The Lure Doctors

Go on.

It's my last tenner.

Five-card trick pays double.

You won't know until you've tried.

All right.

Yes!

Five-card trick.

Let's see what the bank's got.

HE LAUGHS

What? I've got a five-card trick.

Doesn't beat three sevens. Best hand in pontoon.

-Since when?

-Since it was the hardest way to get twenty-one.

You know why they call it pontoon, don't you?

Because I'm going to spend the day fishing off it.

Karen?

Karen?!

What?

Have you seen my fishing jumper?

Karen?!

Are you not going to go to bed?

No. I'm going down to the fishing shop.

-In Selly Heath?

-Yeah.

And then I'm going to spend the day down the cut.

Hey, you could pop in and surprise me.

-We could go for lunch.

-I've just said, "I'm going fishing."

You all right?

Yeah.

I've had my appraisal.

-Overnight?

-Just a quiet word which turned into half an hour.

Apparently, I need to be more organised.

Who says?

The Inspector. I don't know. Maybe he's right.

But...organised?

I am organised, aren't I?

You might want that.

Down the back of the sofa.

You're kidding me. What, I've been without that all night?

Well, I don't know. I'm not a detective.

No. Neither am I by the look of it.

Eh, great minds...

No rest for the wicked.

-Make a colleague feel valued.

-And that colleague will value you.

-Morning.

-Morning.

Good to be back.

They're in a good mood.

Any new messages?

No. Do you think he's stopped?

He can hardly do it while we're in the same room, can he?

What?

Kevin, it's not Al.

Why won't you just accept that it is.

Because it's not him.

-I'm going to prove it to you.

-I don't want you to.

Because you know I'm right.

One milk, two sugars.

-What?

-My tea. Where are those nurses when you need them, eh?

And catch one for me.

Good morning, can I help you?

Just come in for some bait.

Loads of bargains, by the way. Got a carbon-fibre roach pole.

-Might help me get Ol' Steve.

-Nah, need more than that.

-Why?

-Nobody's ever seen him.

-I have.

-Where?

-Parson's.

What you using?

-Maggots.

-For perch?

-Roach.

Maggots for roach?

What would you use?

Yeah, maggots would do. Triple 'em up on a lure.

-For roach?

-Or perch. You could ledger your cast far enough.

-How would you do that?

-A flick and a kick.

A flick and a kick?

What are you going to use? You haven't got any money.

-DOOR ALARM CHIMES

-I'll use some of yours.

-Get your own.

-What's the difference?

Grow up. I'm going before that copper spots me.

What copper?

He can't stand me. He's nicked me that many times.

That's what I'm saying. You've never even been caught.

No-one ever sees you.

Get 100 quid and I'll see you down the cut.

How am I going to get 100 quid?

Same way as I got it from you.

Oh, excuse me? Do you work here?

100 large cloths.

-Hey, guys. You got a minute?

-Not really.

We're trying to catch up here, mate.

An awayday learning how to appreciate your workmates.

Tell me all about it. It was madness here without you.

Mate, you should have been on the course.

Seriously, you should have gone.

No, actually I'd really love to hear all about it.

How about drinks tomorrow night?

-Yeah. Could do.

-Why not?

Great.

Um...pregnancy tests.

-You sure?

-If you cast far enough.

What you going to hang it off?

Well, I haven't said I'm going to get it yet.

Lure like that off a rod like this.

Yeah, it's very nice.

Better than nice. Perfect roach pole.

It is if you've got a spare 200 quid.

Cheap for carbon fibre.

Opening day offer.

Yeah, 16 metres. It would reach the far bank.

Get a shot at Ol' Steve.

How do you know about Ol' Steve?

My dad saw him.

Get off! Nobody alive's seen him.

My dad has. By the Parson's.

Who's your dad? I might know him.

No, no, you wouldn't.

I'll...I'll leave you to it, yeah.

Well, anyway, thanks for your help.

Cheers.

Oh, you'll have to bear with me, I'm still not used to anything.

Yeah, it's a nice place.

Well, I'd rather be fishing. What can we get you?

One number two Mepps Comet spinner.

How about bait?

Maggots. I...I thought I'd triple them.

What you after?

I'm after my wallet.

-Perch?

-Oh, no...roach.

With a lure?

Yeah, when I find my wallet.

We got a nice roach pole on special.

I've seen it.

I'd have to come back for it.

Take it with you if you want, bring the money back later.

No, I...I should find this.

DOOR ALARM CHIMES

Sorry, miles away. Didn't see you there.

What can I do for you?

Can I get one of them and a box of maggots?

No problem. You'll have to bear with me.

-I'd rather be fishing.

-Yeah.

How would you like to pay?

Right you are, Mr Hollins.

And next time you're going to call the NHS Direct thing, aren't you?

Thanks ever so much...for wasting our time.

You are evil.

Me? Soft and cuddly Dr Haskey?

-Is that what Jackie calls you?

-Eh? Oh, yeah, yeah.

A bit too soft and cuddly for her liking.

-You seeing her this weekend?

-Yeah, I should think so. Why?

Why don't you invite her out for drinks tomorrow night?

We can find out what the nurses did and meet Jackie.

-Two birds, one stone.

-Right.

-Seven o'clock at the Icon?

-Icon?

-Problem?

No. I conclude that's a good place to go.

-See you both then.

-Yeah.

Did I take my wallet from the house? Can you remember?

Hello, love. How are you?

Yeah, hello. I just can't believe I've lost it again.

-Well, have you checked the car?

-Yeah.

Well, go home and have a look cos I didn't get a chance to clean up.

Eh, and don't cancel your cards until you're sure

cos they're a nightmare to get replaced.

Oh, hey, mate, listen...

Jackie's not going to be able to make it.

-Oh, what?

-Yeah, they've changed her shift patterns and she's got to work late.

Then get her to come afterwards.

You see, the thing is, I really don't think that she wants to.

-She's ever so shy.

-Then a night out with us would do her good.

Come on, mate. We're dying to meet her.

What have you got to lose?

Ah, Dr Tyler.

Mr Harper, come on through.

PHONE RINGS

-Brian?

-Are you all right?

No, not really.

Can you come in tonight?

Tonight?

The boss said you had some grovelling to do.

HE GROANS

Is Karen with you? I hope that is Karen.

So, what shall I tell him?

Er...yes, yes, tell-tell him I'll-I'll be in, all right.

See you later.

Robert Hollins.

LB17 4RJ.

E for echo, K for kilo.

Aunt Ag.

Yeah, I'm just trying to find out when I last used my credit card.

And that was just the one transaction?

£9.74. Where was that, please?

Here it is. Pint of maggots and one lure - a number two Mepps Comet spinner.

Yeah, that's what I was going to get.

Can't you remember who used the card?

-No, I've served that many people.

-What about the pin number?

I haven't got the phone line up. I've been getting them to sign.

And the young boy you've got working here?

I haven't got a boy working here.

Yeah. He... He was the one who was telling me about the lure.

About 18, so big, short dark hair?

No, sorry, like I say.

There was one dodgy-looking guy, but he was older.

It can't have been him, though. He left without buying anything.

Nice fellow. Liar though.

-What makes you say that?

-He said he'd seen Ol' Steve.

Did he happen to say where?

Well, well, well.

Not when I'm fishing, eh?

My credit card got used at the fishing shop this morning.

Yeah? What did you get?

I didn't use it. Somebody stole it from me.

Good for them.

The owner said you were there.

How does he know it was me?

He described you.

So what? I was there.

And your son.

How do you work that one out?

Young lad of about 18. Short, dark hair.

He was pretending to work at the shop.

He talked about his dad, Ol' Steve,

the Parson's. In fact he talked quite a lot for a pickpocket.

-You think my son stole your credit card?

-I want it back.

Nicking a copper's credit card. Priceless.

-If I get it back we'll say no more about it.

-Why would we do that?

Because he seems like a nice lad. He could do better.

How can you do better than dipping a pig?

-Where is he?

-I don't know.

-I could always pop round to your house.

-I could phone him and tell him not to answer the door.

-I could arrest you for conspiracy.

-Fine. Go ahead.

All right.

No! You never keep it in your wallet?

Casey Needham, I'm arresting you...

Not until I've seen your warrant card.

You don't need to see my warrant card. You know who I am.

As far as I'm concerned, you could be anyone.

I'm not telling you anything or going anywhere.

Except fishing.

Oi, oi.

-And good afternoon to you too.

-Can't wait to meet her.

-Who?

-Your girlfriend. Kev says she's coming tomorrow night.

What is wrong with Kevin?

-Karen?

-Don't come crying to me.

-What?

-Your girlfriend's been invited to the drinks.

Yeah, but she can't go.

That's not the point, is it? She's been invited.

I said tonight.

You need some organisational skills.

Very funny.

I'd keep your head down, Inspector's on the warpath.

-Is he?

-Won't go home. Like a bear with a sore head.

So, what's up?

It's very delicate.

-She caught you out?

-Who?

-Karen?

-What? No.

Rob, what you doing here?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

You told Chris that Jackie was going to go tomorrow night.

Yeah. And Mandy. And Jas. They can't wait to meet her.

I told you we can't make it.

Yeah, I know, but I know you really want to.

It's really nice of you to think of her.

And I hope that she's going to be there more than anybody.

Do you not think that there are other people it's more important to invite?

What?

This is a night for the nurses, yeah?

Well, what about the HCAs?

Look, Karen Hollins - she's just passed her assessment.

Look, I appreciate the thought, I really do.

You might want to think about being just a little bit more sensitive.

-Have you got it?

-What?

-His warrant card. It is in the wallet, right?

-How do you know?

He came here looking for you. Why did you tell him I'd be down here?

-I didn't.

-Ol' Steve? Parson's?

We were chatting about fishing.

Chatting? He's a copper.

Come here.

You nicked a copper's badge.

HE LAUGHS

-It isn't there.

-What?

-I can feel your hand in my pocket.

-Where is it?

-Safe.

-It's worth a fortune.

And if he hasn't stopped his credit cards...?

-Do you want me to get caught?

-You won't. I told you.

You're too good.

Come on. Let's do some fishing, eh.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

Just get me that warrant card, eh.

It was definitely him. Fray Needham.

Casey's boy.

-What you going to do?

-Four years ago. Underage drinking.

That's all he's got? No dishonesty?

-No.

-How's he managed that with Casey for a dad?

I don't know, but that won't last at this rate.

-Well, you can't nick him. We'll have to do the whole thing by the book.

-Yeah.

Rob, you've lost your warrant card.

If I report it I'll be a laughing stock.

-If you don't, you could lose your job.

-I'd better get it back then.

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to phone the bank.

If the credit cards haven't been used again, there's a chance that the warrant card'll be OK.

And I need another favour.

Found it?

No, not yet.

What about your credit cards?

-They've probably cleaned you out by now.

-No. I've called the bank.

And it's just a lure and some bait.

Less than a tenner.

He's hardly a chip off the old block, is he?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Maybe it wasn't Fray after all. Maybe it was you.

You know it wasn't me.

Yeah, I do, but... Ooh!

Now I come to think about it...it could have been you.

Maybe my memory is as bad as yours.

Yeah, I could just make it all up.

Say you saw me do it?

You've got a criminal record - he hasn't.

Why ruin his life?

You've got no evidence.

Unless you just own up to it.

Are you on something?

Just fresh air. The thought of fishing.

An endorphin rush.

Why would I put my hands up to something I didn't do?

To keep your son out of jail.

All right, well, now I've appealed to your better nature,

I don't feel quite so bad.

HE DIALS NUMBER ON PHONE

Brian, yeah, it's Rob.

Can you come down here and arrest Casey Needham for me, please?

-Arrest me for what?

-Shoplifting. The owner saw him do it.

Yeah, I've got the evidence in my hand.

-Wait.

-Oh, hang on, Brian. I might have got that wrong.

Call you back.

I'll tell you where he'll be.

Getting caught might be the best thing for him anyhow.

It's about time he grew up.

I'll do that.

Ah, thank you.

Has Kevin been to see you?

No, why should he have?

To invite you for the drinks. I had a word.

You wasted your time. I can't go anyway. I'm busy.

-Yeah? What you doing?

-Rob's taking me out.

Well, for what it's worth, I don't think Jackie's going to be able to make it.

We had something planned, so...

It's no excuse. Kevin shouldn't be so insensitive.

If he's not not inviting you, then he's going on and on about Jackie.

-Oh, that's cos he's jealous.

-Huh?

You've got somebody and he hasn't. Forget Kevin and his drink.

Take her out for a romantic meal. Cherish her.

-Is that what Rob's going to do for you?

-Yeah.

She'll love it and you'll feel manly.

I do already. But I don't think Jackie's going to be around.

Well, she might be if you invited her for a romantic meal.

No, I don't think so.

You don't know until you try.

I've got a fairly good idea.

Go on, surprise her.

No, I can't. She's...she's working late.

Well, someone will cover.

What? Just like find another optician?

I thought she was a dentist.

No, no, optician.

I swear that you said she was a dentist?

No. Have a lovely meal.

Al?

Keys.

Yes, love?

Well, how am I supposed to know what Al's girlfriend does for a living?

Don't you remember me saying?

No.

Am I invisible?

This is a phone call, Karen.

It's like I don't exist.

We go on a course and they're telling us

you got to care for your colleagues, got to be considerate,

and compassionate and then they go and organise a drink out for

tomorrow night and go on about it all day. "Ooh, it'd be nice to meet Jackie.

"Jackie can't come now. Jackie's a dentist, Jackie's an optician."

Wait a minute. Jackie is Al's girlfriend?

Do they think to invite you? My husband.

No, and I'm not having it. If you're not invited then I'm not going.

-Right, so they forgot to ask you?

-Yeah, or they don't...

Don't be daft. Tell them you're otherwise engaged.

Doing what?

Er...celebrating. We loved bringing up our kids, didn't we?

Eh?

But what's even better than that is knowing that they're out there on

their own, doing their own thing, so I think we should celebrate.

How you fixed for tomorrow night?

I'll check my diary.

-OK. See you, love.

-Bye, love.

I think you've got something of mine.

Not that.

The barman says you haven't got any cash.

How you going to pay for your drink?

-Running a tab.

-Yeah.

-With my credit card?

-I don't know what you're on about.

Don't you?

All right.

Well, then, you won't mind me waiting.

-You what?

-I'll just stay and wait until you do or you don't pay for it,

then I'll arrest you, take you down the station,

you get a police record, in and out of jail. You know how it goes.

Do you really want to live your life like that?

Or...you could just give me back my wallet.

Did you know that was in there?

Did you not fancy selling it?

I wouldn't know how to.

No. But you know a man who would.

I think it's time we went to settle up, don't you?

-Karen, I'm really sorry...

-Stop right there.

Of course we'd love for you to come and meet Jackie.

-I'd love to, but Rob's taking me out.

-Anywhere nice?

Romantic meal for two. I wouldn't bank on Jackie coming either.

Hey, but if she does, would you do me a favour

and find out what she does for a living?

Cos first she was a dentist, then she was an optician...

I'm starting to wonder if she even exists.

DOOR ALARM CHIMES

Hiya.

Hello, can I help?

I came in earlier. Somebody had been using my credit card.

Oh, yes.

Have you had any luck finding who?

Don't you recognise him?

No, should I?

Well, yeah, you should.

She doesn't exist.

He just doesn't want to introduce her to us.

Even Karen says so.

So, she isn't a dentist. Maybe she isn't an optician either.

Maybe she's not a professional person at all.

Maybe she doesn't speak English, maybe he's embarrassed about her.

Maybe she doesn't exist.

Seriously.

Either you leave Al alone or I won't be going for the drink either.

You can go on your own.

Hi. Can you send the next patient through, please?

-Thank you.

-It's Al and you know it is.

Maybe you're wrong.

Have you considered that?

Maybe I will...when I meet Jackie.

It's more than I wanted to spend but the salesman talked me into it.

And seeing as I got my wallet back...

There they all are. Shouldn't shut up early on your first day

but like they say, "I'd rather be fishing."

And there's my glamorous assistant.

I'm helping out. Couple of hours in the afternoons.

-This is my dad.

-Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.

I got some bait with my commission.

You'll be needing a rod then, won't you?

-Using a lure?

-A number two Mepps Comet spinner.

I know what it is.

You won't get much.

I'm not interested in small fry.

Just the big boys you're after?

Ol' Steve.

Your dad, did you say?

Where did you get that?

Oh, that. It's mine.

I brought it down earlier.

Don't remember me buying it?

Hollins?

Oh, yeah. Silly me.

Kev?

I got some good news.

Jackie managed to get the night off work so she's going to come.

You were right. She's really excited about seeing everyone,

so thank you, mate.

Don't mention it.

Drive safe, yeah?

Yeah.

SHE SWITCHES ON THE TV

Would you pick up my pills? You're going to the shops, aren't you?

-Well, I'll be interested to see the figures.

-And so would I.

-Kelly.

-That's me!

Come to the stage, Kelly, love.

How about trying to do this for yourself?

OK. OK.

Come and join us as soon as you can.

"She who must be obeyed..."

-Oh, no, I don't think you should read that.

-This is ridiculous!

No. This is a chance.

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