The Shining Happy People Doctors

Boo.

BABY GURGLES

Boo.

Hey, Ruh.

Sam?

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

SINISTER MUSIC ON SOUNDTRACK CONTINUES

RADIO ALARM ACTIVATES

MUSIC: Wake Up Boo! by The Boo Radleys

OK. Bacon time.

Boring couple at 12 o'clock. Let's go. Abort. Abort. Abort.

Bacon.

Perfect timing.

Urgh. And cue Officer Dibble. Excellent.

What's wrong with you, happy chops?

It's the same every day. It's boring.

He may have a point.

If I eat any more bacon, I may turn into a pig.

Well, if you turn into a pig, I will turn into a big bad wolf

and eat you all up.

Promises, promises.

Now, come on, Joe, let's look on this as an adventure.

Pirates have adventures. This is just a boring hotel.

Ah, there you are! Oh, how are you both?

Very well, thank you.

-Oh, look at her. She's so big!

-Mmm.

I can't believe it.

Oh, she's beautiful. What's her name?

-Er, Ruhma.

-Ruhma?

Yeah. Named after the most beautiful midwife in the world.

What? How did that happen?

Well, erm, Greg, my husband, erm...

-He's a fireman, he's a fireman.

-I like him already.

He met Ruhma at the hospital, and fell in love with the name.

Oh, she's beautiful. You are so lucky.

Tell me he's handsome?

Well, I think so, but, er, you can tell for yourself -

-he's coming in for our appointment with Dr Carter.

-Happy days.

Behave yourself.

-Oh, er, there you go.

-What's that?

That's an invitation to the christening.

We would love it if you and Heston could make it.

Oh, that'd be great, yeah. We'd love to.

-PHONE RINGS

-Look at that.

Problem?

Er, no, no, Greg's caught up at work, that's all.

That's the downside of being married to a fireman -

they're never there when you need them.

-I'll cook tonight. What would you like from my repertoire?

-Mmm.

-Cheese and onion pie, please.

-Hardly taxing.

-Ah, it's my favourite.

-I know.

We'll make a list and we'll get some bits.

We'll have to get dressed first.

Nothing wrong with a lazy morning. It's good for the soul.

I don't think I've ever known you to have a lazy morning.

Well, I'm having one today.

You certainly are.

Thank you.

EVE HUMS

What is that you're humming?

Don't you recognise it? It's your tune.

My tune?

It's from that essay. The one you won an award for.

What essay?

At school, in English. Something to do with Tiananmen Square.

That bald bloke that you used to like?

Oh, REM?

That's it. The Shining Happy People.

SHINY Happy People, not The Shining.

And it doesn't sound anything like that!

Well, it makes me happy. I like it.

You called it, "ironically cheerful pop pap," if I remember.

-You remember that?

-I remember all your achievements.

Hey!

-Hey.

-I thought you said I could have another snuggle.

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

What's happened?

-Uh, n-nothing.

-Is something wrong with Ruh?

-No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.

-Hey, Sammy, what is it?

Shh. Hey.

-And you'll let me know when they get here?

-Certainly, sir.

There he is. What have you been up to?

Oh, you know. Just, er, sorting stuff. Hey, champ.

-Sorting? What?

-Stuff.

Now, now, shush.

Do you recognise...him?

You said he was a policeman.

I did, but that was my mistake. Look at his moustache.

That's not real. It's a disguise!

He's a pirate.

A pirate?!

Shh, keep your voice down. Shh.

And not just any old pirate -

that is the Dread Pirate Dibble,

the fiercest pirate in the whole world, and he's after us.

He wants our treasure.

What are we going to do?

That is a very good question, Pirate Bacon.

But first we have to put these on.

-Really?

-Yeah. Do as your told.

Now, these may look like headwear from the golf shop, but, no, they're not.

This is a sign of our gang - The Big Bad Wolves Club.

OK, put them on.

Well done.

Now, Pirate Joe, how about some swashbuckling fun in the gym?

The gym?

MUSIC: We Will Rock You by Queen

Are you all right?

No. Not really.

-Something's wrong with Greg.

-What?

I don't know. He's, erm... He's distant. He's not talking.

He barely spends any time with Ruh and,

when he does, it's like he's not even in the room.

Is he stressed?

Maybe.

He's not sleeping, I know that.

And, the other night, I, er,

I found him downstairs...

..whispering into his phone.

And, when I asked him who it was, he said it was his mum.

But he's lying.

-How do you know that?

-He barely speaks to his mum.

And he's fallen out with his brothers -

I haven't seen them in ages.

I thought they were a really close family?

Yeah, well, that's what I thought.

I thought I was marrying into this, er...

..one big happy family with all the support in the world.

That was the deal.

But now, with my family being so far away,

-I am so lonely, and I just want to go home.

-Hey.

Hey, come on, Sammy.

I have seen the way Greg looks at you, and Ruh.

And he loves you both so much.

You are the most important thing in the world to him.

Then where is he?

Because he's not here. And he sure as hell is not at work.

Will you talk to him, Ruhma?

-So...

-No, please. I am going out of my mind.

Every time his phone rings, I'm imagining the worst.

Please?

It's in here somewhere, I know it is. Where's it got to?

Pocket?

No! I would never put a shopping list in my pocket.

That's the first place you'd lose things,

as your father always used to say.

Oh.

Slice of humble pie for Mrs Haskey.

Let's make that two slices, please, waiter.

-Let's go.

-Yeah.

Mum? Can we, er, can we talk?

-About what?

-Erm, you know, stuff and things.

Stuff and things? And you're the educated one?

Let's talk and shop.

-Actually, I've just remembered something.

-What?

I need to go into work, there's some things I need to do.

Oh, well, you go now and I'll catch up with you later?

No. No, no. I'll come shopping with you

and then we'll both go to work together.

Alasdair, I can shop on my own. I'll meet you at the surgery.

-You don't know where it is.

-I'll find it. I'm perfectly capable.

More beetle juice, Pirate Joe?

-PHONE RINGS

-Yes, please.

Oh. Someone's on the ship's radio.

Arggh? Oh, they have, have they?

Well, thank you for letting me know. Over and out.

OK, Big Bad Wolves, lunch is over.

The Dread Pirate Dibble is back on his feet and he's

hired in lots of other pirates to try and get hold of our treasure.

-So we need to get it before him. Arghh! Take this.

-What's this?

That, Pirate Bacon, is the first clue in our treasure hunt.

-Treasure hunt!

-Shiver me timber.

Arrrrgh, me hearties.

-Hey.

-Hey.

-It's good to see you.

-And you.

-Come on. Sit down.

-OK.

Though I'm a little puzzled as to why I'm here.

Sammy asked me to speak with you.

She did?

Why?

She's upset, Greg.

-What, because I didn't go to Ruh's appointment?

-Oh, no.

Because something came up at work, I did tell her.

Did it?

What?

Did something come up at work?

Of course it did. Otherwise I would have been there.

Look, what's this about?

Greg, Sammy asked me to speak with you, as a friend,

because she's worried and...

..she thinks you're lying to her.

-I'm not.

-OK.

You told her you'd just done a double shift.

You and I know it's illegal to do a third shift. So?

-This is none of your business.

-Hey.

Greg, she's suffering from post-natal depression.

She's thinking of going back to Sweden, with Ruh.

Come on.

I...I don't understand.

She thinks she's losing you and she doesn't understand why.

She's not losing me.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for Sam or Ruh.

-They're the most important things in my life.

-OK.

I know that. So, what's going on?

I've, erm...

I've been having these nightmares.

They're the worst nightmares I've ever had.

Basically we've lost Ruh and she's been replaced with a plastic doll

and I have to pretend that everything is fine...

..and it's not.

-And I, erm...

-Hey. It's...

-It's OK.

-I need to leave. Yeah?

PHONE BUZZES

Absolutely not.

Well, I can't talk to her. I don't know what to say.

Well, tell her you're worried about her memory,

her friends are worried about her, and what does she think.

She's my mother! It doesn't work like that.

-I'm not taking her on as a patient.

-A temporary patient!

Any kind of patient. I'd feel uncomfortable.

-I'm sorry, I can't do it.

-Fine, it's, er, it's not a problem.

I'm sure that I'll be able to find someone who is more

than willing to help me.

Sidney, you know how much I respect you.

You're one of the finest GPS I know.

Nice try, mate, but no thank you.

It's not a problem, cos my first choice was actually... It was...

It was actually you, Emma.

-Was it really?

-Yeah.

Al, you are going to have to deal with this on your own.

No-one at the Mill is going to want to take on one of your relatives.

They're just not.

I got scared. I needed you.

It's all right. I'm here now.

-You're doing great.

-Am I?

Of course you are.

Look at you, sat here.

I'm so proud of you.

Hey, Greg.

You read the text?

Who's this?

This is Ruhma.

Ruhma, this is Della, my sister.

-I didn't know you had a sister.

-Not many people do.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Ruhma, who the baby's named after?

-That's right.

Ruhma is the midwife that helped Sammy give birth to Ruh.

I'd love to be a midwife.

-You get to see lots of babies, right?

-Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I love babies.

Is that your baby?

Yeah.

-Her name's Jenny.

-Nice.

PIRATE MUSIC PLAYS

-1. No number. No number.

-7.

-Cool. Where do we need to go?

Mummy. It's here.

Well done.

-Four plus six. Ten!

-Go.

15 plus 8.

-23.

-Perfect. Let's go.

OK.

"Congratulations, you have beaten the Dread Pirate Dibble to the treasure.

"Come to the Abbey Suite with the contents of this envelope."

-That's our room!

-Sure is. Open it.

"You are invited to a private viewing of The Pirate King."

-BOTH:

-Yes!

Sammy's never mentioned her.

-She don't know she exists.

-What?

Della's our family secret.

Never to be mentioned.

Can't go against the family. Can't tell your wife.

-Nobody must know.

-But why? She's... Greg, she's your sister.

She's more than that.

She's my twin.

We were the first-borns.

Always had each other.

Inseparable.

Then the family got bigger.

Something shifted in Della.

Small things at first - not eating green foods,

doing odd things at school.

Like what?

She used to wear this cagoule under her blazer,

refused to take it off, said she was cold.

It used to scare me.

I didn't know how serious it was.

She was just my embarrassing twin sister and I pushed her away.

The birds have eaten all my sandwiches, the greedy guts.

And them geese are bullies - they've snatched it

-before the ducks can get any.

-That's geese for you.

I'm starving. Can we get something to eat?

Yeah, sure. We can go to the cafe if you like? Have you got time?

Well, I've got to be back by five. Are you coming, Ruhma?

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to. I'm starving as well.

You can get us both chips if you like? Your treat.

Cheeky. I'll go and get Jenny then.

You seem close now?

It took a long time.

What happened, Greg?

I was 15.

One night, I woke up to my mum screaming.

Della had heard voices in the night

saying that our baby sister Jenny was cold.

They found her body in Della's bed, wrapped in blankets,

Della's blazer and her cagoule.

She'd overheated.

She was just three months old.

Hearties, come in! The show's about to start.

-Come and enjoy your treasure!

-I don't believe it.

-This is the best holiday ever!

-Is it? Yes!

Well done.

-OK, final offer.

-Come in.

I don't interfere in any way. I don't ask about her.

I pretend it's not even happening.

HE SIGHS

But, Heston, please, I am desperate.

Pretty please, with sugar on top.

Four and 20 pleases, baked in a pie,

will you please see my mother as a patient?

OK.

Thank you.

Mmm.

So, does she remember what she did?

She's spent most her life in a secure unit trying to come to terms with it.

She knows she's a paranoid schizophrenic,

that she'll always be medicated.

She knows she'll always struggle to lead a normal life.

It's hard.

It's not all bad.

She recently moved to a monitored unit in town.

This is her first trip out, it's a big step for her.

She was nervous, but she's doing well.

-She's lucky to have you, Greg.

-Maybe.

So, does the rest of the family, do they have any contact with her?

My mum sometimes sees her, but they'd rather she didn't exist.

But she does.

I should have told Sammy about this ages ago.

-Right, so, why didn't you?

-I don't know.

My family put pressure on me and...

..how can I now?

What?

What does that mean?

What if it's in me?

The illness?

What if it's in Ruh?

You know, sometimes I'm even scared to hold her.

PHONE RINGS

Damn, it's Sammy. I can't talk to her now.

Right. Well, you are going to have to say something.

-We used to call him Gibbon.

-You didn't?

-We did!

He was such a hairy baby. Hair right down to his...

Mother!

-There he is. I was just telling... Oh...

-Valerie.

..Valerie all about you.

-Well, I'm sure she's heard more than enough.

-Oh, no, I could hear more.

Well, you're not going to. Thank you, Valerie, and goodbye.

Oh, right. Well, I'm being dismissed.

I think you are. Thank you for the grand tour.

Oh, my pleasure. It was lovely to meet you.

Goodbye, Dr Haskey.

-I like her. She's fun.

-She's an acquired taste.

-You're lucky.

-Am I?

-Working in this lovely place.

-It's just a surgery, Mum.

Surrounded by all these nice people. Count your blessings.

-Did you get your "thing" done?

-I did.

I got the shopping done. Let's go home and eat, I'm famished.

Could you help me on with my coat?

Actually, erm, there is someone else I'd like you to meet.

Jenny isn't real, you know?

There was a real Jenny...

..but...

I know it's odd, me walking around with a doll,

but my therapist says if it helps, it isn't harming.

And it does.

She makes me feel good.

Like Greg.

Why didn't you tell me?

I lost the moment.

And you got pregnant...

How could I?

How do I start that conversation?

"Ooh, how was your day?

"Ooh, by the way, I have this twin who's, er,

"lovely and beautiful, but she's got this illness.

"And she did this thing,

"this one awful thing that my family can't forgive her for and..."

No. Stop.

You just tell me.

What are we going to do with you, huh?

Give me a shake?

THEY LAUGH

She's here?

She's with Ruhma.

Do you?

-Sorry, what?

-Do you want some more ketchup?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm fine.

I love ketchup - savoury and sweet. Two things at the same time,

like it doesn't know what it wants to be.

Where's Greg?

-Erm, I'm not really sure.

-Well, he better hurry up.

I've got to be back soon. I'm only allowed to be here for a couple of hours.

Della. I think he's meeting someone.

-Who?

-Well...

Me.

Who are you?

I'm, er...

..Sammy.

I... I didn't know I was meeting you today.

Nor did I.

I'm Della, Greg's sister.

I can see.

You have his eyes.

Do I?

Is that Ruh?

Can I see her?

Oh.

Oh, she's so cute! Look, Ruhma, she's so sweet.

She is, isn't she?

You can say hello, if you like.

No, I don't want to. Not today, thank you.

-I just want to look, if that's OK?

-Of course.

Do you know why you're here?

Let me make it easier.

If I tell you that I know I'm losing my memory,

-will you promise not to do the stout shoes test?

-I will.

I'm losing my memory.

How long have you known?

Well, "known" is putting it a bit strongly.

"Suspected" is more like it.

At first, I thought it was just to do with getting older,

and grieving, but...

..recently I've noticed a real change.

I... I can't do the crossword as easily.

Sometimes I have to look up the recipes of things

I've been cooking for 30 years.

-Have you told your doctor?

-I'm not ready.

And I haven't discussed this with Alasdair.

Why not?

Well, you know what he's like. I don't want it becoming a thing yet.

I don't want it dissected and medicalised,

I want to come to terms with it in my own way.

I understand that,

but the sooner you face up to it, the more options we have -

-stabilising medicines...

-Yes, I hear you.

And thank you for trying, but in my own time.

Do you like quiche?

Why does Daddy always fall asleep?

Well, I think it's rather exhausting being Captain.

You enjoyed today, didn't you?

You did too.

I enjoyed being with you guys.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. You're in big trouble now.

Cos you've only gone and woken up the Captain!

Now I'm going to turn into the biggest, baddest wolf ever!

Come on, Joe, run, let's go!

SCREAMING AND GIGGLING

Ooh, all done? So, er, how did we get on?

-Very well.

-Great. Great. Anything to report?

Yes. Dr Carter is an outstanding cook. His quiche is delicious.

-Quiche?

-Remember it's the bell peppers that bring out the sweetness.

I might put a couple in my cheese and onion pie.

Although he won't thank me - he hates change.

We ought to be going, so...

Goodbye, Dr Carter. And thank you.

-You are welcome. And a pleasure to meet you, Mrs Haskey.

-Ah...

Alasdair, close your mouth - you look gormless. Let's go.

If Mrs Lewsey is in so much pain,

why would she miss her medication briefing?

I just need to sort out the rest of my life.

So, I've just got to go.

-Right.

-Make your own video.

Say what you want to say, how you want to say it.

You're four hours away.

How am I supposed to look after you when you're four hours away?