That Time of Year Doctors

SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC

CLOCK TICKING

SLOW BREATHING

WIND CHIME TINKLES

BANG!

# Da, da-da-da Da, da-da-da

# Baby, we were born to run - yee!

# Da, da-da-da

# We were born to run We were born to run. #

1940s MUSIC PLAYS

I'm really glad you saw the show last night.

Are you?

Yes...as we're here.

It would have been a shame to have missed it.

-It was absolutely fantastic, wasn't it?

-It was, wasn't it?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I said, did you get my cake?

Did you get my cake?

Might have. On the other hand,

I might have been too embarrassed to be seen buying that type of junk.

There's nothing wrong with a bit of cake.

No, not if you're a couch potato with a burning desire for diabetes.

Have you not heard of the national sugar addiction?

The obesity epidemic they're always on about?

They're always on about something. You can't keep up with everything.

Yeah, well, I'm sure that's what the dinosaurs said

before breathing in their last.

'How can I help you?'

How much sugar is in a Victoria sponge cake?

'Let me think about that.

'100g of Victoria sponge cake contains 37g of sugar.'

Ahhhh!

Maybe I should ask HER to get my cake.

Whose is all this? There's a week's worth of shopping in here.

Sorry! I daren't take it home in case the vultures have it.

Along with my teabags, shampoo

and two tubs of peanut butter they've already had this week.

TWO tubs?

Yeah, I think Tim and his girlfriend have found some new and original use for it.

Oh!

Told you I needed out.

Hope it's the smooth kind.

Letherbridge Life? You won a subscription or something?

No. They want to do an interview about my app.

Oh, nice one!

Nah, think I'll give it a miss.

You should totally speak to them about peanut butter-gate.

HE CHUCKLES Yeah.

I've got nothing better to do since Anthony got the boot, have I?

Yeah, well, from the goss I've heard, we're well rid.

And things'll start falling into place,

especially now you've got Zara in your pocket.

Not to mention yours truly fighting your corner.

And we'll work out where to live later, yeah?

The design was fantastic, and the staging.

Yeah, and the acting.

I must admit, I've never seen Cymbeline before.

But it was very interesting, having a woman in the title role.

Yeah. Oh, and did you know that A Midsummer Night's Dream

is on tour, and it's supposed to be just as good?

Yeah. Unfortunately, they're not coming to Letherbridge.

Their Bottom is supposed to be fantastic.

I've seen quite a few interesting Bottoms in my time...

Well, in our line of work, Dr Carter...

In fact, I played him once.

Oh, I'd like to have seen your Bottom!

HE CHUCKLES

I don't want us to be at odds.

We better get going - we don't want to be late.

VACUUM WHIRRING

It wasn't much to ask.

Yes, well, a little here, a little there,

and everything starts to build up, doesn't it?

Till they're sucking you dry,

and you know you got the sticky end of the stick.

Where all my bills keep going up and up,

and your flamin' house just keeps on appreciating.

Well, rest assured, no amount of money could compensate for living with you.

Likewise, I'm sure. But without me you'd starve, wouldn't you?

-Worth it.

-So is being on the streets.

The only thing keeping me here is the hope of seeing you off.

-VACUUM WHIRS Whee!

-Likewise, I'm sure.

Good luck with that, Darth Vader.

DOORBELL Do you want to get that, or shall I?

So did you get my bloody cake or not?

Why don't you just hop over there and look for yourself?

I've got to get warmed up.

Ah! Oh!

HE GASPS IN PAIN

DOORBELL

Ooh.

Hiya! I'm Ayesha, from the Mill Health Centre.

Tash is off sick today, so I'm covering her home visits.

Right you are. Invalid's in there.

HE GASPS IN PAIN

GROANING

Nearly done...

Can't you do that somewhere else?

-Not enough room.

-No privacy in my own home.

Oh, pardon me for breathing.

Well, if you promise not to do it for much longer.

It's very good for the old cardio.

I've been telling him for years to get himself in shape,

get out there, get some of his air from the sky instead of a bottle.

Well, a bit of exercise can help - whatever you can manage, really.

I've got some info on rehabilitation courses back at the surgery.

Yes, spring has sprung, birds are singing, the sap is rising.

Mine isn't. Not any more.

So, are you two a...couple?

Once upon a time, when we were a touch younger, and much gayer...

After I came out to my family, in '92...

-'93.

-No, it was...

I would hardly forget the beginning of the end.

-Of your teeth, you mean.

-Ha!

Anyway, we moved in together and, in a fit of insanity, struck a deal.

I'd pay the whole mortgage on this place...

And I would pay all the rest of the bills.

-So, now...

-It was like a marriage of convenience.

Worst deal ever.

And least convenient.

So, my dear, in answer to your question,

we're trapped together in domestic bliss.

OK. Um, I'll just take your blood pressure.

So, welcome to the Royal Shakespeare Theatre,

here on the bank of the River Avon.

Now, as we already know, "All the world's a stage,"

but today, here in Shakespeare's hometown

of Stratford-upon-Avon, we're going to go beyond that,

to peep behind "the fringed curtains" on the backstage tour.

He's very good.

At memorising his lines. Considering he's about 12.

..as this is a working-based theatre

and it depends entirely on what's going on today.

But that's all part of the excitement of the tour.

So, my name's Toby...

Oh, Toby? Do you take after your namesake?

-And...without further ado...

-Sir Toby Belch?

"Possess us, possess us; tell us something of him."

..let's take a look behind the scenes.

By all means. "Wherefore are these things hid?

Wherefore have these gifts a curtain before 'em?"

Right...

It's all right, love. No need to sugar-coat it.

Yes, go on. Got to be cruel to be kind!

I know it's going to kill me. Just not today, thank you.

Well, just give us a date and I'll make sure not to miss it.

Meanwhile, I'm off for my power-walk.

Trying to push past five miles a day.

Five miles to nowhere!

Recorded, verified and posted online by my tracker app,

-thank you very much.

-Oh, all mod cons, aren't we?

Well, you need something to organise your social engagements,

and busy modern lifestyle, don't you?

Unless, of course, you're living in the past and have no friends.

Right, well, your oxygen's a bit low, so I'll get that sorted.

And are you sure you've got enough support living at home?

Is there anyone else looking out for you?

No, I'll be all right.

You can always rely on him for the kiss of life.

-Anyway, got my daughter, Sam, coming for tea this afternoon.

-Oh.

It's weird the difference one person can make, isn't it?

The house feels, well, so much quieter without Niamh. Almost empty.

That's hardly surprising.

And now it looks like Ayesha is going to be packing her bags.

Well, count yourself lucky!

What I wouldn't give for... just for some space without Joe

and Daniel in my ear every five minutes.

At least you can put Chris up without him tripping over everyone.

Yes, I'll remember that the next time he "pops over"

from Australia for a long weekend!

Anyway, listen, I wanted to ask your opinion about a social worker.

Jane Fairweather?

I have come across her once or twice.

It's just, she's told me some things about a pregnant patient

that have rather made me doubt my own judgment.

Well, I'd say that she's professional,

and she would have the best interest of the child at heart.

Mm. I knew this patient

had a history, but she just seems so together now.

What Jane told me made my hair stand on end.

Well, we meet all kinds of people, don't we, Haskey?

Capable of all kinds of things, I suppose.

HE MUMBLES

It's just...you know...

I can't quite believe that a mother would do that to a child.

I mean, her own flesh and blood...

Tell me about it - human nature never ceases to amaze me.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

-Carmichael puts her foot in it once again.

-What?

She was clearly upset, she's bound to be sensitive about babies and...

y'know, after we lost Howard?

Ohh.

-Clearly, I'm the idiot.

-You said it.

-THANK YOU.

I'm not eating your half-chewed biscuits.

HE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES

You didn't say Sam was coming.

Did you think I'd eat a whole cake by myself?

-Well, I should stay...

-No, no.

You've got your important walk to nowhere, and your phone'll be miffed if you don't turn up.

Anyway...Sam said she wants a chat.

So here we have the quick-change area, with a rail of costumes.

-These are from a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

-Oh!

"Get your apparel together, good strings to your beards,

"new ribbons to your pumps!"

Have a look ...

Great, look at that.

..but please don't touch!

Oh, Puck!

The most important rule of quick-change dressing, I'm told,

is not to panic.

If you're racing to hit your cue,

you do not want to find yourself wrestling with a straitjacket...

Maybe you'll get to see my Bottom after all...

..unless, of course, a straitjacket is called for.

"What do you see? An asshead of your own, do you?"

"As, by my faith, I see no more in you."

"There's no more faith in thee than a stewed prune!"

-Take it off...

-Ahh!

"Which makes him prune himself, and bristle up,

"the crest of youth against your dignity."

Very good.

Can you please give me a hand..?

-I'm sorry.

-Er...

-Ooh!

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

There we go.

It's nice.

LABOURED BREATHING

HE GASPS

How's my girl?

Mwah!

You not staying?

No - on a tight schedule, you know me!

Ah, I was hoping to catch you both.

-Everything OK?

-Oh, yeah. With me, everything's fine.

It's just... Dad's emphysema getting worse...

I was thinking about getting him to come and live with us.

Makes sense.

I wanted to check you'd be OK with it...

OK? I'd be made up!

I've been waiting for an excuse to ditch the old git for years,

and it's not like I haven't had any offers, believe me!

Better fly, I'm on the old clock.

Wish him happy trails, eh?

You're really young, to know so much.

-I study post-grad at the Shakespeare Institute.

-Ah.

SHE GASPS

Oh, wow.

So, here we are, onstage, in the actors' shoes, as it were.

Can you imagine? The audience just hanging on to every word.

-All that energy...

-Yeah. Imagine.

Well, life is full of missed opportunities.

Ahh.

Romeo

and...Juliet.

Actually, we had a load of Year 10s through earlier

and I had the troublemakers up doing the balcony scene,

which separated the men from the boys.

Romeo and Juliet?

Yeah, I mean...perhaps you'd like to show us how it's done?

-Oh, I don't think...

-Oh, come on, you're dying to!

"If it were done when 'tis done,

"then 'twere well it were done quickly!"

Break a leg.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

-How camst - camest?

-Camest.

-Thank you.

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

Flirtier!

LAUGHTER

The orchard walls are high and hard to climb,

And the place death, considering who thou art,

If any of my kinsmen find thee here.

With love's light wings did I o'er-perch these walls.

LAUGHTER

Ha-ha! Seven miles, game over, thank you and goodnight.

The numbers don't lie!

Averaging 25mph?

That's a statistical anomaly.

Sam gone already?

Yeah, she heard you skidding up on shanks' pony.

HE COUGHS Didn't she want a serious word?

Thought maybe she'd sussed she couldn't possibly be

biologically related.

Was nothing important.

Ah! HE GROANS IN PAIN

Ah, will you give it up?

I know you're after moving in over there...

What? You know nothing of the sort.

-She told me, you gold-plated ignoramus!

-No, she...

She actually has a smidgeon of integrity,

-presumably from her mother's half of the gene pool!

-I...

So hasta la vista, baby. Enjoy your assisted living!

-I said no.

-You said no? Why?

You! You don't know you're born, do you?

Or what you have in that girl!

She's my daughter!

Well, you don't deserve her!

HE GASPS, WHEEZES

I mean, look at the state of you!

I don't know why she'd bother,

and then you go and throw it back in her face?!

You must... HE GASPS AND COUGHS

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

What satisfaction canst thou have to-night?

The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine.

I gave thee mine before thoust did request it:

And yet I would it were to give it again.

LAUGHTER

OK, that's enough of that.

Oh, come on. Just carry on.

-I think, maybe, we could all do with a break...

-Oh, come on, more!

-It was just getting interesting.

-It's ridiculous!

-Heston.

-It's hardly appropriate casting!

It's just a bit of fun...

If you were really some soppy teenager

and I was in the throes of some hormone-fuelled crush,

but we're not, are we?

"Henceforth I never will be Romeo."

(Sorry.)

LABOURED BREATHING

HE SIGHS

That ship has sailed.

If you're after cash, I'm a bit short.

Come on...

Battery's dead.

You can't even stand to lose THIS race, can you?

THEY CHUCKLE

I don't...don't understand. Why did you tell her no?

You wouldn't.

She's got her own life...

family. Doesn't need me cluttering up the place.

I like them visiting. Being... fun grandad. Remembered like that.

Not...some old zombie, coughing over his cornflakes every morning.

HE COUGHS

And I can't stand her fella.

Me neither.

HE GASPS, LAUGHING

Patronising...

HE GASPS FOR BREATH

Eh...eh!

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

If you pop your clogs, I'll have to live with him.

Old Top Gear 24/7.

Thought you wanted rid of me.

Oh, good point. Just plug the phone in and call her back, eh?

Anyway...

..who would I have to talk to about the past and all that - eh? -

who was actually there?

Hardly matters now anyway.

Be in the past soon enough.

-No...

-Both at death's door.

Grim Reaper knocking...

KNOCK AT DOOR

You did hear that, didn't you?

Hello? Anyone home? I brought that info.

Oh, my...

Right, don't move, stay there.

Not a problem.

I'm coming, just give me a sec.

-Watch my Wade Whimsies.

-Stuff your Wade Whimsies!

What on earth happened?

Limbo competition - got out of hand.

Well, we've all been there.

Look at him first. He's the invalid.

Yes, ambulance.

You can talk.

And you can't, which is a relief to all...

Oh, be quiet, both of you.

37 Birch Close, Letherbridge.

Your chest's hurting, is it?

First my leg. Now this!

-He was coughing blood.

-Your leg where?

Pulled a muscle...days ago.

Yes. Suspected pulmonary embolism.

Yeah, ASAP.

Is that bad?

You remember earlier, when you said you didn't want me to sugar-coat it?

Right, let's try and get you up.

No curtain call, then?

You know...

I'm assuming this isn't about Romeo and Juliet.

-Ruhma?

-Mm?

I've come to realise that I'm going to die

-sooner rather than later.

-No, because, you've had treatment...

I'm not talking about the angina.

This heart has a history - one careless owner.

I probably couldn't give it away. Not that I haven't tried.

Sorry, I didn't mean that.

It just seems very important to me

that I'm older,

and I'm less healthy.

Not to me.

I know you want to take things slowly, but...

..I'm not sure I have that luxury.

I should never have asked you to move in in the first place.

I mean, what do I have to offer, really,

in terms of life, and a future?

We should probably catch up before it's too late.

'PHONE RINGING'

SHE GROANS

Mm.

Hey!

'Listen, I'm with a really poorly patient,

'I'm not going to make it back for lunch.'

OK, I'll grab a sandwich. Will I see you later?

Yeah, the thing is, there's something I wanted to run by you.

-Right.

-'I know it's bad timing and Niamh's just gone and everything...'

-It's just, Sid's desperate...

-Look, it's fine! I understand.

I mean, I'm not going to lie - I will miss your Prosecco cocktails.

-But we all need to move on, don't we?

-You want me out?

-What....!

No, I thought you wanted to move out.

No! I was just going to ask if Sid could move in.

Oh! Er...

'Hello? Hello? Am I breaking up?'

-Look, we'll talk about it later, yeah?

-Yeah. Yes, OK.

Oh! Your dad's OK.

Uncle Tom?

Well, he very nearly wasn't, if your dad hadn't come to the rescue.

But he's on blood thinners as well as the oxygen,

so he should be OK, too.

Looks as if you won't be winning that race after all.

Now look what you've done.

Sorry.

SHE SNIFFS

And I'm sorry I got annoyed.

You just...

You can be so pig-headed.

Seconded. But never you mind, I'll move in if he won't.

That offer wasn't open to allcomers, so you're stuck with me.

That so? Nurse!

You wouldn't have another bed? On another planet?

Leave the poor girl alone. She's got enough to do without you in her ear.

Maybe I should ask for them to be moved, if they're going to start winding each other up again?

No, just means they're feeling better. It's how they keep each other going.

State of you!

Gerroff!

If you're laid up, maybe I could take charge for a change.

No chance. You can barely raise a smile most days.

I can manage. I'll get myself one of those electric chairs.

Sold! I'll even throw the switch.

THEY CHUCKLE

All right, I'll talk to them...

about moving in.

I have no idea what they're going to say, but...

..they're getting older and... they're going to fly the nest.

And I'm getting older. And, yes, you are getting older.

But life is full of missed opportunities, and...

..I'm really aware of what we have.

It's very beautiful...

..and it's very rare...

..and I want to hang onto it...

..if you want to.

That time of year thou mayst in me behold

When yellow leaves, or none, or few, do hang

Upon those boughs which shake against the cold,

Bare ruined choirs, where late the sweet birds sang.

In me thou see'st the twilight of such day

As after sunset fadeth in the west;

Which by and by black night doth take away,

Death's second self, that seals up all in rest.

In me thou see'st the glowing of such fire,

That on the ashes of his youth doth lie,

As the death-bed, whereon it must expire,

Consum'd with that which it was nourish'd by.

This thou perceiv'st, which makes thy love more strong,

To love that well, which thou must leave ere long.

APPLAUSE

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Doctor Clay

-Heston!

-Have a pastry.

-He's asked me to move in with him.

-Great.

-Oh, I'm confused.

-Look out!

-OH!

-Heston Carter, you are magnificent.

-My pleasure.

I'm also the bringer of good news - Mrs Tembe is returning to the fold.

Yey!

# You give me fever... #