The Letherbridge Witch Doctors

The first of three, I offer this sign

to spirits of sorrow in darkness divine.

Cast forth this hex and let malice reign.

This knot be a symbol of happiness slain.

I'm afraid vehicles aren't allowed in this area.

Oh, I just wanted to be close to the ley lines.

They cut right through here, you know.

Is that right?

Every Halloween, I camp near here.

Sorry, you can't camp on parkland.

Oh, I didn't realise.

Look, there's some woodland about 10 minutes in that direction.

It's not part of the park, so you should be OK there.

Great. Thanks.

Um...would you like a reading?

A what?

It might sound strange, but, well, I have a gift.

I can read people's futures.

Oh. Right.

Um...all the same, I'm fine.

Oh, come on, it's the least I can do, what with you being so kind.

I won't charge.

It's just I'm not really sure I believe in that sort of thing.

Most are charlatans, it's true,

but I come from a long line of white witches.

-Witches?

-We're just, um...people who have a sixth sense.

Honestly, I'm all right.

There's really nothing to worry about.

I'm just returning a favour.

Come closer.

-This is ridiculous!

-Something wrong?

I'm trying to find a robot outfit for Joe for tonight, but there's nothing.

Well, forgive me for saying, you are leaving this very late.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

So, why does he want to be a robot? That's just silly.

-Oh, I don't mean Joe's silly.

-No.

No, I mean we normally associate Halloween with witches, monsters,

werewolves, devils,

not forgetting demons, vampires, banshees.

Mummies, zombies, ghosts.

Anything to do with death, really.

Oh.

Now, throw the grass on the ground.

Quickly, without thinking.

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

You'll lead a long and happy life.

I-I-I don't believe you. What did you really see?

I've just told you. Look, I'd really better get going.

Just tell me!

Look, I'd really rather you be honest with me.

Unless you're one of those charlatans.

All right.

It's showing that...someone's trying to harm you.

A loved one.

But I-I don't really have any family.

Well, I just got married, but she wouldn't hurt me.

I'm so sorry.

You're in real danger.

It's predicting death.

Death?

I'm sorry, but you asked me to be honest.

HE EXHALES

It's ridiculous!

I'm aware of the fact that Tinky Winky's got an antenna coming out of his head,

but it doesn't make him a robot. No.

Yeah, I'm going to try somewhere else. Thank you.

Right, that's me out of here.

Well, enjoy your party.

Oh, thank you. See you tomorrow.

Dr Granger, have you thought about

making something for Joe in your lunch-hour?

It is surprising what can be done with papier-mache, cardboard.

No offence, but a costume made from cornflakes packets

and toilet rolls isn't going to impress Joe.

Well, perhaps you can tell me what other options you have.

Evil cow!

It's a bit higher than last time.

Maybe it's down to that woman in the park.

Yes. Perhaps you should ask her for medical advice(!)

I know it's silly, but she got me thinking.

You're not serious?

Ever since the wedding, I've started wondering

why Kate married someone like me.

Someone like you?

Come on, Heston, I'm not exactly George Clooney.

I mean, what have I got to offer, really?

Oh, don't be silly.

We argue all the time.

-That's normal.

-You reckon?

You should never have listened to that woman.

She said she was a white witch.

The sign on her van said, "pagansisters.com".

Right.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Yes?

-Can I help?

-I just want to see what you're up to.

Ooo! Look at all this!

-Ooo, that collar looks far too big for Joe.

-You think?

-Mm.

-Oh, can I use you as a guinea pig?

-No problem.

-Actually, I had an ex-boyfriend who said I looked like one.

-Oh.

Or was that a hamster? Could have been a gerbil.

OK, that's way too big.

-Ooo, I feel like a dog who's just got back from the vets.

-Huh!

I was just checking... MRS TEMBE GASPS

That was the helmet.

That took me ages to make!

I am so, so sorry!

Look, we, er...we have

a lot of nativity costumes at the church hall.

Perhaps Joe would like to go as a, er...a donkey.

-A donkey?

-Or perhaps something else.

Thank you, ladies. Please, just...

Yeah. Yeah. OK, thank you. Bye.

What do you think?

Yeah, good.

Good?! The Addams Family would be proud.

I was, er...I was just speaking with Gina.

And she thinks that we're...

Well, she's a bit concerned that we're making a big deal of Halloween

and it might be too much for Barney.

It's not going to be too much for him.

We haven't invited his mates or anything.

She's just being cautious.

Yeah, well, shouldn't we be?

We are, aren't we?

I...I just...I want to get it right.

Well, he's in a better place now than he was last week.

-Yep.

-It's a bit of fun. It'll take his mind off things.

Yeah, I suppose, yeah.

Come on, let's get cracking before we run out of time.

What time does Ayesha get here?

She also mentioned a longer placement

with another foster family

who've got more experience with kids like Barney.

Right.

Look, love, we knew that that might happen.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, but not quite so soon.

Come on.

THUNDERCLAP

OWL HOOTS

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

OWL HOOTS

I want to be a robot!

Yeah, I know. I know, darling, but they don't have any robot costumes.

So we're going to have a look and we're going to find something

that's even better. What do you think?

I want to be a robot!

I don't mind looking scary,

but don't make me look like a toothless old hag.

-AYESHA CHUCKLES

-By the time I'm finished with you,

-you are going to be the hottest witch in Letherbridge.

-Yay!

Oh, hey, Barney, this is Ayesha.

-Hiya.

-All right?

There's some masks somewhere here if you want to put one of those on.

-They were Immie's.

-No, thanks. Masks are for kids.

What about some make-up, then?

-Make-up's for girls.

-You reckon?

Take a look at some of these.

That's pretty cool.

Won't take me long. It's not difficult.

What, you can make me look like this?

Yeah, easy-peasy. Just got to finish Morticia here.

I found this stray dog in the garden.

HE HOWLS

Sounds like he's got rabies!

-All right, mate?

-What are you doing here?

Rob invited me.

Right. Well, no funny business, yeah?

-Remember what I said yesterday.

-No funny business.

And do us a favour, put your mask back on. Lot less scary(!)

KAREN LAUGHS

-Oh! What about a Dracula costume?

-No.

It'd be fun wearing the fangs, wouldn't it?

No. OK. Um...

Oh, no. Or a ghost outfit, like your favourite cartoon character!

No.

OK, I'll tell you what, you go over there and we'll have a competition

to see who can find the best outfit.

-Found it!

-What...?

The second of three, there is one fate.

Screams of fury, cries of hate.

Trapped forever in the final knot,

spiteful Kate, in pain, shall rot.

RATTLING

DOOR CLOSES

Martin? Where the hell are you?

KATE GOES DOWNSTAIRS

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mm-hm?

Hey. Are you going to be much longer, or what?

Ah, here we are.

Oh!

Do you think it's going to do any good, contacting this white witch?

Well, if I can get her to tell Martin it's nonsense,

maybe we'll get his blood pressure down.

I didn't realise it was so serious.

Dilated cardiomyopathy.

-Ah!

-What?

The name.

Something's going on.

PHONE RINGS

ANSWERPHONE: Please leave your message after the tone.

Martin, um...it's Dr Carter. We need to have a chat.

I'll pop by on my way home.

So, you think it's all right?

Yeah, of course.

It's important that he's allowed to express himself.

Yeah, I know. I just don't want him to be teased or bullied.

You can't let other people's prejudice stop you from doing things.

-Didn't you learn anything at the gender-awareness workshop?

-Hah(!)

So, what costume did Joe choose for you?

Er... There he is!

Look at you!

Don't you look amazing!

DANIEL CHUCKLES

Get out the way, you big lummox!

You do know I married Karen for her ladylike qualities, don't you(?)

-KAREN CHUCKLES

-Right, come on!

OK, here we go.

A drumroll, please.

-Go on, Karen!

-Hey-hey!

Hey! Ha-ha! I didn't even touch the water!

Of course you didn't, you've got the biggest gob in Letherbridge.

-I didn't know there was going to be games.

-Always.

Barney, would you like a go?

-Er...

-I'll go.

Do you want a towel?

Huh! Please! Towels are for amateurs.

KAREN LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH

-You look like a drowned rat!

-Ho-ho-ho-ho!

-You are so dead!

-I haven't even started.

Ooo! Bull's-eye! Bull's-eye!

-Did you think that was funny?

-I thought that was very...

No, give over! No! Stop it! Oi!

-Ow!

-No, no, bun fights! Oi!

No, wait, Karen! No!

KAREN! Stop it!

-No! Ow!

-Leave me...!

Come on, Daddy!

Creeping out without saying goodb...?

ZARA STIFLES A LAUGH

I, um...I didn't want to ruin your paperwork.

Nice legs(!)

A bit sexist, isn't it?

Sorry.

But you do carry it off well.

It was his idea. I just thought I'd better...

I'd better support him, you know.

I totally agree. Huh!

-Have fun!

-OK.

-Excuse me.

-How the hell did you get in here?!

Sorry, but you left the door on the latch.

I tried to catch up with you when I saw you leaving the park, but...

You just thought you'd let yourself in?!

I need to speak to you urgently.

Don't you think you've said enough?!

I'm really sorry if I scared you earlier. It really wasn't my intention, but...

I had another look at the pattern of the grass you threw down and I couldn't believe it.

Usually, my premonitions are quite vague,

but yours was so clear, it was so precise.

Look, I-I really don't want to hear any more.

I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try and make you understand how serious it is.

Please, stop it!

I think...deep down...you know I'm telling the truth.

Have there been any signs, any clues?

Has something happened?

Please...don't ignore it.

-There was no doubt in what I saw.

-That's enough.

You have got to get away from her.

-Just get out.

-You need to leave!

Get out!

You are such a lightweight.

You've won the battle...

Yeah, yeah.

Has anyone seen Barney?

I think he's outside, watching the fireworks.

Oh, is he?

I can't find my deodorant and hairspray.

Are they aerosols?

-Yeah.

-We need to find him, quickly!

Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to ring you.

Battery's dead.

Really?

So, what's so important?

Not like you're planning anything.

-So, where were you?

-Why do you want to know?

If you have nothing to hide, you'd just tell me.

Don't try and make this about me.

-Stop playing games.

-BELL RINGS

You must think I am so stupid!

Yeah, and what do you think of me?

Right now, if I'm honest,

I cannot stand the sight of you!

BELL RINGS

Knew it!

-MARTIN GROANS

-Heston, come in.

Is Martin...? Martin!

OK, OK, OK.

Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it easy.

"Suspicion comes knocking at the door,

"the happy couple together no more."

Barney, where are you?

I'll check the garden.

Barney!

Guys, he's up here!

Barney, it's Ayesha.

Can you hear me?

Is he breathing?

Yeah. Help me get him into the recovery position.

I knew it!

Rob, get an ambulance!

This is my fault.

Barney, if you can hear me, open your eyes.

Barney, it's Tyler.

Come on, mate, you can do this.

Open your eyes.

That's it.

That's it.

Good lad.

Look, everything's going to be all right, mate. You're in good hands.

Ayesha's going to look after you.

Still no pulse.

SHE SOBS

How are you feeling now, mate?

-OK.

-You don't need to be sick or anything?

No.

HE SIGHS

Still no sign of the ambulance.

Well, I think he's going to be OK. He wasn't out for too long.

Does he need to go to hospital?

-Yeah, just to be on the safe side.

-OK.

Hey, you scared us half to death, mate.

Yeah.

OK, yeah. Bye.

Gina thinks that Barney

needs more serious intervention.

Are they blaming us?

No. No, no.

It's not going to jeopardise any future fostering.

Right.

So, we're going to meet them at the hospital and...

they're going to take him to his next placement.

Tonight?

I'm just going to go pack his bag.

Oh, it can't have been that bad.

I had teenagers laughing at me

and calling me names

the whole way round.

Some of them even threw sweets at me.

Was Joe all right?

Yeah, he was fine.

It was all part of the fun, as far as he was concerned.

Well, good.

You know, not many fathers would have done what you did.

No, I suppose not.

I'm really impressed.

Yeah?

Well...

it's one of those.

But next time,

get yourself some bigger tights

because those really leave

very little to the imagination.

I'm just expressing myself.

Didn't you learn anything from the gender awareness workshop?

SHE LAUGHS

Excuse me.

I saw you when Martin was carried to the ambulance.

Is he all right?

Well, it's...

too soon to say.

His heart stopped for a while.

Are you a friend of Martin's?

No, not exactly.

May I ask why you're here?

Are you Kate's sister?

How do you know that?

I saw the website.

You've got the same...surname.

I'm Martin's doctor.

I know what you told him.

Look, you don't understand.

I didn't mean to hurt him.

I was just trying to get at...

What are you talking about?

A few years ago,

she stole my husband

and then dumped him,

and I just wanted to...

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

You could have killed him!

Look what you've done to Kate.

Look at her.

We're just going to be in here. We'll be waiting.

Come on, love.

Sit down.

I'm sure he's going to be fine.

I wish we'd never had that flippin' party.

Karen...

he had problems long before he came to you.

It's not your fault.

He's right.

There's no need for you two to stay.

You should get off.

Yeah.

I'll call you in the morning, Karen,

-see how he's doing.

-Thanks for everything.

-See you, guys.

-Bye.

Listen, I just wanted to say,

I thought you were brilliant with Barney.

The way you looked after him, kept up his spirits...

He's a good kid...

but the reason he's OK is cos of you.

You took control. I'm well impressed.

I'm sorry.

It was all lies.

I don't think this is the right time.

I should have guessed.

You know her?

She's my sister.

You said she was dead.

She is...to me.

But you had to come back, didn't you?

I think you should leave.

No, I want to hear what she has to say...

-We need to be quiet...

-I will.

-..for Martin.

Kate, I'm so sorry.

I thought I wanted to hurt you,

but I don't. Not any more.

You're my sister.

I'm supposed to look after you...

like I used to.

-Can you forgive me?

-SHE SCOFFS

Just like that?

Look, I know what I did was wrong.

It just got out of hand and...

Can we just put an end to all of this?

Maybe.

What was it that Dad used to say?

Kate...

"Actions have consequences."

-Kate, don't do this.

-Be quiet.

Look, I just...

Shut up! (Sorry.)

I'm going to make your life a misery, Amy.

Wherever you go,

I'm going to find you.

In that case...

..I'll be waiting.

I was really worried about you.

We both were.

No big deal.

Doctor says I'll be fine.

Look, I'm sorry if I caused you any grief.

Oh, no.

Don't be silly.

It's me who should be sorry.

Making such a big deal of Halloween.

No way.

It was the best one ever.

Ended on a real high(!)

Oi!

We've really enjoyed having you around, Barney.

I wish that you didn't have to go.

Just how it is.

I knew I wasn't going to be here for long.

Never am.

Come here, you.

Look after yourself.

Yes, and good luck with your new foster family.

And make sure you show them how to make a proper cup of tea.

And I'm sure they'll be lovely.

-Ready?

-OK, bye-bye.

-Bye, Barney.

-Take care, son.

SHE SOBS

-Are you going to be all right, love?

-No.

Maybe I was a bit too tough on him.

Don't be soft.

Do you think...

that we did ANY good?

Do you think we helped in any way?

Yeah.

I hope so.

I don't know. I don't know.

We gave the kid a safe place to stay.

I don't think it's enough.

Is it going to be like this every time?

I'm probably not going to make it up here again.

"Digging the shapely ankles, bro."

You have friends who call you "bro"?

You know how we always said, if things got bad...

how we didn't want to get like that?

That's a long way off.

It's no longer a hypothetical conversation.

I'm doing the Vita course.

You're doing the Vita course?!