Life and Soul Doctors

Well, look who's up.

I wasn't expecting to see him till noon.

I wanted to say goodbye to Dad. Hong Kong, right?

Four o'clock.

OK.

But you can say bon voyage later.

We've decided to take you to lunch.

What?

To celebrate your exam results.

You don't have to do that.

We took Max to lunch, didn't we?

Yeah, he got a first.

Well, we'll drink slightly less champagne

if it makes you feel any better.

Anyway, you know you shouldn't compare yourself to Max, darling.

He was born gifted. That doesn't make you any less special.

Actually, it does.

We are taking our youngest son to lunch to celebrate

the completion of his degree.

Our son can protest all he wants but our son will attend.

Think we're going to have enough?

Relax. I can always make more.

I don't know why you keep doubting me, to be honest.

What you doing?

Well, you don't keep the stash out in the open, do you?

We'll get ripped off.

And, right, I don't know why they have to be two pages long.

Look, I have to be thorough.

Well, no. You're going to scare 'em.

They're skint students. They'll do it for the discount.

If you say so.

OK. Let's get it all "pro-fesh". You know what I mean?

FINN LAUGHS

OK.

So now what?

Now?

Now, we wait.

KNOCK AT DOOR This just came for you.

Hey! Nice.

What is it?

Check it out.

What do you think?

Just had 'em printed.

Yeah, it's nice.

"Heart palpitations, shortness of breath, grinding of teeth,

"blurred vision."

Wow. Sounds like a fun night out.

Yeah.

Had one or two students come in yesterday having taken it.

See, the problem is they think it's safe cos it's legal.

We need to warn as many people as possible.

Right, well, I can help you put some of these up.

Well, actually, I was meaning to ask you to do something for me.

I know you're doing the lunchtime slot at campus radio.

I was wondering...

I know it's short notice and you've got nothing prepared

-but I was wondering...

-Yup, I'll do it. No problem.

Nice one.

THEY RING DOORBELL

You all right, lads?

Right. So, 20 quid a bag. That's four pills.

What you saying?

Can I interest you guys in a 50% discount, hmm?

You just answer a few questions about quack. It's nothing dodgy.

Just... It's new to the market

and I'm conducting a study for my coursework.

Look, it's completely anonymous.

All's you got to do is fill one of these out and bring it back.

Lads.

-Nah, mate.

-No?

50%!

-Hey.

-Hey, mate.

Have you, err...got any, err... quack quack?

-One bag?

-Yeah, cheers.

-Oh! Did you fill out your questionnaire?

-Um, yeah.

Sweet! OK, nice.

Sorry, it's got a bit of jam on it.

That's all right. OK, nice.

-Wait. You missed out the last page.

-Did I?

-Yeah.

-Oh, bummer!

-Umm... do I still get a discount or...

I tell you what.

Answer a few questions right now and you get that one for free.

-Yeah? Cool.

-Yeah? Right.

OK. Sorry, let me get this.

Right.

Can you describe your reaction to the drugs so far?

Don't leave anything out.

Umm, makes me feel pretty good, I guess.

How d'you mean by good? Be specific.

I don't know, just, umm... really in control and focused.

-OK.

-Like I'm capable of anything.

What about negative effects? Anything to be concerned about?

Yeah. It wears off.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah. "Wears..."

You're here with Ash Malakar at Letherbridge University Radio.

We've all had annoying flatmates, haven't we?

The ones who leave just one square of loo roll the morning after

a Vindaloo.

Or use your favourite mug as an ashtray.

Well, for those of you lucky enough to be moving out or graduating,

I suggest you leave them a gift they'll never forget.

You scout around all the hidden nooks and crannies you can

find, behind the radiators, inside the light fittings.

And then you open up a can of tuna and hey presto!

It's the gift that just keeps whiffing! Ooh!

That's right. You heard it from me here first, peeps.

It's time for another tune!

MUSIC: "Gangnam Style" by PSY

Hi, I'm Chris.

-Ash, Media Studies.

-Is...is Antonia around?

Antonia's gone. I'm in charge now.

Oh. She didn't say.

You're here for the medical phone-in, right? That sounds...

Nah, I'm only kidding!

But seriously, it's not as dull as it sounds, is it?

Don't get me wrong. I'm going to keep your show on the air,

just as long as it's fun,

cos that's what Letherbridge Uni's all about. Agreed?

Good. Glad we're on the same page!

# Woop, woop, Gangnam Style!

# Ooh, sexy lady, woop, woop... #

You all right, mate?

I'm a doctor. Are you all right?

-Look, I'm fine. It's OK.

-Well, you don't look fine.

Look, I'm fine. It's nothing, really.

Look, sorry to have to ask, but have you taken something?

-No, of course not.

-I'm not here to judge.

Look, I've got asthma. I just forgot my inhaler, all right?

Right, sorry. Well, the campus surgery's just over there.

How about I take you over, we'll check you out, just to make sure...

-No, thanks. Look, I've got somewhere to be.

-Please, two minutes. Please.

There you go. That is awesome. You get the gist, yeah?

Yup, OK. Thanks very much.

Fantastic. Well, thank you.

All right. See you later.

And that's five to sign up so far.

Well, you'll get more. Don't worry about it.

Yeah, well, if I don't get enough, then the whole thing's pointless, isn't it?

-What?

-Ah, man.

You've heard what everyone's been saying. It sharpens the mind,

enhances performance. I mean, the possibilities could be endless.

Am I the only one that can see that?

No. Look, I... I know you want results.

But why get so wound up about it?

Because!

Because this is what's going to put me on the map, that's why.

What? How?

Well, you're hardly curing cancer, are you?

You don't get it, do you?

Me.

I'm ten times smarter than all the rest of these trust fund idiots

around here put together and this is my chance, man, to prove it.

-Was that a pop at me?

-What?

No! I'm just saying. I can make my own way.

I'm not... I don't know, rely on charity for the rest of my life,

-that's for sure.

-Bully you, mate.

-Oh!

Better?

Yeah. Thanks. Sorry for all the trouble.

No trouble.

Anyway, I'll... I'll let you get back to your real patients.

No, no. Just sit for a minute.

So you're a student here?

Was. Just graduated.

In?

-Engineering.

-Hey! Congratulations.

Well, I can write you a new prescription if you want.

Which inhaler do you use? Reliever? Preventor? Both?

I don't need an inhaler. Probably just a panic attack.

I used to get them all the time when I was a kid, so...

I see.

Little bit stressed out.

Anything you want to talk about?

Mate, anything you say to me will be confidential.

I told you I just graduated.

That's a lie.

Been lying to everyone.

I failed my degree.

So, Chris, while we've got a few minutes,

-do you want to give us a quick rundown of your show?

-Yeah.

Well, it's a phone-in show,

and students call in with medical questions

and I try my best to answer them.

So, what are you going to talk about?

Well, that depends on what they call in about.

But, since you ask, there is

something that I would really like to raise awareness...

Hold on! Can I just stop you there one sec?

Is that your normal speaking voice, mate?

-Excuse me?

-No offence, but it sounds a bit Brummie.

Can't you jazz it up a bit?

-"Jazz"?

-You know. Give it a bit of zing. So you were saying,

BRUMMIE ACCENT: "I want to raise awareness, blah, blah, blah."

But what you want to say is, "I want to raise awareness!"

Well, I'm not on air yet.

Good job, too.

So, you were saying, you want to raise awareness for?

It's called quack.

Quack? Oh, please tell me it's some form of crotch rot!

"Ooh, doctor! I've got a scorching case of the quack! Ahh!"

It's a legal drug the students have been taking.

Never heard of it.

Well, that's my point. Not a lot of people have,

and we're afraid that it could be very dangerous.

Dangerously dull, more like it.

It could be lethal, OK?

And is it not our job to warn people of the risks?

No. It's our job to entertain them.

So, why don't you stick to fun stuff like falling down the stairs

after a night out or getting your giblets caught in your flies?

You don't want to scare 'em with some public health announcement.

This isn't the BBC!

Fine. Yeah, OK.

I'll... I will talk about whatever the callers want to discuss.

Good man. Look, I'm going to go vet the calls before I put 'em through.

You work on that voice.

MOBILE RINGS

Hiya, Chris.

'What's wrong? I thought you were supposed to be on air.'

Yeah. Yeah, I am. I've only got a few seconds, so I need to be quick.

'I need you to do me a favour.'

I guess I'm just not very bright.

I'm sure that's not true.

When I was at school, my mum always had to help me with my homework.

-That's what mums do.

-Yeah, but she never helped my brother.

It's like he'd get straight As without even trying.

Well, we're all different.

Yeah. We're different all right.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

Re-sit in August.

Hopefully, they won't find out.

They're taking me to lunch to celebrate.

I told them I got a 2:1.

I mean, how am I supposed to sit there and just...

Mate, just tell them the truth.

It's better than living the lie for the next few months.

Is your mum proud of you?

Silly question! You're a doctor.

Mate, we all disappoint our parents sometimes.

They get over it.

Anyway, look, I'd better be going.

I don't want to be late on top of it all.

-Are you sure you're going to be OK?

-Yeah. They'll be fine.

They always are.

Yes, and if you could put a half bottle of Muscat on that.

-Thank you.

-So do you want to get anything from Duty Free?

-Marc Jacobs perfume.

-Oh, the perfume!

Hello, hello!

-What?

-We knew you'd be late.

Just five past.

Even so, we took the precaution of ordering for you.

-Sorry.

-Darling, we just didn't want to have to rush.

And the traffic to the airport might be bad. But anyway,

now that the guest of honour has arrived,

We'd like to say how proud of you we are.

We know how hard you've had to work these past three years.

So congratulations. You've earned a well-deserved break from your books.

Don't encourage him!

And we know the next chapter of your life will bring you all

the happiness and success you deserve.

-So, to Edward.

-Edward.

-Thank you.

Cheers.

'Is it normal to think about sex 24/7?'

Umm... Well, that depends. Can you elaborate?

'Well, when I'm not getting my leg over,

'I'm thinking about the last time I did.

'And when I think about it, I have to...

'do something about it, if you catch my drift.

'Sometimes three, four times a day.'

Well, if your behaviour is...

umm...interfering in your studies or your ability to form healthy

relationships, then it is possible you that you have some

sort of sex addiction. And if that is the case, then you have taken

a very brave step in talking openly about it today.

And I would suggest the next step would be just to go speak

to your GP.

And you may find some form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy

helpful in helping you control your behaviour.

So good luck, and thank you for calling

Nurse Chris on Letherbridge University Radio.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, you're on air. Who am I speaking to?

'Err, it's Mindy.'

Hello, Mindy. What can I help you with?

'Hiya, Chris. Umm... Love the show!'

Basically, right, I like going to student parties and stuff,

'and especially seeing as it's the end of term,

'they're practically every night.'

Mm hmm.

And the thing is, you love having fun drinking and stuff,

but you don't always want the hangover to show for it.

Good point.

'Anyway, there's this new stuff going round campus.

'Apparently, it's like'

totally legal and gives you a really nice buzz.

I don't know if you've heard of it.

'It's called quack.'

-Max called earlier. He's sorry he couldn't be here.

-How is he?

Busy. The Crawford case seems to have taken over his life.

Not surprised! It's a litigational nightmare.

Well, if I was in the dock, I'd want Max fighting my corner.

He's a better barrister than we'll ever be.

Speak for yourself! I've taught him everything he knows.

Actually, Max had an announcement of his own.

They've offered him a permanent position.

He's only been there three months!

Well, it just goes to show what brainy boys we have.

That's splendid news! I'll give him a ring from the airport.

'Well, quack is basically'

an artificially constructed chemical compound,

some of which have been used as plant fertilisers.

Exactly. But that's the reason why it's still legal.

Umm... The truth is we don't yet know

what damage this stuff can do to the body, but we've had some

students come into the campus surgery recently, umm...

that have all been suffering from very nasty side effects

from using quack.

'It can cause heart palpitations, insomnia,

-'loss of short-term memory, vertigo...'

-Are you hearing this?

'...sickness, grinding of teeth, sweating and blur...'

Don't worry about it. They're just scare tactics.

He said people have been getting sick.

Please! We had a couple of students come in feeling dodgy yesterday.

I was there. Was no big deal.

Look, they probably took too many pills, all right?

We can't be responsible for people being idiots, can we?

Well, I've heard they've got posters up all over Uni saying this

stuff is dangerous.

I...

I just think we should hold fire.

Until we know for sure.

OK. Could take months to get a definitive answer.

And by then, they'll probably just make it illegal anyway.

I mean, look how they are with cannabis, even though

the benefits far outweigh the harm.

But if you want to stop selling, mate...

DOORBELL RINGS

Edward, what are you doing?

-Are you all right? You look a little off colour.

-I'm fine.

Look at you! You're sweating.

-Perhaps it was the fish.

-I don't see how. He barely touched it.

I think I'm just going to go to the gents.

-Look, I'll come with you.

-No, Dad! Look, really.

I think I'm all right to pee by myself.

Liar!

What did you say?

'Liar!'

'Liar!'

'Liar!'

HE PANTS HEAVILY

Hi, is Dr Tyler there? I need to speak to him.

Yeah, can you please hurry?

PHONE RINGS

Dr Tyler?

Hi, it's me, Edward Holmes.

Are you all right, mate? What's up?

Look, I think it's happening again. I can't breathe.

OK, mate. Yes, you can.

'It's just a panic attack.'

No, look...

No, just listen to me. Focus on your breathing.

BREATHES HEAVILY

-'You were right. I've taken something.'

-What did you take?

Look, quack. Look, I know that I've screwed up. I...

'I just needed...'

Edward, OK. Where are you?

I don't know. In some French restaurant. Umm... Sav something.

CRIES OUT IN PAIN

Edward?

Emma? Emma?

What's wrong?

French restaurant in...in Letherbridge, umm, Sav something.

Sav? Umm...

Quickly! I think a patient's in trouble.

Sav...Savoureax? It's...it's on the high street.

OK, thanks.

Look, when you're a student,

it's natural to want to try out new things.

But if you don't know what you're taking,

or where it came from, there is a possibility that you could be

risking your health. And, you know, for what?

Just a few hours' fun?

Right, I think we can all safely say, yeah,

if you want to have a good time at your next student party,

don't invite Nurse Chris! Right, girls?

-What d'you think you're doing?

-What I should have done in the first place.

You have no right to interrupt my show.

Well, guess what? It's not your show any more.

-Bye-bye.

-What?

Get your stuff, pack it up and get out. Now!

I've got work to do.

-Thank you.

-Maybe you should go and look for him.

-He's been in there a long time.

-Yes, all right, all right.

-Edward?

-I can't breathe.

Edward?

What's wrong?

Well, God! Don't just stand there!

Call an ambulance!

HE GASPS FOR BREATH

Let me through, please!

Who are you?

Dr Tyler. I'm Edward's doctor. He told me he's taken something.

-What do you mean? Taken what?

-I'm sorry, Mum. I'm so sorry.

Don't talk. It'll be all right.

HE CHOKES

Oh, my God! What's happening?

I think he's arrested.

-Help him!

-Make some space!

Come on. Come on, Edward! Don't do this.

Breathe.

Come on, Edward.

Cubicle two!

He's going to be all right. He's going to be looked after.

It's OK. It's going to be OK. Don't worry.

Please! He's going to be all right.

Come on.

PHONE RINGS

Letherbridge Uni Radio, Ash speaking?

Well, I would've liked to have said it was nice to know you.

Chris no longer works here, no.

Who is it?

Someone called Mandy.

Funny thing is, she sounds a lot like your last caller. Mindy, was it?

Just...just give me the phone.

Look, if yous two are such good friends,

I suggest you catch up in your own time.

What?

Mandy, it's Chris. What's happened?

'And this is a special broadcast to announce that a student

'from Letherbridge University died less than half an hour ago.

'I'm told he collapsed in a local restaurant.'

Then he was rushed to St Phil's Hospital, and despite every

effort to revive him, he never regained consciousness.

'There still needs to be a post-mortem to discover the exact

'cause of death, but we have strong evidence to suggest he'd

'taken the drug commonly known as quack.

'A young life cut short is always a tragedy.

'But the thought it could possibly have been prevented is

'the hardest thing of all.

'If this student's death can prevent just one more

'person from dying, then perhaps some good can come from this.'

Can I interest you in a discount? Half price?

Mr and Mrs Holmes, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

And that...

if there's anything I can do to help...

You knew he'd been taking those drugs, didn't you?

I suspected, but he denied it.

He just said that he was stressed.

And you believed him?

I did because that part was true.

-So you're saying it's our fault?

-No, not at all.

He failed his degree and then he lied about it.

Of course he was stressed.

-So he told you, then?

-No. We knew already.

We're friends with the Dean. We probably knew before Edward did.

So then why celebrate?

Because we wanted to give him the chance to tell us himself.

Was that so terrible?

No.

What kind of a doctor are you?

He was taking that poison and you did nothing.

And now he's dead!

All right, all right. It's all right.

SHE SOBS LOUDLY

I'm sorry.

What if the other students get sick?

-We don't know if it was the quack.

-Of course it was!

Well, if that were true, people'd be dropping like flies, wouldn't they?

He probably had some underlying medical condition. Right, look.

Either way, it's even more reason for us

to know everything we can about this drug.

Is that all you care about?

A guy died because of us!

No!

No, Finn, we don't know that.

-What are you doing?

-What do you think? I'm going to flush them.

-You can't.

-If they trace them back to us, we can go to jail.

We're not breaking any laws, Finn, all right?

We're conducting research!

-Get out of my way.

-I can't do that, mate.

Right, well, if that's the way you want to play it!

No!

You sit down!

It's over.

-So are you still going to send it there?

-Well, I might do.

Mind you, they might just pick it up.

Oh, Kevin, we're so sorry.

It's awful what happened.

Are you OK?

I'm fine.

We can go for a drink after work, have a chat if you want.

I said I'm fine.

Why young people take stuff they know nothing about is

-completely beyond me.

-It gives them a buzz.

So does sticking your finger in a light socket.

It's Lily's birthday tomorrow.

She'll be one.

And it breaks my heart to know that she's in there,

knowing that I can't see her.

Jas, have you changed your locks yet?

Not this again. They're not broken!

Yeah, but someone else might have a key.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd