20 Million Miles to Letherbridge Doctors

That had better be Daniel! And if it is, stop it.

I've got a lot of time to catch up on.

Not. Here.

OK, well, I'll just save it all up for tonight, then.

That looked cosy. Catch you later!

Hey, take a look at this. Heston's going to phone home.

Careful! The mirror inside is very fragile.

Sorry.

Are you feeding an army?

Oh, no, I...

This is just a few snacks to keep our strength up

through the small hours.

I thought it was stargazing, not an all-night marathon.

Well, if we're lucky we'll get an unrestricted view of Ursa Major,

and see the meteor shower everyone is talking about.

You sly dog. I've heard some chat-up lines in my time,

but "Take a look at my white dwarf"? That takes the biscuit.

Oi! That was mine, that one.

All right! I didn't see your name on it.

HORN BEEPS

TOBY LAUGHS

Toby!

Long time no see, eh?

Yeah, it's been a while, man.

Yeah, but we're going to make up for that.

You. Me. Open fire.

Sleeping under the stars.

-What? You want to go camping?

-Tonight.

Eh? It's pouring down.

No, it's going to clear. It's going to be perfect conditions.

It's a bit short notice.

I've got everything we need in the van. Come on, mate.

You can't miss out on the return of The Men Who Howl At The Moon!

The what?

Um...well, are the rest of the lads coming?

Well, Matt's working late.

Well, Gary's going to be there? And Gonzo?

Gonzo?

Trust me. It's not the same without Gonzo.

It's just you and me. The others let me down.

And I thought they were mates.

-Well, why not try and arrange something for next month?

-No. It's got to be tonight. Please, Chris.

You're my last chance. Mate?

All right, cool, yeah.

I knew I could rely on YOU.

I'll pick you up at seven, yeah?

That was nice of you.

-Whooooo!

-Whooooo!

We only used to hang about with him cos he had a van.

MANDY LAUGHS

So. You and Daniel - back to hunky-dory?

Since when are you still so interested?

Joe's got his father back.

Daniel has accepted that he made mistakes. I've forgiven him.

Let's move on.

And Jimmi?

It is about time he stopped moping. It's not like they couldn't both use a mate.

You're forgetting Jimmi's Welsh. They don't forgive easily.

Karen Hollins! I didn't have you down as a xenophobe.

But you are right.

Those two are never going to do anything if they're left to their own devices.

I think it's sweet, snuggling-up in a sleeping bag under the stars.

The only heavenly body that Heston is interested in viewing

is the Tembe Nebula.

I will have you know that Dr Carter and myself will be

sleeping in separate rooms in a very reputable bed and breakfast.

And there will be no snuggling.

To suggest anything else only reveals what juvenile

imaginations you both have.

-You're right.

-Very childish.

Our apologies.

Take no notice, Mrs Tembe.

Maybe I should cancel.

No! No, don't you dare!

You've been really looking forward to this.

But I cannot expose Dr Carter to this kind of gossip.

We all need a bit of an adventure sometimes, and who could be a better guide than Heston?

Everyone knows he's the perfect gentleman.

No. You are right.

I should not let their small minds deter me from expanding my horizon.

Right. I've decided. Daniel needs Jimmi.

But does Jimmi need Daniel?

Of course, whether he knows it or not.

It's not something you can force.

Who said anything about force?

But...a gentle nudge to push them together...

Zara.

Somewhere where they can't just turn tail and run.

Right. Remember the drill?

Tent up, beers out, barbie on.

Tent? Barbie?

Earth ground control.

Eh?

You've heard about the meteor shower?

I saw something on the news.

It's a cover.

For...what?

An alien landing.

Oh, this is no good.

I do not think it is wise for us to move again.

The ground is too soft.

I am all twisted around.

I have no idea where we have left the car.

Don't worry. We'll find our way back to the car.

How? It will be dark soon.

Which is why we brought the torches.

You mean the torches we have left in the car?

Which is why Kevin downloaded the torch app for my phone.

Which we have also left in the car.

As well as all our food and provisions.

We'll have to rely on good old-fashioned instinct.

Instinct?

I have the directional skills of a homing pigeon.

This way.

Mrs Tembe!

Look, the only thing I don't get is why would aliens travel

millions of light years to come to the West Midlands?

As soon as the meteors came into satellite range, the signs appeared.

Signs?

Oh! You've...

You've shaved your chest?

I couldn't risk exposing them to human germs, so I underwent deep cleansing.

Dude, you've shaved your 'fro.

Wow! You're really taking this seriously.

What did you use?

A mixture of tea tree oil and that cream girls use on their legs.

See? It's the aliens' home system.

The binary suns and the major planets.

They're not planets. You've had an allergic reaction.

You know, I thought you'd be a bit more grateful.

Grateful?

You're going to be part of history.

-How?

-You're here to here to witness my last day on planet Earth.

-What?

-That's why they're coming here. They're coming for me.

I don't recognise this.

Because we did not come this way.

Right. Well, if the car isn't this way...

STRANGE NOISE

What was that?

Probably just a rabbit.

Back home we would not venture out after dark.

Yes, well, your wildlife has bigger teeth than ours.

Over here you'd probably just be startled by a hedgehog.

It is not the wildlife my countrymen fear.

It is the tokoloshe.

The toko-what?

The tokoloshe.

It is a evil spirit that wanders around on nights like this.

How would I recognise a tokoloshe if I saw one?

It is covered in hair.

It is about the size of a goblin.

It has terrible gouged-out eyes and a lisp.

Sometimes it wears a cloak to cover up its one buttock.

HESTON LAUGHS

No, no, no, no, no! Do not mock the tokoloshe, Dr Carter.

It will bite your toes off as you sleep at night.

Well, we have our own folklore. Spectral hounds, ghosts, ghouls.

All of it complete nonsense.

STRANGE NOISE

No, really. What was that?

Probably a trick of the wind.

No, no, no, no. That was not the wind.

STRANGE NOISE

I think it's getting closer.

Perhaps it is one of your ghouls?

Of course not. But I have no desire to find out.

Mrs Tembe!

Wait! Mrs Tembe!

STRANGE NOISE

Is that the landing strip?

STRANGE NOISE

What's that racket?

Crickets, hissing cockroaches.

People always presume that aliens are humanoid,

but isn't it more likely that they'll resemble the most

numerous life forms on Earth - insects?

What? And you want to swan off into space with a bunch of giant grasshoppers?

Even if I ended up as some exhibit in a galactic zoo,

be a better life than the one I've got here.

All right, Jim. What are you doing here?

I was going to ask you the same thing.

Represent us at the practice.

And score a few Brownie points.

-With Howard?

-Zara.

-Right.

-Where are you going?

Well, I may have to be in the same room as you but I don't have to talk to you.

Ah! Don't worry about it. People get lost round here all the time.

There's no dial tone.

Oh, there were some letters.

Well, perhaps one of your neighbours has a telephone?

No! No, there's no neighbours.

Look, I was just about to eat. You'll join me?

It's only humble fare, but it'll easily stretch to three.

Inside with a stranger, or outside with Lord knows what?

We'd love to. Thank you.

Excellent. I'll er...I'll just finish up in the kitchen.

# Oh, the shark babe, has such teeth, dear

# And it shows them pearly white... #

BANGING

Right, er...toothbrush.

Check.

Clean underwear.

Check.

Essential supplies?

Toilet roll, brown sauce. Check.

Um. How To Care For A Human.

Check.

I thought aliens were supposed to be hyper-intelligent?

Yeah, well, it might take them a while to master English.

THAT is to avoid accidents.

"Humans cannot fly"?

What if you found a tortoise but you'd never seen one before?

How would you know how to look after it? What does it eat? Does its shell come off?

Wow! You have thought a lot about this.

Yeah, well I've never been good at anything.

Never even had a girlfriend.

What about Chloe Sims?

One date, and that was for a dare.

Mum wanted me to join the air force.

Dad wanted a prop forward. Me?

I don't want to be that disappointment any more.

This is my chance to show the world I can do something.

This is my destiny.

Dinner...is served.

Now I apologise for my bruised appearance.

A word of advice.

Never sneak up on a heifer with tender teats.

The bread is home-made. The vegetables are straight from the garden

and the wine is Maison Spennymoor 2010.

A very good year, though I do say so myself.

I'm getting bonfires...damp wood... Blackcurrant?

Elderberry.

Well, it's delicious.

And this...

Well, it's a...speciality of the house.

-Smells wonderful!

-Good.

Amazing!

HE BELCHES

Apologies. I'm...I'm not used to having guests.

Have you lived here long?

Oh, all my life, yeah. There's been a Spennymoor on this land for generations.

I'll be the last cos there's no-one to pass the name on to.

That is a pity.

Well, it wasn't supposed to be like that.

I mean, this house was supposed to be bursting with nippers by now.

Was there once a Mrs Spennymoor?

Very nearly. Clover Weekes was her name.

She was a beauty. Eyes like hazelnuts.

Lips like strawberries. Legs like oaks.

She was Lady Pig Farmer of the Year twice in a row, so...

Was she?

I, er...

I was going to pop the question.

So what happened?

Last I saw of Clover,

she was in the beer tent,

being sweet-talked by a chicken feed merchant from Corby.

No use crying over spilt milk.

I mean, I've got my health, my home, vegetables

and food straight from the garden.

What more could a man want, eh?

That was five-star.

You must give me the recipe.

It's a secret.

My lips are sealed.

All right, since it's you... First, take one badger.

Cut off head and tail and set aside for stock.

Wait. I'm so sorry, one moment there, I thought. I thought you said badger!

-Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right.

-Aren't they a protected species?

Oh, don't worry, it was road kill. Waste not, want not. Now, who's ready for dessert?

-What is it?

-Rhubarb and custard.

You will never guess the secret ingredient.

I do not think so.

I'm rather replete as well.

Yeah, well, I suppose you'll want an early night, pair of love birds like you.

Love birds? But...

Oh, Dr Carter and...well... Heston and I...are well...

we are...yes, we are very much in love.

Yes, we are. We are, we are...we are deeply in love.

-I see.

-Well, I think we had better be going.

Where are you going?

To find the car.

-But you're staying here.

-Oh, thank you, but I do not think...

Look. You'll only get lost again.

If you're sure we're not imposing.

Imposing? Impossible.

Anyway, you will not find a more comfortable bed for miles.

The master bedroom.

HE LAUGHS

And er...this...

..is a family heirloom.

All the Spennymoors were delivered here.

Many's the time I've snuggled in between Mum and Pops.

Still...it's all yours now.

I don't sleep much.

So...!

Pleasant dreams.

Can I just say...

..this has been wonderful.

Yeah.

Oh, Dr Carter, I am so sorry to involve you in my deceit.

It's just that I was a little concerned about Mr Spennymoor's intentions.

Sometimes a little circumvention is necessary.

Yes, but er... we still have a problem.

Easily solved. I will sleep on the floor.

Oh! No, no, no, no.

There...there...there...there is no need.

Not with your back.

There. Now modesty has been preserved.

All I ask is word of this does not get circulated around the staff room.

Your honour is safe with me, Mrs Tembe.

-Come on, mate. Let's call it a night, eh?

-There's still time.

-It's freezing.

-Well, you go. I can't.

We haven't even seen a single meteor.

-There's still time.

-Look, I'm not saying that aliens don't exist, right?

I am saying...that maybe tonight is not the night.

STRANGE NOISE CONTINUES

I told you!

Here! I'm here.

Now do you believe me?

My bag! In the van. Quick.

Hurry, Chris!

Where do you go?

Toby?

Toby?

And through this long, dark night, oh Lord, watch over your humble

servant, and Dr Carter, and deliver us from evil.

-Amen.

-Amen.

I apologise in advance in case I snore, Mrs Tembe.

Oh, no, no, that is fine.

Sometimes, when I am stressed, I grind my teeth.

Right.

-Good night, Dr Carter.

-Good night, Mrs Tembe.

HESTON SNORES

GUNSHOT

Wake up.

GUNSHOT

Morning.

Eh? Ah! Aha! Breakfast?

Um, no, we have to go and get back to work.

Oh.

Didn't mean to upset you.

You OK? Oh...it's...

It's not your problem.

We did not mean to offend you.

You have been so kind to us.

Please, let us repay your kindness.

All these years I've told myself I didn't need anyone else.

But it's all lies.

I can't go on like this, with no-one to talk to but the pigs.

But how do you know that there is not another Clover

waiting for you, out there?

What if there is? How would I meet her?

I have heard that there are dating agencies just for farmers.

-Really?

-You're a very eligible man.

And a talented cook.

-Good sense of humour.

-Good sense of dress.

You're a fine catch.

Should you not be writing this down? For your advertisement.

Yes, yes. I...

How should I start?

Gentleman farmer...

..needs mate.

Must have strong legs and be able to milk a cow.

I must apologise for last night, Dr Carter,

letting silly superstition get the better of me... Oh!

Oh, I remember that branch! The car's this way.

Everything looks better in the daylight.

GROANING

Oh, my goodness!

You waited!

Are you OK?

You speak English.

Have you been here all night, you poor man?

You're not from the Crab Nebula!

No, we are from the Mill Health Centre.

Did you bang your head?

Toby! Mrs Tembe? Dr Carter? What are you...?

Nurse Reid! You came looking for us?

What happened?

I fell down the bank.

For a minute there I actually thought that the...

Are you all right?

They can't leave me.

I'm here. Come back!

Concussion.

Don't we knock any more?

Last night. Great idea. How could it fail?

You were best friends.

-Were.

-Daniel says he wants a fresh start.

And you've fallen for it?

Look, Zara, he knows the words you want to hear, OK.

Maybe he even believes them himself, I don't know, but the truth is, he can't change.

I have to give him a chance.

I don't.

Dinner parties, nights at the pub.

History.

If you let him back in, he will break your heart again.

All that preparation. And then I mess up right at the end.

I wasn't sure if you'd want to see this.

What is it?

It's what's left of a Chinese lantern.

I found it this morning.

You think that's what we saw?

Well, it's a floating bright light.

You must think I'm so gullible.

Eh, mate. We all want to believe in something. Nothing wrong with that.

You can't seriously think you can fool me with that.

It's the oldest trick in the book.

Plant some "evidence" to discredit the truth. Just like Roswell.

I didn't plant it, mate.

You can't stop me.

I'll be back out there tonight, with or without you.

This time I won't miss them.

-Toby. You're not well.

-Goodbye, Chris.

Look, Bigfoot. Little green men.

Whatever, mate, I don't care what you believe in.

But I do care about you.

And I know that I haven't exactly been there for you lately.

So, let me make it up to you.

What? By sticking me in a nuthouse?

Do you really think I'd let that happen?

No.

I just want you to talk to someone who might be able to help you.

Look, no medication, all right. I need my brain sharp.

No-one will make you do anything that you don't want to do.

I promise.

I apologise, Mrs Tembe.

Oh, there is no need.

For putting you through that ordeal.

Well, I did not learn as much about astronomy as I would have hoped,

but as Nurse Marquez says, a little adventure does you the world of good.

Now, what are we going to do with all this food?

Did someone just say the magic word?

Good! You know what they say.

Waste not...

..want not.

THEY LAUGH

What's so funny?

Looks like we got cheese and pickle or cold beef.

Think I'll pass.

Ooh, I've hit gold. Muffin heaven.

So, I was thinking.

That's dangerous.

All the stuff with my aunt.

You've been brilliant and I wanted to say thank you.

-You already have.

-No, not really.

At least let me take you out for dinner.

I don't know, Al.

No strings. No cheese sarnies. I promise.

So...what do you say?

I blacked out. Fell over.

-Are you hurt?

-We discussed it Jas.

-But we disagreed.

-I just come to get cleaned up.

I'm prescribing a deep clean.

It might not make her love me, but

at least she knows now what kind of a man I really am.

Let's talk about this like grown-ups, eh?

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