The Old Toe and The New Nose Doctors

DOOR OPENS

Elaine?

Darling? Where you hiding?

You upstairs?

Yes. In the bedroom.

Hello, stranger.

I thought you weren't back until tomorrow night?

I couldn't bear to be away from you a moment longer.

Also, my gammy toe's flared up again.

Put a kibosh on my game.

So I didn't fancy hanging around for the prize-giving.

I told you to get it checked.

Yeah, well, you know me, last of the stoics.

Have fun, did you?

Six weeks, it's too long.

I missed the comforts of home.

And you.

You still haven't noticed, have you?

Noticed what?

Something different about me.

What the hell have you done?

I like that the plants are overgrown. Go on, after you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Right, there's some work stuff I really need to catch up on.

Help yourself to a tea, biscuits, Havana cigars.

Have you employed a cleaner?

No, Mother, this is all me.

Here, let me put this up in your bedroom.

I'd be happier at home, you know.

I've still got a lot to organise for my cruise.

Oh, I thought you'd done all your holiday shopping.

-Oh, mostly.

-You remember where everything is, yeah?

Ah-hm.

Kitchen is that way.

I know.

HE SIGHS

You managed to live with it for 60 years,

why go under the knife now?

I wish I'd done it years ago.

If I hadn't listened to you, then I probably would have.

It's utterly selfish of you.

How is it selfish?

I spend more time looking at your nose than you do.

And I happen to prefer the old one!

When was I ever unkind about it?

My sense of worth doesn't entirely depend on your approval!

SHE SIGHS

Ever since I was a child, it chipped away at my self-esteem.

I already feel more confident!

Why can't you just be happy for me?!

I dread to think what it cost.

No more than your wretched golf tour!

SHE SIGHS

There's a ready meal in the fridge.

Where you going?

Out to lunch...with a friend.

I always thought cosmetic surgery

was the province of faded movie stars.

Now everyone is being nipped and tucked and botoxed and...

I think there's something to be said

for growing old gracefully, don't you?

I wouldn't know...yet.

Elaine always looked after her appearance,

but I would never say that she was vain.

It's so unseemly for a woman her age to get a nose job.

Who's she trying to impress?

-What can I do you for?

-Sorry?

You didn't come here to discuss your wife's nose job, did you?

No. No. Sorry. Huh! Er...I've got a gammy toe.

I covered it in antiseptic cream,

but it hasn't made a jot of difference.

OK. Well, pop up on the couch and I'll take a look.

Ooh!

Played havoc with my handicap.

Handicap?

Golf.

Feast your eyes.

Ooh! That's a pretty nasty infection.

I'd say at the very least, you're going to need a course of antibiotics.

I'll see if I can get you in with a doctor.

-Who's your GP?

-Granger.

Er...he's not here at the moment, but Dr Carter is.

Er...no, no need.

I'm sure I've got antibiotics knocking about at home.

They'll nip it in the bud.

Er...that's not a good idea. It's best to see a doctor.

Yeah, well, I'll speak to Daniel. Probably at the 19th hole.

-Ah, you're golfing buddies?

-Yeah.

I owe him a few... Oh!

I owe him a few, um...pointers on his swing.

OK. Well, you need to get this looked at ASAP.

Er...heard you.

And, er...I'll speak to Daniel.

Yeah, he's not around at the moment.

Yeah, well, I suppose I'll have to wait.

It can't wait. You're a diabetic.

Thanks for reminding me.

-Mr Bottrell, this is...

-DOOR SHUTS

He's less stressed than he used to be,

but still same old Geoff.

I can't imagine him as a man of leisure.

I'm so used to him firing orders at everyone.

Oh, that hasn't changed.

Poor you.

It suits you, by the way.

The new nose.

Oh!

Thank you.

Did you think I hadn't noticed?

Well, I-I wasn't sure.

You look a million dollars.

Look who's come to say hello. You...you remember Ayesha?

Oh! Of course! How could I forget?

It's good to see you again, Mrs Haskey.

Oh, call me Eve, please.

Alasdair didn't tell me you were joining us.

It's a spur-of-the-moment thing. I need his advice about a patient.

I expect you two have quite a few spur-of-the-moment things.

It's OK, there's no need to be coy about it.

You're an...unlikely couple,

but, then, people used to say the same about Henry and I.

Right. Er...I'm just going to put the kettle on...again.

I was sorry to hear about your mother.

To lose a parent at such a young age, it must be devastating.

Thanks. It was.

It is.

I hope you don't mind my mentioning it?

Of course not. It was a massive shock.

-It's...hard to accept.

-Mm.

It's a long process.

I'm still grieving Henry.

I don't suppose I'll ever stop.

I think it's a sort of spiritual experience, as well, golf, isn't it?

I think there's plenty of time for golf...

-That's what I understand.

-..when I'm older.

My goodness! Well, um...come in.

Come in. Come in!

Oh, God!

SHE SIGHS

It was so good to catch up with you.

-Let me take this for you.

-Thank you.

Right. What do you make of her?

She seems as sharp as a sharp thing.

-Really?

-Yeah.

We spoke about my mum and work,

and she seemed to remember everything I told her before,

at your dad's memorial.

She keeps forgetting where things are. Things like the kitchen.

Al, she's bound to be up and down after losing your dad.

Yeah, that's true.

Do you think she's depressed?

-Maybe.

-That can be mistaken for the early signs of dementia.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm just trying to medicalise things, aren't I? Typical doctor!

It's fine. Thank you.

I mean, in truth, we've never got along so well. Hm!

Have you ever dealt with a Geoff Bottrell, a 60-year-old diabetic,

one of Daniel's golfing buddies?

No. He sounds like a patient to avoid to me.

He's got a really infected toe. It's in need of some urgent care,

but Daniel's the only one he'll see.

Right. Have you tried calling him?

-Who, Daniel?

-Yeah.

No. I thought he was incommunicado.

Well, if it's about golf, then you might as well give it a try.

Or, should I say, a swing?

I don't believe you two have been talking about a patient all this time.

I think you two lovebirds have got better things to do.

Ooh! House-hunting!

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just looking.

Not sure what happened to the main paper.

It's just here.

Oh, yeah. Huh!

-I love the property edition, don't you?

-Er...yeah.

They had a really interesting article last week

about up-and-coming areas and schemes for first-time buyers.

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

He's diabetic.

I know. How's that working out?

Oh, he's in complete denial.

He eats and drinks as he did before

and his idea of healthy exercise is to play a bit more golf.

Well, I told him to see a doctor ASAP,

but you're the only one he'll see.

I have no idea how much longer I'm going to be tied up here.

Is there any way you can you get him back into the surgery?

-I can try.

-OK.

You look dreadful.

I'm jet-lagged. I didn't get a wink on the plane.

Is that why you didn't join us in the restaurant?

I wasn't invited!

Only because you were meant to be in Florida!

Oh, how convenient!

What else have you been up to in my absence?

Aren't I entitled to have a social life?

Not with him!

We mainly talked about you!

In fact, that was the whole basis for the meeting...

First he steals my job, then my wife.

Oh! Don't be ridiculous!

Now I understand why you had the nose job.

He's quite the womaniser, you know.

The most you'll be is another notch on his rickety bedpost.

He feels bad because you left Hollington's under a cloud.

What does he expect?!

-He had me fired.

-That's not true!

It was just boardroom politics!

-Oh!

-The only reason I had lunch with him

was because he wanted my advice. He's desperate to make amends!

As for my nose, the only person who helped persuade me

was your golfing crony, Daniel Granger!

-What?

-He recommended an excellent surgeon.

Did he now?

PHONE RINGS

Well, that's one backhander he'll live to regret.

Hello? I'll get him for you now.

It's the nurse at the Campus surgery. She says it's urgent.

Hello.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

You've got to cover your stamp duty, then there's all the moving costs.

I'd probably just hire a van. I don't have that much stuff.

-I was talking about your solicitor's fee.

-Right, yeah.

Have you been moonlighting as an estate agent?

Because you seem to know an awful lot about all this.

Don't tell anyone but, um... I'm thinking of moving.

Really? But Heston's house is... Sorry, your house is lovely.

Yeah, and that's exactly why.

It just doesn't feel like it's our place, you know? It feels like his.

So...I think if we buy something together, we can both put our stamp on it.

-Found anything?

-No. I'm just doing all the groundwork.

Working on Heston, which could take a bit of time.

-Is something wrong?

-Look, why don't I speak to him now?

He's in a foul mood. I thought we agreed...

Look, someone has to break the deadlock.

-No time like the present.

-Elaine? Where are you?

He needs to see a doctor. Can we do this another time?

Please?

No problem.

Geoff! How are you?

What's going on?

It's been too long.

Look, can we meet for a chat?

Yeah...when hell freezes over.

I'm sorry.

Um...before you go...

SOUNDS HORN

Are we going, then?

Ooh, don't chuck that away. Sid was looking at it earlier.

Sid was?

Yeah.

I didn't know he was buying a house.

I think he was...just having a bit of a nosey, you know.

Mm! Nice sandwich.

It's not for me.

Go on, open it!

What does he want me to do with this, hang myself?

I suggested something golf-related.

Well, you can tell him where to stick his guilty peace offering.

You were always attracted to him, I could tell.

Listen, if you think that you have a future together, that's fine.

I'll get my lawyer to file for a divorce.

How could you even think such a thing?

Dr Granger's ready to see you now.

-This is your room. I thought I was seeing Daniel?

-You are.

Hi, Geoff.

So, let's have a look at this gammy toe, shall we?

Is this what the NHS has come to?

I'm so sorry. It's was a real foot-in-the-mouth moment.

It's fine. Look, you weren't to know.

Hi, Emma. Mm-hm!

So...when were you thinking of telling me?

Telling you what?

Look, I haven't decided that I was going to move out yet

and I haven't decided that I was going to stay put.

I was just...weighing up my options, that's all.

Right. Well, thanks for letting me know(!)

Er...a little bit closer, please.

I've got a bone to pick with you, Granger.

Why did you do a sales job on my wife?

Er...sorry, you're breaking up.

You persuaded her to have a new nose.

I've a good mind to have your membership revoked at the club.

Sorry, slight technical hitch. Bear with me.

Brave new world(!)

Hello?

That's...random.

Ah, OK. Where were we?

Your missus was locking herself into a hotel wardrobe.

Oh. Er...yeah, sorry about that.

She's, er...she's just playing hide-and-seek.

Oh, yeah, naturally(!)

Yep. So let's have another look at this, er...toe.

Argh! Nurse Lee, would you do me a favour and take Mr Bottrell's blood pressure?

-Mm-hm.

-Thank you.

I thought you weren't playing? Where's Joe?

He's in the bathroom. I think he's locked himself in.

Oh! Not again!

It's all right, Joe, Mummy's coming!

150/93.

OK. Er...look, Geoff, I think you need to get yourself to A&E straightaway.

The toe is badly infected

and there's a chance of gangrene.

Just turn the lock. You must've turned it to lock it.

Can you turn it the other way?

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse.

Er...is there a friend or a family member who could take you to St Phil's?

Can you call a taxi for Mr Bottrell, please?

-It's going to St Phil's.

-OK.

I think your wife's gone.

I've called you a taxi. It should be here shortly.

Does this belong to you?

We've been married for 31 years.

Had our ups and downs. I'm not an easy man to live with.

But I have never had reason to doubt her loyalty.

Not until today.

I didn't know you were still there.

You breathe one word of this down the club

and I really will have you barred.

You can count on my discretion.

Bye, Daniel.

She must've been planning this for months.

Nose job.

She had the surgery coincide with my golf trip.

-Maybe she wanted to surprise you.

-No. This wasn't about me.

I've always loved her face, with its imperfections.

Did you tell her that?

Yeah, loads of times.

Once or twice.

Look, you didn't expect me to stay forever, did you?

Of course not!

I'm sorry, I was being silly...selfish.

You deserve a place of your own.

I could always help you find a replacement,

if and when I do decide to move on.

-Hm!

-We could put an ad on, um...Letherbridge Roomers.

What would it say? Um... Hospitable landlady seeks single, pet-free tenant,

um...with superb references.

Applicants should be sociable, independent,

gastronomically-gifted and scrupulously tidy.

Oh! Well, if it was that easy to find somebody, I'd marry them!

Thanks, but, um...I don't want to let rooms to strangers.

I only let rooms to people that I know and like.

Hm!

You've changed a lot in the time I've known you.

-Is that a compliment?

-Of course!

You're... Well, you're much more self-assured, confident.

And you know when to keep your mouth shut.

Well, most of the time.

-I'm going to miss you.

-I'm not going anywhere, not for a while.

Still, you've made me think about my own future.

That house is so big. With just me on my own, well, I'll rattle around.

Maybe I should think about moving, too.

He always buries his head in the sand, waits for a small problem

to escalate into a full-blown crisis.

Well, look, he's not alone in that.

Could just be a guy thing.

No, it's a Geoff thing.

I...I have put up with it long enough.

Well, I hope not. He'd be lost without you.

Is that a reason to stay together?

I can think of worse.

Thanks for your concern, Dr Granger,

but I think marriage guidance is beyond even your remit.

Well, I just wanted to bring you up to speed.

And find a way into Geoff's good books?

Let me guess - he threatened to expel you from the golf club?

Er...I didn't take him seriously.

PHONE RINGS I need to go. Daniel, thanks for your call.

OK. You're welcome.

Hello again.

Not eloped, then?

Have you seen the consultant?

I'm due in theatre soon.

They're going to amputate the toe.

And if that doesn't work, the whole foot.

I'm sorry.

Now you can say, "I told you so".

That's not why I'm here.

No? Why are you here?

Daniel phoned. He thought you could use some moral support.

Look at you. You only get more perfect with age.

I, on the other hand, have run to seed.

Let bits of me go...literally!

That gammy toe isn't your finest feature.

And my nose wasn't mine.

No, I don't suppose it was.

But that's why I liked it.

Well, from the moment we met,

I always knew that you were out of my league.

But your nose was slightly crooked and a little bit big.

It gave me hope.

-Hope?

-Yeah.

If you were slightly less than perfect,

then maybe you could overlook my infinite flaws.

I am a long way from perfect.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

How's the patient?

You don't give up, do you?

You might enjoy holding a grudge, but Marcus doesn't.

He's gone out of his way to patch things up!

Well, some friendships are beyond repair.

They have to be written off.

Will you just hear him out?

If not for his sake, then for mine?

I'm a captive audience, aren't I?

Would you like a coffee?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Don't make yourself too comfortable.

Just say what you've got to say.

Right. The, er...

..the board aren't happy.

Now, I understand why you left in a hurry,

but it could've been a smoother transition.

Now, one or two of the clients are...making noises.

They've threatened to jump ship.

Well, frankly, it's...it's a mess.

So in other words, you're not up to the job.

Clients don't trust you, the directors are losing patience.

You blamed me for the teething problems...

-I...

-And that excuse has worn thin.

I never blamed you. It's just that I need...

-..I need your help.

-Yeah, of course you do.

-Look, I know that you don't owe me anything.

-Ho!

But I could arrange a generous consultant's fee off the record.

That's where you go wrong, Marcus.

You can't be trusted.

I've worked up quite an appetite already.

Are there any plans for dinner?

Not really. I'm afraid the fridge is a bit depleted.

We should stop at the supermarket on our way home.

Or a butcher. They might have some Smalahove.

Norwegian sheep head?! I...I thought you weren't interested?

I'm coming around to it.

It's pretty tricky to prepare.

I'm a dab hand with a blowtorch.

AL CHUCKLES

What happened?

Oh, he's not interested.

-In what?

-Patching things up.

Oh! There's just a bit of trouble at work, that's all.

I...I thought he might be able to help.

That's what this was about.

Nothing to do with Geoff's friendship.

-Or mine.

-Elaine, don't be like that.

This is yours.

Oh, thanks. Hm!

How long do you think they'll keep him in?

I'm not sure. A few days, probably.

We should make the most of them.

-You don't think...?

-What?

If I've given you the wrong impression...

By fluttering your eyelashes

and complaining about the state of your marriage?

That's not fair. That's not what I meant!

Look...you're wasted on Geoff.

You deserve to have some fun!

Especially now.

Now?

That makes such a difference. It's worth every penny.

Goodbye, Marcus.

Good luck with your precious job.

Sweet-talk you, did he?

He tried to.

He's good at playing people.

I wish I'd seen it sooner.

It's my fault. If I'd been around, nothing would've happened.

Nothing did happen.

I just enjoyed a bit of attention.

I feel like a fool.

You're nobody's fool.

I'm your fool.

I miss your old nose.

SHE CHUCKLES

I think I might get to like the new one...in time.

Mm! That's very noble of you(!)

Will you be here when I wake up?

Of course.

Where else would I be?

So if we set off after work tomorrow,

we should get back to yours about 8-ish.

Oh, that'll be fine. It'll be good to see Henry again.

Mother...

Yes, I know.

I spoke without thinking.

-Old habits.

-Right.

It'll be good to be home again, anyway.

Even if there isn't anyone waiting for me.

We've had fun today, haven't we?

-Yes, we have.

-There's no rush for you to get back,

so, why don't you stay for a couple more days?

I mean, I've enjoyed having you.

And you know what, Mum, I would really appreciate it.

Very well. If that's what you'd like.

What can I get you, Captain? Tea? Coffee?

Isn't it funny how, all of a sudden, you're OK with him watching telly all day(?)

KNOCK AT DOOR That'll be Social Services.

Why is a lion like a wolf?

I don't know, why is a lion like a wolf?

Mum, it's not a joke.

Couple of weeks, you'll be out of here.