A Curate's Egg Doctors

# Love has got me high

# Don't you know you're my one and only

# Mehbooba, Mehbooba... #

SINGS IN OTHER LANGUAGE

Heston and Ruhma.

MUSIC: Woman Trouble by Artful Dodger

HE CLEARS THROAT

I thought everyone had already gone.

I was waiting in my room.

We have a session booked, remember?

Yeah, well, Mrs Tembe has got some business at the church,

so I'm just clearing up.

Got landed, did you?

I offered, actually.

I see. Well, I can give you a hand.

No, don't worry. You don't have to. It's all right.

It's fine. We can chat while we work.

I'm sorry. Can I help you?

Hello!

Oh...

Kieran Stanworth, visiting curate.

Here, let me.

You must be Mrs Tembe.

Reverend Marchant spoke about you on the phone in glowing terms.

Well, that is very nice to know, but

I am afraid she has said nothing about you.

She won't have had time.

I had another placement, which fell through at the last minute.

I think the diocese may have prevailed on her slightly.

You must have impressed her a great deal for her to take you on

at such short notice.

To be honest, I came to prep up before our meeting tomorrow.

I had a quick look on the web page, but nothing beats being here,

absorbing the atmosphere.

I couldn't agree more.

So, where do you want these?

Oh, in the choir room.

OK. Lead the way.

Right. Uh...

If you would just put it on the chair.

Yup. No problem.

This is just some of the donations for our charity auction tomorrow.

"The Siege Of Letherbridge".

It is about the Civil War.

My uncle would have loved this.

He had a second-hand book shop.

I'd spend hours in there as a child.

Well, this is a first edition.

Oh!

I can suddenly hear my uncle Ted's voice, telling me to put it down.

The owner has donated it to us, just to raise some extra funds.

We are hoping to get about £500 for it.

There was an article about this, in the newspapers.

-You should get a good response, then.

-Hopefully.

You know, it's strange how things work out.

A few hours ago, I was really disappointed about my placement,

but now... Perhaps God had a different plan for me.

What do you reckon, Mrs Tembe?

Perhaps, indeed. Would you like a tour of the church?

I can acquaint you with some of the history.

I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble.

No. It will be no trouble at all. Come.

Shall we?

Oh, Daniel's speech. It was so lovely.

Yeah. Even Al was enthusiastic.

He's going to blame that on the booze tomorrow.

Oh, of course he will.

Hey, did you notice something different about Sid?

No. Because I only had eyes for my Mehbooba.

Oh, you can stop that Bollywood stuff right now.

This is beautiful.

And the watch is exquisite.

Yeah. Well, maybe I will forgive you for spoiling the proposal on Friday.

And me, you too.

It was amazing, wasn't it?

It reminded me of watching films with my mum and dad.

-You...

-What?

-You've got a party popper in your hair.

That's Valerie. She strikes again.

What are you doing?

He's had all weekend to get used to the idea of us getting married,

you know.

We're just going to have to talk to him.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Are you in there?

No.

Heston and Ruhma missed you at their do.

I'll text them.

You missed all the champagne.

Too bad.

I hardly saw you at the weekend.

And you were very quiet at work today.

The mood I'm in, you should think yourself lucky.

What's wrong?

All right, well, look.

If you fancy some old-fashioned plonk, then come down.

If you don't, feel free to wallow.

I'm even more excited about being here now.

Thank you so much, Mrs Tembe.

It's my pleasure.

Now, this is a pamphlet that we have made for some of our visitors.

No, no, you do not have to pay.

I insist. After all, I am the visiting curate!

I should get out of your way now, shouldn't I?

Well, I do have to set the alarm.

It has been such a pleasure, Mrs Tembe.

The feeling is mutual, Mr Stanworth.

If you need any help with the auction, I'm your man.

Thank you.

Oh - customer!

Reverend.

Good evening.

Malcolm Dunwoodie. Pleased to meet you.

I am Mrs Tembe. Unfortunately, I'm just about to lock up.

Oh... I needed a quick word.

How can I help?

I meant with God.

Yes, of course. Forgive me.

I suppose I could pray at home, but...

No.

No, I will take a breath of fresh air and give you some privacy.

Oh, much appreciated. Thank you.

Yeah, I had a great weekend with my parents, actually.

It's funny, cos I thought being more self-confident would

cause more arguments, but...

-When, in fact, the opposite was true?

-Yeah.

You're going to have to undo it.

The bag. More party poppers.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah. They get everywhere, don't they?

You were saying? Your parents?

Oh, yeah. Well, um,

my mum was a bit shocked to find out I don't actually like her

sponge pudding.

But she accepted it, eventually.

Not before ladling on the guilt, I bet.

Exactly.

All that, "I only made it for you." All of that kind of stuff.

But, well, she still loves me. Doesn't she?

Of course she does.

Chest out.

Yes, sorry. And lead with the hips.

No more anxious shuffling.

Very impressive. Almost as good as your dance moves.

No-one was supposed to see that, so... Thanks, Megan(!)

All part of the service.

Right, well, I need to take these out the back and then I'll lock up.

So I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, we still have a session booked.

We just did it, didn't we?

We just had a chat while washing up.

We didn't cover anything, did we?

Oh...

When you're ready?

OK. How does a pizza grab you?

Oh, how could you even think about eating?

Because I'm starving.

Right, we have got spinach and ricotta or spinach and ricotta.

How did I buy two the same?

You do realise that Shak hasn't spoken to either of us since Friday?

Yeah, because he is a moody teenager.

Well, maybe this mood coincides with our engagement.

Maybe I should have asked his permission.

Really? And what if he'd said no?

Why would he say no?

Look... I will talk to him.

No, I'll deal with it.

If I have offended him, I must put it right.

Thanks.

Where's Sid?

He insisted on clearing up.

I'll tell you something - he was the life and soul of the party.

Unlike me, then?

So I think it's got to be one of two things. Either...

it's a problem with a new man, or Bren has turned up again.

You should be doing Megan's job.

Oh, come on, it's not that hard.

We have been living together for a while now.

I know when something's up.

And if it is a new man, you're keeping him very quiet.

Then it's guess number two.

Oh!

Are you all right, Mr Dunwoodie?

Yes, except...

What is it?

Well, I was deep in my prayers, and somebody came in.

And I didn't want to interrupt my flow, so I just ignored it.

-Somebody came in?

-Yeah.

-Where are they?

You tell me. And then there was this cracking noise.

Where from?

Somewhere over there.

Oh, my goodness.

I am really sorry.

This is not your fault.

No. They can't have got very far.

Look, can you just call the police?

Yeah, OK. Sure.

There something wrong, Sid?

No.

You can tell me. I am your therapist, remember?

Well, I just...

I did wonder, do we have to talk about the erotic transference again?

I think so.

If we don't, it can become a stumbling block,

and can be hard to move over the embarrassment.

You're embarrassed?

No. I'm used to this kind of thing. It's normal in therapy.

I think I've figured it out. anyway.

You've discovered the root of it?

Yeah, definitely.

Great. Would you like to share?

Not sure if that's such a good idea.

Sid, I think we need to discover why this is so significant.

It's important.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC

KNOCK ON DOOR

Shak? Thought you might be hungry.

I'll leave this here.

Shak, what's wrong?

You haven't spoken to me in days.

Shak, come on. You know I love your mother.

And I want what's best for you and Alia. I know I'm not your dad,

but if there's anything you need... You know that.

Mr Stanworth. The auction items have been stolen.

-What?

-Did you see anyone running this way?

No, I was... How on earth could this happen?

They have broken the lock on the office door.

Mrs Tembe, shouldn't we be doing something?

It might be best if you go one way,

and I'll go the other.

METAL CLATTERS

Mr Dunwoodie! Mr Dunwoodie!

Oi!

'She haunts me.'

Every time I think I've got my life back on track,

she just messes it all up again.

Well, she's not going to this time because you're not going to let her.

Yeah, but if she was anybody else I'd be getting her help.

She's had help, and plenty of it.

And you've made sacrifices. Does she care?

No, she doesn't.

Motherhood does not give someone the licence to destroy their children.

She doesn't know the meaning of the word "motherhood".

I thought you'd made the decision not to see her.

Yeah, I have, and I'm sticking to it this time.

Really?

Yeah. She isn't lying in the gutter somewhere.

In fact, she says she's clean, so good luck to her.

Good. I think that's the right decision.

You know what? I'm sick of sitting here, moaning.

Why don't we do something silly?

How silly?

Interesting that Abigail was your tutor at med school.

Something of a mentor?

I suppose.

Older than you?

A little.

Did you enjoy living dangerously?

What do you mean?

Student, tutor... Little bit risky.

Did she give you an A every time?

For your course work?

No, of course not.

I got my marks from my academic ability.

OK.

Sorry, I'm not sure where all of this is going.

It's important we establish if the erotic transference is rooted

in any kind of guilt or failure?

Neither.

So, if your relationship with Abigail was so fulfilling,

why are you projecting your desire for her onto me?

Well, we were never really an item as such.

You wanted more?

I must have done, yeah.

-Sex?

-Sorry?

-Did you want to have sex...

..with Abigail?

Uh...

So - you say you came here to pray?

I needed to, desperately.

Would you like to tell us why?

Well, I lost my job at the sorting office just after Christmas.

And it has been uphill ever since then.

And now my wife has left me.

I still believe the police need to get involved.

Oh, please, don't do that.

If I get a criminal record, that is me stuffed.

It's hard enough finding work at my age anyway.

And in this thing...forget it.

The items have been returned.

Not returned so much as recovered.

And I think we must not forget that these items were going to be

sold, to help the needy.

He's in need himself.

In that case, why did you not ask for help?

Stupid pride. And now look where it's got me.

Repentance must count for something?

And surely it's our business to forgive?

Ugh, this butter is way too soft.

This is what comes of not putting it in the fridge.

Sorry, chef. Won't do it again.

Better not.

You see these adverts on telly -

kids baking in huge kitchens with their mums.

So not what it was like for us.

I hope I'm not becoming a mother substitute.

No, no. It's not that, I promise.

It's just that with you, I'm free to make mistakes.

If it turns out good, then fine.

If it doesn't, who cares?

Well, you, me and some soft butter. What could possibly go wrong?

Um, so...

I think we need to try and separate me from Abigail.

Why?

Just to put this bed,

so to speak.

Easier said than done, isn't it?

Describe her for me.

This woman that you fell in love with.

I didn't say that I fell in love with her.

Not even a little bit?

It's hard.

I'm sure it is. Come on, have a go.

OK, um... Brown hair.

Short-ish. Fringe.

Dark eyes.

Height?

About 5'6"?

With or without heels?

Don't let it get to you.

Nothing in life prepares you for being a parent to

a stroppy teenager.

It's fine. I got used to being shunned at boarding school.

I've just got a bit more experience than you, that's all.

We're in this together, OK?

I'll get to the bottom of it.

It's going to be all right.

Mr Stanworth, may I have a word, please?

Poor man.

If we are to believe what he says...

You're not convinced?

He waited until I had left the building before breaking the lock.

People are driven to crime by circumstance.

Surely we should be nurturing the potential good in him?

If all criminals were left out of prison, what kind of world would this be?

"I will teach transgressors thy ways

"and sinners shall be converted unto thee."

Psalm 51..

..Verse 13. I am familiar with it, of course.

But he committed his transgressions here.

In God's house.

Exactly.

I'm torn as well.

But there has to be a reason why his and my paths have crossed today.

And you believe you can save him?

I believe God wants me to try.

In any case, I need a project to get my teeth into.

What if he goes stealing again?

Then I will have failed. But it is worth the risk.

I'm not sure Reverend Marchant will think that way.

Don't you see? My placement fails and I am sent here.

On my first visit to the church, I meet a man who needs my help.

How much clearer could the Lord be?

For the first time in my life, I feel I have a true calling.

I can't just ignore that.

Yes, well, I admire your unquestioning faith.

Then listen to your heart.

Very well. But please, please just be careful.

I will, I promise.

Would you like me to escort you home?

Would you? Ah, thanks.

Mrs Tembe, it's been a real pleasure.

I look forward to a happy association.

You are a true Christian woman.

You're taking a risk with me. I promise I won't let you down.

I won't betray you.

I sincerely hope so, Mr Dunwoodie.

God bless you.

I don't think you're being entirely truthful with me.

Because the truth can be a bad idea.

Not when you're in therapy.

Especially in therapy.

Your description of Abigail sounds exactly like me.

That's a bit narcissistic, if you don't mind me saying.

Actually, I do mind.

Why? Aren't therapists allowed to have issues?

You're flirting with me.

There you go again. A classic example of projection.

This consultation is over.

What? It was just getting fun.

I can't work with you if you're going to keep lying.

So you want me to admit I'm flirting with you?

There was no Abigail. She never even existed.

Finally. I figured that one out, like half an hour ago.

I need an emergency locksmith, as soon as possible.

The book! The book!

Sorry, I will have to call you back.

That was close, though, eh?

You weren't supposed to pinch the silverware as well, you dingbat.

Hey, who are you calling dingbat? I am the mastermind here.

You are the stooge.

Some stooge! I deserve a bloody BAFTA.

Whatever. Where's the nearest pub, then? I feel like celebrating.

Bye, Reverend!

Oh, Reverend Merchant.

Have you got the telephone number of Mr Stanworth, the visiting curate?

Stanworth?

LOUD ROCK MUSIC

You haven't eaten your pizza.

MUSIC SWITCHES OFF I said, "You haven't eaten your pizza."

Actually, they're not very good. What is it?

Look, if you're worried about your exams,

I could get Heston to have a chat.

Is this about me and Heston getting married?

Come on, Shak, I'm not a mind-reader.

OK, I'll give you a list of possibilities.

You tell me if I'm close.

Is it a girlfriend?

A boyfriend?

OK, is it school?

I can't tell if that is a blink or not.

It is about Heston and me getting married, isn't it?

Mum, just leave me alone!

Shak?

Just get out of my face.

Do you know what?

I've got better things to do than reason with a baby.

Just grow up, Shak.

Look, if you want to sulk like this, you're doing it on your own.

Heston and I had a really lovely day today

and you're not going to spoil it.

What did he say? Ooh...

Here is to inaugural scones! It's exciting.

Sorry, Emma, I really am one miserable cow.

It's because you're letting her get to you.

It's just weird my mum's back in Letherbridge and I've

no idea where she lives.

I hope that's not guilt talking.

Whatever it is, it's not going away.

Bren is a grown-up.

It's about time she started looking after herself.

Can you smell burning?

Hurry up. Hurry up!

Get the...the thing! The thing!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

-Oh!

-Oh!

Oh, that one's definitely...

I think we just about saved them. Well, most of them.

Do they look like scones to you?

I'm not sure. Hang on, hang on.

I think we may have made rock cakes.

Oh, what would I do without you?

You're going to be fine. I'm not so sure about the scones.

But you - you're going to be fine.

What are you writing?

That we have an issue with erotic transference.

Megan, it's not erotic transference.

Stick to what you know, Dr Vere.

Formality. Interesting.

Why?

Because it's calculated to throw me off the scent.

Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about.

You fancy me as much as I fancy you.

In your dreams.

When did you realise? Before or after you saw my dance moves?

You have a really high opinion of yourself.

Well, you encouraged me to be more confident, so...

Yeah. But not delusional.

Megan. I'm not the one wearing hastily applied lip gloss.

Yeah, if you were, I'd be worried.

Look, Sid, banter is one thing, but, um...

Yeah. Actions speak louder than words.

Say that again?

You're very cautious, aren't you?

You don't actually like taking risks.

Define a risk.

I rest my case. You shouldn't need to ask.

Is that risky enough for you?

Are you encouraging me or stopping me from going further?

What do you think?

You don't half sound like your mum.

My mum?

We've all read Alice in Wonderland.

Yes, we have, so we know that nobody should mess around

with hallucinogens.

-Especially someone with your history.

-Me?

He's a drain and a slob and we're doing him

no favours making life too easy.

I don't want to start anything. Not with you and definitely not

with her.