A Chip off the Old Block? Doctors

Is this the DIY class?

-Not yet.

-Oh, yeah. I am a bit early.

But this is the right place, though, yeah?

-Oh, that depends. What's your name?

-Sid Vere.

-Yeah, you're in the right place.

-Good.

SID CHUCKLES

Um...what exactly are we going to be doing?

It's just I don't know very much about the course.

My mum signed me up for it.

Yeah, she's got it in her head that I need to brush up on my DIY skills.

I mean, I can hang a picture, even fix a leaky tap,

I've just had some issues with flat-pack furniture.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Your mum's a shrewd woman.

She'll save herself a fortune in the long run.

-How do you mean?

-No need for expensive plumbers and builders.

She'll soon have a certified handyman under her roof.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I've just bought my own place.

I don't still live with my mum. That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

Right. A-hem!

I had no idea. He's a bit young to be cashing in his chips.

Must have a decent pension pot.

If he can afford to retire early, why not?

-Mrs Barrett's ECG.

-OK, great. Thank you.

Yeah, tell her I'll follow it up in the morning.

-Is someone retiring?

-Edward Lockyear.

He works at the Redgrove practice.

He's doing the right thing, you know.

Most GPs can only hack it for so long.

Heston - his best days are behind him.

Hmm. He hasn't got much longer left, has he?

If I had his money, I'd be in that Italian villa all year round.

We'll see. Ruhma's not ready to retire any time soon.

Heston's just biding his time.

Mm. Yep. I'm getting traces of vanilla and, um...and cedarwood.

A little too oxidised for my palate.

Is that the wine or the nachos?

Well, both. I am using the wine as a dip.

Here he is! Erin's been counting the seconds.

-How you doing?

-Er, yeah, so-so.

Well, we'll have to fix that. Red or white?

No, thanks, I'm not in a party mood.

-Shame. Why not?

-Have you two heard of Viper?

At the end of the course, you should have the confidence and ability

to take on a wide range of DIY tasks.

Everything from tiling walls to emergency plumbing.

But your ambitions needn't end there.

Some of my past students have gone on

to floating book shelves, recessed lighting...

Why pay top whack to plumbers, carpenters and electricians

when you can become the multi-skilled master of...

DOOR OPENS

What did I say? Made us late now, haven't you?

..your own domain.

Early, more like. Still the boring intro.

Can I help?

You're Graham, right? Graham Fenton?

-Correct.

-Jodie and Lewis Runacre.

We're here for the home maintenance class.

What? I thought you were going to the bingo?

What, so you can bunk off after the first two minutes? Don't think so.

What kind of numpty does a DIY course with his mum?

One like you, as it happens.

If you'd like to take a workstation,

and I'll brief everyone on the first practical task.

And what really worries me is that people haven't got the foggiest idea

about what they're taking.

I mean, if they're lucky, they'll be catatonic for a few hours,

and if not, they might be dead within a few hours,

maybe even minutes. And it's everywhere.

-It's on the streets, homeless shelters, nightclubs.

-Yeah.

Next time we're out clubbing, remind me to always check the label.

You know what us young 'uns are like,

with our crazy discotheques, and our dangerous drugs.

That's not what I meant.

Look, Erin's a sensible girl. She keeps me on the straight and narrow.

Yeah, proper Girl Guide, me.

It's dead sweet that you're worried about us, Jimmi,

but there's no need. We're pretty clued-up about Viper.

There was a team briefing at St Phil's last week,

and we've seen a few cases since then.

OK, right.

Sure I can't tempt you? Might help cheer you up a bit.

-Go on, then.

-I'll get you a glass.

DRILL WHIZZES

Bish-bash-bosh, innit?

-What now?

-Well, we wait for the others to finish.

It isn't straight.

-What?

-The right bracket's slightly lower than the left one.

-You're saying it's wonky?!

-Right. Wonky.

There's at least half a centimetre in it.

Half a centimetre? Are you taking the...?!

Why don't you remove the right bracket,

then make the correct measurement, and re-fix it in the correct spot?

Mm! No slouch, is he?

Honestly, I don't know where he gets it from!

Well, I wish I got that sort of encouragement whenever I let rip!

It was a big moment. He hadn't passed wind in over three days.

-But the worst thing...

-No! He followed through?

No! But we all gave him a round of applause, poor guy!

Sister gave me a right ear-bashing.

I think maybe you had to be there.

Sorry, no, don't mind me.

Actually...there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

-Oh, yeah?

-I've met someone.

Oh! Er...good. Great. Good for you.

Is it someone special?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Someone special.

We're getting on really well so far.

Is it OK if he stays over tonight?

You don't need to ask my permission, do you?

Excuse me. Need to powder my nose.

So she doesn't mind?

-Mind what?

-You know, your new bloke.

-Well, why would she?

-Yeah, no, of course.

Besides, she's only got eyes for you.

-Right.

-You're hilarious!

She likes you, you like her. Nothing is standing in your way.

Why don't you just go for it?

-You off out, then?

-In a bit, yeah.

I think we're just going to go to the pub.

I should probably skedaddle.

Don't be daft. Why don't you chill with Jimmi? He's not going anywhere.

You're not going anywhere, are you?

Ooh! Just how I like it - strong and sugary, like my men!

SHE LAUGHS

I'm only joking. I use sweetener.

-Have you finished already?

-Not quite.

I'm a bit parched. Fancied a brew.

Help yourself.

No Mrs Fenton, then?

No wedding ring.

Still waiting for the right girl to come along?

Excuse me.

Um...I'd just like to ask you a favour.

My son Lewis, he's not very academic, bless him.

Left school last year with not much to show for it.

But he's great at anything practical.

Put that shelf up in no time, didn't he?

Well, I try to encourage craftsmanship more than speed.

Well, he's good at that, and all. You must know loads of tradesmen.

Maybe one of them's looking for an apprentice?

Possibly, but I'd only recommend somebody I can personally vouch for,

and I barely know your son.

Well, we can soon put that right.

How about a little one-to-one after the class?

That way, you can get to know him better, see that he's a good lad.

Everyone pays the same price for the course.

It wouldn't be right to offer preferential treatment.

No, I suppose not.

I'm not an employment agency, you know.

-Is that the only reason you came?

-No!

Not the ONLY reason.

I've wanted to do an evening class for ages.

I was leafing through the brochure,

and your little face jumped out at me.

Cheers. You're a star.

Glad someone thinks so.

You OK?

He doesn't remember me.

Oh, have you done one of these classes before?

No, no. I met him a long time ago.

Ships that pass in the night.

Oh, really?

I thought he might remember.

Just two more minutes, and then we'll see how everyone's done.

-I'll let you get on.

-OK. Thanks.

Thank you. So, this new guy, Will's new boyfriend, do you know him?

No, but I've heard lots of good things.

Will doesn't normally get excited, so maybe he's a keeper.

Oh! Hi.

Jimmi, hi.

Do you two know each other?

Yeah, but I had no idea you were Will's uncle.

I had no idea that you two were friendly.

Friendly?

-WILL CHUCKLES

-Yeah, we're friendly, right?

This isn't awkward, is it?

No, not a bit.

I mean, I hope you don't mind.

No, I'm...really pleased.

Yeah, that's Jimmi's pleased face.

You see, this way, he gets to spend time with Erin all by himself.

Hey. I'm Erin. How you doing?

Good. Yeah, all good.

So, are you two, um...

-What?

-Do you mean, are they friendly?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, sure they are.

Though there is potential for them to be even more friendly

-as soon as we're out of the way.

-Will...

Well done, Will. You've managed to embarrass all three of us

-in under a minute.

-Well, it's what I do. Goodbye! Come on.

Into cougars, are you?

Sorry?

My mum. Bit old for you, isn't she?

Yeah. I mean, no.

-Possibly.

-Should've guessed why she dragged me here.

She's always scoping out some fella.

-One of her exes, are you?

-No. Nothing like at all.

She just lent me a pencil, that's all.

You seem all right. Better than her usual sort.

Look, mate, you're barking up the wrong tree.

Oh, yeah? Which tree SHOULD I bark up?

Er...

What?

Not him?

Who told you that?

-Did she tell you that?!

-Look, it's none of my business, OK?

CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow.

Do you want to watch a bit of TV?

I'm rather enjoying the Bach.

-I see Viper's in the news again.

-Mm-hmm.

-Did you read the article?

-Yeah.

Hey, did you ever take drugs, you know, back in the day?

"Back in the day"?

In your heady youth.

I think there were some fairly typical student parties,

not that I really remember.

Because of the drugs?

No, because my heady youth was a long time ago,

-as you love to remind me.

-What?

Hey, I was joking. Did I hit a nerve?

You know, these chemical-based drugs are quite a problem.

A couple of weeks ago, no-one had heard of Viper,

now it's all over Letherbridge,

and we don't really know what we're dealing with.

Then we need to just find out a bit more, don't we?

Yeah, but then in a while, it'll be superseded by something else

immediately available on the internet,

and we'll never get to grips with it.

You know, that sounds like defeatist attitude.

It's not defeatist, it's just realistic.

Heston, things are changing all the time.

You know, we either keep pace with the brave new world,

or we get left behind, like the, um...

Dinosaur?

SHE SIGHS

Use a liberal measure of adhesive,

and spread it across the wall, like so.

You know this guy? You've got history?

Then, use the notched spreader to create a more even covering.

It were a long time ago.

Now, once you've got a consistent layer of adhesive,

place the first of your tiles in the corner, next to your two battens.

How long ago?

Before you were born. It were only a fling.

You should then insert a couple of spacers

between this tile and the next one.

These ensure that your gaps are perfectly even.

But we did have a good connection, or so I thought at the time.

Few things are more ugly and offensive

than an inconsistent grout line.

It's details like this

that separate a sloppy amateur from a consummate handyman...

He WAS very good with his hands.

Mum!

..or handywoman.

Aw! Listen to this!

It's a couple who had the wedding from hell.

Bride got food poisoning, best man went AWOL,

the place flooded, and then to cap it all off,

the photographer lost the memory stick, and all the photos are gone.

Maybe that was just as well.

What? No, They're devastated.

-So guess what they did.

-Got divorced?

No. Three months later, they took the wedding photos again.

That is ridiculous.

Why? Second time round, there's no stress, there's no scheduling.

It's all about focusing and having the best possible wedding photos.

Well, they're not wedding photos, they are

three-months-after-the-wedding photos.

-OK, pedant.

-I mean, does reality count for nothing?

All people seem to want

is to post flattering images of themselves online,

advertising their supposedly perfect lives.

Don't forget your spacers.

You need to use plastic spacers, remember?

Oh! Memory like a sieve!

Still, never forget a face. How about you?

You've got too big a gap over here.

And let's try and adjust them before the adhesive starts to set.

There we are.

Nice touch. Thank you.

Don't go mixing business and pleasure, mate.

She's not interested. Not any more.

I think you've got the wrong idea.

No, I think YOU'VE got the wrong idea.

-Er...Lewis?

-Yeah?

I could use an extra pair of hands, if you've got a spare minute.

No, it doesn't feel the least bit weird. Why would it?

I just thought that, you know, you two were so close,

that it might be strange with you... seeing him with Ben, you know?

That would imply that I fancy Will, which I don't.

Even if he wasn't gay, I wouldn't fancy him. He's not my type.

In fact, I've always had a thing for older men.

You're a cool guy, Jimmi. Very laid back.

Most doctors I know are terminally uptight.

A-ha! Well, thank you, um...

I'm not really sure how well you know me.

Not as well as I'd like to know you.

What gets me most is that she pretends

like we're here because of me.

Like this course is going to help me get a job, or something.

Maybe it will. I mean, it can't do any harm, can it?

We're only here because she's sniffing out some new fella.

Or an old one.

Her car-crash love life - that's all she ever thinks about.

Even mums deserve a love life.

And, anyway, evening classes are a great way to meet people, so...

Yeah, well, I wouldn't mind if she had better taste.

Her blokes are always a mistake.

Losers, weirdos...

They never treat her right.

You should've waited before cutting these tiles. They're too big.

-No, no, no, I've factored in the batten, look.

-And the grout line?

Schoolboy error, mate. That's how it should be done.

THEY CHUCKLE

Something wrong?

Er...I...

don't think this is a good idea.

Why?

Well, I'm old enough to be your dad,

and it just doesn't feel right to me.

Maybe I was wrong about you being laid back.

HE SIGHS

Can I say something?

Now that you're obviously a father figure, knock yourself out.

OK, look, um...Will is great.

I mean, he's a good friend, he's great fun, you're really close.

It's just that maybe...

Maybe you should hang out

with people that you have more in common with.

-Straight people?

-No! No.

No.

Well, I mean, yes. If you want to meet a guy, then yes, why not?

You're young, you're single, you're attractive.

You should make the most of it.

Ooh! Nice work!

-You can make a start on our bathroom tomorrow.

-Yeah, can we go now?

We can't afford too many mistakes. The course has got a tight budget.

Sorry, my bad.

Just use Tinder next time, and don't involve me.

We're not just here cos of him.

I wanted you to have a goal. Focus on something practical.

Don't give me that! It's never about me.

All you ever think about is yourself.

We're going to shoot off early.

Oh. OK. Make sure you tidy up before you go.

-Of course.

-See you next week, then.

Don't hold your breath.

You really don't remember me, do you?

Club Nova, '99.

-Argh!

-Oh! Look what you've done to yourself!

That's a really deep cut. Do you have a first-aid kit?

Yeah, it's over here.

You know what? I know my own mind.

To suggest that I don't, it's patronising.

That's not what I meant.

It's just this whole situation with me and you and Will,

-I mean, come on, it's complicated!

-How is it complicated?

Because I'm his uncle, and you're his friend.

Will is totally cool with the idea of you and me.

We talk about you all the time.

Of course you do. That's exactly my point!

It's only you making it complicated.

You're putting up barriers,

all because of some dull, misguided morality.

Look, I shouldn't have let it get this far, OK? I'm sorry.

Shame.

DOOR CLOSES

Yeah, I'm afraid you are going to need stitches.

She looks so different now.

But it was a long time ago. 18 years.

So, what is this Club Nova, then?

I only went there the once.

My cousin's stag do.

Jodie came out of nowhere, dragged me onto the dancefloor.

When she found out I lived nearby, she invited herself back.

-I didn't mind.

-SID LAUGHS

We stayed up until dawn, just talking...at first.

I suppose you'd call it a one-night stand.

So, what, you never saw her again?

I got up late the next day, she'd left a note,

"Thanks for a great night."

No number, no address.

And then...years later, she came and found you.

No. It's just a coincidence.

How old would you say he was, her son?

Um...I don't know. It's hard to tell, really.

She said he left school last year.

That would mean he's about...

..17.

We're going to make a move.

You knew where I lived. I thought you might have got back in touch.

Well, I wanted to, but... things changed.

I met someone else.

Are you going to give me a lift home, or what?

I've already wasted enough of my time.

Don't speak to her that way.

Your mother's the most important person you'll ever know.

She gave birth to you, changed your nappies, put up with your tantrums.

And what does she ask for in return?

Nothing but a bit of love and respect.

Thanks, Teach. Like it's any of your business!

It's entirely my business.

Oh, and how do you work that one out?

Are you going to tell him, or shall I?

-Tell him what?

-The reason you came here.

-It's obvious where he gets it from.

-Gets what from?

-The apple never falls far from the tree.

-What?

Why are you talking riddles?

-I'm your father.

-Ooh!

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

It's quite a big thing now, you know.

-What is?

-Wedding photo reshoots.

Lots of people are doing them, especially in the States.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Why shouldn't you have a second chance of redoing your photos?

Especially if it reminds you of your wedding day.

Because some wedding days are best forgotten.

Ah, thank you!

Oh, you know what I mean.

Our nuptials weren't exactly ideal.

Exactly.

That is exactly my point, Heston.

Sorry, what IS your point?

Look at these.

That's a local studio, and... they just look beautiful.

So, would you like a lift to the hospital?

So stupid!

Not really. I mean, the maths did seem to check out.

Yeah, but not the finer points.

I'm pretty sure we took precautions.

-HE SIGHS

-I should feel relieved,

but the notion of being a dad was strangely comforting.

I thought I'd found a chip off the old block.

You're still young - there's plenty of time for chips.

-DOOR OPENS

-Mum...

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

No. Course not.

Believe me, I'd be happy if you WERE Lewis' dad.

Gary's not much use to anyone. He can barely wire a plug.

I thought it was your way of introducing us.

So, why did you come here?

I thought it might do Lewis some good, like I said.

And...I were curious.

I wanted to see if you'd changed.

-And have I?

-No, not really. You're still a bit stuffy.

THEY CHUCKLE

I think that's why I liked you. Not my usual type.

Um...same time next week?

Yeah, same time next week.

-Right, then, er...shall we?

-Yeah.

Come on.

Can we drop it now, please?

Yeah, as soon as you say yes.

I do not need some tacky, reconstructed photo

to remind me of my wedding day.

In spite of everything that went wrong,

I got to say "I do" to the woman I love, and that's enough for me.

OK, bottom line, Heston, we don't have any wedding photos,

-and I... I really want some.

-Well, you can't always have what you want.

I didn't want you to see you frogmarched down the aisle

by a policeman, but it happened.

We can't restage events like a tacky pantomime.

But wouldn't it be nice just to have a few photos,

of you in your beautiful suit, and me in my dress?

That ship has sailed.

Come on! It'd be lovely.

Shak and Alia would be really excited, you know.

Oh, we could invite the guests, as well!

OK, just a few people.

This is getting more ridiculous by the second.

But it shouldn't feel ridiculous. Lots of people are doing it.

I do not doubt it. People would do any vain,

self-serving thing that you could think of.

I would not, neither would you, I hope.

So, can we just shut up about it?

SHE SIGHS

Not here, we'll wake up Jimmi!

WILL GIGGLES

Oh. Hi.

Um...yeah, we thought you'd gone up already.

Er...yeah, not quite.

Is Erin upstairs?

No. No, she went, er...a while ago.

Oh. Did you have a nice time?

Yeah, it was fine.

WILL FEIGNS A YAWN

Right! Well, um...yeah, I just think we're going to...

We're going to head up. Goodnight.

Um...night.

Night.

GIGGLING

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Mick? Meet Ruhma.

-Oh!

-Welcome to the madhouse.

I had no idea Will was your nephew.

-Yeah, well, how could you?

-Can I ask a favour?

Can we keep this between ourselves?

Yeah. Fine by me.

You know that she's vulnerable,

so why would you be in that room alone with her?

-I don't have to justify myself to you.

-No?