One of the Lads Doctors

Oh, here he is.

Right, boys.

-So, is it Heather's hen night tonight?

-Yeah.

She and the girls are off to a spa. Loads of pampering.

That's what she's told you. She's got you well trained.

Ha-ha. She thinks she has. It's the other way round. I...

MOBILE RINGS Oh, here we go.

Hello, sweetness. How's it going?

Yeah, I know, I know. Can't Mags sort that out?

You need to relax, stop stressing.

All right, I'm only trying to help.

Yeah. All right.

Well, don't worry about that now. We've still got the others.

Just try and enjoy the night, yeah? It's your night.

Try and enjoy the party.

All right.

Yeah. I will. I will. All right, babe.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

-Oh, dear. What's up?

-Disaster.

-One of the bridesmaids has got chicken pox.

-How many has she got?

-Six.

-Six?!

-Well, five now. It's all these little cousins.

You leave one of them out, it's like Armageddon.

Heather gets herself in a right state.

I try tell her to chill, I just get my head bitten off.

Your life for the next 50 years, mate. Get used to it.

-It's not, is it, Sarge?

-No. you won't last 50 years!

Oi!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Boys? You decent? Sarge.

-Anita!

-Don't worry. I've seen it all before.

Dave, tonight, I'm getting a taxi. Do you want to share?

No, no. We're sorted. Best man's organising transport.

You'll probably go to the wrong pub then.

Guys, guys. Good news. My transfer came through today.

I'm going to be moving to Nottingham. Same station as Heather.

-You what?

-Ah. So you are leaving us then.

-Yeah.

Saw the Super today, handed my notice in.

I'll need a reference.

Yeah, course. Someone's got to warn them.

Congratulations.

Better be off.

Right, I'll see you later.

Oh, Dan.

Glad I caught you.

-I need your advice.

-Is it urgent?

Yes. It's about tonight.

We're all going to the Icon with Mrs Tembe.

-What? Everyone?

-No, just us girls.

But I was just wondering how to play it.

How do you mean?

Well, I'm not allowed to talk about anything personal.

I have got some safe neutral topics. The weather, gardening, maybe pets.

Oh, I could talk about Mrs Tembe's church, but that's religion,

so it might be a bit contentious. Definitely not politics.

Valerie, you're going to the pub. What would you normally talk about?

-I'm trying to be professional and not gossip.

-There you go.

Don't gossip. OK? I've got to go. Have fun.

Yeah, that's that one. I appreciate you staying on.

Are you sure you wouldn't rather be down the Icon?

A wild night out with Mrs T? No, thanks.

What about you?

Sheree Stirling. Date of birth, 27th of May 1984.

Type 1 diabetes. Recovering alcoholic.

But I think she's staying off the booze.

Yeah, she's been dry for about a year now,

which considering what she's been through...

Yeah, right foot amputated. It's healing well though. She seems

-to be looking after herself.

-Understandably, she's depressed.

Yeah.

Diabetic retinopathy impairs her eyesight,

which makes it difficult for her to inject her insulin.

-She is managing though.

-Mm.

-Is she still smoking?

-Like a chimney.

Says it helps her stay off the booze.

We've agreed she's going to try and cut back.

Right.

Assessing the care plan. We know how to live it up, don't we?

-You look beautiful, as usual.

-You all right, Sarge?

All right?

-What are you wearing?

-Antlers.

-It's a stag do. Come on, it's traditional.

-Really?

Evening, all.

-Anita, wow!

-Just Anita will do.

-You look hot.

-Yeah.

Didn't recognise you.

-I thought the stripper must have come early.

-You're having one then?

Paul, I promised Heather there wouldn't be a stripper.

Heather doesn't have to know, does she?

-What happens at the stag do stays at the stag do.

-She better not know! She won't be happy.

-She's never happy about anything.

-Anita, antlers.

I'm not wearing those. They look daft.

-It's a rule. You have to.

-Is this everyone?

Nah, I've got people coming down from the station later.

And I've got my mates coming from Manchester. They'll be here.

They'd better be. I ordered food for 30.

Well, that's you sorted, isn't it, Paul?

What are the rest of us having? Here you are, Anita. Help yourself.

-How's the new place, Dave? You and Heather settling in?

-Yeah. It's fine, yeah.

Heather's bought all this stuff. You know, cushions.

Goodbye Letherbridge, hello Nottingham.

End of an era. Only seems like yesterday, I was training you two..

-Someone had to get you to use the litter tray.

-Ha-ha.

Right, where's the drinks? I'm gasping.

-Go to the bar. We've got a tab.

-I'll come with you.

-No, I'll get these.

Pints all round?

-MOUTHS:

-Hormones.

So, we were wondering why you had invited us all here.

We thought maybe you wanted to start a book club or something.

Yeah, or a girl band.

Not again. Never again.

She's joking.

I just thought that it would be nice, like you said,

to have a social gathering.

Oh, hello. We're being ogled over there.

-The bloke.

-I know him.

-It's JJ.

-What?

-Ah, so now, it makes sense.

He's a special friend, I wanted you all to meet.

Oh, you dark horse!

Hello, gorgeous. Ladies.

Right. Let me introduce you to everybody.

Of course, you know Sister Ruhma Hanif from the hospital,

Miss Valerie Pitman.

Hello. You were at the pheromone... You were at the hospital.

-This is Mrs Karen Hollins. And Dr Emma Reid.

-Hi.

Cracks me up the way you introduce people. Miss Valerie Pitman.

It's like a Jane Austen novel.

-Oh, are you a fan of Jane Austen?

-Isn't it obvious?

It's the crinoline, gives it away.

JJ is very cultured.

Come, come. Come and sit down.

And now you are here, I will get us all a drink.

You realise once Heather passes her sergeant's exams,

she'll be your boss, ordering you about.

Mind you, she does that anyway.

-I don't mind. I like strong women.

-Thank you, Anita.

-Who's the short for?

-Me.

-Thought so. Going to get some food.

All right, Neet. Slow down. Pace yourself.

I could drink you lot under the table.

-Oh, you reckon? We'll see.

-Make the most of it, mate.

Last night of freedom.

No, it's not. I'm fine. I'll be living the dream.

Nightmare, more like.

A nice house. Everything on tap. Sounds good to me, mate.

You're seriously doing this?

Getting married?

That's the idea.

-What about us?

-There is no "us", except in your dreams.

-Can we...talk?

-This isn't the time or the place.

When is the time or place?

We're mates. We'll still be mates. There's nothing to talk about.

-We cool, yeah?

-Yeah.

Totally. I'm just going to um...

Well, that was awkward.

Anita fancies me. I don't know why. I've never encouraged her.

She's always coming on to me, ever since me and Heather got engaged.

Even tonight. I mean, you saw that. I don't know what to do.

She's embarrassing herself. I've told her to stop,

but she doesn't seem to be getting the message.

-Maybe I should just talk to her.

-Well, I wouldn't.

If she fancies you, that's the last thing you should do.

Will you talk to her then, Sarge?

-Me?

-She'll listen to you.

Try and sort it out before everyone gets here. Please.

Right, so you'll talk to the consultant and I'll talk to

him about trying CBT.

Al?

-Mm.

-Al.

I concur.

-Right, that's it. I'm ringing the home time bell.

-Yeah.

I'm not in a hurry though. My brother Karl's staying.

-You don't fancy some quality sibling time?

-No, he's driving me mad.

-What's he done?

-That's the problem. Nothing.

He doesn't even get out of bed half the time.

Just sits around in his pyjamas, surfing the internet all day.

Well, that's my average weekend.

It's embarrassing. Emma's putting him up. I'm cleaning up after him.

It wouldn't kill him to say thank you, but he can't be bothered.

Doesn't do a thing around the house.

I thought the army was supposed to be all about spit and polish,

making your bed, shining your shoes.

The man's a bit of a slob. There are worse things you can be.

He doesn't care about anybody but himself.

Doesn't talk to Emma or Sid. He hardly even talks to me.

Doesn't ask how I am. Hasn't called Sierra, or Debs, or Tracey.

-But he's a bloke.

-OK, so he split up with his girlfriend.

I split up with Tyler. I didn't sit around wallowing.

All right, I got drunk one night and then I got on with my life.

Do you think he might be depressed?

No, I think he needs a kick up the backside.

Right, and that's a recognised medical procedure, is it?

It should be.

-Feel better?

-Yeah.

You're sticking up for Karl. Maybe you should try living with him.

Sounds like you'd be perfect together.

Right. I'm going to go outside for a smoke, but you stick around.

I've got a proposition for you.

You all right?

Yeah.

Why don't you back off?

I really don't think he's worth it, Anita.

-Right, my round. Everybody having the same?

-Please.

No, I will have a half.

Of?

Ale. Well, JJ introduced me to it.

-He's got you drinking now then.

-I think it is nice to try new things.

-Sit down, love. I'll get these.

-No.

Oh...

-I've forgotten. I'm brassic.

-Don't worry. I will pay.

-Sorry, it's my daughter's gas bill.

-Layla? The one at university?

Yeah. Students. No idea about money.

Her and her friends ran up this huge bill and the company was

threatening to cut them off.

-I wasn't having that, so I paid it.

-Of course.

Look, I will get these. You go back and be sociable.

Oh, OK. So it looks like Mrs Tembe's round again.

-Wrong loo. Gents is next-door.

-Well, I wanted to see if you're OK.

I'm OK, so you can go.

Neet, seriously. What did you think was going to happen?

-Did you think I was going to ditch Heather and cancel the wedding? Marry you instead?

-No, course not.

-You're not into all that stuff anyway. Marriage and romance.

-Yeah, I know, but I thought...

I mean, I think of you as one of the lads, basically.

That's not true. You're not having sex with Paul.

Look, it was fun. It was never serious.

Friends with benefits, that's all it was, we agreed.

-And now you're leaving.

-I'm getting married.

-Not till Saturday.

-No, stop it.

-Come on.

-No!

-Why not?

-I'm not cheating on Heather.

-It's never bothered you before.

All this time, you've been engaged.

I'm serious. I'm not cheating on her.

We've got to knock this on the head, yeah?

Are you going to be all right about this?

I'll have to be.

-Well, you wanted to talk. We've talked.

-Yeah.

Right then.

Do you fancy going to the pub? It doesn't have to be the Icon.

There are other places.

-You said you had a proposition.

-Yes. Um...

I'm going home tomorrow. It's a duty visit for my dad.

They're blessing a bench or something.

And you're telling me this because...?

Because I'm worried about Mother.

I don't think she's eating properly or taking care of herself.

So, what, you want me to come and examine her?

Let's think of it more of an assessment.

She'll find it easier talking to a woman.

-You're asking me to work on my day off?

-Oh, come on.

It'll be a nice, you know, day trip out.

You said you wanted to get out of the house.

A trip to the countryside,

-a nice olde worlde English village in the sunshine.

-You liar.

You said it's Deadsville. There's one old man's pub that barely keeps on going,

and it smells of a pig farm when the wind's in the wrong direction.

-I'll pay you.

-How much?

-£50.

50 quid?! That's not even minimum wage. Haskey, you're hardly selling it to me.

-All right, fine.

-£200. I'll drive, I'll even throw in lunch. Come on.

I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate.

Done.

-Thank you. You're a mate.

-I just need the money.

-All right?

-Yeah.

Let me guess. You offered yourself and he knocked you back.

Everyone knows about you and Dave.

-Everyone?

-Well, not the Sarge.

And not Heather, obviously, but the rest of us.

What? And you all discuss me? Marks out of ten?

Dave was very complimentary.

Anyway, never mind him. He's getting married.

That's his funeral. The rest of us are single.

Maybe I can console you.

-What?

-I'm offering. No strings. No fuss. Just the way you like it.

We're mates, aren't we? Anyway, now you can't have Dave,

maybe you want someone to keep your bed warm.

-Drop dead!

-Come on, mate. Don't be like that. Beggars can't be choosers.

Ah, it's Candice, right?

Just in time. Dave, this is Candice.

-Candice, Dave.

-Hey! Wahey!

-Not staying, Sarge?

-Back in a minute. All right, Cheryl?

Oh, yes, lads!

Heather, it's me. Anita.

I know you won't get this message till later, but there's

something you should know about Dave before you marry him.

I was a Madonna fan. And REM, if I was feeling profound.

We had the best music. The rubbish kids are into these days.

You expecting a call, JJ?

-One of my boys.

-Oh, you've got kids? How many?

-Four.

Wow! Do they all get on?

-Well, I expect they would if they met.

-They haven't met each other?

They don't live together. They're scattered far and wide.

Oh, do you mean you're a sperm donor?

-Not that it's any of my business.

-Not officially, no.

Here you are, look. I'll give you the full list.

There's my oldest, Layla. She's in Salford, with her mum, Lisa.

Archie in Glasgow, with his mum, Maureen.

Zach's in Brixton, with his mum, Zebbie.

And Brittany in Portsmouth, with Julie. She's my youngest.

She's eight.

-After Britney Spears?

-No, Brittany, the place.

It's where she was, you know, conceived.

Right. The food is on its way.

-Four kids by four different mums? Did you know that?

-Yes.

Yes, JJ has told me all about them.

-I've sown my wild oats.

-I'll say!

I think, if you do that, you've got to take responsibility.

-Oh, and pay a lot of child support.

-Ahem.

-You need to sober up.

-Do I?

Listen, I'm going to head off in a minute and get in a cab.

-Why don't you come with me? I'll drop you off.

-I want to stay.

Why?

You do know that the new DCI's coming?

Even the Super said he was going to show his face.

You don't want to embarrass yourself in front of the brass.

-Do yourself a favour.

-Excuse me.

No, you should have taken the second exit.

Dave, it's Jason and the lads. They're in a taxi with a dodgy GPS.

-They're lost.

-Tell them to look out a map then.

-Where's Anita?

-Outside, I think.

I've just had Heather on the phone in a flood of tears.

-Really? You shouldn't have upset her then.

-I haven't done anything.

It's you, ringing her and telling her a load of lies.

I didn't. I told her the truth, about you and me.

There is no you and me!

-There's nothing!

-Fine. What are you worried about then?

-I'm going to get some food.

-I'm not going to let you ruin this.

-Boys, I'm going.

-What? Where?

-The spa place. I've got to go and talk to Heather.

Mate, you can't walk out on your own stag do.

-There's four people here.

-Come on, Dave.

-The lads.

-You look after them.

You're the best man. Sarge, are you going to stay?

-I suppose so.

-This is mad. Sarge, tell him.

It sounds like you've got a lot to do, so just go.

MOBILE RINGS

What Anita said, it's all lies, you know?

She's just being vindictive. She propositioned me earlier

-and I turned her down.

-Save it.

Just go.

-So, were you at university, or college?

-University of Life.

No. Know where I got a real education? Inside.

-Inside what?

-You were in prison? What for?

Karen.

Stupid stuff. Thieving, handling stolen goods, TWOC-ing.

Stealing cars...

That's right. But I learned a lot in the nick.

Yeah, well, they do say it's the University of Crime.

Yeah, course.

Some people just learn to be smarter criminals, but you know what?

It was the making of me.

How come?

Look, I was all over the place. I had no qualifications.

Hadn't really bothered much at school.

I needed boundaries. Structure.

Being inside gave me that.

And I got an education, skills. It's where I learned to be a mechanic.

-And he is a very good one.

-Well, I know ex-prisoners who say the same.

And you knew about this as well?

Yes. Yes, we have talked about it.

We have no secrets from each other.

-Have we, Winifred?

-No. I know about JJ's past and he knows about mine.

-Well, excuse me. I've got to powder my nose.

-I'll join you.

-Does he seem like a right chancer to you?

-I don't know what to think.

Same again, please, Dave.

Sarge.

You knew about me and Dave.

None of my business really.

But you did know?

Yeah.

Makes sense.

Paul said everyone knew, so I thought Heather should know too.

What she does about it is up to her.

What do you expect him to do? Leave Heather for you?

No.

He wouldn't.

He never pretended, never promised me anything, I didn't ask.

I was grateful for what I could get.

I know. Pathetic.

And what do you get out of it?

I'm not like Heather.

I'm not into all that wedding planning, settling down,

-and playing house. I like my independence.

-Ha-ha.

Your independence?

Is that what this is? Sitting here, waiting for him?

I know, all right? I've been stupid, I've been had!

But you're not stupid, Anita.

So, why don't you cut your losses, go home, and you'll get over it.

No, I'm staying!

-What's the point?

-I want him to come crawling back.

I want Heather to kick him out.

That'll wipe the smile off his face and that's worth staying for.

An...

Anita!

You'll never guess what's happened.

Mrs Tembe is going out with a biker and he's got loads of wives

and children. No, I don't mean wives. He's not a Mormon.

But he has got lots of exes and he's been to prison.

And she's started drinking beer. Is this gossip?

Anyway, maybe I shouldn't be telling you this,

but I just thought you and the other partners should know.

Anyway, it's Valerie.

Call me when you get this message. OK? Bye.

-Great food.

-Yeah. Well, the late shift finishes any minute,

-so the lads will be here soon.

-The more, the merrier!

Dave! All right?

Mm, yeah.

Everything's sorted.

I told her everything, pretty much.

I apologised and I'll do some more tomorrow.

-So, the wedding's back on. Oh, good.

-It was never off, you know?

Me and Heather are solid.

Anyway, she's not going to cancel it now, is she? She's not daft.

Anita...

-I've got to head off.

-You're still going to come to the wedding though, aren't you?

-I'd like you to still come as a mate.

-Heather won't like it.

-She'll be all right.

-I doubt it.

-She will. I'll talk to her.

Thing is, I've got something else on.

You know me, Dave. I'm not into weddings and romance and all that.

I think I'll skip it, if you don't mind.

TEXT ALERT

It's the lads. They're downstairs, getting drinks.

So, er... Beer?

Tequila.

I need to head off as well.

Sarge, have you got any, you know, advice on married life?

Have I got any advice on married life? Oh, yeah.

If you think that Heather's going to be OK with you having Anita

on the side, then you're more stupid than I thought you were.

-I've been a bad boy, but not any more.

-You lied to me.

You thought I didn't know. And you wanted me to do your dirty work.

-I've never lied on the job.

-Do you know what, son?

I don't think you're going to have a long and happy marriage.

I give it a year, if you're lucky.

-And, oh, yeah, can't make Saturday. I'm going fishing.

-There he is!

DRUNKEN CHEERING

-How are you, buddy?

-Congratulations.

Let's get this party started.

CHEERING

-Took your advice.

-Yeah. Good.

You OK now?

Much better now.

I wanted to have a go at Dave.

Punch his lights out. Do something stupid.

Mm, I thought you might.

-When he came back, there was no point. Nothing gets to him.

-No.

I know I'm as guilty as him, but I get all the blame.

I'm the evil marriage wrecker, not him.

Yeah, but he's the one who's going to be a prat all his life.

He is a prat.

And I spent all this time running round after him.

Everything was on his terms.

You know, when I started this job, I wanted to be one of the lads.

It was easier. I fitted in.

Then you get stuck with it, you know?

I thought I was accepted.

Respected, even.

Just a joke, all along.

Do you know what?

You are a better copper than all that lot.

And you can do far better than Dave.

TEXT ALERT

My taxi's here.

Although, I don't envy you trying to find someone this day and age.

Thanks, Sarge(!)

There's cheerful(!)

Yeah. Go on, go home. I'll see you at work.

Bye.

'The person you've called is not available.'

-BEEP

-Hi, love. I'm coming home.

Put the kettle on. See you in a bit.

Bye.

-Listen, we have to do something, Mrs Tembe and JJ?

-OK, he's got baggage.

-But haven't we all?

-None of us have been in prison.

-Though it's been close a few times.

-Funny.

I know he's a bit of a rough diamond,

but I genuinely think that he's a decent guy.

And he makes Mrs Tembe happy.

He's an ex-prisoner and she is bankrolling him.

Listen, Mrs Tembe is an adult.

-And it's not for us to decide who she can and cannot date.

-OK.

And what if he's a con artist and he takes her for everything she's got?

Right. Well, as you are all here, I have an announcement.

-You're not getting engaged?

-No.

As you know, I have got some annual leave coming up and I'm going

to take a biking holiday.

For both of us.

My treat. We are going to be hitting the road.

You're kidding!

-Sounds great.

-Where will you be staying?

Well, I haven't really booked anywhere yet.

We will just go where the fancy takes us.

It will be our adventure.

JJ, stop!

Mother, Ayesha. Ayesha, mother.

-Careful of my glasses.

-Careful where you put your hand.

-Hold my hand then.

-Ooh! That's not my hand.

Is he happy, dear? Al?

Today's for your father. Surely, he deserves to see you at your best.

-OUT OF TUNE:

-# The Lord is my shepherd... #

That's high. It's too high.