Cactus Doctors

Now that's what I call lucky.

We're miles away here, Terry. What's wrong with the hospital car park?

Another £3.50 just to hear that my mother is perfectly fine?

No chance.

How are we going to carry that?

They're not going to let her have that in the hospital.

Silly mare.

Why have we got it, then?

Well, cos her poor neighbours don't want to be lumbered

-with that every time she phones for an ambulance.

-Come on, then.

-Well, she's your mother.

-You wanted to come!

This must be the, what, the fifth, sixth time she's been

rushed into hospital, only to be discharged the same day?

Terry, she hasn't been discharged.

Not yet!

If you want to waste your time....

Fine.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Or we could do lunch, then a movie, yeah?

But either way, let's book online.

Book what?

The cinema, or whatever. We don't want to be disappointed.

Who's disappointed?

Stop!

So, when's your next day off?

Not for ages.

Is it in your phone?

Hey!

Well, I can copy your days down so we can plan stuff, yeah?

Plan what?

The cinema or whatever.

I'll let you know.

Kevin, I'm so busy with work, we could miss each other for weeks.

OK.

I didn't realise this was a one-night stand.

Three-night stand!

Oh, no, sorry, that came out completely wrong.

I had three fantastic nights.

And days! Look, I'm just not very good at planning things, that's all.

Yeah, I get the picture.

Come on, Hannah. Don't be like that.

Thanks for nothing, yeah?

Hannah!

Damn.

-Morning.

-Hi!

-You're early.

-Yeah. So are you. What's your excuse?

Um, let's just say Kevin had a busy weekend.

Busy? Busy how?

I had cotton wool in my ears all night.

What? No way? What, the delightful Hannah, yeah?

Yeah!

And Kevin's got a day off today, so she may never leave again.

HE MOCKS HANNAH'S LAUGHTER

-I can't bear it.

-Just tell them to shut up.

Well, it's Kevin's flat.

You could always move out.

Sure. I'd have to win the lottery first.

You're smart. Oh, Al, it's the funeral.

-I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, it's this afternoon.

Well, I hope it goes well. Well, not well, but you know what I mean.

Sure.

Awkward!

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning, Hilda.

Now, would you like another book?

Who's that shouting? Is that you?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's just that Hilda is a little hard of hearing.

Well, stand nearer, then. People are ill in here, you know.

I'm sorry, but as I am here, would you like a book?

Now we have...we have thrillers, we have romance?

Oh, that's all I need. The Wet Lettuce herself!

Hello, Freda.

Are you OK?

Does she think I want to be in here?

How are you feeling?

I'm ill.

Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, Mrs Tembe! How nice to see you. We've missed you.

Mrs Dickenson... I help out with the books.

It's..it's Mrs Tembe from our church, Freda.

It's lovely to see a friendly face, isn't that right?

Where's my book?

Oh, I'm sorry. What about this one?

Now this is one of my favourites.

I've read it. Load of rubbish.

Oh, I am sorry. I will see what else we have.

It's too late now. My eyes are tired.

I'm tired.

I'm, er... I'm sorry Terry didn't come.

He had some things to catch up on,

but we've got your cactus in the car.

If he kills my cactus, I'll never speak to him again.

Hey! Did you hear that? You're my witness.

Your cactus is fine, Freda.

He'll kill it on purpose. You know what he's like.

Hmm, impressive. And the deal-breaker?

-Where's Karen?

-Oh, she's in there.

Mrs Blah-Blah wanted a female to help her get dressed.

Is that for me?

Looks like it.

"Howard, CCG will see you on Monday re proposal." Who's the lucky lady?

Monday! Kevin's not in, is he?

If you want advice on proposals,

I somehow don't think that Kevin is your man.

Indecent proposals, maybe.

Who's proposing to who?

-I was talking about my proposal for the echo machine.

-Oh.

Much less exciting.

It's a big step forward for The Mill.

Will Kevin be at home today?

-He was.

-Right. I'll give him a call.

I think he might be otherwise engaged.

Well, this is important. Why, what's he doing?

I hate to think, yeah?

HE MOCKS HANNAH'S LAUGHTER

Ah!

Oh. I'll try him later.

HE couldn't come himself, then?

Terry will come tomorrow if you're still here.

If I'm still here?

He knows I'm dying, then!

-So where is he?

-No, I mean if you're still in hospital,

if you've not gone home.

I'm on my last legs and he sends you!

Well, what do you think of that, then? Mrs... What's your name?

I'm afraid I...

There's a nurse. I'll just have a quick word.

Excuse me.

What he sees in her, God only knows.

Backside like a hippopotamus.

Don't you think?

Kevin? Sorry to trouble you at home.

-BREATHING HEAVILY:

-'Hello.'

The CCG can see us on Monday, any feedback on the proposal?

Er, yeah...

Er...one sec.

MORE HEAVY BREATHING

Are you busy?

Sorry. I was just doing some weights.

Oh, weights? I see. Right.

Have you read the proposal?

Yeah, I gave 'em a quick look over

-and I've got a couple of changes, but you've done a good job.

-Good.

-Daniel and Zara seem keen.

-Yes, that's true.

-And I'm sure Heston will see the benefits.

-Hm.

Switch your phone on, you silly man!

Are you all right, Mrs Dickenson?

My Terry insists on parking miles away, then leaves his phone off.

They want him at the bedside.

I'm afraid we're losing her.

I am so sorry.

They don't get on, Terry and his mum.

We didn't really think she was that ill.

Hello, love. Mrs Tembe, what a lovely surprise.

-How are you?

-I am fine, thank you.

You volunteers do a splendid job.

Where have you been? It's nearly lunch.

I'm sorry, Terry, I'm afraid it's not good news.

What? Is she playing up again?

Do you know my mother, Mrs Tembe?

I've spoken to the doctor. They say she's really very poorly.

Might only be a matter of hours.

You're too soft-hearted, that's your problem.

Terry, love, you...

you should be with her. She's...

she's dying.

You know what she's like!

She's got the whole of St Phil's dancing to her tune.

No, I'm sorry. I'm not leaving here till you've visited your mother.

You need to...you need to make your peace.

-Peace?

-For your dad's sake.

No.

-YAWNS:

-Sorry. Are you leaving?

-Yeah.

-You OK?

No, I'm fine. Here.

What's this? Wow. Talk about a luxury pad.

-Are you moving?

-No! They're for you.

Me? I don't think I could afford the...

-Is that the rent?

-Yeah.

They're owned by doctors who rent them out to other doctors

when they're on secondment.

That's incredibly reasonable! And this one.

So, do I...do I look presentable?

Sorry, yes. Here, just let me...

Perfect. Good luck.

And thanks!

-Mr Dickenson.

-Mrs Tembe.

You can't beat a conifer.

Always bursting with life.

Indeed. Shall I take you to the ward?

I like a plant you can really nurture.

Is your mother a plant-lover like yourself?

Good heavens, no! She's only got one.

She...she did mention it - a cactus.

Perfect for her.

A bit short on caring, my mum.

She thought more about that old cactus

than she ever did about me or my dad.

Well, I'm sure she did her best.

Hardly!

Well, it seems that her time is near, so...

HE SNORTS

No chance! She'll outlive us all, Mrs Tembe. You wait and see.

OK, thanks, Daniel. Look, he's ringing him now. I've got to go.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Heston! Howard. How are things at the Mill?'

I think we survived the morning without you.

Have you had chance to look at our cardiac proposal yet?

I emailed it.

I don't think it's arrived yet.

I'm seeing the CCG on Monday, so could we meet this afternoon?

Well, Friday is my first free slot.

Heston, we really need to discuss this.

I'll get on to it. I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Don't worry. Daniel's on the case.

You've got the proposal, then?

You're not in on it as well, are you?

Here's one I printed earlier.

Erm, Heston, look, this is a new and sensible direction for us,

and it's perfect for Kevin.

Who knows? You might even be impressed.

I worked with my mum for 20 years.

The delivery office in Batten Street, and my dad.

The three of you together?

I was 16 and two days when I started.

Biggest shock of my life.

My dad - my lovely, caring dad -

was a complete laughing stock.

She was slagging him off.

-Your mother?

-To his colleagues.

Well, that is not very nice.

She was never nice.

When he was near the end last year,

all he wanted was to be at home.

He died away at St Phil's, huh?

On his own, middle of the night, cos of her.

And now, now she is on her own.

These could be her last moments.

You are bitter, I understand that.

But bitterness can weigh you down.

It does.

Whereas forgiveness...well, you know it can release you.

-I do need to get things off my chest.

-Of course.

-Things that need to be said.

-Well, I did not mean...

-I'm saying them now!

-Mr Dickenson!

Nurse! Nurse!

I'm surprised you could spare the time.

Mum?

Where's The Wet Lettuce?

Mr Dickenson...

Have you finally had the sense to leave her?

Once a tramp, always a tramp.

Mrs Dickenson!

I told you before, you do not speak about Sarah like that.

How's my cactus? Let's hope she doesn't kill that off as well.

You are disgusting.

Help me. Help me!

I will fetch a nurse.

Oh, no. They won't listen. My...my throat's so dry.

Can I have some help, please?

What's wrong with plain English?

"Moving forward", "client group satisfaction",

-and by the way, we see patients, not clients.

-Heston!

I'm pitching to managers.

Oh, "pitching"? You sound like a desperate entrepreneur!

And your punctuation is atrocious.

-Are you really going to show that to the CCG?

-What's going on?

-If we waste increasingly scarce...

-We can hear you from reception.

Oh, I'm not allowed to discuss a lousy idea

that's going to damage the practice?

-Can you give us five minutes?

-OK.

-Thank you.

-Heston, what the hell's got into you?

-Me?!

I am not the yes-man,

desperate to please everyone because of his own personal cock-ups!

Excuse me!

Oh, dear, Freda.

Poor you.

Have you spoken to the doctor?

Where's Terry?

-He's not with you?

-No!

-He came to see her.

-What, they talked?

I do not think he realised how poorly she was.

Where's he gone?

Oh! Don't worry, Freda.

Our Terry takes his time, but he comes right in the end.

We know what he's like, don't we, you and me?

She's tired.

Wow!

CHORAL MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

She's gone?

About ten minutes ago.

Would you like to see her?

-Shall I sit with you?

-Please.

She was such a cold person, not like a parent should be.

When I think of my Sarah and what a wonderfully warm mother

she would have been.

Should have been.

You never had children?

We had a son. Peter.

When Sarah was pregnant was the only time my mother stopped slating her.

-Never to her face, mind you.

-No.

When she was expecting...

my mother seemed to accept her, accept that I loved her.

She had a grandson.

He had the cord round his neck.

There was nothing they could do.

Oh, I am so sorry!

Back then, there was no funeral, not even a grave.

Sarah was crushed.

Yes, well, I can imagine.

Just when I needed my mother most.

She was not sympathetic?

She blamed Sarah!

She didn't eat properly, she should've stopped work sooner...

Well, what did Sarah say?

She didn't tell Sarah! She told me!

But you were grieving!

You never told Sarah?

Losing Peter nearly destroyed her.

Well, she is gone now.

Perhaps...perhaps you can have some peace.

There you are. I'm so sorry, love.

It was very peaceful, wasn't it, Mrs Tembe?

They'll be taking her to the mortuary soon, love,

so you'd better come and pay your respects.

Terry?

I don't want to see her.

She needed you today, Terry. And you weren't there for her.

Mrs Tembe had to hold her hand.

It should have been you.

TV IS ON

-Hiya!

-All right?

Da-nah! Your favourite.

Brilliant! I'm starving! How was the campus?

Good, yeah. Same old.

-Does Hannah want any?

-Hannah? She's gone.

-Gone?

-Yeah. I was.... I was a little bit insensitive.

Mm! Mm! Delicious!

-So, um, Al showed me this amazing website this morning.

-Mm-hm?

Medic Homes? They rent out properties for doctors on secondment.

I actually went to look at one.

Why would you need

to look at houses?

I thought you needed some privacy.

Oh. Oh, sorry. Were we a bit...?

It was a long weekend.

Sorry. She's got this unbelievably weird laugh!

HE MIMICS HANNAH'S LAUGH

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-YEAH?

-Yeah!

-Yeah.

So, now you don't need to worry about moving out.

Hey, how about we go "out" out tonight, you know....

apologise for the weekend and... celebrate,

because no more Hannah and no more weird laugh?

Actually, I need to pack.

Pack?

I'm sorry, Kevin, while I was there...

I, um, I signed the lease.

You never listened to her.

She said she was ill.

I kept quiet these past few months cos I thought he had his reasons.

But this!

How he could blank out his own mother like that?

Mrs Dickenson, you are upset.

You're so...

unforgiving!

What if I did something wrong,

would you...

would you abandon me, too?

I can't believe I married such a cold, unfeeling...

Right.

I think it's best if I...

go and stay at my sister's for a couple of nights.

If you need any help organising the funeral, then give me a ring.

-The nurse gave me these.

-I don't want them!

-I am not organising her funeral!

-You're her son!

And she didn't give a damn about me!

I think you should both calm down.

Why is he behaving like this?

Because, Sarah,

I really, really believe

that she should reap what she sowed!

Please, wait! Mr Dickenson!

-She deserves to know!

-Know what?

Well, come on!

You think she meant well?

If I'd listened to her, I would never have married you.

What on earth do you mean?

She...she despised you. (I'm sorry.)

Why is he saying this?

Mrs Dickenson, on the ward, she said some very unkind things about you.

She...she called you a name that no mother should

call her...her son's wife.

Oh, you must be confused!

-I'm afraid not.

-Well, she wouldn't!

She also mentioned a cactus

and she said something like she...

she hoped you did not kill that one as well.

What?

She hoped that I didn't kill the cactus as well?

As well as what?

I love you. That's all you need to know.

She blamed me for Peter?

You never told me.

Thank you.

Let's go home.

It looks so...sad.

What are we going to do with that, then?

We're going to look after it. We're going to take care of it.

Who knows? It might even flower.

-There's a first time for everything!

-That'll teach her!

-Are these mine?

-Yours are all on top.

Ah, good job. I always thought you had terrible taste in music!

Remember this? New Year's Eve!

I thought the neighbours were going to kill us!

Come on, Kev! No more queueing for the shower,

-none of my shoes to trip over...

-What if I drop the rent?

We can still do pizza and nights-out. We're still mates!

I just need my own space. And so do you.

-Yeah, I could do with having my shower back.

-See?

You'll be glad to see the back of me.

-Where are my trainers?

-By the fridge.

What am I going to do without you?

Mr Jameson has taken your suggestion

of getting sponsorship for his skydive.

-Mrs Hollins is coming with me.

-No, I'm not!

-Heston, this is Liam.

-Your bursary student.

When I saw the way that Liam was looking at you.

You're a HERO to him. A father figure!

Why would you do that?

Not every day you get someone like that interested, mate!

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