Goodbye Yellow Brick Road Doctors

MUSIC: "Take On Me" by A-ha

HE HUMS

HE IMITATES FIREWORKS

EMAIL ALERT

No. No. No.

Yes.

# Take on me (Take on me)

# Take me on

# (Take on me)

# I'll be gone

# In a day...

# (Take on me)

# (Take me on...) #

"Tim Mannall, one of the greatest actors of your generation

"how does it feel to finally win the Oscar?"

It's chuffing brilliant, mate!

I'm made-up! I love being a film star, me.

You get to go in limos and everything.

'Rise and shine with Letherbridge FM...'

Oh!

No...listen, mate, any time, day or night.

I am here to help, that's... it's just my job.

Early bird catches the worm, eh?

Great minds think alike, huh?

Ooh, I'm enjoying these early morning cliches.

I'll tell you what. I throw down the gauntlet to you.

Let's see who can slip in the most cliches before lunch.

-Loser buys lunch.

-Bring it on.

I'm going to bring it on! I'm going to take you down to Chinatown!

Right. Competition starts, seconds out, from...now! After you.

-Another day, another dollar.

-Nice. One-nil.

I think you'll find that you've bitten off

more than you can chew. One all.

Mmmm. Yeah, whatever. I've got to go.

-Time waits for no woman.

-Oh, you're good. Two-one.

That's what I like to hear.

-What?

-You. Back on form.

-What do you mean?

-You know, after your Aunt, I mean.

Oh right! Yeah, no, no, no.

I'm fine. Thanks. Um...

HE EXHALES

I don't think it's angina.

Could you give me something for the pain, then?

I'd rather find out what's causing the problem first.

-Have you cut down on the cigarettes?

-Kind of.

That's a no, then. How's life treating you at the moment?

Any cause for stress?

Life's dreamy. What about beta-blockers?

Firstly, I'm not convinced it's angina.

Secondly, your symptoms are more in line with anxiety attacks.

So, if our examinations rule out any physical causes,

I'm more likely to refer you for some kind of talking therapy.

-What?

-For instance, with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy we can...

Yeah - I know what it is.

Don't worry about it, I'll come back and see a different doctor.

"Lost In Letherbridge star, Heidi and her new hunk

"enjoy a smooch on the tropical island paradise of Mustique."

Why have I just spent £3.50 to make myself feel old and inadequate?!

SHE CHUCKLES

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, I was until I bought this.

Right, this is for your own good. This is going in the bin!

-No! No!

-Karen! Oh Jas, come on, back me up!

The tabloid and fashion world is a parasitical merry-go-round

designed to make us feel inadequate and spend money we haven't got.

Amen to that.

Are you all right? You keep scratching.

No, I don't.

HE COUGHS

# When are you gonna come down?

# When are you going to land?

# I should have stayed on the farm

# I should have listened to my old man

# You know you can't hold me forever

# I didn't sign up with you

# I'm not a present for your friends to open

# This boy's too young to be singing

# The blues

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah-ah

# So, goodbye Yellow Brick Road

# Where the dogs of society howl

# You can't plant me in your penthouse

# I'm going back to my plough... #

Oh, please! I've got more fat on my arm

than that blinkin' Lost-In-Letherbridge woman's

got on her entire body. Look.

Oh, give over! You've got bag-loads more personality.

Jimmi, what's more important, looks or personality?

-Err...

-What's happened to your arm?

I knew there was something bugging me!

That'll be midges that!

I had terrible trouble last year with all the rain.

Mmm...that doesn't look like midge bites.

Yeah, I have to say I haven't noticed any around yet.

-Have you changed your washing powder.

-No.

-Any contact with animals?

No. Well, there's a stray that I sometimes give fish to,

but she doesn't come in the house. So, no.

-They can jump though, you know.

-What can?!

-Fleas.

-What?

-Urrgh!

No!

Check this guy out! Oi, Tinman!

-You need to get yourself down to the recycling centre!

-Bog off!

Go on. Go and play in the road or something!

Form a boy band.

Tin Man!

Oh, it is you!

'I'd have to leave work early. What is spinning, exactly, anyway?'

Urghh! Sounds hideous!

All right, you've twisted my arm! Yeah, meet you at the gym at five.

But you're getting the drinks after. Bye!

You didn't tell us that you weren't coming back.

The after-school club said that they didn't know

what had happened to you.

Well, Barney's been asking after you, haven't you, love?

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, it's just that you've really helped him.

He's really come out of his shell and...

well, he's even made his own costume.

He made ME make one, too.

He's missed you.

Well, we both have.

Dorothy! As I live and breathe!

-Oh!

-To what do I owe the pleasure?

-Oh, Barney's got the dentist.

Ouch! Still, morning off school, silver lining, eh?

Listen, I'm taking Molly for a milkshake after school,

-why don't you join us?

-Oh, erm...

-Incentivise him to the dentist.

-Oh, actually he's...he's been.

-We're on our way back.

-What do you say, Barney? Fancy a milkshake?

-Yea-ahh.

-Done deal then! The men have spoken, eh!

-I'll pick you up at after-school club?

-OK.

He's a funny-looking guy, isn't he, Barney?

What happens, does he move when you give him a coin?

I'll tell you what, let's see what happens if I give him a note.

He won't be used to that, hey? Should do a backwards flip!

-Nothing?

-Actually, I think he's on a break.

I just gave him a tenner!

Hang on a minute?

I thought I recognised that nose!

Tim? Tim Mannall?

It is you! Mannall?!

Yep.

HE LAUGHS

Ah! Just the man.

Any chance you could cover my last hour for me?

Something's come up and I don't want to involve Howard.

-It's personal.

-Sure.

-Tres bien.

Look! Hang on a minute!

Daniel's got a personal life too, don't you know,

-you can't just waltz in here and...

-Zara, it's fine.

-I don't have anything to rush back for.

-Oh, cheers, dude!

You are a true mate.

Since when did you two become so pally?

-We're not.

-Dude? Mate?

Probably the closest thing I've got to one, right now.

I haven't seen you in donkeys. Not since uni. How the devil are you?

Yeah. Peachy. You?

Bloody good! So, come on, how many kids? Married?

Nope. And no. You?

One, Molly. Divorced.

So what line of work are you in?

-Well...this.

-Oh!

You?

Yeah, still asset stripping. For my sins.

Dirty work, but someone's got to make a killing at it.

It's great to see you, Tim.

You still in touch with any of the Flying Chimps lot?

-No, not really.

-We used to do comedy together.

-Oh!

-Yeah, so...

superb.

What about the uni reunion? Did you get the invite? You coming?

Well, I'm quite busy, really.

Shame. You could wear your costume, do your act.

-That would be hilarious!

-Yeah.

-Anyway, I think we have to be going.

-Yeah, of course. Me too.

Got to shoot. I'll walk with you.

-It's so good to see you, Tim.

-You too.

-Oh no, keep it.

-Say bye, Barney.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-C'mon, boy.

-Hopefully see you on the 17th.

-Yeah. Definitely.

AH!

TIM CLEARS HIS THROAT

Can I help?

-Don't tell me, it's your heart!

-Yeah.

Sorry, I...

Tim? Is everything all right?

Come through.

Repeat prescriptions.

Did Martin Hague leave a med insurance form for me to sign?

Actually, just... It's fine.

Leave it on the side, I'll pick it up later.

I haven't got leprosy!

Sorry.

So. I hear you're infested.

I thought you might like to take a look at these.

-Know thine enemy and all that.

-What the hell is THAT?

Oh, they're fleas. Microscopically enhanced of course.

This sharp looking dealy here - that's its talon -

that's what it uses to pierce the skin and inject its saliva

into the blood stream. Some people can have a proper extreme reaction,

we're talking anaemia, we're talking hair loss.

But what you really need to worry about

are these bad boys. These are the eggs.

Once an infestation starts,

there can be literally millions of these in your home -

and it's no use trying to hoover them up.

Because they just live on in the vacuum bag.

Well, forewarned is forearmed and all that.

Good luck, Hollins.

It was when he started bigging himself up

and talking about the reunion, that's when the pain hit.

Anxiety can cause some pretty serious physical symptoms.

I think... There's this lady...

Dorothy is interested in me. I just froze.

I don't know what's going on with me. I...I don't recognise myself.

-I'm sorry I stormed out earlier.

-Comes with the territory.

So, you really think I'm depressed?

Status anxiety?

Don't know. Never thought about it. Maybe you're right.

I have to say, avoiding a life of drudgery

seemed like a good idea 15 years ago, but now I'm...

I'm starting to think ... "Well, all the rest of the Flying Chimps

"are solicitors and finance directors now."

Maybe they got it right.

-It's never too late to re-train, you know.

-How do you mean?

Well, if that's how you're feeling, if your priorities have changed,

then, go for it. You've still got time on your side.

Bruce Lee said this brilliant thing,

about the stiffest tree being the easiest to crack,

but the bamboo...the bamboo survives by bending with the wind.

-I love that.

-Are you taking the mick?

-What? No.

-I'm good at what I do.

I know that. All I'm saying is, if you want to do something different,

earn a bit more money, it's not too late.

-There's more to life than money.

-Of course there is, it's just...

What I do makes people happy. When I go into schools and see those kids' faces...

You're misunderstanding me.

All I'm saying is, if it makes you unhappy,

if it's making you ill, there's nothing stopping you

-from doing something else.

-Shut up.

Idiot.

Hi. I need to see Dr Carter right away.

-He's on house calls.

-Well, when's he back?

I need an urgent referral. I've got a suspected brain tumour.

OK.

Well, I can book you an appointment with another doctor,

-but it won't be today.

-Karen!

-You're Liam, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Dr Khella.

-Hi.

-Come this way.

-Everything all right, Karen?

-Err...

-It's like staring into the face of an evil warlord.

-What?

"A single flea can lay up to 5,000 eggs in its lifetime."

Well, I don't think you're in any fit state to carry on working today.

Why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off?

Pop and see a chemist, get yourself sorted out.

I can't run the risk of you infesting anybody else at the Mill.

Come back when you've got a clean bill of health.

Can you open the door, please?

What makes you think it's a brain tumour?

The pain.

And when did you first notice it?

Oh...this morning.

And how much did you have to drink last night?

I wouldn't wish a brain tumour on anyone,

but I really hope you're not wasting my time with a hangover.

No. No, I've had a hangover before, this is different.

Have you felt a similar pain when you've not been drinking?

And when was the last day that you haven't had a drink?

Erm...

Do you want my diagnosis?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

An overactive imagination from reading too many medical books,

compounded with a sudden injection of cash

and excessive alcohol consumption.

If you don't agree,

-I could always get Dr Carter to give a second opinion?

-No.

Right, well, my suggested treatment plan would be to pull your socks up

and stop frittering away a golden opportunity.

-Does that sound reasonable to you?

-Yep.

I'll get Mandy to get you some paracetamol.

How's he doing?

Suitably chastened, I think.

Have you seen Heston? He's not picking up.

Why? You're not going to tell him about Liam, are you?

Yeah, of course. He's trusted Liam with his own money,

he deserves to know what it's being used for.

I don't know, you know. I think he knows he's messed up.

I reckon we should give him a chance. Just this once.

What do you think?

Well, it's a tricky one.

He's a student... and he's been drinking(?)

I say we call the police. MANDY GIGGLES

Seriously, what message are we giving him?

That it's all right to be irresponsible,

fritter away Heston's money and get blind drunk?

We are offering him work experience here, we need him to be dependable.

-Yeah, I suppose.

-Look, I see your point but...come on,

we've all done it. Some of us still do.

Oh, come on, I've given him a bit of a telling off,

can't we just keep an eye on him?

All right. But one more strike and he's out.

Ooh, that's another cliche. You're on fire, Khella!

SHE SIGHS

HE BLOW A RASPBERRY, CROWD GIGGLES

HE MAKES MONKEY NOISES

Oh, you're too good at this, I can't catch you out!

Ladies and gentlemen, could I have a super-duper,

supercalifragilistic round of applause for the mighty,

the marvellous, the one and only Mr Barney Bale!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

Whoo-whoo!

Right, mate, you're a star. Brilliant.

See you later.

-That was great. Thank you.

-It's just messing around, really.

-Oh, um, you've a...

-Oh.

-..a bit of silver on...

-Oh, a bit left?

-A little bit of silver! No, it's not.

Look, he never would've stood up in a crowd like that before.

Maybe he finds it easier to be confident in character.

Yeah, maybe you're right. So...is that the same with you, then?

-That's a bit deep, isn't it?

-I know!

-Well?

-Ooof!

-What's that supposed to mean?

That's just pulling a funny face.

That's...a nervous face. This is a funny face.

SHE LAUGHS

Well, you still haven't answered my question.

Stop it, you're scaring me!

What's funny?

Oh, erm...oh, nothing.

Right.

Well, Molly and Barney want that milkshake, so shall we skedaddle?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

-Nice one, Tim. How much do we owe you?

Oh, no. You don't. It's nothing.

Oh, right. Cool. That was, err...yeah, quite good.

-You all set?

-Yep.

-Take it easy.

-Cheers. See you. See you.

-Bye.

I mean comedy's great. I'm good at it, I get a lot of laughs

but really, I've got to think of Molly's future.

But enough about me, tell me about Dorothy.

What are your dreams, ambitions, drivers?

Oh, I don't know. For Barney to be happy, really.

What are you two up to?

-BOTH:

-Nothing.

There must be something else that stokes your fire?

Well, no. I'm quite unambitious, really.

What's going on? Why do you keep looking at that tree? Sorry, Leo.

He's over there!

Who's over there?

The man who was following us.

Following us?

Tin Man. He's behind you!

-What the hell do you think you're doing?!

-All right, easy.

-Why are you creeping up on people? What's your problem?

-Nothing, I was just playing a game.

-Playing? You call scaring young children a game?

-What's going on?

-Tim here thinks it's funny to stalk young children.

-Don't be stupid.

Oh, it's stupid, is it? Is that what Munchkins would think?

Did they know this was your idea of fun when they did your CRB check?

-This is getting out of hand.

-Too right, it is. Someone needs to chill out. What happened to you?

-Meaning?

-You used to be all right.

I think you'll find real life, responsibility, kids has happened to me.

Not something you'd know about, still being one yourself. Get a job.

What, like you, you mean?

"Oh, Daddy, please can I be managing director of the company"?

Real life? You're a joke, and a coward.

At least I had the courage to follow my dreams.

-How's that working out for you?

-Oh, grow some balls, you sell-out.

Nice one, Tim. Come on, kids.

This way. Dorothy?

-I'm sorry.

-What for?

-No idea. Just general cover.

Let me tell you what you're sorry for.

Anaemia, hair loss, millions of eggs

spawning themselves all over our house. We're being invaded.

-You've lost me.

-Fleas! Look, look what you've done to me.

-And that's my fault because...?

-Because I caught them from you

and all the tramps that you deal with in this place.

-Do you want to keep your voice down?

-It's making me itch just being here.

Well, I'm not. And haven't you forgotten something?

What about that scraggy stray you insist on feeding?

It has never been in the house.

Right. Well, anyway, as you can see, I am very busy,

so why don't you just pop down to the chemist or the vet, or whatever?

No. Why don't you pop down the chemist or the vet or whatever?

I'm not setting foot in that house until it's been fumigated.

-Karen...

-I'm going to Angie's. Call me when you've been decontaminated.

MOBILE RINGTONE: "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road"

RINGTONE STOPS

-ANSWERPHONE BEEPS

-Hi Tim, it's Dr Tyler from The Mill.

Could you give me a call when you've got a minute, please? Thanks.

What... Is there a problem, Dr Haskey?

-I was looking for Dr Khella.

-Oh, you have just missed her.

Is there anything I can help you with?

I don't think so.

HE SIGHS

Ah, Tim. Found you.

Erm... I was thinking about earlier and...I was wrong.

Don't retrain, mate. I don't know why I even said that.

Sometimes, I wonder if I've got a brain.

Look, I've spent all day handing out one pill after another

and to be honest, anyone can do that.

But what you do, put smiles on people's faces,

that's pretty unique. Kind of enviable.

So erm...yeah, that's all I wanted to say.

Oh, come on, mate, don't leave me hanging. Say something.

MAN CHUCKLES

All right, OK!

Er, I hope you agree with what I just said.

Oh, well, you should do.

Come on. You showed passion standing up

for something that you believe in.

We all have bad days, but if you don't follow your heart,

then you're going to end up unhappy.

There. That's it, lecture over. I'm off home.

By the way, did you speak to Dorothy?

Oh, yeah? How'd it go?

Oh, come on, mate, I've only got a fiver left.

Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, can't stand here talking to you all day. I'm out of money.

You know where I am.

MUSIC FADES UP: "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John

# Ahhh ahhh ahhh

# So goodbye Yellow Brick Road

# Where the dogs... #

DOROTHY: You said something about dinner?

Hi. Sorry we're late but, um... Barney insisted that we wear these.

I thought...

I'm sorry about the park, I-I screwed up.

Yeah, you did. You should've punched him! Next time, eh?

So, where on earth are we going for dinner dressed like this?

# Beyond the Yellow Brick Roa-oa-ad... #

I know just the place.

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-aah

SHE GIGGLES

# Ah-ah-aaah-aaaaaah. #

Daniel needs Jimmi.

But does Jimmi need Daniel?

Well, of course. Whether he knows it or not.

ANIMAL YELPS

-What was that?

-I have no desire to find out.

You must give me the recipe.

First, take one badger. Cut off head and tail.

-Aren't they a protected species?

-Oh don't worry, it was roadkill.

-He can't change.

-I have to give him a chance.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd