Right in Two Doctors

I was kind of expecting a rabbit in a hat,

but what's all the devils about?

We have health and safety to consider.

We cannot have devils and rabbits running all over the surgery.

It's just for show,

it's going to be handkerchiefs and them two ring things.

The mysterious Alphonse The Amazing,

who so ever he may be,

is not going to be drawn into revealing anything

about that spellbinding performance.

Oh, give over. It's you in a Lone Ranger mask.

Oh, hello.

Is that...?

Oh, wow.

Go on. Give us a clue.

Is there any fire-eating? I love that.

I'm sorry, but Alphonse insists upon total mystery.

It's his lifeblood. The theatre of wonder,

the greatest show on earth must remain a complete secret.

I'm going to get sawn in half.

Oh, for...

Oi!

KAREN GIGGLES

Mrs Tembe.

Dr Granger. You look, you look very healthy.

Thank you. I didn't think cycling was your bag.

I was buying a new bike for Joe,

saw a decent deal and thought,

well, Zara's got her shoes, so you can have your wheels.

Great stuff. Let's see it, then. Bring it in.

I do not think the reception is a very hygienic place to bring a bike.

Good point. We'll be quick. Staffroom? Yeah.

Mr Harker, while...

I have you here, could you sign the infant vaccination?

Absolutely. Don't let me forget.

Lovely Valerie, how are we today? VALERIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

You OK?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

That's close enough.

Excuse me? I'm on strict orders today,

no-one's to get in or out without her say so. And you are?

That's what I should be asking you.

Is Miss Phelps in? I can't say.

COUGHING FROM INSIDE

Who are you gossiping with?

Stop idling.

Miss Phelps? It's Dr Reid. We have an appointment.

Well, let her in, you fool.

And if I see another inch of your bottom,

I'm going to stick a knitting needle in it.

Sorry. Um, good morning.

Good morning.

What are you waiting for? A written invitation? Come on, come in. Chop chop.

MEREDITH COUGHS

Really light and down from eight to five and half.

Mm, nice entry level bike.

Well, I did my research. It's top five across the board.

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. You've got yourself a bargain.

Shame to only use it for the commute.

What's this? Boys and their toys.

Of course, it's about so much more than just the gear, isn't it?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Ugh. What is it with men and measuring contests?

Well, if they are measuring, my money is on Dr Granger.

Yeah, good thickness. What's the grip like?

BICYCLE BELL RINGS Ugh, I'm out. Me too.

It's the, er, it's the gears that sold it to me.

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Nice bell.

KAREN LAUGHS

This is neat.

I feel like I've missed my calling in life, you know.

I did actually once get to try it out.

It was my eighth birthday.

I was invited to go up on stage with Sonny Earle,

who I'd seen on that talent contest with...thingy.

He called me his little angel

and he made a dove fly out my dungarees.

Have you been practising? Rehearsing?

La, la, la, la, la.

Magic.

La, la, la, la, la. Ooh, magic.

Is that it?

Well, it works for Debbie McGee.

Oh, come on, Valerie.

You're a big part of the show, you're the misdirection,

the flash, the flair.

Don't you worry.

Al and I have been at it all night.

Watch this.

Oh! VALERIE CLEARS HER THROAT

Ah!

Ooh!

Pick a card. Any card. Not that one!

VALERIE LAUGHS I'm only joking!

Stage persona, silly.

Mm?

Now look at it, but don't tell me what it is.

And back in the pack it goes.

Oh, so, what was your card, Karen?

Where's your card? Where is it?

The mystery, the suspense!

Now, if you'd just like to pass me that envelope

that's right behind you, Karen.

No way! You didn't.

Ah...

You didn't. Um...

Oh, all right.

Oh...

VALERIE SIGHS

All right, now, apart from your cough,

is there anything else troubling you?

Yes, her next door.

She comes outside to smoke,

her mobile phone playing music, I can hear it in the bath.

And then there's the radio, and that's not just the awful songs,

but some idiot who insists on talking in between them.

I was thinking more about fatigue, you know, aches and pains?

She is a pain.

MEREDITH COUGHS

Sorry. Miss Phelps, I'm having trouble fitting this,

are you sure you want this one? Is that the chain? Yep.

Then you'll fit it and put your back into it.

I hope you don't mind me asking...

It's not rocket science.

That bit goes on the left and that bit goes on the right,

and I do not pay you to muddy up my Parkay.

MEREDITH COUGHS

Miss Phelps, I know you don't like leaving the house,

but why don't you come to the Mill? I can review your care plan...

Stop fussing, woman!

I have to be in. He'll be back any day now.

Who'll be back?

Here you go, Jimmi. Mm.

Do not touch.

Ah.

It's a bit Sooty and Sweep, isn't it? I couldn't cut butter with that.

It's kind of a good thing, though. When Valerie said she was being sawn in half, I was a bit worried.

We don't want it dangerous, do we? I said, don't touch.

Where did you get this stuff?

I rented it from my mate, the legendary Tony Kevitch.

Well, that's one trick he's done, isn't it?

What? Disappearing with all your money!

THEY LAUGH Yeah, very funny.

Anyway, it's not about the tools, it's about the technique.

The Amazing Alphonse...

The posters say, "Alphonse The Amazing."

Yeah, that's what I said.

Alphonse The Amazing learned all his techniques

from the finest gurus, shamans

and grand wizards from here to Shangri-La.

Otherwise known as the internet. THEY GIGGLE

This saw is the perfect weight

and the perfect balance for the job at hand.

Look at that. That is diamond-sharpened.

Why have you still got that?

What? We talked about this. Bin it.

It's worked for 20 years.

I want fear, Al.

I want danger.

I want to live on the edge.

Daredevil spectacle.

Yeah, health and safety.

Up your game.

JIMMI WHEEZES AND GIGGLES

Do you think it will work?

We want them to feel like they

are on a journey into the unknown.

One where anything can happen,

so if we really ramp up the tension from the start,

we'll have them in the palm of our hands.

Mm. That sounds like a lot of effort.

I just want to get sawn in half.

Yeah, but you want it to last, don't you?

you want it to endure.

You want them, every time they hear the word "magic",

to think of you. Yeah. Yes, I do.

Let's do it.

That's my girl. You ready?

Wait. I want to do this method. VALERIE CLEARS HER THROAT

Ah. OK. Stick to the script, no ad-libbing.

You, you and your ridiculous saw!

Nobody's going to be impressed by that!

No-one's going to be impressed with you or your stupid hat if we don't produce some real magic!

You can't talk to me like that!

Oh, Valerie! Don't try and cash in your cancer credit with me.

You roped me into this,

now pull your weight, or I will walk! Me pull my weight?

What about you and your supposedly legendary box

that looks like it came out of a skip!

Don't! That box is the star of this show!

How dare you!

Do not slam my door!

Why are we hiding?

Auntie Meredith? Are you in?

Auntie?

I've got to get ready for basketball practice.

MEREDITH COUGHS

Have you fallen?

Are you OK?

Hang on, I think Mum gave me a spare key.

Er...

Don't worry, I'll call an ambulance.

No, you won't!

Aunt Meredith?

What's going on?

I told you before, I'm not leaving!

I'm not trying to throw you out. Shoo!

I think maybe you should talk to her.

There's obviously been some confusion.

Don't you start!

Can someone just please let me in?

Right.

What are you doing? I'm going to call Mum.

Right, that's it.

YASMIN YELPS

That was meant to be a warning shot.

Why didn't you move, you twit?

Are you OK?

I think so.

My hair seems to have taken most of the hit.

Are you really just her niece? What's this all about?

I have no idea.

Come on. Let's get you inside.

Why's she throwing potted plants at her niece?

I've no idea, but I'd like to find out.

Ooh, so, when are you going to put her to the test?

Well, there's no immediate rush.

Of course not.

If I was you, I'd be aching to see what she can do, but...

one step at a time.

Yeah.

Yeah... Well, I suppose I could take her out for a spin at lunchtime.

Exactly!

The morning commute's one thing, but you want to use all those gears you paid for, don't you?

Get a simple circuit under your belt.

Put her through the paces. Any recommendations?

You could go along Greenbank,

up to Rampley Mount, back via Dukesfield.

That should be enough to get you started.

Er... Yeah, well.

I suppose I better get warmed up, If I'm going to...

Hm! That's the spirit. Yeah...

It looks like you've had a lucky escape.

Thick skull. I think it runs in the family.

It's a nice skull.

Right, what I would like to know is

why is this place like Fort Knox,

and why are you throwing potted plants at your niece's head?

She's trying to do my sister's dirty work.

They think I'm mad.

Trying to oust me from my home.

Mum was worried that

Auntie Meredith doesn't ever leave the house.

I'm up here for work, so I thought I'd come and check in on her.

I came by a few days ago and she was all shut in

and it got me worried.

Miss Phelps, we're all worried.

I just want to help, and clearly that's all Yasmin wants to do.

Me too, I'd like to help. I don't need help.

I don't want help cooking, or cleaning or climbing the stairs.

There's plenty of life left in me.

One little cough and you all circle like vultures.

Look, it's not that simple.

When was the last time you socialised?

Well, I talk to this idiot.

It's not just your physical health that's at risk.

I am NOT mad!

I'll tell you what is mad,

sitting in bingo halls.

And feeding pigeons, and going to salsa classes!

All there is out there is more idiots.

You can't keep waiting in.

You need to let go.

Let go of what?

All right, that's it. Out. Out. All of you.

You said to me a while ago

that you were waiting for him to come back.

What did you mean? Hasn't she told you? No.

Get out!

She's waiting in for a dead man.

If anyone needs me, I'm not here. Oh, OK.

Don't mind us. Oh, I've ruined it.

My last chance at stardom.

Oh...

You don't need him,

you're better off without him. Do the show yourself.

How am I going to saw myself in half?

Well, maybe focus on some of the other tricks?

Really?

How about this?

Ha...

Is this your card?

VALERIE SIGHS Yeah, but points for showmanship.

You know, you're really, nearly... Oh...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. He's not dead.

Is your leg giving you trouble?

Let me have a look.

That looks very sore.

How long has it been like that?

That needs to be seen to. No!

Oh, dear.

Right, that's it. Go on, get out, the lot of you.

We're going, but you're coming with us. Come on.

Madam, hold that door, if you will? Thank you.

Hey, Valeria.

You want to live on the edge?

Well, I have got sharp edge and I've got a jagged edge.

Is that enough edge for you?

PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND

How is she?

She's having some tests done, but she's in good hands.

I really didn't mean to upset her so much.

My mum's worried about her

and asked me to check in while I was here.

She was really off the first time I called in on her.

I just wanted to be sure she was OK.

She's like that with everyone. You get used to it.

Yeah, but its not right, is it?

Her locking herself away. It's a shame.

Well, agoraphobia isn't easily overcome.

Especially when you're as resistant to help as Meredith is.

Just, er...

..petal. I mean, um...

Who fancies a tea? I'd love one. Yes, please.

How do you take it? White, no sugar.

Strong and sweet.

I'll try my best. Hm!

THEY GIGGLE

AL: OK, then you get on that. VALERIE: Yeah.

Come on, while it's up. OK, yeah. Is that good?

Move over a bit. Yeah. Yeah! That's it.

OK, now I just.. VALERIE GIGGLES

Go on, then.

Push it in.

All the way. I am, that's as far as it goes. Oh.

CHAINSAW ROARS

I think I've heard enough! Ooh, I've heard too much.

MEREDITH SNORES AND WHEEZES

The looks on your faces.

I'm not that bad, am I?

We were just worried, that's all.

MEREDITH GASPS

Not going to be stuck in here, I hope.

I'll just be outside.

Good to see you, Miss Phelps. Let me know if you need anything.

They'll probably want to keep you in overnight.

No.

No...

I...can't believe you brought me...

I need to get back.

No, no, no. I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in.

At least until we know more.

No.

20 years, I've been there...waiting.

I said I'd keep a candle burning.

I need to get home. Please.

Whatever it is,

it can't be more important than your health.

He is.

Who is, Meredith?

Jacob.

My fiance.

Each night...

I keep a light on for him

to come home to.

I promised.

He took the job...for us.

For our future.

A month away.

Maybe more.

On the rigs.

He was coming home.

All lives lost, they said.

But...

they never knew for sure.

See?

Even you think I've lost the plot.

No.

It's not like that at all.

I miss him.

I'm not mad.

You and my sister can think what you like.

I came by because I wanted to meet you.

I don't really know anyone here.

I was hoping I could just, you know,

spend some time with you.

I've messed up, haven't I?

Made myself worse. MEREDITH GASPS

Right, definitely think about electronic gears.

This is adding up, you know.

But think of the money you saved on the bike.

It evens out, right?

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

The infant vaccination documents.

Oh, at last. I was going to chase you up for those.

Could you get these faxed over, ASAP?

They are waiting for you in reception.

Done.

NOW you've got a bike.

MRS TEMBE SIGHS

Is everything OK?

Yes. Yes, everything is fine.

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: A Kind Of Magic by Queen

# One dream, one soul

# One prize, one goal...

# One golden glance

# Of what should be

# It's a kind of magic

# One shaft of light...

Whoo!

# That shows the way

# No mortal man

# Can win this day

# It's a kind of magic...

# The bell that rings

LAUGHTER

# Inside your mind

# Is challenging

# The doors of time WHOOPING

# It's a kind of magic

# The waiting seems...

# Eternity... APPLAUSE

Don't mind if I do.

Cheers.

LAUGHTER

# Is this...

AL CHOKES

# It's a kind of magic

# There can be only one

APPLAUSE

WHOOPING

# This rage that lasts

# A thousand years

APPLAUSE # Will soon be done... #

WHISTLING

Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

I must ask, if any of you are of a weak or nervous condition,

that you now leave the room.

Alphonse The Amazing and Valeria

cannot be responsible for what happens next.

ALL: Ooh!

Very well.

Without further ado, may I present to you

the rarest of magical antiquities,

handed down to Houdini himself,

by the ancient conjurers of Timbuktu.

Feast your eyes upon The Cabinet...

Of Doom!

DRUMROLL AND APPLAUSE

Right, well...

you've got a severe chest infection,

so they're going to keep you in overnight for observation

and give you some antibiotics.

But the swelling in your leg, well, that's just down to inactivity.

You're simply not getting about enough.

Anything else?

It's good news, Auntie.

When you're ready,

we'll talk about how to get you moving a bit more.

But I promise you,

there will be no salsa classes, and no bingo.

Really?

Ah. I thought I'd feel something.

That I'd know when he'd gone.

Something just switches and tells you.

But no...

No. Even now,

I think, you know, the phone, the door...

it's him.

With a bunch of daffs that he's nicked from the park.

I know we got off to a bit of a bad start...

Mm? ..but, if you want someone to light that candle,

just for tonight, while you're here,

only if you want someone to.

Oh, that's kind of you.

Thank you.

I'll be back in the morning, OK?

I'm sorry...

..that I threw the pot plant at you.

Heading back? Yeah.

You probably need a lift there, right?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Thanks.

Sorry I keep burdening you like this.

It's my pleasure. Well, I mean...

I don't mind. No problem.

BOTH: So...

Ladies first.

Well, I wasn't... It was, er...

Do you like pizza? It's literally my favourite food.

Really? Is that stupid?

No, no. I know a brill place. My treat.

You sure?

Well, it's brill for Letherbridge.

I've probably over-sold it now.

You get unlimited fizzy drinks. You can mix them at the machine,

if you like that sort of thing.

It sounds perfect.

Well, if we get there before seven, you get the garlic bread for free.

Lead the way.

MEREDITH GASPS

It's a precious thing, isn't it?

Yes.

You too?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentleman, we have reached the denouement

of the greatest show on earth.

The part where I, The Amazing Alfonse...

Alfonse The Amazing. Yeah, whatever.

..where I shall cut my glamorous assistant Valeria...

Hello! Hello! Say hello to Valeria.

..into roughly equal size parts, using...a chainsaw!

CHAINSAW ROARS AND WHOOPING

Now, unfortunately,

health and safety dictates that I must ask you,

is there a doctor in the house?

LAUGHTER

We laugh, but...but I'm serious.

What you are about to see

will chill your very blood.

Ladies and gentlemen...

DRUMROLL

..The Cabinet Of Doom.

ALL: Ooh!

Ooh!

With the first blade,

I cut her...in twain.

VALERIE SCREAMS Oh!

VALERIE LAUGHS

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

LAUGHTER

With the second bl... VALERIE LAUGHS

Valerie...

Valerie, what do you think you're playing at?

Come on. It's just a bit of excitement. But you're spoiling the suspense.

It was getting a bit boring.

Boring? I was about to use a chainsaw! OK. But I just wanted...

Where was I?

With the second blade,

she'll never rise again! ALL: Ooh!

APPLAUSE

Now, where did I put my chainsaw?

Ooh!

Oh, no.

Valerie.

Val, are you all right? That wasn't supposed to happen.

Check that she's all right.

ALL: She's gone.

DRUMROLL

Ta-da!

Is THIS your card?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# It's a kind of magic

# It's a kind of magic

# Magic, magic, magic... #

Your solicitor can tell the court to go stuff it!

Show some common sense, man!

You're a nurse, you're meant to take care of people that are sick.

She's not sick, she's selfish.

She's going to drink herself to death if we just leave her.

No, no, no! Damn it!

Can't leave Adam with him.

Martin!

There's no sign!