Chris FM Doctors

So, you think you know your music? Not today, you don't.

I'll be playing all the old favourites,

-but not quite as you remember them.

-Chris?

There's loads of versions of Hotel California.

But for all you dudes out there, this one is from The Big Lebowski.

Christopher! What on Earth is going on in there?

Just practising stuff for my radio show.

Oh, I see! I hope Howard knows what he's let himself in for.

Thanks for the support(!)

Sorry. I've got a lot on my mind.

Anyway, you know I've never really been a fan of your kind of music.

-I don't care.

-But I promise I will try to listen.

-OK!

-Good luck!

# Hey, Mr DJ, put a record on, I wanna dance with my baby... #

-Very good.

-So, have you got all your patter sorted then?

-Ready to get down with the kids?

-They're students.

And I wouldn't mind running the playlist past you,

cos some of the songs are a bit eclectic.

What exactly does that mean?

It means that you and I, Karen, have never heard of it.

Oh, I don't know. Immie and Jack...

I hope you're going to introduce those musically deprived ears

-to a bit of Beethoven or Berlioz!

-Heston, it's supposed to be fun!

This is not a laughing matter. >

I'm counting on you to uphold the reputation of this practice, Chris.

-Can you do that?

-Yes, sir.

-Good.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it..."

-Just the person I wanted to see.

-What have I done now?

-Any last-minute tips for my radio show?

-You're asking me?

Well, yeah, you know, benefit of hindsight and all that.

OK, just one - don't do it.

Only kidding. Is Antonia going to be on your case?

Well, I have used the uni studio before, doing DJ workshops

with some of the kids at the youth club.

-So, fingers crossed, I should be all good.

-Then you're laughing.

Almost. Because the lad who is my guest has bailed on me.

If I'm going to be there lecturing students, it is so important

that I've got someone there that they can relate to.

Agree with you there. Got to go. Good luck - rather you than me.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hi.

-Hi. You're a sight for sore eyes.

I was passing - thought you might like some proper coffee.

You bet. Come in.

The theme of today's show is "Ten Things I Hate About You".

Yes, you - the students that I see down the surgery every day.

Number one - I hate the way you get totally legless

and then dare yourselves to do something completely stupid.

Enough with the Man on Wire impersonations -

if you are drunk, you're going to fall off and break something.

Doesn't matter whether it's Borneo or the Bullring.

You're going to break it, sprain it, tear it, maim it.

There isn't a single part of the student anatomy that

I haven't had to put stitches in.

E-mail, call, or text me with whatever medical is on your mind.

Meanwhile, here's the first of my very special playlist.

Your favourite songs, but not quite as you remember them.

Wonder what Liam and Noel would make of Mr Paul Anka.

You must be going crazy cooped up in here.

It's all right.

Catching up on old favourites?

Yeah, I'm turning into a right couch potato.

-Even the box sets get boring after a while.

-I know what you mean.

Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing?

OK. Being at work helps. Helps take my mind off things.

Yeah. Don't know what I'd do without the internet.

Yes, I'd noticed.

You've got a very interesting profile.

HE LAUGHS

-You've seen it?

-Let's just say that I've been made aware of it.

You seem to be very keen on bragging about your conquests.

Oh, no, I'd completely forgotten about all that.

It's just a daft thing I do after a night out.

Oh, yeah, I can't believe I did that.

Deleted, all gone. Yeah. Thanks for reminding me.

That's just the sort of thing they could use against me, isn't it?

Is that all you're bothered about?

No, no, of course not. No. I'm sorry, Em.

I didn't mean to offend you. It's just... Just childish.

Yeah, well. I don't appreciate having my private life broadcast

-to all and sundry.

-I completely forgot it was there.

-It should have been deleted ages ago.

-But you posted about O'Neil.

Yeah, asking for trouble.

I can assure you I won't be doing anything like that again.

Forgive and forget?

Yeah.

-Congratulations, you made it on time and on the right day.

-Thanks.

And you're looking a lot better than when I saw you last.

The new diet's working out OK?

Kind of.

My friends all think I'm a freak, but nothing new there.

This isn't cabbage soup - you've just given up alcohol.

Exactly. Round here that's a criminal offence!

But you're sticking with it OK?

Plenty of fluids, fruit and vegetables, lots of rest?

Trying to. It's that or getting my stomach pumped again, isn't it?

You've got to give your body a chance to recover.

It could have been fatal.

I know. They gave me a lecture at the hospital.

And how are you feeling in yourself?

It's hard going. Like everyone can see the real me.

Is that so terrible?

More e-mails coming through... "I swallowed a live fish

"as part of my art project, how much Omega-3 does that give me?"

Well, Shaheen, "not a lot" is the answer.

I can think of much tastier ways to get my weekly dose of fatty acids

but, if it helps you get your degree...

Moving onto another one -

"What happens if you..."

HE LAUGHS

I can't read that out, Larissa from Languages!

OK, onto the third thing I hate about you - hangover cures.

CHRIS ON RADIO: 'Now, word of advice - the best hangover cure is water and sleep.

'Not anti-hangover patches, or disgusting food concoctions'

and DEFINITELY not more alcohol!

And we have our first caller -

you are live, and as they say on the proper shows, please, do not swear.

-Who's this?

-'Tessa - Tess for short.'

Hi, Tess, what can I do for you?

-'I think I might have lung cancer.'

-OK. What makes you say that?

'I've been smoking since I was 12. And I've had a cough for ages.'

That doesn't mean you've got cancer.

'I checked it out on the net. Now, I've started coughing up blood.'

OK, Tess, you really need to go and speak to a doctor about this.

'I hate doctors, that's why I'm talking to you.'

I know doctors can be a little intimidating,

but down at the Campus Surgery,

they're all really friendly and approachable.

'So you think it could be cancer?'

I can't say that, Tess,

you need to have a proper examination with a doctor.

There's all sorts of things it could be - TB...

'TB?! They can't cure that any more, can they?'

If they treat it soon enough, yes.

'This is serious, isn't it?'

No, like I said - just get yourself down to the Campus Surgery,

you can have a nice chat with one of the doctors, and...

RADIO: 'Hello? Tess?

'Tess?'

You're making great progress.

I wish all the students I see were as responsive as you.

I've got finals soon.

I don't want the last three years to have been a complete waste of time.

I think you could encourage a few others to give it a rest.

-What do you mean?

-I have a friend, Chris - he's the nurse here,

-you've probably seen him for your checkups.

-Yeah.

He needs a volunteer.

You're not going to put me in for some kind of medical trial, are you?

No, nothing like that. He's got a radio show this afternoon.

-Here at the uni. And he's looking for some great guests.

-Me?

I think you'd be perfect, Edie.

Hearing what happened to you might stop someone else

from giving their liver such a hard time.

You want me to go on and tell everyone about the joys

-of having my stomach pumped?

-Not exactly.

There's no way I'm doing that in public.

-Everyone will really admire you for speaking out.

-In my dreams!

You've got a great personality, you just don't know it yet.

And you're never going to find out if you don't speak up and let everyone see

-what a great woman you are!

-You're just saying that.

I'm not! You could've gone back to the same old, same old. People do.

Even after a visit to A&E, your friends are giving you a hard time,

but that hasn't made you start drinking again, has it?

But I won't force you.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

-I wouldn't know what to say.

-Chris will support you all the way.

-I'm not really ready for it.

-I'm your doctor and I think you are.

Really? 100%.

Not a patch on what you brought me, unfortunately.

Oh, erm, actually, I'd better be going.

But it's really good to see you're still your old self.

Oh, you know me! Always the optimist.

Can't you stay for a bit? Keep me company?

I can't. Chris has got his radio debut as we speak.

-I promised I'd listen.

-You can listen here.

That's very kind, but I'm not sure it would be your cup of tea.

Chris's taste in music is a little unusual.

You should have seen my teenage record collection!

Come on, have a cuppa.

Go on then.

Chris Reid here from the Campus Surgery,

let me know if your heart or anything else is bothering you.

OK, who have we got here?

-'Someone who could do this a whole lot better than you.'

-Sorry?

-'You cocked up that last call, didn't you?'

-And you are?

'Ben. 3rd year med. I'm going to be one of those doctors

-'you were so disparaging about.'

-I wasn't...

-'Just proved what happens

'when patients speak to the monkey, not the organ grinder.'

-Excuse me?

-'Ever heard of aspergillosis? Thought not.

'Comes from living in damp, squalid conditions -

'like that found in most student houses, in fact.

'Breathlessness gives it away. Fungal growths on the lungs.

'Easily treatable.

'Not saying that's the cause but Tess, I'd run that by your doctor

-'if this idiot hasn't put you off seeing one.'

-Steady on.

'You're playing crap music and giving dodgy advice.

'I'd stick with giving injections and wiping up sick.'

How dare he talk to Chris like that!

'Bet you haven't even been to university, have you?

-'Where did you study?'

-That's none of your business.

'I think we have a right to know your credentials.

'You haven't been to university, have you? Well?'

-'Well, what?'

-'Did you go?'

-'No.'

-'There you are.

-'We've got some half-baked practice nurse telling us...'

-Have you heard this?

I'm afraid I have. Sounds like Chris is being outflanked and outgunned.

'..Freedom of speech, mate, that's what this country is known for...'

'I'd like to give someone else a chance.'

'Calls flooding in, are they? Now, everyone knows you don't really know what you're talking about.'

'Time for another track, I think.'

Haven't you got an important lecture or something to go to, Ben?

'Ha! Getting riled, are we?'

It's been great talking to you, but I've got another call coming through.

MUSIC: "(I Can't Get Me No) Satisfaction" by Devo

PHONE BEEPS

RADIO PLAYS

See, I told you it was a bit weird.

No, this is right up my street.

You are joking.

Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

-I can think of something better to do with the afternoon.

-Yeah?

Why don't we go upstairs?

What?

Still got something between us, haven't we?

-Are you serious?

-Why not? Nothing's stopping us.

Dave, my husband's just died.

-Right.

-I can't believe you'd even suggest it!

Oh, no, I just thought, we're alone together. We always got on so well.

Yeah, well, that's in the past for me.

Yes, stupid of me.

Yeah. Just thought...

Sam's death must be really raw?

-I can't go through with it.

-Course you can.

I've told Chris all about you, he's really excited.

-I'm not strong enough.

-You're stronger than you think.

-No-one's going to care about what I say.

-Yes, they are.

And this could be an important step on your road to recovery.

Have you listened to the level of conversation on a night out with your friends?

They're not exactly setting the world alight with the level of debate, are they?

What you've got to say is just as valid as anyone else.

OK?

OK.

"I made a curry for my housemates using a can of dog food

"and I'm worried I may have given them food poisoning.

"What are the chances?"

And so onto the sixth thing I hate about you - your diets!

Listen up, folks, cos this is serious. If it's covered in mould

and there's a chance there's a couple of maggots in there -

it is past its sell-by date!

And yes, even students need to have their five a day.

It's no good just chucking vitamin C tablets down your throat all day.

We have another call coming in. Hello?

'Hi, my name's... Maria.'

-Hello, Maria.

-'I'm loving your music, it's, like, really different.'

-Thank you.

-'I'd just like to say, I've seen you at the surgery

-'and I know how good you are.'

-Well, thank you, but I don't think...

-'No...'

people need to know. I've seen you doing magic tricks for little kids

who are terrified of injections.

And I've seen you talking to some old lady

who hasn't had a visitor in weeks and thinks no-one cares about her.

Well, we all try our best.

Nurses go the extra mile, don't they?

I think listeners should appreciate it.

Well, thank you very much for your call, Maria.

'Great to have your support. Time for some more music,'

I think. Here's a blast from the past, remixed somewhat.

Sam and I had an unconventional relationship, as you know,

-but it worked.

-You miss him more than you thought you would.

Yes.

No.

It's not as simple as that.

There's Chris.

You don't want to upset him.

Not exactly.

All sounds very complicated.

-Dave...

-We can keep it quiet.

-No, Dave.

-No strings attached, like before.

-I don't want a sexual relationship with you.

Not like you, playing hard to get...

I mean it, Dave. Don't touch me!

..Don't!

It's now time for our first guest.

I've got 3rd year student Edie with me. Hi, Edie.

Thank you for coming in.

SHE SCREAMS

I think there's a few things you'd like to share with us?

You're going to have to speak up a bit, this is radio, remember.

Sorry.

This doesn't have to go any further!

Do you want to just start from the beginning?

Tell us in your own words?

-MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE

-Sorry, sorry.

Sorry. I should have reminded you about that.

Let's not worry about it too much for now. Let's have a bit more music.

Here's My Bloody Valentine giving us a bit of Louis Armstrong.

Are you OK?

-It's too late to play the innocent.

-I didn't want any of this to happen!

No? I bet you're loving it.

-Are you sure you want to do this?

-Yeah!

I'll report you!

Yeah! Bring it on!

Who's going to believe you?

You've already been accused of topping your husband.

So, I think things have got a bit tough for you recently, haven't they?

The whole station knows you like putting it about.

No! It's been great.

THEY STRUGGLE AND STRAIN

What?

I wouldn't be here, if I hadn't been drinking. It's great.

You're gorgeous, you are! So manly.

'Let's get you some water. Is there someone I can call...?'

'You can call me any time. Mmmm, how about a kiss...'

'Hold on to me. I'll help you out of the studio.'

'Yeah, let's go somewhere a bit more private.'

-'Let me call someone for you.'

-'ET, phone home...'

-SHE GIGGLES

I'm so sorry. She's a lovely person really.

-I thought she'd make a great guest.

-Don't worry about it.

There's not much more that could go wrong today.

I should really stay away from radio, shouldn't I?

Yeah, yeah, maybe you should.

Bet I know who this is going to be.

Hello, Ben.

'Screwed up again, didn't you?

'Listening to your show is enough to drive anyone to drink.'

Your feedback is appreciated.

'And to think they turned me down for this.'

-What do you mean?

-'I proposed a much better show.'

-Really?

-'Yes - unbeatable combination of expertise

'and an advanced taste in music.'

Well, why don't you come down and present the show yourself?

'And stop us all having more of a laugh at your expense? No way.'

-Put your money where your mouth is.

-'More like doing you a favour.'

Oh, no danger of that. I just think you're just scared,

like bullies everywhere.

'You calling me a bully?'

If the shoe fits...

'I could do your show with my eyes closed.'

-Then prove it.

-'OK, I will.'

-Good.

-'Good. I'm only round the corner, be there in five.'

Are you sure that's wise?

Probably not.

SHE RETCHES

Are you OK?

Having you here wasn't a good idea, was it?

I told you, I hate talking about myself.

Except to you.

So, what are you going to do when you get your first job interview?

When you really want to get close to someone?

Will you just have a few drinks then?

I'm sorry. I had no right to say that.

-You've never had to rely on alcohol, have you?

-No.

-You're lucky.

You underestimate yourself.

You've got this far. You haven't dropped out.

I don't want you to throw everything away. I think you can beat this.

Come back and see me tomorrow?

Your cab should be here soon.

It's OK, you don't have to wait with me.

I'll be fine. I'm not new to this, remember?

Please, go.

Promise you'll see me tomorrow?

'When I heard you and Ben earlier,

'I realised - what's there to be frightened of?

'He was so up himself.'

-Not all doctors are like that.

-'You're right.

'I could have lung cancer or I could have that other thing

'Ben was on about but either way, if I don't do anything about it,

'I'm going to end up dead, aren't I?'

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

'We can be a bit thick, can't we,

'considering we're all studying for degrees?'

I couldn't possibly comment(!)

Thank you for your call, Tess. I really do wish you all the best.

I've got your suggestions for some more outrageous cover versions -

but listener Ben has just arrived into the studio.

So, take it away, Ben. It's all yours.

-What?

-I'm not going to fight you.

You want to do the show, it's all yours.

-Just like that?

-Just like that.

-You're more of a lightweight than I thought.

-No. I just think

you like the sound of your own voice more than anything else in the world.

And I want to give you the opportunity to put it right out there, talk as much as you like.

Because when you do graduate,

when you do get to be a doctor, you'll have to do a bit of listening.

Which means that you'll have to shut up from time to time

'and give your patients a chance.'

-Switch that off, he's done enough damage.

-No, listen, he's being really good.

'Spare me the lecture,'

I get enough of those already.

I just want to give you a bit of friendly advice before it's too late.

Too late for what?

Too late to become that brilliant doctor you're so sure you're going to be.

-You don't know what you're talking about.

-I'm just a nurse.

And I do clean up sick and do all the other little jobs

that doctors leave us - but I love my job.

'And sure, I don't know all the "science",

'but I don't treat my patients like specimens either.'

-'And you think I will?'

-'Sounds like it.'

Cos you're educated to think that the label "doctor" makes you special,

that it makes you better than everyone else, but it doesn't.

You're brainy, yeah, and you've got some very particular skills,

but does that mean that you understand people more,

that you have some special empathy? Cos I think it's the complete opposite.

Unless you come down off your high horse

and join the rest of the human race.

Now, do you want to take over?

Very impressive. As you were.

'I want to dedicate'

this last track to Edie, and to students everywhere,

because the last thing I hate about you is your ability to survive.

Never again will your bodies be so abused, yet somehow,

you'll leave uni intact and get on with your lives like everybody else.

I'll see you at the surgery.

MUSIC: "I Will Survive" by Cake

# Oh, now, go

# Walk out the door

# Just turn around now... #

I can't dance to this!

# Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye

# Did you think I'd crumble

# Did you think I'd lay down and die

# Oh, no, not I

# I will survive

# As long as I know how to love I know I'll be alive

# I've got all my life to live

# I've got all my love to give

# I will survive

# I will survive

# Yeah, yeah. #

It's the postman!

Because you have previously been a victim of fraud.

A criminal gang was keeping your name on a database.

We thought you should know.

Thank you very much, but I would have known if I'd been a victim of fraud.

-ALARM

-What's that?

It means we have to start talking about something else. David said.

-Just like that?

-David said.

He tried to do it to me.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd