minutes!

Matt, we are coming to you live in five, four...

As you can see, this design is just fantastic.

To me it screams, "I know how to have a laugh with the lads

"but I'm also sensitive boyfriend material."

I know what you're thinking - it's not even Christmas!

But if someone gave me this for my birthday,

they'd have a friend for life.

I could wear it for any occasion like a first date,

or going to see my nan on a Sunday afternoon.

I'd never want to take it off!

I'm joking, of course, but the quality really is outstanding.

So call us on 0909 879 0987.

To pick up one of these bad boys - just £49.99!

And we're clear.

SIREN WAILS

What happened in there?

I, um...

I can't be in same room as one.

Eh?

It's called coulrophobia.

A fear of clowns.

You're not kidding, are you?

No. Believe me, I wish I was.

-Where does that come from?

-I'd rather not talk about it.

OK, fine. But we can't just leave him to bleed all over the cell.

I just need to make a quick phone call.

Matt,

our audience don't like watching middle-aged men caked in make-up.

It puts them off their breakfast.

I'm sorry, the lights were just so hot.

I think it had more to do with the tightness of this sweater.

Don't get me wrong, I think flabby stomachs are sexy

but there are some that think they're things to be ashamed of.

I know I've not been at my best recently.

I haven't been sleeping well. I've been too knackered to go to the gym.

It's going to take more than a few early nights and a session on

the rowing machine to make you look like a spring chicken, isn't it?

Some people just pass their sell-by date.

What are you trying to say?

I like you, Matt. You've always been my favourite.

And I would hate to lose you unless it was absolutely necessary.

Look, I'll do whatever it takes.

I've been here 12 years. This is the only thing I'm any good at.

Maybe you should take some tips from Callum.

Do you know how old he is?

27?

-38!

-No way!

Do you want to know his secret?

Come here.

Well, come here.

(WHISPERS) He apparently...

PHONE RINGS

-Jimmi?

-'All right, Mum, it's me.'

Oh. I'm in the middle of something.

Well, Mrs Kingston's results came back negative.

You said to give you a call as soon as I heard.

Yes. Sorry, but I really need to speak to Jimmi.

'Why, what's happened?'

Nothing.

There's a patient here that I would rather was treated by somebody else.

Are you all right?

Yes, it's no big deal.

Then why do you need Jimmi?

Because he's dressed as a clown.

Surely you have got over that by now.

Well, it would appear that I haven't.

What's Jimmi going to say when you tell him that?

KNOCKING

Emma, I'm sorry, but we need to interview him.

OK, I'll do it, but make sure he washes his make-up off first.

I'll talk to you later.

Good luck.

So, is it normal for men to get this kind of thing done?

I've seen a few guys going into the Granger Clinic,

which is attached to this surgery.

A bloke at work gets it done every couple of months.

Keeps him looking fresh for the camera.

I knew I'd seen your face somewhere before.

You were modelling a very fetching umbrella hat.

You get used to it.

Still, I don't know how long I'm actually going to be there

because the guy they got rid of was only 45.

Can they do that?

In this industry, people can pass their sell-by date.

I've been there 12 years. I'm not sure I know how to do anything else.

If you can keep a straight face while wearing an umbrella hat,

I'm sure you can do anything.

This Granger Clinic - can you get me an appointment?

I don't think you should rush making a decision

just because you're worried about losing your job.

I just want to talk through my options.

KNOCKING

Come on.

Apparently this is Bubbles Galore. Sit down over there.

I have to go and check on another prisoner.

But don't worry, Chris is going to be here with you the whole time,

so you're going to be safe.

If you hassle her, I will come down on you like a tonne of bricks, OK?

I'll be on my best behaviour.

Good. Back soon.

Are you going to tell me your real name?

Bubbles Galore is my real name.

If you say so.

What's yours?

That's irrelevant.

You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.

That's how this game works.

I'm not here to play games.

I make you nervous, don't I?

Don't flatter yourself.

Lots of people are scared of clowns. Nothing to be ashamed of.

I am not scared.

Then why are your hands shaking?

What was it? Childhood trauma?

Did a balloon animal burst in your face?

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Would you like to know why I was arrested?

I can't wait that long.

At least it will give you time to figure out

whether Botox is really something you want to do.

There won't be much point if I've already been fired.

Is there anywhere else you can recommend?

I'd have to look into it.

Don't worry, I'll find somewhere.

The bloke at work says you can get it done at home.

Those people rarely have medical training.

Some of them must know what they're doing.

Look, you're obviously exhausted.

Why don't you take a holiday, get some rest?

if you look after yourself properly,

you might find you don't need any of this.

You haven't answered my question.

My role here is purely medical.

If you want to make a statement, I can call Sergeant Hollins.

He wouldn't understand.

And what makes you think I will?

You've got kind eyes.

You remind me of my mum.

Well, what I remember of her. She left when I was a kid.

She went off with some posh bloke. My dad never got over it.

I'm sorry.

Don't be, it's not like it messed me up or anything.

Have you got kids?

He's hardly a kid anymore.

Well, he's lucky.

I don't think he'd agree with you.

You tell him he won't know what he's got till it's gone.

Devon, love, go easy there. We don't want another disaster. Thank you.

If you took my advice, you wouldn't have to wear any make-up at all.

Did you get that appointment?

I've got the next slot.

Fabulous! I'll get you the number of that personal trainer as well.

He's a bit pricey but he's worth every penny.

And these are to motivate you.

Leather.

Get the old ladies drooling into their sandwiches.

Um...I'm not looking my best at the moment, you said so yourself.

They're meant to be a bit snug.

Why don't you pop them on and see what they look like?

What if they don't fit?

I'm sure that Callum will be more than happy to step in. Right?

These are the trousers of a real rebel.

Whether astride a motorbike, or hanging out in a cool bar,

every woman will rush to be by your side - or man, if you prefer.

These really are the comfiest trousers I've ever worn.

The leather feels like silk against my skin,

the rubbery texture moulds perfectly to the shape of the leg -

with the added advantage

that any food or drink spillage can easily be wiped off!

Keep going, Matt.

Sell them. Sell them!

They're also the perfect trousers for any season -

fitting snugly in the winter,

yet a little bit of room for a breeze up the leg in the summer.

So if you only buy one item of clothing in 2014,

make it these beauties,

or you'll be kicking yourself from now till next year.

Wha... Whoa, whoa, what's going on?

I'm all done.

Can't I stay a bit longer?

I'm afraid I've got other patients to see.

Get off!

But I need your help.

What kind of help?

-I've taken an overdose!

-What?!

VIDEO GAME PLAYS

Me and Davey saw you modelling those trousers.

-Sexy beast.

-Thought you hated watching my show.

It's always good for a laugh.

-I think I might start looking for something else.

-Why?

Do you really think I want people sitting at home laughing at me

-while they eat their lunch?

-You never minded before.

A job's a job. Do you want to sit here with me every day?

Something else will come up.

I've been saying that since I left uni.

You'd have more luck helping me shift that lot.

I could do with your salesmanship.

I've got experience. That's very valuable these days.

Yeah, experience making a prat out of yourself.

There's more to my job than just wearing stupid clothes.

Like what?

Face it, Matt, you have no transferable skills.

Unless another job will pay you to make a fool out of yourself.

Swallow your pride and stick to what you're good at.

That's what I'm doing.

-Where you going?

-Where do you think?

You don't need to worry about money.

I've got it covered.

Yeah, right(!)

What have you taken?

Pills.

What kind of pills?

Dunno.

What did they look like?

They were...

small, and...

-..white.

-Paracetamol?

-Maybe.

-Can you tell me how many you've taken?

Quite a few.

Listen, do you want me to help you or not?

Sorry, I can't remember!

You better not be messing me about.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

What do we know?

I'm not ruling anything out.

There are a number of drugs that wouldn't show symptoms yet.

Hospital?

Can you give me a minute?

Thanks for coming so quickly.

If you could just give me a minute to set up.

-I'd like him to take a urine test.

-Right, if you're sure.

His vitals are OK and I don't want to waste the hospital's time.

-You think he'll co-operate?

-It's worth a try.

This is the only way we're going to find out if he's telling the truth.

Let's do it.

You don't mind us taking a urine sample?

Right, let's get you to the bathroom. Come on.

You OK?

OK, out of the way, out of the way.

Can you hear me? Let's loosen this.

Can you hear me?!

Hello?

Hello...

What's up, doc?!

HE CACKLES

Get up.

-Where are you going? Where are you going?

-Come on!

SHE SNIFFS

Don't let him get to you.

It's a complete waste of bloody time.

He has a lot of problems.

Problems, Rob? He's a liar.

He definitely needs help... psychologically.

Can you let yourself out?

OK, thank you.

HE WINCES

-Couldn't keep away?

-I didn't get to finish my examination.

Tell me why you were arrested.

You said you didn't want to know.

Well, I've changed my mind.

-Don't pretend like you care.

-I do.

I...I don't need your help.

Then why did you ask for it?

Tell me why you're scared of clowns,

then maybe I'll tell you why I was arrested.

The hydrocortisone will reduce the inflammation

and counter your allergic reaction.

How does my face look?

You're lucky. I'd say they probably diluted the Botox to save money.

-What an idiot!

-I did warn you.

I just felt I had to do something.

You might feel nauseous for the next couple of hours.

You should go to St Phil's, get yourself checked over.

I've got to get back to work. I'm back on air soon.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

MATT WHEEZES

It was my sixth birthday party.

And he chased me around the garden,

squirting water at me from one of those giant plastic flowers.

-Yeah.

-He terrified me so much,

the only thing I could do to get away from him

was to kick him in the shins.

My mother was furious. She had to pay him double

because he said he'd been physically assaulted.

A plastic flower?

Yes, all right. Not all phobias come from a logical place.

Well, mine do.

Your turn.

It's embarrassing.

They all started laughing and pointing at me.

-Who did?

-The kids.

Then they starting throwing things -

sausage rolls, cheese puffs...

There's other stuff too, I think even some jelly at times.

I mean, no wonder I lost my temper.

-What did you do?

-I punched a wall.

Yeah. I mean, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Well, we all get frustrated - especially with children.

Yeah. I thought I'd love being a clown

but this business just chews you up and spits you out again.

I think that you would benefit from having some counselling.

I'm not mental.

I know, I didn't say that you are.

But I do think that you would benefit from talking to someone.

Well, I'm talking to you.

Yeah, well, I'm not trained. You need to see a counsellor.

-You seem to be doing a pretty good job to me.

-See a counsellor,

and if it doesn't work out, then you can come in and see me at The Mill.

Who should I ask for?

Emma Reid.

I'm, uh...

Harry Gregson.

There you are! You're on in a minute.

I might sit this out.

You can't be serious.

I'm feeling rather run down. I think I might take a holiday.

Where's your stamina?

-Maybe I'm just too old for this.

-Oh, don't be silly.

Look at that face.

That face was made for TV.

Now,

maybe there's something I can do to help you relax.

I can't do this.

You are so sexy when you're upset.

I mean it. I'm done!

Be very careful what you say, Matthew.

There'll be no coming back from this.

Good.

Then I won't have to look at your revolting face ever again.

Get out.

GET OUT!

You're the one in the men's toilets.

HE RUNS THE TAP

They came out of nowhere.

-The children?

-They weren't children!

-They were at least 13.

-I guess now we're both unemployed.

-TV PLAYS

-At least you were good at your job.

I can't even cut it as a small-time drug dealer.

I don't think that's anything to lose sleep over.

I'll make sure I'm prepared for an ambush next time.

-There won't be a next time.

-A man's got to make a living.

If you bring weed into this house again,

you can go back and live with Dad.

You wouldn't do that to me.

You want to find out?

-TV TURNS OFF

-Oi!

My house, my rules.

What are you going to do now?

HE SIGHS

HE CACKLES

Thanks.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

He's harmless.

Actually...

that's not true.

Why? What do you mean?

I had a word with the guys who went to the scene.

And it wasn't pretty.

Rob, what did he do?

Do you really want to know?

HE CACKLES LOUDER AND LOUDER

You couldn't carry these to the van for me, could you?

My back is killing me.

Mine's not that great either.

# I'll know when my love comes along

# I'll know... #

Mrs Tembe, drugs reps can be a pain but very seldomly life-threatening.

-We don't have to kill him. I'll smash his kneecaps.

-No!