Indecent Proposal Doctors

LOW CHATTER

Hi, girls. Um...

It's a little bit silly, but...but I...

I caught sight of you and...

and you're not going to believe me when I say this, so...

Would you do me the honour of being my wife?

Ha! What?! Get out of here!

No, wait!

What about you? Will you marry me? No?

Have you got any friends that might be interested?

Do you know, I wasn't going to come in,

but the pain got so bad, in the end, I said to myself,

"Alexa, you've got to stop being a hero". So here I am.

OK. Well, er...can you tell me what's wrong?

I've got bowel cancer.

Right. OK. Um...can you tell me about your symptoms?

I'm bloated, constipated and I get a sporadic pain here.

I've been on a forum. Everything fits.

Listen, um...online forums aren't always the best approach.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Excuse me.

Yes, hi.

Well, I'm in there now.

Yes, well, go on, yes.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Hello?

-How's it going, Mum?

-I've been trying to get hold of you.

You're up with the larks.

-How are you, love?

-Yeah, I'm tip-top.

You are going to get on the flight tomorrow, aren't you?

Of course I'll be on the flight tomorrow.

Um...look...look, Mum, my stuff's not going to pack itself, eh?

I love you. See you soon.

Yeah, yeah. You, too.

HE SIGHS

I've been saying to myself, "Alexa, stay positive".

But it's hard to stay positive when you know there's something wrong.

Surely you just need to refer me to a consultant, don't you think?

HE SIGHS

I need to do some routine checks first, OK? Build a bigger picture.

So, for breakfast, you usually have...?

Caramel macchiato.

What, nothing to eat?

Those flavoured coffees can be surprisingly calorific, you know.

-Lunch?

-Salad.

Then in the evenings, I have one of those low-calorie ready meals.

Any, er...drinks or snacks?

I drink a lot of diet cola.

Well, um...I can't feel anything unusual.

I can see that you're at least...trying to be healthy.

I think your symptoms may be down to your diet.

That's extremely unlikely.

I have a very high pain threshold.

It's nothing minor we're dealing with here.

I didn't know what to wear tonight. I was in a right tizz.

Oh, you look lovely.

Aw! I was tempted just to wear my comfortable joggers

and then I thought, "No! No, it's my big night. I'm going to go bold."

Good for you!

So, are you waiting for Karen to get here before...?

Before what?

Before dishing out all the flashing tiaras and whatnot.

Oh, I didn't think you'd want any of that.

Oh! What would I do without you?

No, minimum fuss is fine.

Good.

Yeah. You want to save yourself for the, er...big night.

THEY CHUCKLE

Thank you. This is exactly what I needed.

# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it

# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it

# Don't be mad once you see that he want it

# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh

# If you liked it, then you should've put a ring on it...#

Surely I need an ultrasound or a scan, don't you think?

I've been extremely thorough,

but I'll make you an appointment with one of my colleagues,

-if you'd prefer a second opinion?

-No.

Just try and make those changes to your diet that we spoke about.

-And if your symptoms still persist, then come back and see me.

-Right.

(Flaming heck, you were in there half an hour!)

Yeah, well, the internet has a lot to answer for.

Listen, will you do me a favour?

-Will you lock up? Because I want to get to Valerie's.

-Yeah, of course.

-Whit-whoo, by the way.

-Aw!

THEY CHUCKLE

Between you and me, I hope Ayesha hasn't organised something

too Valerie, if you know what I mean.

And you're going to this Barry thing, aren't you?

Yeah. Can't wait!

This is Barry we're talking about.

Rob's organising it and he's dreading it.

-Sid!

-Zach! How you doing?

You're looking good, Doctor. New suit?

What do you want?

Aren't you going to introduce us?

Karen, this is Zach. We used to live together.

Hiya. I've got to go.

Yeah, great. Good timing, by the way. I'm all done. Come through.

A-Actually, um...

I, er...I better do this before I bottle it, so, um...

I know this is a bit out the blue, but, um...

Will you marry me?

I wonder how the girls are getting on.

-Yeah. Ruhma was looking forward to a girls' night.

-Yeah, I bet.

Karen will have them all dancing around their handbags in no time.

We should have you two over for dinner, return the favour.

-Yeah. That would be, um...delightful.

-Yeah.

Oh, here he is.

Ah! The man of the hour!

Right, we need to get you a drink.

You know, I'm dead chuffed all you lot could come.

Yeah.

-Right, I need the, er...loo.

-Me, too.

I think they're just going to the, er...

Listen, your best mate should be here any minute.

Gavin?

No. Ross.

-Ross?

-Yeah. Well, it was too late notice for the others.

Thanks for making the effort.

Any...any time.

-Bazza!

-There you go.

-All right, Bazza? I've been looking forward to this!

-Ha-ha!

Is this about Jessica?

It's nothing to do with her.

Come on, mate, it must be hard.

I'm grateful, actually. I dodged a bullet there.

Well, you can't just go around proposing to people!

Come on, what's wrong?

My visa's expired. I'm getting kicked out.

-Well, I thought work was sponsoring you?

-There's no funding

and there's not enough time to find another job with sponsorship. It's a mess!

Well, surely there's something you can do.

Think about it. We could easily be passed off as lovers.

Look at these pics.

Arms around each other. Look at that one there.

We were out drinking, that's all!

What about your text messages? You always put kisses.

Well, I'm a kisses kind of guy!

Um...what about Dublin?

What a romantic city Dublin was, eh?

What, your birthday?!

There was about a dozen of us!

Zach, look, this isn't like you.

You can talk to me, you know.

My life's here. I don't want to go back to New Zealand.

-Mm!

-THEY CHEER

I'm so sorry!

-Ooo, hello!

-THEY LAUGH

Hey, you are never going to guess what's happened to me again!

I'm leaving the surgery and this really handsome bloke bursts in,

drops on one knee and proposes to Sid.

-No way!

-What is it with the men in our surgery?

Oh, I'm so relieved that it's all out in the open.

I think you must be mistaken.

Oh, no, no. They used to live together. It was a right love nest.

Sid is 100% straight.

Yes, well, you always said there wasn't any chemistry.

Because we weren't right together, not because he's gay.

-So, what is the plan?

-Ah!

-What is that?

-Look, it matches your dress.

THEY LAUGH

Lovely(!) So, Valerie, I was thinking that you were going to be

covered head to toe in pink fairy lights.

Now, I've got the most thoughtful maid of honour in the world.

She knows I've been overdoing it a bit,

so tonight, we are going a bit low key.

Actually, about that.

I've actually organised a little something downstairs.

-Ooo! We've got a butler in the buff?

-Cheeky!

-We're doing an activity.

-Cocktail making?

-Actually, it's...

Burlesque is all about the art of the tease.

It's a way of expressing yourselves.

So look inside and discover your inner vixen.

Rrrr!

What have you got us into?

(Ssh! For Valerie's sake.)

One of the most important things about burlesque

is confidence.

Try and look at the positives, OK?

It might do you some good to get away.

You know, have some time out and...

Have you, er...have you spoken to her?

She collected her things while I was at work.

Posted her keys through the letterbox.

Bet it must have been difficult breaking it to everyone.

It's not the easiest phone call to make four weeks before the big day, eh?

Think, my friends and family spent a fortune on flights.

Why couldn't she talk to me?

And if one more person calls her brave...!

I know it might not seem like it now, but...

..in the long run...maybe you're better off.

I-I...

I thought she was the one, you know?

Same again, lads?

Gentlemen, I'm going to call it a night.

-What, already?

-Actually, I've got a statement to prepare.

No, you don't. No, you don't have a statement to prepare.

Come on, fellas, sit down, please.

Thank you. Anyway, I think it's my round.

I'll get these. What do you want?

-Er...same again.

-Yeah.

-Me, too.

Sorry to trouble you, does someone own a Volvo, dark grey?

Registration, L-T-4-9...?

R-J-Q?

That's mine. Is there a problem?

I'm very sorry, sir, but it's currently violating

Section Two of the university's parking regulations.

That's impossible. It's after 6:00.

Oh! Right.

Well, you'll find that sub-clause 1.4 dictates that, er...

I'm going to have to give you a ticket.

Yeah. I see what's going on here. Yeah.

You work for one of them private firms, don't you?

That clamps cars unlawfully

and holds them to ransom for extortionate fees?

Well, I wasn't born yesterday.

I'd like to see some proof before you just issue a ticket willy-nilly.

Well, take a seat.

Or I'll have to give you a ticket for disobedience, too.

She'll give you some proof all right!

# I think I did it again...#

CHEERING

WHOOPING

ALL: Ooo!

Ooo, hello!

-Ooo!

-Goodness me!

Wow!

WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER

Here comes the other one!

Oh, no, she's not, is she?

Oh, my goodness, she is!

THEY CHEER

APPLAUSE

There's no need for that.

Is that your wallet in your trousers,

or are you just pleased to see her?

Not so fast, sweetheart!

No offence, but I'm a one-girl guy.

-Don't be a spoilsport, Bazza.

-Stop it!

BOOING

You didn't have to ruin it for the rest of us!

-All right, steady on.

-It's Barry's prerogative, don't you think?

Which one of you boys is Ross?

That'll be £50.

I don't think so, love. Clue's in the job title.

I did what the groom wanted!

Give us a private dance, then.

It's not that kind of place.

You booked her. Pay the girl.

Maybe next time.

Your face! "Please, don't give me a ticket, Officer!"

I specifically said no strippers.

I knew nothing about it.

Relax. It's your present from the lads in Security.

We thought, before the plonker gets hitched,

he'd better see an actual naked woman!

HE LAUGHS

Come on, mate, at least the climate's better over there.

You ever been to Wellington?

It's grey and wet, like here, but with earthquakes.

Do you want to go for a drink? Might cheer you up a bit.

Yeah, mate.

-Sorry, the surgery's closed.

-Door was open.

Just as well, I've made an important scientific discovery.

I'll be as quick as I can.

I had absolutely no idea that burlesque was so empowering.

I want to be a burlesque dancer.

THEY LAUGH

So, caritas, remember the way I removed the ribbon from my basque?

Ooo, yes! Um...oh! A-ha! It's here.

-Oh, you keep it, carita.

-Oh!

I want you to use your props

to come up with a signature move.

Something sensual,

something fun!

THEY GIGGLE

But something uniquely you.

-Entiendes?

-Si!

-Si, si!

-Si!

-Si!

Caritas, did Mama mention

that there will be a special prize for the best move?

-Ooo!

-Ah!

-KAREN CHUCKLES

Sid's not coming. He's been caught up.

Not to worry.

Need to make the most of your last night of freedom.

I'll give it a miss, thank you very much.

I don't want a sore head tomorrow.

Where's your sense of adventure?

Put your thumbs on the table, like this.

Come on, it's your stag!

What are you doing?

Shall we go and get a kebab, eh, lads?

-How do I get it off?

-Use your imagination.

Or isn't there anything going on in that thick skull of yours?

-Hello, anyone home?

-All right, leave it out.

-Look at you. Priceless!

-Pack it in.

-I was just trying to liven things up!

-Is that what you call it?

What was that, Bazza? Speak up.

Let's just have a nice drink, eh?

He's got off lightly.

Lucky we didn't strip you naked and tie you to a lamppost.

You've got to admit, this is the most boring stag ever.

-Then why don't you...?!

-Easy, tiger.

All you are is a bully and I'm sick of it! I don't want you here!

-You on your period?

-I don't want you at the wedding either.

Bazza, don't be like that.

I hope you and your missus rot in hell.

On second thoughts, she'll be in hell anyway, she's marrying you.

Hell is alone.

There's nothing to escape from

and nothing to escape to.

Good luck with that, mate.

HE EXHALES

Ladies, ladies!

It is time to show us what you've got!

Why do I have to go first?

-Ooo! Oh!

-Because you do. Up you get.

-Chica?

-CHEERING

-Go on, Ruhma!

-Go on, Ruhma!

-You got this!

# Hey sister, go sister soul sister, go sister...#

Yay!

Yay! CHEERING

# He met Marmalade down in old New Orleans

# Strutting her stuff on the street...#

THEY LAUGH

Promising start!

Oh! Flaming Aida!

Go on, Karen!

# Itchi-gitchi ya-ya here

# Mocha-choca-lata ya-ya

THEY LAUGH

# Creole Lady Marmalade. #

CHEERING

I love the humour! Next!

-Oh, it's me, girls!

-CHEERING

-Go, Val! Go, Val!

-Go, Valerie!

-Oh, yeah!

-WHOOPING

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Valerie, your enthusiasm is infectious!

Go, Ayesha!

Yeah! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

-Whoo!

-Whoo!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Check out the sass! Ladies, this is very impressive!

Oh!

-Ooo!

-THEY LAUGH

-Unfair advantage!

-You shouldn't have tipped me off, should you?

THEY LAUGH

THEY LAUGH

-How does she...?

-Wow!

THEY LAUGH

Ooo!

THEY GASP

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Maybe just master the basics first.

Hm!

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-Ladies, as you know,

there is a special prize at stake.

I am awarding...this...

-Ooo!

-..to the person who has really captured

the spirit of the burlesque.

ALL: Ooooooooo!

THEY CHUCKLE

Valerie!

THEY CHEER

Put it on your leg.

-Ooo!

-Ooo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

THEY LAUGH

I am host to a parasite.

OK.

And what makes you think that?

I read an article online

about how parasites can make the host do weird things.

For instance, the Gordian worm

that grows inside a cricket. Now...

And makes it commit suicide, yeah.

But I don't see how this relates to you.

Surely, the most logical explanation

as to why I'm compelled to eat certain foods

is parasitic manipulation. Don't you think?

As I said earlier, your symptoms are consistent with your diet.

Now, we need to discover what the parasite is

and how to get rid of it.

So you'll need to run the necessary tests.

The thought of this parasite inside me gives me the shivers!

But I said to myself, "Alexa, pull yourself together".

OK. From the tests that I performed earlier, everything seems normal.

OK? So the question that you need to ask yourself is,

"Alexa, what is the most rational explanation

-"for the symptoms you've been experiencing?"

-Exactly!

So surely, the next step is ruling out any external factors.

Don't you think?

-Hm.

-Which means eliminating any potential dietary factors.

Agreed?

Good.

-I'm so sorry, mate.

-There's some things I won't miss,

like how everyone always says sorry.

But, fair, you make a good Sunday roast.

I love a roast. Sorry, I wasn't eavesdropping.

Take it you're going back to, um...?

New Zealand. Getting deported.

Unless by some miracle, I can find someone to marry me, so...

I'd marry you.

-What?

-What?

-What?

I was saying to myself the other day,

"You must start thinking about settling down".

But I'm just so busy. But of course, I'm inundated with offers.

-I can imagine.

-So I'd...I'd have to consider it.

And obviously, I have strict criteria for a life partner.

Go on.

Tall. Well, you pass that one.

I'd want to keep tabs on your whereabouts.

There's this spyware app.

You'd have to keep it switched on at all times.

I don't want you having any boys-only nights.

-Anything else?

-You should know that I'm always right.

Best to acknowledge that now.

Oh, and obviously, I want to be told how beautiful I am every day.

You are very...beautiful.

Can I have the pleasure of knowing your name?

Alexa Beatrice Williams.

Well, that's a very pretty name, milady.

Thank you!

Do you know, I think I'm going to get lessons.

Because I am clearly a natural.

Thank you so much. This has been THE best night I have had in years!

You are very welcome!

These are from Niamh.

She's texted to say she can't make it. Held up apparently.

-We all know who by.

-So, how's it going with this new fella?

Oh, has she told Al that she's moved on?

What's it got to do with him?

Well, it's ex-etiquette, isn't it?

So, you've told Ashley that you're getting married tomorrow, have you?

The thing about exes is it's all fine

until one of you meets somebody else.

That's when it gets tricky.

Me and Sid seem to manage it OK.

Even going on holiday together.

-You are kidding me?

-I am not.

-Lucky you!

You're telling me you're going to be lazing by the pool

with Sid in his Speedos?

Oh, I love a man in Speedos!

I should get Barry a pair.

Because his legs are his best feature.

BELCH! Pardon.

THEY LAUGH

You are telling me that you are not going to be tempted?

I've told you, we're just mates. Anyway, tonight is about Valerie.

Show us that winning garter.

-THEY CHEER

-Someone's changing the subject.

Ah! Let's have a toast.

To Valerie! Cheers!

-Cheers!

-To Valerie!

-ALL: Valerie!

-Whoo!

-EMMA LAUGHS

Right, then, good night.

Would you like to go for a drink?

Er...I thought we were going out for a pint?

If you don't mind being a third wheel,

you're more than welcome to tag along.

Um...do you mind just giving us a minute?

-Yes.

-Right. Um...

-You know I care about you, right?

-Yeah.

And you know I want you to be happy, but...

Well, I think it's my duty as a friend to speak up.

Do you not think all this is a bit rushed?

You've only known her five minutes!

I've got no choice.

Look, I know it's a big change going home,

but you'll land on your feet. You always do!

My home's here.

Yeah, but you don't know her.

Someone like that...

She'll make you miserable.

Look, I know you're looking out for me, but this is my decision.

Why don't you just sleep on it, yeah?

Time's not exactly on my side, mate.

I don't want you to make a decision you're going to regret.

You don't have to go through with it.

You don't have to take Alexa Beatrice Williams for a drink.

I do.

I can't believe I finally told him where to go.

You handled it, um...impeccably.

Between myself and these four walls, I have to keep pinching myself.

My career is plodding along nicely

and now I'm marrying my soulmate.

-You barely know each other.

-Jimmi!

No, but, you haven't even lived together.

Don't listen to him.

Jimmi's entitled to his opinion.

You're right.

Things have moved quicker than perhaps I would have liked.

I'm just saying that people aren't always what you think they are.

I know you've been through a lot.

But the way I see it is...

..you've got to follow your heart.

Exactly. All that matters is what you two feel about each other.

There's bound to be some bumps in the road and, like you say,

we haven't been together that long, but...

..I always hope things will turn out for the best.

Well, that's the difference between you and me. I'm a pessimist.

I understand. You're a doctor.

You see things a certain way.

That's the way to be, isn't it?

If you're a pessimist, you can't be disappointed.

But if anyone was going to make it work, then...it would be you two.

So cheers.

ALL: Cheers!

I'm getting married, Rob. I can't believe it.

You're not the only one.

Where's the bride?

Oh, no! Thanks, Jimmi(!)

-Ta-da!

-You look fab!

-Ah!

I never want to take it off ever!

Shall I put some coffee on?

How the hell am I going to get to the wedding?