No Strings Doctors

SHE EXHALES

For me? You spoil me!

-How do I look?

-Gorgeous, as always.

-Hungry?

-Ravenous!

What can I get you, Captain?

Tea? Coffee?

THEY GIGGLE

-Morning, Mother.

-Morning. Sit.

There's a cup of tea there.

Milk and two sugars, just the way you like it.

We can't have you going to work on an empty stomach.

Oh. Thank you.

Busy day?

Tricky day. I'm going to run some psychometric tests on Mrs Jennings.

I was going to see if I can finally discover

whether she needs that personality transplant.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Yeah, it's not the tests that worry me so much as Mrs Jennings.

She can be a really tricky customer.

You know, I always have to come up with a cunning plan,

make sure she's going to cooperate.

Maybe I should practise on you.

Oh, I'm not sure I'd be any use.

It would just be like a dry run.

You know, the more I think about it,

the more I think it might be quite useful. You know, for me.

Well, if you think it would make a difference.

Now, eat your breakfast!

Not holding you up, am I?

You're down in the diary as an essential meeting.

I have an appointment later, but until then, I'm all yours.

You fancy heading out for some breakfast?

I'm not needed back at the airport until this afternoon.

I have a much better idea.

Ow!

Something wrong?

-You just caught a bit of dry skin.

-It's bleeding!

It's nothing. I'll sort it.

Oh, no, don't be silly. Let me take a look.

-Doesn't look like eczema to me, more like a mole.

-Beauty spot, actually.

Whatever it is, it's all red and inflamed.

Sounds attractive(!)

You should get it checked it out.

I'm on it. It's nothing for you to worry about.

Maybe you've used up the daily allowance.

Maybe you're sucking up all the bandwidth.

BANGING

Keep it down, Joe, please!

BANGING CONTINUES

I'll go, shall I?

What's the password again?

It's in the leather folder, next to the room-service menu!

On the writing desk?

You mean in the Creative Corner.

Joe! How many times do I have to tell you

that is a wall, not a goalpost?!

Why don't you sit down and watch some television?

You can have it back when you behave yourself. DANIEL SIGHS

-He's drawn all over it with a marker pen.

-You can still read it.

I can't! It's hidden behind the...flower.

I mean, what is that, an O or a Q?

OK, it's a Q, and it's not a flower, any fool can see that it's a clown.

-You really didn't have to drop me off.

-It's no problem.

-You'll be OK?

-It's just the doctor's, I think I can cope.

I'll call you later, shall I?

-What for?

-See how you got on.

Won't you be ordering the crew to crosscheck

or setting the doors to manual?

You should join me on board some time, watch me in action.

I could give you a tour today, if you like,

unless you've got other plans?

I really should show my face at the office.

Maybe next time I'm in town, then.

-It would be nice to see a bit more of each other.

-Yeah, maybe.

-See you in a fortnight?

-It's in the diary.

Missing you already!

Please state for me your full name and date of birth.

That's silly, Alasdair. You know very well.

Let's just pretend we're on Mastermind.

Oh! Eve Mary Haskey, retired book-keeper.

July 28th, 1945.

-What's today's date?

-Friday.

No, date, not day.

Oh, I see. I don't know. Um...

..November the somethingth. Er...31st?

No, it can't be. 30 days hath September...

Or is it December already?

Hm. Pinch and a punch.

Ah! The first! When did that happen?

Hm. Right, next, I'm going to read you a sentence.

I want you to think about it, then we'll come back to it later. OK?

HE READS: Good citizens wear stout shoes.

-I don't understand.

-No, you don't need to understand.

Just bear it in mind. It'll all come clear later.

Right, next, I'm going to give you some concepts

and I want you to tell me what they have in common.

So, first up, why is a carrot like a potato?

I beg your pardon?

It's not a trick question, Mum, it's perfectly logical. Carrot, potato.

Um...one's long and orange,

the other's round and brown.

I suppose they both need peeling.

Right, yeah, let's...let's try another one. Um...lion and a wolf.

-Sorry?

-Why is a lion like a wolf?

I don't know, why is a lion like a wolf?

No, Mum, it's not a joke. What do they have in common?

Um...one lives in the woods, the other lives in the jungle.

No, no, that's not true.

Lions tend to live in grasslands and savannahs.

It's a popular misconception.

Try and think on a more basic level. Lion and a wolf.

I suppose they could both eat you if they were hungry.

I'm not doing very well, am I?

No, you're doing fine. Those ones were tricky. You'll like this one.

OK, who is the prime minister?

-Oh, this is getting silly!

-I'm not trying to catch you out.

Well, it feels as though you are!

Mum, just relax, OK? We're taking our time.

Well, you know me, I'm not interested in politics.

Yeah, but it's been on the news quite a lot this year, hasn't it?

Yes, but they keep changing them, I can't keep up!

I'm going to have to push you. Who's the prime minister?

Well, it was that woman with a lot of hair.

Is it still her? I don't know.

Mrs Something-or-Other.

Is that your final answer, Mrs Something-or-Other?

-I had it.

-Yeah?

No. It's gone.

Can you just hold your hair back for me, please? Thanks.

OK. How long since you noticed it?

A month, six weeks, maybe.

It's been itchy for a while.

Right. But it's only recently started bleeding.

Could you have caught it with a hairbrush, maybe?

I get dry patches. Maybe I need a stronger steroid cream.

The one I got from the chemist doesn't seem to be shifting it.

No, this, er...this isn't a dry patch.

The mole is definitely irritated.

Have you, um...changed your products recently?

None that I can think of.

Right. I'm just going to take some photographs

because I want to monitor any changes.

What are your sunbathing habits?

Well, I like a beach holiday. Doesn't everybody?

-Sunbeds?

-No. I prefer a spray-on.

Good. And have you ever lived in a hot country?

Well, I grew up in the tropics. Dad was in the forces.

Right. And have you ever been badly sunburnt?

A couple of times.

You think this is skin cancer, don't you?

Not necessarily, no.

But I am going to refer you to a specialist,

just to be on the safe side.

A cancer specialist?

No, no, a dermatologist.

Look, I'll send them the photographs

and then we'll take it from there. OK?

Yeah. It was working absolutely fine yesterday.

I mean, look, perhaps you could send somebody up to have a look?

-BANGING

-Excuse me a sec.

Joe, keep it down, pal. We agreed.

Sorry about that.

Yes, yes, that would be great. Thank you.

-You gave him the ball back?

-He was bored.

I'd confiscated it! So much for united parenting!

You're hardly one to talk about good parenting, are you?

What's that supposed to mean?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, it's hardly ideal here, is it, the situation?

I mean, keeping a kid cooped up all day long,

nowhere for him to run around!

And isn't it funny how all of a sudden,

you're OK with him watching telly all day?

KNOCK AT DOOR That'll be social services(!)

Very droll.

Oh, it's you. Come in.

-What are you doing here?

-Mix-up with the rota.

Volunteered to swap shifts, so I'm not needed till tonight.

Thought you and I could...hang out.

-Hang out?

-Yeah, grab a bite to eat, catch a movie.

You could show me the sights.

-You make it sound like a date.

-Yeah, would that be so bad?

Find out if there's more to you and I than just...you know.

I thought we were supposed to be no strings, just a bit of fun?

Coffee, then. That can be fun, can't it?

SHE SIGHS

HE CHUCKLES

Help yourself to the shortbread, they're complimentary.

Mm! Don't mind if I do.

This is the life, eh?

Do you think we're enjoying a five-star break?

-Well, maybe not enjoying, but...

-I don't know about five star.

This isn't exactly a jolly holiday, I can assure you.

I appreciate that, but...

Do you have any idea what this is like for us?

We cannot step outside

without our own personal bodyguards, Pinky and Perky,

eyeballing us by the breakfast buffet!

At least you get to sleep in your own bed,

use your own shampoo, play with your own toys!

We've done nothing wrong, OK, yet we're the ones banged up,

we're the ones with all our rights and freedoms taken away from us.

Thank you so much(!)

I do appreciate that you may be getting a little bit stir-crazy.

-Hm!

-But it's a small price to pay for your safety.

At the moment, you are in the right place.

Oh, you think so, do you?

Because from where I'm sitting, this is a living nightmare.

I tell you what, maybe these...

..will take your mind off things. Presents.

Oh, please, a card would have been sufficient!

Oh, look, shortbread.

Hm. And...

Ta-da! That could keep Joe out of mischief for a bit.

TEARFUL: You think that's going to impress Joe?

Zara, I'm just trying to brighten the place up,

get you in the mood for Christmas.

Is it Christmas? We didn't know(!)

How did I do?

Yeah, fine. It was very useful.

You've gone quiet.

I'm sorry if I've let you down.

No! Mum, not at all.

I'm the one who should be apologising.

My bedside manner is not good.

-Alasdair...

-Oh, believe me, I've got the complaint forms to prove it.

Perhaps I could just give you one piece of advice.

Maybe you could take things a little more gently with your Mrs Jennings.

-Who?

-Mrs Jennings, your patient.

-That's what you called her, wasn't it?

-Mm-hm.

Unless there isn't a Mrs Jennings...

..and this is all about something else?

No, no, there very much is a Mrs Jennings

and, you know what, she's a real stickler for timekeeping,

so, er...I'd better get my skates on if I don't want to get growled at.

Well, don't let me keep you any longer.

Yeah. Are you going to be all right on your own?

Of course. You don't have to worry about me, dear.

I'll probably just pop down to the shops

and then I'll get straight on with supper.

I'll come home straight after work, I promise.

I'll get a nice piece of beef.

What would you prefer, steak and ale or cottage?

Oh, steak and ale, I think.

-And we'll have it with potatoes and carrots.

-Perfect.

Since they're both vegetables.

Are you sure you won't join me for some bubbles?

MESSAGE ALERT

-Brilliant!

-Don't tell me, fog over Frankfurt?

Apparently, my daughter's passed her grade-three flute,

and she got a distinction.

Congratulations. You must be thrilled.

Sorry about that. Real-world stuff.

No, it's none of my business what you do in your own time.

-Tori, I'd really like us to...

-PHONE RINGS

I should get this. Real-world stuff.

-Hello?

-Hello, Tori?

Tori, it's Dr Reid from the Mill Health Centre.

Look, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I've had a call from the specialist

regarding the photographs of your mole that I took.

-Er...they'd like to see you.

-What for?

Well, they want to do a biopsy.

They can see you tomorrow, if you're free?

Um...tomorrow? Yeah, I think so.

Great. OK, well, St Phil's will call you with the details

and I'll be in touch soon.

OK. Bye-bye.

Everything all right?

-Everything all right?

-Oh, grand(!) I work with a bunch of incompetents

who can't put lids back on properly, but...

Sorry. Sorry.

Things aren't great at the moment.

My mother's memory problems are far worse than I originally thought.

You know, parents, they...they bring worry, don't they?

I always thought that it was so unfair that my dad died

when he had so much to live for,

but now I know what my mother's got coming to her,

-I think he got off lightly.

-Let's take this into my room.

AL SIGHS Yeah.

Hey.

SHE SOBS QUIETLY

Biopsy. I'm being fast-tracked.

Well, that's good, isn't it?

Means they're taking it seriously.

-Means there's a problem and it starts with C.

-Hang on a sec.

You do know that biopsy doesn't automatically mean cancer?

I don't need to read the leaflets to know what it means.

Hospitals, tests, operations.

That's just the start.

Not that you need to know any of this.

You're obviously upset, so offload away.

No, I-I should be going.

You've had a shock. I don't think you should be on your own right now.

-I'll be fine...

-I think you should go back to the doctor,

put your mind at rest.

How about I take you there now?

You really don't have to.

I know...but I want to.

I ran her through selected aspects of the standard TYM test

and the results were pretty darn compelling.

OK, what do you mean by selected aspects?

Well...I skipped parts.

And I didn't want to blow my cover,

so it wasn't done under exactly clinical conditions.

And I gave her a few hints.

But even with the hints, she scored in the low 30s, Heston.

Well, all right, that's pretty borderline, I grant you,

but I question your methodology,

let alone your right to make the diagnosis.

That's for your mum's GP, after ruling out several possibilities.

-Sure, sure.

-Underactive thyroid, vitamin B deficiency.

She could be having a bad day.

The woman's just lost her husband, she's entitled to be depressed.

But there are no signs for those other things.

But without a full consultation, blood test, MRI scan,

it's impossible to know for sure.

What's the latest on LaToya?

She's on the mend, thankfully.

Yeah, but it's going to be a long road, and...

she's in no fit state to attend the trial.

But it's not all bad.

You know, Lily and her little girl, they're doing just fine.

Well, that's great. Do they have a name?

-Darcy.

-I didn't have her down as a Jane Austen fan.

They're both besotted with each other

and that's all that counts, isn't it?

Austin's been there every day

and even Carlene is taking to being a grandmother.

You must pass on our regards.

I'm going to pop over to the hospital later on,

so I will do just that.

Yeah, I think I'd better be going.

You know, I do realise that this can't be easy for you.

But...look on the bright side.

A couple of weeks, you'll all be out of here.

ZARA SIGHS

I'll see myself out.

Thanks. Bye.

-Was there something else?

-Yes.

Look, as I'm sure you realise,

I am putting my family through hell right now,

so I need you to promise me it'll all be worth it.

You will get Braydon, won't you?

Zara, you know that I cannot promise you.

Promise is too strong a word. One that I don't bandy around.

OK? Come on!

Stay strong. You're going to fine!

Because without LaToya on board, it's all down to you.

No pressure, then(!)

ROB SIGHS

Tori. Is everything all right?

I need to know how bad this is.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, I thought I'd explained.

It's all come as a bit of a shock, really.

Is there any way you could put Tori's mind at rest?

-She's been a bit upset.

-Of course.

Well, look, if you've got five minutes now,

we could pop back inside, have a chat?

I'm happy to stick around, if you need me?

I think we're done for now.

A biopsy will remove the entire mole

so it can be tested for all sorts of things.

Melanoma is just one possibility.

But you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't expect to find something.

Even if we do, the chances are

that we've caught it extremely early.

But it's likely to be nothing at all.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

So, I should just pull myself together and get on with it?

Hm! Easier said than done, I know.

Going through this kind of thing can be difficult.

It might help you to talk to somebody.

Friend or family member?

My folks live abroad and most of my friends are coupled up,

stressing about kids and mortgages.

It's been ages since we got together.

Well, what about the guy I saw you with outside?

Oh. Um...we're not...together.

Oh! Right, I'm sorry, I just assumed that you were.

And, well, he looked like a nice guy.

No. Mark and I, it's just sex.

Oh. Don't blame you.

Hm! Do you think she's warm enough?

She looks as snug as a bug to me.

LILY CHUCKLES That's it, then.

She's clean and dry and...dressed!

Only taken two hours!

-Do you think I should give her a feed?

-No, I think she's all right.

Yeah. She'll probably let me know when she's hungry.

Yeah, she will!

You have totally smashed this motherhood thing.

-Do you think?

-Yeah, I do!

I think you're amazing! Especially after what you've been through.

There are women who are twice your age who couldn't cope.

I am so proud of you.

Mark is like having your own personal Santa Claus,

except he drops by more often and brings better gifts.

Mm. Sounds like the ideal set-up.

It is. Always good to see him, nice to see him leave.

But there when you need him?

How do you mean?

Well, he hung about today.

That's not the deal with Mark. I can't ask him for anything more.

Why not, if you need a bit of moral support?

There's no point even asking. He'll be in Dubai or Moscow and...

Besides, I'd be a mess and I don't want him seeing me like that.

He's used to me at my best. Preened and pampered and minty fresh!

I see.

So, he's not allowed to see the other side of Tori?

No. Warts and all, he can get at home.

Look, it's great to be independent,

but there comes a time with everybody when we need someone.

You know, if you shut yourself off, then...

I'll end up a sad and lonely old woman?

All I'm saying is that maybe now,

you need a friend more than a lover.

Hello? Dr Granger?

Mrs Tembe! At last!

Hello, Dr Granger, are you...?

Can you hear me? The screen's just frozen, I don't believe it. Hello?

What?! "Your complimentary wi-fi allowance has just been exceeded.

"Please call reception and pay for an additional service."

-I don't believe this!

-We did stream that movie for Joe yesterday.

You know what, I've had enough of this!

-Where are you going?

-I don't really care.

If you think I'm going to hang around here for one more second

when I've done nothing wrong, you've got another think coming!

Oh, Daniel, you're being ridic...

-I've had enough! That is it! I'm gone!

-Daniel!

-Daddy!

DANIEL SIGHS

We need to talk, about us.

-Mark, there is no "us". There never has been.

-There could be.

If we took things out of the bedroom a bit more,

you might surprise yourself.

That's what I'm scared of, how good it could be.

-Then don't walk away from this, please.

-I have to.

-SHE SIGHS

-This isn't what we're about.

Look, you do one thing and you do it very well,

but moving forward, you can't give me what I need.

I could, one day, but...it's complicated.

It's actually very simple.

Look, I appreciate you trying to be the nice guy here, but you can't be.

Not when you have other commitments.

And once a fortnight just isn't enough for me. Not any more.

What about that thing on your neck? I could...

I'm a big girl.

I have my own business, my own place.

I reckon I've got it covered.

I thought that deep down, you wanted someone in your life.

For something more than just fun, laughs and good times.

I mean, doesn't everybody, eventually?

Maybe.

Yes, actually, I do.

But that can't be you.

Well, how about I meet you halfway?

We can be friends with benefits, and not just about the benefits.

I can do the friend thing, too.

Except when I need you,

there'll always be someone else who needs you more.

And call me selfish, but...I want it all. All or nothing.

So I'd better let you go. You've got a plane to catch.

I've been thinking, if it's in the early stages,

Eve could have many good years ahead of her.

Well, that depends on the definition of "good years".

Well, that's for the two of you to decide.

The thing is to remain positive.

Well, that's easier said than done.

-This isn't just some patient.

-Yeah, I accept...

This is my mother, and I'm all she's got.

So in a way, this is horrific for the both of us.

It's ironic, you know? Just when we started to get along well.

Well, I suppose it is, but...

It hasn't really been my real mother, has it?

This disease is creeping in and whisking her away

and in the end, all it's going to leave behind is some...alien.

-That's what will happen, isn't it?

-That's a bit dramatic.

No, it isn't.

I thought that she'd lightened up since she lost my dad, but...

in truth, she's just been losing her marbles all along.

What does she think?

I'm hardly going to talk to her about it, am I?

That's exactly what you should do.

Because making it all about you isn't going to help anyone.

AL SIGHS

Hey, Lauren, it's Tori.

I know. I'm sorry, I'm so rubbish at keeping in touch.

I've just had so much on.

It'd be great to catch up with you guys.

What are you up to this weekend?

Really?!

And Abi will be there, too?

Yeah, I'd love to come!

-KNOCK AT DOOR CROAKY VOICE:

-Hello!

LILY LAUGHS He's gorgeous!

Oh, gosh, I love a cuddly toy!

I don't think my arms are big enough for him, though.

Oh, well, that's all right, because he's not for you. He's for Darcy.

-Thanks, Rob.

-My pleasure.

Well, you two look like you're doing all right.

They're doing great, aren't you?

-My arms are getting a bit stiff, though.

-Mm.

Do you think you could hold her for a bit?

Me?

You're in luck, she's just had her nappy changed.

I-I-I wouldn't want to wake her up.

-She'll be fine.

-It's not like you haven't done it before.

No.

Well...if you are sure, then...

-..yes, please.

-Here you go, then.

-Careful of her head.

-Oh!

I will be.

-Hm.

-Oh!

-Boo!

-Pirates have adventures.

This is just a boring hotel.

SHE SOBS

No-one at the Mill is going to want to take on

one of your relatives. They're just not.

-She's not losing me!

-So what's going on?

That, Pirate Bacon, is the first clue in our treasure hunt!

Treasure hunt!

-Shiver me timbers!

-Har-har-har!