Love is a Battlefield Doctors

PHONE RINGS

SNORING

KNOCK ON DOOR

-WOMAN:

-Phil?

SHE KNOCKS AGAIN

PHONE RINGS AGAIN

'Hi, this is Phil. Please leave a message after the tone.'

SHE GASPS

When I rang I asked for a repeat prescription,

but they said I had to come in to see you first.

-Standard procedure, I'm afraid.

-I see.

The thing is, I've got a really busy day today.

It would have been so much simpler if I could have...

It's just that sometimes habitual use of sleeping tablets...

I don't use them habitually.

I haven't actually had them for two years.

So this is rather a waste of your time. And mine.

I notice you've recently had a course of anti-depressants.

Is that in any way related to this bout of insomnia?

Nothing particular you're worried about?

No.

So this sleeplessness has just come out of the blue?

Yes. Unfortunately.

I just need a new prescription.

Right.

As I said, I've got a lot on today.

Can you fill that in, please. Thank you.

Good morning!

Oh, good morning, Officer Biglow. Are you all right?

Couldn't be better.

Just thought I'd pop in to update you on staffing arrangements.

I shan't be on shift for the rest of the day.

Right. Well, thank you for informing us.

Don't worry though, young Wayne, my deputy,

will very ably fill my shoes.

Not that he hasn't got a bit to learn yet,

but he shows promise.

-Well, flashes of it, anyway.

-I'm sure.

-Thank you.

-Bye.

Was there anything else?

I've got a date. Lunchtime.

So the battle re-enactment went very well?

Definitely. Victory was mine.

And you won her heart.

Well, she's invited me back to her place. A bit direct.

But then this is the 21st century, right?

She texted me. But I called back.

Just to confirm the details. Address, et cetera.

Well, I am very pleased for you.

Normally I wouldn't consider making last minute alterations

to my working arrangements.

Smacks of unprofessionalism, but...under the circumstances....

I think it'll be worth it, don't you?

I am sure.

No!

HE GROANS

Oh, my head.

Mum.

Mum?

I'm not refusing to prescribe you the tablets.

Seems that way to me.

No. I'm just wondering if it would be any use to you to try and understand

any underlying cause to this, money worries, pressure at work...?

It's mainly work. OK?

OK.

My new class intake for September is up on last year

and it includes a lot of difficult kids too.

So is there anyone at work you can discuss this with?

-Try and come to some solution?

-No. Nothing can be done.

Surely the Head...?

It's really not worth talking about. It's my problem. I can deal with it.

But it's just at the moment, I don't feel I can cope without...

Without...?

Enough sleep.

I'm honestly not reliant on the sleeping pills.

This is very much a short term thing.

I probably won't even take them.

It's more about knowing I have them there if I need them.

To help me through this.

OK.

-Morning!

-Why are you so perky?

Just got out of the right side of the bed, I guess.

Was there anybody in that bed?

No, there wasn't, but if there are any developments,

-you'll be the first to know.

-Ah.

I'm going to go to the deli shop for my lunch.

That's the sort of place where you might meet Miss Perfect.

This is Letherbridge, Niamh, anything could happen. SHE GIGLES

While you're there, there's this carrot cake and it's amazing.

That is the most unsubtle hint. You want me to get you some cake?

Well, if you insist...

I suppose my real concern is establishing a clear connection,

right from kick off.

I am not sure I understand.

Between Matilda and myself.

I don't want there to be any...confusion.

Sorry. I'm probably not explaining myself very well.

This whole...thing...

it's not one of my areas of expertise, you know?

I really do not think that I am qualified...

Ah, but you are. Because you're a woman.

And what I need is a woman's perspective.

I see.

My question is, do you think that honesty is the single,

most important ingredient in a relationship?

Yes. Yes, I think I do.

Excellent! Now we're cooking.

So, how do I make sure that it's in the mix then, so to speak?

What I'm getting at is, if I'm being 100% honest -

which is a given, obviously -

how do I make sure Matilda is being honest with me?

I think you are speaking to the wrong person.

No. No. I really would like your opinion.

-I have rather a lot of work to do.

-But I just need...

If you will excuse me.

I know you're probably just sleeping off the hangover from hell -

serves you right - but can you call me?

Love you. Bye.

Barry, knocking off early? Not like you.

Exceptional circumstances. I've got a date.

Oh, with the...err...woman from the...?

Right, well, good luck with that.

Thing is, not being that experienced,

I'm a bit undecided how to play it.

How do you mean?

I'm wrestling with two conflicting schools of thought.

One - be myself, act natural.

Or, two - and given the history of one not being a hugely

successful approach - I could consider being more...

-more...

-Well, good luck with that.

I want this to be a real, proper date.

I want me and Matilda - if that's her real name -

-to be...like...

-Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

You've got as far as going on a date with her,

but you don't even know if that's her real name?

-She signed it Matilda when she summoned me.

-Summoned you?

"Brave Sir Edmund, I need you most urgently. Come post haste!

"Be sure to wear thine armour, as danger lies within..."

Truth is, I just can't picture myself making love to her

-dressed as a sellsword.

-A what?

A mercenary. Weapon for hire.

I've got to go.

I imagined that particular scenario to be much more...

No, no, no. No more detail, please!

I just dunno what to think.

Think about this, when was the last time you had a girlfriend?

PHONE RINGS

'Hi, this is Phil, please leave a message after the tone.'

Eleanor Campbell, come through.

Phil?

If you can hear me, I'm doing this for your own good.

I know it seems a bit...extreme, but you'll thank me in the end.

Phil?

I can't really tell if it's morning sickness or nerves.

Nerves would be understandable, it's not every day you get married.

It's only in a register office.

I just want everything to go right.

Of course. Well, congratulations in advance.

Thanks. It's been a while coming.

Took my boyfriend three goes at proposing till I said yes.

That's a woman's prerogative.

I thought he was just asking out of guilt, you know.

He sounds very keen to me.

The last time he asked was a surprise at our graduation ceremony.

He hired a band, bought champagne, flowers, everything...

Very impressive.

I couldn't say no, could I?

Plus it was really good champagne.

He knows you well.

Not that well. The band was terrible.

Right, this all looks fine.

I'd say it's just a touch of morning sickness.

Unless, of course, you've developed cold feet?

-Then you're good to go.

-Thank you.

-OK.

CLOCK TICKS

HE GASPS

Mum!

Mum!

Mum! What's going on?

Hail, Sir Edmund!

Err...hail.

-Thanks again. Hope I didn't waste your time.

-PHONE BEEPS

No. Always better to be safe than sorry.

Goodbye. Good luck.

Everything all right?

Eleanor?

He ignores my calls all day and then he jilts me.

Oh... I'm so sorry.

By text.

Is there anything I can do?

He's got some serious explaining to do...

PHONE RINGS

'..please leave a message after the tone.'

Who does that? By text!

PHONE BEEPS

"My mind is made up. Don't call me again."

Nice. He's such a...coward.

-Can I call anyone?

-You know what?

If Phil hasn't got the guts to finally cut the apron strings

-then I don't want to marry him!

-So this is about...?

Mrs Shearer. His mum. She's behind this.

I take it you two don't get on?

I've tried so hard, honestly.

But she just hated me, point blank, from day one.

Doesn't matter what I say or do.

Did you say Shearer?

She even refuses to speak directly to me.

Like I don't exist. She's just not right.

I mean, I feel sorry for her.

She's had this depression thing on and off for years

since she lost Phil's dad. But...

Are you talking about Tricia Shearer?

Phil knows she needs help, but he's done absolutely nothing.

Is he with her now, do you know?

Probably. And that's where he's staying as far as I'm concerned.

Your mead, sir.

Ta.

I thank you, fair maiden.

Tell me more of your brave exploits in battle.

I told you about Letherbridge Castle.

But you were a sellsword, you must have fought in many wars?

Oh, yeah. All over the land.

I've killed many men, stood sieges, ransacked castles.

Your hands are rough, a fighter's hands. Not a lover's.

I have enjoyed the spoils of war.

So you admit you have lain with many women?

(You admit you have lain with many women.)

Oh...pfft. Countless.

And loved them then left them, I bet, you brute?

I'm a soldier first.

More mead, sir?

I wouldn't say no.

SHE GASPS

What the hell have you done to me?!

Phil! No! No! Phil! Wait!

Phil! Please. Listen to me... Listen to me, Phil!

Please. Listen to me, Phil!

-Enough! I'm done! You need help!

-SHE SHOUTS AND SOBS

Do you hear me? You're sick!

SHE WAILS

No, Phil. I had to. I had to. Listen to me, please!

Coffee?

Mm, yeah.

How's it going?

Been better.

Can I run something by you?

Why ask? You're going to anyway.

HE CHUCKLES

If you had a friend who's girlfriend was having an affair,

what would you do?

I suppose it depends who it is.

No-one you know. I barely know them.

So why do you care?

Just curious.

-So this is random, idle speculation?

-Basically, yeah.

Well, in that case, you've come to the right man.

It's recently been made crystal clear to me that most women,

I want to be fair,

most woman are horrifically, horribly superficial.

Ergo, it follows that all relationships -

those based on what the modern world likes to call romantic love -

-are inevitably doomed.

-Right.

Especially those fools who made it legal and got married.

On that point, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case.

You still haven't told me what you'd do.

Nada. Nothing. No action needs to be taken.

-Really?

-Mmm.

OK...

Did you put sugar in that?

No.

PHONE RINGS

Eleanor, it's me. Ignore those texts!

I didn't send them, I swear. I've been...

Oh, look... I'll explain when I see you.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-I'm coming straight to you now.

I'll try you again in a bit. Bye.

Hi there, you must be Phil?

I'm Dr Granger from the Campus Surgery. Is your mum home?

-Why?

-Can I come in?

I was just leaving.

Actually, I'm a bit concerned about her.

Yeah, well you should be. She's lost the plot.

-What do you mean?

-She doped me up with something!

-What?

-Locked me in my bedroom.

Where is she now?

I can't do this anymore. I've had it with her.

If she thinks this is going to stop me...

Please. Just calm down. Try and explain.

-I haven't got time for this!

-Phil, where is your mum now?

Getting a taste of her own medicine.

ENGLISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

Don't get me wrong,

the battle re-enactment stuff is good fun but...

-I am Matilda. She's part of me.

-No...

No, I get that, it's just...

Edmund, give yourself up to it. Live this world.

It's so much richer together, we can be more intense.

-Intense?

-Don't divide us. Be strong. For me.

You swore a vow, remember.

Prove yourself and I will...reward you.

I am still yours to command, milady.

So, Sir Edmund, do you swear again your fealty to me?

To the last drop of my blood.

And do you long for the favours that only I can bestow?

Oh, I do. I definitely do.

Tricia! Tricia! It's Dr Granger.

Tricia, did you take all of these? Can you hear me?

Tricia? Can you talk to me?

It's Dr Granger...

SHE MOANS

-Sorry, I'm so sorry.

-It's all right.

I don't want to be alone.

You're not alone. I'm here with you now.

He's gone. I've lost him now.

Just keep talking. Come on. Ambulance, please.

I think she's taken an overdose.

Yeah, it's Dr Granger from the Campus Surgery

Phil? Can you try and talk to her while I'm on the phone?

Yes. I'm with a patient in her home...

Phil?

-I have to go.

-Phil! Wait!

ENGLISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

It's time to reward your loyalty.

I want you, Edmund...

Barry! My name is Barry!

MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS

I'm not Edmund. I don't want to be Edmund.

I'm Barry Norman Biglow. Third Head in Charge of Security...

at Letherbridge University Campus.

And I'm proud of it.

I love my job.

It's who I am. I am a good person.

I like books, dogs, walking, a bit of gardening

and a good chat every now and then.

I really like you but I want to be completely honest here.

I'm not really looking for some fantasy world medieval relationship.

If you're prepared to like me for who I am,

then we might have some future together.

If not, then we best end this here.

So what do you say...

is the door open or is it closed?

ENGINE RUNS

Station, please.

Eleanor!

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Phil... Phil!

It's all right, Tricia. You're in good hands now.

He's gone. He's gone.

Keep breathing. That's it. Nice deep breaths.

SHE SOBS

That's it. Nice and deep.

I didn't think I'd ever get you here.

Nor did I.

I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

You've got a lifetime to make it up to me now, anyway.

-I love you.

-I love you too.

-Bye, Mr Fox.

-Thanks.

You made it then. Congratulations.

Thanks.

I'm sorry. I didn't have any choice.

I couldn't let Eleanor down.

I just wanted to know how my mum is.

She's been admitted to St Phil's. She's going to be fine

but they're keeping her there for observation for a while.

What's going to happen to her?

I suspect she will probably be sectioned. She clearly needs help.

It's going to take time but your support will matter.

Just being there for her.

I have been there. Too much and for too long.

-It must have been tough, but...

-I can't prop her up forever.

I'm going to be a dad.

I've just got married. I have other responsibilities now.

Yes, I understand that.

Maybe this stay in hospital will give you a bit of a break

and then after that you can...?

Maybe. I...I don't know.

Phil, no matter how over-dependent your mother has become on you,

it's really important that she knows she hasn't lost you.

She must have been feeling pretty desperate to do what

she did today, right?

Just give yourself some time, think about it.

We're going to stay with Eleanor's mum and dad in Edinburgh.

With the baby coming, it'll be good for us

to be with family who can...help.

Anyway, thanks...for what you did.

If you see her, can you tell her...

Tell her I'll call.

Phew. That felt like a long day.

Not rushing off for a hot date tonight then?

Hot bath, maybe.

Oh, hi. Perfect timing.

-Ready?

-More than. You OK?

Yeah, why?

Turn that frown upside down.

Had a difficult case today. Not sure I handled it too well.

It's a battlefield out there. You win some...

Come on, you're a good doctor. Give yourself a break.

-Let's go.

-Just got to get something from my room. One sec.

It's my husband.

He's smuggling immigrants into the country!

You think I don't know your dirty secret!?

-What you on about?

-I saw that foreign fella climbing out of your truck.

You always travel alone?

No. I've got a truck-load of Camembert to keep me company.

Your test results.

C'mon! Tell me what I already know!

Oh.