Give and Take Doctors

BABY CRYING

GRUNTING

Get off me !

Stop! Police! Stop!

PHONE RINGING

'Hiya, you finished for the day?'

Yeah, I'm just on my way home now

and I've had the chief bug hunter on the phone -

we are officially as pest free as they can make us.

Really?! Oh, finally!

So I'm an Angie-free zone? That woman's been doing my head in.

We're going to be back in our own beds again!

Yeah, one we don't have to share with cat fleas.

I should get her some flowers. Hang on, what did you just say?

The exterminator confirmed

that the fleas were most commonly found on cats.

How do they know that?

Because they've got little passports that say, "Meow!" How do I know?

'What I'm trying to figure out is how they got in to the house,

'seeing as you did not let the stray in.'

Well, I might once or twice, when it was raining.

Anyway, I'm really glad you got it sorted. Ah, thank you.

And...?

And you were right.

AND...?

And I was wrong about where they came from,

and I'm really, really sorry.

There you go. All right, speak to you later. Bye.

Doesn't need stitches.

Not leaking any sawdust then!

Take more than this to put me out of action.

I do need to clean it up though.

Do you hurt anywhere else apart from the cut?

Vision's a bit blurry. I'll be fine, it'll clear.

-Well, you just stay sitting.

-I need to get back out on the street.

Trying to make him keep still for five minutes?

-Good luck with that one.

-Brian.

-That was you in the park, was it?

Can't say I'm surprised.

There's no stopping this guy -

fighting crime, saving troubled youths,

raising funds for every good cause going.

Last year it was abseiling

to raise funds for heart disease research, wasn't it?

Down the side of the Bullring. Not very far.

Didn't I sponsor you for something else last week?

-Cycling the Cotswolds for a youth and sports centre.

-Get off me!

-Hope you've been generous?

-Stop pushing me!

I'd better go. Make sure he stays sat.

-At least until I've checked his eyesight.

-I'll be fine.

Use your handcuffs if you have to.

I can't sit here doing nothing.

You could always write up your report.

-Afternoon.

-Hi.

-PHONE RINGING

Sorry, I better get that

-Long day?

-Huh?

You've been running on coffee since you got here.

Are you working for the caffeine police, now as well?

I'm just... I'm just not sleeping that's all. Oh, for...

Dr Haskey, your 4.30 appointment has finally turned up.

They're 20 minutes late. They'll have to make another appointment.

And they have promptly been sick on the doorstep.

Well, you need a mop not a doctor.

I do not think it is prudent to turn them away.

You go, I'll finish here.

-Oh, there we go. Doctor's here now.

-Come on in.

Oh, poor thing, bless.

Hey! I, erm, I meant to ask, how did your stargazing go the other night?

-Oh, well, I, er... I really would not like to discuss it.

-Oh. Why?

Well, it did not go as planned. There was, well, cloud coverage.

Oh, that's a shame. Erm, are they still going on? The showers.

Yes, yes, they will last for another two or three nights

but I do not think Dr Carter or myself

would like to repeat the experience.

No, no, for me and Rob.

I want to say thank you for him sorting out the house.

Oh! Oh, well yes!

You will have to go somewhere where there is no light pollution.

Somewhere where you can see the whole sky.

In the country?

Yes, but you will meet some very strange types.

Oh, just think, the two of us on a blanket,

bottle of bubbly, lovely food.

We could see meteors and fireworks!

Yes, well, as long as I do not have to hear the sordid details!

I want a solicitor, me.

Well, I'm sure there's one on the way.

Ow!

Does it hurt when you breathe in?

-It hurts all the time.

-OK, can you lift your T-shirt up for me, please?

Bit of a cougar?

T-shirt.

-He didn't have to kick me whilst I was on the floor.

-Right.

Take a deep breath.

Have you told PC Miles?

What's the point? They all stick together.

Yeah, well, not always.

I-I don't feel well.

"Letherbridge meteor display - good visibility."

"Rock-it Gazers."

Mrs Hollins, should you not be doing that in your own time?

Uh-uh. Ooh, look, see, here. "Like-minded, watching tonight.

"Clear ground, high up, good turnout, all beginners welcome."

"Always guaranteed of a good display."

"Come whether you're equipped or not."

That's a point. Eh, do you think...

Do you think Heston would lend me a telescope?

These people sound most accommodating. I'm sure.

They are very clearly wanting to share the experience with you.

-Has it got directions?

-Mm, here.

Erm... Ooh, hiya! Don't get too comfy, I've got something planned.

A surprise - you've never seen anything like it.

-How are you feeling now?

-I'm OK. What about the lad?

Well, I don't think he's fit to be questioned yet.

When I think of how hard the kids at the youth centre work to improve their lot and I look at him.

Still, maybe he's never had any support.

-You, OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-All the same, let's get you checked out.

-Really, I'm OK.

Don't argue with the doc.

Can you take a seat in my office for a minute?

I just want to have a quick word with Brian.

What's up?

-Glen Harrow has got significant fresh bruising.

-And...?

He wants to make an official complaint.

Big surprise. They all try and swing that one.

Yeah, I know, but somebody gave him a good kicking.

Des is a decent bloke.

Well, you know him better than I do.

But just because he's a decent bloke,

doesn't mean that he didn't flip.

Nah, I don't buy it, Doc. Not him.

OK. Is your vision still blurred?

Er, more in this one.

Bung us a couple of aspirins and I'll have an early night.

Actually I'm more worried about the lad.

You said he wasn't fit to interview?

You should concentrate on yourself.

I understand you've got to do your job to do but...

he did look a bit banged up before I defended myself.

It's not me you should be telling.

Has your sight improved at all?

Des...?

Worse.

Right, I'm going to send you to St Phil's for some tests.

-I can't do them here.

-What for?

Well, just need to rule a few things out.

-Brian!

-It's a waste of time.

Can you arrange some transport to St Phil's please?

Right. No probs.

No! I don't want to wait round in casualty half the night.

If I'm no better, I'll go in the morning.

Will you stop being a hero for two seconds and listen to Dr Reid?

All right, all right. I'll go...but I'll walk.

I could do with stretching my legs. All right?

-Des!

-I said I'll walk.

-Look, Dr Reid said...

-I need the practise.

-What for cycling the Cotswolds?

-No, no, no, the next project.

I thought walking the Great Wall of China next year,

for the Police Benevolent Fund? Fancy joining me?

No, thanks. Listen, this lad, he's made a formal complaint.

-Said you went in hard, boots first.

-What that I...? No way!

-Let me have a word with him, get it sorted.

-That's a definite no.

-Listen, I know you didn't do it but this is serious.

-I...

I had to get him to the ground to put on the cuffs but that's it.

Well, you have to tread carefully. He'll be with a solicitor by now.

Oh, Brian!

Hospital.

I need a doctor! You out there?

Yeah. I don't feel well!

That is a nice ale.

You usually have to come to somewhere a little bit more select than this

to get something as good as that.

I bow to your superior knowledge.

In this, as in all things.

HE LAUGHS

What's causing the insomnia then? Is it something to do with your aunt?

-I thought this was a no-strings drink?

-Oh, come on.

I'm just not sleeping. It happens.

Mind won't switch off...and if I do drift away I get...uneasy dreams.

Must be something causing it?

I'm in this...situation.

Professional?

Personal?

OK, so it's not something it's someone?

You got a lady and she's keeping you up at night?

Oh, oh! Oh, you have! I'm right! Oh, my God, Haskey scores.

It's not like that but, yeah, there is a girl,

a woman, a lady. Female.

Yeah?

We get along really, really well.

It's early days yet.

-Who is she?

-You don't know her.

She's just like one of the lads, you know.

She loves a pint but... S-She's just, she's really great.

Dark horse, aren't you? So you going out then?

We're keeping cards close to chest, but...yeah, yeah, we are.

That pretend copper, you should see what he did to me.

Well, let's not worry about that now...

Nah, I want a proper lawyer. Not some legal aid spam head.

Hi, this is Glen Harrow.

-19, rib injury, abdominal pain and collapse.

-OK.

-Right. I'll see you later.

-Bye-bye.

So she sends me an email about this other bloke,

claiming that he's a fireman but she'd much prefer doctors

cos we don't tend to get our eyebrows singed off.

True - although Daniel gets his eyebrows waxed. Trade secret.

You'd never know.

No, she sounds great. I'm made up for you.

What did you say her name was?

Jack...kie.

With a C-K, not Q-U.

Jas?

Hi.

-I'm just looking for Kevin, you've not seen him, have you?

-No?

Oh, he said he'd stand me dinner.

Well, I could eat something.

Er...well.

Yeah, you could join us.

Al could do with some dating advice,

-be good to get a woman's perspective?

-He's joking.

-Really?

-No, I'm not, her name's Jackie. She was a secret girlfriend.

-Well, she WAS secret.

-You've got a girlfriend?

She really goes for men with eyebrows, doesn't she?

Right, so, it's my round. What are you going to have?

Oh, dry white, thanks. So you're a sly one?

Come on, spill.

How do I begin?

We're here. Here!

Finally, can I take this off yet?

Oh, go on then. Next time I'm going to use a gag as well,

the amount of complaining you do.

And the surprise is...we're lost?!

No? You've got me a new sat nav and we're going to use it to get home?

-Guess again.

-You've murdered Angie and we're going to bury her.

-Rob!

-Only joking.

You've murdered Mrs Tembe.

-Evening.

-I'd almost given up on you.

I had to bring Glen Harrow in.

-How are you?

-Still breathing.

-Any news?

-Let's not make something out of nothing.

-Here we go.

Told me I've got a lesion on my optic nerve.

Might be a tumour.

-Well, you seem to be taking it very well.

-What can you do?

One more challenge to face. Got to be fighting fit for our one.

-What's this?

-Brian's joining me on walking the Great Wall of China.

-In an eye patch, if need be.

-Really?

Can't you give him something? Bromide in his tea, or whatever?

I'm afraid that'll just make him more focused, if anything.

What's the word on Glen Harrow?

You don't need to think about him right now.

They're just checking. We'll find out soon.

Can I have a quick word?

Glen Harrow collapsed, it could be anything -

cracked rib, punctured lung, damaged spleen -

but this isn't just about Des, now he's talking about suing...

and if the defence make a case on excessive force then...

Des was only doing his job

and now the boss wants in on it, so there'll be an inquiry...

Given the medical evidence, there'll have to be one.

-PHONE RINGING

-Hang on.

Steve? What's the word?

Really?

Reliable? Thanks for that.

Well, what do you know?

Harrow was seen scrapping with someone else in the park earlier.

Taking a right kicking, apparently.

When are these meteors supposed to start showing up?

I don't know. Mrs Tembe said something about the earth revolving into their path.

If I'd known, I'd have dug me old binoculars out.

Oh I'm sure somebody'll lend us some.

They're ever so friendly on the website.

So...if Mrs Tembe suggested this,

I suppose there's some kind of fancy picnic to go with it?

Well...

..from the deli counter, please note, not the chiller cabinet.

Nice.

Wait till you try it with these...

and all washed down with your favourite real ale - I'm driving.

Perfect. Thanks, love.

I know my man.

Why is nobody else getting out of their cars?

Probably waiting for it to start.

Go on, have a sausage roll.

-Where you going?

-I'm going to see if there's anybody else over there.

Well, this is where they said to park.

Yeah, but they might be setting up the telescopes.

I'm going to have a quick shufty.

Hiya, guys.

Karen?

Oh, hello. Nice night for it.

Rude!

Excuse me, do you know what's going on?

On the message board they said we didn't need to bring a telescope.

That's not a telescope!

Rob! Rob!

Get in the car, quick - and forget about the food!

Have you got any idea where you've brought us?

He's wearing a mask - are they Devil worshippers!

It's a dogging site, you fool! Now get in before... SIRENS WAILING

-Eh!

-It's all right. OK. It's all right.

What do you want?

-If you've come to gloat, you'll be laughing on the other side of your face soon.

-Nothing of the sort.

-I'm here to say thanks.

-You what?

They found something they might not have.

If it hadn't been for you clocking me one over the head, who knows?

Your word against mine...

as long as they keep you alive for a court case.

They reckon I need an op, I'm getting worse...

-Your fault, Des.

-Hang on, we both know I didn't use that much force.

You'll still be in the dock yourself, regardless.

Sad, isn't it?

No-one really wins in a case like this.

-Life's too short.

-Yours is.

Maybe we should talk it through with the police?

You've got to see the sense in that?

I think you're a bright lad, considering.

What, you nearly died and now you see the good in everything?

No, no, you are a bright lad.

It took imagination to come up with that abandoned baby thing.

You're impressed by my mugging skills?

I'm saying you've got a brain, how about using it to do some good?

It didn't take that much to come up with the idea.

Plus...

that happened to me.

What did?

Abandoned when I was a baby, left outside a hospital in a blanket,

taken into care, treated like a dog that no-one wanted.

I learned summat from life -

take what you can, no-one's going to give it you.

I'm sorry.

Ha, I'll remember that one!

What do you mean?

What? Seriously? You believed me?

You muppet.

Maybe the judge'll fall for that n'all.

-Why are you doing this?

-Ka-ching.

-Have you got any redeeming qualities?

Don't try and appeal to my better side, there isn't one.

You could make something of your life, live with dignity,

-voluntary work, helping folk worse off than yourself.

-Like you?

You think being good'll win the day, give your life meaning?

Do you think you're worth more than me cos you're nice?

You're nothing.

-You're wrong.

-No.

You think you're doing right,

but you're only making yourself feel better, mate, there's no difference.

Not my problem you've wasted all your life trying to be a big shot.

Look at you, lonely old sod.

Ah!

GROWLS: You put me through a court case,

you'd better pray whatever I've got finishes me off...

otherwise I'll be waiting for you and I'll have nothing to lose.

And if you think this is painful? You wait. You've got no idea.

Des, you shouldn't be in here.

No, I just wanted to see how he was doing.

Nah! Get him out of here he was just trying to kill me!

The way he gave you all those injuries?

We know about the other fight.

Look, if you'd a just come in then, he was losing his nut!

And where were you?

All right, I admit...

I owed money and got done over this morning,

but that's no excuse for him just going off his nut.

I'm not listening, mate, why should we believe you?

So, have you got any pet names?

Are you going to be "babe-ing" her a lot?

I thought I'd take the, "Yo, Mamma," approach.

To babes and mammas - and Al and Jackie.

Al and Jackie.

-Wonder what happened to Kevin?

-Who cares.

So, let's get serious for a moment.

We're both happy for you and Jackie's a very lovely girl.

-With an eyebrow fetish.

-With an eyebrow fetish!

An eyebrow fetish!

Which is fortunate because I can send messages with mine.

Here's one coming in...

"Jimmi...it's your round."

I don't get it!

No, but, come on, there's one thing that we really want to know.

Is she better than me at darts?

Cos if she thinks she is, you can tell her from me...

it's on, biatch!

I'm going to get some drinks.

Seriously, it's...it's really great that you've got someone

and, erm, I'm sorry for blowing out dinner with you the other night.

-Oh...

-No, no.

Seriously, I am up to here in wrong. So...I'm sorry.

I thought it was a come on, but it was just mates having dinner, wasn't it?

So, darts later?

Well, you could certainly use the practise.

Cheeky!

I shouldn't have gone there, I know.

You'll have to tell the boss, along with everything else.

Tell him what? His story doesn't add up, mate!

That I lost it just then. He really got to me.

-Oh, I'll just have to face up to it in court.

-I didn't see anything.

-You did.

-All I saw was a good man having a bad day...

Whatever happened, I'm sure you didn't mean it.

But I did mean it, I was furious, he wound me up!

-And he made me realise...

-What?

What's it all for? What am I really doing?

I've never hurt anyone in my life and now this?

I'm not the person people think I am...

and all the good I've done?

Yeah, he's right...

it's worth nothing.

Yeah, yeah.

It was the wife's idea of a treat,

you know, she wanted to surprise me with a meteor shower.

Yes, a real meteor shower.

This better be a wind-up!

That's not some pervy code for what doggers get up to.

I didn't even know where we were going, I was blindfolded.

-INTERVIEWERS LAUGH

-No, no, that doesn't sound right.

I was wanting to show my hard-working husband

how much I love him in a nice, clean, non-dogging way...

As I've said, it was Karen's idea.

..with a pork pie and a pickled onion

and, no, that's not some pervy code either.

Some of her mates from work had done it a few nights ago...

the stargazing thing.

I have told you, it was my idea.

So, if you want to arrest anybody, it should be me.

It's not like you caught me with my trousers down or anything.

And if I have to hear one more joke about seeing a full moon or Uranus,

you'll be adding assault to the charge sheet.

But you've made such a difference?

I appreciate that but...

Ignore that scrote Harrow. You can't help everyone.

-I know that...

-Look, you can't let people like that stop you doing

the good work you've done to make other people's lives better.

Yeah, but what if I am doing it to make my life less empty?

What if is about me and not them?

Brian, you're always telling me, what about MY life?

Yeah, what about it?

Well, perhaps, perhaps I should retire.

-I don't know how long I've got now.

-None of us know that!

Right, I'm going to get this surgery or whatever sorted...

and then I'm going to live life for myself.

I'll honour my commitments but after that...

-I think you've earned it.

-So do I.

So, no Great Wall of China.

Just, head off, follow the sun, go where I want.

Right then...how about a boozy weekend in Barcelona?

-On me. Any takers?

-Well...

-I'll take that as a yes and you're my witness.

-Fair enough.

-I am so sorry.

-Let's just go.

You wait until I get my hands on Mrs Tembe.

You want Mrs Tembe to find out about what happened tonight?

No.

-Karen?

-Oh, flaming Ada. Hi!

Bit late to be calling in on Rob, isn't it? Evening, Rob.

Yeah, no, well, erm...what it was,

was I thought I heard a noise, in the back garden, didn't I?

Well, was it, a burglar or something?

-We don't know but once you've made the call...

-Absolutely.

-Well, I'm sure it was nothing.

-That's right. Come on.

Probably just a neighbour's dog got loose

-and was rummaging around in the bushes.

-Leave it. She knows.

I'm sure he's in the doghouse for it now.

BARKING

Head held high. Smile.

BARKING AND HOWLING

-Aargh!

-Ow!

Why don't you stay at my place? Take your mind off things.

From the symptoms you're describing,

it sounds as if you could be pregnant.

I'll get the other bags.

Are you moving in?

-I just want you to stop lying to me.

-I will, I promise.

Right. That's it!

See, I don't mind your fancy food but don't talk during my soap!

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