Shirley Doctors

# The next big thing is here

# That the revolution's near

# But to me it seems quite clear

# That it's all just a little bit of history repeating

# The newspapers shout a new style is growing

# But it don't know if it's coming or going... #

-Doctor Clay!

-Heston!

Have a pastry.

I don't mind if I do. It's good to have you back.

It's great to be back now that Anthony's gone.

Yeah, you're not the only one thinking that.

-Listen, I've got some news for you.

-Uh-huh.

-I spoke to Mrs Tembe over the weekend...

-And?

And, with a little gentle persuasion,

she is coming in later today to discuss her future.

Oh, wonderful! Where is everyone else?

In the staffroom dealing with a Valerie situation.

A Valerie situation! There's a surprise.

Oh, I like those.

-It's... Do you want this one back?

-No, no, no.

Well, I thought I was drinking decaf but I'd picked up the wrong jar,

so I didn't get to sleep until 3:30am. And then I overslept

because my limited edition Mickey Mouse alarm clock just stopped.

Just like that. His little white hands just completely motionless -

broken.

So then I was rushing because I was late

and then my heel snapped off in the street.

So that's also broken.

Was your shoe limited edition?

What? No, it's from the supermarket, but that's not the point.

-Oh, sorry, is there a point?

-Yes... No, the point is that

everything happens in threes, doesn't it?

So today's going to be a complete nightmare.

Well, you need a new pair shoes.

Yeah, nightmare. Like I've got the money.

So I'm going to have to hobble around until I can get to the shops.

Let me have a look.

And the other one.

HE GROANS

There you go, no charge.

Hello, hello! Who do we have here?

-Heston, how nice to see you!

-Lovely to see you, too.

Now, I bring calorific treats to start the day.

Valerie, you look glum.

-Aren't you pleased to see me?

-Yeah, of course,

it's just I'm having a little situation.

A little situation, who'd have thought? Is it resolved?

-Well, I....

-We are making progress.

Cinnamon swirls! Heston Carter, you are magnificent.

My pleasure. I am also the bringer of good news,

Mrs Tembe is returning to the fold.

-Yeah!

-Oh, is she now?

-When's she coming?

Sometime this afternoon.

So I suggest we pull out all the stops to make her realise

-what she's been missing.

-Good idea.

I suppose.

What... What's the plan?

Make everything shipshape, tidy the office, reception...

Leave it with me.

And I'm going to order a cake because she loves cake.

See you anon.

B-b-b-b-b, these are mine.

The bag went that way.

-What a sight!

-Not at work!

-Quite right. Have a Danish.

-Oh!

Doctor Carter, as I live and breathe.

-Doctor Reid, I am back in abundance.

-So I see.

Welcome! No, thank you.

My body is a temple.

Praise be. I am preparing for the return of Mrs Tembe.

-Oh, is she coming back as well?

-She most certainly is.

I'll see you later and I'll see you later.

Well, I see that Shakespeare certainly did the trick.

Well, it did something.

-He's asked me to move in with him.

-Great!

-Oh, it's good news though, right?

-Yeah...

-No... Well, I'm confused.

-All right, when he asked you to move in,

did your heart skip a beat?

Pack your bags, girl.

-You're not listening to me, are you?

-What, sorry?

I was just saying, we could put some bunting up in Mrs Tembe's office.

Good idea.

-So where is it?

-Oh!

It's in the cupboard.

-Where's your head today?

-I don't know.

If this is about the shoes, snap out of it

before Mrs Tembe comes back.

Mrs Tembe's the problem.

Why?

I liked Anthony and he liked me.

-I'm not sure Mrs Tembe does.

-This is Mrs T!

Yeah, I know but...

Sometimes I get the sense that she doesn't understand me.

She is good at her job, sometimes I'm not.

What if she doesn't need me any more?

Why do you always make everything about you?

Today is about Mrs Tembe.

Get over yourself.

Sorry.

I mean, you see, she's fair.

I mean, you put in the effort and she will appreciate it.

Are you sure the bunting...?

Awful, isn't it?

It's... Very masculine.

It's brutal.

Howard loved it, Mrs Tembe will hate it.

-What can I do you for?

-I need you to talk to Zara.

About what?

-Well, I am still on a temporary agency contract.

-Mm-hm.

When I was ill I realised how vulnerable that made me feel.

So I spoke to Anthony and then to Zara

but nothing's happened.

So I'm still on a temporary contract and it's...

Well, it's unsettling.

I'm sure we can sort this out.

Maybe not today, I've just come back

and Mrs Tembe is coming back.

In fact, as practice manager,

-she would be the right person to talk to.

-Yeah, I suppose.

Cheer up! Don't look so glum.

-Oh, I need someone to run an errand this lunchtime.

-Oh, course.

Could you pick up Mrs Tembe's cake?

-Look out!

-Oh!

Oh, dear!

Are you all right?

Well, I think so. Are you?

Yeah, I'm fine!

Well, you don't seem particularly fine to me.

-Well, I am!

-SHE SIGHS

Sorry. Look, let me...

I should have looked.

No, no, no, no, I was rushing.

Who was the cake for?

-My boss, Mrs Tembe.

-Oh, dear!

-She's coming back today.

-Oh, dear. Was it cream?

Yes, I think so.

I like cream, I like cream and lemon curd, I like.

Are you sure you're all right?

-Is there someone I can call?

-Who?

-I don't know, family?

-No, I don't have any real family.

Where were you going?

-I don't know.

-You don't know.

-You were rushing.

-Yes, well, I'm late.

-What's your name?

-Shirley Bassey.

Shirley...

Did you bang your head?

Oh, it's broken! Look!

Look, Shirley, my name is Valerie.

I work in a doctor's surgery.

Why don't you come in and let them check you over?

I've no time, dearie. I'm meeting Tom Jones at the train station.

Please, come to The Mill, they can help.

No, thanks.

Just a minute... Hold on.

Look, if you feel dizzy or anything, just give me a call.

Please.

Will do.

Cheerio!

At least today can't get any worse.

-Perhaps it's just been dumped here.

-Who would leave it here?

-Ah, there you are.

-Heston!

-Ah, we heard you were back.

-Lovely to see you.

-You could have parked better.

-Oh, very funny.

-You look well.

-I've been well for quite some time.

Do you know who that belongs to?

-Because Mrs Tembe's going to be here any minute.

-Really?

Yes, apparently there's a practice manager's position available.

-Very funny.

-Can't we just pick it up?

No, an alarm goes off if you do.

Well, someone must know who it belongs to.

Valerie, do you know who this belongs to?

No, I just got back.

I was out buying shoes.

I thought you were getting Mrs Tembe's cake?

Yes, I was, but it's not ready so I'm going to get it later.

HE SIGHS

Good luck with the scooter. People, eh?

(Shirley!)

(Shirley!)

-Who are you talking to?

-Oh! No-one. I just... I just sneezed.

A-Shirley-choo!

-It's all the dust from these files.

-Oh, these files?

These files that I spent half my lunch time doing

while you just swanned off.

I didn't swan off. Heston asked me to collect Mrs Tembe's cake.

-Oh, great! Where is it?

-On its way.

Right, well, your bunting wasn't in the cupboard.

Oh, no, sorry! I forgot, I moved it.

It's in the staffroom cupboard.

Well, if it's not too much bother, can you finish off these, please?

No bother.

# Never know how much I love you...

-Heston's only just back and we're already in scooter-gate!

-I know!

# When you put your arms around me

# I get a fever that's so hard to bear

# You give me fever

# When you kiss me

# Fever when you hold me tight

# I get a fever

# Fever all through the night. #

Valerie!

I replaced the string.

-Do you want a chocolate peanut?

-No.

-No?

What are you doing here?

-I decided to come and help.

-Help who?

-You.

I don't need any help. I offered you help.

-Yes, well, thank you very much - I accept.

-What?! No, no...

-You see, you can't be here.

-Well, why not?

-This is where I work.

-Yes, I know that, you told me, remember?

Your boss is coming back this afternoon.

Exactly! So what are you doing in the ladies' toilets?

Being discreet.

-I am not listening to you.

-That's because you're narrow-minded.

-Me?

-I'm glad she's coming back.

-You're the one that's moaning.

I'm not moaning, I'm just saying that you're treating her

like she's the second coming or something,

and plainly she's not the second coming, in my opinion.

Well, it's the wrong opinion, I've missed her.

Anyway, she's better than Anthony.

She's just another boss, not that I'm defending Anthony -

he was a jobsworth - but when it comes down to it,

one penpusher is pretty much the same as another penpusher.

There's no point losing sleep over it.

Well, you've got no choice because she's on her way

and I'm running out of time. I need help!

No can do, I'm a trained medical professional.

-Bunting is not in my remit.

-We're all trained professionals!

All right, fine, let's be professional about this.

Now, I'm thinking of a number between one and three.

-What is that number?

-Two.

-Incorrect. 1.5.

You enjoy your bunting, professionals.

Hold up, lightning.

Just so happens that I'm doing the home visits schedule for this week

and I'm also thinking of a number between 15 and 60 visits

for a doctor who can't be bothered to welcome back a valued colleague.

What number is it?

Erm...

15.

Correct.

# You give me fever. #

Look, afternoon surgery is starting. Would you please come out of hiding?

Give me a hand with my cardie, will you?

God, it's too hot in here!

Why don't you just come through to reception and we can get you checked out?

There's nothing wrong with me, it's you! I told Tom.

You are not Shirley Bassey

and you do not know Tom Jones.

How do you know?

-Call him.

-What?

-Call Tom Jones.

-Well, I don't have his number.

-Funny that.

-No, I usually write.

-Is that so?

Look, I don't believe in phones.

Why don't you tell me what's wrong with you?

You're what's wrong with me.

Look, I just need you to come out of here now.

-OK.

-Really?

Absolutely, as soon as you tell me.

Fine!

Not that it's any of your business but since you asked...

I have recently got over cancer,

I failed to get married to a perfectly lovely man

for purely selfish reasons, I've got no family, no friends, and to top

it all my new-old boss is returning to work any moment

and I am here in the ladies' toilets with you

and your scooter is blocking the entrance!

SHE HUMS

Stick this on the door.

Move the scooter....

..and then we'll talk.

You said you would go.

I was lying.

# You give me fever. #

Look, I'm 48 -

I wish somebody had told me that I'd still be worrying about my kids.

-I know what you mean.

-Parenthood sucks.

Well, Chris is on the other side of the world.

You know, numerous girlfriends, steady job

and I still worry about him.

You need to get over it, and move in with Heston!

I'm sorry, we are trying to get it sorted.

-I'm just here for my 34-week checkup.

-Right.

-Who's on reception?

-I have no idea, but Rhiannon's my 4 o'clock.

-Shall we go through?

-Yeah, thanks.

-How have you been keeping?

-Where have you been?

-Sorting bunting.

Bunting! Patients are arriving,

there are confidential files all over reception.

-Well, Valerie was...

-I don't care! You're in charge, sort it out.

And see who owns that blasted scooter.

-Where have you been?!

-There's a problem in the toilets.

-Oh, no!

-No, I'm sorting it.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, the plumber's coming.

-Oh. Well, great, sorry.

-No, it's fine.

We need to get that thing moved

because Heston is going to blow a gasket.

Leave it with me. I'm just...

-Why are you not up here?

-I have no desire.

-Is it so you can look at my bum?

-I have no desire.

SHE LAUGHS

Done.

-Give me a hand.

-HE GROANS

-Looks good, doesn't it?

-Well, it's bunting.

Homemade bunting - Valerie made it. I wish I had.

-Well, Valerie's very arty.

-I'm arty!

-Yeah, course you are.

-No, seriously.

It was one of my best subjects at school. That and woodwork.

-You did woodwork?!

-I made a jigsaw.

-Hm, impressive.

-Rude.

-Did you just see that?

-What?

Valerie just rode past on a scooter -

like, a mobility scooter.

-What was she doing on a scooter?

-I don't know, she didn't say.

I wouldn't put it past her. She's a force of nature that one.

She's certainly something.

All the fancy kit in the world and it always comes down to

peeing in a pot.

You can learn a lot from peeing in a pot.

Are you checking for protein?

I know in the second half of pregnancy, protein can be an early

-sign of pre-eclampsia.

-Someone's been reading.

Oh, I am all over this pregnancy.

It's just peeing in a pot I have trouble with - I need a bucket!

Right, well, I can confirm there is no protein.

You're in top shape.

So shall we discuss your birth plan?

Done.

I want it to be natural,

-but whatever's best for the baby, you know?

-Mm-hm, I do.

# Where do I begin to tell the story

# Of how great love can be?

# The sweet love story that is older than the sea

# The simple truth about the love he brings to me

# Where do I start? #

(Shirley!)

-Valerie, thank you for doing the scooter.

-That's fine.

-Do you mind doing the files as well?

-Yep, on it.

All done.

Baby's in great shape.

Do you know, I rarely see anybody going into labour

with such a level-headed approach. Be proud.

Thank you.

I just want this baby to have the best start.

Yeah, well, you've done a great job.

So...

Any questions?

Erm...

I suffered from depression before.

Like, when this baby's taken, will that happen again?

No decision has been made yet.

Not officially.

OK...

If the worst happens, yeah.

Yeah, it will be difficult but you will get through it.

Talking about it helps with your partner.

Hey, and you come in and you see me or Doctor Reid.

Thank you.

What about my milk?

Will it hurt when it dries up?

Because I don't want it to hurt.

Hey, come here.

Oh, I'm ever so sorry, the ladies is out of action,

so you'll have to use the disabled.

-When's this plumber coming?

-He's on his way.

Oh, do you think Mrs Tembe's on her way?

I thought she'd be here by now.

-Still, the cake's not ready.

-When are you picking it up?

In a bit.

# I've got a fever... #

(She's the plumber.)

-You've drifted off again?

-Sorry, I'm just tired.

Do you think you're poorly?

-Because you were just sneezing earlier.

-I do feel a bit off.

Why don't you take five minutes and...

pick up the cake later.

-Oh!

-Where have you been?!

Looking round - it's nice.

-Do you fancy a chocolate peanut now?

-No.

Oh, go on, take one!

If you suck the chocolate off, there's always a nut inside.

SHE SIGHS

You know, my Gordon was a Presbyterian minister

and we travelled the world spreading the word.

Ah, Gordon's dead now and my hips are packed in,

but I still travel, visiting friends, family...

-Tom Jones.

-Tom Jones!

I thought you said you had no family.

No, no, I said I had no "real" family.

No, I have a huge family.

-The thing is, I like her.

-Yeah, me too

but the police said it was the worst case of neglect they'd ever seen.

I know.

But do we have the right to judge somebody on something that

happened seven years ago?

What if she's changed?

I'd like another chance.

-What?

-Nothing.

What?

I was just thinking that I wasn't a very good mother

when Chris was little.

And if I hadn't lost Howard's baby then I would have been

so much better the second time around.

I know I would.

Don't always get a second chance, though, do we?

Oh, what happened?

You fell asleep.

On the toilet floor?!

Well, it's warm. You should get the heating turned down.

-Why do things always happen to me?!

-Things happen to everyone.

You just let them get on top of you.

Have you not been listening?! My life is hard.

Everybody's is hard.

Deal with it!

Oh, dear!

OK, so you didn't get married for whatever reason,

but fine, you moved on.

You had cancer, you got better.

These aren't problems, they're life.

Yeah, but...

-But I'm so alone.

-No, you're not and you know it!

You're surrounded by friends and family.

Oh, come on!

What's the real problem?

I don't want to lose them.

-Well, you won't.

-I have ruined Mrs Tembe's cake!

It's just a cake

and Mrs Tembe's just a person.

Give her a chance!

PHONE BEEPS

-Well, what? What is it?

-It's Tom Jones.

Oh, he came! Lovely.

I gave him your number.

-Where is he?

-Outside.

Well, you'd better let him in then, hadn't you?

The thing is, she looked to me like she was coping.

What's up?

All that work and Mrs Tembe didn't show up.

Yes, well, she can be a bit of cow sometimes. Fancy a cuppa?

Oh, please!

What?

Well, nobody wears a cardie like that - nobody except Mrs Tembe.

She's here!

-Oh, it's so lovely to see you again!

-Yes!

-So you're Tom Jones?

-No! Tom Wu.

Only Shirley calls me Tom Jones.

-It's her warped sense of humour.

-Oh, he's my godson.

His grandparents stayed with us for a while in Edinburgh.

A while! Two and a half years.

They were refugees from Vietnam

and they've never forgotten her kindness,

-nor my parents or I.

-Oh, you great big softie.

Here we are, have a chocolate peanut.

You and your peanuts.

Well, I never leave home without them. I'm very organised.

-You're the least organised person I've ever met!

-Oh!

You decided to get the early train and we nearly missed each other.

Well, I wanted to look around Letherbridge

-and I'd never have met you if I hadn't.

-No, you wouldn't.

# For she's a jolly good fellow

# For she's a jolly good fellow

# For she's a jolly good fellow

# And so say...

# And nobody can... #

Erm, who are you?

I'm Tom, I came to fix a problem.

And I'm Shirley. I'm with him.

Oh, OK... I think I made a mistake. Sorry, folks.

-Yeah, easy mistake to make.

-(Shh!)

Well, Tom, I'm sure you are a jolly good fellow

-but, well, I have things to get on with.

-Yeah, me too. Tom, Shirley.

-Goodbye.

-So no Mrs Tembe?

-No Mrs Tembe.

-Sorry about that.

-I enjoyed it.

-Yeah.

-And everything fixed in there?

-Yes, it is.

OK, good...

You're not really called Shirley Bassey, are you?

Oh, yes I am. I'm a huge fan.

I changed my name by deed poll.

I did, look, look.

-Oh, and you're playing tonight.

-Tom's big on the folk circuit.

He has an EP coming out now.

Her fault, she bought me my first ukulele.

-You should come.

-Yeah.

-Well, I'll check my diary.

-We'd better get a shift on.

-Haven't you got something for Valerie?

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Shirley said she owed you one.

Oh, thank you - both of you.

-Honestly, thank you so much.

-No, it's our pleasure.

Right, now, you bring the scooter.

You better show him where you parked it.

# I'm going to need him till the stars all burn away

# And he'll be...

Cheerio!

# ..there. #

-Who's that with the plumber?

-Shirley Bassey.

-What?

Never mind.

Oh, I wish Mrs Tembe had turned up.

Well, don't worry. Have a chocolate peanut.

Oh, thank you!

What are you doing tonight?

-Oh, Mrs Tembe, you're back!

-I am.

We've been looking forward to your return.

So I can see.

Very thoughtful although a little premature.

Well, we didn't mean to jump the gun, it's just such a relief...

No, no, I understand, Dr Carter.

Please, do not think me rude, but I need to speak to the partners now.

It would be comforting for us to carry on where we left off -

for me to slip into the role of practice manager.

But that is not going to happen.

Although I could leave King's Green at short notice,

but I will not.

I have concerns here that need to be addressed.

Not least the dynamics with myself and the other members of staff...

..and with some of the partners.

However, if I am given autonomy to make all the relevant changes,

and of course if I am offered an attractive enough package

then I would be in a position to consider our future here together.

Who are you and what have you done with Mrs Tembe?

Welcome. Be she ever so humble.

There's no place like home. Come on.

Has Dad got another woman?

Hello, Mill Health Centre.

Oh, no, get lost!

-Has she had an attack?!

-I think so.

Call an ambulance, please.

I'm the most humble person you know, Jimmi Clay.