I'll Cry if I Want To Doctors

Yes, your new room will be all ready as soon as you get back here.

I promise. Love you. Night-night. Love you. Love you.

Bye-bye.

Perfect.

-Again, thanks for helping out at such short notice, Julian.

-Ah!

Chef!

OK, Chef.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Come on, come on. Let's see how you're looking. Marvellous!

You are to be unobtrusive and yet vigilant,

always there and yet invisible.

I'm not asking for much. Only perfection.

Now let's get to work.

HE LAUGHS

HE CLAPS

Are you laughing at me?

No, no, just near you.

And is there anything you need?

As Oscar Wilde once said,

"I have everything I need. I am a genius."

Did he really say that?

-Look it up online.

-I will.

Thank you, Julian.

-Chef!

-Chef!

Well, look, if it all goes horribly wrong, we can order out for pizza.

Are you happy?

I will be once my friends explode with envy at my perfect life.

Come on, now.

As Oscar Wilde once said, "Be grateful for what you have."

I'm joking. Of course I'm grateful.

I have a perfect house, a perfect son...

..a perfect man - yes, I hadn't forgotten you -

a perfect, perfect party...

No, stop! Don't bring that in here!

Can you put it in the garage, please?

This floor has just been varnished!

Idiot!

If Al insists on drinking beer, he can do it outside.

I just don't want anything to go wrong.

Just lower your expectations a tiny bit, OK?

It's not life or death.

You're right. It's much more important than that.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Roz and Dean now.

How do you know that?

-Because they said they'd come early. It's a good sign.

-Is it?

Yes, they helped find us Julian, helped us move in here.

-They did.

-And they're leading lights at the Letherbridge Business Forum.

Darling?

Roz! Dean! How lovely to see you.

Well, we just had to welcome you properly to the neighbourhood,

darling.

Mwah! Mwah!

Absolutely. Welcome, welcome.

-Thank you.

-Oh, Roz, you look fabulous!

Oh, in this old thing?

Well, I've had it ages. I thought it could do with an airing.

We have a gift for you, don't we, Deano?

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh!

Well, that is just...

Brilliant. That's so nice of you. Thank you.

Do you get it? "Home is where the heart is."

And that's your home right there.

Thank you.

And thank you also for recommending Julian to do the catering.

-We can't wait to taste whatever it is he's been preparing.

-Yeah.

Well, you won't be disappointed. That man is an undiscovered genius.

Oh, it is just fantastic to have you both in the street because

the Robinsons who lived here before,

-they were insufferable old bores, weren't they, Deano?

-Mm.

Let me get you a drink. Bubbly?

-Mm.

-Yes.

I said to Daniel,

it is time we had a house that reflects how hard we work.

Mm-hm. And what you earn. Thank you.

There is absolutely no reason on this earth

to be ashamed of doing well.

And besides, I needed somewhere with extra space for all my shoes.

Dean had to build me an extension for mine!

My law firm - I've just made partner -

we help people to pay less tax and, honestly,

you would not believe the abuse we get.

My motto is - "you earn it, you keep it".

Well, Daniel and I are partners at The Mill,

but that's just the start, obviously.

We have a private clinic, too, and that's where the real money is.

You two should join the Business Forum.

Dean and I will second you both.

You would be raking it in!

I mean, holidays in Dubai every year...

It's just a matter of time.

The Granger Clinic is making money hand over fist.

-We're going to have to expand.

-The Granger Clinic?

Yes, cosmetic procedures, minor ones - enhancements, Botox, dermabrasion.

Darling, why didn't you tell me? I would kill to find someone good!

Oh, believe me. HE is good.

I can tell.

Top of the line.

I could hook you up with one, Dan. Reasonable terms.

I really don't need an SUV, Dean.

No-one actually needs one. That's not the point.

It's all about owning the road.

"Get out of my way, Granny!"

Sweetheart, what time are your friends arriving?

So, you ARE having other guests? I was beginning to wonder.

THEY LAUGH

They should be here any minute.

And I was just saying to Roz that...

well, really, the calibre of guests that are coming are just the sort of people we're talking about.

-Real high-fliers.

-I would expect nothing less from you, Zaza.

Er... Zara.

No, I'm calling her Zaza. It sounds better.

Anyway, you were saying?

Well, Josie is an IT company director,

Millie runs a chain of lingerie boutiques

and Daisy runs her own bespoke cake-baking business.

Oh, I wonder if you could get...

-ZARA GASPS

-Ooh!

-Oh, er...

-Oh!

I'm sorry about that.

That's wood floors for you. Scratches akimbo.

It's really not a problem. It's fine.

It'll buff out. Bit of wax.

Actually, would you mind awfully...

Could you please both remove your shoes?

-My shoes?

-They don't have to do that, sweetheart.

They do, otherwise the whole floor will have to be redone!

My shoes complete my outfit.

And they're very lovely but take them off.

They're straight from Milan.

And the floor is made of oak!

PHONE BEEPS

That sounds like a message.

It's probably Josie. She's always late.

Milan, my foot! Cheap knock-offs!

Oh, look. Video message from Millie.

'My name's Zara Carmichael and I'm a snob!

'Come and look at my posh new pile and let me

'rub your nose in how much better than you I am!'

-Turn it off!

-It's on autoplay.

'Look at my big house! Look at my posh frock!'

-One of your friends?

-'And look at my perfect kid!'

They're just playing a joke. Can you do something?

I'm trying. It's frozen.

She's... She's kidding. She's kidding.

So they're not coming, then?

If you could just excuse me for a minute?

Party's going really well, Dan... Not!

HE LAUGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, um...

Come through. Come through.

Nice place, Daniel.

Thanks. Roz and Dean, our new neighbours.

-Hello.

-Hello. Oh, lucky you, living round here!

Luck's got nothing to do with it, love.

It's all down to hard work.

Lovely. Anthony, Karen, Valerie, colleagues from The Mill. No Rob?

No, he's working late, but he might pop along later.

Aren't you forgetting something, Dan?

Their shoes?

Yes, of course. Sorry.

Would you mind taking your shoes off?

-Our shoes?

-Yeah, please.

Oh, it's no problem. I don't mind going barefoot.

It's like Sandie Shaw!

Thank you. Thank you. Please help yourself to drinks.

I'm just going to check on Zara.

OK?

I'm fine.

-Great, cos I thought you were...

-No, of course I'm not OK!

None of our friends are coming cos apparently they all hate me,

our neighbours think that we're losers

and I have a scratch on my new floor!

Had a bit to drink?

A bit, to calm my nerves.

-Yeah, but, red wine on top of champagne... Wow!

-Oh!

OK, right.

Look, what's happened is she's pressed "reply all" by mistake.

Please come back downstairs. It's your night.

You're right. It is. It's my night.

It's MY night!

Whoa! OK. Er...

Listen, drink lots of water, all right?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll look after the guests until you feel OK.

(I'll be there in a minute.)

I had to scrape my chin off the drive!

-This is a beautiful house.

-And big.

Big? I've lived in towns that were smaller than this!

Yeah, how much are they earning, eh?

Wouldn't you like to know?

We would like a bit of what they've got.

They've worked very hard to be here, so good for them.

I'm sure if you do the same,

then one day, you too might live somewhere like this.

Hello, I'm Emma. I'm a colleague of Daniel and Zara's.

Sorry, you are?

-Dean. This is Roz. Their new neighbours.

-Oh.

Well, where are they?

Oh, you didn't hear?

Well, Zaza's old friends, they turned on her in spectacular style,

so our hosts have retired to lick their wounds.

Sorry, "Zaza"?

Do you think they'll be coming back? Only, I would love a tour.

I could give you one.

Well, it's not your house, though.

-So?

-Presenting...

quail's eggs stuffed with ceps,

honey and truffle-infused buckwheat.

Jules! Hello, sweetie!

Roz! Darling!

Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!

Oh, so grateful to you for recommending me!

I'm doing some really special dishes tonight in your honour.

Please, enjoy.

-Oh, my!

-Right.

Can I just dive in and grab that? Thank you.

Amazing, yes?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Take another. There's loads.

Stunning food, Jules.

As always. Oh, you clever boy!

Just wait till later. Better get back.

Absolutely minging!

Ladies and gentlemen?

THEY GASP

Good evening, everyone.

-Winifred!

-Mrs Tembe, please.

How's it going, Mrs T?

-You look so well, Mrs Tembe.

-Thank you.

How are things at King's Green?

Everything is fine, thank you.

But where is our hostess? I have a small house-warming present.

Thank you.

She's gone AWOL after message-gate. Isn't that right, Dan?

What is message-gate? And who is Dan?

-He is.

-She'll be here any minute, I'm sure.

Hello! I'm here!

Oh, everybody, thank you for coming. Mrs Tembe!

How lovely of you to come!

Feeling OK?

I'm perfect! All of my friends are here and...

Why are you wearing shoes?

Pardon? Um, well...

because they go with my outfit.

Now, that is exactly what I said,

but apparently, shoes are prohibited this evening.

Isn't that right, Zaza?

-Zaza?

-She is, apparently.

Roz is right, so shoes off!

-Tell them, Dan!

-Yeah, well, the thing is, we've just had the floor laid...

And I made this teeny, tiny, exceedingly small scratch...

You're kidding! It was huge! But not to worry.

Shoes off, everybody! Come on! Chop, chop!

Now it's a party.

You're too right it's a party! Have you had a drink?

Have you had a canape?

-We have. They were absolutely...

-Delicious!

Eh, Zaza! How about a tour of the house?

A tour of the house! Come on, everyone!

I'm fine, thanks. I think I'll stay here.

Me too. I'll stick with the lads.

Fine, but, ladies, tour of the house!

Remember the rooms that haven't been unpacked.

Mrs Tembe, let me take that for you.

I'll get you a drink and we can have a proper catch-up.

This is the kitchen, obviously.

And this is... How's it all going, Julian?

Chef!

Chef! Any food about? I, for one, am starving!

Roquefort crackers with soused herring pate.

Amazing, yes?

Exquisite, darling!

Isn't he extraordinary?

You can say that again. You all right, Zaza?

SHE COUGHS Yes, just went down the wrong way.

It's cos she put it in her mouth.

Are you short of any appliances, Zara? Mixer? Blender?

Because I've still got some Cook's Heaven stuff in the garage.

This kitchen is state-of-the-art, Valerie.

It doesn't need any bargain basement tat cluttering the place up.

-None taken!

-I'm sorry.

That didn't come out the way I wanted it to sound.

I'm just...

It's all right, Zaza.

We all understand how terribly upset you must be after

what your friends said.

That was just a joke and I was in on it!

Were you?

Of course.

What kind of friends would leave a message,

deliberately telling you how awful you are?

-Not very nice ones?

-Exactly, Karen. Not very...

..nice ones.

Shall we continue with the tour?

Through this corridor, down around to the right, up the stairs

and past the stained-glass window.

Are you all right? It's just that you don't seem your usual...

I am my usual, happy-go-lucky,

fun-loving, easy-going self.

OK?

Fasten your seatbelts.

SHE GASPS

Do I look green? This is huge!

There is such a thing as too big, you know!

Oh, I think I might cry!

Good, isn't it?

It's a bit small.

I'm sorry?

Well, mine has a wet room and a sauna.

Do you remember? I told you, Dean built me an extension especially.

He could give you the name of the builder but he's very expensive.

Easy-going, happy-go-lucky, remember?

Wonderful. That would be great.

How are things at King's Green?

Mr Harker, I cannot discuss that with you.

Of course. Totally respect that.

-My apologies.

-Thank you.

A lot of practices are really struggling right now.

So I believe.

Mind you, it's everywhere in the NHS.

People working too hard, burning out, bad morale,

GPs dropping like flies.

-Yes.

-From a management point of view,

it's hard to know what to do about it, isn't it?

We can't print more money or create more time,

much as we'd like to.

Well, it is difficult for everyone.

At King's Green, we have lost several of our GPs recently.

Is that right?

Yes.

I would rather not discuss my employer with you.

-We're just talking.

-No, we are not!

You are trying to lure me into being indiscreet.

-Mrs Tembe, really...

-Excuse me.

You leaving already, Mrs Tembe?

I have a very early start.

I was disappointed not to see Dr Clay.

To be honest, I think it was any excuse not to come.

Yes, well, he did voice his concerns last time I spoke to him.

I know. He's certainly not happy.

He has good reason.

-Looking for the loo?

-Yeah, house is too big.

They pay me too much! It's just down there on the right.

Are you leaving?

Er... Yes. Thank you, Dr Granger.

And please give my apologies to Dr Carmichael.

Of course. Lovely to see you.

-For you.

-Oh, thank you.

-OK.

-Mm! Lovely wine, Daniel.

-It is, isn't it?

-Are the toilets in here?

-Yeah, yeah. Keep going.

The party can start now we're here! Who can I hear?

There he is! Welcome.

Amazing house, Daniel.

Well, it's the bank's, really, but thank you.

-Where's this barrel?

-In the garage.

You've been banished there.

-I hope it's had time to settle.

-Of course!

Oh, finally, they've arrived!

Fashionably late, Dr Carmichael.

So let me get this straight, Zaza.

The invitation was for smart dress and you've had all of us

remove our shoes.

What is so special about these two?

Daniel! Shoes!

Yes, but look at what they're wearing.

Could you remove your shoes?

Why would I want to do that?

Wood floor? Heels?

I'm not wearing heels.

Everybody else has taken their shoes off.

And they look really silly

so I'm going to keep mine on, if that's all right with you.

No, it's not!

And, by the way, did you not get the message about smart attire?

-Yeah, yeah, I did.

-It's all right, darling, it doesn't matter.

No, no! This is important!

It's fine, no problem, shoes off.

No, I'm not going to take my shoes off.

Al! This is my party, I am your hostess and...

Yeah, and I am your guest! Now, I was offered a drink,

and seeing as that is the only reason I came, I'm going

to go and get myself one.

I don't want to spoil the ambience of your lovely party

with my untidiness.

And, by the way, you're wearing heels!

Lovely class of people you work with, Zaza.

It's your fault we're in this mess with the shoes in the first place, so why don't you just shut up?

Oi, oi, easy!

Let's all just calm down, have a drink.

What have I done?

-Help yourself to whatever you want, OK?

-Thanks, Daniel.

Typical! Not even put the bloomin' tap in!

Look, Haskey, I can only apologise...

SHE SCREAMS

What was that?

-Is everything OK?

-That sounded like Zara.

Zaza!

Whatever!

We've had a keystone malfunction. Might need a mop.

And a new dress! Oh, Zaza!

You OK?

I'm perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Beer-battered trout?

THEY LAUGH

SHE SOBS

Thank you.

When I have a house like this, I'll never stop cleaning.

Mind you, I'll have a cleaner, so I won't need to.

Actually, who am I kidding? I'll never be able to afford it.

I don't know. One day, you never know.

You, maybe, but me? Forget about it!

I have actually been thinking about getting on the property ladder lately.

And, as you know, I live with a bunch of people I can't even stand the sight of any more, so...

I could help you house hunt, if you like.

Thanks, but I'm not sure that I could stretch to a mortgage

for the kind of place that I'd want.

Well, what if I was your lodger? Make it more affordable for you.

-That's a really nice offer of you.

-Seriously, it'd be great.

Get you out of that house share, give Emma back her own space.

Why don't I make some appointments with estate agents next week?

I'm not sure that...

That what?

Nothing. Yeah, sounds great.

Yay!

-Mrs Tembe seems well.

-Yeah.

Although she tells me King's Green are going under.

-Really?

-Mm.

All the more reason to celebrate how well we're doing, right?

Wow! I feel sorry for them and everything, but we do seem

to be pulling together as a team pretty well, don't we?

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Yeah, we've cleared the dead wood

and we're all communicating brilliantly.

Things are going great.

Well, I can't judge anyone, can I? Not after what I did to Barry.

-We all make mistakes.

-He's due back from our honeymoon tomorrow.

You're not having second thoughts?

Oh, no, no. It's just that I'm concerned for him, you know,

-seeing me again.

-I'm sure he'll cope.

I was the love of his life, Karen.

Now he's got to live without me. Ooh, look! Designer smellies!

Yay!

ROZ CLEARS THROAT

What exactly is going on?

Dan? Dan!

I found these two helping themselves to whatever they could find!

We were just looking, honestly.

Oh, a likely story! I think you should call the police.

Get your hands off me, you uptight cow!

-Calm down...

-Who are you calling a cow?

-You!

Dean, are you going to stand for this?

You can't speak to her like that!

Oh, but it's all right for her to accuse them of nicking?

It's not even your house!

Oh, well, someone has to maintain some standards,

seeing as though the hostess is a drunk!

-I beg your pardon?

-THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Maybe we should all just take a step back and just calm down.

Shut it, weedy boy!

What does that even mean?

What would I want to take from this house, anyway?

Oh, so now you're a liar and a thief?

Oh...

We've got a lot of raised voices this evening.

How about we just try and calm down?

I'm sick of being told to calm down!

First I've been forced to remove my shoes

and then I have had to hang out with this bunch of ingrates all evening!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Shut up!

Shut up, all of you!

This was supposed to be my night.

My special night!

And all of you...

..each and every one of you has ruined it

with your beer and your shoes and your video messaging

and your voices and your hair and your...

Rum-soaked melon balls?

You! Your food - over-complex,

pretentious nonsense!

If you think that this moron is a great chef...

Oh, go back to bed, Zaza!

My name is Zara!

Zara Rosalind!

And his name is Daniel, Deano!

And you two are the most hateful pair of snobs

I have ever had the misfortune of meeting!

If I ever turn out like these two,

I give you all permission to punch me in the face,

just punch me right in the face because I'll deserve it!

-You can't speak to us like that!

-Yes, she can. It's her house.

So why don't you take your fake smiles and your fake shoes

and your fake food and get out?

I don't think you're going to be

part of the Letherbridge Business Forum.

We will live.

You can whistle for a 4x4 deal, mate.

4x4s are for morons.

THEY LAUGH

I should have given you chip butties.

And you'd still have overcomplicated it.

THEY LAUGH

-That was one hell of a night.

-And it's not over yet!

Chin, chin!

Yes, it is. Thank you all so much for coming.

If you could please just go home.

The party is over.

Tea.

Go on, say it. "I told you so."

No. No, I've quite enjoyed it.

Isn't funny!

I've been an absolute monster over this, haven't I?

No.

Little bit. Come on. Come back downstairs.

All your friends are still here

and they know you well enough to believe that you didn't mean it.

I don't have any friends.

Zara!

Name one who isn't someone that I work with.

Go on! You can't do it, can you?

Look, you've got me and you've got Izzy and you've got Joe

and you've got this beautiful house.

Isn't that enough for a perfect life?

Cor!

Nobody likes me.

You've got lots of friends.

I'm completely unlovable.

Poor, poor Barry, pining for my love

and drowning in the depths of his sorrow!

-Are you single?

-Pardon?

-It's not a difficult question.

-Maybe we shouldn't be so physical.

-What?

I'm not saying abstain completely.

I'm just saying, be a bit more careful.