Tendrils Doctors

LAUGHTER

-Oh, look!

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, look at my hair!

-Oh, yeah.

That photo must be, what, 20 years old? More!

-I remember that day.

-I don't.

Oh, I always thought I was the one nobody noticed.

There you go. You were wrong.

You can have it, if you like.

No, you keep it. It's yours.

So, tell me about the job.

Trainee manager at the Clydeburn Hotel.

-Think I look the part?

-You will do when I've finished with you.

-What does Donnie think?

-He's made up for me.

This time next year, I'll be running the place.

You haven't got it yet.

It's a second interview - a formality.

-I'm the one they want.

-They told you that?

Not in so many words,

but me and the team leader had

the most amazing idea shower.

You had a shower and gave him ideas?

Do you even know what an idea shower is?

Of course I do. I'm just messing.

Anyway, the boss is a woman.

-Charmaine.

-Ooh, sounds posh.

I can be posh when I want to be.

-POSH ACCENT:

-You don't say!

-THEY LAUGH

This is my way out of the Churchill, Kel.

-Spray?

-Yeah, ta.

-There you go. All done.

-Can I see the back?

It's nice, that.

-You'll slay 'em!

-I know.

Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

-Ooh, you look smart.

-Thank you.

-Oh, actually, I meant...

Wow! Kate Middleton, eat your heart out.

-Are you going somewhere special?

-A funeral.

-Oh.

-Not that lad from the Churchill?

-Yeah.

-Why? What's wrong?

-Nothing.

Spill, Gobby.

Erm, well, you're just going to stick out like a sore thumb.

Is that gobby enough for you?

Dressing smartly is a mark of respect.

Yeah, and some might think it's showing off.

Karen's right.

Everyone is going to twig that you're the doctor who helped Reece.

-And that's a bad thing?

-Well, it could be for the kid who stabbed him.

-Surely he wouldn't have the nerve to show up.

-How do you know that?

What do you suggest I wear? Leggings? A hoodie?

OK, look, I think I'm going to take you,

just in case anything kicks off.

-SHE LAUGHS

-And what?

Then you'll turn into Jason Statham? Don't be ridiculous, Daniel.

I am paying my respects to Carlene and then I'm coming straight back.

Look, parking there is a nightmare.

-Why don't I drop you off, then...?

-I'm going on my own!

Stop fussing.

HE SIGHS

KNOCK ON DOOR Yeah?

-New shoes?

-Yes.

-Is that a tie?

-What do you want?

Oh, maybe you've already got plans for lunch?

-No, I haven't got any plans for lunch.

-Great. It's a date, then.

-Oh, erm, actually...

-What?

-Erm, got to pick up some dry cleaning.

That's all right. It won't take long.

No, no, it's in the centre of town.

You know, traffic's bad and parking and all that.

-PHONE RINGS

-OK.

-Catch you later, then.

-Yeah. PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

Oh, hi there. Nice to hear from you.

HORN HONKS

There's no point. The car park's chock-a-block.

I suppose I'll have to take your word for it.

Absolutely. I'm an officer of the law.

Fine. Well, if you'll excuse me, Officer,

I need to find alternative parking.

Or you could go back to work.

Seriously, I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to be here.

-I'll be the judge of that.

-Right, fine.

Let me suggest somewhere safe for you to leave your car.

If you do a left...

Careful reversing! It's a busy road!

HORN BLARES

I'm going straight out after work, so I want a nice updo.

You know what would look fantastic? A side shave.

-You are kidding me?

-No. Listen, Eesh, you're playing it too safe.

Just imagine all your hair falling down this side.

-And the other side bald?

-Shaved is not bald.

I could do a design, like a lotus flower.

Kellie, watch my lips.

-You SO need to be more edgy.

-I so don't.

And, anyway, I'd scare my patients, not to mention Mrs Tembe.

Well, if you won't listen to your stylist...

If you're going to set up as a mobile hairdresser,

you need to listen to your clients. Seriously.

You've got some split ends.

I know. I need them trimming.

How about some bangs round the front?

-SHE SIGHS

-OK.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-What do you want?

-I'm popping to the shops. Do you want me to get you a sandwich?

No, no, I'm all right. I'm actually at the supermarket right now.

Thought you said you were going to the dry cleaners?

Yeah, yeah, it's the dry cleaners in the supermarket.

I thought you said parking was a nightmare?

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Hang on, is that a toilet flushing?

No. No, no, I'm just queuing at the checkout.

-Hang on.

-No, no.

Just unloading my shopping, Jimmi. Don't be smart.

All right, see you.

Gary West, in the cap -

in and out of prison for, well, robbing motors mainly.

He's talking to Lucas Birch - small-time dealer.

-But I wouldn't imagine we'd get any trouble from them today.

-No.

-Ooh, looks like Zara had trouble parking.

-Yeah.

-Nothing like drawing attention to yourself, eh?

-Hmm.

Hey! Hi. Erm, I thought we could sit here,

if that's OK with you?

That's really awkward. I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to meet someone and you look like her.

-Excuse me? Al?

-Hi!

-It's me, Sally Anne.

-Oh, hi. I thought that she was you!

I'm glad that it's you. No offence, but...

-Ha! Erm, shall we sit?

-Sure.

# That salvation lets their wings unfold

# So when I'm lying in my bed

# Thoughts running through my head

# And I feel that love is dead

# I'm loving angels instead

# And through it all

# She offers me protection

# A lot of love and affection

# Whether I'm right or wrong... #

Hey, lady.

What's your name?

I'm Drac, short for Dracula.

-I'm thinking stray tendrils.

-Yeah, maybe.

-But they'd have to be pinned up until tonight.

-Why?

Dangling hair - unhygienic.

Like my nan said, "Health and safety gone mad."

Do you want me to take a few of these?

Oh, yeah. Cheers, Eesh. I'd go over to their place.

They wouldn't have to slum it here. That's just for mates.

You're so brave leaving the salon.

-I walked out in a strop, didn't I?

-How come?

The new manager told me he'd had complaints about my attitude.

-Get lost!

-Well, that's exactly what I said.

And then he explained how they wanted to go more upmarket,

-so I told him to stuff it.

-His loss, babe.

I know, but I should have thought about the kids.

You'll be fine.

Yeah, I've got loads of appointments booked in already.

KNOCK ON DOOR

There you go - beating your door down.

-You cow!

-What's up?

My hair's falling out, as if you didn't know!

You OK?

Sally Anne?

I'm not sure whether to have a starter.

-Do you want to have a starter?

-Do you?

-Hmm, no.

-Neither do I.

-Oh, great.

Well, we'll dive straight in with some main courses, then, yeah?

I'm not sure.

-Define "not sure".

-Sorry?

Well, either there's nothing on the menu you fancy,

or there is something but you just don't want to say.

I should really have salad.

-What are you having?

-Oh, gourmet burger every time.

-That's what I want.

-Oh, great. We can get messy together.

-What?!

-Eating the burgers.

Oh. I wasn't thinking you meant...

So, that's two gourmet burgers. And what do you want to drink?

-Ginger beer, please.

-Oh, good. Yeah.

Two ginger beers, as well.

Thanks.

It's nice in here, isn't it?

I like a high ceiling.

How can I take a look at your hair

if you won't take that stupid hat off?!

I'm not letting you near my hair ever again!

-You did this on purpose.

-Like, why would I do that?

Two words - Donnie Byard. You've never forgiven me over him.

Are you kidding me? I've been celebrating my freedom.

-Let me have a look, Max.

-Why? So, you can have a laugh?

No, because I'm a nurse and I might be able to help.

I don't need a nurse. I need a miracle-worker.

You're so jealous of me. This isn't the first time.

-What are you talking about?

-You destroyed my eyebrows!

-We were 15!

-I should have known not to trust you.

You're going to be stuck in this dump for the rest of your life

and you deserve it. I'm going places!

-Not in that hat, you're not.

-You...!

-Stop it! Both of you!

-You're best mates.

-Ex-best mates.

You are so finished!

There was a lot to love about Reece. He wasn't just a gang member.

I thought that being in a gang was just a phase.

It's a phase he's not going to grow out of.

So, I'm talking to you kids now.

This won't be the first mate's funeral you've been to...

..but please, please make it the last...

..because there's nothing more precious than your life.

I'm just grateful there was someone with him

before he lost consciousness.

Don't point Zara out.

And I'd like to thank that doctor.

That's you, isn't it?

You hold your baby in your arms

and wonder what their life is going to be like.

Cutting into a burger just makes it slide all over the place.

Trust me. It's a basic law of physics.

Are you going to eat it or are you going to fight with it?

Go on, I dare you. I double dare you.

Both hands. Go on!

SHE LAUGHS There you go.

Mm!

-It tastes better that way, doesn't it?

-Mm!

So, it said on your profile those magic words -

science fiction.

What's your favourite show?

Sorry, I couldn't say BSG with my mouth full.

Oh, wow. Battlestar Galactica!

-Do you think it's rubbish?

-No, far from it.

I think it's a seminal piece of work. Outstanding.

I agree.

-You've got a little...

-Oh.

-THEY CHUCKLE

It's fascinating, all the stuff between the army and the civilians,

-the war, politics, science.

-Spirituality.

Yeah, I kind of struggle with the Pythian Prophecies bit.

Imagine being president of the 12 Colonies.

I had to pluck up courage to join the Liberal Democrats!

HE LAUGHS Oh, that was funny.

Let's have a toast. To...

-To Galactica.

-Galactica!

Yeah, it looks great. I love it.

Thanks.

What's up?

I noticed Max's hair -

it came out in my comb.

And you didn't say anything?

She's got that big interview, hasn't she?

-I didn't want to blow her confidence.

-Really?

Hey, I take pride in my hairdressing.

I'd never pull a dirty trick like that, even if I hated her.

Which you don't.

You and Maxine have known each other for ever,

Donnie or no Donnie.

She's been up herself lately, but, yeah, she's my mate.

And it's taken her ages to grow her hair.

Well, you didn't use cheap products, did you?

Hey, no way! OK, I look for offers from the wholesaler -

that's how I keep my prices down - but I don't use rubbish.

OK, I believe you,

but you really need to sort this out with Max.

I almost didn't come - that's why I was late.

I had such a stressful morning. A file went missing,

which isn't supposed to happen in an archives department.

Well, nobody's perfect.

I thought, "The last thing I need is another disastrous date."

Oh, right.

-Is it disastrous?

-No, not at all.

-What star sign are you?

-Oh, no idea. Do you want another drink?

I'm guessing Aries.

All right, purely out of interest, what makes you think Aries?

You mean, apart from the massive ram's horns coming out your head?

-Yeah, apart from that.

-Well, Aries like to lead the way.

They're innovative and outgoing.

They do have a habit of taking things at face value.

There are no grey areas.

-I'm an Aquarius.

-And what does that mean?

Some of us Aquarians are shy, like me,

but we're also imaginative and inventive.

I've always been a bit psychic.

Erm, do you fancy dessert?

When's your date of birth?

It's the 1st of April, April Fools' Day.

So, you ARE an Aries!

I bet I can guess the star signs of everyone in this room.

See that guy?

He's obviously a Leo because he's so gregarious.

And that woman, she keeps shifting in her seat,

probably indicating a problem with her hip.

-Arthritis?

-Sagittarius.

And that guy's body language suggests a Cancerian -

a need to withdraw into his shell.

I feel like I'm suddenly in the Mos Eisley Cantina.

SHE LAUGHS Right, decision time.

What's it going to be?

Chocolate fudge cake with cream, please.

-Nothing for me, thanks.

-Oh, I won't, then!

No, no, no. I want you to have your cake and enjoy it.

If it makes you feel better, we can share.

-I'll get her to bring two spoons. OK?

-OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

Max, I'm sorry.

Don't think apologising is going to save your reputation.

Look, I did notice your hair, but I didn't want you to freak out,

so I was going to mention it after the interview.

-It doesn't show that much.

-What?

I'm going to trash you all over this estate.

No, you're going to listen to me.

OK, yeah, when you pinched Donnie, I hated you,

and I slagged you off

until I realised that you'd done me a favour.

That piece of scum dumped me because he couldn't hack my kids.

-Look, I know he's your boyfriend, but...

-He's not.

-What?

-We split.

-He dumped you, as well?

-I didn't say he dumped me.

-I can tell by your face.

-Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you?

-No! You deserve better!

-I don't want your sympathy.

At least let me try and do something with your hair.

-I'm not falling for that one.

-Well, go and see Eesh, then.

And what's she going to do? Wave her magic wand?

She might know what's causing it.

Listen, Max, if it turns out to be me and my hairdressing,

then I'll give it up today

cos I just won't have the heart for it any more.

-Would you like to go up and pay your respects?

-I think it's probably just...

-Hey! You little...!

-Oi, oi, oi! Stop it!

Please, just get them all out! I don't want a fight!

-Stop it!

-Everyone, time to go! You're upset!

-Don't make it worse!

-Let me get after him!

-Calm down!

-Let us do our job!

-Yeah, right!

-Stop it or I'm going to arrest you. Do you know that kid?

-No.

Are you sure about that?

-Hey, Doc.

-Leave me alone.

Listen, my mates only call me Drac cos my name's Paul Batt.

-Batt, Drac - get it?

-Just get out of my way.

-No, wait, please...

-Let go of me!

-No, stop. Please wait.

Reece...

Reece was my best mate, right?

I loved him.

Thanks for helping him.

I'm so sorry.

Problem?

-I misjudged him.

-I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

He'd probably break into your car without a second thought.

Speaking of which, where's your car parked?

-Fraser Street.

-That's miles away!

If you hang about while I finish up here, I can drop you off.

That won't be necessary. Thanks.

Take a seat, Max.

Do you want to take your hat off?

Babe, come here.

-I'm pathetic.

-Hey, listen, if it was my hair, I'd be exactly the same.

I had a miscarriage, Eesh.

-What? When?

-A couple of months ago.

OK, sit down.

I didn't even know you were pregnant.

Nobody did. Only Donnie. He dumped me.

-I feel so ashamed.

-He's the one that should be ashamed.

I wanted to talk to Kellie so badly, but I couldn't.

She would have been there for you, Max, no matter what.

I was determined not to be a failure,

to move on, to do something amazing with my life.

Now look at me!

Just so you know, I can't see anything from here.

-I can feel it! It's there!

-OK, I believe you,

but I need to have a proper look, though, yeah?

-I feel so ugly.

-Oh, you're not ugly.

You're gorgeous.

Just at the back here, yeah?

-OK, found it.

-Am I going bald?

It's a small patch about the size of a 10p piece.

It might be small to you.

It looks like alopecia areata.

You mean all my hair's going to fall out?

Hang on, there are different types of alopecia.

It could be that it all grows back.

So, is it anything to do with Kellie?

I'd be surprised,

but you need to see a doctor first and get a proper diagnosis.

-Doctor Granger's in this afternoon.

-No way is a man looking at this.

All right. Well, Dr Reid, then. But the sooner, the better.

OK.

Thanks for not making fun of me.

Thank you for not calling me pig-headed.

I mean, you did make that comment about ram-headed,

but that was kind of in context, so we'll let that one pass.

So...do you want to go first?

-No, you.

-All right. Erm...

I want to say I've had a fantastic time.

-But you haven't really?

-No, I have, honestly.

-Of course I have.

-So have I.

There's nothing like a heated debate. I feel invigorated.

Do you? Oh, that's nice. I don't often get that response.

I stuck to my guns - that is so not like me.

You, you need to stop putting yourself down.

You have got so much to offer.

You're funny, you're clever, you know, you look fantastic.

I'm going to make someone a very lucky man?

You don't want to be with me.

-That's true.

-Eh?

-Sorry, I didn't mean...

You've been so lovely.

Must be hard eating a burger and biting your tongue at the same time.

It was kind of tricky. SHE LAUGHS

Part of me really wants to see you again,

but the wiser half knows we're just too different.

I'd rather keep today as a wonderful memory.

I think you're going to meet a chap

who's going to want you to cast his horoscope.

-Is this a prediction?

-No, it's more of a logical conclusion.

Let's get the bill before we fall out!

Let me pay for this.

-I couldn't let you do that.

-Of course you can.

That way, you can remember me as being scintillating

-and just, like, really generous.

-I would anyway.

-I hope you find everything you're looking for.

-You, too.

I'll never order salad on a date again.

It's what you said. It might be stress,

but she wants to rule out thyroid problems and other stuff.

Makes sense. Roll up your sleeve for me.

I'm going to have to call about the interview.

-You're cancelling?

-No choice.

Like I'm going to sit there saying how great I am.

That's a shame.

Anyway, the other candidates are in their early 20s.

I'm the old, bald one.

You're the smart one in every way.

-What time's the interview?

-Five.

OK. So, you go home, get under the duvet,

watch the clock hit five and think about what could've been.

But, hey, I suppose there'll always be other jobs, won't there?

Not like this one. It's got my name all over it.

So, go!

-Are you kidding?

-No, I'm not.

All you need is a bit of slap and another hairdo.

A wig, more like.

I think it could be fixed.

Know a good stylist?

DOG BARKS

KNOCK ON DOOR Hello?

-Hey.

-Hey.

So, the flushing toilet?

Sorry, is this some kind of a cryptic clue?

-The running water?

-Make it into a game of charades.

-Charades, OK. Like when I rang you?

-Oh, yeah.

I think that was just interference your end

cos I couldn't hear anything.

-Weird. I need to get on with some work here, mate.

-Hmm.

KNOCK ON DOOR Hello?

-Thought you might like a coffee.

-Thank you, Valerie.

So...nice lunch?

-Do I look like a rainbow trout?

-Pardon?

-There is so much fishing going on around here!

-Oh.

Look, I promise I won't say anything,

but it's obvious you've been on a date.

-Yes, Valerie, I've been on a date.

-Oh.

So, did Aragorn find his Arwen?

-She was a trainee astrologer.

-Oh, how fascinating.

-That makes it a no.

-Sorry.

-Don't be.

To be honest with you, I'm not looking for a partner.

Why go dating, then?

Well, it was after you met that awful sleazebag

who wanted to have a fight with me.

I thought, "It seems to me that the dating scene

"is full of the worst misogyny."

And I thought I could bring a bit of positivity to it,

and that might be nice for ladies.

Ladies like yourself.

Actually, now that I say that out loud,

it sounds really arrogant, doesn't it?

-And a tad patronising.

-Yeah.

This is just between the two of us, yes?

-You know you can trust me.

-Thank you, Valerie.

No, thank you, on behalf of sensitive women everywhere

seeking romance in a cruel world.

WOLF WHISTLE

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

MEN LAUGH IN DISTANCE

Well, have you had any thoughts

about how you want to have your baby?

In the hospital or at home?

Oh, I can't have it at home. My dad will go nuts.

What you are experiencing is not unusual.

Many people imagine they can hear the voices of their loved ones

in the months after their death.

What if we could have this gang shut down for good, hmm?

-We've got other witnesses.

-What do you need me for, then?