Thrills, Pills and Bellyaches... Doctors

Is that what I think it is?

Yep.

So, it's four for a tenner,

and you're going to cut me the shortfall, yeah?

Don't mess me around, mate.

-I have to know what I'm doing here. We shook on it.

-Yeah, I know but...

-Man, it says it's toxic.

-It's just to cover themselves.

This is good stuff.

Yeah, well you would say that - you're not the one losing money, are you?

Yeah, well, I'm going to be loaded either way.

But, what if this does become the next best happy pill on the market...

and you miss out?

Yeah, yeah. Get off me!

All right, see you later.

'Separate the yolk from the white, tipping back and forth

'from shell to shell.'

Oh. Easy!

'Now add four yolks in the same way to your caster sugar...'

Four? Oh!

'..and whisk thoroughly till blended.'

Oh!

-Oh, damn it!

-'Now pour the egg mixture into the milk and whisk well.'

Oh! Oh, shut up, you old bag!

Oh, looks like it's going to be a busy morning.

Yes, I've had to start taking appointments for next week already.

-Excellent news.

-Better busy than bored, as I always say.

I should think so too, Dr Tyler.

"The Lord is your shade on your right hand."

Psalm 121, Verse five.

I picked it up in a charity shop.

It reminded me of something I possessed as a child.

A little childhood comfort is always welcome.

You can't do that in here.

Excuse me?

This practice is secularist. He is going to drive people away.

Oh, that's nonsense. It's just a personal trinket.

Yeah, in a professional environment.

-Dr Haskey, do not question my professionalism.

-I'm not.

I'm simply stating that this practice is not affiliated

to any belief system other than Hippocratic Oath

and the wonders of medical science.

Come on, it's not doing... Howard?

Well, Dr Haskey has a point.

Well, how about you move it to a place less on show?

That is agreeable.

Yeah, but he's still there.

It's called a compromise.

It's called a slippery slope!

Good morning, Yvonne.

Hi, Paul.

Funny weather for the time of year.

Stupid man!

Please, do not block the entrance! Thank you.

Mrs Tembe, all this for the echo scan?

Yes, yes. Mostly. But there are too many all at once.

I think Dr Tyler underestimated how long it would take for each test.

Well, teething problems. Never mind, Mrs Tembe, easily solved.

-Yes, but what am I supposed to do...?

-Excuse me!

Oh, Mrs Cummings! Please!

Will you not block the entrance?!

Are you here for...for a...a...a...an echo scan?

No! BP check-up. 9:45, Dr Reid.

Right, but this is not your normal slot.

I have all the time in the world now. Finally retired!

Hey, flower, this isn't happy hour at your local. Shift!

Er, move! Move, move, move, move!

I am sorry - I'm sure the gentleman didn't mean to get in your way.

It's just that we're a little cramped this morning.

And whose fault is that?

Dr Reid is in, er...in room one.

I'll go and sit outside, it'll be easier that...

I'm afraid you will have to go round.

It's easier this way.

I have to insist.

You can insist all you like, but I'm going this way.

And I cannot allow that.

Really? You can't? Not even once?

Everything all right, ladies?

Yes. Mrs Cummings...Mrs Cummings!

Hush, woman!

It's not prayers we need, Mrs Tembe, it's a better queuing system.

Please don't make me do this.

We have to.

But my head's still crawling. Is yours?

-We should cancel.

-We can't. It has to be today.

They'll be able to tell, though.

-Do I look weird?

-Only when you do that!

Oh, I can't do this.

They won't take us unless we've been jabbed - it voids insurance.

You don't want to drop out, do you?

Right, well just stick with me and I'll do the talking.

Come on! It'll be fine.

What time do you call this?

Easy time. Students are never out of bed before nine.

And, end of term bash last night

so we should expect some no-shows today.

Excellent. It'll give me a chance to catch up on some paperwork.

Can I help you?

Mark Lewington, Oscar Widdowson, for vaccination shots.

Won't take us without them.

It's a requirement. We're off to South America doing volunteer work.

Wow, that sounds great.

I wish I'd done more stuff like that when I was a student.

So are you going to go trekking? Machu Picchu.

Bless you.

Machu Picchu.

No. It's Ecuador. We're flying tomorrow.

Tomorrow? You've left it a bit late, haven't you?

Better late than never.

I'm going to be doing the injections today.

We're on minimal staff as it's end of term. So, who's first?

Come on, then.

Please.

Excuse me.

OK, OK! I'm going - look.

That's more like it.

I have asked some of the patients to come back in 15 minutes

and I have adjusted the echo slots accordingly.

Ah, very good, Mrs Tembe.

The echo machine has been a great success.

Whatever are you planning next, Mr Bellamy?

Yes, Howard, what is next? MRI scans?

Or world peace?

I would not put it past him, Dr Reid.

Neither would I.

PHONE RINGS

Yes? Oh, of course, Dr Carter.

Oh, no. No, no, no - it has gone!

What has?

Oh!

My little Jesus.

You should visit the Galapagos Islands while you're there.

Apparently, they are well worth the detour.

Mmmm. Is this leather?

It feels really strange.

But then again, leather is skin, isn't it?

I'm lying on something's skin. That's weird.

Whoa! That looks serious!

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me.

Karen. Talk to me.

You all right there, matey?

This is gruesome, man.

Do you have to look at this all day?

Can't look at this.

A mental health problem, maybe?

Well, if it is, they've both got one.

I've got laughing boy in there talking complete nonsense.

I think they're on something.

Come on then, space cadet.

Sit down.

Look, I was a student once.

I went to all-night raves and that. I know what I'm talking about.

So why don't you come clean and tell me what you're on?

How dare you? Why do you think we're "on" something?

Because of the way you're "acting" and talking.

-Told you we shouldn't have come.

-Shut up.

Look, it's just the injections. He doesn't like them.

Don't tell him that! Why did you tell him that?

You know, don't you? He knows.

So you have taken something?

I can't...can't breathe.

Just sit down and calm down, take deep breaths.

Stop freaking out. Look it's...it's needle phobia.

Stop saying that. I'm dying.

My heart's not right. I can't breathe.

You're not dying. You're having a panic attack, you need to lie down.

Move, R-Patz!

My body's shutting down.

Students!

Well, I know that God is omnipresent

but I don't expect to find Jesus lurking under the reception desk.

This is not amusing for me, Dr Reid.

It must be somewhere!

My notebook's gone missing now too.

And now I'm never going to know when my hair appointment is.

Are you sure you haven't popped it somewhere?

I have not popped it anywhere.

Nor has it gone walkabout. No, someone has taken it. Out of spite.

And I think I know who.

I can't believe you would even think that.

You made your feelings very plain, Dr Haskey.

Well, it doesn't mean I'm going to steal it.

-I did not say "steal", I said "removed".

-Same thing.

Look, I may be an atheist but it doesn't mean I'm amoral.

A chap can take offence at that kind of accusation.

You were the only one complaining.

Who else would stea...remove it?

What about that patient, the rude woman? She's got motive!

What?

He seems to have stopped dying now, Doctor, so if we could just get our jabs and go, yeah?

Great. Look, I've got to go.

Dr Haskey? Dr Haskey!

< Haskey!

Now what?

I think we've got another one.

He's here for an asthma clinic, which should've started 20 minutes ago.

All right, just call the Mill, see if we can get some extra help.

I'll deal with Cheech and Chong.

Insert autosum there,

and it adds up the amounts in the column there, see?

HE SIGHS

I think I get it now.

Look on the bright side, it'll look good on the CV.

Believe me, every little helps.

It took me 18 months to secure a GP position.

And Liam's got an even harder slog if he wants to be a surgeon.

-Oh, no pressure then.

-Well, actually...

Dogged determination - that's all it takes.

And just the small matter of passing my med exams first.

And you will, I have every confidence.

Well, if you're going to outshine the Oxbridge

lot to a surgeon's post,

you're going to need every something extra you can get.

-So, next column.

-OK.

Yvonne Cummings? You don't seriously believe she took it, do you?

She had motive, she had opportunity.

But you can't just ring her up and accuse her...

I know, of course I cannot.

That is why I intend to go round to her house this lunchtime.

Face to face with her victim, the perpetrator will reveal herself.

Well, what if she gets really angry?

-I mean, she's not a woman to be messed with.

-Yes, well...

Neither am I, Doctor Reid.

Neither am I.

But what's it matter?

No.

I can't give you vaccinations on top,

not until I know what it is you've taken.

-It would be reckless of me.

-We shouldn't have come.

But I swear it's nothing illegal, so it can't be that bad, can it?

We can still have our injections.

Depends on what you've taken. You know. Benzo Fury?

Pink Champagne, maybe?

You wouldn't have heard of it.

It's new.

So what's it called, then?

Quack? Have you heard of it, Liam?

I don't think so, no.

I'm concerned about giving them vaccinations on top

until we know what it is.

Yeah, I wouldn't risk it. You don't know how they'll mix.

-They'll miss their flight, though.

-Well, serves them right.

Exactly. If intelligent young men and women want to play Russian roulette with this stuff,

they should face the consequences.

These hybrid, pick 'n' mix compounds cause nothing but trouble.

Not always.

I mean, we don't know, do we?

Some might be beneficial, there's no proper research.

Well, until there is, I suggest you steer well clear.

Ah! Good morning.

But it's a busy time of year, I thought you might need me.

I know you know the ropes, but...

Well, if you change your mind.

My daughter, she's running things now.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, I...I...I just wanted to...

CAR ENGINE STARTS

..say that...well, perhaps when you were at the...

-SHE SHOUTS:

-Do you have to do that now? It's very noisy!

No, I wouldn't.

Oh! Come on in.

Sorry, chaps, but you have to come down from this trip

before you go on your next.

I knew this was a bad idea.

Doctor Carter, do you mind if I head back to the Mill?

I'd like to complete the data input for Mr Bellamy.

No, of course.

-He's eager.

-Yes, he is.

-Right, I'll give 'em a call and sort it out, it'll be all right.

-Oscar!

Hey, you dropped them pills Finn gave you?

Yeah. Why?

Any good?

Yeah. Yeah. Really good.

A really smooth buzz, like not too trippy.

Well, for me, anyway.

They're that good, yeah?

Yeah, like I...I feel grand. It's well worth it.

Lasts too long. Going to miss our flight now.

But you'd...um...do them again, yeah?

Yeah.

Why, you got some more?

No, no, but...I...

I might have if you're interested.

Yes, you'd think I'd be more even-tempered now I've retired,

but I...I suppose I do owe you some sort of apology, don't I?

Well, that is why you came, isn't it?

Oh, well. Not as such.

Why are you here, then?

Something...something went missing from the reception desk.

Something very dear to me.

Do you think I took... Oh!

..took your...? Oh, look at this now.

You're calling me a thief, is that right!?

Perhaps...perhaps it was taken by mistake? Look.

Let...let me help you with this.

Oh, no, there's no need.

No, it is not a problem, there is a cloth here.

This is Doctor Reid's.

Oh! Don't be silly. It's from a goodie bag.

I get all sorts of stuff given to me.

With Doctor Reid's handwriting?

Hey, I'm a respected businesswoman. This is slander.

Yes, well, we'll see what the police have to say about this.

Police? Over a notepad? Please!

One of my colleagues is married to a police sergeant.

I'm sure he will take this matter very seriously.

All right, please. Now, don't.

So you admit it - you stole?

But I really don't know why.

Oh, look at me, I'm crying and I never cry.

I don't know what's wrong with me these days.

But there is something wrong, isn't there?

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

I've just been stupid, but I'm fine.

Mrs Cummings, you are not fine.

This seems like a cry for help to me.

Is it?

Well, if not, then what?

I...

..I was in the shop queue, they were all being so long

and...I walked out without paying.

It made me feel...excited.

It was a rebellion.

Against everyone - show them that I'm not past it.

So you started this when you retired?

I built my business up from scratch.

Thought I wanted nothing more

than to finally move on and be free, but...

But you do not feel like that any more?

I've tried cake baking, gardening, bridge clubs,

yoga classes, but...

nothing seems...what it should be, you know?

No.

No, it is not.

It's all so boring!

I miss the buzz, the excitement.

You know?

But Mrs Cummings, stealing?

Only stupid little things.

I mean, I mean nothing that anyone would notice.

But I noticed.

Please. My, my Jesus. Where is it?

Only a couple of space cadets amongst the asthma clinic.

It was quite nice of them to turn up, considering.

This stuff's ever so popular.

The end of term ball must've gone with a bang.

We need to take a no-tolerance approach. Get the message across.

What? "Just Say No." Abstinence doesn't work.

No, we have to warn them of the dangers.

What, like a poster campaign or something?

Yeah! "You'd be quackers to take quack."

Or we could get Chris to spread the word in his radio slot.

No, they're just going to laugh at it. It's...it's not cool.

Well, I'll make it cool.

No offence, Heston,

but somehow, I don't think you're the man to front it.

HE SIGHS

I didn't mean to take something sentimental.

But...I get up sometimes in the morning and I feel so...

so...

Empty?

Yeah, well, I know the feeling.

You? But you've got him.

My father told me that I should put him in my pocket

and every time I was afraid, I should hold on to him tight.

And soon, I did not need him any more,

I felt strong and well.

I do not even know what became of him.

Oh, it's not the same one?

Oh, no, no, no. I bought this one recently.

Once again, I'm feeling frightened.

But why?

I...I told a...a stupid lie

and I hurt someone very, very dear to me.

And now, I cannot face my friends at church.

Oh, but couldn't you explain...?

No, no, no, no. No, no.

There is...there is no turning back. But how to move forward?

I need to find the strength from somewhere.

You seem very strong to me, Mrs Tembe.

As do you, Ms Cummings.

But we both know the truth.

There are other churches.

And there are other ways of finding thrills.

Perhaps we...we both need to broaden our horizons.

Yeah, perhaps.

I had better go.

Oh, really?

Here.

You keep this.

For strength.

Oh, I was just coming to give you these.

It's the printout from your echo scan.

Ah, that's what a broken heart looks like, is it?

I'm pleased about the machine. Really, I am.

Thank you. So am I.

CAR HORN HONKS

CAR HORN HONKS

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Ms Cummings!

Fancy a ride?

You...you...you did not take this?

No! No!

I took Paul up on his offer, broadened my horizon.

Oh, Hummer 6.2, turbocharged.

Oh, wonderful!

THEY CHUCKLE

Well, I know but the Icon Bar's improved, don't you think?

Is that...?

Mrs Tembe!

Doctor Reid, Doctor Khella.

THEY LAUGH

Well, so you asked her then?

Mm! Yes, oh, now,

I think you will find that your appointment is at 2.30.

Oh, thank you. So, you lived to tell the tale?

Oh, indeed.

No little Jesus?

-Oh, no, I found it.

-Oh, where was it?

Well, I think somebody needed it more than I.

Tea?

Oh, yes, please!

DOOR CLOSES

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

IMITATING A FEMALE VOICE: How was your day, dear?

Nearly as tedious as yours, darling.

I did data input for most of it.

But...not all of it. Also did this.

-The questionnaire?

-Uh-huh.

-Are you going to do it?

Yep.

-Bumped into a couple of very satisfied customers of yours.

-Ooh!

You know, I think this stuff really has got potential.

Told you.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, don't worry, that's just Ed. It's open, come in!

-You know Ed's a good guy.

-Yeah.

-He could be up for it.

-I've only been back two days and she's already doing my head in.

-Who is?

-My mum.

I mean, what does it matter if I didn't get up till two?

-I didn't get home from the ball till seven.

-What was it like?

Mental. Everyone was off their face thanks to you.

Mark and Oscar were total carnage.

THEY CHUCKLE

-What? So you want some more?

-Definitely. Yeah.

I got some serious parental stress heading my way in the next few days.

Don't think I can do it straight-faced.

Well, you going to ask him, then?

Ask me what?

Just about answering a few questions about the pills.

Questions? Like what, for a project or...?

Yeah. Something like that, yeah, plus you get 'em cost price.

-Four for a tenner, if you do.

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

But for that, you'll have to fill out one of these.

Nice one.

No names needed. Completely anonymous.

Log every sensation, all right, physical, mental,

what you consume, alcohol, food, even water.

Yeah, I get it. For cheap highs, I'll tell you anything!

THEY CHUCKLE

-Nice one. I'll see you around, yeah?

-All right, dude.

-All right.

See you later.

That was easy, wasn't it?

Let the trials begin.

Indeed.

Shortness of breath, grinding of teeth, blurred vision. Wow.

Sounds like a fun night out.

Congratulations, you've earned a well-deserved break from your books.

Don't encourage him.

-Is that your normal speaking voice?

-Excuse me?

No offence, but it sounds a bit Brummie.

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to flush them.

-You can't.

-No. If they trace them back to us, we can go to jail!

We're not breaking any laws, Finn, all right?

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