A Man Called Brown Doctors

WILD WEST INSTRUMENTAL

BARKING

Yes, I am about to post your cards to Auntie Ag right now.

You know, honestly, between you and a broken computer,

I might as well train as...a postman.

Yeah, no, I'm still here. Um...

There is a cowboy looking at me from across the road.

No, I'm not hallucinating. Charming!

Next time, post your own flipping letters!

OK, yeah. Bye.

YELLING

Oh. I didn't know you were in.

Because we're still offline, I am typing urgent documents

and posting them. Posting!

How very retro.

But I can't get it to print.

Let me see.

You've got documents in your print queue.

Yeah, but how do I delete them?!

And, look, this is just gobbledegook.

-Dingbats.

-Exactly!

No, no, no. it's a font. You must have changed it by mistake. Here.

Oh, right.

What about this stupid machine?

And don't say, "Turn it off and on again".

-WHISPERS:

-Turn it off and on again.

WHIRRING

CREAKING

Oh!

Yes. Yes, I can talk now.

I mean, I could talk before, but I couldn't talk,

if you know what I mean. Now I can't stop talking! Sorry.

I just wanted to see if you'd thought about my, er...proposal.

I need more time.

Take as much as you want.

How long do you think you'll need, roughly?

Monday? End of next week?

Oh, Ashley!

Being with you is the only thing that matters!

I love you and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together!

-Valerie?

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

It's just...you're already married!

And if you're as unhappy as you say you are, then...

-I am!

-Then why did you stay with her?

I don't know. Scared, I suppose.

Perhaps I was waiting for you.

It's a shame you didn't realise that sooner.

I know - but this is our chance, Valerie.

I don't know.

I'm going to have to think about it.

-I understand.

-Bye, Ashley.

Au revoir.

No, a bientot.

What?

I've got good toes?

No, it means "see you soon".

Oh. Right. See you soon.

Bye.

SHE SIGHS

Oh! Huh!

They're running a bit behind. Who was that on the phone?

Just work.

-Right, we'd better get back in there.

-Yeah.

-THEY CHUCKLE

-Good.

-Huh!

-Pay cheque?

No, no, this could be even better than that.

SMASH!

I thought the printer was the problem?!

Smashing it to pieces is not going to help.

It helped me.

EMMA SIGHS

Look at this, from yesterday. Useless!

Can you recycle electrical goods if they've been smashed to pieces?

-Valerie?

-Definitely.

Or not. What was the question?

Talking of questions...

If this is anything to do with you-know-who...

-No, it's not.

-OK.

Hypothetically, if two people are meant to be together,

though it didn't work out before,

is it OK for them to get back together,

-even though a marriage will be broken up?

-Valerie!

-Hypothetically.

-I'm not talking about this stuff with you!

Is that your final answer?

-It's him!

-Ashley?

No, the cowboy from this morning.

Cowboy?

Oh! Oh, he's coming, he's coming. Oh! Ooh! Oh-oh-oh!

Maybe he's got an appointment.

The name's Brown.

Have you got an appointment, Mr Brown?

Just Brown.

I'm looking for a gentleman I know. I'm told he comes in here.

Well, we can't give out patient details.

Can't...or won't?

Both - but mostly can't, because of the law.

He'll want to talk to me.

We can't help you.

Is there anything else?

What was that about?

Goodbye.

Everything OK?

Mrs Loom from the CQC,

just checking we are ready for our NHS inspection next week.

-Are we?

-Our IT expert is making little headway.

We are having great difficulties communicating with St Phil's

and some of our patient data is still locked.

Some things are back to normal,

but we are nowhere near a smooth, integrated system.

Hm! But apart from that...

I am so sorry to paint such a gloomy picture.

Is there something you wanted to talk about?

Er... Um... Yeah. What can I do to help?

Oi! I don't know what your game is, but you can't stop here!

-Says who?

-Says us!

I'm waiting for Silas.

This is private property!

If you don't move along, I'm going to call the police!

Better get a wriggle on, mate, because her husband's a copper.

What about now?

Is it still private property?

Problem solved.

Look, whoever you want to speak to probably isn't even here.

Tell him I'm a friend of Clarence.

Why do you want to talk to him?! What's so important?!

It's about the time he shot my dad.

Tell Silas to be out here by 12 noon, or he'll be sorry.

Um...Mrs Tembe, I've been reading about a practice

with similar problems to ours last year,

and they were put into special measures.

Yes. That is why I have decided to hold a full staff meeting.

-Really?

-Yes.

Just so we can be honest about our current situation.

Perhaps a member of staff can suggest something we haven't tried.

Don't you think that sounds a bit desperate?

No. I think it will be good for morale.

Show them that they are trusted -

and it is far more productive

than throwing around valuable office equipment.

Yes, I know all about it.

Perhaps we can talk about it later, Dr Carter.

-Stop it!

-What?

-You're looking up the Zika virus.

-No.

He'll be fine.

You heard what the midwife said - growth spurts.

It's best to have all the information.

Oh, I suppose.

I mean, I try to be a supportive husband.

This is like the antenatal class

when you wouldn't let me join in with the breathing exercises.

I'm sorry, but you sounded like Darth Vader. It was putting me off.

I told Sophie.

From work? What did she say?

She said having a small head doesn't sound such a bad thing.

She had four stitches having her first.

Oh! Well, that's just trivialising.

She was trying to make me feel better!

It's like she's not even aware of the consequences

-of being born with a head in the lower percentile.

-Oh!

Hi, Helen, Ashley. I am sorry that we're keeping you waiting.

We're just still running behind a bit.

-How behind?

-Well, it's one more and then it's you.

-OK. Thanks, Ruhma.

-All right.

Elise? Hey, Brent. Do you want to come through?

Ooh! Mr Jukes? Could we have a word? It's important.

There's someone waiting for you outside.

A big bloke in a cowboy hat.

-A really big bloke.

-Right.

-You know him?

-Yeah.

He's been waiting all morning. We're worried that he wants to hurt you.

Something about shooting his dad. Does that ring any...?

Um...we could take you out the back exit,

or if you'd prefer, call the police and just wait here.

No, no, no, no.

If he's here, that means he's been around my house.

I need to see what he wants.

Are you sure? Because, er...well, he's a big bloke!

He's basically like a tank in a hat.

No. I need to do this.

I can call...

SHE WHISTLES THEME FROM THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

# Doodly-doodly-doo waa-waa-waa

# Doodly-doodly-doo waa-waa-waa. #

Silas. It's been a while.

Since the funeral.

I seem to remember you making me a promise.

I said if I saw you again, I'd kill you.

What you doing here, Brown? I was minding my own business.

You've got no right to go around my house, bothering my wife.

She said you're sick.

What if I am?

Maybe I've come to put you out your misery.

It's Clarence.

Yeah, I know. What do I want with a stuffed bear?

What's your game, Brown?

No game. I want to apologise.

Ha-ha!

I'm sorry for what happened at the funeral.

I shouldn't have said those things.

-I know it wasn't your fault.

-Is that right?

I want to make amends.

Go to hell!

-What?

-I don't accept your apology!

It was a dumb accident and your dad was dumb enough to get in the way!

-What...?!

-Stay away from me and my wife!

Stay away!

Oh! OK, third time lucky.

He's lively today, isn't it?

Hm! Yeah.

Come on! One clear image and then I can take your head measurements

and we'll know where we are.

Do you think it could it be the Zika virus?

I'm sorry. He's been on the internet.

Helen went abroad last year.

-Right.

-Didn't get vaccinated.

I went to Bruges.

Right. Firstly, Ashley, there is no vaccine for the Zika virus yet...

-You see?

-..and most importantly, the chances of getting the virus

when you're in Europe are very unlikely.

-Hm.

-Ashley, don't get worked up,

let's wait until we get a fuller picture, yeah?

Ooh! Hello. It seems like your belly's agreeing with me.

-Sorry.

-No, don't apologise.

I tell you what, I think the best thing would be

you go and have some lunch, have a little walk

and then you pop back and I'll squeeze you in,

-and hopefully this one's calmed down by then.

-OK.

-OK.

Your uncle? I thought you were really going to hurt him.

I get that quite a lot.

-It's my voice, it sounds a bit...

-Menacing?

I was going to say serious.

I'm actually just recovering from a cold. Mm-hm!

Oh.

So, OK, why high noon?

"12:00, or he'll be sorry."

I came on the coach. There isn't another one for four hours.

-Oh.

-I thought he'd be sorry if we didn't get to talk.

So... So, he didn't shoot your dad?

We had a farm.

Silas used to come around with the beers

and they'd go shooting rabbits.

They went out one day and the gun misfired.

-I'm sorry.

-At the funeral, I hit him. Pretty hard.

I said it was his fault, but...

..it was an accident, I know that.

Maybe you should try again.

Yeah, no, go on. It was a surprise,

and we told him that you were there to hurt him, so...

You know, take the bear with you. Everybody loves a bear.

And maybe...smile a bit.

Good luck.

The software is all out of date, the whole system is underfunded.

-Nurse Lee...

-Do you know how many complaints I've had

since this started?

Mr Macintosh and Miss Pitman will be dealing with that.

Patients shouldn't have to put up with this.

If we can't sort ourselves out,

then maybe we deserve what's coming to us.

That's ridiculous. It's not like we brought it on ourselves.

I agree with Ayesha, actually.

-Dr Vere...

-I was angry, too, at first,

but it didn't get me anywhere, did it?

-So I found some books on IT...

-Oh, everyone's an expert now.

..and I've been speaking to an old friend of mine, Toby,

who's actually Head of Communications

at Zip Tech International.

-Well, maybe we can get him in.

-He's in Johannesburg.

-Right.

-But he has given me some really useful advice on computers.

Basically, he's got me thinking of them as stripped-back logic.

You know, flows and systems. And if I can understand these,

I should, in theory, at least,

be able to understand where our problem's coming from.

Well, do you think you can solve this problem?

I'm on admin today, anyway. I've always been good at algorithms

and I've got Toby on the end of the phone, so...

And you were always very good

at fixing the technical stuff at the house.

It's hardly the same.

Well, if our IT professional isn't getting anywhere so far,

then what have we got to lose?

Right. Well, Dr Vere,

I will organise all the relevant information

to be brought to your office.

Thank you.

Oh-ho-ho!

Here we go. Right, that's better.

We should be able to get a lovely picture from that.

And...?

And...slap-bang in the middle of the right percentile.

You've got a very healthy baby.

Thank you. That's a relief.

Yes.

OK, Helen, your blood pressure is still a little bit high,

-so I'd like to set up some checks for you, if that's OK.

-OK.

Good luck. Congratulations. You are going to be a wonderful family.

You're kidding me. Mr Jukes!

I can see the family resemblance now.

I'm working. It's a retirement party.

Oh. Well, I bet they'll have a lovely time.

Did he go?

Um... Yes, yes, got away on the coach.

Is he really called Brown?

Yeah. My brother was an... unusual man.

-What's the story with the bear?

-I'm going to be late.

OK, fine. He's got rid of it now, anyway.

He got rid of it?

Mrs Tembe, are we really pinning our hopes

on Sid and his South African pen pal?

Let us at least give Dr Vere a chance.

Most of the hackers are self-taught amateurs.

So, you know, maybe Sid's exactly what we need.

-So, it takes one to know one?

-Hm.

I must say, I do admire

how positive you have stayed during this crisis.

Hm. Well, I had some good news this morning. Er...

I am now a qualified counsellor.

Dr Clay! Ah, congratulations!

Yeah, it was quite a surprise after the final assessment.

How so?

Trust me, you don't want to know.

Well, at least we have some good news.

We can offer our patients another service.

I will e-mail the rest of the staff straightaway.

-Oh, Mrs Tembe, no.

-Hm? Wha...?

Ah! All right, yeah.

I will go and tell them in person.

-Well done!

-Hm.

You all right?

Hey! Silas! Silas?!

Where is he? Where's Clarence?

-I don't know, I just got here.

-You took him, didn't you?

I gave him to you in the first place. You threw him away!

-And that was your fault!

-Hey, hey, hey! Let's calm this down.

I take back my apology.

Yeah? Well, I don't want it, anyway.

-And your dad was a drunk!

-Stop it!

I was sick of looking after him.

If he can't go after rabbits without shooting his own head off,

-then maybe he got what was coming to him.

-Oi-oi-oi! Just...

With a dad like that, no wonder you turned out like this!

Argh!

You punch like a little boy.

Will you pack it in?! Or the bear gets it!

Yeah, I've got it.

Who puts a bear in a bin?

Honestly, you people!

HE SIGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR Hey.

-Hi, Daniel.

-How's it going?

-Yeah, yeah, good. Really good.

Well, I don't have any answers yet,

but I think I am starting to understand what the questions are.

Right. OK. Did Heston take your monitor?

Yeah, yeah, but it's fine. I'm not using the computer, anyway.

-You're not?

-No, no, no, no, no.

-The answers are here.

-What is it?

Well, I'm trying to draw parallels

between what I know about human biology,

which is a fair bit, and what I know about computers.

-Not so much.

-No, but I am learning.

We often talk about computers having viruses,

so perhaps it'll be helpful to think of our network as a patient.

-I'll leave you to it.

-Mm-hm.

You do know he wanted you to hit him?

People say stuff like that

when they think they deserve to be punched in the face.

What? She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Great. I'm not even going to ask.

-Sorry, Ayesha.

-Clinic in 20.

Two minutes.

So...whose bear is it?

Fine, I'll just drop it off at the charity shop on my way home.

I'm not sure they'll take it, though,

because it looks like it's been used for target practice.

Oh! Oh, it really has.

Growing up, my brother was always smashing up my stuff.

He hated it if I had something that he didn't...

..but he never got his hands on Clarence.

-Right.

-But then I gave it to Brown,

and Brown made his dad angry somehow, I forget why,

and he wanted to teach him a lesson.

Really, I just think he hated us spending time together.

So, he shot your teddy bear?

Put it on the fence and pulled the trigger.

I tried to stitch it back up.

-That's not very nice.

-No.

Mum was gone.

It was just me and Dad...

..and Silas, when he came by.

We used to watch old western movies.

My dad was drinking, or working, but mostly drinking.

So, why give it back? I mean, why not just post it?

What's really going on here?

No, no, take your time.

You've got 20 minutes before the place opens!

I'm having a son.

-You are?

-It got me thinking...

..about how things were,

how you used to look after me when Dad didn't.

Life's too short to bear grudges.

Listen, you were right in the first place.

I bought the beers, I loaded the gun.

-He used to leave it out in the rain.

-What?

When he was drinking.

That's probably why it misfired. Nothing to do with you.

And you couldn't have told me this?

-You weren't there.

-You told me to go!

My dad had just died. He might have been useless, but...

How am I supposed to tell you anything if you're never there?

Here he is. What's that, Clarence?

Oh! You want to go home? I think that's a really good idea.

Oh, and you don't care who you go home with?

Well, neither do I.

OK, yeah, yeah. Cheers. Thanks, Toby.

I'll speak to you later. Nice one.

I think Daniel's worried that Toby might be an imaginary friend.

Yeah, it has got a bit mad in here -

but I've been back on the server and found some interesting things

about people's internet habits.

-OK.

-Buddhism, Jimmi.

-OK.

-Now, I know it's all about peace and love...

Well, it's a bit more complicated than that, but...

Yeah, but some of the popups on those websites you've been visiting

-can be a bit more dangerous.

-Really?

Yeah - and you're not the only one. Basically, everyone was a suspect.

Zara, with her international shoe shopping,

Daniel's online golf habit, Ruhma...

You know, Ruhma does her bargain-hunting

in some pretty interesting places.

Even Mrs Tembe looking up a Bible quote,

all these websites have links, and when you click on those links,

-not so good.

-So, what are you saying, that we're all to blame?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

With help from my mate Toby, I've ruled most of these out.

Which means the only possible cause is...

Oh! Hm!

Oh, yeah. OK, mate, thanks a lot. Cheers.

Sam, he's going to stand in for me.

His Rhinestone Cowboy isn't as good as mine,

but I don't think they'll notice the difference.

-You sure?

-Yeah, positive.

We've got some catching up to do, haven't we?

-Fancy another?

-Thanks.

Two more whiskeys, please, mate.

I'll tell you what, you can sleep on the sofa

and I'll take you back in the morning.

-You don't have to do that.

-I want to.

Then I can meet young Silas and his mum.

There's still a month left...

..and I am not calling him Silas.

Oh. We'll see.

So, how's the farm?

Still got a good orchard...

..but mostly, we turned it into a caravan park.

Seriously?

There's no money in farming.

We're going to build a pool next year.

Oh-ho-ho-ho! Your dad would have hated that.

There's a Wild West theme.

Ha-ha-ha! He'd have hated that even more!

Yeah, but good on you, champ.

Your, er...your dad had problems,

the way he treated you, and...

I mean, I popped in as often as I could, but it...

It was an accident, wasn't it?

What? Yeah! Yeah, yeah, of course it was.

It was like you said, he left the gun out in the rain.

Because I know I was angry,

but I've been thinking about it...

..and if that is what you did, then that wouldn't change anything.

Er...how are those whiskeys coming along, mate?

SMASH!

Are you crazy?!

That had whiskey in it. What a waste!

Sorry.

Cheers!

Cheers!

But Al lives and breathes this stuff.

I can't believe he'd be so stupid as to click on...

Look, here it is. Here it is.

An e-mail, it says they're launching a new medical app

trialled in Hong Kong. It's a game-changer.

Click on the link below for more information.

-And he did?

-Mm-hm.

I'm not telling him.

Don't look at me, I don't get paid enough for that.

Then we draw straws, or Mrs Tembe could do it, or something.

Look, I think one of the partners should tell him.

-Ha-ha! I'm still not doing it.

-OK.

Look, the NHS inspection is next week. Can we fix it by then?

-Me?

-Well, yeah.

Heston says that we have to fix it by then,

otherwise we might be in special measures.

Yeah, I know, but, look, I'm certain this is how the virus got in,

but fixing it is a whole other skillset.

How we put this right, I have no idea.

I'm so proud of you!

GCS is 9, pulse 97...

Stuart? Can you hear me?

-She's told you, then?

-Yes.

And did you have any thoughts?

Dad, don't start.

SHE SOBS