Is It a Bird? Doctors

Take your time.

The man who attacked you may or may not be here.

OK.

And remember, you can see them but they can't see you.

Are you sure they can't see me?

Don't worry.

You're quite safe.

-KNOCKING

-Mr Selway, where are your trousers?

What?

No. What's happened?

SINISTER LAUGHTER

Get away! Sergeant Hollins?

No! Stay away! Stay away!

Sergeant Hollins?!

Argh!

-PHONE RINGS

-Argh! Oh...

Hello?

What? This morning?

Mrs Tembe, I've been meaning to say,

I'm very sorry to hear about you and JJ.

Oh, thank you.

He was a fool to go to Spain.

Yes, well, he has gone to a very nice part of that country.

That's not what I meant.

And the weather is very temperate.

Well, not as nice as Botswana, but...

But it doesn't have you, Mrs Tembe.

That is very nice of you to say.

Sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you.

-No. No, not at all.

-You're coping very well.

I don't know how I'd manage if I was separated from Ruhma like that.

That is unlikely to happen.

Well, I hope not.

She is a wonderful woman.

I think so.

And I am very surprised that...

that you are not married yet.

I am sorry, it is none of my business.

No, that's fine. There's nothing to...

No, no. You do not have to explain.

Anyway, excuse me, I am expecting a phone call in my office.

-Here we are and we're not even that late. You excited?

-Yeah!

-You are going to be good for me aren't you?

-Yeah.

-Damn.

-Oh, charming(!)

Sorry, Ayesha. I thought you were the magician.

Well, I can make a margarita disappear, but that's about it.

Come in.

-Hiya.

-Happy birthday.

Sorry, Henley. He's not here yet, But Sierra is.

The first one cancelled.

I found a replacement, but he's running late.

DOORBELL Please let that be him!

What time do you call this?

Oh, well, I only got the call about half an hour ago.

Well, are you coming in, or what?

HE COUGHS

Oh, brilliant.

So, listen, I've changed her,

she's been fed and there's milk made up in the fridge.

So you're going, then?

-I'm late enough as it is.

-Why don't you call in sick?

Then we can both spend the day with her.

-No. I only started work last Friday.

-So what's another day?

-Mrs Tembe knows what we're up against.

-No, I can't.

But... But you're really good with her.

-And two heads are better than one.

-Rob, come on.

We've talked about this and she was really good over the weekend.

Was she? Yeah, yeah. Yes, she was.

What are you so worried about?

I'm exhausted and I'm worried

that she's going to start nonstop screaming again.

Well, then, call me.

Listen, you take her the next couple of days while you're on leave,

and then I'll have her for a couple of days and you can sleep.

I mean...

I know it's knackering, but like you said, we can do this.

I mean, I was even thinking maybe we'll take her for a bit longer.

-Why would we do that?

-Well, it...

It would stop her from being passed from pillar to post

before she's properly adopted.

You see, I'm thinking,

if we both reduce our hours, we could do it.

And if that's not enough, I could speak to Jane,

see if we could get a childminder in.

It's a terrible idea.

You were the one who said we should take her.

Why do you have to get so attached?

We are temporary carers. Temporary!

Why can't you understand that?

HE SIGHS

What is he doing in there?

There are no good answers to that question.

First he turns up late, then he locks himself in the bathroom...

You only called him, like, what? Two hours ago?

He's probably just shoving rabbits down his trousers.

Come on, mate!

Look, I've told you before, I don't do superhero parties.

And that includes super-villains and super-animals.

How many times have I told you?

An agent is supposed to look after his client,

and if you can't understand that, then, well...

Just phone me back when you get this.

It's Dan. Dan... Dan Selway.

The kids are going crazy.

The kids are fine. You're the one I'm worried about.

Henley asked for a magician.

I said he could have anything he wanted.

He said he wanted a real dinosaur.

-But after that he wanted a magician.

-Right.

He's growing up so fast. I miss so much.

Kara had him for his birthday last year.

I just wanted this one to be special.

Listen, as long as they get cake and ice cream, they'll be happy.

That's all we wanted when we were kids, wasn't it?

-Hurry up!

-I'm not doing it.

What?

Something's come up.

I'm not well, whatever.

It's not happening.

You get out here and be magical right now, or I'll...

Marcus, take it easy. The kids.

You talk to him, then.

-If you don't, I'm going to kill him.

-Can't you just call the agency?

It's too late. He's supposed to have started already.

Fine. I'll kick the damn door in if I have to.

All right! You're a lot angrier than you used to be.

You might want to do something about that.

Mate, come on. Open the door.

Marcus has gone downstairs to play pass the parcel.

Come on.

Really?

Yes, really.

Come on.

GLASS SHATTERS

BABY GURGLING

You what?

-Well, I'm here now. What?

-CONTINUES INDISTINCT

So what's the deal? You can't be scared of kids,

otherwise you really are in the wrong business.

-No, it's not kids.

-What, then?

You did seem a bit freaked out when you saw Henley.

It was what he was wearing.

-The mask?

-The whole thing.

-You don't like fancy dress?

-Superheroes.

-I've got a phobia of superheroes.

-Hm...

Well, that's a new one.

It started last year during that weird killer clown craze

when people were dressing up as clowns and scaring people

and putting it on the internet.

Well, I do a lot of characters.

Pirates, dinosaurs, spacemen.

I used to do clowns.

I was walking back one day from a job...

..and this bloke just jumped out at me.

-What, a clown?

-A superhero.

No warning, just punched me in the face and then ran away.

Ouch.

The police never caught him.

Since then...

I can't stop thinking about it.

I can't sleep.

Every time I see a superhero, I start getting...

Well, you saw.

Yeah.

And they're everywhere now.

All those films...

They're in adverts for stuff.

And the kids love them, of course.

-And that's why you won't do the party?

-I can't.

Look, I understand it must have been very traumatic for you.

But it's Henley. He's, like, this big.

I mean, the worst he can do is poke you in the knee

and all you've got to do is get through the next half hour.

-And if you do start feeling weird, well, I'm a nurse.

-Oh.

-OK.

-Yeah.

And Henley will be so disappointed if you don't do the show.

You're his favourite magician.

-Really?

-Yeah.

He saw you at another kid's party.

You're the magician he really wanted, but Marcus messed up.

So as soon as that other bloke cancelled,

-Henley's like "I want Magic Dan."

-Magic Hans.

Magic Hans. That's what he said.

You're not going to let him down are you?

-Do you like magic?

-Erm...

Absolutely. Love it.

So are we on?

-We're on.

-And you're going to knock them dead?

-I'm going to knock them dead.

-Awesome.

Oh, no.

How far did I get?

-You asked for a volunteer.

-Then what?

Henley wasn't the only superhero.

Three of them rushed the stage and that's when you fainted.

-HE GROANS

-Relax. You went down pretty hard.

-Where is everybody?

-Outside.

I don't think you hit your head

but why don't you just take a few minutes

-and I'll go and get you a glass of water?

-OK.

Oh, look who's come to see us!

She's asleep.

Of course she is. You can tell he's done this before.

-Valerie, I don't want her waking up.

-Oh, no, don't worry.

Oh! Oh, she's gorgeous.

How could anybody give away a little sweetheart like that?

-It's complicated.

-Mm. You are a real hero for stepping in like that.

Isn't he a superhero?

-What's his superpower?

-Sorry?

You're going to need a superpower and also a traumatic back story.

Maybe it's nappy changing?

Or perhaps he can shoot baby milk out the end of his fingers.

Or his nipples?

Oh, that would be really weird.

-Oh, no, wait...

-Where's Karen?

Oh, she's just nipped over to the Campus. Shouldn't be long.

OK, I'll wait.

Oh, OK. Come on, then.

Ooh!

-Bye, son.

-Bye.

-See you next week.

Right, you ready to go? OK. Thanks, I'll call you later.

See ya. Happy birthday.

There's no way this guy is getting paid.

I don't think he did it deliberately.

Oh, well, that's fine then.

Cut him some slack. He's had a hard time.

I could still make it worse for him.

Er, not so fast, Mr Furious.

I don't think he needs someone else giving him a kicking.

-Someone else?

-He was attacked last year.

Unhappy customer, was it? Worst magic act ever.

Apparently he used to be a clown.

What kind of a clown?

I don't know. A clown. They're all the same.

-Was it in the park?

-Yeah.

Why?

-I punched a clown.

-What?!

-It wasn't my fault.

-It was during that dumb killer clown phase.

-Are you serious?

Kara and Henley were heading home through the park

when this scary clown jumped out and terrified them.

Henley was having nightmares for weeks.

I couldn't stop thinking what I would have done to this guy.

-I mean, I should have been there.

-OK.

-Anyway, Henley was scared

this clown was going to come back and get him.

So I told him Captain Magical was going to catch him.

He's Henley's favourite. We made him up.

And I had a superhero costume from a fancy dress party, so...

-Right.

-Fight fire with fire, I thought.

I went to the park, and hid until I saw him.

Well, I've never really been a fan of clowns.

-And if this guy scared Henley, then...

-I don't think it was him.

-You don't think it was him?

-If he's a real clown,

he's not going to run around scaring kids in his spare time, is he?

And now he's lying on my sofa!

Well, it was an accident. Just don't tell him.

-But he's really messed up about it.

-OK, so tell him.

-What if he tells the police?

-All right, then, don't tell him.

Whatever. You'll have to sort this one out.

I need to take Sierra home and get to work.

-Can I take some cake and a party bag?

-Of course.

I'll call you later.

Sierra! Time to go!

-Say thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thanks for coming.

-No worries.

-Bye, Sierra.

-Bye.

-I hope you had a nice time.

-I did.

-Bye.

I'm really sorry.

Don't worry about it.

No, I wrecked your party.

You said you weren't feeling well and I made you do it anyway,

so there you go.

-Are you sure?

-Take it.

-It's not like you get sick pay in your line of work.

-Thanks.

So, do you do other characters then, clowns and stuff?

Not clowns.

Oh, right.

-That's a shame.

-Right, well,

I better be going. Oh...

Look, do you want a lift?

You don't have to do that.

Come on. I need to go out anyway.

-Well, I do need to run a few errands.

-Oh.

OK, sure.

Whatever.

She is gorgeous.

-You don't mind me...?

-No, help yourself.

I'm sure Valerie will wake her up at some point.

It's amazing, isn't it?

They are so small and fragile,

and yet it's all there.

-The complete human being.

-Yep.

You know that people often say

that babies look like their father at first,

so that they won't abandon them and they'll stay and protect them.

That doesn't always work out, does it? We both know that.

Look at Baby Nicolas.

Thanks for that.

You know, in a way,

I admire Marnie's mum for giving her up to safer hands.

Or maybe she was trying to find her next fix.

-Maybe.

-Who's to say that she is going to be safe with us anyway?

Her mother had no idea who she would end up with

and anything can happen, to anyone. Look at Howard.

Imagine if he'd been driving when he had his aneurysm?

-I mean, is anybody really safe?

-Are you all right, Rob?

Teenage kids, I can do that, but this is different.

I mean, she's coming off heroin.

She doesn't understand that and neither do we.

Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. I'm just so tired.

Yeah, well, I remember that feeling.

So do I, but it never felt like this.

We're older now and Marnie's...

You know when you get so tired that you start repeating yourself?

You know when you get so tired...

Yeah, well, it's a bit like that. No, we're going to be fine.

Sorry.

-Busy checkout.

-That's OK.

I usually do it online, but I forgot to book a slot.

Don't worry about it.

-So, shall I get you home then?

-Oh, thanks.

Do you mind stopping at The Mill Health Centre on the way?

-It's not exactly on the way.

-Look, it won't take long.

I just need to pick up a prescription for my antidepressants.

Oh.

They've got me on these new ones.

I forgot to pick them up when I was there the other day.

-So, you're there a lot, then?

-Yeah.

I've had a bad time last year. Still dealing with it.

Sure.

No problem.

-KNOCKING

-Come in.

Mrs Tembe, do you have a minute?

Yes. Yes, of course.

What we were talking about earlier...

-You do not have to explain...

-Well, I feel I do.

You see, I've thought about proposing to Ruhma many times.

-Then why haven't you?

-I have to hold myself in check.

I make these flamboyant gestures

and Ruhma prefers things more low-key and private.

She nearly did a runner when I suggested we move in together.

I am sure that is not true.

It was touch and go for a while.

So many things to consider - her family, her religion, her children.

I understand.

But there is nothing more wonderful

than a marriage between two people

who are so perfectly suited to each other.

I agree.

And since you mentioned it...

I could speak to her?

I couldn't possibly ask you to do that.

No, I would be very discreet.

I could sound her out, float some ideas.

I would be very delicate.

She will never know that I am speaking on your behalf.

I don't want to be a burden to you.

It would be my pleasure.

You and Sister Hanif have been very good to me

over these last few weeks.

Because you're our friend. You don't owe us anything.

I am happy to help.

To tell you the truth, it would be a welcome distraction.

And you're sure you can do this discreetly?

She will never know.

OK.

All right, all right, all right,

if I had to choose, then I would probably choose...

-BOTH:

-Flying.

So predictable.

Go on, then, smarty-pants. What would you choose?

I would choose the power to be able to mimic the power

of the super-villain that I was fighting at the time.

That can't be allowed.

All right, fine, I would choose, erm...

-BOTH:

-Flying!

-Yeah, it's got to be.

-What are you doing here?

-We were just passing.

Karen, you're going to lose one of your senses,

but you're going to have another of your senses super heightened.

Which one would it be? Would it be the sense of smell?

Get back to me on that.

-Is she OK?

-Yeah, she's fine.

-I thought we'd just pop in to see Ruhma.

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Hello.

-Fill you in on how Marnie's getting on.

She wants to be outside enjoying the fresh air,

not stuck all day in here.

Ooh! Hello, you.

Oh, she's put weight on.

That's a good sign.

So, how's she getting on?

Screaming less, but still grizzly.

Oh...

Well, contact is the key.

Again, skin to skin, it's really useful.

I've got this foster mum, Ellen,

and she specialises in looking after heroin babies.

-She swears by it. Yes.

-I'll give it a go.

This Ellen, how long does she have the babies before they get adopted?

Oh... Varies. Usually does take a while though, Rob.

You know, the fostering service. It's on its knees.

And heroin babies are particularly hard to place.

Yes, you are.

So you and Marnie are just going to have

to get used to each other, aren't you? Yeah.

Oh, Rob, you're doing a great job.

Thanks for coming in.

It doesn't usually take this long.

It's OK.

I was hoping to see Ayesha anyway.

It's really good of you.

I mess up your party and you become my personal chauffeur.

-It's fine, honestly.

-You're a good bloke.

One of a kind I'd say.

After the year I've had, it means something to meet someone

who looks out for their fellow human beings.

Look, there's something I need to tell you...

No, I need to say something first.

I shouldn't have taken the job.

I knew I wasn't up to it, but I needed the money.

You don't need to apologise.

No, I do. I do. I'm...

I know I'm not a very good magician, but I'm really good at some things.

Just magic isn't one of them.

-I'm a much better clown, but I just can't do it any more.

-I know.

The doctor says I should talk about it. That maybe it would help.

Last year, I got booked for this picnic in the park

and it was awful.

The kids were running all over.

I even got heckled by some passers-by.

-It was really bad.

-Right.

I was packing up my stuff

and I heard these kids coming down the path.

And I thought it was the kids from the party coming back.

This was my chance, I thought,

to get my own back, show them who's boss.

So I waited.

And then I ran out and I scared the hell out of them.

-YELLING

-I'm going to get you!

Oh, no! Sorry!

But it wasn't the same kids.

It was this little boy and his mum, and...they were so scared.

So after that...

-It was you!

-What?

-It was you!

-What are you talking about?

Sorry, do you mind keeping your voices down?

-Sorry.

-You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

First you terrify my son, then you ruin his birthday party.

You said it was all right.

I felt bad. I don't feel bad any more.

-I'm glad I hit you.

-You hit me?

-HE GASPS

-You!

Yes! And I'm probably going to do it again.

Call the police! This man assaulted me.

His name is Marcus Winmill.

What are you two doing here?

Marcus, outside now.

-You too, Magic Stan.

-It's Magic Hans.

Come on.

You told him, then?

He was the clown, the one who scared Henley.

I thought he was someone else!

I don't care. This is where I work.

There are sick people here and kids.

-He ruined Henley's party.

-No, he didn't. The kids loved it.

Didn't you see their faces when he hit the deck? Priceless.

-That's not what I paid him for.

-Oh, do you know what you sound like?

No, he shouldn't have scared your son.

But you shouldn't have gone and hit him.

-But...

-Just sort it out.

Apparently it's helpful when victims of violence talk to their attackers.

So come on. Fire away!

-Angry. I feel angry.

-Me too.

I want to hit him.

-Just you try it.

-Just you watch me.

-Oh, you sure you won't just faint instead?

-You did that to me!

Do you know what I've been through because of you?!

-You terrified my son! He was five!

-Well, you ruined my life!

-I can't work.

-Maybe you shouldn't if you're giving kids nightmares!

Maybe if you weren't such a crap dad,

-you would have been there to look after him!

-Enough!

You're both pathetic.

You moan about being there for Henley, but what's this?

You're trying to fight a clown in a car park!

-I'm really more of an all round entertainer...

-And as for you,

well, you've got bigger problems. Look at him.

He's about as threatening as a Sunday school teacher.

You're scared of something that doesn't exist! Get a grip!

Maybe you shouldn't be working with kids.

In fact, maybe you shouldn't be working with people at all.

Blimey, Ayesha. He's on anti-depressants.

Maybe you're the one who should sort out your anger.

Yeah, that was a bit harsh, actually.

-There are sick people here.

-And kids.

-And kids.

We're just letting off a bit of steam.

Yeah. We're done now. No need to get wound up.

Wound up? Right.

I'm sorry about the party.

I'm sorry about punching you.

Bygones.

Water under the bridge.

Oh, hang on. I've still got my shopping in your car.

-Do you want a lift?

-Yeah, that would be great, actually.

Do you know? I think I've found this really useful,

being able to put a face to what happened.

Me too.

Er... Sister Hanif.

I was wondering if you would like to go for some lunch.

Oh, I've got a home visit. And it's probably going to overrun.

What about Wednesday?

Yeah, sure. Is it business or pleasure?

Well, it is just to thank you for the other day.

Oh, there's no need for that.

-So, The Icon?

-Well, that'll make a change.

-PHONE RINGING

-Excuse me.

-You and Mrs T hitting the town?

-Going for lunch.

I think she needs her mind taking off things.

Right, well, I'd probably avoid the tapas.

Hey, what was all that commotion earlier?

Just a couple of clowns.

MARNIE CRYING

CRYING CONTINUES

PHONE RINGS

-Jane speaking.

-Rob Hollins.

Oh, hi, Rob. How are you doing? Is everything OK?

I just thought I would check in and see how you were getting on

finding a more permanent home for Marnie.

Right. Well, I mean, we're still looking,

but as I've said before, finding parents

for a baby in Marnie's situation's always going to be a struggle...

How long does it usually take?

-Hard to say.

-Can you make a guess? It's just that, well...

what if we need to make any plans,

because we are only temporary carers after all...

Rob, are you coping OK?

Why wouldn't we be?

KNOCKING

-Come in.

-Mrs Tembe, sorry to interrupt again.

Oh, no, no, no. It is no trouble.

I am very pleased that you have asked me

to help you with your problem.

Well, I was thinking, maybe we should put our plans on hold,

and let things progress at their own pace.

I don't really want to rock the boat.

As I said, I will be very discreet.

I'm sure you will, but you have enough things on your mind.

It is I who offered.

Anyway, I have arranged to have lunch

with Sister Hanif on Wednesday.

Everything is in hand.

-Is it?

-Mm! Don't worry.

I will have an answer for you, one way or another.

But what if she says no?

Just bought in, Angela Darwood.

General signs of self-neglect and minor injuries.

Do you think I'd be wasting your time if this wasn't serious?

Get your filthy hands off me! You don't care about me.

Only my mum cared about me!

I'm sure you and your partner are more than capable but...

-Phew!

-The thing is, Ellen,

I'm not sure that we are.