14/10/2011 EastEnders

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

HE SIGHS

It's going to take a while to get your head round it.

Morning, Granddad.

SHE PURRS LIKE A CAT

And...send!

Alfie, do you put kisses on your texts?

-He don't even send 'em to me!

-You're well OTT with yours. Why do you ask?

No reason.

In real life, Jean, people don't just send kisses for no reason, all right?

Why not? What's wrong with a bit of affection?

Cos it doesn't mean anything if you do it to everybody, that's why!

Listen, can you finish this for me? I'm running a bit late, I need a shower. Thanks, sweetheart.

-Why don't you two go out?

-Another night off?

You can save that worried look for someone who needs it.

Tam.

-Is your mum about?

-Mum? Er... No.

Is she still at the Minute Mart?

Er... No.

She's in... She's in Pakistan, I think.

-What?!

-She's in Pakistan.

-Where's Kamil?!

He's with them.

-Seriously, you can't leave it there!

-What's all this?

Apparently Alfie did a deal with some mate. It's almost out of date.

We're going to have to shift this lot.

Go and find him, will you, Trace?

-You look thrilled, darling. Mark.

-Hello, Mark.

-Oh, like that?

OK, I could get used to that.

-Do you do this cheesy routine on all your customers?

-No.

-Only the one's who are game.

-Well, I ain't.

-That's a shame,

cos I bet you'd be really good at it as well,

-when you're in the mood, like.

-I'm the best.

But I'm retired.

The best ones usually are. Shame.

OK. If you have a problem, if no-one else can help, and if you can find...

YOU ain't funny, Alfie.

-She'll come round.

-Usually do.

-Yeah.

Here you go, buddy. I think it's all there.

-You know, keep it schtumm, yeah?

-Lovely.

-Take care. Cheers, mate.

All right, Tyler? All right, buddy?

Oi! LAUGHS

-Are you trying to impress the girl, doing the old trip routine?

-Eh?

Oh. No, I'm just a bit, you know...

I'm taking Whitney out later for a meal. You know, wine and dine her.

Shut up. You the man. Yes, well done.

I know, but I'm going to have to play it a bit differently.

-What's the word on the side of them boxes?

-Upright?

No, the other one...

-Fragile!

-Oh, yeah. With you.

That's what Whit is, so I've got to be, you know, sensitive.

Shut up. What you talking about? Just be yourself!

-Butch, macho self, all right?

-Alf, Alf, come on, man. Everyone knows that don't work.

You know what? You, young man, are a genius.

-Thanks, love.

-PHONE BEEPS

Oh, hang on.

Oh, no!

You're here! You haven't answered any of my texts!

I wasn't sure which one to reply to. There were 14 of them.

-Well, 15 now.

-The one about dinner.

-Oh, yeah.

I was wondering... if...

you might like...

a home-cooked meal sometime.

-Oh, that'd be lovely. What we having?

-Sausage surprise!

I'm known for it round here.

-Saturday night, perhaps?

-Perfecto.

You know that film Fatal Attraction?

The one with the bunny boiler? Yeah, why?

You're in it.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, no!

-That'll be her.

-That's 16 now.

I always keep a well-stocked first aid kit,

cos Heather is a magnet for catastrophes.

Now, you better have some of these cos I shan't be here,

I'm going on me holidays. I'm going to Ireland with my sister, Rose.

Mind you, she don't seem too keen on the idea,

she's going around with a face like a wet weekend in Walford.

-You excited?

-One doesn't like to appear smug.

And excitement is very overrated in my book.

That is when Heather Trott tends to have her calamities -

when she's in that state.

-Well, I'm going on a date later.

-Oh...

-With a boy.

Yeah?

I ain't told no-one about it.

We've known each other for a little while, you know?

For ages I didn't want to know cos he's so full of himself. He's smug...

Well, every boy has the potential to be somebody's Prince Charming.

And every girl is waiting for one, no matter what she tells herself.

Hmm... He's no Prince Charming, believe me(!)

Do you get butterflies in your tummy?

-Eh?

-That was Ethel's test. Swore by it. Close your eyes.

Go on, close 'em.

Now, think about him.

I need to get back on the stall.

-THEY LAUGH

-Never fails.

How could I forget? Me, Ian! Me?! Alfie Moon, of all people!

Kat can't even see me.

She looks through me like I'm practically invisible.

-And you know why?

-I'm sure you'll tell me.

Yes, tell you what, cos I'm always there. That's why.

Every time she turns round I'm standing there with a cup of tea and a smile.

-I found myself hanging around outside the khazi for her the other day!

-No!

Mate, that's too much information.

-If you want to be useful, close those curtains.

-Yeah, no problem.

-Listen, also about last night...

-Yeah!

-Sorry for that little misunderstanding.

-With all due respect, I was trying to tell Kat

-how wrong I think you and Mandy are. Talking of Mandy, where is she?

-Dunno. Probably gone shopping.

That's what I'm talking about! She's off doing girl's stuff, spending your money!

-And you're here in your pants doing bloke's stuff. That's the way it should be!

-Should it?!

-Page one in the Bloke's Manual. Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

-Keep 'em keen.

-Thank you!

-If you're 17!

-No. no, not 17.

It's no age...it's any age!

Ian there's a time I was the Fonz and now I'm Mr C! How did that happen?

It's called life, mate!

Are you my mate?

No, please, don't go roping me into anything, today all right,

-cos once we left you last night we came back and had another...

-Are you my mate or not?

-Yes!

-Of course. I need to borrow some readies.

-Just dip in the till! You got a pub!

I can't! Kat will know I've taken money out the till.

-I need to keep her guessing, create a bit of mystique. Come on.

-Under the fruit bowl.

Really? Good man. Cheers buddy.

-You're worse than Mandy!

-Oh, stop whinging, you're like a big girl.

Also, I need to borrow some wax or some sort of hair gel.

Peter was always leaving it lying around.

-It's in the drawer.

-Yeah? Good man.

Oh, look at that, well done, mate. HE LAUGHS

Fantastic, look at that! Yes!

See. Women like a bit of friction, Ian.

They don't always want it their own way.

It's about nature.

And you cannot mess with nature.

And you! You'll be my wing commander.

-wing commander of what?

-Blokes.

We've got our very first mission. See, I bought a load of dodgy lager, I need to get rid of it.

That's why we're holding Walford's very first Beer Festival, Ian!

-No. Not today, Alfie!

-Yes! Yes!

Hello, Stranger. Hey!

Actually Dad, I was just on my way out.

-Did you not hear what I said? Your mum's gone to Pakistan.

-Water?

-No.

-It's not gay water. HE SIGHS

Look, we both know Mum needed a break

and as hard as it is for you to accept,

-you and Mum are divorced. She can go wherever she wants.

-What, with Kamil?!

Without telling me?!

-Without even a goodbye! Doesn't that sound strange to you?!

-Yusef will take care of them.

That's what I'm worried about! Who knows what he's got planned.

Shabnam's in Lahore. Maybe they're planning on visiting her.

I've left her messages this morning.

-Look, if she or your mum calls, it's imperative that you tell me straightaway. Syed?!

-Yes!

Maybe I should just go straight to the police.

-They've kidnapped my son!

-It's a holiday! Yeah. I'm chasing a cab.

Yeah, Albert Square, Walford. Oh, it's outside? Great.

-Ta.

-Cheers.

-Cheers. Look, I got manners, all right.

I can do chiver...chival...chiv...

You can't even say it, mate, can you!

There's no way you can go a whole night

with no corny lines, no fast moves. And no innuendos.

That, mate, is Mission Impossible! You know it is.

C'mon, we got loads to shift.

See you later, Alfie!

Celebration of beer? Don't we do that every night?

-It's a good point.

-No, it's about re-connecting with things behind the drinking!

-Yeah, like alcoholism?

-No, no, camaraderie,

-comradeship. Fraternity, innit?

-It's more like a Man Festival.

Eh, me and Ian both believe that manliness is under-rated!

It's great being a bloke, innit, eh?

Don't know 'bout that, Alfie. For me it's about TV dinners and nose hair.

-It's growing out the front of my nose now. The front!

-I think I'll leave it at that.

This is woeful.

It's the ultimate, being a bloke! Help me out here, Paddy.

-You're absolutely right, brother Alf. Absolutely right.

-Thank you.

-Has he done something to his hair?

-Beers all round? Lovely.

-PATRICK:

-Rum for me!

-IAN:

-It's a beer festival!

Oh, Rose, I wonder where we'll be eating this time tomorrow?

-Won't be al fresco, that's for sure. Weather report's terrible.

-Rose, what's the matter with you?

Your face ain't cracked a smile since I invited you.

-Talk about being ungrateful!

-So ladies, are you all packed?

-Yes.

-You got your Euros? Passport?

-I haven't got a passport.

That's all right. All you need is ID. Driver's licence will do.

Arthur, I hear you've made plans for later on...a tryst.

-What? No rendezvous?

-No, not me.

-Must have got my wires crossed.

There is someone I wouldn't mind getting a bit close to, you know,

now that me and Faith are done.

But, you know what, I think I'm hexed, you know.

Every girl I like, every girl I'm feeling, like the proper buff ones,

they don't like me! Well 'part from Cougar Kim.

What's with that? Is my face butters or something?

-I mean am I second-rate, or what?

-Arthur, you have got a lovely face.

How long will I have to wait? Do you get what I'm saying?

-What am I?!

-Arthur...Chill!

Your face ain't butters! I'm very fond of it!

Anyone says otherwise, then they are a skank, you feel me?!

That's a hussy, only worse.

Just thought... I haven't got a driving licence.

-Muhammad Ali!

-What about Elvis? He had it but he lost it.

-What they on about?

-The perfect bloke.

That's easy. Filthy rich and mute. Hah!

What's brought this on? You been watching Gok Wan again, ain't ya?!

See my perfect bloke would be kind.

Good hearted. Not too young either...

Distinguished. And into skiffle.

I think Alfie's acting like a right tool!

What?! He's on perfect form today. Everyone's been saying!

-Got to be someone historic! Like Gandhi.

-He only made one film, didn't he?!

Oi, I was only joking. I love your hair like that.

-Bobby Moore! Come on.

-I was thinking, later on you and me could stay in...

I tell you what, go out with the girls, have a laugh, yeah?

-Go on. Take that. Bobby Moore, eh? How many caps, Bobby Moore?

-108.

See, Bealy knows his football cos he's a bloke. THEY LAUGH

SHE SIGHS

# You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals

# So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. #

-You ain't funny, Anthony!

-# You and me baby ain't... #

He'll be here in two minutes.

FRONT DOOR OPENS

Thank heavens for that.

I packed your case on account of the haste, I was forced to go through your drawers...

-Mrs B, I ain't coming.

-But I am.

Great country, Ireland. Can't move without falling over a distillery.

Single Malt. Blended. Mixed Grain.

Don't know how I'll get through 'em all.

A lovely holiday I'm going to have.

One long pub crawl and no smoking.

I can feel one of my heads coming on, you ain't got no Paracetamol in that bag, have you?

-You know I'm homeo-pathetic.

-I know you're pathetic.

-I'll get you some.

-Well, hurry up then.

Right, ladies, let's get you sorted. Let me take that for you. OK.

All right, come on then, Cora.

Oh, Tyler, sorry mate, Whit can't make it.

No, no, no. He told me to wind you up!

Bad boy. He's nervous, look at him!

-Drink?

-Hello!

You still on for Saturday night?

I'm not doing Sausage Surprise now. I was thinking rabbit stew.

Actually, I'm afraid I can't dine with you, Jean.

Very kind of you, but I'm sure if we did dine together, you see,

I'd want to make a habit of it. You do understand, don't you?

Erm...I think I do, yeah.

Jean, you're coming clubbin' with me, all right?

Go upstairs! Wash your hair and I'll come up and put your slap on, yeah?

Every woman should feel beautiful.

-ALFIE AND ANTHONY:

-Woah! Oi, oi!

-You want a drink?

-Yeah.

Can I get a drink please, Alf?

I don't know about you, but I am starving.

-Look, Sy.

-Is there any lasagne?

-I didn't have a chance to go to the Minute Mart.

-SY! Right, no games. No small talk.

Whatever it is you're feeling about you and your daughter...

Then I want to know, OK?

-I'm strong enough to hear that.

-Are you on something?

-Cos seriously I don't understand what you're saying.

-Sy, you're a father.

-That changes everything.

-I know.

-EVERYTHING.

-I know!

Which is why I went to see Ish.

Ishfaq from university. We used to share a house. He now practices law.

You were with Ish?

All afternoon and guess what?

He reckons we stand a fighting chance of gaining access to Yasmin.

Both of us.

I told him I'm doing this with you, or not at all.

At the moment we've got to play the long game.

Sy, how can we afford this?

Well, the good news is we're getting a good rate.

Cos I introduced Ish to his wife.

He really reckons we're in with a chance?

But in order to avoid court, we can't aggravate Amira.

We need to find a mediator,

someone we know who she respects, who can convince her

-that we both need to be part of Yasmin's life.

-There isn't anyone.

-There is.

Unfortunately, I'm not his favourite person right now.

And neither are you.

I'm going to give Mandy a quick call.

Excuse me, golden rule, wing commander?

-Oi, give us my phone back!

-I can't trust you!

You are sleeping with the enemy. You have been demoted to Sergeant Beale!

-Alfie!

-Yeah.

-Do me up.

-Do you like the dress?

-It's nice enough.

I don't have to go out, you know?

No, you go, darling. Have a good time.

-See you later then.

-Not if I see you first!

-Kat, ready?

-Yeah! Watch out Walford. Here we come!

See what I did there? All part of the master plan.

Alfie, you are playing a very dangerous game.

Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette!

Don't say I didn't warn you! Now get yourself another wing man.

-I intend to keep this girl.

-Oi! You deserter!

-It's on Alfie!

-Be rude not to.

-It's early, isn't it?

-Oh, don't be boring, Jean!

-She got blown out earlier.

-Oh, no.

-Don't tell Kat,

but I invited Norman for dinner at the Vic,

and he said if he did, he'd only want to make a habit of it...

But, hold on a minute, back up.

That's the opposite of being blown out, innit?

That's like, being blown in or blown out, or!

That's what I think. He said no for the time being,

-which I think is his little way of saying...

-He's playing for keeps.

He wants to move in with me!

THE LAUGH AND CHEER

MUSIC DROWNS THEM OUT

I like your outfit. It's...classy.

What material is it?

Um...

Dunno.

But I bet it's a...good one though.

I might go for a jalfrezi.

-No, don't, they're really hot.

-What, like you?

Guys, can I get you drinks?

-Go on, ladies first.

-No, go on.

-No, go on, ladies first!

Um, just...

-Thought you might be here.

-You heard from your mum?

-I need your help.

-Should be interesting.

You know, it only seems five minutes ago

we couldn't even hold hands in public!

I remember when I was a twink, I used to have this fantasy that some

strong man would come along and tell all the bullies where to get off.

-Never thought it would be Sy though!

-Me neither.

THEY LAUGH

-Well, I will drink to that.

-Cheers.

-To Jean and Norman.

-Oh! Just good friends!

I'm gonna get a drink!

Oi! What's your problem?

I have to get out of here. Now.

Otherwise I'd have to kiss you.

Come out of retirement?

SHE LAUGHS

I had to fight to be in this relationship.

-Amira has to know that I'm not going to just give up on it.

-No! No searches...

-No return flights. No nothing.

-I'm sure Mum will be back...

What if she isn't? We were all worried about her state of mind

and now she's gone off with that man.

She's taken my son and I can't do anything about it...

Yusef could poison Kamil against me, at his own leisure!

So how can you let Amira do exactly the same thing to me?

How dare you compare us!

She's doing everything to come between me and my child, it's the same thing, Dad!

It is far from the same thing, Syed!

You want me to go and ask her what?

To make your twisted arguments to the woman that you cheated!

Cheated! Betrayed and humiliated!

And you don't even have the decency to talk to her face to face.

You want me to go and ask her what?

Tell her to think of Yasmin.

I'm doing this WITH Christian or not at all.

Yasmin is your flesh and blood.

You cannot turn your feelings off like a tap just because

-it doesn't suit your lifestyle!

-You did!

Syed, as hard as this may be for you to understand,

everything I have done, EVERYTHING, has been for...

What? For what, Dad?!

-Fatherhood is a sacred duty!

-So not seeing me? Not talking to me.

-That's your sacred duty, is it? HATING ME!

-I hate your choices.

Oh, you LIAR!

I could never hate you...

So prove it.

Talk to Amira.

For me.

And Christian.

OK. OK, I will.

Thank you.

You know she'd never take Kamil away from you.

Not for good.

So...what do you think about the Government?

The Government? Erm... Dunno.

Thanks, Tamwar, that was lovely. Thank you.

So! Which one?

-Both.

-Oh! Wow.

Go on, you go. I'll pay for everything.

I won't bother you again, I swear.

Why? We've all got a past.

Anyway, listen, I spoke to Tiff and Morgan about seeing you tonight.

Did you?! What did they reckon?

-No kissing. Cos that's disgusting.

-Obviously.

But if I really, really like you I can hold your hand.

-Steady on!

-THEY LAUGH

I need to go! Lots to think about.

'Ere who's he looking at?

He must have a thing for you.

He's all right, but this one's better.

Moving in... KAT LAUGHS

Hey, your eyes sparkle when you're nervous, you know that?

They actually glitter.

-I ain't nervous.

-Yeah, you are.

I love my husband.

You know, when we was outside your pub he never looked at you once.

Not once.

How beautiful do you feel when I look at you, eh?

Hey, you should've seen Tyler's face when Whitney walked through the door.

True love. As James Brown said, "this is a man's world,

"but nuttin' nuttin' without a woman and a girl."

There you go, Paddy, well done, mate! You the man!

Kat. Listen, sweetheart.

I just want to say I'm really sorry about earlier on, you know?

I was just a bit...you looked absolutely stunning in your dress...

And, well... you have a good time

and I'll see you later. Love you. Bye.

I'm telling you. My girl is fit. She is really fit.

Back down, Bealy cos my girl's fit as well.

I fact I remember even stopping the wedding!

Yeah, so do I. We both got a good kicking.

But there is absolutely nothing me and Kat can't withstand.

In fact we are, what's the word, it's coming to me.

Oh, yeah. Me and Kat, we are insurmountable.

THEY LAUGH We are! Oh, thanks lads. I'm barring you two.

You know what? I'd got you completely wrong, Mr Tyler Moon.

You've been a complete gentleman tonight.

So now, you can have your reward.

I don't want one.

No. Wait. Please. That come out wrong.

I didn't mean it like that, all right?

There ain't nothing I want more. Believe me, there ain't,

all right. I'm just saying there's no rush, all right.

Hey. Wotcha.

What have I done to deserve you, eh?

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