A Tale of Two Kittys Doctors

CHILD SCREAMS

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

Daniel?!

It's OK. It's OK.

Joe just had a bad dream.

But he's all right now, aren't you?

Right. Who wants breakfast?

-Oh, good morning. How can I help?

-I would like to make an appointment.

Right.

Ah, well, Dr Reid has a drop-in but it might be a bit of a wait.

It's that time of year, I'm afraid.

So, if you'd like to call us up later,

maybe things will have quietened down.

Oh... I can't really make calls at the moment.

Is it all right if I just sit and wait? I've got time.

Yeah, sure. Can I take a name?

Er, Kitty Birch.

Well, it's Kate Birch really, but everyone calls me Kitty.

Oh, right. Great.

That's lovely, Kitty. Take a seat.

Thanks.

-What are you watching?

-It's...nothing.

-Show me.

Can I help you?

Were you watching...?

No! I'm at work, Eesh. Don't be daft.

You were watching yourself?

Only to check my online view count, that's all. Look, check it out.

-Wow. That's more than I expected.

-Mm.

You didn't even have to do a Heston and drop your pants.

-I know, right?

-So what have you got planned for the follow-up?

-The what?

-You have got something lined up, right?

Before you lose your audience?

KITTY'S STOMACH RUMBLES

Oh, sorry.

There's a shop round the corner if you'd like to grab a bite.

-I'm OK.

-Day off work?

-Er, No. I...um...

-I've actually just, er...

-Hi. Kitty Cosgrove.

I'm here to collect a repeat prescription.

Okey doke. Could I just get a date of birth?

14th of October...

Kitty?

-Kitty?

-Hey.

Oh! Oh, my gosh! How are you?

So, which one's Kitty?

We both are.

-We were at school together.

-Oh!

Gosh, it's been years! How are you?

I mean, are you all right?

You're not in for anything serious, are you?

Oh, no. I'm fine. Getting by. You?

Oh, just a bit of backache, but I'm marvellous. Really well, thanks.

So what have you been up to?

Lost something?

Er, no. Joe has. His little robot superhero thing.

-Well, it's definitely here. You had it yesterday.

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

There's no need to hang up.

It's just my mum. I'll call her back.

Hey. It's definitely here. Everything is in this suite

somewhere so there's no need to rush.

Yeah, everything is in this suite. That's the problem.

All three of us squashed in together.

Sorry.

His nightmare was about you.

I just want him to feel safe again, that's all.

Please, just go and have a shower.

And I will get dressed and make a proper go of finding it.

-Do you like the sound of that, Joe?

-OK.

OK. You see? Sound advice.

Well, it's just a little boutique-y business, but we've been lucky

enough to work on some really fabulous gardens.

Mostly Jeremy's friends, although we did get to do a little tidy-up

at Greenbank Castle. It's a lovely job. Have you been?

Er, no.

Oh, it's a really lovely place. Gosh, listen to me, prattling on.

What about you? What have you been up to?

Uh... I, um... I'm between jobs at the moment. Yeah.

Still trying to find my thing.

And what happened with...Darren, was it?

Oh! Yeah... No. That didn't last.

Ah, well. You know, I always thought you could do better.

Um. Sorry.

Just to say, it does look like Dr Reid will be able

to squeeze you in shortly, so don't go anywhere.

I should press on. But we should hook up.

What's your number?

Er, I'm actually between phones at the moment, too.

Oh. Well...

..this is me.

You know who to call if you ever want any landscaping done.

-Thanks.

-Oh, don't forget your prescription.

-Oh!

It's lovely to see you again. Bye.

Yeah. Bye.

-That was a coincidence.

-Yeah.

-Were you two very close?

-Used to be.

Ah-ha!

Trapped in the cosmic cookie zone! Whoosh!

-Thanks.

-You want to go swimming now?

You can take some of your toys if you want.

No! I want to stay with Mummy.

-Well, you should enjoy the pool while you still can.

-No.

I'm staying here.

Crisis averted at least.

Well, for how long?

I won't be able to solve everything once I'm in court.

I'll be going in with you.

Since when? He can't be in there with us, Daniel.

Of course. We'll get someone to look after him.

-Who?

-The family liaison officer.

A total stranger?

OK, how about Hayley? Or Karen?

You know how difficult it is to book Hayley, even for an evening.

And Karen's got Lily and the baby.

OK, but if the worst comes to the worst

I'm sure that they will look after him.

For how long? You know how these things drag on.

OK. Fine. I'll look after him.

It'll be me, Joe and the super robot thing.

Whatever you want.

Hey, Val. Do you know where the delivery box is?

Ah. I wasn't sure so I unboxed some of it.

It's on the big sort of square-ish shelf.

-Actually, it's probably better if I show you.

-Great.

I don't know what to do, Eesh.

About?

The sequel. My vlog.

What do YOU think I should do?

-You want me to give you some more ideas?

-Please.

I don't really have any. It's not my vlog, is it?

I was thinking maybe I could do some, you know,

funny stories from when I was at med school.

You know, act them out.

One time I got stuck in a supply cupboard overnight and then

I ended up eating a load of mints

-cos that's all there was, then they gave me stomach cramps.

-HE LAUGHS

Or not.

Or we could just use it to push a campaign.

You know, like do more exercise or stay hydrated...

We could find a challenge to go viral!

You know, instead of the ice-bucket challenge, we could...

stick a load of pants on or something.

What do pants have to do with hydration?

-Good point.

-Maybe that was your 15 minutes.

-No!

You're a one-hit wonder, Sid.

Letherbridge's answer to Chesney Hawkes.

That's it!

What is?

You've only gone and done it, haven't you, Eesh? Thank you!

HE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

No. It's definitely not working. I'm going to go and ask for another.

-Don't go!

-Joe, darling. I'm just going downstairs.

-I'll go.

-No. I cannot stay in here all the time.

Joe, I'm going to be fine. There are policemen everywhere.

Stay here!

Do you want to come with me? Would that help?

OK, come on.

OK. What's your diet like?

It's not great, if I'm honest. Jobseeker's only goes so far.

I need that money for the bus,

and I've got to get my phone fixed at the moment.

But you really think that's all it is,

that I'm just not eating well enough?

Well, I can't say for sure.

You know, your headaches, the dizziness, the cramps,

it could be a result of any number of things.

So I'd like to do some blood tests, if that's all right.

-And then just get a clearer picture.

-Right.

What I can say, though, Kate,

is that it's really important that you eat well.

Well, I do use the food banks.

And I try and eat well and make it last.

I just want to make sure that you're looking after yourself

as best you can.

I will. I know I will.

I just need to find a job

and then everything else will sort itself out.

OK. Right, well, let's get those blood tests sorted out, shall we?

So...I've had a little bit of an idea.

-Well, it was actually Eesh's idea.

-What idea?

-Christmas song.

-That is definitely not my idea.

We can get everyone together

and we can do, like, a novelty, one-hit wonder Christmas hit,

-you know?

-Er, for the record, never had an idea like this. At all.

And we can do a video to go with it.

You know, like Slade, or Wizzard, or Johnny Mathis?

I really don't think this is a good idea.

-This is a very busy time of year.

-Yeah, but it's for a good cause.

What, your ego?

This is not about me, OK? It's for charity.

And you can decide who the money goes to.

Come on, it'll be some proper, old-fashioned Christmas goodwill,

like Christmas Carol was.

-Well, if you are sure it will raise...

-110%, Mrs Tembe.

Right. Well, if you can get everybody on board,

I have no real objections. But it cannot interfere with work!

It won't. Thank you. Thank you, Mrs Tembe!

It's going to be brilliant!

Just to be clear. Nothing to do with me.

-Is it OK if I just...?

-Sorry, just a moment. Yeah. No.

What it actually says on the invoice is white two-ply

but what's been delivered is quilted with aloe vera

in eggshell blue.

Yeah, no, I just want to check we're not being charged extra.

Oh, that's lovely. Yeah.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

-I'm sorry, can I just...?

-I knew it. You thief!

Right. Let's get that tea sorted.

-Did you call Marion back?

-It can wait.

-I think you should call her.

-What?

All she'll do is work herself up into a state and send us

some kind of food parcel.

I think you should call her and you should ask if you and Joe

could go and stay with her.

You saw what kind of a mess he got into earlier

when you tried to leave the room without him.

What's he going to be like if you're not even in the same country?

He's stronger than that.

When we first took him to nursery he was in floods of tears,

but then by the time we picked him up he was as happy as anything

and telling us what a brilliant day he had.

In Crete, I won't be there to remind him all the time.

Hm. Or he won't be here to remind you, is that it?

What's that supposed to mean?

I just think YOU'RE the one who's not coping, not us.

-Because you shouldn't be here.

-He is having nightmares!

He has them at home. He'll probably have them in Crete.

Why do I get the feeling you just won't listen to me on this?

Right, I want to help. He wants to stay.

We're stronger if we stick together.

Why are you pushing us away?

It is not helping with you constantly jabbing at me, Daniel!

-Stop shouting!

-I am sorry. I am so sorry, darling.

See?

We cannot stay cooped up together any longer.

This isn't an easy solution for me, Daniel.

But you said that you would support me. And this is how.

Please.

I didn't steal it, OK?

Yeah. You said. You found it on the floor.

Do I look like the sort of person who just throws their purse around?

-I swear.

-I'm supposed to believe that I dropped it

then you found it and took it in to see the doctor?

The desk was empty. I didn't want to just leave it.

I mean, think about it. Why would I nick your purse?

You know me. We used to be friends.

And she's not exactly being very discreet about it.

In fact, I think she was trying to give it back to me when you came in.

I promise. I was trying to hand it in.

Well.

Seeing as I've got it back and no-one actually saw anything,

I suppose I can let it go.

It's just a silly misunderstanding.

Except there was a £20 note in here this morning.

And now it's gone.

-Al. There you are. OK. How do you like the sound of...?

-No.

But I haven't even said what it is yet.

And somehow I know it's going to be a waste of my time.

-Fine. Emma, you'll be up for it, though, won't you?

-I doubt it.

You two don't even know what you're missing out on yet.

-Come on, it's going to be great, honest.

-Go on, then. Let's hear it.

OK. This Christmas, we do a charity single, with a video!

-No.

-No.

-But...

-Waste of our time.

-Not on your life.

How about if I put you down as a maybe, then, yeah?

You saw how I was living

and you thought you'd snatch a bit for yourself.

Is this about the nail salon? Is that it?

We made that promise when we were 11 years old, Kitty.

-It was never going to happen.

-Well, you're the one bringing it up.

I never even think about this stuff.

I've got too much else to worry about, thanks.

Exactly. Look at you. Of course you'd steal my money.

I really think this should stop now.

I took that cash out this morning. I know what I had.

If it makes it any easier, I can just call the police.

Look, I don't know what's going on here

-but I'm going to have to ask both of you to take this outside...

-No!

Fine. OK. Fine, fine. I'll do it but I want to stand at the back.

Don't put me in the centre, or at the front or anything.

-Cos that Christmas carol, that was hard enough.

-Deal.

How are you going to stand at the back when there's only two of you?

-What?

-What? You're doing it, aren't you?

I've not said anything. You might have assumed, but...

No, no. Eesh, Eesh. I need you. Come on.

-I want a full banquet at the Golden Temple. And drinks.

-Deal.

-I'm only miming, though.

-What? That's no good, is it?

I'm not singing. Not ever. Not since Mr Castle told me

-I sounded like a dog stuck in a traffic cone.

-OK, who's Mr Castle?

-My music teacher.

-How long ago was that, then?

About 20 years ago but it makes no difference.

-They're my terms. Deal with it.

-I want prawn crackers.

Fine. OK, OK. Fine. Right, so that's you two.

Valerie's going to be an easy yeah. So that's four of us already. Sweet!

OK, please, can we just calm down?

I want my money back, or I'm calling the police.

Don't call the police. Please, Kitty. We're mates.

-Suit yourself.

-Look, I think you're taking this a little far.

-Listen...

-If no-one else is going to take this seriously...

Stop, I really think that you should just...

-It was me.

-What?

-What?!

I took the money.

Come on.

I'm basically telling you to take a holiday and you're refusing.

Why would I want to be away from you at a time like this?

We shouldn't be clinging to each other at a moment like this,

we should be taking action.

By sending us away?

Please. For me.

I need you thousands of miles away and safe.

I'll have a clearer head, and you and Joe can get a normal life back.

Daniel?

It goes against all my instincts. You know, we should be together.

I know.

OK.

OK.

Well, you see, the money wasn't actually with the purse.

I didn't even notice the purse

cos it's the same colour as the carpet.

So to me it was just money on the floor,

and who doesn't like free money?

-Technically it's lost property.

-Technically it's my property.

Well, it was only going towards the surgery Christmas party.

Well. It's now going to go back into my purse.

I think perhaps you owe your friend an apology.

Oh, it's OK. Let's just forget about it.

Good idea.

Now, if I can just get my repeat prescription, I'll be out of here.

Sorry?

-I came in for a repeat prescription.

-I gave that to you already.

Is this a joke?

-Valerie?

-I swear on Geoffrey's life. It's in your bag.

Listen, it's going to be warmer and you'll get to play outside.

And Grandma's cooking is brilliant.

So much better than anything you can get here.

Listen to me. I've got a secret, right?

I've got something really important that I need you to do for me.

Don't tell Daddy.

Daddy needs to be looked after.

I need someone to look after him for me

to make sure he's OK. Because I'm not going to be there.

So you need to help me, Joe. It's really important.

I need you to put on a big brave smile,

and then Daddy will be able to feel big and brave, too.

-Can you do that for me?

-Yes.

My big, brave boy. I love you.

Yes. Actually, I remember, I was in the chemist

when I realised I didn't have my purse.

And you did nearly forget your prescription.

You know, when you were handing over your business card.

That must have been when you dropped it.

But I still remembered I had the £20.

Ah, I've got a little confession to make.

Oh, what now?

-I didn't actually find the 20 on the floor.

-What?

No. That 20 that I just gave you back. That's actually mine.

Then why did you say you stole it?

I don't know. Because you kept accusing Kate of stealing it

and I just wanted it to stop.

So you're saying I forgot I spent £20?

Look, can I ask, have you been having memory problems generally?

Well, I don't know, I... I'm not ill, am I?

No, no. Not necessarily.

It may just be a side effect from the painkillers you're on.

But we could change the prescription and see if that helps.

I don't know what to say. I mean, I am so...so sorry.

Why don't you come back with me and we'll have a chat about it?

I think I need some fresh air.

Oh, Valerie. Just a quick one.

You'd be up for helping with the Christmas charity single,

-wouldn't you?

-Oh. No, no, no. No, no, I don't think so.

-What? Why?

-Well, you know, I have had my brush with stardom.

I used to be in a singing duo called Dark 'N' Stormy. I was Stormy.

-But...

-But I just think that novelty songs are just...

-What?

-..just a bit tragic. And I'm better than that. Sorry.

Listen, I am so sorry I made such a mess of things in there.

It's just she was being

so rude to you, waving her accusations all over the place.

-I just wanted it to stop. I hope I didn't cause offence.

-It's OK.

She's such a bully. And judgmental.

I mean, theft is no small thing.

I once got accused of shoplifting, at Woolies, but it was only

cos I had a funny walk because I'd had a ride on a seaside donkey.

They thought I'd slipped a seven-inch under my skirt.

A record.

Oh, right. Well, we all make mistakes.

I don't want to talk about it.

Kitty, I was an idiot.

I'm the worst.

I was really raging at you.

If it's any excuse, this backache has turned me into a real pig,

painkillers or not.

Hopefully these new drugs will sort me out.

I hope so. Just forget about it.

No, I really want to say sorry.

Now, you say you're in between jobs at the moment.

Well, we're taking on new gardeners.

If you want an interview, why don't you come and see me tomorrow

and we can set something up?

-I gave you my card, didn't I?

-Er, yeah. But...

Well, then come to that address. We'll sort it out.

-That's really nice of you.

-I can't.

Well, if tomorrow's no good then we'll do something else.

I can't accept it.

You were right.

I did take your money.

Sorry, what?

OK. That's us.

As soon as this is over, the very minute I can get out of here

-we'll be back together.

-I can't wait.

Don't get fat out there. You know what your mother's like.

I can't promise anything. And look, I'm sorry, OK?

I'm... I was wrong. You're right to do this.

I shouldn't have tried to talk you out of it.

Oh.

-OK. Come here.

-The three of us.

I didn't think you'd miss it.

Just to look at you, I could tell that £20 would go

so much further for me than it would for you.

It would mean I could get my phone fixed,

then I could start getting job interviews again.

I've been out of work for nearly a year now

and I just need a break. Just one break.

-I don't ever steal, ever...

-You did today.

Yeah, but I just kept telling myself that I didn't steal it,

that I just found it. And that..

You let this woman come to your defence.

Yeah, but I didn't know she was just going to jump in like that.

Everybody was talking over me. You did it just now. Everybody does it.

Sorry.

Well, listen...

Kitty, for old time's sake, I'm not going to involve the police,

but you must understand...

..I can't possibly offer you a job after this dishonesty.

-Hopefully you'll learn something from this.

-Oh, really.

And you should count yourself lucky I'm not making a complaint.

Goodbye, Kitty.

How are you feeling?

Like an idiot. I should have spoken up

as soon as it all kicked off.

But I couldn't stand up for myself.

I'm sorry. I've got a big mouth at the best of times.

Yeah, well, not any more.

I'm not going to be told to stand in line, or be put on hold,

or wait over there. Not without having my say first.

Good for you. Get some of that fight back.

But in the meantime, here's a little something to help you along.

No. I can't. I don't deserve it.

Look, if I hadn't have jumped in you would have told her.

It's my fault this is all such a mess.

It's my fault. I stole from her.

Yeah, and I don't think you'll do anything like that ever again.

But £20 or not, she should not have spoken to you like that.

She was horrible.

I don't think she could have been a very good friend.

She was always Kitty. I was just the other Kitty.

So take it. One in the eye for rubbish Kitty.

I can't.

Go on, it's Christmas. Use it to fix your phone.

As soon as I've got some money I'll come back and repay you, I promise.

I will get work. I mean it.

I'm sure you will. And listen, this isn't just a hand-out.

It's... it's a second chance.

-Thank you.

-Good luck.

I have heard some absurd nonsense today.

But you, rewarding that woman's criminal behaviour?

Valerie, you take the biscuit.

"Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.

"It is a far, far better rest I go to, than I have ever known."

All right, Charles Dickens. So what happened to the other 20 quid?

-What?

-The one that you pretended to steal.

The one that the posh woman took home with her?

Oh...

Maybe just do a duet. Rocking Around The Christmas Tree?

I give up.

I'm in.

-You are?

-Yeah, but none of this novelty karaoke stuff.

Sidney, hold on to your lugholes.

I am going to write you the biggest,

the bestest Christmas number one you have ever heard.

SHE SOBS

SOBBING: Joe...

Where are you going?

No, it's all right. I'm not going anywhere. I just...

PHONE RINGS I won't leave the grounds, I just wanted some air.

-I've just got to take this call.

-All right.

Goldilocks. Wake up!

Don't hurt me.

-What?

-I want to talk to you about Jesus.

No, thank you. I'm a Jedi.

-Oh, come on!

-Mine is broken.

And I'm going to bring it back.

Wake up, stupid!

-THUD

-Oh, for goodness...