Art for Art's Sake Doctors

I can't believe that I actually won.

They had loads of entries, but my slogan was the best.

Go on.

"Art is a big p-art of my he-art".

Do I look arty enough?

There's going to be a reporter there from the Letherbridge News.

You look fine, Valerie.

We might even make the front page.

I suppose it depends if there's been a murder or something.

That just came to me in a dream.

Total explosion of colour.

I love this one.

Very tricky to pull off.

Welcome, welcome. You must be Valerie.

Melanie Haslam, arts officer.

I'm Sid. Lovely to meet you, Sid.

This is Freddie, our artist -

he'll be guiding your endeavours for today.

Hi. And this is Clark.

Can I just say how excited I am to be the winner of the community arts scheme.

As a cancer survivor, I feel I can be a great

inspiration to other people dealing with life-threatening illness.

I'm not... If you want to take any notes...

Have you got one of those recordy things?

Sorry, erm...

You're not from the newspaper?

Clark's our publicity officer,

he's here to take some photos for the website.

Oh. I thought we were going to be in the Letherbridge News.

They'll be send someone over later, after you've finished,

so you can tell them what a good time you've had.

And you will have a good time, I promise.

Freddie's worked on several arts projects for us, with great success.

Shall we take some photos?

How about...

Big smiles, everyone.

And again.

Thank you, Clark. Let's have a look.

Yeah, e-mail those to me when you get back to the office. Sure thing.

Well, I'll leave you in Freddie's capable hands. Enjoy your day.

Questionnaire time.

It's not a test local government loves its forms.

Oh, and if the fire alarm goes off, get the heck out.

Be right back.

"What are your expectations for the day?"

I'm not really expecting anything.

What are you putting?

I expect to be part of making an amazing piece of art.

A muse, like Rossetti's girlfriends.

I think the pre-Raphaelites are marvellous.

If you're going to be posing, what am I doing?

Cleaning paintbrushes?

Wouldn't be surprised if it's conceptual actually,

maybe even performance-based.

I've never really understood conceptual art.

MUSIC BLARES

What's that?

I think he wants us to put them on.

OK. I'm not too sure about this, Valerie.

Don't worry about it, Sid, it's art!

Hello?

Freddie?

MUSIC STOPS

Mel!

What's going on?

Someone locked me in there.

You should have said in your text.

I didn't text you.

But...

You're hurt?

I fell over when they shoved me in there.

My poor love. Why would anyone do such a thing?

Where are the civilians?

What is happening?

It's a car.

Do you want us to get in?

We're going on a road trip.

Why are they moving us?

I expect he wants it to be a surprise.

Valerie...

Carpe diem.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Welcome, honoured guests.

You are about to embark on a life-changing artistic journey.

Please fasten your seatbelts.

They can't have gone far.

That wasn't here before.

VALERIE: Cooee. Anybody there?

SID: Can we take these off now?

There must be a light switch around here somewhere.

Try by the door. What door?

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Turn it off.

We can't see anything.

Turn it off. I will reward you.

?100.

Turn it off.

Go on, let's see what happens.

It's all right. It's just a model.

You may take your ?100 reward.

It looks real.

It is real, and there's plenty more where that came from.

How much more?

?5,000.

Would you like to play for ?5,000 to share between you?

Yes! I haven't finished.

You can win the ?5,000 by following my instructions,

or you can donate the money to charity,

right now and return to your starting point.

Play or donate.

You have ten seconds to give me your answer.

Play.

I don't believe this.

Calm down. Calm down! They've hijacked my participants.

Well, shouting at me isn't going to bring them back.

I'm not shouting at you.

This is a direct challenge, a provocation.

We need to find them.

Of course we do. Come on, let's get security involved.

Freddie - I'd rather not get anyone else involved, not in an official capacity.

Do you have any idea how difficult it was to get this project approved?

There are people on the arts committee

just waiting to stab me in the back.

So what do you suggest?

They can't have gone far.

We keep a low profile, track them down ourselves.

Valerie, what have you done with the QOF paperwork?

Hello. Sorry, I can't take your call today.

I'm otherwise engaged creating a work of art -

it's my prize for winning a prestigious competition.

Further details can be found at letherbridge.gov.uk/...

Great.

Hello, yes, may I speak to Melanie Haslam, please. It's urgent.

Well, can I leave a message?

VALERIE: I love a rococo frame.

Valerie. Sid.

Are you ready to begin?

Yes. We're ready, ready for anything.

Suppose so.

You must create a thing of beauty from the objects in this room.

If you are successful then you will proceed on your journey

towards the prize.

It's a load of old tat.

A true artist can work with any materials.

How long have we got?

As long as you need.

But there are conditions -

only one of you can make the art,

and once that person starts,

you cannot change your mind or help each other.

Choose carefully.

I'll do it.

Shouldn't we discuss this?

Why?

There's a lot of money at stake. Surely the best person

for the job should do the task?

Well, that's me, obviously.

I have already won an art competition with my slogan.

Yes, but that was more theory, this is practice.

And what exactly do you bring to the party?

I did an evening class once.

The tutor said I had a good eye.

Excuse me.

Who gets to decide whether the artwork is a thing of beauty?

I do.

Not your tutor.

Do you even recognise the room?

Tell Dr Carmichael whatever you like!

One of Valerie's colleagues is having some sort of crisis.

She wants her to ring the Campus Surgery, urgently.

So you really don't know what my leaving present is?

No.

You just don't want to spoil the surprise.

Thanks Karen, I've got it now.

At least someone knows what they're doing. Bye.

And we're done here.

You have completed your thing of beauty. Is that correct?

Correct.

Valerie, please explain your concept.

Explain my concept? Yes.

Please. What makes your creation a thing of beauty?

What aspect of beauty does it represent?

Well, it...

it's a waterfall.

It's a beautiful waterfall gushing over a precipice

into a beautiful rock pool.

A waterfall?

A beautiful, gushing waterfall.

Congratulations, Valerie, you have created a thing of beauty.

Valerie and Sid, you may now pass through the door,

where your next task awaits you.

This is just like Big Brother.

Valerie and Sid, to proceed to the ?5,000,

you must sort the buttons by colour into the jars.

You can do this one.

That's very generous of you.

No, not really. It's a bit dull, like filing.

He didn't say that we couldn't both do this one.

Um, excuse me, can we both do this task?

I bet this is a wind-up.

The sooner you get started, the sooner you'll finish.

Do you really think the council's going to give us ?5,000 for sorting a few buttons?

Well, they gave us ?100 for switching the light out.

Of course there's no ?5,000, of course it's a wind-up.

?5,000. That's the same as your grant.

That's not a coincidence.

And your point is?

I've funded several of your projects.

So what? People talk.

Perhaps I should have gone for someone else on this one.

I'm the best, and you know it.

Whoever's done this is sending us a message.

Why didn't they just e-mail us?

It really reminds me of something.

I haven't got time to ponder imponderables.

We have to find them or seek replacements.

It's too late for that - the publicity's all about Valerie.

PHONE RINGS

Sue. You have?

OK.

She's checked the CCTV.

They've left the building.

Valerie, is turquoise green or blue?

Valerie, green or blue?

VALERIE SNORES

He's probably dismembering their bodies with a chainsaw as we speak.

It's Valerie, snoring.

That woman is bone idle.

Not to mention full of herself.

She actually believed that pile of junk was art.

It's pride, and sloth. The first room with the banker and the cash,

that was greed.

It's the seven deadly sins.

How original. The seven deadly sins.

I knew the concept seemed familiar -

we had a funding application, it was really creative.

If it was so great why didn't you give the money to them?

Because the artist wasn't you.

Thanks for the endorsement(!)

If the artist applied for a grant you'll still have the details.

Congratulations.

You have successfully completed the task.

I'm starving.

Step away from the buffet.

No-one eats until I have outlined the conditions.

Conditions?

Only one of you may partake in the refreshments.

What?

If you wish to play for the ?5,000, only one of you can eat.

Who?

It is up to you to decide.

The chosen person can indulge in as much as they want,

but if a morsel touches the other's lips, your quest ends here.

Look, I think I should eat.

I am recovering from cancer.

It's quite important my nutritional needs are met.

Also, you're always skipping lunch at work.

Only when I'm busy.

I didn't have any breakfast.

You should always have breakfast.

That's the most important meal of the day.

So you did eat this morning?

Like I say, it's quite important that I eat regularly.

It doesn't matter what I say does it?

Thanks for understanding.

You do know that you've made every single decision so far.

I don't see what the problem is.

This is my prize - you are my plus one.

Why did you even ask me?

The rules said I had to bring someone of the opposite sex,

which disqualified my closest friends.

You were my top man.

Look, cheesy twists.

Tell you what - you can make the next decision.

Thanks.

Don't tell me it's not there!

Half the day's gone and I haven't even started.

Maybe the application was for last year's scheme.

Do you have to be so melodramatic?

My reputation's on the line here.

You've got a journalist coming in a couple of hours. What kind of story

are they going to write based on today's shambles, eh?

I'll be back in five minutes. Where are you going?

To the archives. Try and hold it together.

Find out who's doing this to me.

MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

Aren't you done yet?

I think I can manage another one of these.

Really? You've already had five tartlets and four of the vine leaves,

half a dozen cheesy twists and shedloads of olives.

Can you not tell him you're finished so we can carry on with the stupid game?

You're probably right.

Six savoury tartlets probably is excessive.

I need to save room for dessert.

Ooh, profiteroles.

I'm a big fan of profiteroles.

You don't have to try everything.

Oh, but I do.

You do know gluttony's a sin?

I'm not religious.

Very attractive.

I think I've had enough.

You can say that again.

I thought you'd finished.

This is for later.

Thank you very much for lunch.

We are ready to continue.

Valerie.

Sid.

Your next task is...

..a shopping trip to spend the ?100 you won earlier.

Yes!

You must now decide which one of you goes shopping.

Which one?

The one who is going shopping must take the key from the wall

and exit through the door marked X.

They must proceed to the craft shop and cafe adjacent to this

building and spend ?100 on the item or items

of their choice before returning here.

And the other one?

The person who is not going shopping must go through the door marked Y...

and wait.

Wait for what? Wait for further instructions.

Come on then, we agreed.

Yeah, I know we did agree, but maybe it would be better to split

the money just in case the ?5,000 doesn't work out.

50-50. That's only fair.

No, he said spend all of it.

Maybe I could make you a list.

Have you got a pen?

What I buy has to be my choice, he said.

Excuse me? Could you clarify the position?

Better not risk it, not with five grand at stake. Come on.

CLATTERING AND YELLING

Valerie, please don't kick the bucket.

You are toying with me.

This isn't art, it's cruelty.

You seemed happy enough earlier on -

why the change of heart?

It's my prize and Sid's spending it.

You're envious of him.

Can I go now?

You are free to leave at any time.

But if you want to win the ?5,000, you must stay where you are.

How do I know you're not lying?

You don't know, Valerie.

Five minutes you said. More like 45.

It's A Sin - an immersive art installation by Lewis Connor.

Never heard of him. He's obviously a nobody.

I know everyone on the Midlands art circuit.

What an amateur,

he actually believes this derivative excrement is worthy of funding.

Because your pretentious drivel is so much better.

He rents space on Crofton Street.

Come on.

Did you just call my art pretentious drivel?

Valerie.

On the shelf in front of you is a blindfold.

Could you put it on, please.

MUSIC: Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye

You can take your blindfold off now, Valerie.

So, Valerie...

May I call you Valerie?

You may.

Are you enjoying your day?

Good.

I'd like to get to know you better.

Would you?

Would you like to sit down?

So, tell me about yourself.

What do you want to know?

Everything, Valerie.

Everything.

Well, I'm not in a relationship.

I'm sorry. It's not you, it's the Lycra.

Would you mind?

We're here.

She's...

I don't believe it.

He's...

Hot? Half naked?

He's seducing her.

He's seducing my subject!

He can seduce me any day of the week.

You really are in very good shape.

Thank you, Valerie.

You have beautiful auricles.

Do I?

Did you know the earlobe has tens of thousands of nerve endings?

Which makes them very sensitive.

Get away from her.

Sid, it's fine.

I know what you're up to. He's trying to seduce you.

Well, I am over 21. Just.

He doesn't fancy you, Valerie - it's for the installation.

Sorry, you've lost me. We are the art.

They're trying to make us commit the seven deadly sins.

What are you feeling right now?

Confused.

Before confused, before I came into the room - lust?

I don't think that's any of your business, actually.

The first room - that was greed.

We could have donated that ?5,000 to charity, and we didn't.

The second room - you insisted you'd be better than

at creating that artwork than me - pride.

The third room - sloth. You made me sort the buttons on my own.

Fourth room - gluttony.

No!

If you weren't so self-obsessed, you'd have seen it for yourself.

It's not true. Is it?

How long have you known?

Not long.

Since before you went shopping?

Sid, how could you?

This is what he wants - wrath!

And you, you monster!

I'm not a puppet to be manipulated.

This has nothing to do with Freddie.

He kidnapped you.

He's an impostor.

We are so sorry for what you've been through.

You have no idea. Yes, we do.

PHONE RINGS

I'm busy.

Is this your idea of fun, is it?

Not fun, art.

Taunting me, humiliating me, making me look like a vain,

grasping harpy with low morals.

You are despicable!

Don't be upset, Valerie.

It's time for you to claim your prize.

There really is ?5,000?

He's not going to give you five grand.

I'm not.

You are.

The grant he received for today's community art project.

There is no prize.

Freddie's had a lot of public funding from Melanie

over the last couple of years.

This is strictly against the rules because they

are in a relationship which they haven't declared.

Who told you that?

If this information became common knowledge,

Melanie would probably lose her job.

Sorry, what's this got to do with us?

I have no doubt our fraudulent friends will gladly give you

the cash in return for your...

discretion.

Isn't that blackmail?

Absolutely.

I'm afraid there's been a big misunderstanding -

the ?5,000 was always going to go to Valerie at the end of today.

Freddie volunteered his time and expert guidance free of charge.

She's just saying that cos they're in trouble?

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, I couldn't possibly accept the money,

I wouldn't feel comfortable.

I'm about to start working in the charitable sector.

PHONE RINGS

Mr Hanbury.

What? Yes, sir, right away.

Hanbury. What's that miserable old git want?

He's an outstanding Chief Exec. He's a massive pillock.

Freddie, don't say another word. What's wrong with you? You can't stand him.

We're streaming live to the web!

Sir, I have the utmost respect for you and all of the work

you put into running the Council.

I will cooperate fully with any enquiry

into the misappropriation of public funds.

Mr Templar will return the money.

I won those commissions fair and square.

Shut up, you idiot!

Melanie!

Looks like Melanie and Freddie intend to resolve

their personal and artistic differences in private.

Well, that concludes It's A Sin - my interactive art project

engaging the community through moral and ethical challenges

whilst exposing the corruption at the core of the arts funding.

Sorry, can I say something?

Hello. I'd like to apologise for my sinful behaviour today,

although as far as sins go, I don't see how eating

a plate of hors d'oeuvres is any more deadly than, say,

mugging an old lady for her pension.

Maybe someone from the theological community could look into that.

And finally, I'd like to emphasise that the views expressed

during the making of this art are my own and not those

of my new employer, the Machlachlan Trust.

Thank you for watching.

No, Valerie, thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I said some mean things.

No, I had it coming. I've been very silly, haven't I?

No. I really am self-obsessed.

You didn't commit half as many deadly sins as I did.

And you tried to rescue me when you thought I was in the clutches

of an evil seducer.

I'll always have your back, Valerie.

You're very special, certainly one of a kind.

It's been an honour sharing your prize with you.

I hope you like it - I made it myself with a bit of help

from the artist running the craft shop.

I love it.

I'm really going to miss you, Valerie.

Oh, Sid.

It's not as bad as it looks. There's no structural damage.

It's mainly smoke and water.

I've got twin girls, Summer and August.

No prizes for guessing when they were born.

Get off me! Get your hands off me!

Now that looks sore.

I must say, you've been very discreet about my leaving do.

I didn't know there was a leaving do.

Ha-ha!

Very good.

Get your pills! Side-effects guaranteed.

'I'm a doctor. I believe that many common illnesses

'are best treated without drugs.'

We're just prescribing

more and more pills.

Patients want a quick fix. We need a revolution.