The Limpet Doctors

VIDEO GAME NOISE

Morning.

Didn't think you'd still here.

Thought you'd be off to school by now.

-Cab's late.

-Oh, right.

Probably caught up in that demonstration.

Which is, in actual fact, a bunch of troublemakers

blocking up the main road.

Grab your stuff, I'll give you a lift.

No...thanks.

It's no problem. You don't want to be late.

I do get it, you know.

I didn't want to go to school when I was your age either.

Thing is, Barney, education is important.

One way of turning your life around is to go to school,

work hard, get some qualifications.

We're here to help, you know?

If you have any problems with anything,

with your homework, with anything, just ask.

Hmm?

So, how about that lift?

PHONE BEEPS

Cab's outside.

I am so sorry for the wait.

Three members of staff got caught up in the protests

on their way to work.

Perhaps you should take it up with the anti-capitalists?

Kirsty!

Valerie!

Do you work here?

I've actually provided temporary cover for a number of years,

but when the Mill heard that I was available,

they begged me to come back.

How are you?

Traumatised.

Things have gone from bad to worse since the agency folded.

What with you and that snake Dylan.

I hope he gets banged up.

Well, if you'd like to take a seat?

No, I've got an appointment in a minute.

Ah, there will be a delay.

Probably about half an hour.

It's not Dr Carter's fault. He's normally very punctual.

I just walked four miles to get here.

I had to run the last bit to get here on time.

I was nearly late myself this morning.

Fortunately, I managed to drive past the protestors before they

managed to block the carriageway.

And look on the bright side - a good cardiovascular workout

is never a waste.

I have to walk everywhere these days.

You should see me blisters.

I'm literally sloshing around in my own blood.

I need a new pair of trainers, but I can barely afford to eat.

I'm down to my last £5 and that's to cover my bus fare

to an interview, but the company's miles away - job centre don't care

Oh, look, there's a seat free.

I have filled out 104 application forms this month.

Do you know how many interviews I've had?

Two.

When you blew the whistle,

my life tumbled into a morass of debt and despair.

Well, I am very sorry,

but I did feel it was my public duty to

expose illegal and unethical practices.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Protest's over.

For now.

Hey, I hear that you are down for the school gig next week. Wow.

Throwing the new boy in at the deep end or what?

Inspector asked me to volunteer.

He heard about my amazing rapport with the Xbox generation.

I could have done with a bit of that this morning over the Rice Krispies.

New foster kid.

You foster? Nice one.

Never had anyone look after me back in the day.

Nearly went off the rails a few times.

Well, that is exactly why we are doing it.

Trying to get in there before it's too late.

PHONE RINGS

Hollins.

Yeah.

OK, on our way.

Gerry's Minimart has been done over again.

-Yes, it's flared up again.

-Have you been scratching it?

It's itchy.

And you are using the emollients?

Religiously.

At least I don't have to pay for them any more.

OK, I can prescribe steroid creams and antihistamines.

It's not infected at the moment -

we need to keep it that way.

Any idea what's triggered it this time?

My crappy life?

You're quite stressed?

Stressed, broke, unemployed, isolated, abandoned.

When Valerie ratted on Westmount,

she threw the rest of us to the wolves.

I don't think that was her intention,

but I can look into giving you some more support.

-Yeah?

-Counselling can be very effective.

Counselling?

What, to help me feel better about living on the breadline?

It's not me that needs fixing, it's the system.

It's going to take about half an hour to clear the backlog.

I'm ever so sorry.

TELEPHONE RINGS Oh, two ticks, I'll just...

Hello?

Yeah, speaking.

What?

No, he should be there!

I'll just call my husband.

What's wrong?

Barney hasn't turned up for school.

Answer your flipping phone!

Do you mind if I...?

Well, it's official.

My recent unemployment's caused my eczema to erupt.

It's steroid cream for the...

I would really love to chat, but I've got a gigantic backlog

and my colleague's just having a family emergency.

-Bye, then.

-Bye.

Have you seen Emma?

Not since giving her a lift in. It's been manic.

Did she say anything about the car?

Touchy subject.

OK. Well, have you got a minute, cos I want to run something by her?

What, have you found a buyer?

Yeah. Online. I mean, she's still going to take a huge hit,

but he's offering way more than anyone else.

I just wasn't sure whether to mention it or not,

cos I really don't think she's in the right place to make

a decision like that right now.

I've tried his mobile!

Will you just get him on the radio and tell him to call his wife?

Hmm, what was all that about?

Well, we're getting there, but it's not been easy.

Single-handedly completely reorganising morning surgery.

Where is Mrs Hollins?

Her foster child has gone awol.

She is in no fit state to deal with crotchety patien...

Kirsty.

I've missed my bus.

What am I going to do?

Wait for the next one?

I'm going to miss my interview.

The job centre'll sanction me.

I don't want to point fingers,

but if I'd been seen by the doctor at the proper time,

then I would not be in this situation.

Mrs Tembe, given the circumstances,

perhaps the Mill could stump up for a taxi?

I am sorry for the delay in your appointment.

Perhaps if you would like to come into my office,

I will call the job centre and explain.

No, I'm sorry, that's not good enough.

My benefits are in jeopardy.

And there's a 30-minute wait for a cab.

Do not worry.

Once they are aware of the circumstances,

I'm sure they will understand.

When did you last sign on?

Excuse me, I do not think that is relevant.

Oh, but it is relevant.

You have no idea what it's like to be at the mercy of

a government department run by sadistic robots.

Valerie can give me a lift.

Right. Well, that is settled.

You can take an early lunch.

We'll be in touch.

Shopkeeper didn't see anything.

Great.

He was in the back.

Heard a crashing noise, came out to find stock all over the floor,

mainly just tobacco products.

Till was open, about 40 in notes gone.

It's an opportunist after cash and tobacco.

Looks like it.

Any joy?

The woman on the till saw a black lad

carrying a bin-bag run past her window.

Male, mid-teens, dark clothes.

Narrows it down.

Yeah, but he was running towards the square, which is wall-to-wall CCTV.

There can't be that many bin-bag toting teenagers running round

at 11 in the morning.

Let's make a move, then.

Good luck, then.

I'd better be going.

Will you wait?

You're here now.

I'll be 20 minutes, tops.

I've got to get back to work.

Your boss'll be all right. She was really apologetic.

Well, I suppose.

Do I look like a pauper? Be honest?

Not like a pauper.

Right.

Let's get this over with.

Erm, Kirsty, that is not a very good attitude.

You don't want the interviewer to think he's putting you

through some hideous ordeal.

It is a hideous ordeal.

Anyway, my attitude doesn't matter.

I'm not going to get the job.

-I'm only going, so they don't cut me benefits.

-Do you want this job?

Of course!

-But...

-No!

No "buts", Kirsty.

If you want this job,

you go in there and you show them how much you want it.

And then you make them want you.

-Make them want me?

-Mm.

So, what are you going to do?

Big meself up.

Oh, and I wouldn't mention the morass of debt and despair.

Kirsty Roland, please.

Karen.

Karen, are you talking to me now?

Right, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you.

Don't worry, I'm sure he's fine.

Sarge?

Yeah, I'm still here.

There's been a development.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

You got it?

Subject to me references checking out.

Which they will.

"Doctor" Pitman.

What have you done?

Well, you're my referee.

I gave you a promotion. I hope you don't mind,

but high praise sounds much better coming from a doctor.

I know it's not true, but they'll never find out.

Don't worry, I'll write it.

You just have to print it on headed notepaper.

No, but you would never do that, because that's dishonest.

How am I supposed to get a job without references?

There's no point me asking Dylan?

He's a master criminal on the run.

Yeah, but lying isn't the answer.

What do you think they do in call centres?

They tell porkies to the unsuspecting public.

I'll be selling dubious products to grannies -

being flexible with the truth will be an asset.

She doesn't mean it.

Me, "a deceitful, unprincipled, menace"?

Who does he think he is?

I don't want his stupid job anyway.

You shouldn't have lied.

It was your idea!

"Make them want me", "big meself up".

Look, enhancing your skills and experience is not the same thing as

conjuring a completely fictional CV out of thin air.

You said to demonstrate my creativity.

Oh, I've gone dizzy.

I know what it is.

It's hypoglycaemia.

I haven't eaten for 24 hours.

I would kill to own a car like that.

You're right, she's not thinking straight.

She should definitely keep it.

Right. So, now we just need to convince her.

Hmm.

Sid.

There's something I wanted to talk to you about.

Right.

Sounds ominous.

Go on, then.

Well, it doesn't change anything between you and me.

Like, we're still friends and everything.

Right, now you really are making me nervous. What is it?

I've been seeing someone.

So? What's the big deal?

You don't mind?

Of course I don't mind, I'm pleased for you. Why would I mind?

Well, you were acting pretty weird when you thought I was sleeping with Jimmi.

I wasn't acting weird.

I was trying to act normal - it just came out weird.

Right.

So, who is he?

His name's Seb.

And?

Where did you find him?

Beboxalula.

-What?

-It's like boxing to keep fit.

Emma and I joined the classes when you were on holiday and

Seb's the instructor.

Bet he's a bit of a laugh.

Yeah, he's all right.

Bit boring.

Boring? In what way?

Oh, I don't know. It's probably just me.

Emma reckons I find fault with every man who darkens my door.

She hasn't lost all her faculties, then.

Sorry.

No sign of him. Surprise, surprise.

Nothing in his room.

-Don't you need a warrant?

-Funny.

Sorry.

I thought he was up to something.

So where next? Where does he hang out?

I don't know. He's not from round here.

He only moved in last week.

OK.

So, he's heading to a place he knows,

or he's going to stash the stuff near yours.

Oh, yeah. He'll want to keep it close to him.

There's a park down the road,

plenty of places to hide stuff - and we can check the underpass.

Your new friend rang again.

Yeah, that one.

She wants you to call her back.

I just dropped her off. What did she want?

She didn't say, she just said it was urgent.

She's just going to ring reception again.

Well, maybe you could be on phone duty this afternoon.

Valerie, deal with it.

-Please?

-Make the call.

I've got a foster child who's on a crime spree and

Rob's got steam coming out his ears.

I'm not fielding your calls all day!

Good afternoon, Mill Health Centre, can I help you?

One moment.

-FAKES ACCENT:

-Oh, I'm sorry, Valerie's in meetings all afternoon.

I'll give her the message.

Bye.

Nothing.

THE SWEENEY RINGTONE

Excuse me, I'll get this.

Have you found him?

I said I would call.

It's been hours!

Karen, I know how long it's been.

-Have you checked home?

-Yes.

And I'll check it again in a bit.

Well, I could try and get off early.

No, don't do that.

There's no point both of us running around in circles.

I'll get back to you when there's any news, OK? Bye.

Any empty buildings nearby?

Building sites?

There are, actually.

Children can be such a worry.

KNOCKING

Told you you should've called her back.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

I've been evicted.

Landlords can't evict people willy-nilly. Tenants have rights.

He's changing the locks as we speak.

Well, you'd better speak to citizens' advice.

He can't just chuck you out on the street, not without a court order.

It's in there, somewhere.

It's been going on for months.

Well, I didn't know, did I?

I only opened them when he turned up with his goons.

I hate bad news.

Well, you're going to have to phone the council.

I've used up all me credit leaving messages for you.

£12.50 for the taxi.

Could you pay him? You know how I'm fixed.

# I don't want to go to school

# I don't want to take the call

# I just want to be a fool and

# Get lovesick with you! #

Sarge?

SINGING CONTINUES

Miss Rowland?

Oh, hello, Dr Carter. I was just looking for the biscuits?

This is the staffroom.

What are you doing in here?

-Valerie's trying to find me somewhere to live.

-Ah.

-Unfortunately, I was evicted at lunchtime.

-Oh.

A mix-up with the rent. I missed a few payments.

Landlords can be so unforgiving about that sort of thing,

and, as you know, my precarious financial situation

was precipitated by events beyond my control.

Good news! I have found you a place at a hostel.

Excuse me?

Oh, no. Erm, I...

I'm sorry. I don't want to be ungrateful, but I can't stay there.

It's a zoo.

No, it's not a zoo, it's worse than a zoo.

It's a sewer.

A dumping ground for dregs.

Lowlifes coming out of prison - or on their way in.

But the lady in the housing department

assured me it was suitable.

She said all the rooms had been refurbished,

new carpets throughout, fitted storage.

Valerie, what use are fitted wardrobes if I have my throat cut?

I might as well sleep in a wheelie bin down the rec.

Well, you can't sleep in a wheelie bin.

Why not?

I'm no better than trash.

Surely somebody could put you up for a couple of nights?

A friend?

Oh, not me. I...cos...

Well, I'm not in a position to...

Well, if the worst comes to the worst...

On a temporary basis.

Oh, thank you!

Thank you! Oh, you're a rock.

So, are we talking sofa bed or do you have a spare room?

Leave me alone!

What were you trying to prove, hmm?

Stealing on my patch!

Do you think you're a hard man, do you? Well, you're not.

You're not a hard man, but where you are heading, they ARE hard men.

They're harder and bigger than you.

-Sarge?

-Do you want to be locked up?!

Because, if you are locked up, you are on a very slippery slope!

-Sarge, you're scaring him.

-Yes, he should be scared.

Because you're throwing your life away.

You're throwing your life away for no good reason.

He has his reasons.

This fruit salad's out of date. Perhaps someone should eat it?

Well, it's Ayesha's. Ayesha should eat it.

Bet it gets thrown away.

If people knew what it's like to be hungry all the time,

they wouldn't be so wasteful.

I know you've had a hard time of it recently,

but you are letting it get under your skin.

Semi-starvation and homelessness would get under your skin, too.

It probably would, but I like to think I'd do something about it.

-Such as?

-Fight back.

When fate decrees that you're a loser, when the establishment grinds

you down, do you want to cling to the nearest rock and wait to

be crushed or do you want to fly into action, defending what's yours?

I haven't got anything to defend any more.

Anyway, I don't like fighting. I might get injured.

Fortune favours the brave, Kirsty.

Hermit crabs are soft and exposed, just like you.

But do they sit around waiting to be squashed or eaten? No.

No, they don't. They seek out an abandoned shell to shield

their vulnerable parts and then they sally forth into the world,

waving their awesome claws and eviscerating their enemies.

Are you a limpet or a crab?

I think we should discuss this further.

Over a takeaway.

Is there a decent Chinese near yours?

Look, you're too close to this.

Let the missus know what's going on, I'll talk to him.

Hmm.

Barney?

I'm Tyler.

How did you know?

Mate of mine died from this stuff.

I wasn't always a copper, you know?

Back, where I'm from, kids end up inside, not on the force.

Me and my mate Dano thought we were invincible.

Until he started on this.

One slip up, that's all it takes.

Dead at 13.

You've got a chance to knock this on the head.

You've got some people who really care about you.

I know he's a angry now, but he cares and so does Karen.

There's still time to put this right, mate.

Good lad.

Come on.

-Where we going?

-The station.

I just think it would be better coming from you, that's all.

Sid, I'll put my foot in it.

You'll put your foot in it? You know I ramble when I'm nervous.

I'm bound to say something out of order.

I've never felt so stressed and it's over

a stupid car and it's not even mine.

-I take it we're talking about my stupid car, then.

-Emma!

It's not stupid. It's gorgeous.

It's just you can't sell it.

It lost a quarter of its value the moment you drove it.

That's thousands of pounds down the drain!

We've been talking and we both agree - you have to keep the car.

Oh, if that's what you think.

I really don't care.

I'm so glad you changed you mind.

No, nothing's changed.

Keep it, sell it, it's all the same to me.

As long as I don't have to look at it,

it can sit and rot on the driveway.

Have you any idea what you've done?

Because, at the moment,

your fate is in the hands of a very upset shopkeeper.

And if PC Green can't talk him round, then you will face charges.

So, let's just hope that all he wants is his stock back

and not a day out at the magistrates.

Is any of this going in?

-Barney?

-Yes.

Sorry.

THE SWEENEY RINGTONE

PC Green.

OK, thank you.

-CROWD CHANTS:

-People, not profit! People, not profit!

I've got nothing against Radio 4,

but who wants to listen to current affairs first thing?

Life's depressing enough without some animal-lover banging on

about pig welfare when you're eating your full English.

You're not vegetarian, are you?

And as for Thought For The Day... Ugh!

I thought they'd cleared this protest this morning.

What is wrong with these people?

Have they not got homes to go to?

Where are you going?

Awesome claws.

Kirsty, don't! Just...

-CROWD CHANTS:

-People, not profit! People, not profit!

Go on.

Wait.

Letting me down is one thing,

because, with the job I do, I'm used to it, but Karen...

She really likes you.

I think you owe her an apology.

Go, get out of me sight.

Where is he?

Upstairs.

Karen.

We need to talk first.

-CHANTS CONTINUE:

-People, not profit! People, not profit!

People, not profit! People, not profit!

RINGTONE

Valerie.

Look, sorry, if I'm interrupting.

I'd would just appreciate an update, if it's not too much trouble.

I'm just getting the lowdown on the AACBW -

Anarchists and Anti-Capitalists for a Better World.

They really are inspiring.

Well, I'm glad you're having such a jolly time, but I'm going home.

You see, this is your problem, Valerie.

You have got so much invested in bricks and mortar,

you're missing the bigger picture.

Home is this planet, not your little rabbit hutch.

I don't live in a rabbit hutch!

Rabbit hutch, hamster cage, chicken run.

The AACBW are not slaves to capitalism,

subjugated by the promise of a salary, Valerie.

Shout it, sister.

They are not sedated into conforming by consumerism.

They are not taking it lying down.

They are sticking it to the powers that be.

Sorry, my place is here...

fighting for a better world!

Thank you, thank you.

You're not disappointed?

I'll get your suitcase.

Are you going to charge him?

The shopkeeper said to deal with him "as we see fit".

Why did he do it? Has he said?

He's got problems.

Serious problems.

-Solvent abuse.

-Oh!

I thought it was about the cash, but I think that was just a bonus.

-He was after the aerosols.

-Why didn't Social Services tell us?

I don't know!

Why didn't I see it?

Oh, Rob, not down to you.

He's living under my roof! My young PC worked it out.

30 years in the job and I can't see what's under my nose.

What kind of officer does that make me?

What kind of parent?

If they find out that we're sleeping together, they'll fire both of us.

So we DID sleep together?

What?

Did we?

You are not an alcoholic.

I am. I'm drunk now.

-Eugh.

-See?

Look, if you're not going to say anything, I have other

patients I need to see, so...

Vomiting.

You black out?

I wouldn't mind a blackout.