Goodness and Mercy Doctors

# The Lord is my shepherd

# I shall not want

# He maketh me... #

Just do your best.

That's all me, your mum, or God ever want you to do, Alistair.

-Always do your best, son.

-CROAKING

Alistair?

Yes?

What have you done?

I bought this filter online,

it's supposed to increase engine efficiency by like 5,000%.

But the instructions are all in Mandarin.

So, sorry to waste your time, but, er, no road trip for us today.

I thought we could just hang out here instead.

You said they're naming something for your dad, you can't not go.

-Well, tell that to the car.

-Well, take mine.

200 quid, you said. Plus, you can pay for my petrol.

It's going to take all day.

Yeah, well, I've seen these boots in the Bullring

and they are worth giving up my day off for.

All right.

And you'll cast your nurse's eye over Mother,

make sure she's coping all right.

I'm going to give you a clue, she's not.

So talk some sense into her. But be subtle, as well.

What does talk sense mean?

You know, she doesn't have to live in that big old house all alone,

there are other options.

Hows-about we make it 300 quid?

ORGAN MUSIC

SHRIEKING

-Ah!

-HEARTBEAT SOUNDS

Ooh...

Oh, whoo!

GENTLE RADIO MUSIC Always rains in the countryside.

Your dad must have been pretty important

if they're naming something after him.

It's a bench in a graveyard.

I'd like something named after me.

Bring some honour to the family name.

My mother says I have to make a speech at the naming ceremony.

I should ideally say something nice, yeah?

Yeah.

My dad ran my cub scout pack.

You know, I grew up in the middle of nowhere.

There's no kids my own age, so he sets a pack up for me.

Just me and him.

I got every badge but one.

-That's nice enough, isn't it?

-Yeah, talk about that.

I can't.

The, er, cub scouts kicked me out.

It's a subject Mother refuses to revisit.

What did you do to make them kick you out?

Mm. I don't recall.

Right. Are you sure you don't want a wee break?

These country lanes are slow going.

I'm not going in the bushes, you hillbilly. I'll wait.

The Archbishop came to our church to hear you sing,

not to be lectured on African tree frogs and Charles Darwin.

Not to see a priceless tapestry get a bloody great hole burnt in it.

Why?

Answer me, why?

Mother doesn't know I smoke, so don't tell her that either.

Addiction is a serious thing.

Would you like me to give you a leaflet?

Pull over here, just here.

OK, before we go in, some words of warning...

Mother is so religious.

She says grace before a cup of tea.

I mean, they're all Christians.

Just nod and avoid eye contact,

or they'll be offering to baptise you or something.

Ayesha, mate...

You're probably going to be the only person of, you know...

What? The only brown girl in the village?

Safe. Bring it on.

Right, the safe word will be "Dr Carmichael needs us back".

If I say that, it's code red and you take to your heels.

Why are you so nervous? Stop being weird.

-What's the safe word?

-"Dr Carmichael needs us back"!

I've always had a very keen sense of when I'm not liked.

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC This place is where I learnt it.

Have you brought someone with you?

Hello, Mrs Haskey. I'm Ayesha.

I had to pop to the little girl's room.

The journey was further than I expected.

You've got such a lovely home.

Mother, Ayesha. Ayesha, Mother.

Hello. Thank you.

Welcome.

Just a friend. Eh, dear?

Shall we have a cup of tea?

We're colleagues, actually, Mother.

I'm having a spot of car trouble and Ayesha very kindly gave me a lift.

You've been smoking, you silly goose.

Stop it before it gets to be a habit.

His father struggled for years, trying to give up smoking his pipe.

My grandfather had one. Nasty habit.

See? Pretty girls don't like smokers.

Have you been taking your colchicine, Mother?

I could write you another prescription if you like.

He's showing off now, going all professional on me,

throwing out all these big words.

I don't want you to be in pain, do I?

Shall I pour the tea?

Thank you, Ayesha. It's a busy day. Any help much appreciated.

All right. Can I help?

Yes. Can you have a look at your father's computer?

It's started making beeping noises.

I don't know what to do with the blooming thing.

Al's the man who knows how to fix things.

-Maybe not cars.

-AL SIGHS

"Get the boy to fix..."

Handwriting.

"E-mails".

"Fix e-mails".

COMPUTER BEEPS

Fixed.

PHONE BEEPS

'Alistair, these things won't send. Why would this be?'

'Your mother is wondering

'if you'd like to come and meet the new vicar.'

'Our cruise gets back on the 15th.'

'I'm pressing send and nothing happens.'

'The Royal Mail was quicker than this e-mail business.'

Alistair! It's Halley's Comet! You're missing it!

It's much clearer in real life.

PHONE BEEPS

I don't want to get it everywhere.

Oh, no, no, the more air the better.

It's worth the effort to get it right.

I thought I might go for a bit of a wander.

Do you want some money for the pub?

I wasn't necessarily going to go to the pub.

He's going to the pub.

-SHE SIGHS

-The service starts at five.

We will start without you if you're late.

Have you spoken to her yet?

Use the standard questions.

The sooner you do, the sooner we can get to go home.

When do we get to rub it all in?

Sweetheart, will you send a text thing to the vicar for me?

Ooh, I always enjoy a bit of froth.

You're definitely a Haskey.

-Am I?

-Mm-hm. That.

Your dad would do that.

And hands in pockets.

I'm Frances Harrison.

I'm a friend of your mum and dad's, they will have mentioned me.

Oh. Thank you.

-What for?

-Eh?

What are you thanking me for?

I don't know.

Um, thank you for being their friend, I suppose.

-Sorry, I'm Al. What was your name again?

-Frances.

-Frances.

-Frances.

-Yeah.

-Got it.

I'll give Mary-Jane a hand to change the barrel later.

-Oh. You work here?

-No.

Oh.

So you were, er...

You were friends?

Mm, from church. Well, work and...

We're trying to keep his quiz nights going.

Yeah, I didn't know he did that.

Your dad's proven to be irreplaceable.

Ooh, have you seen the bench yet? We are really pleased with it.

Work brought me here mostly.

And I'm glad it did.

It feels like home.

Took me years to escape this place.

After you.

Right, um...

Full disclosure. I was banned from this church.

If I was to come in, the vicar might release his hounds.

Everyone's welcome at St Dominic's.

Especially old choirboys.

-GATE CREAKS

-Come on.

That is good.

It's best straight out of the oven.

So how do you know the recipe?

It's my grandmother's.

Is it written down, or do you know it from memory?

Oh, it's a simple sponge, sweetheart.

When you're making things for other people,

do you sometimes forget to make sure you've eaten yourself?

No.

Never? I do. Sometimes.

The last nurse who visited me asked me that.

And she was silly enough to think I couldn't look after myself.

I hope you don't think that, dear.

Or did Alistair put you up to this?

The Henry Haskey Memorial Bench.

-What do you think?

-Mm.

Oh, it's more comfortable than it looks.

This was your dad's spot.

He used to stand here after every service, greeting people.

Isn't that the vicar's job?

Oh, I'm sure the vicar didn't mind.

The trees have got bigger.

Yeah, well, a tree will tend to grow.

Sunshine, rain, time.

-Photosynthesis.

-Oh, my goodness.

This way.

He told me about the cub group. Just the two of them.

Henry enjoyed that so much, their adventures in the woods.

But then Alistair got all these new ideas.

There were lots of protests.

Proclamations nailed to the church door.

He once dressed up as Satan when the parson came to Christmas Dinner.

He played heavy metal through the fete sound system.

"Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter."

Oh, he sounds like he was trouble.

No-one was really shocked, they just got rather bored with him.

Our friends started to tense up around us.

Henry and I had to work really hard to repair our reputation,

and we still have that.

Well...

Well, of course, now it's just me and my memories.

And new friends.

Is he happy, dear?

Al?

Is Al happy?

Um...

He has things that make him happy.

I think.

Good, good.

He doesn't look after himself, living on his own.

You will keep an eye on him, won't you, dear?

No, that's not happening, I'm in my 40s.

I'm sure I carved something.

-Can you see?

-Give me a bunk.

-Hey?

-Eyes front, thank you.

-Right. Ooh. Two, three...

-AL STRAINS

Careful of my glasses.

Careful where you put your hand.

-Hold my hand, then.

-Ooh! That's not my hand.

Sorry. Can you see anything?

-Yep...

-SHE STRAINS

Ooh. Down, please.

OK. Oh...

THEY STRAIN

Whoo!

Hi.

I found treasure.

Where?

Ooh. A pipe.

That...

-That's Henry's.

-Oh.

"To the BBC...

"Leave Doctor Who alone, or there will be ramifications.

"You have been warned".

OK, in 1985 they tried to cancel Doctor Who.

I stand by that letter. SHE LAUGHS

A bus ticket.

Oh.

A badge for astronomy.

And one telescope.

Potentially of pirate origin.

I have to ask you something.

There are stories.

Well, I mean, I say "stories", I mean infamy.

This church used to be in possession of a tapestry.

The Tapestry of St Dominic?

The Patron Saint of Astronomers.

-That's the fella.

-What of it?

Well, it was priceless, they say.

And now, with inflation, even more priceless. And, um...

A cheeky choirboy, in an act of vandalism, burnt it down.

I did not burn that tapestry.

Although I've taken plenty of blame for it.

Oh, objection, m'lud. Did you or did you not cause that fire?

Maybe.

My frogs certainly contributed to the confusion.

The African dwarf frog.

They were just local frogs.

Took me ages to round them all up.

I just wanted to stir debate.

Mm.

You're going to be speaking later on, aren't you?

Should I have a fire extinguisher on standby, or...?

I'm not sure it's right for me to say anything.

We weren't close.

It's normal to have regrets,

that's a part of a bereavement process,

but all of this is just, is just a bit too late.

You know, Henry and I used to do something together.

I've not done it since he left us.

But you know what?

It's time.

Will you do it with me?

It's all about timing.

Swing and invite the ball to be kind.

Oh...

HE SIGHS

I invite the ball to be...

-Ooh!

-Have that, you bugger!

-SHE LAUGHS

-That was unconventional!

Um, I don't have to go and fetch it, do I?

No, no, not in our game.

Henry said that normal golf is impossible

and designed to break the spirit.

So we just do the fun part.

Oh, I like it. Just hit it as hard as you can.

It's very good for stress relief, you know.

I'm all furious, about ten minute consultations.

Away with you!

You know, I don't know what to say about that bench.

How about that?!

I've got three more speeding points.

Have them back, I've plenty, thank you!

THEY LAUGH

You know...

I think my time here would've been much more pleasant

if there were other kids to play with.

Do you have any, er, children?

No, no.

Um...

-Boyfriend, partner, husband?

-No.

Girlfriend, partner, wife?

No significant other.

No, I've been trying to address my work-life balance.

-You?

-Me? No.

Nobody loves me.

You seem very nice to me.

If there was any justice in this cruel world,

you would have all your heart's desires.

MESSAGE ALERT

-Is that you, or is that me?

-Erm, it's me.

I've, er, got to go to work. Sorry.

-Um, I'll see you at the service later though, yeah?

-Yeah.

Look, try not to get into any trouble. Mm?

-Thank you for the fun.

-Oh, thank you.

-I invite the ball to be kind.

-Invite the ball to be kind.

THUNDER RUMBLES

AL SIGHS

ORGAN MUSIC AND THUNDER

Oh! Oh... I'm late.

Today is for your father.

Surely he deserves to see you at your best.

I'm not a bad person, Mother.

Well, today's the day to show it.

Frances...

You said you'd have a word upstairs about this weather.

Yes, must have got stuck in the system.

Right, ladies and gentle...

Man. Yes, just the one.

Shall we gather?

What?

She's a vicar!

Of course she is.

And so we give thanks

for the shelter and the warmth of this church.

And now, we are going to hear from Alistair.

Thank you.

Um...

On behalf of my mother and I,

want to say thank you very much to the committee for the bench.

It's, um... It's very sturdy.

Clearly been well...

Carpented? Is that a word?

I'm presuming that it's got the right varnishes on it.

If not, then let's get that sorted.

PHONE BEEPS

Sorry. Phones off, everyone.

AL STRAINS

I don't have anything to say.

THUNDER RUMBLES

So instead of saying anything...

For one time only,

Young Chorister of the Year 1985-ish?

Is going to come out of retirement. OK?

Er...

# The Lord is my Shep... #

That's high. It's too high.

Puberty.

I'll try lower.

The, the...

# The Lord is my Shepherd

# I shall not want

# He maketh me to lie down

# In green pastures

# He le-e-eadeth me

# Beside the still waters

# Surely goodness and mercy

# Will follow you

# All the days of your life

# And you will dwell

# In the house of your Lo-o-ord

# Forever

# Forever. #

Your dad loved The Vicar of Dibley.

Do you think we could have been friends?

If we'd just met as strangers, would we have been able to share a pint?

That's never going to happen.

I hope you're going to thank the Reverend Harrison.

Al, there's a bungalow up there within my price range.

I could retire and make jam all day long.

The summer fete has a jam contest.

I'm the judge, and I'm very open to bribes.

Bribes of jam.

This place can get incredibly boring.

Those cakes aren't going to serve themselves.

I'll help. I'd like to sample my handiwork.

A vicar!

Look, your mum said if I told you then you'd be all awkward with me.

I like to decide for myself if I'm going to be all awkward, or not.

When all's said and done, it's really just a job.

Look, does being a doctor say everything about who you are?

Does it, Al?

I'm sorry. OK?

I'm sorry for your tapestry, I'm sorry for your tree,

and many, many other such apologies.

Well, Christians love to forgive so consider yourself forgiven.

It's been really nice to meet you.

You're a lot like your dad.

I don't think so.

You know, if ever you wanted to talk about things...

Was I just work for you today?

No!

No, I am trying to live a more 9-5 life.

It's just that work creeps sometimes when I'm not looking.

Doesn't that ever happen with you?

A 9-5 life would be amazing.

# Tumble outa bed and stumble to the kitchen

# Pour myself a cup of ambition! #

Would it be all right with you if I asked Mother for your phone number?

Are you asking me out?

-It might be useful...

-Dr Haskey!

..in case of emergencies, you know.

What? No, I don't know...

Can I ask Mother for your phone number?

Well, if you want my phone number

then you really should ask for it yourself.

-I'm trying to! Can I have your phone number please?

-No.

Then why make me ask?!

Because you have to earn it with good deeds.

I just did a good deed.

Mm. Yes. Yes, you did.

OK, so let's see...

The first digit of my phone number...

..is zero.

Every phone number begins with zero!

-I want nice things.

-Like what?

I don't know, say something nice!

All right, fine.

-You ready?

-Mm-hmm.

Your company makes you wear all black and that collar

so you can look all solemn and respectful.

But you're so pretty

you make it look like something from Paris Fashion Week.

And you're such a lovely person,

you made a difficult day like today feel like I've been on holiday.

Um... So the second digit of my number is seven.

I didn't say it to get your phone number...

7700... OK, let's get back to the beginning!

Listen. Thank you for today.

I don't know what I would have done without you?

Hey! Look what I've got.

Cool.

Dr Carmichael is expecting us back.

Dr Carmichael won't mind if we have a cup of tea and a chat

with your mum - she might even prescribe it!

Jam tart?

Er... No, thank you, Dolly.

Vicar.

Um... Ayesha? Shall...

The traffic can be busy on the bypass,

so perhaps you had better go.

You couldn't make it half a mile without lighting up.

Did you spend all day baking,

or did you manage to chat properly with Mother like you were meant to?

What's your diagnosis, Nurse Lee?

She's amazing. She looks after herself very well, I'd say.

And the people she's got around her are helping her come to terms

with losing someone she spent over half of her life with.

Good, that's good.

It wouldn't hurt you to come down here more.

You know this without me telling you.

Who knows, maybe losing your dad might bring you closer together.

Sure.

Do you think I need to make arrangements for her?

Al, you've met my family.

I'd kill to have what you've got here.

Please try harder.

Before it really is too late.

I cannot believe that you got so seduced by this place.

I invited you along because I thought you were tough.

I assure you, Ayesha, I would take your family,

your upbringing, over mine 11 times out of ten.

Oh, boo-hoo! Poor you, being spoilt.

Yes, I was spoilt and I was indulged,

but I'd much rather have been understood.

Your mum understands you just fine, you douche.

She sent Frances to babysit you all afternoon so you wouldn't kick off.

Incorrect. I bumped into Frances in the pub.

Actually, you're incorrect.

She texted her and told her where you were.

How could you not realise she's a vicar?

You accuse me of being seduced?!

They set me up!

That is so typical of this place.

They manipulate you to make sure you do good deeds!

Say nice things!

Well, I ain't ever coming back to this place.

Come on, let's go.

No! Do you know what?

You can sit in the back for the rest of the journey.

And mind my scales!

We agreed 300 quid, didn't we?

Why did you start working on the car today

when you knew you had to drive down there?

Al, if you needed someone to be with you today,

or you want someone to help you with your mum,

all you have to do is ask.

That's what friends do for each other.

And you'd be 300 quid better off.

300 quid and a song aren't going to make things all better, you know.

I know.

Text me your mum's number, I want to thank her for the scales.

If you wanted her number, you should have asked her for it yourself!

Dad.

Dear Dad...

Goodbye.

-The coppers have been here looking for you.

-Me?!

Don't act surprised. What have you been up to?

What would Mrs Tembe think if she knew what you was up to?

I'd never put you down as someone

who would engage or listen to tittle tattle.

You're not my son. He's dead!

Mrs Tembe!

Oh! Mrs Tembe!