14/11/2011 EastEnders

Morgan, you're supposed to take this one out.

-Snap!

-Oh! For crying out loud, this ain't good for me.

All right.

There we go, darling, those are yours. Stick 'em on the pack.

Here, you don't know how to play draughts, do you?

Thought not.

How about playing sleeping lions?

-Snap!

-Oh!

DOOR BANGS

Coffee?

No, I'm fine.

Poppy?

It's all right, sweetheart. She'll get over it.

I kissed her boyfriend.

All right.

So, where you going to live now then?

I've no idea.

All right?

Jode? Jodie!

-Do you want a coffee?

-No, I've got a coffee. Thank you for asking.

So, you've gone from both to none, then?

Yeah, cheers, Alfie - just what I need right now, ain't it?

Bit of a mess.

Yeah, well, it wouldn't have been if it wasn't for...

Morning, bro!

All right, Alf, want a coffee?

No, I've got a coffee, thank you.

Well, you could have made me one! Can't sleep for all this slamming.

What brings you to this happy house?

I promised I'd keep an eye on the pair of you after last night.

I didn't know he fancied her! I thought I was doing him a favour.

-Oh right. So, what are you going to do about it then?

-About what?

The house, if it falls down with all the door slamming.

It's not my problem if they all go mental, is it?

Well, you know, women are weird with other women,

it's like a delicate balance.

You like coffee with your sugar then, do you?

Anyway, my advice would be...

Hang on. Your advice?

Yes, Tyler, my advice would be to get the girls to be friends again.

They feel safer when they're in couples -

that's why in the pub they always go to the khazi in pairs.

That way, Anthony can apologise and at least make some reparations

in his attempt to woo the young Jodie. There you go, sorted.

Look... Let me get this straight.

You, Alfredo Moon, are giving...

me, Tyler Moon, advice on women?

Yes! Take it or leave it, but how many happily married men do you know?

That's like Audley Harrison telling Muhammed Ali how to box.

Is that right? Let me tell you something, sunshine,

if you ever want to speak to your brother again,

if I was you, I'd listen to Audley.

Phil!

-Phil!

-What?

-Come here!

Yes?

-It's open.

-So close it.

Did you lock up last night?

Yeah, I did.

Well, I found it like this!

Maybe Ben went out this morning?

Go and ask him.

-No.

-Stop avoiding him.

Is anything missing?

I don't think so.

Right. Then, who cares, eh?

Only if you're sure. I'll save you some.

Providing Afia doesn't eat it all - it's her favourite.

-What's wrong with Mum?

-She has a headache, needs the darkness a while longer.

Khir isn't something you should eat every day,

not if you wish to keep all the teeth in your head, but once in a while...

Problem?

You know, actually, I'm going to go to the shop,

get Mum some Tiger Balm, so...

Speak.

Tam and I were wondering...er... you and his mum...

What's going on? Do you live here?

My intentions are honourable.

Dad...

I want you to have a close family around you and...

I want to be with Zainab.

What?

But I can't make her.

Dad! It's haraam.

What is?

For you and Zainab to marry.

Divorce is more common these days.

Forget divorce! You're related.

If you marry her, Tamwar and I are being...

Look, according to Hanafi Islam,

if my father marries my husband's mother,

well then, our relationship becomes incest.

You will shame us.

Did you tell him it would be icky?

I didn't use those exact words.

What's this about, Phil?

I don't know, do I? It's just a couple of old photographs.

-Yeah, of somebody else's kid.

-Don't start.

Somebody is trying to tell us something.

Well then, they should've texted, shouldn't they?

-What?

-Look, I've got to get down the Arches - Alfie's been moaning, all right? Come on.

No. No! Who is this?

I haven't got a clue, you know. Somebody's on a wind up, ain't they?

If you get wound up, then they've won, ain't they? So relax.

And this photo, I mean, this was taken years ago - whoever this is,

they're older than me now.

There's no more kids, all right?

Is he ever going to go back to school?

Ben?

If they're coming after you, shoot them, don't mess about.

Double B offline, I won't be long.

What?

Have you been out today?

Well, you go to school tomorrow, you hear me?

Who are you talking to?

Just a mate... and two girls from Leeds.

They want me to give them sniper cover.

Well, shoot a bad guy for me, yeah?

Double B back online. You still there?

Put this on. I'm selling these online, you can model.

Nope.

Stop being a Mary, all right? It's just some skirt.

It's all right for you, isn't it?

I mean, getting a woman's like flagging a taxi down on a quiet day.

For me, Ty, it's different, innit?

It's permanently one o'clock in the morning on New Year's Eve!

There's hardly any taxis, yet everybody wants one.

Get a bike.

I like Jodie.

Talk to her, then.

She won't!

-Alfie said something that might help.

-Alfie?

That really worked with you and Whitney, didn't it?

Yeah, I know - desperate times, though.

Not a clue.

Any bells?

No, nothing ringing here. Who is it?

I don't know. I found it. I thought it might be someone's relative

and they might want it back.

Well, whoever's dropped it probably don't care that much.

-Where'd you find it?

-Pinned to the back of my flaming door.

-Eh?

Well, he's an improvement on Phil, congratulations.

Yeah? And what would you know about him?

Oh, hang on.

Ooh, yes, it's coming to me now, he's a Libra, and he's got a scar

on his forearm, and his favourite band is Metallica...

Really got you rattled, ain't it?

Are you feeling better?

Yes, much.

I told Denise I would go in now.

I didn't put enough sugar in the...

It's fine.

You know, we should talk.

I'm a passionate man, Zainab,

and sometimes that passion comes out in ways I don't want it to.

For that, I'm truly sorry, but I will make everything OK.

I love you...

..and we should be together...

always.

-I brought it in for the brakes, now none of it works!

-Jay didn't touch the engine.

It's like going to the dentist. You go there for a filling and they pull all your teeth out!

It's like going for a filling and then your ears fall off -

-nothing to do with the job!

-When I drove in it worked,

and now it's deader than disco.

All right, we'll find out what's wrong and fix it,

-but you're paying for it.

-What?

I've got to do cash and carry, you're killing me.

Please.

All right, but the customer's coming back tonight,

so not so much as a scratch.

You the man.

You beauty!

Oh, why is your... you know, whatever you call her,

showing pictures of young men around?

Apparently, I'm top of the list.

If it's a list of people you've crossed,

I don't think there'll be enough paper in the whole of Walford.

Get back on your broom, Janine, will ya?

Ouch!

-She's at nursery and that's where she's staying.

-For what?

I'm just doing what social services said.

-Since when have you done anything you're told?

-Since now, all right?

-Leave us alone.

-Make you feel good, does it?

-Don't.

-Jack, please!

Don't try to help, it's not going to take away what you did to Christian.

I don't hear you complaining about having no roof over your head.

I need to talk to you.

Jodie, please don't leave like this. Wow, that's a lot of teddies.

You must like playing the grabber machine down the sea...

DOOR SLAMS

..side.

Kat, I've got to say, sweetheart, that Merc, it runs like a dream.

-One of these days, eh?

-I can see me in it now.

Racing green, bit of a soft top going on.

Booster seat, puke stains.

Sweetheart, can a man not have his dream? Yes?

-All right, Alfie?

-All right, darling?

Can I get a large G and T, please?

Yeah, sure, white mice and a slice?

Hold the ice - it'll just water it down.

That bad, eh?

You OK?

-You want to talk?

-No.

No, not about me.

Who's that?

That's what I want to know.

-There you go, sweetheart. Tab?

-Please. I ain't got a clue.

Who do you know that you think would want to wind up your cousin?

Are you joking? Isn't it easier to just write a list of who doesn't?

Yeah, he's quite a charmer, ain't he, that boy of mine.

CLATTERING

Jay?

Jay!

Oi!

-What?

-You take that out the box?

-Yeah - they're decent.

-Well, put it back!

All right!

And take your lunch.

How's my favourite girl named after a charity flower doing?

Don't be moody. Look, I want to help you.

I'm not in the mood to be honest, Ty. Tanya sent me home

because there's not enough work for me.

Oh, and my best friend's a cheat!

Right, then. I'll have me a...

..Hollywood, that sounds good.

Choose again.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Pedicure?

All right, then, sit down.

Is everything OK at home, then?

Yes, it's excellent, excellent.

Zainab.

We're low on waters.

-It tickles!

-Will you keep still?

So, will you have a word with her?

I don't know.

It's just...

me and Anthony would be gutted if we come between such a strong friendship.

We know what it's like, we're brothers, and you two, well, you're like sisters.

We are like sisters.

-Like twins.

-Yeah.

-Joined at the hip.

-Yeah.

So you shouldn't let her go, should you? Not without making up.

-What do you think you're doing?

-Well...

you and Anthony didn't work out so I thought me and you could hook up.

Nice day.

Yes, it is.

What way you going?

Er...this way.

Me too!

I, er... I don't suppose Kim's out?

She's in town.

Your place is empty?

It seems so. Allow me to make you a coffee?

So kind.

-All right?

-It was lovely to see you, Jane.

Afternoon, Heather, dear.

Are you sure? It looks a bit red.

There's nothing there - it's the light! Back to business.

Poppy won't listen to reason, either - we need another plan.

Or we just face the facts,

it's another New Year's Eve long walk home for Anthony Moon.

-This isn't yours.

-No, it's Poppy's.

What you doing?

Calling you a cab, bro.

-There's nothing wrong with it!

-I know.

-Here you are, anyway.

-No, no, no. But it started?

He got, like, ten feet and then it stalled - and it never came back.

-Can I eat mine, please?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyone come in this morning?

And did you leave the Arches at any time this morning?

I might have walked Abi to her bus.

All right, you can put that down and get in there. I want that tank draining.

-But we ain't supposed...

-Now!

Poppy, it's me, I got your text!

I'm glad you don't think I'm the worst person on Earth.

I didn't mean to break up you and Anthony, it's just...

something was missing and I stupidly tried to fill that gap with him,

but it wasn't right...

What text?

..And your dad was Darth Vader

and he takes his mask off and goes, "Luke, I am your father now"

-and then he chopped my arm off...

-Have you quite finished?

-What? It was just a dream!

-Even your dreams are geeky.

I'm stopping you from watching any more sci-fi.

-I'll just use a Jedi mind trick on you, then.

-Ooh!

-Is that my dad? It is, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Good news!

Really?

-I saw a different Imam from the community mosque.

-Why?

He's helped me see, some teachings would denounce mine and Zainab's relationship,

while other scholars would deem it's permissible.

Since you and Tamwar got married before,

-your actions are not un-Islamic either.

-But...

Islam is a progressive religion, it understands there are more divorces these days.

The pressures of modern society take their toll.

-Dad, I...

-Divorce will always be frowned upon, but we must accept the failings of others.

But it doesn't matter who says what - people will still talk.

-Yes, but who will judge us?

-People!

No, I asked you a question.

Who will judge us?

It's one of the first things we learn.

Allah.

He will be the only one to judge us.

People talk.

But they don't get to judge.

I'm not trying to replace your mother...

but Zainab...

she makes me happy.

Do I have my daughter's permission?

Yeah.

Thank you.

-Khuda hafiz.

-Hafiz.

-Sorry, I, er, I saw...er, whatsisface...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

What did your dad say?

I think it's about to get ickier.

So...what's missing?

It's just, you know,

I thought us being friends might have been enough.

Poppy, all I can say is I'm so sorry.

You are a dear, dear friend.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh, how cute is this?

Aww, Darren won it for me, Margate last year.

Oh, and this one is gorge!

Darren again, Valentine's fair.

Darren gave a little girl five pounds for that. She wanted ten.

I think I'm having an epi...thingy.

A fit?

No, no, no, an epiphany! Like when you hear angels.

I think I know what's missing.

Yeah, you were right. What is that?

You crack on, yeah?

ENGINE STARTS

How can one person have so much stuff?

Ladies!

-You two talking again, then? But you're still moving out?

-Mm.

So the text was a good idea?

Thank you. You know, I don't know what I'd do without my sister.

No problem! Perhaps we should all go out, celebrate friendship?

Oh, no! We're far too busy for that.

Doing what?

They're both moving out.

Yeah - Jodie's going to find Darren...

-And Poppy's moving back in with her mum.

-You don't have to go.

Yeah, I know.

But I want to.

WHISPERS

What about Anthony?

I need my man.

Will you see me out?

Of course.

Ah, well - worth a shot.

Bro? Win some, lose some.

Yeah. Oi, Audley! It's Muhammed.

I want a word with you.

VIDEO GAME PLAYS

Oh! Good shooting, Sammy. They ain't going to mess with us again!

That didn't sound friendly.

Well, Tyler is a young lad,

doesn't know how the world turns just yet, does he?

-And women, they're not an exact science.

-What did he say?

Told me to stick my advice where the sun don't shine.

I'm going to leave bed-hopping to the young 'uns -

I'm getting too old for all that nonsense.

I need to concentrate on my own relationship.

-That's what I need to do.

-Yeah, you do that.

Right, you lucky people, who's next?

Right, I'll pick up the rest of my stuff

when I've sorted everything with Darren.

I'll keep it safe.

We'll keep in touch, won't we?

You try stopping me.

You do understand?

Yeah. For the first time in my life, I think I do.

Look, the world is bigger than Wandsworth, Jodie.

It's Walford, not Wandsworth.

Oh, yeah!

# Direct me to the floor and turn it up some more

# I'm gonna get it on, on, on, on

# She makes me wanna oh, oh, oh, oh... #

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-And pause!

-Blimey, if I'd had a million guesses I wouldn't have thought it was going to be you.

-It's urgent, Pat.

Right, come in.

Morgan, get yourself some pop, darling.

Snap.

Yeah...

..snap.

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