Exposed Doctors

Morning, boss.

Good morning, Dr Clay.

I see you have a new toy.

Yeah, just getting to grips with it.

Oh, it's a little windswept.

If I'd known that I was going to be on Candid Camera...

Oh, don't worry, I'm just messing around.

I'm planning to do a few more formal ones for the website.

I think it needs updating.

That was on Mr Bellamy's to-do list.

Perhaps we should honour his wishes.

Absolutely. Have you got time now?

How long will it take?

I'll set up a key light. Maybe ten minutes.

LETTERBOX RATTLES

SHE GROANS

SHE GROANS

SHE EXHALES

Oh!

Oh, thank you.

Hmm.

Really? "Immaculate Interiors."

-Don't say it.

-Don't say what?

-The house is a mess.

-Oh, is it? I hadn't noticed.

I've been too busy reading your Procrastinator's Monthly.

Or your Male Chauvinist Pig Magazine.

Did I say I expected you to tidy it up?

Oh, just let me bask in my domestic squalor for a few more minutes.

Bask away.

You're invited, too.

I've left the eggs boiling.

Oh, let them boil.

OK, if you say so.

SHE GIGGLES

I thought you had already done that.

I'm just making small adjustments, little increments.

I'm painting with light.

You certainly have taken to this new hobby with great enthusiasm.

Instant results, isn't it? It's instant gratification.

Sometimes not always so instant.

You do realise that we open in five minutes?

Yeah, just try and relax. Relax your shoulders.

And smile.

Naturally.

-Yeah, OK, scrap that.

-Oh.

-Try not to look too happy...

-Oh.

..or too professional.

Just think.

Think? Think about what?

Erm, what makes you happiest?

Family, work, friends, charity.

It's OK, you don't have to pick one.

Any, and you don't have to tell me.

-All right, just think.

-Yep.

Very well, then.

Oh, please.

Mrs Marsh?!

DOORBELL RINGS

Mrs Marsh?!

DOORBELL RINGS

-KNOCK ON WINDOW

-It's Hutch.

Just checking you're all right.

I'll call back later.

SHE EXHALES

I can see you, Mrs Marsh.

SHE GASPS

You're not trying to avoid me, are you?

Do you want to let us in?

SHE EXHALES

That wasn't very nice, was it?

You wouldn't want to hurt my feelings, would you?

Shall I make us both a nice cup of tea?

SHE EXHALES

Why, thank you, Dr Clay.

You definitely captured... something.

Yeah.

You know, I spend my days sending e-mails and transferring

data from one place to another

and I never get to see the end result.

Maybe you need a special project.

-Something that's achievable.

-Hmm. Maybe.

But what?

Hard as rock.

What is?

The egg yolk.

PHONE RINGS

-Are you going to get that?

-M-hm.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

How are you?

Yes, no, I'm fine, thank you, yeah.

Yes, I heard about that.

Well done.

Oh, today, is it?

Right, OK. No, no, that'd be great.

Nice to see you.

I'm in all day.

No. Yeah, me, too. Can't wait.

OK, bye.

Tell me it that's not Auntie Ag.

No, that was Mo.

My little cousin Mo, Auntie Jean's girl.

Maureen?

-Yes. Did I not tell you?

-No.

She's got a new job in Letherbridge. She's going to pop by later.

Pop by. What does that mean? For dinner?

I don't know, maybe. Let's play it by ear, shall we?

-Rob! The house is a tip.

-So what?! It's only Mo.

She'll be no bother.

Arnold. Yeah, he looks like an Arnold to me.

There you go.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Such a worthy cause.

It is especially important at this time of year that we

reach out to people who are less fortunate than ourselves.

These are all on the system. Would you like me to file

-the originals in your office?

-Oh, no, no, no. I will do it.

I am sure that the practice can do a little bit more for our sick

patients, and their loved ones. Do you not think?

Yes, of course. Like what?

Well, maybe a charitable project

or something that will raise funds.

And also awareness.

That's bone china, isn't it?

Should maybe think about flogging it

if you're as skint as you say you are.

My mum had something similar.

My dad flogged it about a week after she died.

He got 60 quid for it, as it goes, but he blew it on a horse.

A dead cert, 12 to one.

Daft old sod. He should be in a home, really.

But who'd pay for that? Muggins here, that's who.

But how can I pay when my punters don't pay up?

I mean, most builders would ask for something up front. Not me.

Oh, no, I'm old-fashioned enough to trust people,

take them at their word.

I have paid you.

You what?

I've given you thousands of pounds.

I've given you all I have.

You've paid something, but not enough.

Yeah, OK. Now with the Lapsang.

Right, and just lift the cup slowly to your lips

and gently take a sip.

Are we done? I'm beginning to feel like Kate Moss.

Yeah, I think I've managed to capture your unique personality.

-Eh, do you not have any patients, Dr Clay?

-Cancellation.

-Just seizing the moment.

-Indeed.

Back to the coalface.

There's almost £25. I counted it earlier.

It just about covers today's petrol, nothing more.

Well, it's all I've got.

I transferred all the money from my savings account.

I can show you the book.

If I'd known the work was going to cost this much,

I would never have gone along with it.

Yeah, well, I did tell you how much it would be. Don't you remember?

No, I don't.

So your forgetfulness, that's my fault, is it?

You told me how much the driveway would be before all the add-ons.

But the roof...

I mean, I thought you were fixing the roof tiles as a sort of favour.

What, so I'm a charity, am I?

No, but it's just...

Look, I'm not sure how much you did up there.

It's not as if I could check the roof tiles personally.

So, what, now I'm a liar as well?

I never lifted a finger. All those slabs that I dug up,

fitted with top-of-the-range replacements.

What was that, your bifocals playing up?

No. I mean, the driveway, that's different.

I can't deny the work's been done.

Oh, well, thanks very much.

But I had no idea why it should cost so much money.

What about your pension? Where does that go?

It's paid direct into my account.

But I've already...

Current account is it?

Yes.

Where's your debit card?

-In there.

-In here?

Come on, then. We're going to go for a little drive.

You know, all of these should just be digital files.

Jimmi, no! You are not stealing my soul.

Come on, your soul's already been stolen.

Anyway, what's the problem? Is it just a bad hair day, or something?

Yeah, that's it, bad hair day!

One more for the photoshopping this evening.

All right, go on then. Too late.

-Oh, come on.

-You had your chance.

Al?!

What if they ask me what I want all this cash for?

-They won't.

-No?

And if they do, I don't know, just say you fancied a flutter

on the roulette wheel, I don't know.

No, I'm joking. You've nothing to worry about. It's simple.

Just ask for the cash, pop it in your purse and meet me back here.

Oh, and while you're in there, ask for

a balance on the paper, will you? Have you got that?

Yes. Yes, I think so.

Attagirl.

Well, come on, then. Hop to it.

Stop it. There's no need to bust a gut.

-It's only Mo.

-"Only Mo."

What, the one who turned her nose up at my home cooking

and then complained about the state of the bathroom?

I remember that little madam.

Yeah, well, she gets that from her mother.

Whenever Auntie Jean came to our house, she'd always find some dust

to run her finger through. I think it's what she lived for.

Rob! Not helping.

Don't panic. I'm sure Mo's chilled out by now.

She must be what 33, 34?

Yeah, the exact replica of her mum by now. Terrifying!

-Oh, yeah.

-Don't leave it all to me.

That loo needs a bit of a scrub round.

About time.

SHE GROANS

Well?

There's £500.

She said it took me up to the limit of my overdraft.

When does your pension go in? Start of the month?

I'm not sure when I'll eat again. I mean, my cupboards are bare.

Beans on toast should see you through. Here you are.

Did you manage to get a balance?

-Erm...

-That's it.

Come on, I'll take you home, no extra cost.

I'd sooner walk, thank you.

Don't be daft, it's over a mile.

I can manage it. I'd like to see someone on my way home.

-Who?

-Sorry?

Who do you want to see?

My husband.

I thought you were a widow.

I am. I haven't seen Ron in a long time.

His grave, I mean.

Look, say what you like to the dead,

-just watch what you say to the living.

-Oh, you're a terrible man.

SHE GROANS

For most people, a hobby is a way of relaxing or fun.

Yeah, no, Redbush, please.

But for Dr Clay, it is all-consuming.

It's a useful distraction from that disaster of a personal life of his.

Well, I hope it is not distracting him from his patients.

In a few weeks he'll have forgotten about it,

he'll have moved on to something else. By which time you'll

have gotten yourself some shiny new photographs for the website.

Well, perhaps we could put his obsession to more charitable use.

For example, if we got our patients to donate £5-10

and for that they would get a beautiful portrait photograph.

Oh, what? Like their favourite wart before it got frozen off?

Yes... Well, perhaps we should just use it for the children.

Yeah, who doesn't want a photograph of their vomiting four-year-old?

Two sugars, please.

DOORBELL RINGS

Here we go!

-Hey, the gaffer!

-Hello, come in, come in!

Ta. Nice place.

You've done all right for yourself, eh?

Yeah, you remember Karen, don't you?

Of course I do. All right, Kazza?!

I'm dying for the lav.

Up here, is it?

-Yeah, first on the left.

-All right, ta.

A calendar!

We could produce a calendar for charity.

Dr Clay could do the photographs.

Dr Haskey, you could do the graphics.

Mrs Hollins will be point of sale.

And for each month, a different member of staff.

It's for charity!

Well, I suppose it could work. But you'd have to have a theme.

Yeah, like Calendar Girls. No, wait, I've got it,

-Calendar Guys! Oh, yeah!

-That's it!

Come on, lads, I'm sure we can sort you out with some, you know,

cherry bakewells placed strategically.

Yeah, well, I'll be behind the camera.

So, it'll be down to Al, Daniel and Heston.

They can get four months each.

Yeah, I'm sure the Chippendales are quaking into their budgie smugglers.

-Who would pay good money for that?

-Curiosity.

I have a much more salubrious idea, The 12 Days of Christmas.

# Ding, dong Merrily on high... #

Sorry, isn't that a bit weird?

Thinking about partridges and turtle doves in July?

She's right, it's too season-specific.

Yeah, and too religious. It should be nicely secular.

How about we do a darts-themed calendar?

THEY GROAN

No, hear me out. You throw a dart at your favourite

healthcare professional.

Bull's-eye, right in Daniel's eye!

Our patients would love that.

Oh, there you are!

Oh, I'm so sorry about the flowers.

I'm not any good on my own, am I?

I miss you so much.

What about an arts-and-crafty calendar?

Give it some extra value.

Yeah, we could throw in a few knitting patterns.

I was thinking more...origami?

Yeah, Heston would look really good as a Chinese Lantern.

We could do a little version for the kids.

They could make paper aeroplanes out of us.

We could have another contest.

I have neglected the church's flower rota.

So I will leave it in your capable hands.

I know! Why don't we all dress up?!

You know, as lookalikes.

Hm?

Well, yes. I'm all for improving work protocols.

What is it you wanted to know, exactly?

Your thoughts, your ideas.

Obviously it's important that the relationship is efficient,

but is also needs to be harmonious.

Right.

The midwife-mother relationship is a very...

I meant the midwife-GP relationship.

Right.

I know we're breaking new ground,

but it's important to have ongoing dialogue.

-And I'd like to start that dialogue.

-Now?

Well, no, not now. I know you're busy.

But maybe tomorrow?

Yeah, fine.

-Is something wrong?

-No, yes...

Well, frankly I'm quite surprised that you're even suggesting it,

considering how scathing you were about midwifery.

Scathing?! I wasn't scathing!

Yes, you were.

I've got myself into a terrible mess.

This man, Hutch...

He seemed so nice at first.

Mrs Marsh.

SHE GASPS

Oh, I am so sorry! I did not mean to alarm you.

Are you all right?

Yes. It's just that I miss him so much, that's all.

Look, I mustn't keep you. I know you are very busy.

You look a little tired.

Have you been on your feet for long?

About an hour or so.

I don't remember it as being such a long walk.

What, from home?

From the high street. I needed to go to the bank.

Oh, well, perhaps you would like to sit down for a little while.

-I could make you a nice cup of tea.

-No, no, no.

I need to go home, if it's all the same with you?

SHE GROANS

-Yeah, you're Fred Flintstone!

-You're Barney Rubble.

Wilma.

Oh, Ayesha could be Jessica Rabbit, because she's a dead ringer!

-What?

-No, I don't think cartoons are the way to go.

Lookalikes, yes, but I think we should stick to real people.

Icons, then. There's our theme.

Heston is a shoo-in for Winston Churchill.

So Ayesha could be Rihanna and you could be Henry VIII.

-I would love that.

-What are you going on about?

We're going to do a calendar. Jimmi's going to do the photos

and the rest of us are going to dress up as icons.

-That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

-It's for charity, mate!

You seem to think that I'm anti-midwife,

when nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Actually, this was Daniel's initiative,

but he's busy with partner stuff, so I thought I'd take the lead.

I see.

So, we'll reconvene tomorrow, eight o'clock, my place.

Your place? Why not here?

Well, it's hardly conducive, is it?

Conducive to what?

Discussion, debate...

fuelled by light nibbles and canapes.

Yeah, all right. But, please, don't go to any trouble.

No, I wouldn't dream of it.

God, you two must rattle round here.

You could do with a couple more bodies warming up the place.

Well, Jack and Immie will be back for Christmas soon, so...

Would you like some salad with your lasagne?

Oh, God, no scran for me, ta.

Just a liquid lunch, is it?

I had a couple of bacon butties on t'train.

There you are, grab yourself a brew.

I brought some of the local stuff with me.

-Oh, good girl!

-Kazza?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm guessing this is a no-smoking gaff?

Yeah, garden job.

I'll get you a little bowl so you can put your butts in.

Hey, while you're down there, you could get the cleaning fluid

out and have a pop at the mud on the stairs?

Yes, right. Mo?

Well, thank you for letting me pop round.

Nothing soothes the mind like a nice cup of tea.

Thank you.

I noticed that your cupboards were a little understocked.

Would you like me to go and buy some essentials from the corner shop?

Oh, no, no. I do a big shop on pension day.

I can wait till then.

Oh, I see that you are an Agatha Christie fan.

Oh, yes. I read them again and again.

Terrible things occur and, yet, there is

something very comforting about her stories.

I have not read this one.

Oh, it's one of her best. You should borrow it.

Oh, thank you, I will.

It is a wonderful escapism.

But it does not truly reflect the reality of crime,

which can be quite brutal and upsetting.

So, do you have many friends in the neighbourhood?

Well, not really.

We got on very well with the family next door,

but they moved back to Lancashire.

That was not long after Ron died.

And what about Hutch?

Pardon?

It's just that when you were at your husband's grave

you mentioned someone called Hutch.

Is he a friend of yours?

That's right, she did! No, she did!

Karen, can you remember

when Aunty Jean was brushing the dandruff off the vicar's shoulders?!

Eh, do you remember the heckles at the wedding breakfast?

-Oh, eh!

-Oh, God, best man didn't have a chance, did he?

A force of nature, your mother.

-I tell you what, it's a wonder I turned out so normal!

-I know.

-Fancy another?

-I do, yeah.

-Tell you what, though, they go right

-through you these, don't they?

-They do.

-Hang on, be back in two shakes.

-Yeah.

I may as well take my bags up while I'm at it.

-Which one's the Presidential Suite?

-Opposite the bathroom.

I thought you said she was just popping by?

What? She's got nowhere else to go, has she?

Anyway, she's family.

I don't care if she's Tiny Tim, she's not stopping here.

It's only for one night.

Anyway, it's too late to go and find a hotel room now.

Are you saying she hasn't even started looking for digs?

This is her flipping plan, isn't it?

You know, get you drunk so you're too stupid to send her packing.

She's a good kid.

She's probably just a little bit nervous about seeing us again.

"Nervous?!" She's about as nervous as a Rottweiler.

I'd rather have her mum stopping. At least she's house-broken.

He did the driveway.

It was in a terrible state, I didn't want the postman having an accident.

So you did not ask him to do the work, he suggested it?

Well, the amount he quoted at the very beginning,

well, it was quite reasonable.

But after he'd started the work,

he kept mentioning all these extra things.

And when he told me the final figure,

oh, I nearly fainted.

Have you paid him already?

Well, I've paid him all I can. He says it's not enough.

How much does he want?

Another £5,000 plus interest.

This man is a criminal.

You owe him nothing.

On the contrary...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Mrs Marsh, it's me again.

Are you all right?

Well, that's him.

Right, well perhaps if I speak to him.

If he knows that you are not alone...

No, no, you mustn't get involved.

Oh, you don't know what he's capable of.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mrs Marsh?

You OK, Mrs Marsh? Bit worried about you earlier.

Look, if I don't answer, he'll come in the back door.

Right, all right.

Oh, you've made yourself at home.

Oh, this mattress is dead comfy. There's no lumps.

No, it's brand-new.

My one back in Donny is a right shambles.

Mind you, it's seen a fair bit of action.

If mattresses could talk, eh?

Yeah, that's daft.

Why would a mattress talk?

The thing is, Mo, me and Rob, we're not party people.

It's early to bed, early to rise.

We don't want you to feel bored.

Oh, don't worry about me, Kazza. You won't cramp my style.

What with t'new job, I'll be in bed by two.

Two?

Ah, just joking you! Midnight, tops.

Oh, I really appreciate this.

Our Rob always said you were a gem.

I bet you're a right giggle, you, eh? When you let your hair down.

I have my moments.

Oh, come here.

I think I'm going to like it here.

Mrs Marsh?!

I'm Mo, by the way.

Hi, I'm Al. I work with Karen.

-Please don't go to any trouble.

-It's fine, I'll see you at seven.

Hello!

Oh, it's work related. Partly.

This man is a dangerous criminal.

Oh, Karen. No!

A five!

-I thought you had heart.

-I do, but I play bridge with my head.

-Oh!