Head First Doctors

Right, then. One more time with feeling.

It'll be a good day. Another day, another dollar.

More than one!

Thanks to our magic fingers.

Yours, not mine. Hardly.

You OK? Yeah, fine.

Really? Yeah.

Three men fall out of an aeroplane, which one hits the ground first?

I don't know. Who cares?! That's my girl!

SNIFFS Oh...!

Argh!

Ew! What's that? Fox?

You tell me, David Attenborough!

The IT woman's booked.

Fantastic(!) She can't come till two though. Two?!

Well done(!) I'm doing my best! Bravo(!) Oh, someone's tired!

If you hadn't gone out there for a fag, you wouldn't have trodden in that.

All right, so the fox poo's my fault? You treading in it, not mine!

Oh, it's...

I really just need to perfect one or two core items for the presentation.

Are you really going to strip down that gearbox now?!

I thought I might.

And what about this? We were supposed to be doing this together. You don't need me.

Of course I do! Why? Because I cannot do it without you.

This was our initiative.

And besides, you inspire me.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. Ah, but please, JJ...

Ah-ah!

Are you really going to leave me to do this?

I'm off for heavy-duty hand cleaner.

You love a bloke in a pinny. Ten minutes and I'll tie mine on.

With clean hands.

Ah, I thought it was a bit too hi-tech for you.

Well, I've got a couple of bras that are a bit snug after Easter, so I thought why not?

Oh, not you too, Karen. At least Ruhma won't be hard to beat.

We should get together and talk about it later.

I am going to hit my target today, OK?

So, how many have you done? Er...

840.

852.

Not that it's a competition. Are you sure 10,000 is even possible?

Can you reach the NHS target? We're on our feet all day.

Yeah, unlike some people.

Right, house calls. Aim for eight and avoid disappointment.

MIMICS SARCASTICALLY

Hey. You know, you can sync your step buddy. Yeah? For inspiration?

Yeah, well, I'll add you, friendly encouragement... BOTH: No cheating!

'Karen!' Everybody's monitor's on the blink! He thinks it's just his.

Right, let's go.

BEEPS

REPEATED BEEPING

Karen!

Enough is enough!

Is enough!

A calm mind is the best weapon against life's challenges.

Uh-huh.

PING Ah!

Are they too dark? Do you think I have overdone them?

No, no. They look spot on.

PING What's the second timer for?

It is just a backup, in case the first one did not go off.

Hey, where are we standing on GM, non-GM?

What?

Not all your supply can be organic.

Organic?

I had not even thought about that.

I know nothing about food provenance.

Or purchasing on a large scale.

What was I thinking?! Come on. You know this stuff.

Catering supplies are no different from IT supplies.

Ingredients are no different from stationery.

Come on, you can do this, standing on your head.

Only a fool would think that I am capable of making

a difference in hospital food.

Then I'm a fool cos I believe you can.

What about that Icelandic bloke? Heston's chef mate.

What? Luke Armannsson? Yeah.

How about we get his input? Get him on board and maybe he'd help.

What? Help a woman who has already

bitten off more than she can chew?

PING

It is my vegan-friendly savoury flapjacks.

You get them out of the oven. I've got a phone call to make.

KNOCK AT DOOR Yes?

Dirty mugs? No. I never let any mugs fester in here.

Are all the monitors on the blink? Yeah, but I'm on it, so, um, what did you make of JJ?

Is someone coming to fix them? Yeah. What did you find out about him?

Um, nothing. Come on!

No, seriously, I didn't think I was going to like him, but I was wrong.

You're the one who called him "just a porter".

You've got to ask yourself, is this what Mrs Tembe wants?

Is this what she needs? Who are we to judge? Her friends!

From what I saw at dinner, JJ makes her very happy.

A man is neither his job nor his associates.

Those aren't real steps, they're not going to count. Yes, they count.

How did she do that?! She's on house calls, not a cross-country run!

Hollins, that monitor has literally given me a headache.

You had a headache anyway.

This is now a health and safety matter. I need some fresh air, so I'm going to go for a walk.

I mean a proper walk, not this ridiculous step thing you're doing.

Told you. Who's going to talk to the IT lady when she comes?

Just see the IT lady down in front of that monitor and she'll see why I've gone. You can't just go.

Just watch me. Oh! Al! If you're going anyway, would you take...?

I'm not wearing your stupid wristband! Al!

Al!

This could be your lucky day! I don't think it is.

Men suffer more unnecessary headaches in 2017 than in any

other time in history. Have you got evidence to back that up?

A relaxing, soothing head massage sound good?

Ancient Ayurveda balances the mind, body and spirit.

Might be ancient, but I've never heard of it.

Would allowing yourself an hour to relax and unwind,

60 minutes to be expertly soothed, be such a bad thing?

Yes, I think it would. Are you kidding me?! What are you?

Deficient?! Well, that's an interesting sales technique.

What have you got to lose? An hour of my life? 20 of my quid?

You'll feel like you're in heaven.

You don't ask, you don't get, right? I asked Esther, Esther asked Luke.

Ah! The woman who wants to bolster the sick and the man who believes

she can do it. Interesting. Mr Armannsson...

In the corner, please. Kitchens can be dangerous places.

My assistant printed out your proposal. I read it.

It was not entirely a waste of trees.

Mr Armannsson, we should not be disturbing you.

Do you believe what you wrote?

Yes. Do you want others to believe it too?

Yes. Food can aid or inhibit recovery.

I believe so, yes. Now, she needs to believe in herself more.

Gentle flavours, familiar foods, memories on a plate.

These are the things that will entice people to eat,

to make themselves better.

Sights and smells... Like bacon frying.

I have to oversee the cherry wood smoker.

While I am gone, think deeply.

Consider, for example, is bacon for example the best smell for

vegetarians, vegans, followers of Islam or Judaism?

I have... I have made some vegan flapjacks.

I never eat before one.

Veronica, bring some tea.

If I can return to talk, it will be in 15 minutes. I'll do my best.

You're our man, son.

I beg your pardon? Armannsson. Our man, son.

It's a joke.

Sorry.

15 minutes.

Sorry.

Mm.

That's good.

So you're glad you came?

Yeah.

Do I know you from somewhere? I've got one of those faces.

Probably.

I see a lot of faces in my line of work.

Yeah, me too.

Are we done?

No, not yet.

Excellent. What is it you do?

Oh, I'm a GP.

Really? Mm.

For my sins.

General health, mental health,

anatomy? Mm. All of them.

Is it all right? Mm.

Mm.

You get that it's vegan, right?

Mm.

Meat...and dairy free.

This food is so simple, but there's an honesty that I can taste.

In my mouth is the flavour of crops, well grown,

care in preparation, and deep nourishment.

You are getting all of that from my savoury tray bake?

Are you sure you're not a professional chef?

Oh, no. No, I can only claim to be an amateur with an interest.

Oh, come on. She's got a passion for this. A proper passion.

Ah, I respond well to passion.

Of course, the oats you use are organic?

Yes.

Yes, well, it is going to be

our priority to source organic ingredients.

Mm.

Honestly, some people prostitute their mobility.

It's not what it looks like.

What does it look like? Two dysfunctional robots. It does not!

Are you competing? No!

No! We're not! They are. We are encouraging each other.

Next thing you know, they will be paying people to do their steps. Don't talk daft.

Ooh, you've broken 4,000. Ooh! You're nearly there.

Can I play? Oh! You can join in once you're better.

You'll see. Not competing. How about a penny a step?

Even at a penny a step, 1,760 yards in a mile,

three strides in a yard, that makes it...

A lot of money.

Kerching!

Advocates believe oil of orange has many benefits.

It's big on the antis.

Anti-inflammatory, antispasmodic, antidepressant, antiseptic.

And I get to spend the rest of the day smelling like marmalade.

So, did you train? Self-taught.

Right. I used to work in the entertainment industry before this.

Oh, cool. Would I have ever seen you entertain?

I only had small audiences.

You should drink cinnamon tea. It'll help with the headaches.

Cinnamon tea. Right. I'll give that a go.

Stay and my staff will bring you some pieces from today's menu.

Think about what refinement you can make. What do you want?

Eat! And think!

I do not want you to fall at this fence.

Not if I'm to get involved. Veronica, sauce.

Bit of a prima donna.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

He is an artist. Mm! N-n-n-n!

No! No-no-no-no! Do it again! Again!

Salt, leek, onion, chorizo.

Cinnamon tea for headaches, yeah? That's the one.

Right. And where would I find that? In a health food shop?

Yeah, any health food shop will have it. OK.

?20.

Um, would it be awfully ill-mannered of me if I offer you a tip?

Thanks. See you again soon. Yeah.

I knew it would do you good. Thank you. No, thank YOU.

I love that one. Lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Oh!

What was it?

I do not know.

But it tasted like it had been scraped off the hoof of a camel.

You're not going to try another piece then?

Not as long as I live. The Lutefisk is an acquired taste.

My version is made from especially sourced saltfish. Oh.

I would appreciate your input.

Well, it was not my favourite.

Because?

Well, I think you should look at

your saltfish supplier. Why?

I import it from Scandinavia.

Well, that is not always a guarantee of quality.

What do you know about buying saltfish?

It's just that a lot of my friends,

they buy their saltfish from the Birmingham market.

Oh, really? Do they?

When you are finished, one of my assistants will show you out.

But we have not talked about... Come on, people! Let's go!

Chef Veronica!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, I got these for you. You said you liked them.

Last chance, I thought, why not?

Oh, thanks! I needed cheering up!

I know. What happened?

That big bloke. Mr Miserable? I kind of liked him.

He said he couldn't quite place my face.

Even if he did, he wasn't going to admit it, was he?

SHE SIGHS

PHONE VIBRATES Hello.

Yeah, that's me.

Hang on. What do you mean "unusual activity"?

I haven't used my card today.

What? Days of Gold?! What the hell's that?!

No, that wasn't me.

I'm absolutely sure.

Idiot!

I liked Letherbridge.

What a great place for sucking data.

There's more cash here than I used to clock up in a year.

That bloke before... Let's not... Maybe he was miserable for a reason.

So? Don't you think...? I don't know.

When will you feel like you've got even? Never.

I'm just closer to being rich than even.

Why would you even feel sorry for that saddo?

You never danced the poles, Pramada.

You never had them looking at you.

Looking at your body.

Never seeing your face.

They get what they deserve.

So, let me get this straight.

You paid 20 quid for a massage?

It was a head massage and I paid cash.

'Course you did.

Can you describe her to me? Yeah, which one?

The one who got me on the street or the girl who did the procedure?

Well, both of them.

Um, it's difficult to say.

They were... They were attractive. They were attractive.

Well, that's good, but I sort of meant height, weight, age, and ethnicity. Of course. Yeah.

Average height, average weight, um, I'd say one was early 20s,

the other mid 20s.

OK. White?

Asian.

Kind of Indian. Petite. Straight.

Thing is, I can probably afford to lose a couple of hundred quid,

but there'll be people out there who can't.

I'm a victim. I want to do my civil duty. You are the victim, yes.

It's fraud and it's theft. You will get a crime number.

I had a headache. So you said.

What have I done?

I don't know, Al. What did you do? Nothing.

KNOCK AT DOOR Sarge?

Yeah. Won't be a minute. Excuse me.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Yeah, OK. I'll sort that. And I'll go and do a bit of digging.

I won't be long. You don't mind waiting, do you? Nope. Civic duty and all that.

I did not mean to offend him.

If he was offended, that's his problem.

Why did I say it? Because you're true to yourself.

Standing up for salt cod, standing up for the markets.

You march on, girl.

I love it that you were true to yourself.

I hope he did take offence anyway.

Why?

Because he was taking too much of a fancy to you.

What? Chef Armannsson? A fancy...?

Don't be so silly.

Anyway, he's not the only Michelin star chef within

a spit of Letherbridge. There are five in Birmingham.

I got you in front of Armannsson, I can get you in front of any of them.

Who needs a man with a star

when I have you?

Has no-one brought you a cup of tea? No.

Can't get the staff.

Is this the woman you paid for a massage?

Yes.

Yes, that's her. It was a head massage, it wasn't sordid.

Rob, I'd really appreciate it if you could resist the urge to tell

Karen about this.

Of course.

Now, this woman and her accomplice have been systematically

harvesting data and counterfeiting cards.

Strangely enough, all the victims have been men.

Well, their charms probably work better on men. I'm sure they do.

Now, this woman who gave you a rub down... No, no, no.

It was a head massage, OK? I've been suffering from headaches,

not helped by dodgy monitors at work. You want to talk to Karen about something,

talk to her about the monitors. Is it not possible that you and her met before today?

I did recognise this one. Could she be a patient?

Definitely not a patient.

She did say something about having worked in the entertainment

industry, whatever that means.

HE CHUCKLES No.

The one thing we do know about her is that she used to work in strip clubs.

Could you not have... met her in one of those?

Strip clubs? I am not judging you, Al.

But could you not have paid her for a dance and then she targeted you?

I don't remember.

Anyway, er, let's get you a crime number and it was really good

that you came in today.

'Not all men are perverts.' 'I don't care. I enjoy punishing them.'

'I wouldn't mind so much

'if I thought getting even made you happy.'

'Sometimes it does. That miserable lump today.

'He was one of my punters.

'Couldn't quite place my face.

'Every now and then, life offers you a little payback.

'And I take it.

'With my clothes on.

'And it feels good.'

KEYBOARD CLACKS

Fancy thinking that Al would wear her step buddy for her.

What's funny?

Nothing. Nothing.

So, ladies, which of you two are going to be crowned Queen of

the Strides?

Ooh! Oh, hello. 8,997.

98, 99, 9,000!

Sneaky, but it's not going to work because I am 10,034. Yes!

You see, because, Karen, it is walking, walking,

not stepping on the spot.

I went up the high street. Good for you.

And you had a home visit with Carol Milton today? Yeah, I did.

Pre-eclampsia? Yeah. She's doing really well.

Mm. Stop for a cup of tea, did you? Yeah, how do you know that?

I saw her sister, Donna.

She was chasing Oscar around Selly Heath Park.

When you were having your tea.

Yeah, he's quite a handful, isn't he? Mm.

It's kind of Donna to volunteer.

How many steps do you think Oscar did there and back?

I don't know. How...would I know that?

Because Oscar was wearing your step buddy.

You great big cheater!

You tried to cheat with Al. Yeah, but I didn't. Only because he..

Cos you can't keep these filthy secrets like that! Oh, no!

Not round here! Well, Al wouldn't do it. That is out of order.

He couldn't keep his big mouth shut, could he?

What's he on about?

Hey!

Mm! You smell good enough to eat.

Like spice and oranges! PHONE RINGS

Ignore it. You know that I am not made that way.

I do.

I do not recognise the number.

Hello. This is the telephone of Mrs Winifred Tembe.

How may I direct your call?

May I speak with her?

(It's the prima donna.)

Hello.

'You made me think. I have been thinking'

all day.

When we acknowledge that we cannot produce perfection and that

perfection in any case is just an idea,

what is the real reason to strive towards excellence?

Well, to make people happy.

I went to the Birmingham market.

I really did not mean to offend you.

'Well, you did.'

But then, I thought I should stop acting like

a famous chef and start acting like a chef.

You're right. The Birmingham saltfish is superior.

You reminded me that I do not know everything.

That truly honourable people are rare and should be listened to.

Well, that is very kind of you.

I will help you find the right supply chain for your venture.

'I will also look at investing for a small profit, of course.'

That... That is wonderful news. I am so pleased.

Want to feel pleased every day?

I'm sorry?

'Be on my team.'

Work with me and I believe we can do anything.

(What?)

How's Sid getting on? Fine.

He's decided to go out with the paramedics today, which sort

of makes more sense, if you want to see emergency medicine up close.

I think it's really great the way you keep picking yourself up. Oh!

If we were texting right now, I would send you a great big heart.

Are you OK? I'm OK.

Argh. Oi!

I am thinking about having a baby.

Three reasons we love Eurovision - the costumes.

Ah, yes! Who could forget the milkmaids?

The passion. We are unstoppable.