Just Deserts Doctors

SNORING

DOOR CLOSES

HE BUCKLES HIS BELT

RADIO ON IN THE BACKGROUND Morning!

Hi...morning.

-I had a great time last night.

-Me too. Coffee?

Please. Milk and two sugars.

-You have a lovely place.

-Thanks.

Do you have work to get to?

I have some stuff to do around the house first.

-But I have to go in later.

-Right. Where's that, then?

-I'm a GP...

-No way! Which practice?

The Mill Health Centre.

Oh, I know it. Wow. A doctor.

-Must be quite demanding.

-Well, yes, it's pretty full-on.

Yeah. All those hypochondriacs in the waiting room.

Bit like my sister.

Always complaining about one pain or another. HE LAUGHS

Not like me though. I'm as fit as a butcher's dog, me.

Yes, right...well I must get on.

Of course.

Look, I want to say that I...

I'm really busy and what with work and...everything,

-I don't really have the time to...?

-Emma. It's fine. I understand.

Oh, good! Huh, good!

I'm a bit like you, to be fair, career first.

But I have to say though, last night was pretty special?

Yes, yes, it was.

Anyway...paperwork won't do itself.

-You're all right if I just go and jump in the shower and...

-Course.

And you're OK to...?

-Fine. I'll just finish this.

-OK.

Heston! Just the man!

What's wrong? Missing the Italian sun?

Midlands weather has a relentless quality.

You're still pining after some stunning signorina?

If only. There was one lady in Padua.

Olive skin and the most beautiful, tousled ebony hair.

I'm sorry to pull you out of your Italian fantasy.

I'm absolutely snowed under today. I need a favour.

-The answer is no. I have a mountain of paperwork already.

-You don't even have any patients.

-THAT is beside the point.

-Look, it won't take long.

-I need you to meet a rep from the stationery firm.

-Stationery!

Double check the deal she's offering is as good as what

-it sounds!

-There must be someone else.

-Her contact details are on there.

-She sounded pretty sharp on the phone, so don't let her...

-Angelica Harley?

-What? You know her?

-Must be someone else...

Leave the contract on my desk, will you?

Howard!

Listen, thanks for stepping up. Drinks on me tonight.

Oh, God! You're still here.

Really spacious in here, isn't it? Deceptive.

-Especially the garden.

-Yes.

I was thinking, your patio is so big.

What's missing is a hot tub.

-Honestly, it'd be fantastic, looking over the garden.

-I've never really thought about it.

Oh, they're great, trust me. Once you've experienced it.

-Yeah.

-Imagine, looking out over the stars.

I don't want to be rude, but I really do have to get on,

-so, if you wouldn't mind...

-Oh. Right.

-Bye then...

-Thank you.

-I...

-No. Goodbye. Bye-bye.

Angelica Harley. I have an appointment with Howard Bellamy.

-Oh, yes, you're the rep from...

-That's right.

I'm ever so sorry, Howard sends his apologies,

he's a bit snowed under today, but not to worry.

-He's got one of the other doctors to...

-It IS you!

-Heston!

-How lovely to see you!

Angelica's husband and I are old school buddies. How is Bennie?

-Oh, you know...

-It's been far too long.

Yes, it has. I'm sorry, I've been terrible.

Well, I'm no better. Christmas cards maybe once a year.

So, you've launched yourself back into the world of work again?

-Yes and I'm really enjoying it.

-Marvellous.

So, this really is a top-rate deal, you know.

Right. Straight down to business.

Perhaps you'd like a cup of tea in my office?

I have some lovely lemon biscotti I picked up in Verona.

-Hi.

-Hello. How are you?

Not bad. So what are we doing?

I have picked up a few leaflets from the Art Centre.

-They have several exhibitions on.

-OK.

Maybe you would like to do something else?

Like what?

I...don't know. A walk? Or...

I don't mind.

The park is here. I just thought...

You choose. I'm easy.

Right. Let us go and see the exhibition.

And if it is not to your taste, then we can go for a walk.

Sounds good.

This is your monthly overhead. These are the terms of termination of

contract if you're not happy, but you will be. And these are the

accumulating rates, so every completed order entitles

-The Mill to a greater discount.

-I see.

-And this...is where you sign.

-Sold.

-Thank you very much.

I would hazard a guess that you are their top saleswoman?

I'm their ONLY saleswoman. It's very much an all boys office.

How do you cope with all the testosterone?

By getting out on the road. Every day is different.

I have to admit, this is not what I imagined.

Me to be doing? No, nor did I.

Bennie and I, we've...separated. It's sort of a trial thing.

Oh, I'm very sorry, I had no idea.

I moved into a rented place. It's nice.

-I've really enjoyed doing it up. But I needed money.

-I see.

It must be hard.

-Sometimes.

-If there's anything I can do to help.

-Thank you.

-No, really, I mean it.

I sometimes wonder, if Bennie hadn't come along, if...

I'm sorry. I'm waffling on.

No, no. I was going to suggest lunch later.

-On me. Pleasure not business.

-Thank you. That would be nice.

You can't just sneak in, you know.

-The walk of shame has to be PUBLIC!

-Shush!

-Come on. I want every gory detail.

-About what?

SHE SCOFFS In late. Rosy cheeks.

Shifty, dreamy look in your eyes.

All right...I had a nice time.

-How nice?

-VERY nice.

I knew it! You saucy minx! THEY GIGGLE

Sorry, can you hold the line for a sec, please?

-THEY LAUGH

-Am I missing something?

No. We were just talking about...

Emma's love life. She's been a naughty girl!

Sorry about that. Where was I?

-SHE SIGHS

-You are unbelievable.

Is that what he said last night?

Come on, you were going to tell me all the juicy details.

No. I definitely wasn't.

-But you are seeing him again, right?

-No chance.

I don't feel very good about this, but it was....just a bit of fun.

-And you told him that?

-Loud and clear.

He was a bit slow on the uptake, but I think he got it.

-Eventually.

-Not sure he did actually.

What do you mean?

Unless that's his double, he's just parked up outside.

It's not exactly five-star, but then we are in Letherbridge.

-I'm sure it'll be fine.

-It's the company that counts.

You ARE lovely.

Heston, I wanted to ask...it's a bit awkward...

I was wondering if you'd check up on Bennie for me?

-I'm worried about him.

-Right?

I think he's probably gone a bit off the rails, you know?

One of his colleagues told me

he had missed most of his lectures this week.

I'm not sure that I can...

He drinks in The Bronze Barrel, that awful pub opposite the college.

-And you want me to...?

-I just want to know that he's all right.

Set my mind at rest, really.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd be ever so grateful.

He'll probably be in there about now.

I could maybe drop in before.

Thank you, you are lovely. See you later.

What are you doing here?!

I thought we understood each other this morning?

-Career people, you said!

-Yeah! Absolutely.

Don't worry, I'm not a freaky stalker or something.

I was just in the area. Just thought I'd pop in.

-For what?!

-Well...a courtesy call, really.

I wanted to talk to you about your garden.

That patio is screaming out for something.

I don't know what you're talking about.

A hot tub would finish it off perfectly. I can just see it.

-You came here to suggest I buy a hot tub?!

-AL AND JIMMI LAUGH

Cards on the table? Yes.

I have a perfect eye for locations.

It's definitely given me an edge, sales-wise.

-You...you sell...?

-Hot tubs.

-I'm not interested.

-Whoa, whoa. Listen, just hear me out.

-I want you to leave. Now.

-If this reaction is about cost, then I completely understand.

-Are you not hearing me?!

-We have excellent repayment schemes, long term.

They are proven to add value to the property.

Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you,

I'm on a commission base only and what with the recession...

-I want you to leave.

-OK.

Look, how about just handing out some of these?

Your colleagues might...

-Bye.

-Bye.

SHE SIGHS

It's nice to see so many simple toys.

No batteries, no remotes.

It's very unusual to see children playing out in the streets nowadays.

They're usually stuck inside, staring at a screen.

Ah! You had one of those as a child?

NIAMH GIGGLES MISCHIEVOUSLY

-Sorry. I know I shouldn't.

-How shameless was he?

Actually, I felt a bit sorry for him.

And here's me thinking last night was all about passion.

He was kind of passionate!

Only when he was trying to sell me a hot tub!

Hot tub? Someone say hot tub?

-Are you going to buy a hot tub?

-Yes! No! Maybe.

-Always been a dream of mine.

-Really?

Mr Hewitt's just arrived. I put him in your office.

NIAMH LAUGHS

It's not funny!

All right, it is a bit funny.

His face!

Oh, are you still on for tomorrow? Dinner party at yours?

Yes. I haven't done anything to get that sorted yet...

What with all the other excitement.

-..But I will do it today.

-Lovely. Who's coming?

Just the doctors, everyone else is busy.

Well, if you need to make up numbers you could always ask Mr Hot Tub!

Thank you.

RACING ON TV

Come on, you mangy old nag! Move it!

No...no! No! 20 to one. What a crock.

Heston Carter! As I live and breath.

Amici...

-..aeternum.

-This gentleman is my fellow Hambleton Academian.

Survivor of the best and worst education that a ridiculous amount of money can buy!

-Bennie.

-So how the heck are you?

Very well. Very well.

-A drink for my old friend, Jim!

-Not for me. Thank you.

-Go on!

Another for me, would you, Jim!

Timed it just perfect, old man. You can stand me this one.

Whilst we're on the subject,

you could see your way clear to lending me a couple of quid on top.

There we are! Bottoms up!

Perhaps you would like to do something else

-if this is boring you.

-I'm fine.

-We could walk in the park or...

-I said I'm fine.

I only suggested the museum as a starting point.

We do not have to stay.

May I ask you something?

The crimes...you committed.

Do you, did you ever have thoughts about children?

-No! Never!

-I'm sorry.

-I'm not like that. I never was!

-I just had to ask. I am sorry.

Yeah. Me too.

-Enough is enough, Bennie.

-It just seems easier in here.

Drinking the day away is not going to help.

I know I've screwed up, OK? The booze makes me feel better.

-But it doesn't really, does it?

-I can't cope without my angel.

You need to sort yourself out.

Angelica was the best thing I ever had. My rock.

Now I've lost her, I'm foundering. I love her, Heston.

HE SOBS Right.

This is what's going to happen. I'm going to drive you home,

you will have a shower and you will sober up. HE VOMITS

Still not boiled.

Right...ooh, while I remember, can you make dinner at mine

-tomorrow night?

-Dunno.

I'm asking everyone. It's a kind of welcome Niamh dinner.

Oh, all right. Only thing is, erm, me

and Jimmi had this kind of real ale night planned.

Tell you what, we bring the ale, you cook the food.

-So, that's a yes, then?

-Real ale and food? Yes, it's a yes.

What about you two?

Dinner at mine tomorrow night, to welcome Niamh.

-Sorry. I can't. I've got a date.

-Daniel?

Er, sounds fine.

I've got to check with the boss, but I don't think we've got anything on.

-Great.

-What's this?

-Hot tubs?

-Oh, yes.

-How very '80s.

-Prawn cocktails and wife swapping.

-Who's getting one?

Excuse me. I've got to get on.

Sorry.

It was fun at first.

I'm bored, Heston. Seminars, students, papers, the whole shebang.

-I really couldn't care less.

-So you started drinking?

Lunch time, mid-morning. Little nip before going in.

Soon creeps up on you.

You enjoy it, then before you know it, you need it.

-You have to stop.

-The job or the booze?

-HE LAUGHS

-Joke!

Angelica, she's put up with so much.

But the thing with the student, well, that was too much.

-I know that.

-You did what?

Oh, don't look so po-faced! She was perfectly willing.

Anyway, it was just the once.

Well, just the once I was stupid enough to get caught.

-Unbelievable.

-You always were the most

insufferable, little prig, weren't you?

And you were always selfish, and egotistical.

Yeah, I know! Promereo promereor.

Well, just like your precious hammy motto,

I got what I deserved and I'm so glad you're happy!

It's Angelica I'm concerned about!

Of course. That's why you knew where I was.

-She put you up to this!

-It's not like that.

So what was it like? WHAT is going on?

Would you like a mint?

It's an interesting exhibition.

So, the place you are staying in, what is it like?

-It's OK.

-You can cook there?

-And you are eating well?

-What is this, an interview?

-I didn't come here looking for someone to be my mum.

-I am sorry.

I'm a grown-up. Talk to me like one.

Why EXACTLY are you here?

And don't spin me any of that friends forever nonsense.

Angelica expressed some concern.

"Angelica expressed some concern." When did you see her?

-This morning. At the surgery.

-Why?

You lie to me, Carter, you WILL regret it!

It was a business call.

-You've always had your dirty little eye on her.

-Don't be ridiculous.

What's ridiculous is you thinking she'd even give you a second glance!

We're meeting for lunch actually.

-You liar! Where? When?

-2:30. At the Icon Bar.

What happened to the old school code, hey?

Stealing the wife of a friend. That's lower than low.

-I understood you were separated.

-Ah, finally, cards on the table!

Well, I think you'll find my ring is still on her finger.

Remember that pounding I gave you in the lower sixth? On the field?

Pounding? You kicked me between the...

Still whining about it?! You pathetic little...

Unless you want some more, you back off my wife! Comprende?

You don't deserve her! You never did!

Look at this!

-What?

-The golliwog.

No thought or consideration has been put into this at all!

It's just been put there!

There's no information or explanation. Nothing!

-So what? You think it's offensive?

-And highly inappropriate.

Just like everything else, isn't it? Old and dusty.

-Do you understand the history behind this?

-I remember the jam.

I remember the first time I saw one of these.

It was in Botswana.

I was going to church with my father, holding his hand.

A little white girl came out of a car.

She had one and she was holding it tight.

Until she saw me.

And she said, this is you.

My father was furious, of course I had not got a clue.

When we went to church, he explained

that doll represents slavery.

And no child of mine will ever been seen as slave.

-Right.

-It's not ancient history.

Don't see there's much you can do about it.

Well, we will see about that.

-Bennie.

-I'm sorry. Heston told me you'd be here.

He thought we should talk.

I know I don't have the right to say very much, I know.

I've been a total fool. I've treated you unforgivably. But...

I miss you so much. I can't bear being without you.

-And if you'll only come home...

-Oh, Bennie.

I know you deserve better. And I'll try, I promise.

I love you. I love you so much.

I expect a prompt reply to my complaint from whoever

is responsible.

Children are going to see that display!

What are they meant to think

when they are given no information about what they are looking at?

A museum has a duty to educate, as well as entertain!

Thank you.

-Did you enjoy your lunch?

-Yeah.

-I've been meaning to say...

I'm having a dinner party to welcome Niamh tomorrow night.

-Are you free?

-Sorry, no.

-Oh, really? That's a shame.

-Tied up with the CBSO.

-No wriggle room, not even a...?

-Sorry.

-Right. OK.

Yes. Will do. Bye.

Heston, how did it go with the rep today?

Professionally? Signed, sealed and delivered.

-Ah! Personally?

-Unmitigated disaster.

Oh...sorry to hear about that.

That means I definitely owe you a pint.

I could do with a stiff one myself, after today.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-See you later.

Yes, thanks for calling back.

I noticed the model train set caught your eye.

Always wanted one. Was on my Christmas list for years.

And did you get it?

Eventually. My dad got it for me one year.

Couldn't believe it.

Then I spilt something at Christmas dinner. A bottle, I think.

He whacked me, then locked me in my room the rest of the day.

In the dark.

Last I saw of the train set. And of Christmas.

Most days were like that.

I am sorry.

I don't want your sympathy. That's not why I'm telling you.

I know kids who grew up with a lot worse, but they turned out OK.

What I did, there's no excuse for.

We should go.

I'll just have to chalk her up as the one that got away.

-Why don't you just go after her?

-Sorry?

If you think she's the one, then what have you got to lose?

You've either got to put up or shut up, Heston.

Right. That's me. Today is officially...

..over.

See you at the bus stop in the morning.

Pro meritis, primea.

Now call Angelica and tell her the truth! Before I do!

-Thanks for...you know.

-No need to thank me.

I know I've not been very, er... Well, I'm sorry, anyway.

I enjoyed the exhibition and talking to you.

If you want to, we could meet again.

Next time, you pick the place.

Goodbye.

Daniel, would you like more wine?

Thank you, Jimmi, that's very kind.

My colleagues are giving up their evening to spend time with me. How great is that?

-Very?

-Yes!

I need you to come to Emma's dinner party.

No. Forget about it.

-Sorry for the lateness, but we can't come tonight.

-What?!

If it's not too late, and you're not too tired,

if you'd still like to go on our date?

No.