Taxi for Carter Doctors

'When's it ready?'

Well, the garage said it would be ready about four.

Sorry!

So I may need a lift.

Well, get me one of those nice pastries and I'm your woman.

So, what's the gossip?

I'm not here to gossip!

I'm attending a conference in post-operative care, then apparently,

I've been invited to join some old colleagues from St Phil's for supper.

Well, you should go.

-Letherbridge Metropole?

-Really?

Yeah, absolutely! It'll be fun.

'Listen, Heston, I have got a clinic in ten minutes,

'so let's speak later.

'Some of us are still slumming it in the overstretched, underpaid NHS.

'You enjoy rubbing shoulders with those surgeons, OK, big boy?'

Good morning.

I'm looking for a draft recruitment ad - the concierge's job.

-It's for The Gazette. It's covered in my notes.

-Haven't seen it.

Has it ever occurred to you that our guests appreciate

a certain standard of decor?

And what has happened to your hair?

Can't find a bobble.

No ad, no bobble. Keep this up, might be no job.

Oh, sorry!

Shall we dance?

-Yeah, let's. After you, please.

-Yeah? OK.

And let me get this, I insist.

Oh, no, you were here first.

Yeah, but I'm a gentleman, though, so, if you don't go in, I have to find a cape,

lay it over a muddy puddle and then it'll all get really messy.

OK, sir. But I let you win.

Cape?

Sir Walter Raleigh?

You've got so much to learn!

-And your name tag, in case you forget who you are.

-Thank you.

And freshly brewed coffee over there.

I'd say you've got at least 15 minutes.

Oh, I believe we've booked you some parking?

Oh, yes, sorry.

That's a saga involving a classic Jag I'm very fond of

and someone called Gary on the Derby Road who forgot to fix it.

Ah. Occupational hazard of driving a classic, Dr Carter.

My downfall was an MG Midget.

Flamenco red, wire wheels. It taught me one lesson, though -

something worth having is worth suffering over.

Very true.

However, you will spend a little time apart.

Now, local cab firm, in case you need them.

Just mention Bob - concierge on the desk. Welcome to The Met!

Thank you very much, Bob.

Pleasure.

Ah, thank you.

Have you booked your world cruise yet or are you sticking to Plan A?

Well, at the moment, I'll just be glad to get through this lot, actually.

Play your cards right, you might not have to.

I've been having an off-the-record chat with HR.

Thought you might like to see your likely retirement package,

should you decide to go down that route.

Of course, if you've got your heart set on The Quadrant,

so be it, but you'd be a fool not to read this.

How long have you been here?

Oh, 37 years.

You'd get less for murder!

I was talking to a couple about you the other day.

Both retired at 61.

Couldn't believe you were still slaving away at 69.

I said to them, "I hope I'm as good!"

As good at what?

As good as you, at your age!

SHE SIGHS

Oh, my days!

I thought you were going shopping.

Yes, I'm going now.

But I have just been getting Marnie back to sleep.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to find my car keys.

Are they not hanging up?

Karen, if they were hanging up, then I wouldn't be looking for them, would I?

Bobcat!

Does Mrs Grant know you've materialised?

Umbridge? So sweet to me(!)

Sh! You shouldn't call her that.

Well, she can't hear me. Totally under my spell.

You know in Star Wars, when the Jedis use mind tricks?

Just now, she's like,

"Oh, Cat Macari, what's happened to your hair?"

Only, I'm like,

"Transfer Cat over to The Quadrant with Bob when he leaves next week.

"They're like R2 and C-3PO. They belong together!"

So, what happened...to the hair?

Oh, I misread the label. But I found this.

"The Quadrant, Met's chic and exciting sister hotel.

"From its day spa and chill lounge

"to a state-of-the-art conference suite and roof garden,

"The Quadrant offers the final word in style and informal elegance!"

Ah! And has she said anything?

-About my hair?

-About recommending you for The Quadrant?

She's playing it cool - knowledge is power.

Been the same since she arrived.

Has she had another go at you about retiring?

I was supposed to read some letter from HR.

Don't do it! It's a trap, Bobbin!

This time next week, me and you, first day at The Quadrant,

it'll be vista la hasta, baby!

You numpty!

In your unlocked car, along with the house keys!

I don't know what they were doing there.

-Waiting to get stolen so we could all be murdered in our sleep.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Well, for that to happen, we would all have to be asleep!

Oh, don't you dare!

-Likewise.

-Hello?

I'm not going to have some stupid argument about who's the most exhausted!

Well, obviously me, so while I pop out to do the shopping,

why don't you do something useful and make this place tidy?

Oh, right! Oh, right! I'll do some tidying, then, shall I?

Karen!

No, no, no, you're right! Place is a pig sty!

-Wouldn't want the burglars seeing it like this!

-Karen!

Mrs Tembe!

The front door was open.

I did call earlier and there was no answer.

I got concerned.

I just wanted to make sure that everything was all right.

Jimbolino, what's going on with you and Megan?

I was just being polite. There's nothing to know.

Really?

Yeah. I'm not saying I'm not attracted to her.

What does that mean?

It means she doesn't mix work with pleasure.

-So, you have asked her out?

-Yeah, sort of.

Well, what does that mean?

That means I have patients that I would like to see.

Right, I'm off.

Are you sure you're going to be all right?

Yeah, assuming no-one's moved the supermarket.

Oh! Just as long as he comes back.

I can't do this without him.

I am going to ask a direct question.

Can I do anything else?

I don't deserve anything else.

Mrs Hollins, I am just asking, do you need one or two hours to go for a walk,

or perhaps some unbroken sleep, or maybe a long hot bath?

After all the things I said about JJ?

Yeah, well, JJ is probably sitting in a bar belonging to one of his friends in Spain.

We are no longer together.

Oh, Mrs Tembe.

Mrs Hollins, please. I have come here for one reason -

to spend the morning helping you.

So...

-..tea or coffee?

-Oh!

No, I don't think he does.

KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll call you back.

Bye.

Were you born in a barn?

Have you read the letter?

I really wanted a word about Cat Macari.

When you spoke to HR, did anyone mention her?

Is this the Cat Macari who's dyed her hair pink?

The one who's got her heart set on The Quadrant.

Mrs Grant, if I can put your mind at rest.

I've seen kids like Cat a dozen times over the years.

Hangovers, black eyes. Pink hair is the least of it.

There is another reason why I haven't opened this yet.

To tell you the truth, I enjoy working here.

I don't feel I'm ready for retiring.

Yes, I am 70 next year,

and I agree, I will have to consider it, but, before I think about

my future, I would really like to know about Cat's.

Well, that's not really any of your business. I believe you are still concierge and not HR manager.

But if that's what you want, Bob, I'll go and see her.

Thank you.

Surgical registrar, he used to keep a lucky rabbit's foot under his scrubs!

What did we call him?

-Warren!

-Warren! Oh, excuse me?

-Are these for everybody? Thank you.

-Don't they feed you at The Mill?

Well, actually, they're not all for me.

Concierge reminded me we need to talk about The Quadrant.

So, do me a favour.

Just remind me what qualities you feel you bring.

-Enthusiasm.

-Mm-hm.

-Experience?

-Yes. Well, no, but I love working with Bob.

And what about honesty?

Has Bob taught you to be straight with your employer?

Let's have a little test, shall we?

So, first of all, I come along and I find your troll back,

exactly where I said I didn't want it,

but I thought, OK.

So I go to put it away, and I find this.

Did you hide this from me?

You are the last person on Earth I would recommend to The Quadrant.

Don't pull a face at me, madam!

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!

I remember that so well.

Young lady! Lesson one on your customer care course.

I'm sorry?

Always listen to the customer's name.

I'm a Consultant Surgeon, not a General Physician.

This should say Mr Rhodes.

I'll tell you what, Mr Rhodes. Find yourself someone else to...

Well, hello? You're the receptionist!

Excuse me.

Mr Rhodes, I'm so sorry!

SHE GROANS

-Are you all right?

-I'm...all...right.

-I'm a doctor.

-Get off me!

-SHE GROANS

-Is she all right?

-Is there anywhere I can take her?

-Yes, that way to the staffroom.

OK, just right here.

There we go, that's it. Easy. There we are.

Wow, Mrs Tembe!

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but seriously, will you marry me?

Careful, Mrs T! It's a passport to a lifetime of domestic chaos!

Domestic chaos I can handle. It makes a welcome change

from thrill-seeking and the freedom of the open.

Mrs Tembe split up with JJ.

He's gone off to Spain.

Oh, really? You must feel awful.

Well, I am somewhere between being fine

and being very upset. I cannot pretend that it has been easy.

But I will be fine.

Is that all you got?

No, no. There's more in the car.

-So we can do lunch?

-Yeah.

All right. Well, in that case, I will be leaving.

Are you kidding? Sit down there, lady!

-Yes, I insist.

-And I insist.

And if Marnie was awake, she would really, really insist.

Well, in that case, there is one member of the wonderful

Hollins family which I would very much like to meet.

BABY CRIES

You can say what you want, but that's uncanny!

So, have you asked her or not?

OK, the mistake Dr Granger makes here is thinking that speaking

sotto voce is going to escape rather than heighten my interest.

I have been trying to encourage Jimmi to ask Megan out.

OK, right, my advice is and has always been,

avoid any kind of relationship with a female shrink -

Freudian, Jungian, they are all the same.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

We're happier that way.

Happier what way?

Oh, you'll be sorry.

No, no. Sid is just the man.

Go on, then. Megan - hot or not?

Have I just walked into a strip club?

How would you go about chatting her up?

Well, I'd start by not objectifying her.

Of course, of course. Of course, but do you think she's...you know?

Well, yeah, she is quite...you know. Why, do you?

It doesn't matter what I think.

I'm more interested in what Jimmi thinks.

I've already asked her out.

The art of courtship made as romantic as running for a bus!

But that's kind of the problem, isn't it?

You never really know what someone's truly feeling.

Which is precisely why I have devised and am considering

publishing my own theorem.

The Al Haskey Zinger Test, copyright.

What's that, then?

OK. Courtship is a ritualised joust in which

the woman is only going to accept approaches from her romantic equal.

She will reject any approach from some overcautious nice guy

in favour of a male with the self-assuredness to laugh at himself.

So all you've got to do is make some little self-deprecating gag.

For example, say you're at a summer barbecue,

you approach the barbecue and say something like,

"Hey, the last time I lit one of these bad boys, it burnt my eyebrows off."

If she laughs, then... It's a big if,

but if she laughs, then you know she's up for it.

She has pinged you as a potential match.

Yeah, and then what?

Well, then that's a matter of the birds and bees, isn't it?

-DANIEL WHISTLES

-All right, boys?

-Mm-hm.

-So?

-So?

-What you going to do, Jimmi?

-Jimmi?

-Jimmi?

-What you going to do?

-Jimmi, that was good advice there!

He won't do anything.

-Does that hurt?

-No.

-There?

-No, it's all right.

Ah. How is she?

Well, I don't think it's appendicitis,

but I think it's probably best if someone goes with Cat to A&E.

Yes, Ed is going to take her. How are you feeling, Cat?

I want to smack someone.

How long have you been having stomach pains?

-A week.

-Mm-hm. Regular bowel movements?

I wouldn't set your watch. I haven't been since yesterday morning.

-Mm-hm. How are things at work?

-How do you mean?

Well, sometimes, bowel spasm can be caused by stress.

Is there anything bothering you?

You mean like anyone?

Dolores Umbridge, our lovely new manager.

Oh, as in the character from Harry Potter?

You can explain what things are like, Bob.

You're the only one who isn't scared of her.

Say her name backwards in the mirror in the ladies' loos,

do you know you see the devil?

Ah, that'll be Ed.

I'll catch you later.

Oh, dear.

Ah. I need a word about Cat.

Oh, our charming receptionist who's just flipped her lid?

She's been under pressure, a lot of stress.

She's also under the illusion that I was going to recommend her to The Quadrant!

What have you been telling her?

She'll be lucky to keep her job here after all of this!

That would take the pressure off a bit, wouldn't it?

I would think about yourself, if I were you.

Perhaps you are getting too old for this, Bob.

-You asked for a shirt, Bob.

-Ah, David, thank you very much.

-OK.

-Thank you.

-OK, pleasure.

Here she is! The guest of honour!

Oh!

Hello!

Oh, I don't remember any of this with Jack and Immie,

but Rob says it nearly killed me.

Yes, well, I am sure it does not get any easier.

It was a struggle at first, wasn't it, chicken?

We didn't bond for a couple of days. But I think we're over the worst of it now.

I think we must have got a whole four hours' sleep last night.

Something like that.

Yes, well, it looks like you have bonded now.

I would say superglued.

KAREN CHUCKLES

# Golden slumbers kiss your eyes

# Smiles await you when you rise

# Sleep, pretty baby, do not cry

# And I will sing a lullaby. #

"If you're leaving, can I come with you?"

The Met built a sister hotel about six months back.

The Quadrant?

It's beautiful. State-of-the-art.

And I am supposed to join as head concierge next week.

Cat has set her heart on coming with me.

-But she's fallen foul of your new manager?

-Mm-hm.

I've been the concierge at The Met for over 30 years, Dr Carter.

I'd been in a few dead-end jobs since I left school.

Walked into this place that day they planted all this...

..and suddenly I knew what I wanted.

This hotel, it's taught me everything. It's defined me.

Concierge, it's not a job, it's an identity.

It's who I've become. I'm 70 next year.

And I'm not going to change.

Then I respectfully suggest you don't forget who you really are.

OK, so, cards on the table.

I would like to take you out to dinner.

And if you say yes, I'll tell you the secret to Al Haskey Zinger.

Er...

That's...

French, maybe?

I'm really sorry, Jimmi. I have to say no.

Um... I would absolutely love to go to dinner with you.

I'm flattered.

So, what's the problem?

Er... I think it's important to keep professional boundaries.

That's no comment on you. Um...

Do you know, I'm actually really glad that you asked?

I think you've done it really beautifully.

-Sorry.

-No, it's OK.

-It's OK?

-Yeah, it's OK. I'll let you win this.

OK.

Mrs Grant, could I have a word?

Is this about Cat?

-No, it's about me. You asked me to consider retiring.

-Ah.

Well, I've had lots of jobs over the years.

But this is the only one that I really cared about,

and I'm way too attached to just let it go.

Then you're way too soft.

Don't tell me I'm soft. It's hard being soft.

It takes patience.

And I've only just realised that today.

You see, this is the thing, Mrs Grant, about work -

it's just the same as life. We're all still learning.

But I don't think you've learnt a single thing from The Met.

You've been too busy trying to rip its heart out, and today is the day it's going to change!

Now, have you ever had lunch in the garden?

Tomorrow - note to self - if it's a sunny day, sandwich with Bob!

There are lots of sweet peas, lots of lilacs,

a drop of water, a bit of TLC - you'd be amazed!

What's this?

A bunch of flowers to soften things up.

I'm not retiring. And I'm not going to The Quadrant.

You're going to love it here, Mrs Grant. I'm Bob.

Welcome to The Met. I'm your new concierge!

JIMMI WHISTLES

Why is Jimmi whistling?

Did you ask Megan out again?

Yep, and she said no because she needs her boundaries.

She said no? Well, why the smile earlier?

Because it's been a long time since I've asked someone out.

And I'm happy with how it went.

Jimmi's happy.

Yes, I am. So now we can all move on.

Ah. Finished already?

Well, I think I've had quite enough excitement for one day.

-Thank you, Bob.

-Excuse me. About the flowers.

I've decided not to keep them.

I thought I'd have them sent up to Cat.

Anyway, pollen makes me sneeze.

I spoke to Cat - nothing to worry about.

-This time tomorrow, she'll be fine.

-Good.

Donna, thank you very much. I also took the liberty of talking to Chef.

An assortment of pastries, with his compliments.

That is very kind of you, Bob.

And that will be a taxi for Carter.

How did you manage that?

Courtesy of Gary on the Derby Road.

That is amazing.

We give them a fair bit of trade

so I suggested it was the least he could do.

Dr Carter, it's been a pleasure to meet you.

And you too, Bob. Thank you very much.

-And good luck.

-Thank you.

BABY CRIES

SHE MOUTHS

BABY CRIES

Where are you going? Well?

-Was she afraid?

-There's no way Sam's scared of me.

-Get off!

-What's happening there?

Excuse me! I've lost a baby in a buggy!

-BABY CRIES

-You want to call the police, mate!

I am the police!

I am the police.