Personal Demons Doctors

Happy...

..Halloween.

Ghost.

Pumpkin.

Send.

POPPING

BEEPING

SHE GASPS

DOG BARKS

Heston?

DOG CONTINUES BARKING

Ruhma?

Anybody...?

This isn't funny.

This isn't funny...

CREAKING

-Gahh!

-SHE SHRIEKS

HESTON LAUGHS

Heston, you are rotten.

Oh, I don't know.

I think everyone deserves a good scare on Halloween.

Yeah, otherwise it's just a damp squib.

Do you think? I think everyone had a good time,

even if they did bail before midnight.

Well, it's not over yet. Who wants another drink?

-Ooh, me. And more fun!

-Me too.

How about a ghost story?

Oooh...

OK...

What scares you? What's your deepest fear?

Ooh, I know what yours would be.

Being forced to eat a greasy, salty takeaway.

Ugh!

Straight out of the polystyrene carton.

Whilst listening to opera being sung really badly...

Dagger through my heart! Urgh!

No, in all seriousness.

What if I...lost my temper and did some real harm?

I can see why you would say that, but that was a long time ago.

Yes, but maybe...

..if I was really provoked?

..and any disposable gloves which have not come in contact with fluids

should be put in the new box marked "green disposables".

Sorry, what for?

It is a new NHS directive.

-It's ridiculous.

-Keep up. New directives moving forwards, Heston.

I don't even know what that means.

It means an increasing lack of funds equals tighten your belts.

There'll be clock-watching in the minor surgeries clinic.

One hasty move, one slip of the scalpel, and...

There will be no more minor surgeries on site.

-Since when?

-The new consultations put paid to that. Three minutes.

-What?!

-Three-minute consultations,

coupled with the new homeopathic initiative.

Homeopathy?

Homeopathy helps us to sidestep the unnecessary demand for antibiotics.

-Yeah.

-Now, for the main bullet points.

Hospital referrals are to be kept to a minimum,

elective surgeries discouraged.

This is pure insanity!

We're here to help people, not keep them at arm's length.

God helps those who help themselves, Dr Carter.

-Can I get an amen on that?

-ALL: Amen.

You're a bunch of lunatics! People will die!

Now, Dr Haskey. You were going to present to us

a summary of your research into faith healing?

Dr Carter will come round.

Hm. He will if he knows what's good for him - but let's face it,

he's an old man with old ideas.

I would like to disagree...

..but I cannot.

Hard decisions must be made.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-What?

I thought your blood sugar might be low, considering your temperament.

I think my temperament was entirely appropriate,

given the tripe I was listening to.

-I can see that we're not going to agree on this.

-No, we're not.

OK, so... Perhaps it's time for you to consider...

..alternative arrangements.

If you think I should retire, why don't you just say it?

All right, yes.

You've always wanted rid of me, haven't you?

You and that she-devil.

I saw the way you smirked when I gave up my partnership.

You're a petty, jealous, old man

who has always resented what Zara and I have.

-Jealous?

-Yeah - we have Joe. We have Isobel.

And you're reduced to borrowing people's children

because you have none of your own.

And I can tell you something for nothing -

there's something creepy about that.

-What?

-Yeah...yeah.

You blind yourself to the truth, deliberately,

for the sake of cobbling together a "family".

Did you know that Ruhma and her children

-laugh behind your back?

-That is a lie!

Yeah... I mean she loves the idea of an Italian villa,

nothing more.

Your best is behind you.

There's something pathetic about you these days -

like you're living in the Victorian era.

And you dress to match, yeah.

You're a sawbones in an age of enlightenment.

And maybe it is time for you to settle into your fog

of port and Stilton and Gilbert & Sullivan...

and pray that death calls while you still have an ounce of dignity.

You've always been holier-than-thou.

Here are a few more holes to help you on your way.

DANIEL GRUNTS

Daniel, I promise not to give you a soggy bottom.

On your marks, get set, bake!

It looks wonderful, Dr Carter - your own recipe?

It's my humble apology for my behaviour yesterday.

Thank you.

It did get a bit tooth and claw, didn't it?

Still, no harm done.

I'll go and see if Daniel wants a slice.

We understand your reservation.

We just hope you understand our appetite for new challenges.

-Yes.

-He's not in his room...

Thank you.

There's plenty, so enjoy.

Mmm! It's very...savoury...

Thank you.

Delicious, Heston! So succulent.

-And the pastry's lovely, too.

-My pleasure.

The meat has been marinated to perfection. Very robust.

Am I detecting a hint of star anise?

Yes. Liquorish-y. Mmm. Delish.

What?

Liquorish-y? Star anise? I mean, what is wrong with a proper pie?

-We can't have food, can we? We have to have "cuisine".

-Well...

I want food that tastes of what it's supposed to taste like.

You know. Sausage and mash

that tastes of pork sausages and potatoes.

Or salt and vinegar crisps - not red snapper with a buerre blanc sauce!

-I think you'll find...

-And where's my pint of ale?

Pie and pint!

Something smooth that tickles its way past my taste buds

and then makes burping sounds from my bottom.

Chips. This needs chips.

Something deep-fried with a big dollop of tomato sauce.

What's going on, Heston? Have your taste buds abandoned you?

My taste buds are in perfect working order!

It's all downhill from now on.

I mean, soon you'll just be drinking milky tea with a digestive biscuit.

I've tasted your offering and I find it to be wanting.

Nil points!

Excuse me.

SCREAMING

Well, hopefully, hopefully, I have mellowed with age.

Well, I think being married to Ruhma has helped, as well.

How could I not be a better man with her in my life?

Even if she is a lightweight.

OK, who's next?

What's your deepest fear?

Me?

OK.

Gosh, how to narrow it down.

Course, I've already faced the biggest one.

C that must not be named.

What about...spiders...?

Snakes?

No.

I think it's growing old. Ageing.

I don't understand why we have to go through that decline -

losing your faculties.

Well, it's better than the alternative - not growing old.

Yes, you're right, of course.

But honestly...having to accept that you're all passion-spent.

That your youth is behind you.

That creeping shuffle to the grave.

What DID I come up here for...?

THUNDER CRASHES

You requested an audience?

Valerie?

VALERIE!

Where is your appliance -

the state-of-the-art one we got you...at a heavy discount?

Ugh.

Here.

You left it in a glass of water - muddled up with your teeth.

-I shudder to think where they ended up.

-What?

I said you left it in a glass of...

There's no need to shout.

I left it here last night

so I couldn't hear my alarm clock this morning.

And then I went to the Mill first,

before I remembered that it burned down years ago.

Yes.

Since you had the idea to celebrate your 60th with flaming Sambucas

and an indoor barbecue. Who could have predicted that disaster?

Not my fault that Ayesha challenged Barry to a limbo contest.

You wanted to see me about something?

What?

Oh, yes.

Er...your offer for me to be your charlady.

-Well?

-I can't.

Even though I've got nothing

since Mrs Tembe embezzled all the pension fund and ran off with Jimmi.

Yes, that was unfortunate.

Unfortunate?!

I don't have the resources that you and Daniel have.

I've got nothing -

no man, no hope,

nothing but the grave opening up before me,

which actually would be a merciful release.

Oh, don't say that.

I'd rather that than reaching the day

when I'm drooling in an old folks' home,

ignored apart from when my adult nappy needs changing.

That's why I made you my generous offer.

How can I clean for you?

I have to give my legs 48 hours' notice

every time I climb a flight of stairs.

Oh, it's so unfair, growing old, the body failing you.

Well, my body.

You haven't aged a day.

All these years, not a single wrinkle.

Yes, I do have good genes.

Fabulous cheekbones.

I would give anything - everything...

I would sell my soul to be as young as you are now.

THUNDER CRASHES

Really?

You must have made a deal with the Devil.

INSINCERE LAUGHTER

Oh, dear, sweet, naive Valerie -

haven't you figured it out yet?

I don't make deals with myself.

And the penny drops.

Yes, my darling. Shock revelation -

I am Lucifer, the Fallen One.

God's most beautiful Archangel, cast into the pit.

You're...the Devil?

# Ta-da... #

Oh!

You'd give your soul, you said.

No! No, get away!

But souls are my core industry.

I am very good at giving mortals their heart's desire.

Who else do you think gave Mrs Tembe the happy ending she so craved?

At my expense!

Don't worry - she'll pay for it eventually.

Little Winifred is going south for her retirement,

to where it is always hot - her and that little Welsh hobgoblin.

No!

I don't want to hear it!

Get thee behind me, Satan!

Oh, if I had a pound for every time somebody said that to me.

I make people's dreams come true.

Look, it's very simple.

Do you want to cast off old age, to live forever?

Do you want to enchant, and be pursued and desired?

I can give you that.

No. The price is too high.

So you'd rather end your days alone, unloved,

reliant on incontinence pants

in some crusty old care home?

Or...?

VALERIE GASPS

Those hungry eyes following you everywhere you went, Valerie -

feasting on your body, wanting you...

What would I have to do?

It's a very simple transaction.

Your soul in exchange for your heart's desire.

I, Valerie Pitman...

-..of my own free will...

-Oh, come on, tick-tock, tick-tock.

All those young, supple students will be arriving

for their appointments soon.

Which Valerie is going to greet them?

ZARA SCOFFS No.

In blood.

You're not applying for a bank loan.

Sign here.

And initial here.

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

THUNDER CRACKS

So, now, state your desire.

I wish...

..to live young and perfect,

forever!

SHE LAUGHS JOYFULLY

No more aches and pains!

Goodbye, wrinkles! Goodbye, hearing aid!

No, hang on...

Something... Something's not right...

Ooh!

The dress is... It's growing bigger...

The dress isn't growing, my darling.

You're getting smaller... VALERIE WAILS

..and smaller...

WHISPERING: ..and smaller...

WAILING

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

I am sorry about the drooling and the nappy, Valerie.

I know you wanted to avoid that.

But you will stay young forever.

You are so pink and plump and perfect,

such chubby little cheeks.

I could eat you up.

Oh, yes, I could. Yes, I could...

I REALLY could. SHE CHUCKLES

VALERIE WAILS

Oh!

I'm not saying that I would do anything to stay young.

Come to think of it, some of the things

that people put themselves through...

Chipmunk cheeks and shiny foreheads...

It's all so fake, isn't it?

I mean, getting old is challenging enough

without going through all that.

So, Emma, what's your deepest fear?

Oh, yes, your turn.

Is it clowns?

Yes...but there are worse things.

Spider clowns - a clown's face on a spider's body.

I wish.

What is it, then?

My worst fear, deep down, is...

..being incapacitated.

Having had an illness or an accident

that leaves me at the mercy of others.

-Oh, you mean like...?

-My husband, yeah.

I saw what it did to Sam, not just physically, but mentally.

SHE GRUNTS

DOOR SLAMS

Chris...?

-KAREN:

-Only me! Hope you're decent.

How you doing, Mrs Floppy Legs?

Only joking, you've gotta avalarf, ain't ya? It's a bit parky out.

-You're much better off indoors. All cosy.

-Karen...

Now, I'm just going to pop and put the kettle on before I start.

I'm very parched.

You really don't have to keep caring for me like this, you know.

Oh, it's all part of the Mill service.

KAREN CACKLES

I can't believe you thought your Chris had come home!

I know you think he'd look after you

like you looked after him, but...

..some things need a woman's touch.

I mean, our Jack, he'd see me right,

but I wouldn't want him rinsing through me smalls.

Ooh, tart's armpit.

Still, keeps the flies off.

Here we are, all girls together.

Mind out.

Did you know you've got rats?

-What?!

-Ooh, yes.

Are you sure?

Big'uns and all - I saw one last week.

Ooh, the speed of him - keep up with that wheelchair no problem.

About so big.

I didn't want to worry you, but you don't want filthy vermin

bringing down the value of your house.

Ugly, disease-ridden vermin...

SHE GASPS

-KAREN CACKLES

-Oh, your face!

I wish I had a camera.

-Have you thought about selling your house?

-What?!

No...I could never sell.

This is all I have of my time with Sam.

Every brick is cemented with our love.

Yeah, but it would free up a load of cash, wouldn't it?

To spend on - ooh, I don't know - compensation?

No. Chris would hate it if I was to sell.

Anyway, it's his inheritance.

Him?! You want to get rid of that flippin' vulture.

He's just waiting for his chance.

Don't you speak about my son like that. He's my jewel!

Jewel? Ha!

He'll just stop long enough to grab the money and then he'll be off,

straight back Down Under without so much as a weep at your graveside.

That's enough!

Think on it.

Com-pen-sa-tion.

It must be preying on your conscience.

Right, better crack on while you're still here.

Can't all sit around all day,

not like some I could mention.

-MUTTERING:

-On her throne like Lady Muck.

Come here out of the kindness of my heart but, no.

Ooh, no, my housekeeping skills are not good enough

for Her Daintyship...

Doctors said it's all in your head.

But if I stuck this fork in your leg, you'd know about it.

Don't. You. Dare.

You're the one who needs treatment, and we both know it.

For the last time, my condition is physical, it's not psychosomatic.

Still, if you're a raving nymphomaniac,

something's bound to snap.

You - you need help.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm an angel.

I'm sent here to help you, cos who else is there?

There's no-one else left,

since you wrecked the life of everyone else at the Mill.

Angel?

No.

You are a jailer, punisher, vile torturer.

Ooh, there's gratitude.

But if I were any one of those things...

You're all of them. An unholy trinity.

..who would blame me?

You were driving the car.

My precious husband, your passenger...

We've been over this a thousand times!

..driving back from your sordid love-fest.

My Rob -

dead!

Yet another victim of your curse.

I wasn't driving!

I'm the victim!

You owe me!

Cos here I am, day after day, cos there's no-one else left.

All victims of the black widow's bite!

You just twist things in your head!

I am in this chair for the rest of my life because of your husband.

But at least he got away from you.

He loved me!

Then why was he making the beast with two backs with me?!

KAREN YELLS

EMMA SCREAMS

CLATTER

It was me he loved!

-DULL THUDS

-Me!

Aww. Welcome back, sleepyhead.

Now, there's good news and bad.

You've had a nasty bang to your head

and you're a little bit more stuck than before,

but the surgeon managed to save your right eye.

EMMA WHIMPERS

Oh, come on. I'm here.

Oh, cheer up, it could be worse.

# Head, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes... #

And this is your bit.

# And EYE and ears and mouth and nose

# Heads, shoulders knees and toes

# Knees and toes! #

EMMA SCREAMS

Oh, that's horrible.

You do know we'd all be there for you, if anything happened.

-Absolutely. The Mill is family.

-Yes, I know.

Anyway, well, I think I'm done.

Do you want to share a taxi?

No, no, no, it's nearly the witching hour -

you must have a nightcap and something savoury.

A special dish I've made.

Oh.

Oh. I sent Al a Halloween text earlier - he hasn't replied.

-Maybe he's out trick-or-treating.

-More likely a pub crawl.

Here we are. Please help yourselves...

-BOTH:

-Ooh!

That looks yummy.

It's a sort of game tureen - a coarse pate.

It's very good with the crackers.

Mmm!

Heston, that is amazing.

Mmm! So rich in flavour. What's the recipe?

A variation on a traditional pie filling.

Oh, which one?

Steak and Al pie.

Er, steak and ale - steak and ale pie.

Another slice, anyone?

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

-Mum, why did you help that boy?

-Well, because he was hurt, darling.

Why?

-It's not right.

-What isn't?

We should be charging the mother, not the girl.

Myra, do you really think I'd ask if there was any other way?

And do you really think I want to walk round

with one of those things on my leg, like you?

-What did you do?

-I got rid of it, of course.

-Where?

-In the bin, where else?