Santa Ranter Doctors

The central heating system has been recently upgraded.

Works on flexible economy timers.

Yes, very fuel efficient.

And as you can see all the...the original period fixtures have been maintained.

MUSIC PLAYS OUTSIDE

Er, yeah...you'll have no problem with a survey.

The house is structurally sound and very well insulated.

Yeah...in fact, you're looking at a real bargain.

MUSIC: "It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year" by Andy Williams

What is wrong with you? Eh?

Oh! Look, so, yes, if you'd like to have a think

and come back for a second viewing, that will be no problem.

-No problem at all.

-Ho, ho, ho!

-Any time you want.

Merry summer everybody, merry summer! Have you been naughty or nice?

How about cups of tea all round? Eggnog? Hot chocolate?

Mulled wine?

Why are you doing this? It's not Christmas for another six months!

To quote the great Mr Dickens,

"We should always keep Christmas in our hearts."

I know what I'd like to put through your heart and it's not goodwill.

Admit it. You're impressed.

I feel humble in your presence.

So you should be.

As the only one with a background in cardiology,

who else could Howard turn to to set up this glorious project?

So in other words, you're not so much Howard's first choice as his only choice?

Or maybe it's because he realises it would be in everybody's

benefit to draw upon my speciality.

So not because you're his biggest suck-up?

For your information Howard chose me...

Al, how are you feeling?

Hah! You know...top of the world.

-I know what your aunt meant to you.

-Thanks.

-Big day today, mate.

-Yeah?

-Howard's taking his "protege" to St Phil's this morning.

We'll be observing an echo machine in action.

Ooh! I don't know how you kids can contain your excitement.

This is really important for the Mill. I don't know why people aren't taking it more seriously.

Well, cut him some slack, Kev. He's grieving.

Why don't you ask him to join us for lunch at the Icon?

Me? Why can't you do it?

Well, it'll sound more casual coming from you.

But if you don't want to, don't worry.

I won't think you're mean-spirited or hard-hearted at all.

We should have the results in a day or two.

-What's that?

-Nowt.

Oh. Can I see?

It's not a pretty sight.

Ah, right. Um, looks like psoriasis.

Ah. I've had it before.

Ah. Yeah. Looks like Doctor Clay treated you for the same condition

about eight months ago.

With some success. But it's back with a vengeance.

Have you had any major changes in diet or um...

any undue anxiety or stress?

Stress?

Stress? My life is ruined!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello?

Miss Grady? I'm sorry. We're a little early.

That's all right. Almost ready, yeah?

Howard Bellamy, from the Mill Health Centre and this is Doctor Tyler.

Don't you have a first name?

Er, yeah. It's um...it's Kevin.

Hannah. I'd offer to shake hands but they're a bit slippy at the moment.

Well, you know what they say. Better slippy than...sloppy?

I...take it this is the machine in question?

-Would you like a demonstration?

-Well, if it's not too much trouble.

Not at all. All we need is a willing victim, yeah?

HIGHPITCHED LAUGHTER

Derek blooming Chaterton. The neighbour from hell.

-I'm having to sell my house because of him.

-Why, what's he done?

Oh! Where shall I start? Music too loud. TV too loud.

Mows the lawn at midnight.

He puts his bins out on the wrong day.

Well, have you spoke to him about your concerns?

Well, of course I've spoken to him about my con...

I've complained until I'm blue in the face.

Not that it's done any good.

Maybe you should think about changing tack?

How d'you mean?

Well, perhaps, um...just altering your tone a bit.

Oh, right. I've brought all this on myself.

No. That is not what I was saying. I was...

He's turned the front of his house into Santa's grotto.

He's done what?

Well, see for yourself. 49 Milton Grove.

-Sorry?

-I heard the loudmouth on his mobile.

One of your lot's going round to take his stitches out later.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry - I can't disclose that kind of information.

Right, but when you talk to him, get him to see reason.

Get him to get shot of that Christmas stuff

so that I can sell my house.

Mr Rooney, it's not my job to go round interfering in neighbours' disputes.

No. But it is your job to look after my health.

-Look what he's doing to me.

-OK. OK.

What I can do is...is get you an appointment with Doctor Clay.

Oh, and that IS going to make a lot of difference.

Well, thank you for your lack of help.

Is there any special preparation the patient needs to undergo before they have this procedure?

No, not usually. You can eat and drink as normal, yeah?

And what if the patient's on medication?

Well, it would depend what kind of medication they're taking

but in most cases it shouldn't matter.

Come and have a look.

You can see the aorta, left atrium, aortic valve and mitral valve, yeah?

I hope there's no problems with any of those.

In my opinion you're looking very fit.

How long after this test is it before you receive the scan?

Almost instantaneously.

That's one of the benefits of this little beauty.

The patient doesn't have a long anxious wait for a diagnostic outcome, yeah?

-What is it?

-It's just a little bit tickly.

What are you doing?

I've got a trapped eyelash. It's driving me crazy.

Let me.

Look up.

Aha.

There.

This is ridiculous.

How're we going to get through the whole bank holiday?

Um...we're just going to have to control our urges.

How d'you propose doing that? Tie a knot in it?

Well, I dunno...maybe I could go away for a few days?

Camping.

You? Camping?

Well, what's your bright idea?

Displacement activity. We'll have make ourselves TOO busy.

Let's redecorate the whole house.

Paint fumes - Joe.

Yes. Joe.

We could go away for the weekend to a hotel...

That's just taking the same problem somewhere else.

..that doesn't have a babysitting service.

Brilliant!

Well, thank you. That was very informative. Lots to absorb.

Further information on the machine's procedures,

plus a statistical analysis of typical diagnostic rates.

Fantastic.

You're sticking out.

Oh, sorry!

We should really think about making tracks.

If you've got any more questions, I'm happy to answer them, yeah?

I think I've got all the information I need here, thank you.

Are you sure you wouldn't like a go?

Yes, we really should be getting back to the Mill.

-Another time, yeah?

-Yeah.

If you're not doing anything later on, then maybe we can go for lunch?

Yes. I'd like that, yeah.

Well! That would have been lovely - I'm afraid I'm busy.

Thanks for asking.

Doctor Tyler?

-So, er...just...

-Kevin!

-Yes!

Keith! Keith! Come and say hello to Hubert.

Come on, Hubert, come and say hello to Keith. Hello, Keith!

Why are you doing this?

Doing what? Oh, I'm cheering up the neighbourhood, aren't we, Hubert?

Look, Derek, I know that we have never seen eye to eye

but the...but look, Derek! Can you for one moment stop being annoying?

Sorry?

Look, I was saying, can we come to some arrangement?

Oh, yes! Of course. Capital idea.

What are you talking about?

That here.

Hundred quid if you take down the lot.

Look. Why don't you come inside and we'll discuss it over tea?

I want an answer now.

I don't want your money.

Then what do you want?

I want...

Well what everybody wants. A wonderful white Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho!

There is obviously no reasoning with you.

Typical Kevin. Makes a lunch date and then leaves us waiting.

He said he's on his way, and something about a surprise.

Any idea what that's about?

Sorry we're late. Traffic was murder.

We?

Hiya!

This is Hannah. The best echocardiographer at St Phil's.

Ah, bless.

And we don't have names? Hi, I'm Jas, this is Al.

Kevin's already told me a lot about you.

I better be on my guard, yeah?

What?

Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I'm starving.

-Have you been here before?

-No, Icon virgin, yeah?

I recommend the beef pie.

Highly doubt any cow was harmed in the making of it

but the portions are huge.

MUSIC: "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" by Wizzard

Ah! Welcome, my dear!

I have been eagerly anticipating the prospect of your merciful ministries.

But first things first. Cup of tea?

SHE LAUGHS

I was beginning to wonder what happened to you.

Oh, I was just freshening up.

That's the fifth time.

-Actually, it's the sixth.

-You could always come to mine, if you like.

I might just take you up on that offer.

How about tonight? I could make you dinner.

-Or, you know...we could get something in.

-Sounds good, yeah.

I'll have to ask Jas but I'm sure she won't mind - it'll be fine.

-More wine?

-Oh, go on. But just a teensy-weensy splash, yeah?

-Wine, yeah?

-No, yeah?

Has someone shot us with an invisibility ray?

Why just a little bit? It's not like I'm trying to get you drunk! Actually, I am!

How can he put up with that awful noise?

It sounds like someone's strangling a baboon.

Love is blind. Lust is deaf.

It's not a problem, is it?

No...what?

I've invited Hannah round tonight.

I'm quite excited.

We can get to know each other more, yeah?

Yeah. Can't wait.

In fact, I've got most of the afternoon off,

if you want to come earlier?

Yeah, that'd be great, yeah.

Great.

Well, that's wonderful! Yes!

Well...Oh! Tell them I can move out ASA...

What?

No way!

No, look. Eh!

That's £20,000 below the ask... Yes!

Oh, yes, I'm well aware of what the property next door looks like

but I am... No, no I won't reconsider.

Tell them to stuff their offer!

Right. I've had enough of this.

In future please remind me to peel potatoes with a proper peeler.

Not an oversized kitchen knife.

Can you just keep still, please?

You have a very gentle touch.

Obviously very experienced at this sort of thing.

D'you come from a long line of mummifiers by any chance?

Excuse me. Have I offended you in any way?

Well, I was wondering why you didn't come to the surgery

-for your treatment?

-Because I can't.

Why not? Why not?

Well, I'm...I'm sort of agoraphobic.

I don't remember that being on your file.

It's more of a self-diagnosis.

Look, to be perfectly honest, me and the outside world don't really see eye to eye.

It can be very scary out there.

All those unfriendly faces.

So cold.

You don't go out?

Oh, it's not a problem. I can work from home as an IT adviser.

And anything else I get off the internet, you know.

Yeah, but what about a social life? You know, friends?

That kind of thing?

There's websites for that.

Yeah, but it's not the same, is it? I mean, as face-to-face contact.

No, thank you. You mean mister ratbag next door?

-I get enough of that with him!

-Mr Rooney?

Have you met him yet, have you? Moan. Moan. Moan.

Morning, noon and night.

Well, maybe he's got something legitimate to moan about.

-Like what?

-There's a lot of decorations out there.

Oh, yes. What d'you think of my modest little display?

It's hard not to notice. You must really love Christmas.

You're joking, aren't you? I hate it.

I hate everything to do with Christmas.

# Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel... #

Christmas is cancelled.

# Noel, Noel, the angels did say

# Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay... #

Hasta la vista, Rudolph!

# ..lay keeping their sheep

# On a cold winter's night that was so deep

# Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel

Argh!

Ooh! That sounded like Keith!

What is it? We're busy.

-Well, the demonstration was extremely effective.

-Good.

The imaging was amazing. You won't believe the level of clarity.

Yeah. Very impressive.

I mean, the way the image changes from 2D to 3D.

Great! Maybe we can have a tub of popcorn with every test?

Don't knock it. This'll be the best service the Mill provides.

It's such a sexy piece of equipment. Really sexy.

I mean, you'll love it. You won't be able to keep your hands off it.

I guarantee in six months' time, patient feedback...

-Talking of patients.

-Got to go.

There's just no exciting some people.

You know, I think you might've broken that.

-Wonderful.

-Well! You know, it could've been worse.

What on earth possessed you?

What would you have done in my place? Tell me that.

Well, I wouldn't have gone climbing up ladders to try and...

You don't get it, do you? I have tried everything.

Now, where is that lunatic, anyway?

Phoning you an ambulance.

-Refreshments, anyone?

-What?

Now, I've got some nice home-made Battenberg.

Ooh! Scones and jam and walnut cake. Watch those walnuts, Keith.

Get stuck in your teeth. Nice cup of tea?

You are unbelievable. Why don't you just drop dead?

-Oh, I say!

-Oi! That's enough.

Yeah, you're right. It is enough.

There's no rationalizing with you.

-You've won. You satisfied?

-What are you talking about?

I've had an offer on the house.

It's rubbish but I'm going to take it.

And then I'll never have to see you again.

No.

You can't go.

You can't go.

Please!

I never really had the opportunity to make friends.

Never acquired the knack.

I wonder why.

All the previous neighbours treated me like I wasn't there.

I was too shy to do anything about it.

You - shy? Hah!

Ah, yeah, but that's when you came in,

and everything improved for the better.

Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm going.

Oh, no, hang on, hang on... Let him speak. How?

He was the first person to really notice I was there, Keith.

All his whinging and moaning and complaints.

Like music to my ears!

So you deliberately provoked him?

It was my way of getting him out of his shell.

I think you're a bit lonely too.

-That's crap!

-Yeah, well why did you come and visit me last Christmas Eve?

Well, I had a burst pipe and needed to borrow a spanner.

You stayed for hours. We talked.

You gave me that.

As a thank-you present.

I mean, it certainly wasn't meant...

It was meant as friendship.

That's when I started putting up the decorations.

It was my way of responding, you know.

Usually people take the tinsel down after Christmas.

I meant to. I really did.

But then Keith put his house on the market.

You deliberately created this eyesore

to sabotage any chance of me moving!

What else could I do?

Mr Chaterton, your decorations have put Mr Rooney under a lot of stress.

That was never my intention, believe me.

If there's anything I can do to make amends...

Yeah, take all this Christmas stuff down.

Yeah. But then you'll move away.

There must be a way we can sort this out.

Mr Rooney?

Oh, Keith.

Keith. Well.

You don't really want to sell your house at a reduced price, do you?

No!

But then I don't want to live next door to Santa Claus, either.

OK. Derek, you want Keith as your neighbour, so,

so you're going to have to change your behaviour.

Keep the Christmas stuff for Christmas.

Do you think you can do that?

When Hell freezes over.

I'm...I'm not sure.

And if he does that, then you are going to have to help him.

-How?

-Well, by being a good neighbour.

Friend, even.

I don't know about that!

I never said it was going to be easy.

We could give it a try.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Where did that ambulance get to?

Oh! Er...

You see! How....how can I be friends with someone like that?

Look, look, I CAN change and I WILL change! I promise.

I'll prove it to you.

I CAN change. I WILL change.

Goodbye, Christmas!

Derek does have one good point.

He makes a great Battenberg.

No!

Oh!

Oh!

Careful!

Oh! Oh!

Derek?! Don't move. Do not move!

We need to get you to a hospital.

No. I'm not going anywhere.

Don't be so stubborn.

Come with me? Please!

TV CHANNELS CHANGE

'Females tend to breed about once...'

-Anything interesting on?

-No.

'They are receptive for between three to six days...'

What about a DVD?

We've watched them all. Twice.

-'They prefer to mate with the big bulls...'

-Great.

So - what are we going to do?

What's everybody looking at?

I really can't imagine.

Derek?

I'm not sure I can face this. Going outside. Outdoors.

Me and the outside world never did see eye to eye.

Well, you got here OK.

That's because I was diverted here by pain.

I'll slap you across the face if it helps. Joke!

Look.

Don't worry, I'll take care of you.

From tomorrow Christmas Land will be no more. I promise it.

Well. As soon as I'm able.

In that case I will take the house off the market.

-Oh!

-For now!

-D'you want to sign my leg?

-No.

-Can I sign your arm?

-No.

Aw, go on.

You, you're being annoying.

Just a quick doodle.

Still annoying.

I'm about to have you.

Really?

Your queen is exposed.

We'll see.

Now who's on top?

Mm. I wouldn't be so certain.

There's still lots of possibilities left.

So...

that's the way it's going to be?

No holds barred?

Did you think I was just going to... roll over for you?

Check.

Mmm.

Predictable.

If you're not careful...

..you're very soon going to be mated.

Check.

Mmm...

It is ridiculous!

I really like what you've done with the place, yeah?

The decor and everything.

If you like bachelor pads.

How come I haven't seen you round here before?

Maybe you just haven't been looking hard enough.

Or maybe he's just hard of hearing.

Here's hoping that this isn't the last time we see one another.

I think there's no danger of that, yeah?

So? How long have you been working at St Phil's?

You feel that?

I think I might need a second examination before the night's over.

Well, it's a bit of luck I'm on hand then, isn't it?

Well, if you don't mind, I think I'll call it an early night.

-You've got a very professional touch.

-I try to do my best.

Goodnight, then.

Going now.

This is me...leaving the room!

What? Oh...night.

Oh...night.

Night.

I'm not being funny but I thought she'd never shut up.

CHATTER

LAUGHTER

< ..find out how much you can take.

Stop!

Just tell them to shut up.

Well, it's Kevin's flat.

You could always move out.

How are you feeling?

I'm ill.

-She's dying.

-You're too soft hearted, that's your problem.

You do not speak about Sarah like that.

This is a new and sensible direction for us and it's perfect for Kevin.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd