A Conscious Uncoupling Doctors

Aw, look at that beach.

What I'd do to be there now.

Well, they do some good all-inclusive deals.

That's a mixed blessing. Come home a stone heavier! THEY CHUCKLE

We could hire a car, do some exploring.

Mmm, sure. Just so long as the hotel's got a luxury spa.

I need to be pampered.

Of course, that's your prerogative.

Ah, Sri Lanka!

Is that within our budget?

Oh, I'd love to go back.

Sorry, petal. Weren't disturbing you, were we?

Oh, absolutely! It's really good publicity.

The more people read about the app, the better.

The APP.

App! A-P-P.

It's an application.

Do you remember the thing that I invented with Howard?

-That thing.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the one.

No, no, no, I'm fully prepared, I know what I'm going to tell them.

Listen, I've got to go, cos Jimmi's here.

Hello?

And she's gone.

-Your mum?

-Yeah, said she was really proud.

She's cock-a-hoop that I'm going to be in Letherbridge Life.

And, you know, finally bring some fame to the family.

And you've finally arrived. Just don't let it get to your head, eh?

Oh, that's not going to happen. I'm the most humble person you know, Jimmi Clay.

-What?

-Nothing.

We have to take Willow to the Golden Temple.

That's top of the list.

Isn't that where you went on your honeymoon?

-Sri Lanka?

-Yeah, that's right.

Where did you go just now?

Needed some fresh air. Gets a bit stuffy in here.

-Who's taking me to school?

-Me.

Sorry, love.

Heavy yoga day.

I'd better get going.

I'll see you tonight.

Gihilla ennam.

Goodbye in Sinhalese.

-Ah! That's more than I remember.

-Well, Sri Lanka's a great idea. I can't wait.

What?

This divorce.

Doing wonders for your marriage.

Morning, ladies! Have you heard the good news?

Mrs Tembe has finally agreed to come back.

Yeah. After a little bit of gentle negotiation.

Drove a hard bargain, did she?

Er, not really, just a few little things to be ironed out.

Is...

Is that a new perfume?

Yes! Well, no. I was just having a tidy up

and I found it festering in an old vanity bag.

It's not too musky, is it?

No, no, that's, er, that's very distinctive. And dare I say, very you.

SHE SIMPERS

Yeah, anyway, um, Mrs Tembe wanted to start by making a few little changes.

Such as?

Uh, well, I think the first thing she said was, yeah,

she wanted to make the place paperless.

Which is long overdue, don't you think?

So we need to start by pulling out all the old files

and going through and tugging out all non-essential items.

You know, hospital letters,

referral correspondence. An awful lot of it can be shredded.

So whatever you're doing, stop it and make that your number one priority.

OK? Great.

Look, you know how much I dislike the "D-word".

It has such negative connotations.

That's not how we're approaching this, your dad and I.

No, we're not using that word.

What about your solicitors?

Are they allowed to use it?

Must make life tricky.

What do they do, use semaphore or something?

Look, this is a really delicate time,

what with your exams and everything.

All the more reason that we should approach this in a positive way.

Yeah, some things might've changed...

Like the fact that Dad's moved out.

Yes. But we're still deeply committed as friends.

And as parents, of course.

-Is he seeing someone else?

-What?

Has Dad got another woman?

That's not what this is about.

Look, this is the trap that families can fall into,

they try to point the finger of blame.

SHE COUGHS AGGRESSIVELY

Look, if and when either of us decide to embrace new life partners,

then that should be looked on as a positive step.

Not as a source of recrimination...

Is your inhaler not working?

No. I'm fine.

I'm fine. SHE COUGHS

Well, he's taking it very seriously.

Letherbridge Life? Not exactly Esquire, is it?

Well, don't think his mum reads Esquire.

I hope he's brushed the crumbs off his tank top.

Nah, I don't think he's even shaved.

You know, Al's only vain about intellectual stuff.

-They'll be taking his photo, won't they?

-Yeah, I guess so.

-Oh, see if you can get him to run a comb through his hair, will you?

-Nah.

I think he said he would like them to "take him as they find him".

Hi, Emma. Are you doing anything tomorrow night?

'No plans.'

Awesome. Ayesha's free, too, I think.

Be our first proper night in together! The three musketeers!

'Maybe we should have, er...a curry night! I fancy something spicy.'

Cool! Yeah, I'll dig out my cookery books and I'll rustle something up.

'Well, I was thinking more of a takeaway. I don't want you going to any trouble...'

No, no, no! It's no trouble! Honest.

OK, see you later.

Hi. Are we too early for the drop-in clinic?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-'Alistair! It's Claudie, from Letherbridge Life.'

-Um, hello.

'I'm still waiting on your address.'

-Sorry?

-'I thought you were going to text it to me.'

'Right. Why was that?'

Well, we agreed to do the interview at your place, when we spoke last week.

Oh. OK. Somehow that didn't compute.

Right, I may have been a little bit...

'Just the number and the postcode will suffice.'

Wouldn't you rather meet me here?

Your surgery? No, no, no. That's not the ambience we want.

We're going for a more intimate feel.

Our readers will want to see you in your natural habitat.

Well, couldn't we just pretend?

-'The camera never lies!'

-Wait, wait, the camera?

'I've got our top photographer on board. Didn't I say?'

He's very excited.

Now, have you had a chance to think about your image?

Chic geek? Country gent?

Well, we can play around with some different looks.

Breathe normally for me, please.

Yeah, it does sound very tight.

It's definitely got worse in the last month or so, hasn't it, petal?

-I guess so.

-Do you know if you've been exposed to any triggers recently?

Say, animal hairs or dust mites? Smoke?

Um, maybe. I'm not sure. The house is pretty clean.

We don't have any pets.

Asthma can just sometimes get worse.

Oh, but it can get better, as well!

There are lots of variables.

I mean, negative emotions can also be a trigger.

Have you been experiencing any stress lately?

You could say that.

GCSEs. Her exams start next month.

Aw! That takes me back!

All that cramming and last-minute revision, it's a nightmare, isn't it?

Willow works very hard,

and even so, I suppose a little anxiety is only natural.

Well, I'll write you a prescription for an inhaler with a stronger dose

and hopefully that should help.

But if the chest tightening and the coughing stay the same,

or get worse, you will need to make another appointment.

Thank you, Doctor.

OK, listen up, listen up, I'm calling a meeting of the Cobra Emergency Committee.

The threat of social humiliation is clear and it is present.

What now?

I've just spoke to the journalist from Letherbridge Life

and for reasons I don't quite yet understand,

I agreed to do a photoshoot with them, to be staged at my house.

THEY LAUGH

I won't go into the gory details, but I had a brewing accident

over the weekend and the place is looking quite yeasty.

-How long have you got?

-Half-three.

But I need to text them an address, like, now-sap.

Get an agency to do an emergency clean?

No, there isn't time. It's beyond professional help.

It's true. I've seen his house and, er, yeah, he's not joking.

No, I'm not joking.

Well, what about outside? What's your garden looking like?

To be honest with you, I don't really know. I don't really go out there.

I mean, the grass is about yea high.

But they want to see me in my natural inventor's environment.

Oh, the pub?

Look, Jimmi, if you're going to say something, then say something useful! Come on, think.

We need, like, an inventor's laboratory. Somewhere cool. Somewhere chic.

Like a...

Like a bachelor pad!

Somewhere that's clean.

Somewhere that is obsessively clean.

-No.

-Please?

-No!

-Please?

-No.

-I will beg.

-You'll have to do more than beg.

-There goes my knees.

-Not a chance.

-Don't go down there...

-Jimmi, look. Jimmi...

-Are you watching?

Are you OK? What happened?

What are you doing here?

Your mum texted me.

It's no biggie, I'm fine.

We saw the doctor straight away and he's prescribed a stronger inhaler.

Great!

Well done, you.

What's with the jacket? I thought you were with one of your yoga disciples.

Our first session was cancelled.

Nothing now till this arvo, so I thought I'd make myself presentable.

Why don't I drive you to the chemist's, pick up the prescription?

No, it's all right, I'll get it on the way home. I'm already late for school.

OK, well, I'll give you a lift. Give you a chance to crack on.

Er, no. Thanks.

See you later, Mum.

Hang on, Willow. Why don't I drop you off?

Er, can you both stop fussing? It's, like, a five-minute walk.

Well, be careful!

I love you!

Love you!

My boiler's on the blink, plumber's there now. The whole house is a total mess.

Fine. The Clay concept of mess is different from mine.

But fine. Come on, Ayesha, think. You're my only hope.

Emma's place isn't exactly a bachelor pad, is it?

It doesn't have to be a bachelor pad.

I could say that I'm living with my maiden aunt.

No, Sid hasn't finished unpacking yet.

His boxes are all over the show.

Besides, I don't think you'd square it with Emma. Sorry.

Ooh, I've got it! And that place would look amazing in a magazine.

-What about Zara and Daniel's new place?

-Oh, for...

Yeah, they'd never agree to it, would they?

No, they wouldn't, and after their house-warming party,

I'm not to darken their door.

Why not? It's just a couple of photos. What's the big deal?

-Are you serious?

-Leave it with me. I'll talk to Daniel.

Brill. He'll "speak to Daniel".

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mill Health Centre?

Yes, we have a drop-in clinic from four till six.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mill Health Centre?

No, get lost!

PHONE RINGS

Mill Health Centre?

No, no, we haven't had anything handed in. Bye.

Who was the previous call?

Oh, it was someone asking me if I'd been sold payment protection insurance.

That hasn't been entered into the system.

Correct.

So why did you put it on the left pile,

when the things we can get rid of are going on the right pile?

Right.

That's only on the right if you're standing where you are.

-That's my right.

-Valerie!

Er, good afternoon.

Hey! Welcome back, stranger.

Congratulations.

Well, I see you have made a start.

Paper files truly belong in the ark.

In the meantime...

..perhaps we could take a little more care.

This information is highly confidential.

It's a massive task, isn't it? So...

Well, with an orderly system, it should not be so onerous.

Look, I have a few minutes.

I think between the three of us,

we can devise an alternative method.

Right, let's have a look here.

That's mine.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Yeah.

-Have you, er, got a minute?

-Yeah.

Um, I've, er...I've kind of been struggling with this King's Green business.

The way you played Harker, and sidelined the rest of us.

Well, the ends justified the means.

Yeah, but it's not very edifying behaviour, though, is it? Leaves a nasty taste.

What do you want?

Nothing, personally. Just a favour for Al.

-What's Haskey want?

-He'd like to use your house this afternoon

for a couple of hours.

-What for?

-He's got an interview with Letherbridge Life.

-No.

-Oh, come on. It's going to be great publicity for the practice.

-No.

Fine. I'm just playing you at your own game.

Bribery, coercion and all that.

I'm just not very good at it. It's second nature to you.

Zara would never agree to it.

Zara does not have to know.

Hey, superstar. Got your outfit sorted?

No, there's no point. I'm just going to cancel it.

They'll have to find themselves another local celebrity.

No! Think about your mom. She'll be gutted.

What was that? I could hear something.

KEYS JANGLE

Oh, there it is again. Ooh!

Are those the keys to the Granger-Carmichael estate?

Be careful with the Ming vase, yeah?

How did you do that?

Gentle persuasion.

Oh!

-See you later.

-Wow!

It's just so lame. Like they think I don't get it.

Dad's car. See you later, yeah?

SHE COUGHS

SHE COUGHS

Ciao, gorgeous.

Willow?

You that friendly with all your clients?

Amber's...an old friend.

Yeah? How old?

-What?

-Is she the reason you're getting divorced?

I hate you.

Willow!

As you can see, I have divided the work into five phases.

First is the labelling. We need to write A to Z

on all the scanned letters, unscanned letters, processed notes

and unprocessed notes.

Then we need to look at the boxes

and labelling them accordingly.

Once we have done that, we are on to phase three -

checking the content of each file,

and putting them in the appropriate box.

Then we will move on to phase four and five - scanning and shredding.

But this does not have to be done straight away.

After all, Rome was not built in a day!

I think, for the rest of the afternoon,

you should content yourselves on just labelling.

Yippee.

Right. Keep up the good work! Thank you.

Welcome back.

-Hi!

-Hi.

Just got a bit carried away at the deli.

They do the most amazing herbs and spices.

I just need to learn how to cook now!

HE LAUGHS

You OK?

Not really.

Do you want to sit down?

So...?

It's just my parents. They just keep pretending

they still love each other, when they obviously don't.

There's no harm in being amicable.

Otherwise you just get caught in the crossfire or feel like you have to take sides.

There's amicable and then there's this.

Every parent wants their child to be happy.

They're probably thinking of you as much as themselves.

They should just get on with it.

Most of my friends have parents who aren't together.

It's no big deal.

PHONE RINGS

-Sorry.

-No, it's fine.

I've bored you enough with my screwy home life.

Thanks for listening.

Good luck.

Hi, Ayesha.

Yeah, I was just checking to see if you're still OK for tomorrow night.

Cool.

Yeah, I'll be doing my Gordon Ramsay bit - a bit more polite!

BELL RINGS

Alistair?

Al. Welcome, be she ever so humble.

There's no place like home - come on in.

Sorry, that one was the bathroom.

This is the kitchen-lounge-diner area.

Um, and that's my...that's my laundry.

SHE LAUGHS

-Very nice.

-Thank you.

Somehow this wasn't what I imagined.

Please, take a seat on the sofa and, you know, hit me with your questions.

What a delightful family. Are they your relatives?

Who's that?

Oh, right. Um, no - that's Daniel and Jo. They're...colleagues.

-Colleagues? How sweet.

-Yeah.

There's Jo again...and that one's him, as well.

He's a great lad.

Hi, sugar. How was school?

I've just seen Dad.

With his new girlfriend.

Sorry?

How long have you known about her?

A little while. I've met Amber.

She's perfectly lovely.

How can you say that? Dad's traded you in for a younger model,

and all you can say is how lovely she is?

It wasn't like that.

I was the first to stray.

What?

I had an affair.

Nothing serious. Just a silly fling.

I was under a lot of pressure with work,

and me and your dad, well, it was like we were living separate lives.

It shouldn't have happened. I regret that it happened.

But it was more a symptom than the cause.

You mustn't blame your dad for the end of our marriage.

If anyone's to blame, it's me.

Who was he? Your bit on the side?

It doesn't matter. Like I said, it wasn't a serious relationship.

You're old enough to be his mother.

He's 34.

Whatever. Look, if you and Dad want to go to Sri Lanka, that's fine.

Just don't expect me to come with you.

My late business partner, Howard Bellamy and I, received...

..a very generous offer.

I'm talking big bucks.

But for me, that idea was never about gaining a massive personal fortune.

It was always - in a way - my gift to the universe.

I wanted to give something back.

So charitable of you.

I'm not motivated by monetary gain.

As long as I've got a roof over my head...

Quite a sizeable roof.

Thank you very much.

-OK, lovely. I think we've covered the invention.

-Brill.

But let's delve a little deeper into the real Al Haskey.

-The man behind the app.

-Delve away.

For example, what do you like to do for fun?

-For fun?

-Mmm.

I tell you what. Why don't you show me around your lovely house?

My house? Let's go have a look-see.

Go away!

SHE COUGHS

BELL RINGS

Is she here?

Yeah. She's in the garden, I think.

Who's that? Another toy boy?

It's the doctor.

It's, um, Willow's inhaler.

I'll, er...

SHE COUGHS

SHE GASPS AND COUGHS

SHE GASPS

SHE COUGHS AND GASPS

Willow?

Willow!

-Has she had an attack?

-I think so.

Call an ambulance, please.

Thank you. Willow? Willow?

MUFFLED VOICES

VOICES CONTINUE

VOICES CONTINUE

-Parp-parp!

-Just a touch more petulant.

Bring your head forward slightly. Try pursing your lips.

Love it! This could make the cover.

ZARA CLEARS HER THROAT

Oh, hello?

Hey, Z. Oh! A golf club - that is perfect. Let me have it.

GOLF CLUB SWINGS

Zara, I can see that you're upset but, you know,

to be fair, it was Daniel who forgot to tell you,

so you should be upset with Daniel. Yes, am I right? Ow!

-Feeling OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

You are going to need some more tests at St Phil's.

I'll take the car and I'll meet you there.

Do you have any idea what brought it on?

I found these in your bag. How long have you been smoking?

A couple of months. It's the one thing that relaxes me.

That attack wasn't relaxing.

No.

Cigarettes are never a good idea.

But for someone with asthma, I mean, that's got to be just about the worst thing.

-What the hell were you thinking?

-All right, Flo.

Now's not the time for a lecture.

When is the right time?

The alternate weekends she'll be spending with you and Amber?

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you're less concerned about your daughter's health

than your exciting new love life/mid-life crisis.

That's rich, coming from Cougar of the Year.

I can't believe you knew about this.

I caught her behind the shed one time.

I didn't know it was a regular thing.

Nicotine's addictive! Duh!

-You and that bimbo - you're a perfect match.

-Amber has got a PhD.

In what, hairdressing?

So I cut Willow a bit of slack.

Maybe I thought she'd appreciate having one parent who wasn't a total control freak.

Control freak? It's called being a grown-up.

-Are you feeling all right?

-Yeah.

-That's your answer to everything, isn't it - turn a blind eye!

-It's great, isn't it?

-Don't worry about the mortgage...

-What?

-..or the housework or your daughter's welfare.

-I've got normal parents.

-Cos you've got me to deal with it. Well, not any more!

So, ladies - productive day?

That's one word for it.

I've got labeller's elbow.

-What's that?

-It's like tennis elbow, only it's a bit more admin-based.

Ah, OK. Well, I understand Mrs Tembe lent a hand?

Good of her to muck in.

She didn't muck in. She wrote a chart and swanned off.

Think how much easier your job will be when everything's on the system.

I'll have keeled over by then.

The first day's the toughest.

Besides, going paperless was a precondition of Mrs Tembe

accepting the job and without her, we'd be in a much tighter spot.

PHONE RINGS If that's the case, Why don't you muck in?

-'Daniel, didn't you get my message?'

-Hi, Zara.

-'Why didn't you call me back?'

-Yeah. I've been meaning to call you all day.

'..harrowing experience. Are you listening? I thought we were being burgled.'

-Um, yeah, that's absolutely down to me.

-'Lounging around with some journalist and photographer

'in our house, taking pictures. What the hell is going on?'

Let's talk about it when I get home?

'We can take them to court for this.'

No. Come on. We're not going to sue anyone, Zara!

'Invasion of a house - it's absolutely outrageous.

'You'd better have a damn good explanation!'

Oh, boy!

-When have I ever let you down...?

-Get out of my way!

-What's got into you?

-Move!

What I'm trying to say is my relationship

with Heston has progressed.

-We're ready to move to the next stage.

-La, la, la, la.

Alia, I'm trying to talk to you.

-Looks nasty.

-Yeah. Hit a wall.