Staggered Doctors

HE BREATHES HARD

She's not here.

I said...she's not here!

Zara's taking Joe, so it means I get a Friday night out alone.

-Great.

-Any plans?

-No, feet up. I'm knackered.

Ah. OK. Al, any plans for tonight?

-Stag do.

-Great.

Well, I say stag do, but they're both going to be there.

-Ah.

-Anyone I know?

Paul and Lizzy.

Have I met them?

-Um...I think you would have remembered.

-Why's that?

I just think you would.

-Hm.

-See you later.

-Paul, are you ready?

-Mm-hm.

-Have you phoned the cab?

-On its way.

Be nice if they were on time for once.

You'll be lucky.

There are other firms, you know.

Behold! The Princess Rhiannon.

And how fares my good lord?

We must make haste, lest we be tardy for our revels.

Fear not, good lady. I will be at your service presently.

Right. Well, when were you thinking of coming?

Oh! Right, OK. Well, um...you're in luck.

Yeah, the room is definitely available then. A-huh.

Ben told her to take some time off.

And? How's she doing?

She's getting there, but you know what she's like.

-What, you mean she's milking it?

-Who, Valerie?

-Hm!

-You out tonight?

-No. I wish. Graveyard shift with Heston.

-Ellie Jones. Hi.

-Hi.

-Do you want to come through?

Hail, good Yodreth!

Thou art a sight for sore eyes!

-Mine host!

-And how fare thee, brother, on this auspicious night?

Sorry, am I on straight?

Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.

And is thy thirst a-raging, good companion?

Indeed it is, my liege. Of feathers, I do spit.

THEY CHUCKLE

Behold, our domain!

CHEERING

What ails thee, brother?

Um...I thought we were going to have the back room?

Nay, I warrant. It is here we do celebrate our nuptials.

Then celebrate we will! Lead on, my liege!

Rope!

The play we were in. Admittedly, it was some time ago.

Oh!

It's Joel, isn't it? You were very good!

Sorry. Dr Carter, Heston.

And what of it?

Are you here to see me?

I'm seeing Dr...Vere, or someone.

You don't remember me, do you?

You don't know me.

I'm happy to wait.

Oh.

-You can lose the beard, Al, if you want?

-Yeah. Good idea.

Oh! That's better. Cheers!

And would the princess like some more potion?

Thank you, kind sir, I will share a goodly draught.

May I say, Your Highness is looking

particularly delectable this evening.

Thou dost flatter, kind sorcerer.

And for yond fearsome-looking creature?

Oh, merely water, if you please.

Gets a bit hot in there.

Then we shall quench his fires.

It's Nigel. He's our best man.

No way! That's Nigel?

He's so committed.

Er...barkeep...?

Right. Huh! Er...can you tell me what's wrong, Mr Mawson?

I'm just feeling a little strange, that's all.

In what way? Do you feel sick, or...?

Dizzy. Headache.

Right. And for how long?

Huh! The last five years.

-Have you been on any medication?

-Nope.

Have you been drinking, taking any kind of drugs?

MR MAWSON CHUCKLES

Mr Mawson?

Look, just get on with it, will you?

I'm not giving you my whole life story!

Very well. Um...if you wouldn't mind following this pen for me, with your eyes?

Seems great. Now, um...if you just wouldn't mind

leaning your head back for me?

Ooo! Um...you've got a few marks here.

No, stop!

Get away from me.

-OK. Sorry...

-Just wait, you idiot!

MR MAWSON HYPERVENTILATES

And a water for the trusty dragon. Good work.

Cyrenia, the Mistress of Valexion.

-Um...

-It's a planet.

-Right.

-In another galaxy.

And a very nice one, I'm sure.

We're a peaceful people.

Living purely for pleasure.

Yeah, I find that's the best way to live.

And you?

Um... Oh, this is Yodreth. I took the beard off.

Me and Paul, we were in this club at university.

Wizards, warriors, witchcraft.

It never really leaves you, though, does it?

Yeah. To be honest with you, I...

This isn't something I do all the time.

Never apologise. Never explain.

No, you're right.

Cyrenia is always right.

Cyrenia.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

HE SIGHS

I'm sorry.

I just don't like people too close.

It's fine.

But you can see OK, yeah?

-Perfectly. Thank you.

-Good.

Maybe we should take a look at your blood pressure.

As you say, Doctor.

If you wouldn't mind rolling your sleeve up for me?

-Which one?

-Either's fine.

I, um...must admit, I've had a little bit to drink.

-Oh, yeah? How much?

-Just the odd snifter.

OK.

Ahhhh!

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.

She's not here!

-I beg your pardon?

-I've looked! She's not here!

-OK. If you wouldn't mind just...?

-I can't find her anywhere!

-Mr Mawson, if you wouldn't mind...?

-It's not my fault!

Can you please just help me?!

-Yes, yes.

-It's not my fault!

MR MAWSON WAILS

Heston, I'm going to need you for a minute, please.

No, he seems to have settled in fine.

Work's OK. Just waiting for a date for the hearing.

Other than that, there's nothing to worry about.

DOOR OPENS

OK.

OK, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

DOOR CLOSES

-You all right, Jimmi?

-A-huh.

Oh, what a day! I am officially knackered!

Two girls off sick, right? Well, I say, sick.

-They only send the manager down.

-Nightmare.

"Just let me know what you need. I don't mind getting my hands dirty."

Yeah, right!

Spends more time banging on about health and safety,

telling us to bend at the knees. To her, mainly!

I mean, where do they get them from, eh -

the school for the terminally stupid?

-Your mum called.

-Is she all right?

Yeah. Er...she was just wondering how you are.

Oh, I am rank! Can I borrow your shower gel?

MR MAWSON SOBS QUIETLY

How do you know him?

We were in am-dram about nine, ten years ago.

-And how was he then?

-He was good company.

I'd met him at St Phil's. He worked in the lab.

He seemed terrified.

-Do you think he's at risk?

-I'm not sure.

Do you want me to take over for a bit?

We have common ground, maybe I can get him out of it.

Yeah, fair enough. There was one more thing I did notice,

some scratches around the eyes.

-OK, I'll have a look.

-Thank you, Heston. Thank you.

GROANING

What is going on when you can't...?

Slumming it, are we, Granger?

Sorry, do I know you...Gandalf?

Al! Oh, goodness, I didn't recognise you under all that garb!

No, of course you didn't.

It's lovely. Mate, it suits you. It's...it's dapper.

You done now? You got it all out of your system?

-All right, all right, let me get you a drink.

-Thank you.

Mead or dragon's urine?

Ha-ha! Very funny!

You want that in a drinking horn, or a pint glass?

It's a stag do, OK?

All right, I'm only kidding. Come on, come on.

Tell me, what are you going to wear to the wedding - full armour?

Sticks and stones, Granger, sticks and stones.

Come on, what do you expect?

From you? Very little, as it happens.

Sorry, can I have two G&Ts, please?

All of this, this takes imagination,

it takes creativity, it takes effort.

-Things you wouldn't know anything about.

-Your sleeve.

Oh, for...!

It's a bit slippery up there. The floor's wet.

-Right.

-Oh, and you need some more bog roll.

Jimmi, I'm not being funny, but have you seen yourself?

-What do you mean?

-Well, here you are, Friday night, cleaning.

Someone's got to do it, haven't they?

It's no wonder you're on a dry spell.

You should be out there giving it some, while you've still got it.

-Oh, really? Is that right?

-Hey...

..you're only young once.

ANIMATED CHATTER

You're not going, are you?

No, no, no, I was just, er...

Good. Because Cyrenia wouldn't like that,

and she always gets what she wants.

Does she now?

HE EXHALES

Oh! A bit lively.

Mm.

It's not bad, this, when you get a taste for it.

-I've just cleaned that.

-Oh, er...sorry.

No, no, no, not that one!

-I have had a long day, you know.

-Oh, and I haven't?

-Sorry!

-So, why am I coming home to a pigsty?

When you live with someone, you should chip in. I'm not your servant.

You sound like my mum.

Oh, really? Do you know what you sound like?

You sound like a lazy, selfish, little git!

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, so you're off.

Yeah, heading into town. Cab's here.

Why do I get the feeling that this is going to be all over the Mill come Monday?

I don't know what you mean.

You know what? Go for it, Daniel. You knock yourself out.

Don't sweat it, all right? My lips are sealed.

Why do I not believe you on that?

Look, you focus on having a good time, all right?

And watch out for that scary Valexion.

Yodreth! Art hungry?

Verily, My Lady.

Then do join us for our feast.

Keep going, mate.

Joel, Dr Vere told me that when you were speaking to him earlier,

you felt there was someone else also in the room.

-Do you remember?

-My wife, I should imagine.

Ah. And...you saw her very clearly?

As clearly as I can see you.

Why do you think that was?

Did you meet her at all?

-Lorna?

-I'm not sure.

Oh, no. Gracie would've been quite young - our daughter.

I remember her one time screaming all the way through rehearsals.

Yes.

Well...a few years after that,

Lorna was at her classes

and I'd stopped off at the pub after work.

As you do.

When she got home...I was on the sofa.

And Gracie wasn't in bed.

She'd just wandered off.

And, of course, it was panic stations!

We searched the whole house, the street.

It was awful!

-Did you find her?

-At St Phil's.

She'd been knocked down!

Broken pelvis.

Bleed on the brain.

-Is she all right now?

-Yes.

She's fine.

Lorna lets me see her...sometimes.

Joel...?

It was all my fault, wasn't it?!

You need to try and calm down.

JOEL HYPERVENTILATES

And it's never going to stop...is it?

Ever!

You know your trouble, don't you?

You're fighting it.

You were fine until those friends of yours came in.

He's a colleague, no more than that.

Now you're embarrassed. You're ashamed of us.

No. No, that's not true.

Are you sure?

You shouldn't care what other people think.

I know that.

Just usually, this is more private, isn't it?

Doesn't that make it more exciting?

-Wahey! Hey-hey!

-Strumpet!

Where are thy manners?

Oh, have mercy, sweet Rhiannon!

Oh, be gone, foul villain!

Are we not betrothed?

WHOOPING

I'm just not sure this is me any more.

But that's the whole idea.

Not being you for a little while. Being someone else.

Yeah, I know that.

Are you really saying that your life is so perfect

that you don't need to just step out of it now and again?

Be someone else. Someone wild!

Or more powerful. More fun!

So, where's the shame in that?

You're right.

Of course you are.

Cyrenia is always right.

Cyrenia! So, er...this planet of yours, Cyrenia, Voluptuon?

-Valexion.

-Yeah, that's what I said. What's the weather there like?

Oh, it's always sunny. It only ever rains at night,

except at Christmas, when it snows all week. Pink snow!

SHE GIGGLES

TV BROADCAST

You OK?

Fair enough, I've been a bit slack.

And I know you like things to be organised,

with your OCD thing.

But I did think you said you'd got over that.

Not completely.

So, um...what can I do to help?

Huh! That's not all mine...is it?

Just shut up, Will, and get on with it.

So, it's a Friday night in, is it?

-CLINK!

-Sorry! Sorry!

I'll, um...I'll get rid.

Do you know what happened next, Cyrenia?

I took my smiting staff, and I smote him.

I smote him something rotten!

And that's how I came to win the higher ground.

Oh, I love a bit of higher ground.

SHE GIGGLES What does that even mean?

Sorry. Have you got the repair kit? She's broken her wing.

Hold that thought.

Holding.

Come on.

Hail, glorious prince.

And how fare you two love birds?

I have to say, she's a really interesting person.

And is that it?

Well, you can't deny she cuts quite an imposing figure.

But you do know who she is, though?

Yes, she is Cyrenia. Mistress of...

Who's it what's now?

Don't you recognise her?

No. Is she famous?

It's Tina, you berk!

Your sister, Tina?

Don't you remember her?

Well, no, Tina was a teenager.

Look, I'm not saying it's a problem.

Clearly you are, dude.

I just wasn't sure if you knew, that's all.

Just have a good night, OK?

Have a good night, everybody's telling me to have a good night.

You said that you'd been drinking.

-Scotch.

-Is that all?

Well, between you and me, I may have had the odd doobie, as well.

-Meaning?

-Pot.

Hashish.

But of course they don't call it that now.

Have you always smoked that?

On and off.

Never really seen the harm.

And this is just regular cannabis?

Well, yes, until recently.

The last one I had was a little stronger.

Mm-hm. What was that called?

I don't know.

Vixen?

Viper?

I wouldn't touch the stuff normally,

but the chap was practically giving it away.

And I was four sheets to the wind, to be honest.

And when did you last have that?

This afternoon.

Finished it up.

I've been a complete idiot, haven't I?

At my age!

And I can't make it stop.

OK, I need you to take some deep breaths.

HE BREATHES QUICKLY

It's never going to stop!

Start counting. One...

Just help me, will you?! Help me!

Lorna, please!

Don't look at me like that!

Get away from me!

Ambulance, please.

I know! It's all my fault!

The Mill Health Centre. Priority.

-Fast as you can.

-Make it stop!

Just make it stop!

Now then, where were we? You were just conquering the Gormadons.

-Do you want another drink?

-Mmm. Something strong and sweet.

Like you.

You know, I hadn't realised, we've met before.

-Have we?

-Yeah, many times. At Paul's 21st, graduation.

You were always younger than the rest of us.

You're younger now, obviously.

I really can't remember.

Yeah, that sums me up, doesn't it?

I'm instantly forgettable.

Oh, come on, Al. It was what, 20 years ago?

I tell you what. Why don't we just move on?

Where to?

Find a club or somewhere.

They'd love us!

-I'd like to...

-But?

I just don't think it's a good idea.

Why not? Because my big brother said so?

It would be a bit weird, wouldn't it?

I don't see why. We're both grown-ups.

I see it now. Of course, you're Tina.

Oh, so I've aged that badly, have I?

No, no, no, it's the likeness.

Oh, so I look like Paul now!

-A bit.

-Is that so terrible, is it?

-It's just strange.

-Oh, thanks a lot.

No, it's strange that, you know, I hadn't noticed before.

Rough night, huh?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Nothing on.

Some Friday night, eh?

Do you wish you were still married?

It's just that, like, you're sat here on your Jack.

-It's not all it's cracked up to be.

-Is that right?

Maybe it was just me.

I remember her from the wedding.

-Cherry?

-Yeah, dead nice, she was. Gorgeous.

Yeah, really nice. She slept with my best mate

and then lied about trying to have a baby.

-Ouch.

-Yeah. Then there was Heather, she ran off back to her ex.

That's a bad one.

You're right, though, I'm in a rut.

-No, I didn't mean anything by it.

-No, you're spot-on.

So what are you going to do about it?

I've been trying to find a way of being happy with myself.

Deffo, yeah. But...

But what?

But you've still got to get your rocks off, haven't you?

-Lose the dragon suit.

-How?

-Well, I don't know, do I?

-Hold him still.

-OK, I'm going to need water and a towel.

-Steady.

-He's overheated, possible hyponatremia.

-What's that?

He's drunk too much water.

I hope he's got something on underneath this.

Well, there's only one way to find out. Ladies, avert your eyes.

Ah, well, there's a relief! Sort of.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

Cool down.

Look how a man destroys himself.

It can do a lot of damage.

People just don't realise the risks.

And it's cheap, of course.

It's all over the place. The police aren't interested.

-It's so random, that's the problem.

-In what way?

Well, it used to be if you had the same weed,

you'd have the same side effects, but this synthetic stuff,

there's just no telling what it's going to do.

So what's your solution, Doctor Vere?

Don't know, legalise it, maybe.

-Oh, come on.

-There's an argument for it. The proper plant, I mean.

Put the man-made stuff out of business.

How long would that take?

You've got to start somewhere, Heston.

Yeah, but something needs to be done now.

That is the first time in the history of stag dos

that the best man has drank too much water.

Thanks, Al.

It's not a problem.

Yeah, cheers, mate.

Look, I'll go with him, love.

No, no, no, no, I'll go.

-Don't be silly.

-Come on, tonight's your big night. I'll text you, yeah?

Wow.

That was quite something.

Oh, well, you know, it's all in a day's work.

Although, truth be told, I don't tend to treat that many reptiles.

You know, you were probably right.

-Was I?

-What with you knowing our Paul all this time,

it might have been a bit close to home.

I think that you are spectacularly attractive.

-It's the outfit you find attractive.

-No, no, it's not that.

Underneath it, I'm just a single mother called Tina,

who works in IT, with two kids and a mortgage.

OK. Well, I'm a GP called Al and I live alone

with my comic book collection.

And I will see you at that wedding.

I'm going to see you at the wedding, and I'm probably going

-to see you at the wedding, too.

-You will be there, right?

I would not miss it for all the ale in Aylesbury.

As the Kingdom knows...

..A wizard enjoys a good booze up.

Good morrow, dear friends.

Good morrow, chaps!

Cheers, Jimmi.

-So what about you?

-What about me?

You happy with your love life?

Oh, yeah, no, I'm sound, yeah.

I'm not really serious about anyone or anything, really.

Why should I be?

Yeah, I guess.

It's going well with Erin, though?

You do know we're just mates, right?

You like her, don't you?

-Yeah, she's great.

-Give her a shout then, why don't you?

-See what she says.

-Yeah, right!

I think she'd be up for it.

Oh, come on. Why would she be interested?

Why wouldn't she be? You're not that decrepit, yet.

-Watch it!

-See, there you go!

What's stopping you?

It's not really what I'm looking for.

Oh, don't give me all that.

You'd be well in there, seriously.

Jimmi, I think you should go for it.

Jimmi, we've had a shout. Possible Viper overdose.

-Can Heston come?

-Why not?

Are you happy to accommodate small idiosyncrasies?

-Does she even know he's dead?

-I wouldn't have thought so,

I don't think she knows what planet she's on.

Maybe he's Spanish mafia and there's a body in that case,

that's why it's so heavy.

Oh, dear god.