Something Whiskered This Way Comes Doctors

HOOVERING

-Heston. How was Tuscany?

-Oh, sunshine,

fine wine, a riveting history of the Napoleonic wars. Bliss!

And now, a welcoming committee!

Yeah, did you get my e-mail about the repairs?

As long as I can get to and from my consultation room.

-So, tell me, how is Valerie's foot?

-Broken.

-Oh, dear.

-So, are you ready to do battle with the builders?

-Yeah.

There's no need for any conflict, though, is there?

That's never been my experience.

-That's cos you've never had one of these.

-A clipboard?

No, that is a comprehensive spreadsheet of everything the

contractors need to know.

Napoleon would be impressed with your fore planning!

-It's working, though. Five minutes early.

-Oh.

-You have a tick box for that?

-Mm.

-Dr Clay?

-Hi.

-Denny Cheeseman.

-Bulletpoint 3 of your instructions?

Park round the back.

-But there's plenty of room here.

-I don't want the patients finding out.

Of course. Sorry. I'll be like one of our hairy chums.

You won't know I'm here.

Tantric pest control?

Yeah, um, he uses humane traps to capture the animals and then

he releases them into the wild.

Well, as long as he rids us of our unwelcome guests.

I wouldn't want this to go down as Jimmi Clay's Waterloo.

Oh, you really did enjoy that book, didn't you?

Oh, hello. What happened to you this morning?

I was looking forward to a catch up over breakfast but you'd already gone.

-I had to drop the car off for a new tyre. Coffee?

-Oh, please.

-Good weekend?

-So-so.

-You?

-Yeah. It was nice to be away. Although it was a bit of a shock

-coming back to such a quiet house.

-Sid will be back soon.

-What about Karl? I saw his stuff had gone.

-How should I know?

I'm only his sister.

I see.

Come on, then. What's happened?

-We had a bit of a bust up.

-About?

-This CFS business.

How he's letting everyone down. His family, the army, himself.

-Aren't you even in the least bit curious as to where he might be?

-No. He'll have gone to Debs.

-Probably spent the whole weekend slagging me off.

-Come on, Ayesha.

I'm sure he appreciates everything you've done for him.

At least you don't have to put up with another one of my sponging relatives.

Oh, don't be silly. Karl was no trouble.

It's the little things that get to you,

like showering with a bin liner over your foot.

And that is as easy as it sounds(!)

Suddenly, pulling on your knickers becomes an Olympic sport.

But what I will say is being incapacitated really does

reveal who your real friends are.

Any time!

Yeah, no, but look who was first to volunteer.

And after all the trouble I've been.

You know, you having to check all my work and now, breaking my foot.

Yeah, well, it's not like you did it on purpose.

It's probably best if you park round the back and use those doors.

-Cheers, mate.

-I wasn't expecting to see you today.

-Oh, I was hoping to make up for, you know...

-Destroying the surgery?

Hey, she's come in to work with a broken foot!

Can I just apologise again for my moment of madness?

-Listen, ceilings can be replaced. You can't.

-Aw. Thanks, Dr Clay.

-If there's anything you need, just...

-No, I'm on it.

-Um, tea?

-Why not?

-Okey-doke.

So, last 50 miles. Are you glad to be back?

-Well, all good things must come to an end.

-But you've had fun?

-I have never felt so liberated.

-Then why does it have to stop?

Because we both have responsibilities to get back to.

Or we could turn around, fire up the beast,

and go wherever the road takes us.

-I have always wanted to tour around Scotland.

-Then why stop there?

What about Europe? Australia!

-Now, that would be an adventure!

-TEXT ALERT

Let me guess. Karen.

She wants to know what time we will be getting back.

You'd think she was your mother, the way she keeps checking up on you.

There is no true freedom now that we are connected all the time.

But I will not forget what I have learned on this trip.

Biking gives you clarity.

Lets you focus on what's really important.

The joy of the open road.

Being spontaneous.

Like this.

SHE GIGGLES

HE LAUGHS

It was bigger than a Chihuahua.

Was it bigger than a Yorkipoo?

Smaller. But not by much.

Are you sure it wasn't a stray cat?

No, definitely not. Not with those beady eyes and that scaly tail.

-Rats are normally nocturnal.

-Well, this one was very bold.

Walked with a swagger.

Swaggering rats are the worst!

This is very useful intel.

Well, I do pride myself on my powers of observation. Good luck.

-It'll be a mouse, I bet you.

-You know?

There are these tales of a giant albino rat who stalks the

sewers in New York City.

It got massive on the protein-rich detritus of the metropolis,

or it's the subject of a horrible experiment gone wrong.

No-one really knows.

But this rat, they call it Ratzilla, and it hangs around near the

subways, just waiting on vulnerable people they can pounce on.

Can pounce on!

Then of course, there's the famous Rattenkonig, or Rat King.

-Come on, then. What's a rat king?

-No, I don't think I want to know.

You do want to know. A rat king is when a whole mass of rats get their tails entwined,

it becomes one big organism of scratching and clawing and

teeth and horrible rattiness!

I'm going to need a bigger cage.

That's classic. He's going to need a bigger cage. Like Jaws.

Or should that be Claws?

Here you go.

Oh, it's like having your own personal assistant.

-Oh, you'd do the same for me.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello. Mill Health Centre. Ooh!

How can I help you?

-Mrs Tembe.

-Sergeant Hollins. Has there been a burglary?

No, not as far as I know.

Oh. Well, that would not have been a very good homecoming.

-So, why are you here?

-I need to have a word with JJ.

About what exactly?

Well, that's between me and Mr Kenwright.

-Not while you are standing on my drive.

-It's OK.

It is not OK to return and find the police waiting in ambush!

-It's OK, Sergeant.

-Well, if you don't mind coming down the station,

-I'd like to ask you a few questions about a robbery.

-A robbery?

As you can see, we have just returned.

This happened before you went away.

-And you think that JJ's involved?

-It's all right.

-What?

-It's a stupid mistake.

-Of course, but...

I'll be back before you've had time to unpack.

Ooh, not going, are you?

Um, well, Rob's going away for the weekend and I promised that I

would get him a yellow tailed pike bunny.

-Are you sure that's something you want to share?

-It's a fishing fly.

Ah, gotcha.

-And I thought I'd also pop in on Mrs Tembe.

-Ah, right.

-Get first dibs on her holiday snaps.

-Something like that.

Anyway, don't worry. I'm not going to abandon you.

-Ruhma here said she would take up the baton.

-Oh, yeah.

I'm happy to help.

-Oh, everyone's been so kind.

-I will be back to give you a lift home.

I hope you find Rob's flies.

-So, anyway, would you like a cup of tea or some coffee?

-Oh, no, thanks.

Karen's been a tea-making machine.

I didn't like to say no, what with her being so thoughtful.

Um, thing is, now I am rather desperate for the loo.

-Well, I can cover for you.

-No, I need you to help me get in

and out because crutches and doors don't mix.

-OK, no problem.

-Lifesaver.

-Mm.

Excuse me. Contact lenses. Always losing them.

Denny.

DRILLING AND BANGING

What happened to "you won't even know I'm here"?

Rats have bad eyesight, so they use established routes along skirting boards and walls.

-I'm looking for the grease marks they leave behind.

-I'm not sure I want to know that.

But there's good news. Judging by the sparse amounts of spoor,

-you probably only have one rat in residence.

-Spoor?

-Rat droppings.

-Do I need to close the surgery?

-I wouldn't. I'll catch it in no time.

If there's only one rat, how come you haven't caught it yet?

I'm struggling to find its lair. I'll have to search every room.

-We've got a full list of patients.

-I can come back another time.

No, no, no. OK, it has to be done today.

Um, I want to work out a schedule where we can fit you in to each consulting room between patients.

Works for me. Have faith.

Destiny sent me to you for a reason, Dr Clay.

DRILLING AND BANGING

Debs, sorry to disturb you at work.

It's just, when you see Karl, can you get him to call me, please?

What do you mean? Hasn't he been staying with you?

He must be at Tommo's, then.

No, I'm sure he's fine.

Yeah. OK. See you.

-So, how was it?

-It was very good, thank you.

-Really?

Why would you think otherwise?

Well, I've seen happier holidaymakers.

Well, maybe because I had an unpleasant surprise on our return.

The police.

What did they want?

-And you knew nothing about it?

-No, I... I...

So it is purely coincidence that you asked me what time I would

return and I find Sergeant Hollins on my doorstep?

-I was worried about you.

-I was on my holiday.

Yeah, but who with? I mean...

Someone who has shown me nothing but kindness.

He didn't show his victims that much kindness.

JJ was a different man then!

-He's a thief.

-Why do you keep on bringing up the past?

Because a leopard doesn't change his spots.

Are you seriously quoting the Bible to ME?

And what about the sinner who repents?

Can you honestly say that you trust him?

Totally.

At least he has never sneaked or plotted behind my back.

Sorry. I didn't want you to get hurt.

Well, thank you for your unnatural interest in my private life,

but you can stop now.

-I...

-No!

No, Mrs Hollins.

It is time for you to leave.

SHE CHUCKLES

Don't tell me. Tom Hiddleston's sexting you again.

Oh, I wish. No, it's just more pictures of the perfect Caribbean.

Oh, it's all right for some.

-Is that a snorkel?

-I think it's a snorkel.

I don't know why Zara's sending me her happy snaps.

-What's the matter with you?

-BUMPING AND BANGING

It's Karl. He still hasn't bothered phoning.

Oh, and he's not taking your calls?

-After everything I've done for him.

-Hm.

-Do you think that maybe you're being a bit, um...?

-What?

-Being a little hard on him?

-It's called tough love.

Hm.

Maybe he's only hearing the tough bit.

Yeah, well, I don't want him slipping back, that's all.

-Once a teenage stoner...

-I know, but...

Excuse me. This is the ladies.

-Oh, rats are intelligent, but they can't read.

-Is that talc?

Just a little rat catcher's trick. See, he walks through here and leaves a trail,

-which will hopefully lead back to his lair.

-Yes, and then a patient will slip on it,

-which is a health and safety nightmare.

-So is having a rat.

-Do you think it's been in here?

-Undoubtedly.

Oh, so they can open doors?

It doesn't need to. See, the rat's got an amazing anatomy.

Its bones are so flexible, it can squeeze through the tightest space.

-What sort of space?

-A toilet U bend.

-You mean...?

-I could be sitting on there and...

-Yes!

A rattus norvegicus can pop up in the most unexpected places.

To think I used to come in here for a quiet five minutes.

JJ, have they...?

Sergeant Hollins. Where is JJ?

Well...have you charged him?

Well, if you cannot say, why are you phoning me?

So you want to drag me to the police station, too?

Right.

Right, I will be waiting for you.

-You idiot!

-Say hello to my little friend.

I have nicknamed him Ratty McSockface.

-Did that come off your foot?

-Um, oh, yes!

Gross.

-He's bought you a present and you're going to need them.

-Why?

Rats love dark passageways.

None more so than a trouser leg.

-Project Fear might work on Valerie. I'm not so gullible.

-Right, fine.

But when you get nibbled on your nether region,

don't say you weren't warned.

All I'm saying is, wouldn't it have

been more convenient to have done this at the weekend?

-Do you know how much more that would have cost?

-Just as I thought.

DRILLING AND BANGING

It's a chocolate chip.

But it is evidence of a rat's paradise you've created with

-all this food lying around.

-Well, we try to keep it clean.

Well, one chocolate chip is hardly a rodent's smorgasbord.

What about the crumbs I found under the fridge?

I'd say it was Formaggio di Fossa cheese.

You should store food in sealed containers.

-You might only have one rat to deal with at the moment, but if it breeds...

-Excuse me.

How can you be a pest controller when Buddhists believe that

no sentient being should be killed?

My preferred solution is to encourage the clients to live

-in harmony with the rat.

-Right, and how's that working out?

Leptospirosis, Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome.

The Black Death.

Everyone blames the rats. In this case, I've gone for humane trapping.

Never fear. Denny Cheeseman's on the job and no-one knows more about our whiskered friends.

OK, so maybe it wasn't the best idea, but I could hardly have

the death of a small animal

-on my conscience, could I?

-You're a coward.

SAWING

I always fancied crossing America on a Harley.

But, of course, I wouldn't be able to take Karen.

She wouldn't be able to ride pillion for more than five minutes.

Yes, well, anyway, Mrs Tembe, if you don't mind, I need to ask you

-about your whereabouts on April the 4th, just gone.

-I've no idea.

-I would have to check my diary.

-Yeah, that'd be good.

April the 4th.

I was at the Icon bar with JJ.

Can anyone verify that?

I was joined by several colleagues from the Mill,

including Mrs Hollins.

Good.

What about after that? Do you know where JJ was at about 11:30pm?

Yes.

And where would that be?

He was here with me.

Until when?

All night.

Right.

Good.

That's all I need to know.

Good. I'll... Yeah, thank you, Mrs Tembe.

I don't know what it was they gave me.

But after that first injection, I did not feel a thing.

Wonderful stuff!

-Where do you want to go?

-Anywhere. I don't mind.

Oh, and then this lovely porter took me down to the X-ray.

Jamaican chap. Sang all the way.

Something by Adele, but in a reggae fashion.

And then the X-ray technician told me that I had got lovely bones.

-So, here we are.

-Oh, actually, the table might be better. Do you mind?

Of course not.

Ooh, here we go.

Ah, lovely, thanks.

There we go. Right, so, you've got some water, some salt, pepper.

-Oh, this looks yummy.

-Good.

-Just one thing missing.

Grated cheese. There should be some in the fridge.

And a wet wipe. I've got some in my handbag.

Thanks, Ruhma.

It's not that they don't like you.

Nobody has any bad feelings for you.

What's he doing?

Meta meditation.

But there are plenty of places outside where you can live

a happy life.

What for?

Why don't you think about it?

-Jimmi!

-Um, yeah, he's spreading love and kindness thoughts to the rat.

OK...

Dr Clay.

-Meditation?!

-I thought it was worth a go.

-Has it worked before?

-Of course.

-Whenever I'm stressed, I always find...

-No, no.

With getting rid of rats.

There's always a first time.

Right. Um, so, how come you could fit us in at short notice?

-I'm always happy to help another believer.

-Right.

And how much business do you actually get?

OK, it's been quiet.

Not everyone understands the importance of following my

Buddhist principles. That's why I'm pulling out all the stops here.

-One good reference and the work should fly in.

-Right, well,

you catch the rat and I'll give you your reference.

Have a lovely holiday. I want to hear all about it when you get back.

-OK.

-See you. Bye.

-See you. MOBILE RINGS

Tommo? Have you seen him?

OK. Well, if he's not crashing at yours, then...

Have you got their numbers?

Radiation hardly touches them. A half-mile swim? No problem.

-And then, of course, there's Hector.

-First French rat in space.

People go on about Yuri Gagarin, Neil Armstrong,

but they forget about the animal pioneers who led the way.

-Yes, they do. Isn't your room cleared, though?

-To the Rat King.

I've only got two places left to search. The ceiling and your room.

Right, well, it must be in the ceiling cos I'd know if I was

sharing a room with a rodent, wouldn't I?

-You all right, Ayesha?

-I felt something biting my ankles.

I thought it was Al mucking about with Ratty McSockface and

-then it squeaked.

-I'll put a humane trap in your room.

-No.

-But if it's still in there, it could get...

-It's too late for kid gloves now.

You can't mean what I think you mean.

-Time for a conventional rat catcher.

-What about the First Precept?

I thought you were meant to be a Buddhist.

Have you seen the time?! It's 20 to five!

You haven't even spotted the rat yet!

I'll give you some numbers for companies who will do what you ask.

DRILLING AND BANGING

I was just about to go to the police station and give them

a piece of my mind! I've spared them that, at least.

-So, is it over?

-They didn't arrest me.

So, why did they keep you so long?

They're experts at asking the same questions ten different ways.

-I'm starving. Biryani or chow mein?

-These robberies...

-I'm tempted by the crispy duck.

-Was there violence involved?

No idea. Come on. Just forget about it. I have.

-No. No, I cannot forget about it!

-Winifred!

I really don't want to talk about it. Can you just leave it alone?

-DRILLING AND BANGING

-No, no. Friday's no good. It has to be tomorrow.

OK. OK, WELL, THANKS...

-DRILLING STOPS

-Thanks anyway.

RUSTLING

-Hey!

-SQUEAKING

MORE SQUEAKING

-DRILLING

-Some help?

Guys?

SQUEAKING AND DRILLING CONTINUE

Guys?

Jalfrezi smells good.

-Do you want to share my naan?

-Er, no.

No, I am not that hungry.

More for me.

So, why would the police think this had anything to do with you?

-More rice?

-Er, no. No. They must have their reasons.

They're fishing. Trying to make it look like they're doing something.

Who are you going to believe? Me or some jobsworth coppers?

-Well, you, of course.

-So, can we just drop this now?

We've had a great holiday. Don't let them ruin it, eh?

-If I just know what this was all about...

-OK.

Can I just finish my curry first? Please?

I hear what you're saying.

Ayesha is certainly striking, but up to now,

she has tended to date within her own species.

Sorry. I could put a word in if you like.

Oh, you'd like that?

Help!

Help!

Help!

Help!

DRILLING

No, I've tried Tommo. That's how I got your number.

Is there anywhere else he could be crashing?

OK.

Ta.

So, what do you fancy for dinner? I was thinking ratatouille.

With extra pest-o?

-Followed by mice pudding?

-OK, that's enough.

People! Jimmi's room, code green.

Oh...

Oh, is something wrong with your chair?

-About time.

-Is that the..

-SQUEAKING

-If one of you changes places with me, I can grab a box or something.

-You want me to sit on a rat?!

-Are you mad?!

-Two minutes.

-This is karma for sacking poor Denny.

You wanted the rat dead, Jimmi. Well, now's your chance.

-Head lice is one thing. This is...

-Jimmi.

-I am not going to whack your rat for you.

-Not after the last time!

Mate... Oh! See, I knew you wouldn't leave me hanging.

Oh, dear me.

Look, keep him prisoner, or execute him. The choice is yours.

-Just get on with it.

-No, Al, just wait!

SQUEAK Oh!

There's a gang that have been targeting cash machines.

Yes, I have seen on the TV.

Yeah, they blow up the machines to get the money.

How could they think that you'd be involved in something like that?

I was a bad boy, Winifred. You know that.

But that was different. You were never violent.

-It was a long time ago.

-I know. I've got a record.

That's reason enough for them.

And they are bothering you, instead of looking for the real criminals.

I'm sorry you've been dragged into this.

The last thing I wanted was for you to get involved.

We are together. Of course I am involved.

No.

No, I can't put you through this. I'm going to get my things and go.

-It's kinder that way.

-Don't be ridiculous!

The cops will never leave me alone. They'll be knocking at the doors at all hours.

-We'll never have a minute's peace.

-Then it is a good job you have me here to protect you.

Do not worry. I can handle Sergeant Hollins.

What a wonderful woman you are.

Come here.

-SHE RINGS BELL

-What is all this noise?

It's not a crime to breastfeed an older child.

How old are we talking here? 12? 14?

There's no way she's going to see that Neanderthal.

-Dr Haskey's not a Neanderthal.

-It's all right.

-No, it's not all right.

That woman is being bullied by other mums for breastfeeding and

your biased bedside manner, that's just compounded the problem.

Has anyone seen my bell?