The Boring Identity Doctors

-Hm. You're on page six.

-Really?

-Yeah.

"Prime Minister chairs COBRA meetings on the environment."

-So not me, exactly.

-But you're implied.

Along with 20 or so other people.

-I do miss the lunches.

-I can tell.

I've gone down a belt size.

I think if I hadn't hit that tree, a buffet would have got me instead.

So, what's in the diary today?

Spot of gardening, if the weather holds.

The library book needs taking back.

-Pace yourself(!)

-I will.

You know who I saw in the office? Brian Mayflower.

-Who?

-We were at his retirement do.

He's a consultant now.

-Good for him.

-Gets paid twice as much.

You know, I bet if you wanted to come back,

they'd bite your hand off.

-Who?

-The Harlem Globetrotters. Who do you think(?)

-I'm fine.

-Are you?

Let's talk later, eh? Mm.

-Do you fancy the Icon at lunchtime?

-Mm. Why not?

-Is that a new suit, Jimmi?

-Well, actually...

I bet it looked really good on the hanger.

-What?

-I can see why you bought it.

-Is it second-hand?

-You think it looks second-hand?

-I think she means vintage.

-That's it. Hm!

Yeah, I think you're very brave.

Not everyone could carry off that look.

Right.

-I think it really suits you, Jimmi.

-Thanks.

-What was that about?

-Well, I've been single for a while.

And you're taking it out on Jimmi because...?

-I was negging him.

-OK, now you're just making up words.

It's when you give someone a backhanded compliment so they'll be attracted to you.

I think I'm getting quite good at it.

I thought I might try it out at lunchtime.

Do you know what? I have got a lot of paperwork to do.

-I don't know if I can make the Icon.

-Oh, come on, I need a wing woman.

It's all right for you, you've got a boyfriend.

What about us sad, lonely singletons?

-Sorry I'm late.

-Actually, you timed it right. I just put my trousers on.

We must be thankful for small mercies.

I nearly bumped into Henrietta.

-Did she see you?

-I don't think so.

16 blocks of cheese.

Just cheese?

That's what he took. Cleared them out.

No pickle?

-No.

-He must be "crackers".

Manager said he's a big fella. Might have to approach him "Caerphilly".

Oh, yeah, very good.

Did you get a description, or was he wearing a mascarpone?

Huh! They caught him on CCTV.

-Yeah, Ryan Gordon.

-You know him?

Yeah. We nicked him a couple of months back trying to sell a bagful of bacon.

But it's not always food. The time before that, I think it was jeans.

He will try and flog anything he can get his grubby little hands on.

So he's definitely got a "Brie-vious", then.

-Brie. You get it?

-Oh, dear.

Thank you for helping with Barney.

You thanked me already.

I know. I wanted to thank you again.

And when we've done with Lex Luthor, how about I buy you lunch?

-You don't have to do that.

-And yet I am going to do it.

You never know, you might even bump into that nurse you fancy.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

-Yeah, right!

Come on, I'm starving.

CLASSICAL MUSIC

So, there we are.

HARRY EXHALES That's good.

It's very good.

The Europeans are so much better at this sort of thing.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Well, there are exceptions.

The Americans can throw money at their orchestras,

but they don't connect with the material the same way we do.

Hm.

-I used to think you didn't like me at all.

-I didn't.

-Right.

-No, I really didn't.

I thought you were pretentious and loud.

And I used to think you were arrogant and smug.

Amazing what a couple of major health scares can do.

Oh, there's a great new Bernstein symphony I have to play you.

Sounds great. I'll just top up the tea.

There's a big brown fox asleep in the garden.

Oh, are you the gardener?

Paris is beautiful at this time of year.

Yes, it is.

What are you doing in the kitchen?

I am looking for a piano tuner.

I'll...just ask my friend if he knows one.

My library book is overdue.

The pie is a family recipe.

Can you show me the way to the nearest taxidermist?

You seem confused.

This is the right address. Are you Haitch?

-You mean Aitch.

-What?

You mean Aitch, not Haitch.

Whatever. Are you him?

Well, I'm Heston, but I don't live here.

Who does?

What's going on?

Barney, Dr Clay's here.

Hi, Barney. Hope it's OK. Karen thought this would be a good time.

Tea drinker?

My mum taught me. Do you want some?

Er...yeah, thanks.

I promise you, it won't be quick.

I've been chatting with your social worker team, we've been trying

to come up with a plan to fast-track your substance-abuse treatment. OK?

-OK.

-Doesn't seem that fast to me.

Why didn't they know about it before?

It's not their fault. I'm pretty sneaky when I want to be.

Is that right?

I'm going to have to keep my eye on you.

-THEY CHUCKLE

-You can try.

My name is Ivan.

Well, that's not my real name, but it's the name you know me by.

Like I know you only as Haitch.

So, we haven't met?

Never. We leave messages in the usual places.

I think you have the wrong person.

You're a sleeper agent.

I've come to activate you.

You definitely have the wrong person.

Harry and Henrietta Ridgard.

You've lived in this house for nine years.

-Anyone can find that out.

-Before that, London.

Before that, Brussels. Before that, New York.

You both work at the Home Office.

Actually, I'm retired.

When did this happen?

You're the spy, you tell me.

It wasn't in your file.

You're supposed to ask permission before you do anything like that.

It must have slipped my mind, what the coma and everything.

Coma?

Ran my car into a tree.

It was touch-and-go for a while.

I should have been told.

-Are you from an insurance company?

-No.

Look, whatever you're up to, I'd like you to leave now, please.

I'm not finished.

You heard what he said, and I've called the police.

2:00 in the park, if you want to know the truth.

Are you all right?

I'm fine. How much of that did you hear?

Most of it. What a load of nonsense!

How do you think he knew so much about me?

He's clearly he's up to something, so you should definitely tell the police.

I suppose so.

You're not thinking of meeting him?

Maybe I can find out what his plan is before I call the police.

-I don't think that's a good idea.

-I won't give him any money.

This is absurd! If I were you...

Heston, please!

I need to find out what he wants.

BIRDSONG

Thanks for this, Heston. It's good to have someone watching your back.

Not a problem.

I have some experience of staking out.

Really?

The important thing is to blend in and be part of the scenery.

Do you think we need some sort of a secret sign?

It'll be fine. Come on, I think I see him.

I've been thinking about this morning.

-You were testing me, weren't you?

-No.

I didn't give you the right password

and that's why you pretended not to know.

I wasn't pretending.

To be honest, it had been so long, I was sure they'd forgotten about me.

How about you say the answer and I give you the question?

Would that satisfy you?

Listen to me, I have no idea what you're talking about.

-Oh, you're good.

-Stop it!

Just tell me how you know so much about me.

I told you, I'm your handler.

I don't have a handler.

Not your first one, obviously, but I've read your file.

One of the best sleeper agents the Soviet Union ever had.

What?! OK, now I know you're making this up.

I would never betray my country.

You didn't.

Your real name is Arkady Maksimov.

Mm-hm.

See, I'm not really looking for a relationship.

I'm quite happy being on my own, you know.

Oh. That's a shame.

Why?

Because she's here.

-Oh!

-How are you doing?

Can I get you a drink?

Maybe this accident of yours damaged you more than you thought.

No.

Are you sure?

You didn't suffer any memory loss?

A little, but I got it back.

I would remember if I was a spy.

I agree.

You do?

Perhaps this accident was a convenient excuse.

Perhaps you hoped your country had forgotten about you too.

The KGB doesn't even exist any more. more.

The Russian government believes in recycling.

We're all FSB now.

Listen, even if this is true, I'm retired.

I don't work for any government any more.

Who am I going to spy on, my bridge partners?

No.

Your wife.

No.

There's no way I'd spy on Hen.

We know where you live.

We know your friends and family.

We can destroy your wife's career...

or worse.

I'll call the police.

You think they'll believe you?

And if they did,

what is the prison sentence for treason?

I will come for you again.

And this time I expect you to behave.

Oh, and if you still have any doubts,

every spy has an escape kit,

containing everything they need to start a new life.

Somewhere in your perfect house...

the proof is hidden.

Are you all right?

(What did he say?)

I need to go home.

-There you go.

-Thanks.

I asked for fresh orange juice, not orange squash.

Sorry.

I think he's used to greasy spoons.

I can tell.

-My lemonade's lovely. Thank you, Tyler.

-No worries.

So, how long have you both been working at the Mill?

Too long.

I was actually a temp for ages, but now they've realised

they can't do without me. I'm a receptionist.

Right. So you're trying to steal Karen's job?

Not any more.

Who told you that?

I think he's joking.

Oh, sorry!

So am I.

So you both like working at the Mill?

No comment!

Sorry, yes, I do.

What about you, Ayesha?

Listen, it's lunchtime.

Could we talk about something other than the Mill?

Yeah.

So you both work at Campus as well?

We met a very interesting character today that we picked up.

Right.

He stole 16 blocks of cheese.

He must have been "crackers".

It's good, that one!

Surely you're not still taking him seriously?

I did have amnesia.

I thought I got it all back, but what if I didn't?

I imagine to be a spy you have to bury a part of yourself.

Could I lose that part and not know about it?

Trauma is rarely that tidy.

-But it's not impossible?

-It's unlikely.

Will you help me search the house?

I know how it sounds.

And if we don't find anything, you'll let it go?

Hen keeps the place pretty organised.

It shouldn't be too difficult.

Right.

Where do we start?

Mmm.

That was lovely, thank you. I'm going to crack on.

You and Karen seem to get on pretty well.

Yeah, she's all right.

Apart from all that music she listens to from the olden days.

Oh, the 1980s?

That's the stuff.

It's been a long time since I've lived somewhere

as nice as this, though.

Like, never.

Yeah, Karen's a real one-off.

I wish I'd had someone like her looking out for me

when I was your age.

What about your mum and dad?

My mum died and my...

dad didn't deal with it very well.

Right.

He was...

He was an angry man.

His idea of good parenting was to lock me in a cupboard

and leave me there.

Similar to you.

It can take a long time to get past something like that, so...

Yeah.

I used to think he must have really hated me.

But he didn't really think that he was doing anything wrong

and the worst thing was, afterwards,

he didn't really think about it at all.

-You talked to him?

-Yeah, yeah.

But I don't think he really understood what he did to me.

The best way you can get past this is to live

a good and meaningful life.

Don't think about the bullies

because they don't think about you the way that you think about them.

The way to take control back is to just live your life anyway.

And you did.

No, you did.

Bad things happened, but you're a doctor now.

I guess.

You look after people, you help people.

You're helping me.

That's a happy ending, isn't it?

It's complicated.

Well, yeah.

But if you can do it, maybe it's not hopeless for me.

It's not hopeless, Barney.

HE SIGHS

So that's that, then.

Nothing.

I think it's best you just move on.

You're right, I suppose.

It's been quite a day.

I've actually rather enjoyed myself.

It's not been dull.

Even if we accept for a minute that he's not delusional,

you have a different life now.

You've got friends and family, a lovely house, a lovely garden.

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

The garden.

We didn't look outside.

Oh.

CLATTERING AND BANGING

Heston!

Heston!

Do you know the combination?

I've never seen it before.

Maybe it's Henrietta's?

She wouldn't come in here.

Damn!

Do you want me to get my stethoscope from the car?

-Then we can listen to the tumblers...

-I've got another idea.

..like they do in the movies.

Harry?

Harry?

Harry?

Up here.

No, I wouldn't do that!

Did it work?

Yes.

It's just cheese.

He was a thief and he threatened a cafe owner.

Really?

He threw cheese at her.

Oh, well, then.

It could be worse, I guess.

It could have been hard cheese.

Or cottage cheese, in a tub.

So, Tyler, I think you're very brave.

It's not everyone can pull off a look like that.

It's my uniform.

Valerie, can I have a quick word, please?

-Yes, Rob.

-Maybe we should give Tyler and Ayesha a little...

Do you know what I think?

I think if this cheese thief was some middle-class bloke

you wouldn't bother.

-That's not true.

-Yeah, it is.

If you can talk proper and dress nice, well,

you get a slap on the wrist.

But some poor lad off the council estate...

That's not how it is.

Don't tell me what it's like.

How would you know? You didn't grow up where I grew up,

having the police coming round all the time,

looking at you like they'd already made up their mind.

-I did.

-Sure you did(!)

I did.

I grew up on an estate just like Churchill, so I get it.

You know, there can be prejudice on the force.

I get that, but I don't work like that and neither does Rob,

you know that.

You talking about me?

Wherever you grew up, you're police now

and police stick together.

What on earth?

I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation.

Do you miss being a surgeon?

Sometimes.

I think I made the right decision.

I couldn't carry on working like that.

Henrietta's worried that retirement is going to be too boring for me.

You seem happy.

I am.

I don't regret any of my choices,

-except perhaps taking that corner a little too fast.

-Yes.

I like my life.

I shall miss it.

What?

I won't risk bringing Hen down as well.

What do you mean?

They can't threaten me if they can't find me.

-Harry, wait.

-Sorry, Heston, there isn't time.

We should do this again sometime.

Are you a masochist?

Maybe.

What do you reckon?

About what?

I don't know. I'll take you for a drink, maybe dinner?

I don't think so.

You don't have to decide now, you can think about it.

I'm seeing someone. It's serious.

Oh.

I didn't realise.

What, so we just met and I was supposed to give you

my relationship status?

No.

But I'd quite like to get to know you a bit better.

Finally.

-Bye, then.

-Bye, Valerie.

So?

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

Don't know.

"Hallo-mi".

That's a good one.

The Bernstein symphony I mentioned.

Harry, you are over-reacting.

I have to go before Ivan comes back.

No, wait!

Harry.

You called her.

I had to, things were getting out of hand.

This was all my fault.

You can come in now.

I don't understand.

This is Gareth.

He's an actor.

Hi.

A what?

None of this was real.

It was a game, like a treasure hunt.

An immersive theatrical experience, that's what we like to call it.

I'm sorry, Harry.

It was supposed to be a bit of fun.

Fun?

So what's all this about?

I don't know.

It's the last piece of the puzzle

after you worked out the combination.

I just wanted to stop you getting bored.

But Gareth obviously went off book.

Sorry. The scripts for these things are usually rubbish.

I thought my KGB story gave the game an extra moral dimension.

Usually the audiences love all that.

You threatened his family,

and you do know that he's recovering from a serious accident?

I thought he knew.

I thought he was just a good actor.

And I trained in Paris, so I should know.

Just get out, will you?

-I haven't been paid.

-Wait outside!

All this because you thought I was bored?

Aren't you? All this gardening and listening to music,

you're turning into Heston. No offence.

None taken.

That's why I don't tell you when Heston comes over.

This isn't you, Harry. You don't have to pretend.

I love my job. The pressure, the deadlines.

But then I had all that time in hospital to think about what's

important, and when I came out, I just didn't want it any more.

I enjoy having time for a hobby,

or spending the afternoon reading a book.

-I felt the same when I gave up surgery.

-Really?

Maybe it won't always be like this.

But for the time being, this is what I want.

I was so worried.

I thought I was losing you.

I'm still me.

This will be good for us.

Now I can be supportive of your career.

You've got nothing to worry about.

I better go and pay this idiot.

I better be going too.

Thanks, Heston. Sorry it all got a bit... involved.

Not a problem.

I do feel a bit foolish believing it all.

If you hadn't called Hen...

There's nothing to feel foolish about.

You were tested and you came through with flying colours.

Thank you, Heston.

I'll call you soon.

What a day.

Thanks for your help, Heston.

We'll see you soon, I hope.

I hope so, too.

Bye-bye, Henrietta.

And let me know when you're in something.

THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN

Don't be cheeky, comrade.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Um...

Sorry.

Did you want to lock up?

Oh, no, no, no, there is no rush. I was just checking on you.

I'm fine.

How did the house calls go earlier?

Good, yeah.

One of the house calls this afternoon was a bit...

Did something happen?

No, the patient's fine.

Our situation had certain similarities.

I see.

I told them to try and live a meaningful life.

-Well, that is good advice.

-Is it?

As a GP, you help so many people.

I think that is very meaningful, in my opinion.

Yeah, I suppose.

There is no suppose about it.

You're right. Sorry, I'm just tired.

There is no need to apologise, Dr Clay.

You know that my door is always open to you.

Mrs Tembe...

..a while ago you were talking about a course

for people who are asking the big question

at the church?

The vita course?

Is there one coming up?

I'm not sure.

I could look into it for you?

Yeah.

Yeah, OK.

Thank you.

The object of today is to look at everyday sexism in all its forms.

You need to stop smoking

because there's a good chance it will kill you.

Do you understand?

Yes, I understand, all right?

I understand.

He only glanced at Maria for a second.

That's all it takes for him to strip her naked in his mind's eye

and reduce her to an object.

You overestimate the speed of Daniel's brain.