Mummy's Boy Doctors

BIRDSONG

BARKING

Mum? We've run out of strawberry jam!

Mm!

Hey, slow down!

I cannot help it.

I am on cloud nine!

We did make a good team, didn't we?

We really should celebrate.

Perhaps we should do something this weekend.

You're on that course.

Yeah. You know, we should just take the bike and head for the open road.

Come here!

Mwah! MRS TEMBE CHUCKLES

What did I do to deserve you?

I have not got the faintest idea.

But YOU are a very lucky man.

Why are you not at work? I thought you had the early shift.

-Didn't I tell you?

-Tell me what?

Some reorganisation. I'm not due in until much later.

I thought I'd go to the flat and sort out me laundry.

Oh. Right.

Well, in that case, you can do the washing-up.

Not so lucky, huh? Have a good day.

It's not the same without jam.

Mum, what are you doing?

You did that yesterday.

And the day before.

-Did what, dear?

-Cleaned the kettle.

At this rate, you're going to wear it out.

How's your work going?

It'd be going a lot better without any distractions.

So, now I'm a distraction?

That's not what I meant.

What are you doing?

I told you the other day.

I'm going to see a nurse at the Campus

and then I'm going down to the shops.

You fancy coming along?

While you're out, could you get me these groceries?

Why can't you do it yourself?

You haven't left the house for ages.

Come on, dear, run along.

I've got plenty of work to be getting on with.

Oh! Yes!

That's it, that's it, that's it! Oh!

Have you and Heston been overdoing it?

No, you cheeky mare.

I've overdone it with that Step Buddy.

Probably need to give it a rest.

Yeah, too right. I've had enough.

I have proved my point, it's time to move on.

Oh! Or...or not move.

What's going on?

Enjoying the show, boys?

-I've seen better.

-No, not at all.

-Right. Thanks, Megan. You perverts!

-Sorry.

Need to get your kicks somehow, eh?

Hey, absolutely.

No. Um...actually, I was going to pick your brains

about Dr Noronha's course this weekend, but I can come back.

-No. Um...come and see me after my first patient.

-Huh!

You're not seriously considering doing another course, are you?

-Here we go again.

-That makes it, what, 67 this week alone?

-Ha! Inside, I'm laughing.

-I'm thinking about organising my own course.

You know, designed for people who are addicted to going on courses.

You should keep an eye out for it.

I might follow it up with an audiobook!

You should have seen the look on the panellists' faces

when they started eating the food. Pure rapture!

Are you sure it wasn't indigestion?

Ooh. Ignore her, she's jealous.

I have nothing but the highest praise

for the food Chef Armannsson inspired.

And for that, I am forever in your debt.

Not at all. Glad to be of service.

Hi. Ray Barwick. I've got an appointment with the nurse.

Oh, right. Um...she'll be with you shortly.

-Just want to take a seat?

-Thank you.

I never doubted that your efforts would be rewarded, Mrs Tembe.

You are a force of nature.

Why, thank you, Dr Carter!

SHE GASPS

SHE WINCES

Your blood pressure is 140/90.

What does that mean?

It's rather high for somebody of your age and weight.

Oh! Great(!)

What about your lifestyle? Do you smoke?

-Drink much booze?

-Never touch the stuff.

What about exercise?

Could this be to do with stress?

There's a condition called stress-related hypertension.

-I saw it on a documentary.

-Could be.

But there could be any number of factors causing it.

But you're not ruling out stress?

-Are you suffering from stress?

-Suffering?

I'm overwhelmed.

-Why's that?

-Two words.

My mother.

So, what's the problem?

She doesn't iron my clothes any more,

she doesn't cook my meals.

Lucky if I get a decent sandwich nowadays.

Poor you(!)

And she refuses to leave the house.

She makes me do all the shopping now!

I mean, sometimes, I...

feel as if I should just go off and live in a hotel.

Maybe she's just taking a break from looking after you all the time.

I'm not exactly high maintenance.

No, but you've got free board and lodging

-and you're complaining about the staff.

-It's not like that, OK?

She is freaking me out!

I'm telling you, she is not right in the head.

Now, Mum is a patient of yours,

so, why don't you pay her a visit and check her out?

Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Anyway, it sounds like you're more worried about yourself

because your mum's not taking care of you any more.

Excuse me, that is an outrageous thing to say!

If you can persuade your mum to make an appointment with me,

I'll be happy to have a chat with her.

I'm going to book you an appointment to see Dr Carter for further tests.

It may be that he needs to give you some medication

-to get your blood pressure down.

-Mm. Well,

thank you very much. You are a very caring nurse(!)

Worth every penny to the NHS(!)

SHE SIGHS

That's right, lunch at your place.

A lovely lunch for a lovely lady.

Well, this is all very sudden.

You were the one that wanted to celebrate.

-Yes, but...

-And you're away this weekend, so why wait?

I am not sure.

I was hoping to do some coursework preparation over the break.

Can't that wait?

Come on, let's live life in the fast lane. What do you say?

All right, all right, I, er...I will see you later.

Brilliant. Bye for now.

THUNDERCLAP

Mum?

What's happened?

It was your fault, leaving that stupid thing lying around!

-What are you doing?!

-I'm calling an ambulance.

No! No ambulance!

Mum, you're still bleeding.

I've just had a slight shock, that's all.

No need to be so melodramatic.

I'll be all right in a moment.

No need to make a fuss.

You might need stitches.

Stop hectoring me!

Darling, if you really want to help,

why don't you make me a nice cup of tea?

There's a good boy.

-AL EXHALES

-You OK?

Yeah. Can you, um...? Thanks.

You still getting those headaches?

Yeah. I had an absolute corker last night.

It was like being on the receiving end of something from the Death Star.

-Rough.

-Yeah, well, it passed.

It's not the most exhilarating subject, is it? Man gets headache!

No need to alert the news media.

Well, as long as you're on top of them.

I'm capable of diagnosing myself.

Actually, I've, er...I've booked myself a scan. Thank you.

Because of your dad?

My dad?

You're on fire today, aren't you?

The...the lid.

Thank you.

And the thing is, I don't know how much blood she's lost.

And I'm worried the cut might become infected.

How is she now?

She was acting as if nothing had happened.

It's bizarre. I...

I mean, quite frankly she's scaring me.

I meant "is she still bleeding?"

I don't know.

Ray, is she still conscious? Have you called an ambulance?

Yes...and no.

-Why not?

-She won't let me.

Call one, anyway!

She doesn't want any kind of help,

but she needs it, I know she does.

You have got to come round.

If she's bleeding out, she needs an ambulance.

-Please.

-HE SIGHS

If she's going to trust anyone, it will be you.

I'll see if I've got time.

In the meantime, elevate the hand, apply pressure.

If she doesn't stop bleeding, call 999.

I will. Thank you.

Please, come as quickly as you can.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

A peace offering. It's, er...three weeks out of date,

but I don't think chocolate goes off.

-Did you buy that for me?

-Not in the first place.

JIMMI SIGHS

What are you doing?

I'm looking at some CBT websites.

You're taking this all very seriously, aren't you?

Has St Megan got herself another disciple?

I don't know about a saint,

but it looks like she's one hell of a therapist.

Mm, if you say so.

She's offered to give me some professional support.

Is that all she's offering?

Why can't you just accept the fact

that I'm genuinely interested in talking therapy?

I'm not questioning your motives,

but "why" is the interesting question here, isn't it?

-Because it's more holistic.

-Mm.

It's more mind and body and that kind of thing.

-Megan's body?

-Oh, shut up.

-Megan's hot body.

-Shut up!

Shall we discuss her body more over lunch?

No, I'm not having lunch with you. All right, you're buying.

-I bought the egg!

-You can take the egg!

It don't want it. It looks very silly in my office.

Will she be all right?

"She" happens to be in the room, you know.

It wasn't a deep cut. You could have sorted it yourself.

You see? There was no need to get Nurse Lee to come out all this way.

I was concerned about my mother.

Well, seeing as though I'm here, I might as well check you over.

I'm telling you, it's quite unnecessary.

Please, Mum.

I just want to know you're OK.

Very well.

Can you make yourself useful and fetch us both a nice cup of tea?

So, how was your day?

Yeah, great. Did two loads and sorted through my bills.

Lunch will be served shortly, madam.

What is this?

I thought we were going to have a special celebratory lunch?

Yes, and that's exactly what it is.

Well, this is all well and good, but...

and I do not mean to sound ungrateful, but tinned food?

Just trying to be practical.

I had this at the back of the cupboard and thought we could use it up.

Waste not, want not.

I have never known you to be self-conscious about cost-cutting.

These are not easy times.

Austerity hasn't gone away.

Austerity?

This is not like you.

JJ, what is going on?

Layla needed another dig-out at uni.

No. No, that was last week!

I repeat, what is going on?

JJ?

It's the hospital. They've let me go.

I've lost my job.

You've gone very quiet.

So what's the verdict?

Am I in fine fettle, or not?

Cat got your tongue?

Your tea's getting cold.

Joyce, are you having trouble with your eyes?

Yes.

The thing is...I think I'm losing my sight.

Is it that bad?

No, I've, er...I've just lost my appetite.

It's not my best, I'll give you that.

Is this because of the hospital food campaign?

Leave it, Winifred.

But he cannot be allowed to get away with this!

It is wrong! It is probably illegal!

-What are you doing?

-Calling the hospital, of course.

No, don't bother.

Let's see what Mr Habib has got to say for himself!

-No!

-JJ!

The job's gone, OK? It's finished. It's...

it's gone, it's never coming back.

You need to stick up for your rights!

Thank you, Martha Scargill, but I don't want to.

Don't you get it?

This could turn out to be a real blessing in disguise.

For the last two months...

..the world's been getting darker and darker.

It's like I'm seeing everything through

a gradually-diminishing tunnel.

How much can you actually see?

Nothing much.

Mainly...vague shapes.

Shadows, really.

I don't understand. Why haven't you told Ray?

He mustn't know! He can't know!

Why?

Because when I do go totally blind...

..it'll be too much of a burden for him.

He'll leave me.

We don't even know what's causing it yet.

You can't know how Ray will react.

It's a terrible thing to say,

but I know my own son.

He mustn't find out.

Joyce, you can use whatever tricks you like,

but sooner or later, he's going to realise.

And what if you're hurt worse next time?

What's the alternative?

-Be honest.

-No.

And you mustn't say anything!

-You can't, can you, if I don't want you to?

-No, but I really...

In that case, there's nothing more to be said.

Joyce, listen to me.

The more people who know about your condition, the more support you'll get.

How do you work that out?

You're scared, I get it. Who wouldn't be?

But let's get you examined properly and we'll take it from there.

But I think it's really important that you include Ray.

I really don't think he'll be up to it.

And what if you're wrong?

Don't you think you at least owe it to your son to give him a chance?

Mm! Soup really is yummy.

How long has it been since he, er...passed now?

That's a change of gear.

Why? Why are you asking about my dad again?

I'm just wondering how you're feeling about him now.

Well, it was a shock at the time,

but life goes on. You deal with it.

Is that what you're doing?

Yeah. He...he pops into my head every now and then,

but I'm not one of these people who feel

they need to go into an mandatory period of grieving,

drag everyone else down with my misery.

That's a bit harsh.

Everyone has their own grieving process, don't they?

And if I'm not bursting into tears every day,

it's because we weren't that close, as you well know.

What's the correct way to eat soup?

Is it that way, or is it that way? What does etiquette decree?

I don't think it matters in here.

So, how's your mum doing?

She's all right. She keeps busy.

She's got her friends, her hobbies. She's got the vicar.

Hm. Do you talk much?

Do you mind if we talk about something else?

I don't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

I'm afraid it's true.

I'm losing my sight.

I'm not talking about that.

All this time, all the cleaning and stuff.

You made me think you were going around the twist.

She was trying not to let on.

I'm sorry about that.

Why?

Why all the pretence?

Why couldn't you let me know?

-That's not important now.

-I beg to differ. Well...?

I wasn't sure you'd want to stay, and...

Oh, I see.

You thought that I'd abandon you.

Is that how much faith you place in me?

It's not that.

In many ways, this is my fault,

the way you've turned out.

I've always wrapped you up in cotton wool,

made you totally dependent.

I get it.

Since I can't look after myself,

how could I possibly take care of a blind woman?

It's not an unreasonable question.

Except you're forgetting something.

You're my mother.

And I love you.

So no matter what happens... I'll always be there for you.

Once you've been assessed and we've figured out exactly what's going on,

you'll both be able to get support and advice.

We'll tackle this together, OK?

I don't know what to say.

And the support starts right here.

I'm going to make your favourite meal.

Roast chicken with all the trimmings.

That's great.

How hard can it be?

Maybe little steps first.

How about, um...cheese on toast?

One cheese on toast coming up.

Ray!

The whole phenomenon of manga just grows and grows.

There's a convention in Birmingham next month.

-I thought I might rock up.

-On your own?

Well, yeah, it's not exactly date material.

You wouldn't think of taking a friend?

-You?

-It's not really my kind of thing, is it?

-No, I didn't think it was.

-I just thought you'd have loads of people

that would be into that kind of thing you could ask.

Hm. Yeah, one or two.

Ah. Good.

Jimmi, what's going on?

What do you mean?

Are you using me as some kind of a case study?

Of course not!

I think that's exactly what you're doing.

-Oh, come on, Al!

-All day, you've been interrogating me.

About my headaches, about my father, my mother, my friends.

So, come on, what's your agenda?

There's no agenda.

No official agenda, anyway.

I don't believe this!

-It's nothing a takeaway pizza won't fix.

-Yeah.

-It's not going to be easy at first, but...

-Stop!

What?

It's not going to work.

-I'm not doing it.

-Ray?

It's so unfair.

I can't do this.

I shouldn't have to do this!

-And I don't want to.

-Ray, it WILL be OK.

When you've got time, come and see me. I can put you in touch with...

No, no, no, no.

It's not going to be OK.

How can it be?

I've never been short of work in my life.

But these are leaner times.

You were the one talking about austerity.

I can do some roadying, some bar work,

maybe even a spot of labouring.

Labouring?

You said you had back pain!

The point is, there's plenty of opportunities out there.

And much better ones than that lousy hospital job.

-Do you really think so?

-I know so.

Look, I was a janitor once in a local Crown Court.

They liked me so much, they wanted to make me a judge.

Look, the thing is,

there's plenty of jobs out there for people like me.

You think of my strengths.

Gift of the gab, a whizz in the kitchen,

great with my hands.

You're overreacting. Stop and think this through.

There's nothing to think about.

Where are you going to go? How are you going to take care of yourself?

There's hotels. I'll be all right.

You'll be all right? What about your mum?!

You said it yourself, she'll get support.

The NHS will sort her out.

She's spent years looking after you and now she needs you. You!

That cheese on toast is taking rather a long time.

I do hope everything's all right.

You can't leave over burnt cheese on toast!

Ray?

I'll be there in a sec, Joyce.

Hi, Karen, it's me. I'm going to have to stay here a bit longer.

This selfish git's just abandoned his mum and she's losing her eyesight.

Seriously, you know those days when you just want to punch someone in the face?

Anyway, I'd better go, I need to call social services and get someone over.

Wish me luck.

He's gone, hasn't he?

I'm sorry, OK? I handled that badly.

Badly? Valerie would've been more subtle!

What are you doing, Jimmi? You're supposed to be my friend

and yet you want to use me as some kind of a test case.

Why? I'm serious. Why? You want to impress Dr Sharma that much?

-It's got nothing to do with her!

-Then what are you doing?

By all means, if you have to, ask me about my father,

but this clumsy attempt at psychoanalysis is pathetic.

-It's just embarrassing!

-OK, OK.

No, it's not OK, Jimmi.

You need to go on another one of your courses.

You know, Sensitivity In The Workplace,

or Friendship For Beginners.

Because this, whatever this is, it's not working.

THUNDER RUMBLES

I am the practice manager.

Well, perhaps you'd like to explain to my mother

why the NHS doesn't provide the only treatment

that can stop her lungs from disintegrating!

We really don't want any publicity to escalate the situation.

Oi! Put that chair down!

Americans are so much more relaxed about this sort of thing.

They ship worldwide, in tanks of liquid nitrogen.