It's Strange Doctors

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

You should listen to the music. It's wonderful.

What do you think?

Sorry.

Really?

It's just... What does it all mean?

HE SIGHS

SHE COUGHS

SHE COUGHS

I don't deserve you.

No, but I like a project!

It's damp in here.

It's atmospheric.

Come to Spain with me.

We've been through this.

Why not?

You know why not. I make my own money.

You don't need to! My salary, the relocation package...

And then what? Start a family?

I'm not a housewife, Alfie.

No, you're not.

Meaning?

Why won't you stop seeing other men?

They mean nothing to me.

-Then stop.

-How would I live?

How CAN you live, knowing what you have to do?

They're just...friends.

Friends? They're sugar daddies.

Is this why you want me to come to Spain?

No, I want you to come because I love you.

And Spain'll be so good for you.

Good for YOU, you mean. I won't know anyone.

I don't speak the language.

You'll keep me locked away whilst you're at work.

Fine.

I'll go on my own.

Alfie?

RINGTONE

Yes!

What are you actually doing?

Trying to get tickets to a sold-out gig.

They've just come up.

There's a website in case anyone's got any spares.

And you've just bought some?

Almost. I just need to call Mum for her credit card.

Hang on. Is that just for pop concerts?

Don't see why.

Well, what if someone was hoping to get tickets

for a sold-out performance of La Traviata at the Hippodrome

and had tried everything?

"Someone" should see if there's a website for opera tickets,

check that it's secure, then build themselves a profile.

How would someone do that?

I really do need to call Mum.

What if someone helped?

And why would someone do that?

Well, they might if...

someone...

had a credit card.

Are you OK?

I've got a lot on my mind, Karen.

About our training weekend?

Hm. Amongst other things.

I don't see why we need training.

It all seems pretty straightforward to me.

Well, you say that now,

but we have no idea what we might be walking into.

Well, did you not hear Mrs Tembe?

We're going to be briefed before we go in.

What if there's a dog and they smell Geoffrey on me?

What if one of these vulnerable patients has got a baby

and they ask me to hold it?

Have they considered the insurance implications?

Um...I'm going to make a cup of tea. Do you want one?

-No, thanks.

-OK.

Morning.

Ayesha.

I've been thinking about what you said

about me not being able to have children.

Oh, that's not what I said.

I haven't been able to think about anything else.

What I said was, phone up an make an appointment with your haematologist.

Right.

Phone up. Make an appointment.

Right.

I will.

I will.

If they do not arrive soon, the food will be cold.

And?

I should not have allowed you to talk me into this.

Honesty is the best policy.

If you're dealing with honest people, maybe, but this is business.

All the same...

I know these people. They won't listen to us.

But if we show them...

There will be consequences.

Maybe...

but by then, it'll be too late.

Oh, no.

Jamahl Habib, Trust catering manager.

Mrs Tembe, the Mill Health Centre practice manager.

This is Mr Kenwright.

Yes, we've met. Shall we begin?

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Have I just paid for you to see them?

Two front-row seats.

Who's the other ticket for?

We should really get this photo done.

I'm going to have to tell your mum.

What about here?

Do I really need a photo?

You want to get your post noticed, don't you?

OK. Do it here, in front of the camellias.

-Huh?

-They're in the opera.

Not bad. Do another one.

MUSIC FROM LA TRAVIATA PLAYS

You look beautiful.

Are you trying to take the credit?

Who else makes you feel like I do?

No-one. You're incredible.

SHE COUGHS

Come to Spain.

What for, the clean air? This isn't the 1850s.

Then go to the doctor's.

I'll never get an appointment.

RINGTONE

OK, so there's my profile up and running.

"OperaTrack". All done. Your profile, plus

you're on the forum saying you're looking for tickets.

Thank you very much. Excellent.

By the way, who's your other ticket for?

Oh! Look, you've got replies already.

They don't have any tickets.

Aren't you going to reply?

What? Reply to their reply?

Yeah. A couple of them say they'll keep a look-out for you.

And I will pay them handsomely when they get me tickets.

In the meantime, work.

Of course I'm not neglecting you, Harold.

I just haven't really been going out very much at all.

SHE COUGHS

I haven't been feeling very well recently,

but it's nothing serious.

And I've been thinking about you, too.

Are you still on the board at the Hippodrome?

Right. We have a rotisserie of beef primavera, penne formaggi,

and traditional breaded hake.

A state-of-the-art supply chain.

They will produce the food elsewhere then it will be brought onsite

to be reheated. It is cost-saving,

but the food will maintain its moisture and nutrients.

And taste delicious.

Hello, Haematology, please.

BABY SCREAMS

Yes, I was wondering if it would be possible to have an appointment

with Dr Papadopolous. ..My name...?

Oh, actually, sorry, I'm going to have to call you back.

-Can I help you?

-For Dr Carter.

Ooh! Who are they from?

It doesn't say.

Hm, that's exciting, isn't it?

-There we go.

-Thank you.

Bye.

Who are they for?

They're for Heston.

Who from?

It's anonymous.

Oh, I say. Nice jeans.

Hm. Physically, yes. But, delivering flowers at his age?

Um, I'd better pop them here.

Well, the claims you made were great.

But for all the fancy names,

isn't this just roast beef, macaroni cheese, and fish and chips?

Not delicious, not moist,

and if there ever was any nutritional value,

it's all been boiled out of it.

We've tasted all three meals, and all three of them are overcooked,

over-salted, and over-processed.

I see.

So, if there's nothing else...

There was just one thing.

The food you've just eaten...

Mrs Tembe?

The food you have just eaten

is what is currently on offer in this hospital.

I beg your pardon?

This is what your patients will be eating today.

Is this some kind of joke?

No. It is just an illustration of how much things need to change.

With a stunt like this?

It was the only thing we could think of to make our point.

And you only have to eat it once.

If you would just like to give us one minute,

we would like to offer you an alternative.

What if they're allergic?

You're not going to be sending them flowers!

No - to Geoffrey?

Valerie, it's just a few visits. You're over-thinking it.

Maybe.

You might not need the training, but for me, one course

over one weekend is not going to make me a health-care professional.

You're not going to BE a health-care professional.

Oh! Thanks for that, Karen.

Well, I di... I di...

Oh, someone's sent you flowers.

-Really?

-There's no card.

Ruhma?

Not really her style. Camellias - how strange.

-Aren't you going to take them with?

-No, you keep them.

-Morning.

-Morning.

So if, as you say, I am not a professional...

Not a health-care professional.

Then, why am I doing the job of one?

You're not! It's just a bit of human contact.

A bit of conversation.

Although if this is anything to go by...

Sorry, do you mind if I butt in?

It's just that, since I'm going to be running the VPAS initiative,

I'd be more than happy to hear any concerns.

I don't have any concerns.

No, but I do, and I would very much like to discuss them with you.

Right. Well, what about lunchtime?

This lunchtime?

Yes. Have you got anything else on?

No. No. Nothing that can't wait.

Good. Well, I'll see you both, then.

-Right, then.

-Right, then.

By cooking the food fresh, we have the flexibility to cater for

patients with complicated nutritional requirements

such as kosher, halal, vegans, gluten-free...

It's good, eh?

I have taken the liberty

of preparing these projections

of the supply chain.

Thank you. Oh, er...

Now, Chef Luke Armannsson has given me access to his suppliers

and he's very keen to be an advisor.

Staff hiring and retention figures

are based on the expiration of the hospital's current contract.

Sounds like you've thought of everything.

Thank you.

Now, if you wouldn't mind leaving so that we can confer?

Yes. Yes, of course.

I knew this was a bad idea!

It wasn't. It worked perfectly.

Worked perfectly? He is furious.

Because he knows we're right.

And why did you say, "Oh, no," when you saw him?

I've met him before.

And?

It was at another hospital. About their food.

I didn't know he was in charge of catering for the whole Trust now.

And we have just humiliated him.

-We're ready for you now.

-Right.

Are you intending to run this operation yourself?

Oh, no.

I have contacted a catering company who have expressed an interest.

What exactly is your interest?

I was a patient here.

And I work at a food bank.

I know how important it is for the weak to be nourished.

80% of our patients are satisfied with their meals.

If you believe the numbers.

Maybe the patients feel too vulnerable to criticise.

Not something that seems to be afflicting you.

I say it like I see it.

Yes, I remember.

You put up a very convincing case.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, we can't say yes or no now.

So what happens next?

What happens next is that, although we can't say yes...

You are saying yes?

We did it!

No, let's wait and see.

No. Let's not wait and see.

They said yes!

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

KNOCKING

One moment.

Violet, please have a seat.

So, what can I do for you?

I've been coughing rather a lot.

Mm-hm? Do you think that's the asthma or the TB?

A bit of both.

You're still keeping up your appointments at St Phil's?

Yes.

-And you're taking isoniazid and rifampicin?

-Yes.

And you're using your inhaler?

Discreetly.

I've taken up with a younger man.

He wants me to move to Spain with him.

How lovely.

I wouldn't know anyone.

No more St Phil's, and I'd have to stop seeing you.

Well, if you went to Spain, yes.

I've been coming here for years.

I'm sure they have plenty of very good doctors.

Not like you.

SHE COUGHS

Do you have your inhaler?

Yes.

There's no need to be embarrassed.

Just my vanity.

You haven't put your flowers up in your room.

-Oh, they were from you?

-Mm.

Why?

Your profile picture. The opera.

I left you a message but you didn't reply.

Well, I didn't reply to any of them.

Any of them? How many did you get?

Well, let's come back to you and why you're here.

-To say thank you.

-For what?

For everything that you've done. I'll never find anyone like you.

So, these other replies that you got.

Did any of them get you front-row seats?

Violet, if those are opera tickets, I can't accept them.

Why not?

Because it would be inappropriate.

Because you're married? You're not wearing a wedding ring.

Whatever my circumstances, it would be inappropriate.

Fine.

Take someone else.

What's happened?

What did he say?

Violet?

Another satisfied customer.

MUSIC FROM LA TRAVIATA PLAYS

It really is what they get given.

I assume it was your idea.

The "stunt", yeah.

But the rest of it is all Mrs Tembe,

and whatever problems you and me have had...

The staff petition at Sutton Vale Hospital.

We couldn't eat the food.

And now the patients at St Phil's can't. Is there a theme?

Whatever problems we've had, just don't take it out on her.

Why would I? I'd never stand in the way of progress.

Let's just say we see things differently.

Of course, initiatives like this require cost-cutting elsewhere.

Why? It should save the Trust money.

But there are administration costs with every change.

Although saying that, things in this hospital need changing,

so maybe this is an opportunity to do that.

I think so.

Good. I'm glad we agree.

Me, too.

You don't fancy taking one home?

No, I had some earlier.

How do we know this is not the NHS just trying to pull a fast one?

Saving money on doctors and nurses and health visitors?

Won't we be putting people out of jobs?

I'll tell you what - why don't you go on the course,

see if that answers your concerns, and if not, come and talk to me?

Good idea.

Yeah, but I've got concerns now. Pre-course.

I mean, I'll probably have loads afterwards, but I would like to deal with them now.

What if I feel unsafe?

Then, you shouldn't go in.

Yeah, but what if I do and there's a medical emergency?

It'd be the same as if you were anywhere.

Exactly. I mean, you'd call an ambulance, or us.

What if the patient expects me to help them?

Then, you would simply explain that it isn't your role.

They'll just be really pleased to see you.

They know you haven't got any medical experience.

Yeah, but will they? What happens when someone has a baby?

Or collapses? Or dies?

Will you cheer up?

Well, I would like to, Karen,

but the truth is, I haven't got any medical experience,

and I just don't think I'm up to it. I can see it going very badly wrong.

No, I'm sorry, Emma, but I'm just going to have to say no.

COUGHING

Come out and talk to me.

Something's going on, I know it is.

Vi?

Are you OK?

I'm fine. Nothing's going on.

Prove it.

Oh! Get off me. I'm ill.

Ill with what? The TB?

Yes.

You've been weird since the doctor's. What did he say?

He didn't say anything.

Just tell me and I can help.

Help how? By taking me away?

I want you to come and start a new life with me.

What's wrong with that?

Who would I go to then?

We'll find another doctor.

If that's all he is?

Of course he is.

Not another sugar daddy?

Don't be ridiculous.

BUZZER

Yes?

Oh, hello, I'm Dr Carter from the Mill Health Centre.

Heston?

Do you bring all your patients flowers?

Well, actually, I'm returning them.

Why, what's the matter - don't you like them?

-You bought HIM flowers?

-Here, hold on a minute...

What's this?

He wouldn't go with me.

No, well, of course I wouldn't. I can't accept gifts, I'm your doctor.

Do you want to do this out here or in there?

Well, actually, I'd rather leave.

SHE COUGHS

Vi!

On her side.

Right, yes. Yes. ..Thank you.

Thank you. ..Yeah. Bye.

Oh! Oh! Sorry. I was looking for somewhere private.

-Oh.

-I thought you'd gone out.

It's fine.

And sorry about earlier as well.

I... I just don't think I'm up to it.

Don't you? I think you are.

But this is people's lives!

Exactly, and you can make a difference to them.

Especially with what you went through with cancer.

Think about it - what made the biggest impact on you?

Was it always the consultant

or was it sometimes a kind word from a passer-by?

The consultant. Actually, I've just phoned him.

All right. Well, what about friends? Look at Ayesha.

She went to a lot of your appointments with you.

That's true.

Basically what we're doing is caring for people.

No-one's more caring than you, Valerie.

-No?

-Hm.

So?

OPERA MUSIC PLAYS

Be careful.

Precious cargo, I know. Relax, mate.

-I'm always careful.

-She's in safe hands.

How're you doing?

Yeah, good. I'm really good. Winifred'll tell you.

Cheers. Hey, good luck.

Look, about earlier, jumping to conclusions...

I realise there was a misunderstanding.

I just get so...wound up.

I know.

I love her, but I don't know what she wants.

Can I ask you, as the partner of someone with TB,

have you actually been screened?

-I'm clear.

-Good.

-SHE COUGHS

-Vi?

How are you feeling? You collapsed.

I've made such a fool of myself.

Not at all.

What was I thinking?

That's what I was going to ask you.

Well, I think you felt abandoned.

Sometimes happens when a patient leaves

a doctor they've been seeing for quite some time.

And what if I want to come back?

Does this mean you're going to come?

What do you think, Heston?

Is it safe, medically, for me to move to Spain?

Medically, there's no reason why not. Hot weather.

A change of lifestyle. They should all be beneficial.

You should listen to your doctor.

How am I going to find someone like you?

A doctor, she means. She's got everything else.

-Have I?

-Haven't you?

I'd better be going.

Heston, do you think it would be possible for me to have a family?

I mean, with the TB,

I wouldn't infect any children that I might have?

It should be fine, but why don't you come and chat to me

before you leave?

Children?

Why not?

I don't know. One minute I'm trying to tie you down...

I never said that.

You said you didn't want to be a housewife.

-I don't.

-And you wanted to make your own money.

I do.

Start a family?

That's right.

So, I have decided to be part of VPAS.

Emma talked me into it.

She said no-one was more caring than me,

-although your name did come up.

-MY name?

Hm. Vis-a-vis coming with me to all my cancer appointments.

Being there. So I had someone on my side.

-I was glad to.

-Well, it meant the world to me.

It was fine. It was nothing, honestly.

No, it wasn't. You cared.

I was so worried about phoning Dr Papadopolous.

I've been sizing men up as donors all day.

What if Dr P said I was infertile?

So, did you phone him?

I did.

And?

It's all going to be fine.

What? He actually said that over the phone?

No, no. They've got to run some tests,

but it's going to be fine. I know it is.

So even if VPAS goes all pear-shaped,

I'll be off on maternity leave soon.

I'm going to be a mum.

You still here?

I came in early for the presentation then did my shift on top.

I meant after our conversation about cost-cutting earlier.

Zero-hours contracts.

We didn't talk about zero-hours contracts.

Did we not? Ah.

Why, what have you done?

Me? Nothing.

Though it might be worth answering your phone

if your line manager calls.

But I am looking forward to working with Mrs Tembe.

Mrs Tembe, good evening.

Good evening, Mr Habib.

Mr Kenwright.

Thanks for everything.

See, what did I tell you?

Ye of little faith.

Yeah.

RINGING

Who is it?

My line manager.

Are you not going to answer it?

No. Like you say, tonight we're celebrating.

No need to make a fuss.

You might need stitches.

Stop hectoring me!

Why are you not at work?

I thought you had the early shift?

Didn't I tell you?

Tell me what?

About some reorganisation.

-It's fine to move on... Oh!

-SHE GROANS

-Or not move.

-What's going on?

Enjoying the show, boys?

-I've seen better.

-No, not at all.