Three's a Throuple Doctors

SIREN WAILS

DANIEL!

-Where are they?

-I don't know!

-Go back inside!

-No!

-They could come back.

-I'm not leaving you!

Daniel, stay with me! Stay with me!

We need to keep pressure on this wound!

And you need to radio the damn ambulance!

He has been stabbed, he's bleeding out, he has a slow pulse!

Daniel, stay with me! Stay with me!

FAINT POLICE RADIO ZARA SOBS: Daniel!

Why do I always have to clean up after you?

Because you love it.

This isn't funny, Ken.

Have you looked at yourself?

If you want this relationship to work, you are going to have to grow up.

-Another contraction?

-They're not contractions.

They're, er...five-and-a-half minutes apart now.

You actually bought a clipboard for this?

-It's just backache.

-We should call the midwife.

Martin, chill.

-It could be the real thing.

-Or it could be nothing.

Will you give it a rest, both of you?

ZARA HYPERVENTILATES

Joe, darling! What are you doing here?

What happened to Daddy?

Daddy's hurt.

He fell down and he banged his tummy.

-Is he going to die?

-No!

The other man died.

-What other man?!

-At the tent shop.

Daddy is not going to die.

He's not going to die!

Everything is going to be all right.

Everything is going to be fine.

I promise!

Kirsty's on a home visit, so you're going to have to put up with me until then.

Hello. Hi.

What's going on?

Ah, sorry. Er...I'm Ruhma.

Martin was saying that your contractions are about five minutes apart now?

-No, I'm not having contractions.

-No?

When I said to call the midwife,

I said call and speak to her, not tell her to come over.

But you had to interfere, as ever.

-I'm looking after her, Ken.

-You're stressing her out.

OK, sorry, um...which one of you is the father?

-He is.

-He is.

-Why does it matter?

Why can't you both be the father?

Legally and genetically, only one of us can be.

Legally and genetically!

OK, sorry, I'm just, er...I'm a bit confused here.

Why do you have to make a big deal of everything?

Look, I'm really sorry, you've had a bit of a wasted trip.

Oh. Er...maybe not so wasted after all.

This group is our safe place.

What's said in this room stays in this room.

Hopefully we can use the trust we've built up

to really dig into the things that matter to us.

How long have you been doing this?

Oh, I started the group a couple of years ago.

My wife went off with my best friend and...

..my world fell apart.

There was no-one.

Not even your own GP?

Men don't do that, do we?

Nah, we struggle through.

I wasn't dying. I didn't have cancer.

What right did I have to complain?

Nah. It took me a while to get it, but

the size of a problem isn't what people think it should be.

It's what it does to you inside.

So, um...you said that they were both the dads?

Mm-hm. Yeah. No, we're a throuple.

Rhymes with couple.

Yeah, I see. Yeah.

Martin and Ken are twins.

Right.

So...

..do you, um...do you all, you know,

do you...all...you know...?

-Sleep together?

-Yeah.

-Have sex?

-Uh-huh.

-Yes.

-Ah.

But they're twins? They're twin brothers?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Not identical, obviously.

No. No, no, because they are quite different.

Yeah, totally different.

-That's what I love about them so much.

-Ah.

So this is the first baby that I am going to deliver to a throuple.

Ooh! THEY CHUCKLE

-Martin and Ken don't have sex with each other.

-That's good.

-No, because that would be incest.

-Yeah. Mm-hm.

Hm!

WHISPERS: He's only just gone to sleep.

Thank you for coming.

ZARA SOBS QUIETLY

-How is he?

-He's in theatre.

-Where's the wound?

-Lower abdomen.

-Any organ damage?

-I don't know.

-How's Joe?

-Not good.

He saw me with Daniel.

And then when I came back to get him,

I was covered in Daniel's blood.

-Oh, Zara!

-And now he just won't...

He just won't let me leave him, so...

Look, do you want me to go and see if I can find out what's happening?

-Yeah. Could you?

-Yes, of course.

-Be back in a minute.

-Mm.

Er...what are these?

Scented candles.

The lavender soothes and the sage relieves stress.

They're a fire hazard!

Mr Health and Safety to the rescue!

Well, someone's got to be practical.

Which is going to be great for the baby.

Kids need routine, organisation,

-all the stuff that you're good at.

-And you're not.

You just need to lighten up sometimes. Kids need fun, too.

I'm trying to loosen up.

Really?

And you've not even noticed! This is exactly why I should leave!

Just because I occasionally have a go at you?

The last thing the baby needs is an anally-retentive control freak

telling them what to do all the time.

You can't leave Jess.

I don't want to.

I love her.

And you.

Then stay.

I'll still be around, in the background.

I'm in the way here.

If anyone needs to back off, it's me.

The baby needs her real father.

Don't do this. You don't need to spare my feelings.

Oh, I'm not.

I've told you, the baby isn't mine.

Oh!

Thanks, Mick. I know that wasn't easy for you.

Who wants to go next? Tony?

No.

How about one of the newcomers?

-Rob?

-Hm.

Take your time.

I thought I was ready to do this, but... But maybe not.

Why don't I go first?

-He seems quite settled.

-OK. Sit down.

So?

He's still bleeding.

Still?!

The skin, the muscle is badly torn.

-He's hypovolemic.

-He's not going to make it!

No! I didn't say that!

-You didn't have to!

-Zara, they got to him very quickly.

I am sure that Daniel is going to survive this.

Are you?

-It's all actually happening, isn't it?

-Uh-huh.

God, I still don't know what I'm going to do!

About what?

I still haven't decided whether I'm going to tell them who the father is or not.

You know?

I love them to bits,

but when it comes to talking about feelings, they're hopeless.

Yeah, my partner is exactly the same.

Except there's only one of him.

I mean, I did think about not telling them, but...

SHE WINCES Ah!

-Contraction?

-Ooh!

-OK.

Ah! Yes!

Ah! I hate lying!

Sometimes it helps to move around. OK?

I can't keep a secret to save myself!

Ooh!

See, they're great with other people's kids.

I just know they'd make excellent dads.

-This is my fault.

-Rubbish!

If I hadn't suggested that stupid role-play...!

Yeah, that's what we were doing in the club in the first place

-and, as usual, I went too far.

-Zara!

And if I hadn't, it wouldn't have gone wrong, I wouldn't have stormed off

and I wouldn't have gone out of that door!

-Stop.

-Which was a fire escape, so, what was I thinking?!

-You're blowing everything out of proportion, Zara.

-And why did I agree to testify?

As if, what, I could solve everything?

And now Daniel is dying!

-You don't know that!

-I'm a doctor, I know what his chances are.

And as a doctor, you also know never to jump to conclusions.

I should have taken Joe as far away as I could when I had the chance.

This isn't helping.

Somewhere where we could make a fresh start, where nobody knows us.

What are you doing here?

Emma, tell him to get lost.

I do need to speak to her.

This isn't the time, or the place.

Only for a couple of minutes.

No.

One degree isn't going to make any difference.

Actually, it's critical.

Didn't you even read that booklet that Kirsten gave us?

-HE SIGHS

-I didn't think so.

Look, I know you think Jess isn't safe with me.

Can we concentrate on the temperature, please?

You're right. I'm bad for her.

-No.

-I'm bad for the both of you.

You just need to try a little harder.

-What if I can't?

-You can, and you will.

-The baby needs a proper family.

-Proper?

-HE LAUGHS

-Doesn't want to get beaten up because their parents aren't normal.

You were beaten up because you were a nerd,

not because we were adopted.

-Still made me feel like a freak, though.

-You are a freak.

I don't know why you let those kids bait you. They were idiots.

The world's full of idiots.

No point asking for trouble.

-Sorry, did...?

-Or you could just ignore the idiots and do your own thing.

If you feel that way, then why did you say you should be the one to leave?

Because I can't give her what she needs.

-Er...did Kirsten leave a birthing pack?

-Yeah.

It's in the cupboard under the sink. I'll show you.

HE SIGHS

And after all that, I didn't think I'd ever find a partner.

-I know the feeling.

-But now I'm happily married.

See, Ali, there's hope for us yet. Hm!

But seriously, though, that's the great thing about this group.

I mean, sometimes you get so swamped by your problems, you can't see a way out.

And then someone like Heston here opens up and you think,

"Hey, that could be me!

"Maybe there is a way out.

"I don't have to give up."

-It's... It's not all plain sailing.

-No, it never is.

-We do have issues.

-Who doesn't?

What kind of issues?

Mainly about money.

Do you want to talk about it?

Um... Well, I bailed her teenage son out and I didn't tell her.

-There are worse crimes.

-She wouldn't like it and I hate lying to her.

-If you didn't say anything, you didn't lie.

-It makes me feel uncomfortable.

-So tell her!

-It's easier said than done.

-Longer you leave it, the harder it gets.

I see this a lot at work, people keeping secrets from each other.

Rob? I'm going to stop you there.

We aren't here to provide solutions.

-But he is right.

-We're here to listen.

Sometimes there are no solutions.

-Yeah. Yeah. Sorry.

-That's OK.

Go on.

No, that's fine. I'm done.

Right. Thank you.

Anyone else? Rob?

Are you excited about being a dad?

I'm not the father. I'm the uncle.

Oh. Does Jess know that?

Well, she should.

Mind you, she is hopeless with dates.

Huh! Have you talked to her?

I can't.

Why not?

Not an easy thing to talk about.

What isn't?

If I tell you something, will you promise not to repeat it?

-Scout's honour.

-Huh!

In January, I started this new job.

It was very stressful. Lots of responsibility.

And for a few weeks, when Jess and I were together, I couldn't...

-You know, I-I couldn't...

-Yeah. Got it.

I mean, it's absolutely fine now, it was just for a few weeks,

but it just means the baby isn't mine.

And does your brother know?

It's not the sort of thing you can talk about with your brother.

Besides, it doesn't matter now.

-Why doesn't it matter?

-I just want them to be happy, you know?

Without you?

If that's what it takes...yeah.

Er...there'd been an RTC.

That's a road traffic collision. And, er...

a tractor that had a huge,

metal, hydraulic plough on the back

had parked on a blind bend.

And this man and woman in a car crashed into the back of it

and trapped her legs, so...

Everyone was there, the usual, doing their job.

The paramedics. The fire service had taken the roof of the car off and...

..and had gotten her out.

But he was still sat in the car.

And, then, suddenly, this...

..this huge blade...

..it...fell.

And, er... And crushed him to death.

And I've seen that huge metal blade fall a thousand times.

I've seen the blood a thousand times.

Every time I close my eyes, wherever I am, whatever time of day, you know?

And I have blackouts.

And when...when I come...come round,

sometimes I don't know where...where I am.

And I've tried to block it out.

Huh! I have tried to block it out.

I've tried everything.

I've tried drink, I've tried antidepressants, you name it.

-And nothing works?

-No, not really.

Well, we've all been there. A lot of us, anyway.

No. And...

Huh! The...

The thing I don't get is, after 30-odd years in this job, I...

I just... I walked away.

I was in charge. I was supposed to be in charge, and I just walked...away.

I-I up and went.

We talked about this.

Yeah, I know, but... Mm! You know?

I, er... I still can't make sense of that.

Maybe there is no answer.

Sometimes we just have to accept that.

Let it go.

-Ooh!

-You're doing a great job, OK?

Ah! The thing is, if I don't tell them...

OK, look, breathe through it. Breathe through it. That's it.

Then that's just as bad. Argh!

Jess, I think you just need to concentrate now.

I'm going to end up losing both of them. Argh!

No, you won't. You won't.

-Why? What makes you say that?

-Er...I don't know. I just...

I think they want to be involved, you know, somehow.

What does that even mean?

I'm going to end up being a single mum, I just know it! Oh!

When...Jane, the social worker...

..asked us if we wanted to foster...

..a very sick baby...

..I, er...

Deep down, I knew it was a mistake.

But I still said yes.

Why is that?

Because I was hoping that the baby would take my...

..take my mind off things. You know?

Make my mind concentrate.

-And did it?

-No.

No, it was a terrible idea, but it was only after I spoke to Heston

that I realised the main reason why I'd done that.

Well, to be fair, it was a bit more complicated than that.

No, but deep down, there was only really one reason,

and that is that I wanted, I needed...to save someone.

I... I wanted to save that baby

because I didn't save the man in the car.

But you couldn't have.

So taking the baby was selfish.

I did that for me.

Hm.

But I let the baby down.

I let Karen down.

I blamed everything on her.

What kind of a man does that to his own wife?

I'd still say they're a mistake.

Jess thinks they're cool.

Did she, or did you say they were cool?

Er...how's it going in here?

I asked her and she decided for herself.

-Really?

-Excuse me?

-The pool?

-Yes, it's ready.

-Temperature is perfect.

-Great.

Hot and cold water at the ready to keep it steady.

How's Jess?

Well, I think she's nearly ready.

What?! The baby's coming?!

-Now?

-Mm-hm. Yeah.

Right! We need, er...water, for hydration!

And, er...you ask her about the candles and I'll go and get Jess.

-I'll go and get Jess!

-RUHMA CHUCKLES

He, er...he thinks the candles are wrong. Should I put them out?

Well, they're not going to be in my way and if it does relax Jess, then OK with me.

-She... She loves candles.

-Great!

Why am I so nervous? I never get nervous!

Well, er...it happens because you're going to be a dad.

Ah! No, no, I'm not the dad.

I wish I was, but I'm not.

I'd love to have a little person running around, jumping on me, calling me Dad!

Still, I can be the favourite uncle. Almost as good.

How do you know you're not the dad, Ken?

Um...I fire blanks, apparently.

-Right.

-Always have.

And have you been tested?

I had some trouble a few years ago

and I knew Jess wanted kids, so I went to see the doctor and, er...

-But you haven't told her?

-Never seemed to be the right time.

-Mm.

-Not much point now.

Oh, I don't know about that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It would only complicate things.

Best just get out of the way for a bit, let them get on with it.

Mm.

No change.

He's still in theatre.

It's been hours.

The longer it takes, the less chance he has.

Not necessarily.

-It was the same with Reece.

-No, come on, you can't compare...

Induced coma. Multiple-organ failure. Stroke.

-If Daniel survives this...

-And he will.

He could be permanently disabled.

Or brain damaged.

You don't know that any of that is going to happen.

All right.

Yes, it's possible.

If he lives.

-I said we should have gone to the hospital!

-Stop going on!

-You are doing brilliantly.

-I'm not going on about it!

-Oh, give me the thing!

-OK. So just breathe through it, OK?

-Oh, I can't do this!

-What are you doing?!

If you get the urge, you push, OK?

I'm winding everyone up!

Don't let him go!

-You heard her!

-I have to!

If anyone leaves, it should be me!

You promised you would stay with me!

Can we just concentrate on Jess and the baby, please?

Let me go!

-FIZZING

-Huh?

-Sh!

-Calm down.

-What are you doing?!

-It's leaking!

-What?! Oh!

-What is?

-The pool!

-Well, do something, then!

-What?

-OK, get a plaster or something.

-Sellotape, there!

-Hurry up!

-Focus.

-I told you we shouldn't have used the candles!

-Just because you're the father, it doesn't mean you get to tell...

-I'm not the father!

-You have to be!

-It won't stick.

All right, well, get something better!

-Tell him, Jess!

-You have to be the father!

I can't be! I'm sterile!

Sterile?

I had myself tested. I'm sorry.

-I know.

-What?

I read the letter.

I can see the head.

Well, if you're not the father and I'm not the father, then...

It's neither one of you!

Oh, now, just fix this leak before I have this baby!

Argh!

I still don't understand how Karen's been able to forgive me. I wouldn't.

-You would.

-I mean, after all those terrible lies I told about her. Unforgivable.

-You were ill.

-Yeah, but so was she when she lost her memory.

Yeah, I tried to be understanding and forgiving, but was I?

Really? I mean, she slept with another man.

I thought I'd dealt with it.

I mean, you've no idea how that feels, when...

-Well, I do, actually.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

But... But I couldn't get angry

because she didn't know what she was doing.

I mean, she didn't even know who I was.

Did I... Did I forgive her?

I thought I... I thought... I don't know.

Um... I-I don't know what I think any more.

Maybe we should save this for another time.

-What?

-Yeah. Maybe we could pick that up in another session.

Have I been going on?

Oh, no. You had to get it off your chest.

-I'm so sorry.

-No, that's fine.

This really isn't like me.

-What are you doing?

-He's out of surgery.

-And?

-I don't know. She's talking to the surgeon.

You need to leave her alone.

They've got him in the ICU. I've posted two PCs outside.

What are you doing here?

I'm concerned.

Are you?

You need to go.

What did the surgeon say?

What can she say?

He's going to make it, Zara.

If he gets through the first 24 hours.

Go. It's fine. I'll look after Joe. Go on, go.

Sorry for blathering on like that.

For a while, I didn't think you were going to say anything.

I've had men come to these sessions, sit there looking desperate

and not say a word for weeks on end.

And then some people turn up to their first session

-and they never stop talking.

-You should have shut me up!

I'm glad you got it off your chest.

No point carrying all that pain around, never letting it go.

-You did well.

-How are you feeling?

Better.

I do actually feel better.

Hm-hm!

So...who is the father?

It was a one-night stand.

What?!

I can't even remember his name.

Then why?

I wanted to get pregnant.

So, you decided that...

It was a real spur-of-the-moment thing.

And I'm... I'm sorry. I was just...

-I was desperate.

-Why didn't you say?

I... I don't know. I just...

I thought you'd both make great dads

and I wanted us to be a proper family.

You, er... You should have told us.

Yeah, well, maybe that is something you can all talk about together.

-KEN CHUCKLES

-Together?

-How...? How can we?

-Biology doesn't dictate who the parents are.

-No, but...

-It's who brings you up, not whose genes you've got.

That's true.

Look, I would have thought that you two would have understood this more than anyone.

What?

I heard when you said that you were adopted.

We could just be one big family together.

Well, we need to sort this out and...

Ken?

Or we could just chill for a bit.

That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Look... Right, what she did was wrong.

-Yes.

-And I'm really sorry.

But you and I aren't exactly blameless.

Guys?

There's a little baby here.

Yeah, and she needs her dads.

So do I.

Please?

We could give it a go.

MACHINES BEEP

WHISPERS: Don't you die.

Don't you dare die!

These are the kind of people

who slow down to look at a road accident!

You can't lock up the whole gang. You can lock up some of them

and others will just come to take their place and it will never end!

Daniel and I have become quite close recently.

And he was such a hero.

No, he wasn't!

You see, you've never met him! You've got no right to be here!

The only reason you are here is because you are a vulture!