Being Witched Doctors

MUSIC: Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac

# Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night

# And wouldn't you love to love her?

# Takes to the sky like a bird in flight

# And who will be her lover?

# All your life you've never seen Woman, taken by the wind

# Would you stay if she promised you heaven?

# Will you ever win?

# She is like a cat in the dark

# And then she is the darkness HE GROANS

# She rules her life like a fine skylark

# And when the sky is starless... #

Come on.

# All your life you've never seen Woman, taken by the wind

# Would you stay if she promised you heaven?

# Will you ever win?

# Will you ever win? #

Still can't let it go?

-I was just...

-This lady just won't give up, will she?

-No! I was just...

-We've got to admire her tenacity.

Once Mrs Tembe sets her mind to something...

We need people to take the little things seriously -

if only to remind us what really matters.

The suggestion box did matter!

So much so, you locked yourself out of it.

Yes, well, we did manage to get it open.

By dropping it from a great height.

Sometimes, you've got to do what you've got to do.

There is a sense of the ridiculous in that solution.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Look at that.

It's for Mum.

If I can get some vitamin C inside her,

she gives herself a fighting chance.

It's a good plan.

No, honestly. She's dead set.

I really think she means it this time.

I have seen it with some patients.

It's like something finally gets through

and they know what they need to do.

Good luck.

Thanks.

This disease-sniffing dog seems like a good idea.

I've seen them on the telly.

They can tell from someone's pee if they're poorly.

All you have to do is line the pee up and they sniff it.

You should show that one to Anthony.

Some of us are trying to work here! Excuse me.

Everything OK?

No, not really.

Do you want to talk about it?

I'm perfectly fine.

Clearly, you're not.

You will not understand.

Try me.

I am being ridiculous.

There is nothing to tell.

Those roadworks have stopped being funny.

I would have been on time today.

You're only a couple of minutes late.

BOY GROANS

My son wants to see a doctor.

OK, let's have a look at you.

I can look after him from here.

Oh, no. I'm coming in too.

You sure?

OK.

Can you tell me exactly where the pain is?

It's just a tummy bug. I'm sure there's nothing you can do.

Well, you never know.

I can't feel any swelling.

-Have you eaten anything unusual?

-Well, of course he hasn't!

My eyes keep going blurry.

I'm feeling really faint and thirsty all the time...

You don't appear to have a fever.

I can take a urine sample and get a couple of general tests done.

No. As I said, it's probably nothing serious.

We can't know that for sure.

You can always take him to A&E and let them check him out

-if you're not happy with me?

-Absolutely not, no. They'll just pump him full of chemicals.

It's far better to let the body take its own natural course -

-expel whatever's upsetting him.

-We need to be sure

there isn't something more serious going on here.

-What do you mean, "serious"?

-Now you're just alarming the poor boy.

I mean, we need to check there aren't any possible underlying causes.

I'd rather just go home.

The pain's not so bad now.

Give me a ring if things don't improve over the next 24 hours, OK?

I can't remember asking for a cup of tea.

-I thought you needed one.

-Oh, thank you.

That man looks very familiar. Do you know who it is?

No. Who is he?

If I knew that, I would not be asking you.

Maybe he's just waiting for someone.

And don't you think I have considered that?

Maybe he's taken a fancy.

-To who?

-You.

-What?

Don't be so ridiculous!

He's only got eyes for you.

Come and sit down, Mum. The film's about to start.

Slightly Scarlet. Think I've seen it before.

Remember all those old films we used to watch together?

When I should've been at school, you mean?

Fun, though, eh?

FILM STARTS

It's getting worse.

Can you get yourself back to the surgery?

I can't get out of bed - it hurts too much.

I think you really need to phone an ambulance, mate.

-You said to call you...

-HE GROANS

'Where's your mum, Zethan?'

I don't know. Please help me.

Zethan?

Hello?

Hello?

I need to head off and see that young lad from earlier.

She's already got to you.

"She"?

-The mother.

-What about her?

She's going to put a spell on you.

She is a white witch.

I thought white witches were supposed to be good?

Not when they've got Munchausen's.

Oh, she's a hospital hopper?

Not confirmed, only suspected by me.

She's been on my radar for a while.

There was always something.

All these symptoms, they got worse and worse...

But there was nothing wrong with her.

I think the husband left and she didn't cope very well.

All I saw was a pushy mother.

You say that, but it's an hour since they were here.

Yet you were already off, chasing her calls.

Actually, it was the son who phoned and he did seem in a pretty bad way.

If I find a toad in your consulting room later,

-I'll know what's happened to you.

-Funny(!)

I'm not going to kiss you back to life!

Can I help you?

I very much hope so.

You will need to come over to the reception desk.

To be perfectly frank, I wanted to catch you, on your own.

-Me?

-I wondered if you were free for lunch today?

Maybe this will explain better.

Please consider it?

-I...

-Trust me.

I am a bearer of good news.

The Icon bar at 2.15?

I'll be there.

So, who is he?

Come on, tell me!

Oh, er... It was nothing.

Is it me, or does Dorothy have a drink in her hand all the time?

Looks like it.

Bad girl, Dorothy - knocks it back all the time.

Saint June tries to save her.

I don't remember any of this.

You sure? Not just trying to make a point, are you?

Mum!

It's never about the good guy struggling with the booze, is it?

It is, sometimes.

It's never about what sets them off in the first place, drinking.

'If I didn't earn money, who'd get you out of trouble?

'And who'd pay off those lovely "friends" of yours

'you seem to attract the way garbage does flies?'

See?

No-one gives a damn what Dorothy's going through.

We'll watch something else.

My baby! Let's see.

She's so grown-up.

She's doing well.

It should be me, tucking her up in bed and reading her stories,

not Tracey.

Bet she wouldn't even remember me now.

Course she would.

-This is all down to you.

-Mum...

It's all your fault.

You messed up my life with your meddling.

It's too late to sort myself out now.

-Think about the future.

-What future?

Don't give in the minute you get a low.

-I NEED a drink.

-No, you don't.

I do!

What about a nice cup of tea, eh?

And stick the heating on, will you? It's freezing in here!

-Who's the dude in the poster?

-My dad.

That's handy, having a superhero for a dad.

He most definitely is not that.

He doesn't live with us anymore.

I don't get to see him.

You really should have discussed it with me before calling the doctor.

It's getting worse, Mum.

HE VOMITS

This is the best thing. He's getting rid of whatever that bug is.

He needs to go to hospital.

-I'm concerned he's becoming more dehydrated.

-No!

-I can get fluids into him.

-Please, Mum!

I'm phoning an ambulance -

and I'm not leaving until I know he's on his way.

I'm as sick as a dog, Eesh.

-I reckon I've got food poisoning.

-It's not that.

Aching muscles, nausea, feeling nervy -

it's all part of the process of getting you well again.

So, I was thinking, maybe we should pamper you a bit, to make it easier.

Tarting my nails isn't going to sort this.

But a massage might help.

Please, Eesh?

A little shot of something and then I'll be OK.

You'll start to feel better in a few days.

I'm a wreck!

Look at me, love!

I've never looked this rough.

We're doing it wrong.

I need a drink to keep me alive.

Come on, Mum. Let's start with your hands, OK?

Jeff Goddard. Practice Manager, King's Green.

But this still does not explain why you have brought me out to lunch.

Because, Mrs Tembe, you are being head-hunted.

We have been trying to recruit an Assistant Practice Manager,

but we couldn't find anyone suitable.

From everything I have heard, you are the ideal candidate.

What do you mean?

Why would you think that?

Anthony Harker tipped us off and gave you glowing references.

He did what?

I am sorry... I had no idea.

-I am not looking...

-I'm sorry, that's a misunderstanding.

Sorry, Mrs Tembe.

Please, at least hear me out.

Mrs Tembe, please.

PHONE KLAXON

AL CACKLES

'I'll get you, my pretty!'

Not funny, Al.

Sorry. How's the boy?

I can't figure out what's going on, so I've sent him to hospital.

Is it all right if I go over there?

Of course, why would I care?

The mum did seem dead set against it, though.

So, we're not talking Munchausen by proxy, then?

She definitely didn't want him to go to St Phil's.

In fact, she was convinced they'd harm him

and she could cure him naturally.

With what? With eye of toad and ear of badger?

Yeah.

In fact, I can't say I'd fancy

any of the weird stuff she was mixing up.

Maybe she's concerned the hospital will find out what she's been up to.

Yeah.

-It's for your own good, love.

-It's gross.

Come on. We need you to get better.

-How are you doing, son?

-OK.

Now...

Does that hurt?

When did you first notice the pain?

-I can't remember.

-What about the sickness?

Well, don't worry. We'll soon get you sorted out.

What medication do you intend giving him?

First, we'll run the usual blood and urine tests

to see if we can locate the source of the problem.

Are all these tests really necessary?

Of course. We don't do them for the fun of it.

I have heard your practice is very patient-focused.

..Which I happen to know fits in very well with your own ethos.

I suppose Mr Harker told you that too?

Not just Anthony. I spoke with Emma Reid.

Really?

I know her from PCT days.

She spoke very highly of you.

Apparently, you're a bit of a catch.

Well, I'm not sure about that.

It is very flattering, of course.

I visited your practice once,

when I was Acting Practice Manager at the Mill Health Centre.

It had a lovely atmosphere and up-to-the-minute facilities.

I noticed that your doctors -

they are in charge of their patient notes,

which I think is very important for continuity of care.

We've worked very hard to achieve that.

You're very observant, Mrs Tembe.

Look, I'll be honest with you, I'm in a bit of a hole.

I've been working without an assistant for a couple of months now

and despite a rigorous ad campaign,

the calibre of the applicants has been...

Oh, right, I see!

And here you are, and you're perfect.

-Mr Goddard ...

-It's an excellent opportunity.

There's plenty of scope for you to shape the role as you want.

It sounds very tempting.

I don't want to be pushy, but it's very frustrating

when I know how good you would be in this job.

And it's a great step for you, career-wise.

I know you're interested, or you have been in the past.

That is true...

So, I'm offering you the job -

here and now.

What do you say?

Not feeling any better, then?

-No.

-ZETHAN COUGHS

Have you noticed anything you've been eating tasting...

-different lately?

-What do you mean?

-Bitter, maybe?

-No.

Anything you've been drinking?

No.

Is your mum a good cook? Mine wasn't bad, but...

She's OK. Why?

I just remember my mum's food sometimes tasted a bit...odd.

She can be a bit...

HE VOMITS

That's it. There you go.

Let it all out.

I'll, er... I'll get someone to get rid of this.

Have you seen Mrs Tembe?

Ooh, hello.

-Is Mr Harker in his office?

-Er, yeah.

I have been offered a job.

By Jeff Goddard? That's great news.

Of course it is. It is exactly what you wanted.

-I'm sorry?

-You recommended me for a job I did not apply for,

you gave me a glowing reference that I did not ask for.

Praise given where praise was due.

You're being paranoid, Mrs Tembe.

I simply saw an opportunity to progress your career.

It's what you wanted, isn't it?

At the Mill Health Centre, for a while, yes.

And then you were appointed.

And I was resolved that it was not meant to be

and I was happy with my lot.

You have so much to offer at King's Green.

I have so much to offer here!

I have always given 100%.

I agree! But you're clearly wasted at reception.

Don't let one knock-back destroy your ambition.

I am perfectly happy here.

Are you? Honestly?

This is about your potential, Mrs Tembe.

Maybe the leap to Practice Manager was too much, but Assistant?

Surely that's ideal?

You learn the ropes, without so much pressure

and it's a stepping stone to practice manager in the future.

Everything is happening so quickly.

It is a huge step...

King's Green is the other side of Letherbridge, not the country!

So you have a longer walk to work.

Or you could buy yourself a car. You can certainly afford it.

Seize the moment, Mrs Tembe!

I have no idea what to say to you.

Obviously, the choice is yours,

but I think a new challenge would be good for you.

I have taken the job.

Glad to hear it.

Congratulations!

DOOR OPENS

DOOR SHUTS

Sid? Don't you trust us to look after your patient?

No, something was just bothering me, that's all.

Wisteria.

I'm sorry?

I found this pod under Zethan's bed.

Wisteria seeds.

They're poisonous.

Yes, I'm sure they are.

-What do you think of Zethan's mum?

-Why?

I just wonder whether

she has anything to do with Zethan's sickness.

What makes you say that?

I'm just a bit concerned for her, that's all.

Her husband walked out and she's bringing up a teenager on her own.

She's been to see us quite a few times - suspected Munchausen's.

-Yet she really didn't want Zethan to come here.

-I see.

Or it could of course be a simple case of white coat syndrome?

Yeah, maybe.

We should talk to her.

Let's just wait until we get the results back, shall we,

-before we start making accusations?

-But...

Not to say that we can't keep a discreet eye on things.

Do you not have any other patients?

I'm just concerned, OK? For both of you.

I'm fine.

But it must be hard, coping on your own?

Well, it hasn't been a bed of roses.

I've had to take on a part-time job just to make ends meet,

but his father took to the hills,

so we manage as best we can.

What have you got there?

Why? Do you recognise it?

Of course, I use them in poultices.

What are you doing with it?

You do know they're poisonous?

Yes.

What are you suggesting?

-ZETHAN:

-Mum!

-Snap!

-Was it?

-Try and concentrate, it'll help.

-Help who?

-You.

This is really boring.

Why is it so hot in here?

-You said you were cold.

-It's boiling!

What are you trying to do? Kill me?

You can't keep taking this out on me. It's not fair!

I'm trying, love. It's just so hard.

I didn't mean to take it out on you.

It's OK. We'll get there.

I'm starving.

How about I make us something to eat?

But no more fruit. Deal?

Deal.

He wants some water.

Do you want to come and make sure I don't add anything?

I'm just trying to work out what's wrong, that's all.

Or conduct a witch hunt.

This is why I didn't want to come here -

why I don't trust doctors any more.

I want to help both of you. It may be that...

..That I'm so deranged I'd want to harm my own child?

All I've ever given him is sage tea to help with the nausea.

Does that count as poisoning?

Or maybe it's the spell I cast in it?

No doubt you're in on this too.

I told you, I wanted to wait until we got the results back.

And?

They're not conclusive,

but the white cell count is up, which could indicate a poison.

So, what now? The ducking stool?

Is it possible that your son's symptoms

could be related to the ingestion of wisteria pods?

You can't just accuse me like this!

Leave her alone.

She hasn't done anything.

-It was me.

-ZETHAN COUGHS

We'll keep him in overnight to monitor him,

just while the poison works its way out of his system.

How long will that take?

Usually, no more than about 24 hours.

I'll call in again later to check how things are going. OK?

I'm so sorry, Mum. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

Honest, I didn't.

I just don't understand.

I looked up the symptoms and they seemed OK.

I thought if I got sick,

maybe I'd get to see Dad again.

HE COUGHS

I wanted to tell you earlier - I did -

but I got scared I'd get into trouble.

I didn't mean for Mum to get the blame.

That was...

That was me, jumping to conclusions. I'm sorry.

Why didn't you just talk to me?

Your mum's right. You should have talked to her.

You know, for the first time today,

the doctor has actually said something that makes sense.

Look, I'll...

Look after yourself, mate.

Why didn't you tell me what was going on inside your head?

You hate Dad.

But I love you.

I feel terrible.

I've been trying to deal with this on my own,

but I didn't realise the effect it was having on you.

Maybe we could cast a spell and I could see him again?

I can't change your dad.

There's not enough magic in the world for that one, love.

Get some sleep, Mum.

Before you know it, we'll have cracked the first 24 hours.

-SHE SOBS

-You did really well today.

I have been offered the position of Assistant Practice Manager

at King's Green medical centre.

And you're happy to just watch her go?

Of course not.

I can't imagine the place without you.

Will you make me the happiest man alive?

Marry me?

Say again?