All Art Is Theft Doctors

Hi. I'm Kevin.

MANCUNIAN ACCENT: All right, lads? Simon Turner in the house.

HE SIGHS

UPPER-CLASS ACCENT: My name? Ah! R.F. Horsington.

Thank you.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: I'm Jimmy Rooney, and I've got to have my oats, pal!

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

-OK, you can start now.

-Oh, great.

So it looks like Al's computer was the source of the virus.

-Oh, what a surprise.

-It then copied itself onto the network from there.

And the good news is...?

We think we can isolate the problem and repair the systems.

Wonderful. Can we get on with it, then?

No point fixing the system unless we fix a few things in-house first.

-Such as?

-E-mails, for a start.

We need to be smarter about what we keep and what we download.

We're pretty smart anyway, aren't we, for the most part?

Emma, your yoga, wine-tasting and Spanish-cooking mailing lists

all triggered the anti-spyware programme.

When do you have time to do all that?

I don't, I just like to know what's going on.

The thing is, we're all to blame,

so we need to tighten security in general.

-We need new passwords, new discipline.

-Yeah.

So we're going to pare right back

on computers today while Jimmi and I...

With the help of Karen and Valerie...

Yes, do a complete overhaul of office IT.

So I need you to stay off the computers as much as possible

because the network is going to be down

intermittently throughout the day.

I'm going to need your laptops as well.

Heston and Emma, you're in charge of

helping run things as low-tech as we can manage.

-Sorry, why us?

-Hang on a minute.

I thought the whole point was to get the computers back.

It's the only way, if we want to be up and running

before the inspection tomorrow.

Which we do, very much so.

I will inform Dr Granger and Dr Carmichael.

I think this is a lesson learnt for everyone.

Because it's boring!

Because this place is full of children!

Kids who've just left Mummy and Daddy

and don't know what to do with themselves.

HE SIGHS

You're welcome.

So you're going to need to change all your passwords,

no fewer than nine characters, a combination of numbers and letters,

-upper case and lower case, please.

-I know.

And we'd like everybody to have a proper,

vigorous spring-clean of their inboxes.

Unreads down to zero.

Files tidied.

Anything you don't really, really, really need is to go in the bin.

-And I will be checking.

-Right.

-It's a much-needed digital hygiene.

-Yeah.

Give all those bits you haven't used for a long time a really good scrub.

OK. Of course. Thank you, Valerie. Do you mind...?

Don't forget, Daniel, clean your bits.

Yeah. Kevin Pritchard? I'm Dr Granger. Please come through.

-Thank you.

-Take a seat.

All right, what about this one?

That's from my mate Maggie, pictures of her new car.

OK. This one?

Icon bar. Money-off voucher.

From 2014?

This one?

OK, so, that started with me asking Mandy about her new-car day

and then it just sort of ballooned from there.

Who's Mandy? Karen, it belongs in the bin, all right? All of it.

No! No, no, no! Because that's a recipe for a chocolate...

I just haven't got around to... SHE SIGHS

Bin.

This is cruel because I've not got that saved anywhere else.

What, some photos about a second-hand hatchback,

or e-mails about a pie you're never going to make?

She was very proud of that car.

I'm not going anywhere until all that is in the bin

and then that bin is emptied.

-I hope you're going to be just as mean to everybody else.

-No!

You are.

Nice watch. Where did you get it?

Actually, it was a gift.

So tell me, would you say that these headaches are random,

or is there a pattern?

You know, if you drink coffee, or if you sleep too much?

What sort of coffee do you drink?

Better if we kept the focus on you, if that's OK?

Of course.

Have you been feeling stressed lately?

If I'm stressed, what should I do?

Well, there are some lifestyle changes that you could make.

What do you do if you're stressed?

I exercise and listen to music.

-But you need to find out what works for you.

-Right.

OK. Are you sexually active?

-Would you mind saying that again?

-Are you sexually active?

Oh, no, not especially.

OK. And what about your diet, how's that?

What sort of thing should I eat?

What do you make for dinner?

Forgive me, this meeting's about you, it's not about me.

Oh, no. Yeah, me, definitely. Sorry. Er...

Just wanted a few tips, that's all.

-Right.

-You seem very healthy, well-rounded.

-Well..

-Anyway, you've been a great help.

Oh. OK.

Well, if you need to talk, then please remember,

my door's always open.

Your door's always open.

Great. Thanks.

Welsh place names are always a good idea. Very hard to crack.

Like, what - Newport?

Ah, yes, no, but in Welsh,

Newport is C...Cas...Casnew.

It's very complicated.

A lot of Welsh names are.

Very complicated people too.

How does this help me with my e-mails?

It needs to be something random and hard to forget.

-Just like you.

-Exactly!

Oh, hello!

The inspection isn't until tomorrow.

I'm just in to double-check what time I'm expected

and to see if your lovely self fancies a spot of lunch.

Aw! Now, as tempting as that sounds,

I have got quite a lot on my plate already.

My figurative plate, obviously.

I am shouldering a lot of responsibility today.

Not even if I throw in a promise of profiteroles at the Icon?

-I've a voucher.

-Aw!

I'm afraid I am just going to have

to power on through lunch, if I'm honest.

Excuse me.

In which case, is there somewhere we could talk? Together? In private?

I am very busy.

Cyber-security waits for no-one.

It's important.

OK. Come on then.

I mean it, I will leave her.

Right.

Just...when everything's died down a bit, when the time's right.

I wouldn't want to be cruel, of course.

Of course.

But I will do what needs doing.

OK.

I'm so sorry I wasn't able to see you this weekend.

You know you mean the world to me.

I know.

Have you thought any more about my proposal?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Very much.

And...?

Well, it's a big life decision, isn't it?

I mean, it was lovely of you to ask me,

but I can't rush these things.

So I promise you, as soon as I have an answer,

you'll be the first to know.

Right.

Thank you.

I knew you'd understand.

OK, I'd better get back

because duty has no sweethearts, as they say.

Oooh! Did I hear you say you had a dessert voucher for the Icon?

-Ah! Well, I...I...

-I have been craving profiteroles like crazy.

I'll go halves with you.

-Well, um...

-You don't mind, do you, Valerie?

I just didn't think they'd be your sort of thing.

I love profiteroles!

And it'd be good to go over what

the nursing staff can do ahead of the inspection.

-Get some of that patient feedback.

-OK.

Well, I don't suppose...

And I thought it was high time

I got to know the man in your life properly.

-Of course.

-I want to make more of an effort.

I know how much you two mean to each other.

I think that's really lovely, Ayesha.

Great! I'll see you at 2:00.

PHONE RINGS

Dr Granger.

I need the verification codes. Have you got them?

Karen, codes?

I need to verify your accounts,

but they've sent the codes to you.

I don't know what any of that means.

I need the numbers that have been texted to your phone.

Oh. Right.

-Are you still there?

-Yeah, I'm still here,

but it looks like my mobile phone isn't. Can you ring it?

Oh, hang on.

HE EXHALES

-Anything?

-It's ringing.

Well, then, it's not here.

So, who's got the codes?

The person who's got my phone.

I thought we were tidying up e-mails, not launching nuclear missiles.

Does this mean I've got to do this all over again?

If you haven't got my phone, then, yes, I suppose so.

-When did you last have it?

-Well, I mean, I came straight...

I will call you back in a bit.

Hello?

Americano. Grazie.

-Thanks, you're a star.

-What's the name?

Daniel. Daniel Granger.

-Grab a seat, I'll bring it to you now.

-Thanks.

Hi...Daniel.

Oooh! Not seen you around.

Can't have been looking very hard, then, can you?

OK, so the first thing I need you to do is to log on.

Oh, that's such a shame, you've failed the first check.

You let me see what you were typing.

You asked me to type it in!

What, so, if I asked for your PIN number, you'd give me that as well?

Trust no-one, Emma.

OK, go to Systems, Security, and click on Change Password.

OK, now change your password.

Oooh. Ah. Yeah, you're going to have to do better than that.

I need at least seven characters. Upper case, lower case,

punctuation. Make it difficult.

EMMA SIGHS

OK. Now make a note so you don't forget.

That is so disappointing.

What now?!

You definitely do not make a note of your password on a Post-it Note.

I mean, I can see it, it's right there.

Hot Tub 69. I don't get it.

You said to make it difficult.

You're going to have to do it again.

EMMA SIGHS

Right, there we go.

OK, now log out.

Perfect. I'll leave you to it.

-EMMA SIGHS

-Problem?

I can't remember it and...now it's locked me out!

Oh, gosh!

So, do you live locally?

You could say that. I'm over in Greenbank Halls.

Oh, you're a student here!

Well, I'm a student of the world.

-HE LAUGHS

-I can tell.

So, what do you like to do afterhours?

-What do you like to do?

-I don't like to waste time.

Great minds think alike.

Hi. I was in earlier, I left my phone.

Is there a problem?

No. I just like to, um...savour the things I enjoy.

HE CHUCKLES

Mrs Tembe, you're up next.

I have a lot on.

A new state-of-the-art water cooler is supposed to arrive today.

-Oh, it won't take a minute.

-Nobody's above the law.

Right, very well.

OK. Log yourself out, please.

-How are you supposed to...

-Do as she says.

-All right, very well.

Right. OK, now, your current password,

that's not written down on a Post-it or anything like that?

Please! I am very careful.

-Well, you know this.

-OK.

-BLEEP!

-Ah!

Well, how did you do that?!

-BOTH:

-Botswana1.

-With a capital B.

Yeah, it was our first guess.

Well, that is just an elaborate parlour trick.

Look, I am very busy!

Um...you've got 1,689 unread e-mails!

I am the practice manager.

It is inevitable that I will have

a great deal of very important correspondence

and I need to keep a paper trail.

160 of them are from the church book group.

All right, do you mind?! Please, step away!

I am quite capable of sorting out my own security.

Look, why don't you go and check

whether Dr Vere has sorted out the antivirus.

Thank you very much, ladies. Goodbye.

Botswana1.

-Do you want to get out of here?

-What about your panini?

Nah, they're taking too long. Besides, my door is always open.

-When you put it like that...

-I do.

-Daniel Granger?

-Yeah! Over here.

-Kevin? Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

-Excuse me, sir!

Who are you?

I'm Daniel Granger.

-Oh, are you his dad?

-No. No, no. Do you know him?

Well, he said he was called Daniel, so...no.

What's he up to?

Probably stealing my identity and my phone.

You say he called himself Daniel Granger?

Why would he steal your identity just to buy a student coffee?

And flirt with me? We were going to go back to his.

Do you think he was going to try something with me?

-Do you know where he lives?

-Yeah, Greenbank.

OK. May I borrow your phone? I want to call the police.

-Which one's Greenbank?

-Come on, I'll show you.

MUSIC: Spaceship by Tinchy Stryder and Dappy

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS OK.

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

Geoffrey's the same, he ignores you if you want to play with him,

then sits on your head if you start watching Strictly.

I saw this joke once where an owner brings a dog food,

and the dog thinks "This man just brought me food, he must be a god".

And then the owner feeds a cat and the cat thinks...

-"This man just brought me food, I must be a god."

-Yeah.

Love it. It's very true.

Anyway, enough about cats.

Let's talk Valerie.

What exactly are you up to?

I don't think it's exactly appropriate to break in.

I'm all about the inappropriate, that's fine by me.

Besides, he said, "My door is always open".

You coming in?

-Can I borrow your phone again?

-Yeah.

I want to try calling mine. Thank you.

I want to see what else he keeps in the closet. Huh!

Oh! There's all sorts in here.

There's no one style.

It's like he's got different clothes for different people.

Do you think he's done this before?

Like, a professional con artist?

I don't know.

Well, how did you meet him, if you don't mind me asking?

He was a walk-in patient at the surgery this morning.

To be honest, I thought there was something slightly off about him,

like he was trying to study me or something.

The Westlake Room, do you know where that is?

Yeah, over by the Art blocks.

That's where he's supposed to be now.

Come on, I'll show you.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

So, you have told your wife?

-No, but...

-But you have a plan, don't you?

You're not putting it off

and hoping someone else makes the hard decisions for you?

This has already been a very hard decision for me.

Really? But I thought you loved Valerie.

Surely that makes it easy.

Yes! Look, you're not listening.

You're trying to confuse me.

Probably because you're confusing everyone else.

What's Valerie supposed to make of all this stop-starting?

And your wife?

What if she wanted to have a family with you?

-Her hopes for the future...

-I know. I think about that,

but I also think about how happy Valerie and I will be together.

I mean, you're her friend,

should I really stand in the way of her happiness?

-Happiness?

-Mm.

What are you offering her except more stress and disappointment?

I proposed!

Exactly.

I knew this would happen.

Valerie's told me what you think of me.

I don't know how else to tell you this, Ayesha, but I'm a good man.

I really am.

In my experience, good men don't need to tell you that.

Excuse me, but what's any of this got to do with you, anyway?

It's Valerie's life and I trust she's smart enough to know

what she's doing, even if you don't.

Did she tell you to go on the warpath like this, hm?

Or do you just think she can't handle herself?

Oh, I know Valerie can handle herself. I've seen it.

But you missed it, didn't you, because you ran for the hills

as soon as she got ill, and it was US at the Mill who saw her through.

So thanks to you, I know all too well what Valerie can handle.

So excuse me if I don't think much of your proposal,

given that you've already failed the in-sickness-and-in-health bit.

I know!

I'm a coward...and a heel!

No use crying to me.

What are you going to do about it?

I don't know.

Every day, dozens of people come through my door, wanting to see me.

But do any of them really actually ever see me?

Does anyone coming through that door know who I really am?

I mean, I...

I'm so sorry. Excuse me just a moment.

Look, I really can't talk.

It's a stage-acting module, I'm being graded and...

-Where's my phone?

-Sorry, what?

I'm not going anywhere until I get my phone.

MAN COUGHS

Look, I have to go, OK? I could meet you outside afterwards.

-I'll be right here.

-Me too.

Hi. I'm Daniel Granger.

And if you really cared about Valerie,

you'd do the right thing this time and man up!

If you can't be honest with your wife,

the least you can do is be honest with Valerie.

No more empty promises.

I know!

I promise!

-Sorry!

-Stop messing everyone about!

Thank you, Ayesha.

You're doing right by Valerie, and I respect you for that.

I'm going to sort things out. I truly will.

You're a good friend to her, you really are.

Here, you have these.

I don't deserve them.

When I'm stressed, and that's not often, I should add,

I like to exercise.

I might have a sesh with Samantha from the gym,

or with Candy from the tennis club,

or sometimes with them both at the same time.

But to tell you the truth,

I, er...I like my women like my coffee, out on the balcony.

Terrific view from up here, and that's just me.

A doctor's salary goes a lot further than you think.

Mostly into girls' purses, but that's what keeps me going.

That...and the medicine.

I'm a heart specialist.

I, er...I think I like fixing other people's hearts because...

Well, I'm not quite sure what will ever fix mine.

I mean, I know what it's like to be admired, but

will I ever know love?

APPLAUSE

You weren't supposed to see that ever.

Well, that was an eye-opener.

I may have taken a few liberties, you know, creative licence.

A few liberties? For the record, I don't have a balcony

and the girl from the tennis club was called Sophia.

Why did you run off?

I mean, I'd kind of stolen this guy's character,

it was a bit embarrassing to have to say,

"Sorry, I was rehearsing on you".

Oh. So, it was a rehearsal.

Well, no, not entirely.

And we were going to go back to your room.

I mean, how much of a method actor are you?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-Oh!

Sorry to interrupt, have you got my phone?

Why would I have your phone?

OK, fine, I haven't got time for that.

Can I borrow yours please again?

Thank you.

PHONE RINGS OUT

Hello?

Karen?

Ah, Daniel! I've found your phone.

I was wondering what all that flipping buzzing was.

It was coming from your laptop bag the whole time.

It doesn't matter.

Just hold on to it for me, would you?

Thanks.

Thank you.

Um...goodbye. And goodbye.

Oh, and for the record, I would never say "sesh".

-Probably think I'm a right weirdo now, don't you?

-Just a bit.

But if I'm honest, I do like a bit of drama,

and running about with the doctor.

And I am pretty intrigued by you, that's for sure.

You ignored me this morning, you know.

I held the door open for you, you didn't see me.

-Didn't even say thanks.

-Oh!

Well, maybe I'm bringing out the best in you.

So, when will I see you around?

My door is always open.

HE CHUCKLES

I know this must be difficult to hear.

I... It's just such a shock!

Well, it was to me, as well.

I thought we were going for a nice lunch, share a dessert,

but then Ayesha turned on me.

She's so bitter and obsessive!

I mean, I felt threatened, and that doesn't happen lightly.

-I know.

-I don't mean to gossip.

-I probably shouldn't say anything, but...

-Go on.

But what if...what if she hurt you?

She wouldn't!

Maybe not, but...she's fixated on you.

I know our living arrangements will change at some point,

but until, then I'm bound to worry!

Have you had a chance to think about...my proposal?

-Definitely.

-Ah.

Definitely thought about it.

Lots of thinking.

Anyway, I think it's best for everyone

if you see a lot less of her.

Find some freedom from Ayesha.

For her sake.

-Right.

-Yeah.

Thanks for the warning.

Right, I've scanned the system,

deleted all the corrupted files and any trace of the virus I could find,

downloaded the updates and updated those downloads.

And where does that leave us?

I just have to do a full system reinstallation and then we're done.

Turning it off and on again.

It is a little bit more complicated than that.

But Toby says we have to do a full system restore

to guarantee we've got rid of everything nasty.

Great. How long's that going to take?

12 hours minimum, I'm afraid. It's going to be an overnight job.

-What?!

-Hang on a minute. That doesn't leave much margin for error.

-What if we come in tomorrow...

-Just before the inspection.

..turn it on and it doesn't work?

Then we are in big trouble.

Now, you know what is expected of you?

Professional, efficient, service with a smile.

Nigel Sparks. My colleague, Mr Chivers.

Life extinct...8:42.

No! N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

I didn't even get to say goodbye!

You're admitting that you stabbed Mr and Mrs Khan to death?

Maybe we should tell the inspectors the truth. Come clean.

And commit professional suicide?