Shut Up Doctors

MUSIC: Hush, Hush, Hush, Here Comes The Bogey Man by Henry Hall

# Children, have you ever met the bogey man before?

# No, of course you haven't, for you're much too good, I'm sure

# Don't you be afraid of him if he should visit you

# He's a great big coward so I'll tell you what to do

# Hush, hush, hush Here comes the bogey man

# Don't let him come too close to you, he'll catch you if he can... #

I don't understand why this has to be done on a Saturday.

Are you sure we'll be done by lunchtime?

Well, if we're not done by lunchtime, I'm going home anyway.

Cos I want to catch up with Al's vlog before Monday.

I would have kept up with it while I was away,

but there was no Wi-Fi where I was staying.

I did look for it online.

I'll send you the link later. Then we'll just crack on.

That's great.

I couldn't bear for Al to ask me what I thought of it next week

-and for me to be lost for words.

-Imagine.

Has Mrs Tembe left a specific list?

Yeah. It's all in the staffroom.

Waiting for us.

HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

HE GRUNTS

Oh!

I think we're going to work our way through all this in a morning.

She was just banging on about getting the first phase done.

First phase? Remind me.

You...

It's going through each of the patient files,

identifying the paperwork that's non-clinical and shredding it.

You...

We'll get that done in no time.

No, that's the first part of the first phase.

Then we've got to summarise all the patient notes.

-OK.

-Oh, yes. Identify the main diagnoses for each file.

Short handing, right.

And then get it ready for data input,

by assigning each diagnosis a correct code.

So what's the code for RSI and blindness?

Cos we're going to need that after we've done all this lot.

She did say she was going to come down and help us

but she's got to upgrade the software at the Campus first.

-If she can.

-Shame we can't put them all in bin bags

and just haul it off to the dump.

Right, better get started.

Do you think she'd stump up for a couple of temps - you know,

to do the actual data entry bit?

What about patient confidentiality?

There'll be a specialist agency for that.

We'd have to do the coding, but...

-It can't hurt to ask.

-Mmm.

I bet you anything Mrs Tembe will say she's got to ask

the partners for the extra cash.

Hiya - how's it going?

Oh!

Have you tried turning it off and switching it back on again?

No, I'm not. No, because sometimes, if you switch it off

and then leave it for about five minutes, you can force a reboot.

It's just a suggestion - listen, you know this coding and data entry?

Yeah. Part two of phase one. Yeah.

Anyway, listen, we were thinking,

why don't you get some data entry temps in?

Cos you're paying us double time.

OK, time and a half - but it should be double time,

especially if we go into Sunday.

-Sunday?

-It's...um...

OK.

Right. OK. Yeah, yeah.

We'll give it a try.

I'm not switched on here.

Valerie!

I definitely can't do tomorrow,

I've got a mountain of holiday laundry.

What did she say?

Um, that temps don't grow on trees.

She wants us to test-drive the new software that she's installed,

-so that we can talk via the computer.

-Like FaceTime?

No. A bit.

It's...it's a videophone from the Campus to here.

So it's supposed to improve efficiency.

Here we go.

Ooh! That icon there?

Is that a telescope he's supposed to be holding, cos...? KNOCK ON DOOR

Ooh, Karen. What's he doing here?

That's a turn-up.

-Morning.

-'Hello.'

-Quick, it's going.

-What's the panic?

-It's Mrs Tembe's new spy software.

Where's that coming from?

Campus. This is the future we're making, it seems.

'Hello? Hello?

'Are you receiving me at the Mill? Eh?

'Hello, testing, are you receiving me?'

We can HEAR you fine.

-'Hello.'

-Hello.

'Are you receiving me?'

It's definitely frozen.

Mrs Tembe, if you can hear us, tap the microphone.

Once for yes, twice for no.

It could be the camera. Try control-alt-delete.

There you go. "Software running." It's not us.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

No, no, no. We tried that. I think the problem's your end.

Could you hear us?

Ah, no. She's saying... Yeah, you were frozen as well.

Right. OK. Bye.

Today just got even better.

Why, what's going on?

She wants me to go over there and sort the reinstallation with her.

What you doing here, anyway?

-I thought I'd pop in, see how the troops are getting on.

-Ooh! Nice.

Right. Well, sooner I go, sooner I'm back.

You, um, you know what you're doing here?

Yeah, yeah. Relevant paperwork. I'll get started.

How are your staple-removing skills?

Oh, er, not really as good as my coffee-making ones.

-Follow me.

-"Big Brother's watching you."

Very funny!

Flipping heck!

So, taking one patient file at random,

see how much irrelevant paperwork you think there is -

and how much borderline relevant paperwork there is.

Who decides?

Mm-hm.

Valerie, have you seen my keys?

You didn't bring them in here.

Didn't you use them to... lock the front door?

Oh, look, I've walked past them twice. One of those days.

Tell you what - why don't you pick up some cakes on your way back?

My treat. Might as well have a little luxury while we're at it.

Ooh, very good idea. See you later.

I forgot to ask you how your trip was to the Lake District.

It was quiet.

-In a good way?

-Very.

Only I just went to get Geoffrey - he's my cat -

back from the Pussywillow Boutique Cat Hotel,

only to discover he hadn't eaten the whole time I'd been away.

That's a hunger strike.

I did try to tempt him with a tin of salmon when we got home,

but he just sat and glared at me from inside the tumble dryer.

-Misplaced hostility.

-Yeah.

He'll turn around soon. Don't worry about it.

Mmm. You wouldn't say that,

if he'd done in your shoes what he did in one of mine.

Dirty protest.

RATTLING

Was that a door?

Maybe someone left a window open.

I'll take my room, the treatment room and four.

I'll take this end.

-Ooh! Did you just hear a noise, like rustling?

-Er, no.

RUSTLING

-HE GASPS

-Mrs Tembe! I...

-Anything?

-Well, one of the treatment room doors was open.

So I suppose it could have been that.

RUSTLING There's that noise again - rustling.

Like someone opening a packet of crisps.

No, it's gone again.

That's a funny thing about empty buildings -

that special kind of silence

when you know you're the only one there.

Mmm, and every sound is magnified.

-Yeah, and you can't pinpoint it.

-Yeah.

You know, either I've got a hearing problem,

or it's so good I can hear things outside.

I'm like a bat.

What the hell did you do that for?

How could you do it?

You're not stupid. You must've known the risks.

To me, not you.

Taping up my mouth and gluing a mask to my face

while I was out of it - what if I'd thrown up?

I could've choked on my own vomit.

MUFFLED VOICES

Yeah. And where are my clothes? My phone?

My keys, my wallet?

You think it's funny to just dump me like that?

There. Data input specialists, central Birmingham.

Oh, we'd have to send them the data.

Right.

Ah. Short term, on site.

What about handling confidential documents?

Well, I'd have thought discretion is a given when it comes to data,

-but I could phone and find out.

-Hmm.

Look, if it's budget you're thinking about, it's an either/or situation.

Either Karen and I do it,

and we hire somebody to man the reception desk, or...?

Let me speak to Mrs Tembe, see what kind of provision we can make.

What?

Someone's using the telephone.

And if you're here, and I'm here...

It's a glitch, probably.

We should be talking about upgrading our phone system

rather than spending money elsewhere, shouldn't we?

Ooh! I went all cold just then.

Oh, it's like that film, Don't Rock The Baby,

when all the baby-sitters keep dying, and when the policeman traces

the menacing phone call, he says, "It's coming from inside the house."

From the telephone in the nursery.

Really? I haven't seen it. Who'd put a phone in a baby's room?

You think it's a serial killer

but it turns out it's all the different babies doing

the killing, because they've been possessed by something demonic.

There's a really horrible scene with a used nappy.

Well, I won't be watching that. I'm off to play golf.

I'll see you. Remind me Monday about the temps and I'll speak to the Tembe.

-Have fun.

-OK.

Right, Al's vlog - where are you?

Oh, no. No, don't crash.

Stay there.

Oh, what!

HE SIGHS

Al, gotcha!

-AL:

-'Good evening, friends!'

RUSTLING

SHE SCREAMS, HE GASPS

Valerie?

Ah, there you are. What's the screaming about?

I thought you'd gone.

I thought I was all alone, then I heard you shout my name,

-and got startled.

-Ah, OK.

-Have you forgotten something?

-Er...no, no, no. I've got a flat.

You know what's strange was that the second time you screamed,

it didn't sound like a woman at all.

Probably the acoustics, I expect.

What have you done?

Oh, managed to cut myself loosening a wheel nut.

What are you doing?

I heard another noise. You know how it is.

I was all alone, couldn't stop thinking about the phone light.

Then got demonic babies on the brain, just scaring myself.

-OK.

-You need a plaster on that.

Is he...?

Sorry I scared you like that. I was trying to find some clothes and sneak out the back door,

-and I went looking for a key in reception.

-Have you been here all night?

Why haven't you got any clothes? Is this a joke?

What, did you think I'm some sort of demonic baby, or something?

No, it's a film. No, it's nothing - so what's going on?

I went on a stag night do, with a bunch of my old medical student mates, and...

well, I woke up here with no clothes and a mask stuck to my face.

I thought they only did that sort of thing to the bridegroom.

-Sid? Are you getting married and you haven't told anyone?

-No.

Or is it just me who doesn't know? Unless it's an arranged marriage?

-Valerie!

-Is it against your will? Because I could help you.

-I could get you to a safe house or something.

-It's not me!

So why haven't you got any clothes?

You don't...

Don't what?

I know student debts can be overwhelming, but...

..you don't strip on the side? It wasn't really a hen do, was it?

I know you can make a lot of money, but those women -

pack mentality.

I mean, the fairy wings go on, the tequila comes out,

and then it's goodbye to any inhibitions and common sense.

Definitely stag.

But there was a lot of drinking.

I do remember getting into an argument.

Then one of my so-called friends said I never shut up,

and I know I talk a lot, but...

..they taped my mouth shut.

Then...stuck a clown mask to my face.

A clown?

I'm glad I didn't see that. I would have had heart failure.

It must have turned into like a feeding frenzy,

all of them piling on top of me like that, humiliating me.

Naked.

Next thing I know, I wake up outside here and no clothes, money, phone.

They just dumped you?

-I found my way here somehow.

-Oh!

Like a little plucked homing pigeon.

Isn't amazing what the mind can do sometimes?

They even taped boxing gloves to my hands.

Sorry. Did you say tape and a mask?

Because that's really stupid. You could have died.

Someone must've planned all that for Bigsy - the groom.

But that wasn't a stag night prank. That was just an attack on me.

I thought we were friends - but they all just went for me.

Just for being me.

Like they'd never liked me, you know, for always talking too much.

But I mean, you can just tell someone to shut up, can't you?

Come on!

HE GROANS

For crying out loud!

HE GASPS

I'm an outsider now.

I'm not one of the gang.

Maybe I never was, if it was so easy for them to abuse me like that.

Sid...

Look, I want you to be honest with me, cos you know you can trust me.

-But...

-What?

When you say abused, they didn't...?

Didn't what?

-No - no way!

-Only you're not totally sure what happened,

and that's what people who've been drugged say.

And you were...access all areas.

No, I'd know. You could tell, couldn't you?

Don't you think the thing about sexual assault is...

They wouldn't, I know it.

Have you ever had that moment where you've kind of...

ignored the way someone behaved, just cos you wanted to fit in?

Do you think there was anyone there last night who could be

capable of doing something like that?

-You said yourself - mob mentality.

-No.

No, I expect you're right.

Just stupid, drunk people playing a very bad joke.

I'm sure they'll apologise.

Wouldn't bet on it.

It's one of those things in life that makes you feel...exposed.

Sorry. SHE LAUGHS

At least there was someone here today to help.

Today of all days.

I know.

Thanks.

I don't feel like I've done anything much,

apart from think I'd got a stalker, or this place was haunted.

SHE LAUGHS

You know, when you're ready, it might be a good idea to talk to someone.

-Another man, perhaps. That might be easier.

-I doubt it.

Look, if I had to choose somebody to confide in,

I think I could do a lot worse than Daniel.

Definitely not. When I saw him here, it just got worse.

He's not that bad. I mean, he might joke about it at first, but...

It's not that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

And to top it all - I flashed Mrs Tembe, as well.

What? You didn't! When did you manage that?

Well, just turned round and she was glaring at me from the computer.

I bet she'll be in first thing Monday, saying,

"Dr Vere exposed his buttocks to me in a most unchristian manner at the weekend."

Is there a Christian manner to do it in? No, look.

She's been like that for the last hour.

Karen's gone over to the Campus, to try and help her

sort out the software, but obviously no joy so far.

-Phew!

-So, that's one problem solved.

Right, now we need to get you something to wear - and then

I am going to distract Daniel with my feminine wiles,

and you can make a break for it.

Yes, I know, it's not ideal.

I have to be very careful with my feminine wiles.

All got VERY complicated when Heston fell for me.

-Heston?

-Yeah, yeah. He's a man of hidden fires.

-Do you know he fought a duel for me?

-Heston?

Yeah. It's a long story, but we are grown-ups

and we don't let it affect our working relationship.

As for your friends...

What friends?

D'you know, I tend to side with the Mama Cass school of thinking these days -

"Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song."

Mama Cass? Mamas and the Papas?

She choked on a sandwich. Tragic.

Anyway, what I'm saying is,

being yourself doesn't necessarily mean you're not going to get hurt,

but why should you change yourself just to fit in?

Cos it's not a great way to live.

No, honestly, I've tried it in the past,

just cos I was desperate to feel like I belonged,

to be one of the cool kids, and then I realised -

why follow in someone else's footsteps your whole life?

Isn't it better to make your own way,

find a path that no-one else has taken?

I just can't get my head round why they did it.

Yeah, well, they are idiots...

but that shouldn't change you.

You are perfectly fine the way you are.

The patients all love you.

I like you, your colleagues like you.

That should count for something, shouldn't it?

Yeah. It counts for a lot. Thanks.

Terrible dress sense, though.

Come on, we need to get you out of those aprons.

Not cos I want to see you naked.

Not that I wouldn't, you know...

Valerie!

Oh, no! Nakedness is nothing to be ashamed of.

It's just that you look like you're wearing a kinky pinafore.

I couldn't wear it - not because of the kinky bit,

but because polythene brings me out in a rash.

-Really?

-Yeah, oh, yeah.

Could be worse - I've got a cousin in Aberystwyth

who can't sit on anything leather.

Right, we need to find you something to wear.

Ooh, I know, Jimmi always keeps a spare set of running clothes here.

Sid.

When did you get here?

Morning. I was out for a run and I, erm, I got caught short.

And I remembered that Karen said she was in this morning, so...

You must have run right by me.

Yeah, well, I was really desperate - too much coffee this morning.

Diuretics before a run? You should know better than that.

-Coffee doesn't hydrate.

-No.

Yeah, I saw you by your car - is everything OK?

Oh, just changing a tyre and keep getting dirt in this damn cut.

I can sort it for you if you like. The tyre, I mean.

-Save you making your hand worse.

-Oh...

Let's have a look.

Hm... You're not going to need any stitches.

No, it's just not getting a chance to dry, that's all.

So, let me finish it, then.

Really? Thanks.

-There was something I wanted to talk to you about as well.

-Yeah?

Yeah, now that we're not distracted by work, we can have a good chat.

-Come on.

-Right.

Thanks for this.

It's no problem.

So, you wanted to say something?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, look, it's nothing major,

it's just that now you're settled back with us,

I thought maybe you should think about choosing a special interest.

-Oh, right.

-I..I have a suggestion.

OK, then - what do you reckon?

Well, watching how you interact with everyone,

I thought maybe you should think about going into mental health.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I mean, you talk a lot.

-You mean I never shut up.

-No,

I mean I think it's part and parcel of your ability to listen,

you know, which is a really important part of being a doctor.

Communication is not easily learned, in my opinion.

Have I said something wrong?

No, sorry, it's just something someone said to me recently,

-that's all.

-Look, Sid, you listen to your patients and you understand,

and you relate their problems to your personal experiences.

That's empathy.

You take on board what people say to you - that's a major plus.

You don't dismiss problems lightly.

Right, well, erm, thanks.

Listen, have a think about it, OK,

and we'll talk more over lunch next week.

OK, yeah. Great.

You've got a bright future. Glad you came back to us.

-Would you mind?

-Yeah. Thanks.

And, hey look, I'd offer you a lift, but I'm so late.

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine. Thought I'd find a new path,

you know, not follow all the other runners.

-Yeah, good idea. Listen, thanks again.

-You too, Daniel.

-All right.

No, I just don't need a taxi any more, thank you.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Yeah, thanks, bye.

-So, that was a big fat waste of time.

-No joy?

-No, as soon as I got there, she was ready to go.

-Why?

She wouldn't say.

She just said, "I've got to go, we'll sort it out on Monday."

It's weird, but it looked like she'd had a real shock.

-So she's not coming to help us, then?

-No.

I knew there was something wrong as soon as I got there,

cos her wig was all skewwhiff.

Anyway,

-apricot Danish?

-Perfect.

And one of our five a day into the bargain.

Let's break out the good coffee.

Hey, you'll never guess who I saw out for a run on my way back?

-Sid?

-How did you guess?

Well, he popped in to use the facilities.

-Did you see him in his running gear?

-Yeah.

-Looked pretty fit, didn't he?

-Definitely.

ECHOING EVIL LAUGHTER

I think he's seeing someone else.

I saw him with her this morning.

What are we going to do?

-Sabotage it.

-How?

Sledgehammer.

Hello! Hello! Welcome to your new home.

Erm, I've just put the kettle on.

Why don't we have a nice cup of tea before we start unloading?

-How's school?

-Fine.