Fairy Tales Doctors

Help! Help! Stop! Stop!

Help! Help!

Are you OK?

Are you OK?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Right. It's OK... Are you OK?

SHE PANTS

All right...

Jeez.

All right. Just calm down.

SHE GASPS

PHONE RINGS

Hi. Everything OK?

Yes, fine.

How are you?

Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine.

Zara?

I, yeah. Er...hello.

Has something happened? Do you want me to come back?

No, erm... Everything's fine.

I just... I was just checking in.

It's going to be over soon, darling.

I know.

Have a good flight.

Give Joe a kiss from me.

I will. I will. Listen, good luck tomorrow.

Love you.

Love you too. Bye.

PHONE RINGS

Why are you calling me? You're, like, three metres away from me.

No, ma'am, you are mistaken.

You remember how yesterday I worked so late?

Well, the new rules say I get this afternoon off.

Huh, all right for some.

Oh, I am more than happy to gloat about it,

if you've got the time to listen.

Well, I think I'm going

to spend pretty much all the afternoon on my sofa.

I'm going to eat my dinner there and watch really loud movies.

But...I need to ask a favour of you.

Go on.

-Porridge?

-What?

Porridge. Someone...has been eating...my...

It's all over the floor.

Maybe skip the DVD and do some cleaning up, yeah?

Ayesha, I think someone's been here.

Seriously?

Oh, great. The kitchen window is wide open.

Is anything missing?

It's kind of difficult to say. I haven't tidied for a while.

Erm...

Well, the TV's here. That's a good sign.

-Well, there you go.

-Maybe I left the window open myself.

OK, then, I'm going to go. Bye, Al.

No, no, wait, I haven't asked you the favour yet...

PHONE GOES DEAD

SNORING

Sorry, Zara, I was on another call.

The gang found me. They know where I am.

I know, that's what the call was about. Don't panic.

I know, I know.

-How long will you be? Tom? Tom?

-I'm coming to get you.

DOOR KNOCKS

Sorry, I lost you in the lift.

Listen, this should never have happened. But it's going to be OK.

-Suitcase?

-Yes.

Right, it's just scare tactics, that's all it is.

Because you go to court on Monday. But it's going to be fine.

-How can you say that? How did they even know where I was?

-We're looking into it.

But I'm here now, and I'm taking you to another hotel.

OK.

This one's going to be perfect. Trust me.

Wake up.

Oi! Wake up!

Not yet, Mum. Five more minutes.

Goldilocks, wake up!

Don't hurt me!

What are you doing in my house?!

This is my house. You are in my bed!

What?

I said, this is my house and you are in my bed.

Who are you?

Fine. I'll ask the police who you are.

Don't. It's not like I've even taken anything yet.

What do you mean, "yet"?

Sorry. I'm nervous. Please, just let me go.

Hey, you like Superman.

I like Superman.

Everybody likes Superman.

Look, you can't keep me here.

What's to stop me from leaving, anyway?

AL PANTS

Right. This is very stressful. Could I have a glass of water?

Oh, course. Where are my manners?

Do you want me to cook you dinner? Run you a bath?

Actually - wait, you're not serious, are you?

What's with that porridge?

Is that like your trademark - you're the, the Goldilocks burglar?

-Do you think that's funny?

-I was hungry.

-You didn't eat it.

-Well, the first one had fruit in it.

And the next one was too hot.

So I just sat down for a moment, because I was feeling light-headed.

And the next thing I know...

Shut up! You are the worst burglar ever.

-That's harsh.

-It's true, though, isn't it?

Don't, please. I haven't been doing this long.

-Oh, you don't say.

-I've been going through a bad time.

I was at college, I had to drop out.

I've got my student loan to pay off. I can't get a job.

Well, you can give your sob story to the police when they get here.

BELL RINGS

Oh, please just let me go. I'll pay for the porridge.

Are you alone? Are you here with someone?

No, it's just me.

-What?

-I want to talk to you about Jesus.

No, thank you, I'm a Jedi.

What? Really?!

Is 38p enough?

Hey, Eesh. Sorry, I won't be long.

It's fine.

What is it that music teacher said about your singing?

Did he say that you sounded like... a dog in a blender?

A dog in a traffic cone.

Yeah. He made me mime and stand at the back.

Yeah, that's awful, isn't it?

Well, my singing was worse. Apparently.

Yeah, I just hate that sort of attitude.

Because teachers, they're there to encourage you, aren't they?

Everyone can sing.

It's all right for you. You had a solo in A Christmas Carol.

My music teacher used to make me sing soprano.

And then tell me off because I couldn't hit those high notes.

Realised I was an alto. Ha!

Yeah. You should, er, just give it a go.

What's the worst that's going to happen?

People might hear me?

That's a lot of breast pads. What's the occasion?

I just like to, you know, pop a few extras in, just in case.

-Well, that should do it.

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep going.

All right, if I let you go,

how do I know you're not just going to go and rob someone else, huh?

I promise, I won't.

PHONE RINGS

-Is that the police?

-Yeah, yeah.

The police ring me every afternoon, to make sure I'm not being robbed.

Hello?

Hey. What was the favour? You forgot to say.

Oh, yeah. Can you turn my computer off for me, please?

Is that it? Oh, did you clean your house?

No. Funnily enough, I didn't.

You see, there's an intruder in my house.

What? No way.

Oh, yes way. Better still, he was asleep on my bed.

Creepy. Where is he now?

Oh, he's still here.

He's still there? Al, do you want me to call the police?

Nah. He's, he's a pathetically scrawny specimen.

Hey.

What kind of idiot falls asleep when robbing a house?

HE LAUGHS

She asked, what kind of an idiot falls asleep

when he's robbing a house?

Yeah, tell me about it. What's the opposite of a criminal mastermind?

-That's just rude.

-What are you going to do with him?

I don't know. I'm, I'm considering letting him go.

Are you sure?

Mmm. You can't see him. There's no way he'd survive in prison.

OK, well, look I've got to go. Erm, just be careful, yeah?

This isn't the first criminal I've dealt with.

PHONE GOES DEAD

And she's gone.

So are you are going to let me go, then?

Am I going to let you go...?

Yeah, I've got things to be getting on with.

-Get out.

-Thank you. Thank you so much.

Take your coat with you.

THUD

What's up? You don't like it?

No, it's fine.

I was just thinking about how the gang could have found me.

Well, like I said, we're looking into that.

So it could be someone in the police.

Or it could be staff at the hotel.

You don't have to worry about that.

I'm the only one who knows where you are.

Right. So, why did we come here such a strange route?

Strange?

Well, yes. You said you knew where we were going, but we were driving

all over the place, like you were just making it up as you went along.

You think I'm the leak?

I don't know what to think.

Because, if I was, you wouldn't have made it here.

No.

I could have driven you into a lay-by or an industrial estate

-and that would be that.

-Yes.

And if you don't trust someone,

you probably shouldn't be getting into a car with them.

Relax. I was just making sure we weren't being followed.

Of course.

Page one of the witness protection manual. Drive in a wiggly line.

I'm sorry. I just don't understand how any of this has happened.

It's fine. If I were you, I probably wouldn't trust me either.

Right, let's get you checked in and then I think

we could both do with a drink.

You were about to let me go.

That's when I thought that you were just a harmless idiot.

I am. I really am.

You broke into my house armed.

Not really. It does all sorts - there's a corkscrew, a screwdriver...

I don't want to be stabbed by either of those.

If I wanted to stab you, there are much better knives in the kitchen.

What are you doing looking though my knives?

Scissors. I wanted scissors. For the porridge.

No, no, no, no. You rip those packets open.

-I didn't know.

-Then read the instructions!

I was stressed!

Can I have my knife back now, please?

-No. No, you can't.

-My dad gave it to me.

When I was in the Scouts. He's dead, OK.

I promise - I wasn't going to hurt anyone.

Well, you might think that.

But just the fact that you're carrying one of those things around

increases the chances that bad things might happen.

What if I'd have attacked you?

Would you have not defended yourself?

-No.

-Really? If I'd have come at you with a baseball bat,

or...or with a gun that I keep under my bed?

You've got a gun?!

No, but I'm asking, you know, what if...?

-Oh.

-You know what, I am calling the police.

I don't know why I didn't do this in the first place.

Ridiculous way to spend my afternoon...

Really?!

Pinot grigio.

Close enough.

Actually, it's perfect. You're not having one?

Still on duty. At least until backup arrive.

And don't worry. They are officers I've worked with before.

We'll get you to court in one piece.

-Good to know.

-Have you spoken to Daniel?

I didn't tell him what happened.

They're in the right place.

I know.

You're lucky to have them.

I think you would have preferred a witness with less baggage.

Well, it's easier to protect just one of you.

But Daniel and Joe are what make you such a great witness.

I don't think you'd have a witness if not for Daniel and Joe.

They make me the sort of person who would speak up.

I thought it would be pretty tough to keep you quiet.

Ha-ha. Before I met Daniel, I was quite a different person.

Way more selfish.

Well, we can all be selfish.

I'm having chips and you're not having any.

SHE CHUCKLES

I would have weighed up the pros and cons.

And I would have decided that speaking to the police would

have caused way too much disruption to my life.

And you'd be right.

I like the sound of this other you.

Shame I never met her.

Wake up. Come on.

Wakey, wakey.

Oh, Mum, stop it.

WAKE UP, BOY!

Do you, by any chance, still live with your mum?

Maybe. No.

How long have you been falling asleep like this?

I wasn't asleep.

What?! You literally just fell asleep in front of me.

And that's very rude because,

I'll have you know, I'm an interesting man.

-I must have been tired.

-How many hours do you sleep a night?

The usual.

How many units of alcohol do you drink a week?

I don't know. Why are you asking me all these questions?

Because I think there is something seriously wrong with you.

Stop insulting me.

I meant medically. I mean, as well as the other thing.

Would you say you have a normal sleeping pattern?

I was a student. Students sleep a lot, don't they?

Right, define "a lot".

-Do you sleep in the middle of the day?

-I'm unemployed.

There's not much point in having early nights

when I don't HAVE to go to work.

Hey, cool your jets. I'm trying to help you.

Well, don't. What makes you such an expert, anyway?

I'm a doctor. At The Mill Health Centre.

No way. I'm registered there!

Could you pretend I didn't say that?

Hey.

Er, hey.

So, anyway, I found your stash in the cupboard.

That's quite the haul.

You're not selling NHS supplies on the black market, are you?

No, of course I'm not.

All right, I was only... I was only joking.

Yeah, because I wouldn't do something like that.

OK, but it is a bit weird.

I mean, that's generally more stuff than we need for a visit.

Yeah, because my needs are different to yours.

What I use on my visits is different. OK?

Right. Sorry. My bad.

I just want to go now, OK. I'm fine.

So, go.

You're going to call the police, aren't you?

No, I won't.

So long as you promise to go to The Mill

and make an appointment with a doctor.

Another doctor. I won't call the police.

-What?

-You heard me.

That's blackmail. That's not allowed.

-BELL RINGS

-Hold that thought.

Actually, bring that thought with you.

What?

I don't want to talk to you about Jesus.

That's a better opening.

I'm looking for my mate. He might have come in here.

-Came into my house?

-Yeah.

-All right, what's your name?

-Don't tell him, Lenny.

OK, I take it that neither of you are big Dad's Army fans?

Sorry, Lenny.

Stop saying it!

So, Lenny. How long have you been a burglar?

I'm not, I'm just giving my mate a lift.

All right, so, you're the getaway driver.

No. You're making it sound bad. Will he be long?

I don't know. I'll just ask him, shall I?

Are you going to... Actually, you know what. It depends.

It depends how long the police take to get here.

-So, do you want to come in and wait for the police?

-No, thank you.

Yeah, just what I thought. Run along now.

What?

I've only got a provisional licence.

I can't drive on my own, it's not legal.

You're a getaway driver who doesn't want to break the law?

Right.

Where have you gone to now?

-Backup have arrived, then.

-I'm off the clock.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Is it that couple over there?

-How did you guess?

-Just look at them.

The way they're dressed... They're just not a convincing couple.

You've got a good eye.

I have seen a lot of police officers these last few weeks.

Hmm.

My ex used to complain I never took her to places like this,

unless we were working.

-She was police too?

-Yep.

I would have thought that would have been easier.

Well, is it easier you and Daniel both being doctors?

It's double trouble. We just never made space for each other.

Well, that sounds like it was nobody's fault.

No, no, no. It was definitely my fault. Ask anyone.

I'm bad at relationships.

I've even got that printed on a T-shirt.

Which I never wear, because I'm always at work.

I get it.

Disastrous at relationships, but you always get your man.

Or gang, in this case.

Hmm. Kids are dying. It's life and death.

Nothing matters more than that. Do you know what I mean?

It's like treating symptoms before they turn into something worse.

Kids are throwing their lives away. It's crazy.

It is.

You know, I read somewhere...

You read?

I know, shocker.

Erm, I read somewhere that the part of the brain that understands

consequence is the last part to develop.

It's true.

That part of the brain keeps developing into early adulthood.

Which is like some kind of cosmic joke.

It's like, how do any of us survive past adolescence?

So these kids go into life not knowing what can happen,

and you know, what they can lose.

Biology is against us. That's why these cases are so tough.

Indeed.

So what's the answer?

Stop reading.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah!

Sorry, I was just looking.

I want to keep it pristine. Because pristine is priceless.

Even without that, it's still a great comic book but...

More importantly, stop touching my things!

Soz.

Soz?

You think this is funny? What is wrong with you, man?

You know, you should go to prison for breaking into my house,

carrying a knife.

And I tell you now, prison is not a fun place to be with narcolepsy.

-What's that?

-Narcolepsy?

Oh...that's when you suddenly fall asleep or lose control of your body.

Sound familiar?

And yeah, it can kill you.

So you're swimming... or you're driving or you're just

brushing your teeth and you, pff, smack your head on the sink.

-You're just trying to scare me.

-That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

It explains why you have done nothing with your life.

Why you are robbing people's houses.

And I bet it's why you dropped out of college.

So why don't you do something about it?

Why don't you go and see a doctor, while you still can?

Is any of this getting through to you?

WAKE UP, STUPID!

Oh, for goodness...

BELL RINGS

-What?

-We want our friend back.

-Great. You can have him.

-Really?

Yeah, absolutely. He's, er, he's lying down upstairs.

Why is he lying down?

-He's asleep.

-What did you do to him?

Nothing. You take his head and you take his feet.

The, er, the job's a good 'un, I think.

It's a trick.

It's not a trick. I want him off my property.

I'll even open the door for you.

HE WHISPERS

Big Jake thinks you drugged him.

I'm doing it now. Sorry, Big Jake.

Sorry!

He's worried you'll do something to us as well.

I'm not going to do anything to you.

Cub Scout honour, Big Jake.

-All right.

-Lenny, don't.

-Is it a trap?

-No, mate, I want to stay here.

-What?

-Why? Did he drug you?

No, he thinks I'm sick. He's a doctor.

-I think I need help.

-Are you sure?

Sorry, Lenny, Big Jake. Thanks for coming for me.

I'll call you both tomorrow, yeah?

-OK, bye.

-OK, bye.

So, can this thing really kill me?

Five minutes. Then you're out of here.

Oh, come on!

-Mine is broken.

-But what are we supposed to do?

Just use the big one. And I'm going to bring it back.

But why are you taking it?

I'll have it back by Monday, 12 o'clock, OK?

I'm the one who's supposed to keep on top of all this stuff.

I could get in serious trouble with Mrs T if the stocks don't add up.

Eesh, please...

If it's legit, just tell me. I won't bother you again.

Just, trust me, OK. I've...I've got my reasons.

The first time it happened was at the college bar.

There was this girl, I tried to tell her I liked her.

The next thing I know, some bouncer is waking me up.

I thought it was the booze, then it happened again.

In an exam.

Stress will be a factor.

I couldn't keep up.

I...I just thought I wasn't up to it, you know.

Well, I don't know if that's true or not.

But I do know that you need to make changes.

And changes means cutting down on the booze,

sleeping regular, non-vampire hours.

And get yourself the proper treatment.

You do that,

there's no reason you can't get control of your life again.

Thanks.

What's your real name?

Tony...

..Stark.

That's Iron Man's name. Really?

It's true. I got loads of stick at school.

You are going to ring and make an appointment at The Mill.

If you don't, then I'm going to ring the police.

That's our deal. You take it or you leave it.

I'll take it. Thank you so much.

You know what?

You have a responsibility to look after your not-very-bright friends.

No more getting them involved in stupid schemes. Yeah?

OK. Thank you so much, Dr Haskey.

Get out of my house.

Thank you.

The police are paying. The least we can do.

When this is over, it's going to be weird living in a house again.

Yeah, I didn't expect it to get this crazy.

Daniel was right.

You know, I get so fixed on putting someone away,

that nothing else matters.

Your family, your job, it's all collateral damage.

My ex used to call me Robocop. Not in a good way.

Is there a good way?

I don't know, I've never actually seen it.

Robocop doesn't have time to watch Robocop.

HE CHUCKLES

You're not a robot.

You care about these kids...

The ones who don't understand about consequences.

I wouldn't be testifying, if it wasn't for you.

No. You'd be with your family, safe and sound.

That's my choice. Yes, you're driven. But you have to be.

I'm like that too.

Do I need to put my surprised face on here?

Sometimes, you have to make hard choices,

to stop people getting hurt.

My ex would say that's because I always have to be right.

Some of us ARE always right.

HE CHUCKLES

It's a curse.

I remembered Reece's last words, last week.

What were they?

"Hold on, pain ends".

It's a song, I think.

The things people think about in their last moments.

I think it means hope.

Whenever I have doubts about any of this, it keeps me going.

I'm doing it for Reece, and for Joe, and...

..for everyone.

Keep going, it gets better.

I hope so.

HE SIGHS

Sleep, trusty Excalibur, until next time someone tries to break in.

Oh, no! You thieving little toerag!

I should have called the police straight away.

Rob! Hi!

It's, erm, it's Al Haskey. Funny story...

We're the last ones here!

Yeah, they left ages ago. I'm a policeman, I notice these things.

But...what about the backup?

Oh, they're in the lobby.

I've got no idea who that couple were.

They weren't police?

No, but they were definitely a couple.

She was getting very hands-on with him.

So much for my eye.

They're OK.

Another drink?

No. No, I've got court in the morning.

-I should get an early night.

-Which was my next suggestion.

Thank you for the drinks. And for looking after me.

All part of the service.

Do you want me to escort you to your room?

Just, just to be safe.

STAFF TIDY UP

No.

No, thank you.

Goodnight.

Night.

You are very brave standing up to these criminals.

Is something wrong?

I need a response team at The Mill straight away.

How about you put your phone away when I'm talking to you?

I'll do what I want, you old fart.

I call Dr Zara Carmichael.

I do solemnly swear that the evidence

I give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.